Good Inside with Dr. Becky - How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

Episode Date: May 24, 2022

It’s hard to say no. Really hard. If you were raised to be a “good kid,” to be agreeable, to make other people happy… well, then it makes complete sense that it’s hard for you to prioritize yourself as an adult. Here’s the good news: This “people pleasing” trait isn’t all of you. It’s just part of you. And as a recovering people pleaser herself, Dr. Becky knows exactly how to connect with this part while strengthening other parts of yourself—so that you can set healthy boundaries, respond to pushback, and reduce guilt. Even better: This episode’s scripts and strategies won’t only help you stop the people pleasing cycle for yourself, but also for the next generation. Let’s model how to honor our own needs while staying connected to others, so our kids can do the same. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

You're listening to Good Inside with Dr. Becky. I have so many ideas, strategies, and scripts to share with you right after a word from our sponsor. Hey, Sabrina. Hey. So, I've been thinking about toys recently. I don't want the toy to do that much of the work. I want the toy to inspire my kid to do the work.

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your order. Melissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle,

and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. Hello people, pleasers. Hello, recovering people, pleasers. Hello, anybody who's curious about their people, pleasing part, this episode is for you. Before we fully dive in together, I want to read you a DM I received from someone who is debating leaving a voicemail for this episode. It kind of says it all. Dr. Becky, oh the irony, I'm over here racking my brain trying to think of a good question for your people, please, or podcast episode. I don't want to let you down by not accepting the assignment. I know that if I don't leave a voicemail, you'll be fine. I can say no to this request, but here I am going through the cycle that has been hard

wired into me since birth. I think so many of us know that cycle. So with all that in mind, let's jump in. Let's hear from our first caller, Alyssa. stories and oh my goodness I am a people pooser, a people poosers, people pooser I suppose. I have such a hard time holding boundaries on just about anything whether it's holding time at work to be able to actually get my work done and that respond to somebody else's urgent need or taking care of things between my spouse and my parents and my kid and even being able to say that it's okay to take that from me. And I was so struck when I saw your Instagram story and I was just wanting to reach out

and share because I know I'm not alone here. And I think my biggest question is I tend to like a role play'll role play a scenario and I'll get ready to have a test conversation. I'll get in my room and I just won't be able to do it. I'll lose my nerves and won't be able to hold the boundary. And I want to know how I build that muscle to actually be able to know that I am worth it. I am worth it. And really, a setting boundary is in projecting my time and having things that I want from

me. Thank you for everything you do. Thank you for holding all of us so close to your heart. Hi, Alyssa. Thank you so much for calling in. Just the fact that you recognize this people pleasing part in yourself. You then thought, ooh, I would like to work on it. I'm going to voice my thoughts in a voicemail. That says so much already about your willingness to take up space. And that's a huge thing for us

recovering people pleasers. You are definitely not alone. You said it, I'll validate it. We received so many voicemails on this topic. So know that you're surrounded by so many other people working on this exact same thing. Alright, first things first. We have to understand how people pleasing tendencies began if we have any hope of shifting them. The reason we go back to our past isn't just to kind of wax poetic

about it, it's because our past lives on in our present. So many of us were raised to be good girls. What's wrong with being a good girl? That sounds fine, well here's the thing. Being a good girl is kind of like a code. What is a code for? Good girls learn to be more oriented to what others want of them, then to what they want for themselves.

They learn to gaze out first. What's going to make people happy? What's going to keep this relationship peaceful as opposed to first gazing in? What do I want? What's my body saying? What would it be like to prioritize that? It's a huge shift then to think about changing the initial direction of our gaze, because that's what we're really doing if we're talking about shifting these people pleasing patterns.

We're talking about gazing in before we gaze out. Now, here's another way to think about this, and why this change is actually so hard, right? You mentioned your fromba thesta. Well, imagine you move to London. One of the things we know you'd have to change is the direction of your first gaze of when you are crossing the street. You were brought up to first look left. That was critical to your safety. Now you move to London and you're trying to essentially rewire your body to first gaze right because gazing left is no longer important to your safety. Even though logically we know that I don't think any of us would think that as soon as you started living in London, you would immediately look right.

No, it's hard to rewire the things that were put in place to protect us. That's exactly the journey we're going to be on together throughout this episode. A couple steps to take this framework and put it into action. Number one, we have to get to know that people pleasing part of us. Even that language matters. You, Alyssa, you have a people pleasing part. People pleasing isn't all of you. You are not a people pleaser. No, you are not a people pleaser. You are Alyssa, and you have a people pleasing part. And like so many of us with people pleasing parts, sometimes that people pleasing part, if you picture like a board room, it gets out of its seat, and it comes to your seat, the CEO seat, and kind of takes over.

Probably because that used to be adaptive, it must have been adaptive for that people pleasing part of you to take over and dictate what you did. Why was that adaptive? Well going back to that good girl idea, it often got us praise, got us love and attention to just quote, make things easier, which really means don't be so in touch with your wants and desires and instead att touch with your wants and desires and instead attune to the wants and desires of other people. We have to appreciate that part.

We have to appreciate that part and get to know it before it's willing to kind of sit in its seat and not take over the whole system. Step two, the visual of a tennis court. Okay, I promise you, no athletic ability required. Just look at yourself on one side of a tennis court, maybe behind the baseline. Then gaze toward the net, but instead of it being a net,

imagine a glass wall, right? So you can definitely see through it, but there's a barrier. And then there's the other side of the tennis court, who's on the other side of the tennis court, whoever you're in a relationship with. Let's go through an example and use this visual. Your friend says, can you pick up my son from school today and drop him off on your way home? Okay, request. And you're thinking, because now you're gazing in. I know I really can't do that today. I

told myself I'd go to the grocery store. I have a lot of errands. I really can't add that extra time. If we're gazing out or thinking, oh, I really can't add that extra time. If we're gazing out, we're thinking, oh, she really wants me to do it. Take a deep breath, gaze in, go back to that tennis court. Your friend is on one side, you're on the other side.

This is so important. We have to notice whose wants and feelings are who's. So let's go through this. On my side of the tennis court is me. I want to go right from school pick up with my kid and then home, I'm allowed to want that. My friend wants me to pick up her kid. That's on her side, she's allowed to want that.

Her side might be her disappointment, she might be disappointed, she might be worried, well who can get my son? Okay, wait, I can care about my friend on her side. Without taking care of all of her experiences, by essentially making them mine. The visual of the tennis court is so important. For recovering people, pleasers, because it really gives us that separation. What is someone else's? And what is mine? And now our second caller, Hana.

Hi Dr. Becky, my name is Hana. I have a deeply-feeling kid that's 4.5 years old. I'm calling in from Berkeley, California. And I am absolutely a recovering people pleaser, has been in therapy for many years talking about this. I just basically trained as a child to always say yes for fear of being yelled at or for fear of disappointing my own parents. And the question that I have for you is how to handle disappointment and frustration on the other side when you set a boundary or when you see no or when you put yourself first.

So I've been practicing just like that first step of saying no to someone and putting my own priorities about theirs, especially when something is not in alignment. But what happens is often I'm met with resistance or a frustrated response or escalation from someone on the other side who is disappointed and need, especially people in my family or immediate friend group who are really used to me saying yes and really used to me kind of being that like support person that's always there for them. I also had it in Sultis in my in my kid because I'm often setting boundaries with them. I'm often working on not always just saying yes to my daughter whenever she wants something

and just kind of like working on setting her own boundary, or setting boundaries for her and then sticking with them and not like rolling over. So when she gets us deleted how to stay calm and how to just practice that was also the grown-ups in my life. Hi, Hannah. Another kind of voicemail that just resonates so deeply.

And it makes me think about something that I truly wish I was taught in school earlier. And I feel like this is a life lesson that needs to be taught. I don't even want to say in high school, like starting an elementary school. Prioritizing ourselves. Almost always goes hand in hand with someone else feeling disappointed,

or annoyed, or inconvenienced. There, I said it. There's some like magical scenario, I think we dream up, where we think, okay, I'm going to say no here. I'm gonna say no to my boss, or I'm gonna ask my partner to do something with the kids. I'm going to say no to my boss or I'm going to ask my partner to do something with the kids. I don't usually ask. And there's going to be rainbows and butterflies. It's just going

to be an amazing moment. And everyone's going to celebrate me standing up for myself. It just doesn't happen. And we play all these games with ourselves. Like, well, how can I ask in a way that, you know, they won't be mad at me or how can I ask in a way that they won't feel like it's that big of a deal as opposed to something that's tricky in some ways but much simpler in other ways. Two things are true. I'm allowed to ask for what I need. Other people are allowed to feel whatever they feel about it. And we can go from there.

I don't need to control their reaction to my asking for my need to be met. And actually, if I build tolerance for someone's response of disappointment or someone's, I guess I could do that. If I build tolerance for that, I'm going to be able to get many more things that I want for myself. Wow, that is so important. We can't control how other people react to our speaking up for our wants and needs. Now, we can ask for our wants and needs to be met in many different ways. Certainly, some have a greater likelihood of being met with cooperation. Probably they have a greater likelihood of just being in line with our own value system of how we like to speak

to other people we care about. But we can't create situations where other people pat us on the back or other people feel no impact to our asking for our needs to be met. Here's an example. You're in loss, live nearby, and they often come by for a visit and it's new for you to say no, right? Because you often think, I guess it's just not a big deal and they, you know, are driving from far away and it's only a short time. Meanwhile, it never goes the way you want it to. They always stay

later. You get annoyed. You end up yelling at a kid or at a partner because you have this built-up resentment for not having set a boundary. Anyway, this is all coming together for you. You're thinking, oh, here I am listening to this for recovering people pleaser's voicemail and podcast and I'm gonna do things differently. Great, your in-laws call and say something like, hey, we're only six minutes away, we're gonna stop by. Ooh, you get your composure and you say something like this.

Ooh, we're not available for a visit today. Maybe even get, oh, why? What are you doing? You say, oh, we need some quiet time as a family. We're not available to have any visitors. That's your boundary. I don't know anyone who has in laws who's going to say, wow, I'm really proud of you

for standing up for what you need. Thank you so much for letting me know. It's just not what happens, right? What often happens is this. Oh, well, I was planning on coming by to see the grandkids, and you know, I live a little bit far away. I'm right there.

Okay, deep breath. I wanna go back to that tennis court that we just talked about, right? So, Hana, you're on one side of the tennis court, and your in-laws aren't on the other. And this is something really interesting to know. If you identify as having a strong people pleasing part, this can happen a lot.

Someone on the other side of the court is disappointed. And in-law, they're disappointed. They wanted to see their grandkids. I get it. Okay, they're disappointed. This is what can happen. Their disappointment somehow comes out of their body. It travels through that glass wall. It goes to your side of the court and it enters your body not as disappointment. It somehow transforms when it enters into your guilt. Their disappointment,

which is a feeling in their body, on their side of the tennis court, somehow explodes that of their body, and now it's kind of floating. And something happens where you write or someone in your side says, oh wait, I can open up, I can take that into my body and it transfers as my guilt. Now I have the guilt instead of them having the disappointment.

And then I think, okay, I'll let them over to get rid of my guilt. When we do that, we build up resentment and rage. It doesn't work for anyone, but over and over this can happen. So I want you to do this exercise with me and actually do this. I want you to give that feeling back to its owner. This is not an act of aggression. This is actually an act of maintaining boundaries.

That wasn't your feeling in the first place. You acted in alignment with your values. That's not your guilt. Gilt is when we act out of alignment with your values. When you think, oh, I ended up yelling at someone at the grocery store and I feel really guilty because I don't like to do that. And I'm gonna go apologize.

Okay, you said no, you didn't want to have anyone over. You wanted to maintain the boundary. That's not guilt. That is someone else's disappointment. It's just that so many of us because we gaze out have developed this muscle of taking other people's disappointment and kind of saying, oh no, no, no, don't worry.

I can take that on, turn it into my guilt, solve my guilt, and move on with you. Except it doesn't work and we gotta give it back. So I, in my own life, sometimes I really will. And I don't know if you can see me right now, right? You probably can, but imagine me sitting with my hands out and really doing a push motion, push, like actually push that back, really watch that feeling go back over through that glass wall and give that back to your mother

in law. And here's where boundaries and empathy really go hand in hand as we're working on that people pleasing part of us not taking over. The boundary is no, right? You already said it. We're not available for a visit today. Then you hear this from your in law. Remember there, disappointment, not your guilt. Oh, I was planning to calm them so close. I haven't seen the grandkids in however long. Oh, okay, I pushed it back. How do I use empathy? Now I can use empathy.

Listen to this. Oh, you didn't expect me to say no. I get it. It's really disappointing. I'm not being facetious. I'm actually being completely honest. I would feel disappointed. I hear you.

You really wanted to see the kids today. You kind of drove a little bit out of your way. I hear that's really annoying. I legitimately understand that. Now that I've given the feeling back to its owner, I can empathize with it. We can't empathize with feelings that we merge into. There's nothing to empathize with. We've just accepted that feeling into our body. You can only empathize with feelings that we merge into. There's nothing to empathize with.

We've just accepted that feeling into our body. You can only empathize with someone when you're a separate human being. That boundary starts that process. You give the feeling back to that owner on the other side of the tennis court. Now you can actually show up with empathy because you can care about someone's disappointment once you haven't turned it into your guilt. Hey, quick thing. If you follow me on Instagram or if you're a part of the

good inside membership, you probably know I've written a book. And I'm so excited to say that you no longer have to pre-order it. You can order it because it's available right now. You might have guessed the title is Good Inside, a guide to becoming the parent you wanna be. And let me be clear, it's not a book or perfect parenting.

It is a book that will help parents like you feel empowered, confident, and sturdy. Visit goodinside.com slash book to order your copy today. Now let's get back to the episode. Now you had a multi-layer question also about how we can help our kids step boundaries and not have their people pleasing parts take over. Well keep listening, I'm going to get to that in the next section. And now our final caller, Shari. Hi, my name is Shari. I have five children ages 12, 10, 6, 4, and the newborn. We live in Austin, Texas. And my question is about how do we make sure that as parents, we do not create people pleaders. What might I be doing and raising my children

that could be causing them to be a people pleaser because they're trying to please me? Hi, Shari. Thank you for this really thoughtful question. I love that you're thinking kind of very proactively, right? Like, how can I do things today that set my kid up to honor their own boundaries, be in touch with what they need? So, okay, a couple ideas. Let's teach our kids to first notice who they are and what's going on for them before they notice their impact on others. Focus on what's going on for me. What's going on inside of me?

Who am I before they focus on their impact on others? Now let me say something before we go further because I already hear my own reaction. That sounds like you're gonna create a generation of like really self-centered kids, right? Are you saying that kids shouldn't notice when they hurt other people's feelings? I hear these other questions in my head, so I'm sure they're coming up for you too.

No, no, I have no interest in creating a generation of selfish kids. That's definitely not, you know, high up on my list of goals. There's just a critical order of operations. That's what I think. I hope my kids and all of your kids have a ton of empathy. I hope that they care a lot about the people around them and that they're generous. And actually, we know, going back to that idea that kids are good inside, that we don't have to train kids to be that way. Actually, those things are inside them,

and just sometimes things get in the way. Walking, getting the way, being really overwhelmed, by your own feelings that are so big that they crowd out, things like empathy and generosity. What can get in the way, feeling ashamed, feeling bad about yourself, feeling scared? Scared of what? Often of the loss of attachment, right? Kind of the fear of abandonment and therefore, aloneness. So why does this order of operations really matter?

We have to first help kids understand themselves so they can feel safe, so they can be grounded. It's only from that safe grounded place that kids can interact with others in an authentic way that shows generosity and connectedness, right? So we lay the groundwork for kids understanding themselves. That then allows kids to develop in all the ways we want them to.

A few concrete ideas. Number one, I think about this term a lot, preserving access to desire. I know that feels almost like intellectual, so let's break that down. I hear myself say that. I'm like, Becky, what do you mean? Okay. If we want to help our kids not be taken over by a people pleasing part? Well, a pretty good way to do that is to help our kids identify what they want for themselves. Now, this doesn't mean they get what they want. Again, we often conflate the two. I want my kids to always know what they want. Most of the time, I'm actually probably going to say no because they want a lot of things in life. Helping a kid preserve access to desire is totally unrelated to giving kids everything they want.

Let's really separate them. Knowing what you want? Getting what you want. Two different things. Almost all kids' tantrums come down to wanting and not having. Almost all of them. Kids want something and we say no. And they are in that frustration and it explodes.

We can help kids preserve access to desire by separating behavior from an underlying want or wish or to get even more concrete. Every time we name the wish or the want under the tantrum, while we set a boundary, if we need to to to keep our kids safe during a tantrum, we essentially are saying to our kids, oh, I'm not going to let you do things that are unsafe. And it's okay to want things for yourself.

You don't have to block access to desire just to make other people's lives easier. That's huge. Let's go over some examples. Your kid wants a red crayon and their friend is playing with the red crayon and they're frustrated and then they hit. Here's one intervention. Stop hitting look, you're hurting him, you're hurting him. I'm paying more attention to impact than on what's going on to a child. Here's a different intervention. I'm not going to let you hit. That's the boundary I said. I'm going to be the boundary for my kid. He can't be for themselves. Now I'm establishing safety after that. I know you really want that red crayon. I know you see these other

crayons. There's a light red. There's a pink. There's an orange. So similar. You don't want any of those. You only want that crann. Maybe even your child says, so what can I have it? Can I have it? No, your friend's playing with it. I'm not going to let you hit. Actually, we're going to move further away to stay safe. And I understand how hard it is to want something and not have it.

I am a sturdy leader. I am separating behavior from desire. And I'm also not using the situation to put guilt on my child. For my child in a disregulated state to learn, oh, I guess the only thing that matters is that the other person is upset. That doesn't teach a kid a regulation skill they need.

That only teaches a kid that they're once in dangers, their relationships. Here's another example. I'm in a toy store and I told my child, we're going to go to the toy store, we're going to buy a birthday present for your cousin, we're not getting anything else. I've done this myself. It doesn't go well all the time. I'm there.

My daughter is crying on the floor having a meltdown. Here's an intervention that I wouldn't so much recommend because again, it doesn't differentiate. What is wrong with you? You're so embarrassing. Look around. Do you see any other kids? On the floor, crying. Now, let me be clear. The reason those words come so easily to me is because I've said them myself more than once. Okay? So if you're thinking, oh, I've definitely said that. Join the club. Take a deep breath and come back. These words are in alternative.

One's we hope to use some of the time. If your child is crying on the floor, I'd probably pick them up, move them away. Hey, we're going to go here away from all the games. I know you want that game. I know. It's so hard to be at a toy store. It's so hard to be at a store full of things you want and not get anything. We're not going to get anything besides this gift and sweetie. I love that you want things for yourself. It's really cool. My know is

still a no, but you're always allowed to want things. That's so powerful to say to kids. Let's go on to a couple other things. Celebrate differences with your kids. I love saying things like this here and there to my kids. Huh, you know it's funny. I always have yogurt for breakfast. I love yogurt. You basically don't like yogurt at all. Isn't that cool? Me and you are so close.

And yet we have so many things that are really different about us. Really sets the stage to kind of establish your child's a separate person and they don't need to gaze out to figure out what they're supposed to like, that they have that information inside of them, and it's okay to be different from other people.

Bringing that all together, let's help our kids preserve access to their desire. Let's celebrate the ways they're different from us, and let's focus initially on the skills our kids need, rather than the impact their hard moments have on us. Let's tie it all together with three takeaways. One, use that visual of a tennis court. It is so powerful. We have to have some visual or metaphor to hold on to as we make emotional changes. So think about something where

you might have your people pleasing tendencies act up and then use the tennis court. Put yourself on one side, think about who's on the other, and really think through what is yours and what is theirs. Two, remember, we rarely ask for what we need and don't have to cope with someone else's disappointment. It often goes hand in hand, so set realistic expectations. Okay, I'm going to ask my boss for a race. My boss might sigh.

I'm going to ask my partner to wake up early with our kids. My partner might feel annoyed. That sigh, that annoyance, it's not a sign you're doing anything wrong. It's actually a sign that we have to build up our own distress tolerance. Three, boundaries plus empathy. That is a recovering people pleasers best friend for a formula. Okay, lost my boundary. That's the decision. My boundary is saying no. Empathy. Right, I have to remember that someone else's feelings.

Not mine, and if I empathize with it, versus taking it on, that's how I can hold my boundary and honor my own needs. Thank you to all of you, everyone who called in this truly is the most amazing community in the world. Thank you for co-creating this really important episode. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. I love co-creating episodes with you based on the real life tricky situations in your family. To share what's happening in your home, you can call 646-598-2543 or email a voice note to goodinsidepodcast at gmail.com. There are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you and so many good inside

parents I want you to meet. I'm beyond excited that we now have a way to connect and learn together. Head to goodinside.com to learn more about Good Inside Membership. I promise you, it's totally game-changing. And follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Dr. Becky at Good Inside for a daily dose of parenting and self-care ideas. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Roe and Marie Cecil Anderson, an executive produced by Erica Belzky and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode,

please take a moment to rate and review it. Or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. Bye!