Good Inside with Dr. Becky - How to Talk About Death with Your Kids

Episode Date: September 21, 2021

When our children ask us difficult questions like "What happens when you die?" or "Am I going to die?", we often get stuck about what to do next. Should we talk about it? Should we avoid it? Should we offer a euphemism? We often assume kids are too young to talk about death, but here's something to consider: It's *never* too early to talk about things that are already on your child's mind. In this episode, Dr. Becky explains why we need to be honest with our kids about death, so they feel safe coming to us with all kinds of tricky questions throughout their lives. She shares practical scripts and strategies to guide you through difficult, but direct, conversations on death, dying, and grief. Remember: This is an emotional topic for us adults too, so before pressing play today, take a deep breath. Honor the feelings and sensations that come up for you as you listen to this episode. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

You're listening to Good Inside with Dr. Becky. I have so many ideas, strategies, and scripts to share with you right after a word from our sponsor. Quick note, paid partnerships keep the Good Inside podcast free for our audience. I want you to know that I take partnerships seriously because I take my relationship with you seriously. So I only partner with brands that I trust and feel great about using in my own home. So if you're like me, when you hear the word vitamin, you say to yourself, yeah, I probably need

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I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can. With the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside.

Today's episode is a really important one. I hope every single parent listens to this because it's about how to talk to our kids about death, about dying, about our grief, about these really heavy topics that always come up at some point in the life cycle. And one where we often get really stuck in terms of how to connect to our kids. Do we talk about these things? Do we avoid them? Do we reassure them? Do we make up stories that feel like they'd be better for a four-year-old to hear than the honest, difficult harsh realities about death.

In my private practice, I've seen countless families around this topic. And over and over, what I found is that well-intentioned parents often talk to their kids about death and dying in ways that end up increasing their kids' anxiety and fear, not decreasing it, or learning how to manage it. And so what I want to do today is talk about how to explain these really difficult, emotional, even for us topics, in a way that sets your child up to actually feel safer and more secure. And the way we get there starts with our being willing to name some really difficult truths. And so what I'll be doing today, as we hear from

three different parents, is I'll be challenging some commonly held assumptions about what kids need when talking about death and dying and providing a different framework, different ideas, and lots of concrete scripts that you'll be able to use right away. So with that in mind, let's all take a deep breath. I'm sure this episode will bring up a lot of emotions, probably a lot of tears for all of us. Honor those feelings as they come up, remind yourself that those feelings are valid and important and with all of that in mind, let's jump in. Let's hear from our first caller Becca. Hi, Dr. Becky. This is Becca and I live in Colorado. I have three kiddos who are 9, 7, and 4. And over the last few weeks, my 7-year-old

has been very anxious about death. She keeps talking about fears of dying and having bad dreams about her family dying or her me dying. I'm not sure what triggered this. I will say ever since she learned to talk when she was probably year and a half old, she did have a lot of questions about death in heaven. And we had a great conversation last night where I tried to kind of talk to her about how daddy and I have lost people and we've been okay and we're still okay. And of course, we miss them, but we know we'll be together again and think of beyond death what heaven would be like and how we can look at it is not a scary thing, but an exciting thing that we get to all be together there. And other than assuring her of heaven, I'm not sure how to handle this. So we are familiar with death in our family

and things like that, but other than that, I'm not sure how it has suddenly become at the forefront of her thoughts. We're just talking about it almost daily. I would love any advice that you have and really appreciate your wisdom. Hi, Becca.

You're raising so many really important questions. So I want to thank you for coming here with those questions. And I think it says so much about you that you're really trying to think through this and figure out what does my child need when they're struggling with these really tricky, painful thoughts and questions. So I want to start actually by sharing a story for my own life. And it was something that happened with my oldest when he was about two and a half.

He was pretty young. And I'll never forget this moment out of nowhere it seemed. He said to me, you're going to die one day, aren't you? And I just, I literally didn't say anything. So I was just taking it back. And then he continued, he almost doubled down. He said, and it's possible you could die before I die.

There's so much that happened for me in that moment. There's so much that happens for me now and I even think about it. And what it really makes me kind of appreciate is how our kids' minds are working so hard to understand the world around them. And death is one of the confusing topics for all of us. It's confusing for all of us to understand. But when we look at our kids with the type of respect, for actually how important it is for them to put the world together, right, their survival really depends on them understanding their environment and especially understanding the stability of their attachment

figures. It makes sense that our kids think about death. Now, what did I want to say to him? Right? What? No, we don't need to think about this. It's not going to happen for such a long time. And yes, but when I die, you're going to be older and you're going to be more capable or I really want to say, no, the two of us are never going to die, right? I want to reassure. I have a really conflictual relationship with the word reassurance because it seems like such a positive thing. I want to reassure my kid.

But what we do when we're in the mode of reassurance is we really underappreciate how our kids are already processing information, are already feeling things, are already worrying about things. And reassurance is in some ways a way to try to convince a child out of the feelings and worries they have. And I know it's easy to think, well, what's wrong with that? My kids really worried about deaths wouldn't be great to get them not worried about death. It might sound bold, but I'm gonna say no.

I don't think that's a good goal. There's short-term and long-term reasons, right? Short-term, I just don't believe we can unfiel feelings and un-worry worries. Feelings and worries live in a kid's body. They live in our bodies. They've already imprinted there. So we can't usually stamp them out. The other more long-term reason is I think more than anything, I want my kids to have a sense of self-trust. Kind of, I'm the only one who knows how I feel. I know what's going on in my body. And if I make a habit, even from a kind of well intentioned place, of trying to convince

my children out of the thoughts and feelings and urges and concerns they have, then the larger message I'm sending them is, you're not really great at noticing that things going on inside you. People outside of you have a better idea than you do about what you should be worried about, what you should be thinking about. And that's definitely almost a 180 from how I want my kids to enter their adulthood. So what does this mean about death?

What does this mean about what's going on in your family? And what does this mean about how I really kind of went about that conversation with my son? He's thinking about dying. He's thinking about me dying. And so I think what we want to start with is naming that. And there can be really simple words about that. You're really thinking about death. These are really hard things to think about and wonder about. So instead of entering into Aminadi, or you're going to die, I'm actually just kind of putting a label around it.

I'm noticing the inner workings of my child's mind. And by naming it, I'm also really saying I'm not afraid to talk about it. It's a really powerful thing to get in the habit of saying that, to kind of instead of solving a kid's problem, just name the worry. You're really thinking about death and the people around you and who's important. You like to understand things and put things together. This is amazing. And I can also really be hard to be a kid whose brain is so busy.

I'd start that way. I remember saying something like that to my son and then of course he pushed me, but are you going to die? Are you going to die before me? Could you die? I remember he said at some point, or could you die at any moment? Here we are.

My kid is already thinking about this. My choices are, convince him not to think about the things he's already thinking about. I went over why I don't wanna do that. I could ignore it or avoid the truth. Now he's just alone with those thoughts or I could jump into them with him. Not jump into the anxiety,

but jump in and join him as a person who's having these difficult thoughts. And I think that sounds something like this. Yes, one day I'm going to die. We don't know when that day is. You're wondering how soon it's going to be or how far away it's going to be. I have every reason to believe it's going to be really, really far away. And also, these are hard things to think about because there's nothing I can say to

guarantee exactly how all of this is going to go. Then I'd probably move to something like this. What I can guarantee you is I'm always going to be someone you can talk to when you're having these thoughts. These are some of the most important conversations we can have, and I'm so glad you came to me with this. I think overall what this message I'm trying to send is, we don't need to create a happy version of death for our kids. What that ends up doing is actually leaves them feeling really alone in the scary feelings they have. And scarier than any scary feelings is feeling alone and misunderstood about your scary

feelings. And so by not solving, by not reassuring, instead meeting my child, naming it, carving out time, offering some other options, this really is the best way to lower a child's anxiety about death. Our next caller is Anna. Hi, Dr. Becky. It's an Anna and I have a four year old son. And I just had a couple questions about when it is appropriate or normal for kids to talk about death, dying, killing themselves or others. Just these kinds of random talks about not wanting to wake up when they go to sleep.

We don't watch anything violent. He doesn't play video game. There are only TV that the Ron is his show. So just curious about how kids come to understand these types of concepts and how we go about having those conversations with them. Thank you. Hi, Anna. You are raising such an important question and topic and truly really grateful for your calling in and allowing us to have this conversation. So first of all, before we even get into the details around our kids wondering about death,

I want to make a general point that I think can be a really empowering shift for all of us across a wide range of topics. Every single time we ask, is this normal? No matter what we're talking about, death, hitting, our child's speech abilities, we can always replace, is this normal? With, what is going on for my child and what does my child need? That shift is massive, because now we're actually meeting a child where the child is at. We're looking at what our child is giving us, in this case, Anna, my child's thinking about

and talking about death. So we're meeting a child where they're at as opposed to looking instead, or prioritizing instead the shoulds, where a child should be, which really is a way of saying we're prioritizing what might be a kind of developmental time frame for someone else and is very experienced distant from our actual child. So let's start with that question. What is going on for my child and what does my child need? Well, what is going on for my child and what does my child need? Well, what is going

on for my child? Is there thinking about death and dying? What does my child need? Well, whenever a child or an adult is thinking about worried about a specific topic, they need someone around them to talk to them about it. Here's also a general idea about kids who think about death and dying. I think it can take us by surprise. We say, oh my kids three and they're asking these really pointed questions about these seemingly adult topics like death and dying. And yet on the other side, if we're raising kids to be perceptive, to honor their ability to notice things, if we're raising kids to be curious, if we're raising kids who are trying to put different pieces of things together, then they're going to want to understand the tricky topics of

life. Their minds have permission to think about deep things. And if we've established in our family that it's safe and even desired for our kids to come to us with the tricky topics on their mind, they're going to wonder about things like death and they're going to come to talk to us about it. So if you have a child who's thinking about death, I would take a moment and actually say, wow, this is a sign that my child is trying to put things together and feels like I'm a safe person to come to when they're confused and overwhelmed and wanting to figure things out. That's pretty awesome. Now, the other side is, is there emotional impact? Is it hard for a three-year-old or a four-year-old

or a five-year-old to really think through death? Absolutely. I mean, it's hard for me to really think about death. It's a very overwhelming topic. And yet, the alternative isn't a great one. When we don't talk with our kids openly about the topics that are clearly on their mind, we don't stop our kids from thinking about those topics. We just leave them alone

with those thoughts and those worries. So those really are our two options. Either I enter into those conversations, honestly, truthfully, and then the two of us together tolerate the tears and the feelings that come up as we talk about something like death. Or if I say something to my child like you don't need to worry about that now, we'll talk about that when you're older. I think those interventions come from the best place, and yet what ends up happening is now my child is literally alone with the sensations, with the ideas, with the curiosity, with the worries that led them to be thinking

and talking about death in the first place. Information doesn't scare children, noticing things,ering about things, especially big, weighty, confusing topics like death. And then being alone, this leads to an escalation in worries. This leads to an escalation in painful sensations, because now I feel completely isolated. I have no support and a young child trying to manage the feelings and thoughts around death on their own. Well, I think we all know this is not something a child is set up to do. So, to kind of summarize a little bit. The fact that your child is thinking and talking about death.

To me, as a sign, your child is trying to put things together as a deep thinker. The fact that your child is willing to voice those thoughts to you speaks to the safety, you're establishing in your relationship. And I think also, it's not that it's normal or not normal, as much as your child is there. So let's meet your child where they're at and help them with the things they're struggling with now. Let's meet your child where they're at and help them with the things they're struggling with now. Let's hear from our final caller, low. Hey, Dr. Becky.

My name is Low. I am a nurse and a wife and a mama in Colorado. We live in Denver. We have three kids. We have a four almost five-year-old daughter, a two almost three-year-old daughter, and we just had a son, four months ago, so we had a four-month-old baby boy. My question was related to handling grief and death with your little ones. My little one, unfortunately, was born in the middle of my mom's decline,

and my mom died when she was four months old. So my oldest and really the subsequent babies have each kind of been born to a mama in the thick of grief and the fallout, so I'm losing somebody so important. And now that my oldest is on one side and my other is almost three, they're asking a lot of good questions about death and dying.

And I was just curious about your thoughts on handling those topics in the home. My desire is to be honest and to be true about what I've lost and what they've lost. But also on a handle in a way that different for a fear in them, over sickness or death in their own bodies. So I would love to hear your thoughts on this, and I appreciate you giving me the time to even call in and suggest. Hi, low. Thank you so much for sharing this with me, with all of us.

And I think you're raising something that so many parents struggle with. How do we talk to our kids about the really difficult things that happen in our life and in those moments where we are showing our emotions around those difficult events? How do we talk to our kids then? So what I want to do is speak a little bit about how to explain your own feelings, how to explain death, how to talk about your own grief. I also want to share with you words that I think are helpful in sharing news

about someone dying because I think that's something we all need to be prepared for those moments. I always come back to kind of a principle, I think about, in general, in parenting. And it's going to seem like a silly principle when I say it, but I'll get into it. And the principle is just, tell the truth, or name what's true. I come back to this all the time in my own family. It's very grounding for me to have this as a principle because it helps me figure out what to do in tricky situations. So how would that principle be applied in your family?

Number one, we need to define what death is for kids. And we need to not use euphemisms and be very direct about what it really means. What I say, and my family, what I encourage other families to say is something like this. Death is when the body stops working. Why do I say that? And why don't I encourage parents to say, death is when people go to a better place or death is when you have a really, really long sleep. I've yet to hear a euphemism that people use. That doesn't further confuse children and make them incredibly anxious and hyper-vigilant going forward. So in fact, I remember working with a family whose kid had sudden massive sleep problems following her grandfather's death.

And when we got into the session, they shared how they explained the death as kind of a really long peaceful sleep. And, you know, with the best intentions they said this. And to me, it's no surprise that their child developed sleep problems if grandpa's really peaceful sleep also meant that grandpa was no longer coming back. I can understand why any child would be pretty resistant to sleep. Going to a better place, right? We say that and then we talk to a kid, ooh, let's go to this fun arcade

and that all of a sudden is associated with someone who never came back. The truth is so important because it actually establishes to your child. This is something that we can talk about. And if we want our children to try to make sense of something as big as death, we have to show them that we've made honest sense of it first. If we can't name something for what it is, there's no way our children

can develop resilience around that topic. Death is when the body stops working. Now, our kids might have questions about that, and actually when it comes to big topics, our kids' questions become a really good guide for where to go next. So you might say that, and your child might say, well, what does that mean, stop's working, or will my body stop working?

And based on their questions, we can continue to pause and yet continue to tell the truth. Where else can we name what's true? We need to name what's true around our grief process. It might sound like this. You may have noticed I've been crying. You know how we talked about how my mom died recently, right? How her body stopped working.

I feel really sad about that. I really miss her. And when I miss someone, when I feel sad, sometimes I cry. Now here's the thing, when I cry, it's never your fault. And I am still healthy and strong, and I can still take care of you. What I'm doing there is I'm confirming my child's perceptions,

naming what's true. And I'm also speaking to something that's really important for young kids. Kids are perceiving everything in the environment. Based on the question, am I safe? Am I secure? Is there something I need to do to maximize kind of my likelihood of survival? And us as their parents, we are the most important people

for them to survive because they need us for everything. And so when kids hear about someone dying or something smaller, like a babysitter, is no longer with us, they're thought and it's kind of unconscious, so they don't usually say it out loud. Is, oh, is this going to happen to my parents? Is this about to happen to my parents? Who else could this happen to? Am I safe in my safe in my safe? So really naming when I cry, I can still take care of you.

Or when you're talking to your kid about a family member dying, explicitly saying, I'm not dying. Might seem superfluous to you, but is really, really soothing to your child. Now, I want to give you a little bit of a step-by-step or almost a formula for how to talk to your kids about death or about sharing with them news of someone dying, because I do think there's kind of an order of operations here that can be helpful. I think about entrowing the topic in terms of getting my child's body ready for the fact that there's going to be a different type of discussion to come. Then I think about naming what's true and speaking honestly and directly, then pausing, waiting for questions, and seeing where

our kids want to go next. So it might sound like this, those beginning three steps. I wanna talk to you about something that I think we're all gonna have big feelings about. Or I wanna talk to you about something that's gonna feel really tricky. I know for me, I'm gonna take a deep breath just to get my body ready. Ah.

And then next, Grandma died today. That means her body stopped working. Then I would pause. I think we want to fill that space with things like, it's going to be okay or, but we have so many good memories of her or at least we have another grandparent. We want to fill it. And yet what's so helpful for kids is not filling it. Because when we don't fill the space, they have time to process and fill the space themselves.

Now your child might say back to you, okay, can I have my snack now? Right? And I think we think his parents, my kid doesn't get it. They get it. They're processing it. And to that, I'd say back, yeah, we can have snack. You know, this was big news. And it's okay to take some time.

This won't be the last time we talk about this. And so I'm honoring my child's process and also naming, kind of that this will be a continued discussion. I would also say at some point words like this, grandma died, I am not dying. You are not dying. When someone you love dies, it doesn't mean anyone else will die. What it does mean is that there's going to be a lot of feelings. And in our family, we really value talking about feelings, voicing our feelings, and being honest about our feelings.

So you'll probably see me having some feelings, and I'll keep checking in with you about all of your feelings. We covered a lot today. And so at the end, I want to highlight three main points. One, information doesn't scare kids. And so at the end, I want to highlight three main points. One, information doesn't scare kids. Actually, truthful information delivered from a loving, trusted adult feels safe to kids.

Imagine changes around you in your workplace. Maybe people crying, things not going as they usually do. Lots of comings and goings and absences, and no one talking to you about it. Check in and see how that feels. Now imagine a trusted colleague coming to you and saying, Hey, I want to talk to you about what's been going on here and what you've noticed.

I want to be honest with you. It might be hard to hear. Here we go. Two. When talking to kids about death, remember three steps. Prepare your child for the conversation. State what happened with real, simple language. Pause to allow your child to have feelings and ask questions. Three, reassurance is one of the most well-intentioned yet counterproductive interventions. We don't want to convince a child out of a feeling. Instead we

want to support a child in that feeling. This helps a child feel understood and no longer alone. And this is really what we're all looking for. Thanks for listening to Good Inside. Let's stay connected. At Good Inside.com you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider. My weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram, Dr. Becky at Good Insider. Good Insider is produced by Beth Roe and Brad Gage,

and Executive Produced by Erica Belski and me, Dr. Becky. Please rate and review our show. Let us know what you think and what resonated. I actually do read each and every review, so please know that your feedback is meaningful to me. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle,

and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.