Good Inside with Dr. Becky - "I Quit!”: The Hidden Cost of Convenience for Our Kids

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

Our kids experience almost no gap between “want” and “have.” Looking for a movie? Stream it now. Have a question? Search for instant answers. Need a new water bottle? Select next-day shipping. In today’s episode, Dr. Becky explains why our kids get less practice waiting and tolerating frustration than previous generations - and how parents can intentionally build resilience in a world of convenience.Get the Good Inside App by Dr. Becky: https://bit.ly/4fSxbzkYour Good Inside membership might be eligible for HSA/FSA reimbursement! To learn more about how to get your membership reimbursed, check out the link here: https://www.goodinside.com/fsa-hsa-eligibility/Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterFor a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast.Thank you to our sponsor Hot Wheels. Check out our full series with Hot Wheels at hotwheels.com/challengeaccepted.Wish you could take back that yelling moment? You can. The Yelling Reset gives you the tools to pause, reset, and repair — so you can build real connection with your kids. Sign up today at goodinside.comAt Good Inside, we’re shifting the narrative - away from instinct and toward education - because parenting isn’t something that just comes naturally. And the first step to real, cycle-breaking change? Understanding yourself—and the patterns you fall into.I’ve said it before: every parent has a pattern. But have you ever stopped to ask… what’s yours? Take the free quiz at **goodinside.com/better** to discover your parenting pattern. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

We are living in a world of convenience. And to be clear, I enjoy a lot of this. I definitely benefit from it. I love the fact that I can just pull up my phone, tap something, and it gets delivered the next day, or maybe it gets delivered in an hour or two. And at the same time, I think a lot of us are noticing a trend with kids. It's like my kid doesn't know how to wait. It's like patience doesn't exist anymore.

I would have never reacted like that with my parent. If my parent was talking to a friend, I would never have interrupted them. Let's put these things together. We're living in a world of convenience, of one-tap, instant gratification. Our kids are living in that world, too. Waiting, being patient, wanting something, and not having something, it actually isn't as built into our children's lives in 2025 as it was when we were growing up. But at the same time, we all want our kids to become resilient, not entitled.

We want them to cope with hard things. We want them to know you have to put an effort for a long time before you get the results you're looking for. So how do we help our kid build resilience in a world of convenience, ease, and instant gratification? That's what we're going to be talking about today. And let me tell you, it's going to be a good one. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is good inside. We'll be back right after this.

My kid recently recruited me into helping them build the loopiest hot wheels track ever. The plan? Dozens of tracks, three repurpose couch pillows, zero engineering experience. And the result? An epic crash. And then a deep breath, more tinkering. And a simple, let's try that again. This is what I love about Hot Wheels.

It's no surprise that kids who play with Hot Wheels are more likely to take on new challenges, even when gravity is working against them. Because it's not just about play and fun. It's about trying, failing, repeating, and growing. So you can imagine how excited I was to team up with Hot Wheels on a video series about how to build resilience, my favorite topic ever, through play. a dream? In one episode, I talk with real kids about the frustration of not getting it right yet and how to stick with it instead of giving up. Check out the full series at hotwheels.com

slash challenge accepted. And if you're feeling adventurous enough to take on your own loopiest track challenge, grab a new set of wheels or several. That's hotwheels.com slash challenge accepted. I want to start by talking about Blockbuster. Stay with me. Do you remember what it was like to want to watch a movie when we were kids? Like, I remember, I don't know, 8, 9, 10, maybe I was having a friend over. I really wanted to watch Troop Beverly Hills or she's all that or clueless,

probably one of those three. And here's what I had to do. I had to go to my parent and I said, hey, can we go to Blockbuster tomorrow when I'm having my friend over? And then I'd have to make the plan. best case scenario was your parents had a membership to Blockbuster right that was the privilege and then you had to wait could they take you okay then you have to drive blockbuster was about 12 minutes from my house maybe further from yours i'd be thinking oh i really really hope they have clueless i really want to watch that with my friend and then we'd get there and then we'd park and then i'd go into the store and then i would run

i remember the pathway i remember going through the aisle and then you get to the the part where on the shelf they have the picture of the movie. Okay, clueless. But if you remember Blockbuster, sometimes you looked behind that image of the movie and it was empty. It was empty. You couldn't get the movie. It was a decoy. Oh, man, they don't have clueless. Oh, what am I going to do? Okay. Do they have she's all that? Oh, they're out of that one. Maybe they were even out of Troop Beverly Hills, and I had to pick some movie that was fourth on my list. I want us to think right now about our children's experience of wanting to watch a movie and watching a movie.

I want to watch K-pop Demon Hunters. And so the space between wanting to watch a movie and watching the movie is nothing. There is no space between wanting and having. Now, let's be clear, there are much more important things in our development as a human than wanting to watch a movie and watching a movie. But the reason I think watching a movie is such a good example is because it's this tiny day-to-day moment that you don't even think about as impacting your kids' development. but the difference between what watching a movie was like for us and watching a movie is like for our kids is massive. Now, there is hardly ever wanting without having.

There is hardly ever something called waiting. There is hardly ever disappointment. When you think about a movie, there's always some streaming option to watch that movie. it is so different and even though it was so disappointing to think about a movie drive to blockbuster run to that shelf and not see the movie you wanted it mimicked a really important arc that happens over and over in more important situations you want something you work toward it you wait and then you still don't get the thing.

It is so important to think about topics like resilience, like entitlement. These are things that are on parents' minds all the time. But actually when we break things down, we see how much our kids' environment today is almost anti-resilient, is almost pro-entitlement because the amount of convenience and the ease of having what you want right away is almost built in. And then we're always almost shocked that when our kid actually has to work towards something and not have it right away, reading, writing, math, getting better at soccer.

It's like our kids don't have the muscle to tolerate the process of growth. because they are so accustomed to immediate gratification. So I'm going to move on from Blockbuster. This is not just a Blockbuster episode. But it's so interesting how much my perspective has changed. I love streaming services, okay, and I have a lot of them. But I actually think about how good it was for us growing up to have something as mundane as movie watching be filled with waiting,

and frustration, because in a way, we were naturally building so many of the muscles that we needed to flex in much more important situations. And now, with our kids and how much immediate gratification and convenience is just built into all of our lives, it's no wonder building resilience and working against entitlement is a little trickier. There's three big ideas I want to talk about today all around building resilience. Number one, resilience is built, not born. Number two, frustration is actually our friend, not our enemy. And three, our job is not to bring our children's uncomfortable emotions to a zero. Let's start with that first idea. Our kids aren't born with this resilience that we all want our kids to eventually have.

It is a process. And here's the important thing to know. The process of building resilience doesn't look resilient at all. When we think about the word resilience, we think about taking on challenges and tolerating hard things and learning from our struggles. Yes, one day we want our kids to get there. But the pathway to resilience, let me just talk about. tell you what it's filled with, whining, tantrums, I can't do it, you have to do it for me, this is

too hard. Self-doubt. Resilience building is so messy and it can look in a way. I hope it's okay to say this. It just looks ugly. You're like, that is, that is not a beautiful situation at all. When a kid is working on a puzzle and it's those early puzzles, maybe it's just six pieces and they don't even really understand the difference between a corner and a middle piece, or maybe it's nine pieces, and you think, why are they even trying that on the edge? It's the only one that doesn't even have a straight edge to it. They're actually in the process of building resilience. No kid becomes resilient by doing that nine piece puzzle and saying to a parent at age five, this is hard, but I can do hard things. And that has never happened. And if you think that happens in my

house, I promise you, you would be disturbed because what actually happens during the nine piece puzzle is this. I can't do it. I really, really want you to do it for me. Please do it for me. Please do it for me. Or just something without words, a meltdown. But our perspective and how we see this moment is everything. Because if you can say to yourself, this doesn't mean my kid is a mess. This doesn't mean my kid gives up easily. This is literally what resilience building looks like. I can't get to a place with my kid where they can tolerate and be capable in the mess if they don't go through the experience of being overwhelmed by the mess.

They are overwhelmed by doing hard things. They are overwhelmed by frustration. What is our job to remember? I need to show my kid that I can tolerate this situation. I need to show my kid that I can see them as capable, even though they don't feel capable in that moment. This moment, while inconvenient and unenjoyable and without a doubt, probably need to go to bed a little early,

just because keeping myself calm during this moment is so hard. This is what resilience building looks like. So even though it's not fun, me and my kid were actually doing resilience building right. My kid recently recruited me into helping them build the loopiest hot wheels track ever. The plan? Dozens of tracks, three repurpose couch pillows, zero engineering experience. And the result? An epic crash.

And then a deep breath, more tinkering. And a simple, let's try that again. This is what I love about Hot Wheels. It's no surprise that kids who play with Hot Wheels are more likely to take on new challenges, even when gravity is working against them. Because it's not just about play and fun. It's about trying, failing, repeating, and growing. So you can imagine how excited I was to team up with Hot Wheels on a video series about how to build resilience,

my favorite topic ever, through play. a dream? In one episode, I talk with real kids about the frustration of not getting it right yet and how to stick with it instead of giving up. Check out the full series at hotwheels.com slash challenge accepted. And if you're feeling adventurous enough to take on your own loopiest track challenge, grab a new set of wheels or several. That's hotwheels.com slash challenge accepted. Okay, let's talk about the second idea. Frustration is our friend, not our enemy.

And now, I just want to make this perfectly clear. When I'm frustrated, my first thought is never, oh, Becky, this is so good for me. No, frustration is a very uncomfortable experience. And if we actually just break down, well, what is frustration? It actually does, sorry to say, go back to Blastor. Frustration is the feeling we all have between wanting, and having. I want to watch a movie. I haven't started it yet. I feel frustrated. And this obviously

applies in situations that have nothing to do with movies. I want to know how to do this math problem. I don't know how to do it yet. In that space, I feel frustrated. Now, here's kind of the irony. The space between wanting to do something and doing it or between wanting to do something and successfully knowing how to do it, there's another way we can think about that space. Learning. What is learning? Learning is the space between not knowing how to do something and knowing how to do something. So if you think about what that all means, the times my kid is learning, they are going to be frustrated. Frustration is actually a sign that you're in the learning space, which is where we want our kids to be

so they can learn the skills they need to learn to be the resilient teens and adults we want them to be. Now, this can be interpreted in a lot of ways. In no ways when your kid is frustrated about their math problem or learning how to read, do I think it would be helpful to say to your kid,

this is amazing. Do that frustration thing and I'll be back. No. And I don't think we should say, why are you making a big deal out of nothing? You're frustrated. every kid is frustrated. No big deal. I do not think those things will be effective. Actually, this concept is most important for you. We want to actually teach our kids this.

They love to learn it. But it's most important for a parent. Because do you know what happens when we hear our kids say, I don't want to do my math problem. It's so hard. We panic. We actually think there's a problem to solve. And then we layer our panic next to our kids panic. And no wonder they become less and less able to deal with frustration because they're kind of picking up on our cues. Hey mom, hey dad, can you stay calm when I'm frustrated? Because if you can't stay calm when I'm frustrated, how the heck am I going to ever stay calm when I'm frustrated? I'm taking cues from you. So when you just know in your head and hearing it now is going to make it more usable the next time you need it, frustration is a sign my kid is learning. It's actually a good thing.

your whole perspective changes. And when your perspective changes, that's what enables you to access that sturdy leader that I promise you was already inside you. I want to share a funny story around frustration. So in my kids' school, they get these days where they do special projects. And there's this list of projects they get assigned to. They kind of have a break from academics and they're in groups and they get to do these special experiences.

Some of the experiences are more awesome than others. and kids get to rank what they want and then they get assigned a project and they're with I don't know a group of I think it's about 15 kids and so there's always kind of two factors the kids assess their project based on did I get the project I wanted

and am I with my friends and you can imagine I'm with my friends and I got the project I wanted that's amazing and the worst situation is I got number eight on my list and I'm with nobody I know okay so the first year we had these special projects my son came home

and he just said to me I literally got the last choice and I'm with nobody I know. Now, I can get to how I responded but I was repeating this to one of my close friends and she said the funniest thing to me. She goes, Becky, did you call the school

and ask them to put him in the worst project with none of his friends? Which I didn't do because I don't need to do that to my kid but the reason it was a funny question is because how many times do we call the school saying, I need my kid to be with these friends to have the perfect class experience when maybe, and this is just more of a thought starter than something to actually do, it's just something to play around within our head.

Maybe the thing we should be calling the school about is making sure our kid is actually in some situations where they don't have everything that they want, where there is a gap between wanting and having, where they are learning to have frustration and tolerate it just because they're going to have to get through it. Maybe that is the best gift we could give our kids as opposed to kind of micromanaging their early years for perfection and ease, which of course then we shouldn't be surprised

that they don't feel that resilient later on because things have always been shaped in a way to maximize their comfort, not their capability. So no, I did not make that call. But when I got through this moment with my son and we talked about it. Oh, that stinks. That's not what you were hoping for. That's the worst. And I didn't let him wallow. And look, you're going to get through it. You're probably going to meet some kids. There's going to be something about this project that ends up being better than you think.

And either way, you're going to have a new notch in your belt. I got through something I didn't totally love, and that's going to make me stronger in the future. I have a term for this type of experience. And I'd ask you to kind of try it on. The next time your kid is disappointed by something that you know is just emblematic of something that's going to happen a million times over the course of their life. I want you to actually think about this term. Sick, joy. Here's what I mean. I wasn't actually joyful. Yes, he got the worst project. Yes, he's with no friends. Obviously, that's not my natural response. But I liked a parent for the long run. I'm very long term greedy. I am motivated by impact. And I kind of knew in this moment, he's disappointed.

he feels a little left out, he's not getting what he wanted. If I can show up with validation, but also capability and sturdiness, this might be my best parenting moment of the week. This might be the thing that's going to help him when he's in college, when he's 20s and 30s, he's not going to know that his resilience came from this moment, but it will. And so I allow myself to have a little bit of sick joy. Like, ooh, this isn't enjoyable.

this isn't easy but oh my goodness this is impactful and that's pretty powerful all right last idea it is not our job as parents to bring our kids uncomfortable emotions to a zero now i say this myself and then i have the next thought well obviously it's not my job but i think sometimes unconsciously we think it's our job or we somehow equate our kid always being happy with getting I don't know, like an A on our parent report card, right? Which, by the way, it doesn't exist. Every time we try to fix our kids' feelings, we send them a message that I actually don't think we want to send them. I don't really think you're capable of coping with this. Now, I know. It's like, am I really saying that? But think about it. My kid is left out of a birthday party.

Now, that stinks. And maybe my kid. age 25 isn't going to be upset they were left out of a literal birthday party, but maybe they will. But maybe they'll realize, oh my goodness, my friends, I see them on Instagram having a dinner and it's a small group and it's not all of our friends, but I wasn't included. We know adults get left out all the time. We know adults apply for a job and they don't get it. We know adults expect a promotion and it takes a little longer. We know adults want to buy a house and then realize I don't have enough money to buy that house. These things happen all the time. And I know you're a parent who wants your kid to be prepared for those situations, not being an adult

who thinks, I have never had to deal with disappointment my whole life because someone has always swooped in, brought my disappointment to a zero, and replaced my disappointment with joy and happiness. I don't know about you, but I really don't want my adult child to call me and say, mom, you have to buy me a big house. I really don't want my 25-year-old to call me and say, you've got to call my manager and tell my manager why I deserve the promotion. These things are laughable, but they happen. And we shouldn't be surprised if they happen if we've made the habit of bringing our kids' uncomfortable emotions to a zero.

Then that becomes our job. And our kid actually experiences themselves as remarkably fragile, which is the opposite of resilience. My kid recently recruited me into helping me. them build the loopiest Hot Wheels track ever. The plan? Dozens of tracks, three repurpose couch pillows, zero engineering experience, and the result, an epic crash. And then a deep breath, more tinkering, and a simple, let's try that again. This is what I love about Hot Wheels. It's no surprise that kids who play with Hot Wheels are more likely to take on new challenges, even when gravity's working against them because it's not just about play and fun it's about trying

failing repeating and growing so you can imagine how excited i was to team up with hot wheels on a video series about how to build resilience my favorite topic ever through play um a dream in one episode i talk with real kids about the frustration of not getting it right yet and how to stick with it instead of giving up check out the full series at hotwheels.com And if you're feeling adventurous enough to take on your own loopiest track challenge, grab a new set of wheels, or several. That's hotwheels.com slash challenge accepted. All right. Thank you for your questions that you submitted about resilience, and let's get to them.

First question. Whenever my kids complain about being bored in the car, I end up blurting out. When I was your age, we didn't have iPads or speak. Spotify. We just stared out the window. I know that's not really helpful, but it drives me crazy, and I don't know what else to say. This is a good one. Bortem. I want to start by actually almost restating something we already talked about, but in this context, it is not my job to bring boredom to a zero. Can we just breathe a sigh of relief? Because again, I think a part of us unconsciously thinks it is our job, which is why we're so triggered by our kids saying that they're bored,

that yes, we kind of spit out these words we don't want to say. But one of the reasons we're triggered is we feel like it's a barometer of our parenting, like we did something wrong. And so we have to shut it down. Your kid can be bored. It is not your job to make sure your kid is always entertained. And I actually want to go further, especially in this world that we live in with so much immediate gratification, I would actually say, it's your job to make sure your kid is bored. I would actually give you a secret high five that your kid couldn't see when your kid says, I'm really bored. I'd be like, amazing.

Bye, bye. Okay? Why? Bortem is kind of the feeling we have in between moments of activity and enjoyment. It's also the space where we think about new ideas and create something for our, ourselves. And boredom is one of the reasons we do things. We are not really that motivated to do. Here's an example. I remember my kids being home on a Saturday and my son saying, I'm really bored. I'm really bored. There's nothing to do. I want a play date. His sister was doing some art.

Now, my son, this son, doesn't really love art. Make a long story short. You know what I found him doing eight minutes later? art with his sister. There is only one reason why he did that. He was bored. Honestly, some people ask me, why are your kids kind of readers? Like, why do they read for pleasure? Do you read all the time? I have to be honest, I actually don't read all the time. One of the reasons they read is because they're bored and there's nothing more exciting to do. I'm like, might as well pick up a book. In our family, books are always available. And I actually do make a habit to request books often from the library, pick them up, and just kind of place them around my kid's room. And so when they're bored, an iPad might not always be available, TV is not

always available, a play date just isn't always available, but a book is. And if that's the most exciting thing, your kid also, over time, not right away, end up picking out a book. Now, how do we bring this back to the car? First of all, I promise you you'll be less likely to be triggered just knowing it's not your job to bring boredom to a zero. Second, like with any other feeling, validate the feeling and let your kid know they're capable of dealing with it. Oh, you're bored. I believe you. Just a great, simple thing to say. You're bored. I believe you. I don't like to be bored either. And I have a feeling you'll figure out something to do. Now, if we want to bring books into it, maybe you do throw some books in the car. And your kid says, I'm not reading in the car. Right?

or maybe something simple like, I don't know, markers and a pad of paper. I'm not doing art. So babyish. No problem. Just having it. And then it's just available. And you don't have to say, you know what? If you did art or read the book, you wouldn't be bored.

Don't do that. Then it becomes about control and your kid's going to rebel just because it's your idea. Just have it there. And let your kid know it's okay to be bored and you believe in them. And then do the hardest thing of all. Zip it and take a deep breath. All right. Next question.

My 10-year-old refuses to practice piano because she says it's boring and hard. Do I push her to keep going or just let her quit? This is so nuanced and I actually feel like I would need a lot more time because I think there's a lot in this question. I'm all for kids having hobbies or doing sports and there's this delicate balance where we want to set up situations for our kids where they can take things on that, yeah, require practice and are hard because we know again that's going to be resilience building for them. And they're also maybe more likely to find something that interests them, amazing things. And at the same time, there's this fine line between kind of creating the container for them and kind of dictating and controlling. And as soon as we cross that line, our kids often rebel against soccer or piano, not just because it's hard.

Just because they feel like this is no longer about me. I am performing this hobby for you. And isn't the whole point of this that it's supposed to be for me? And so one of the reasons, so many kids, and I've seen this, I'm not practicing. I hate piano. I don't like it anymore is they feel like that line has been crossed. Now, there's not one way to deal with this. Definitely, I think it's always helpful to just again start by validating this and naming this.

You're right. The songs you're learning on the piano are really hard. Like, I'm not going to lie. There are hard songs. Piano is hard. 100%. I also know you're a kid who in general, forget the piano, just in general, ends up feeling really proud of yourself when you do hard things.

I also know you, like every other human, has a hard time starting something they know is going to be hard. Let's think about this, because I know there's right now you who, of course, just wants to do something easy. When I'm in right now me mode, I also just want to be comfortable and have things be easy. And then I also know there's this other part of you. I don't know. It's like future you. It's after you practice piano you. I do feel like you end up really enjoying yourself and feel proud of yourself. And I don't know. What do you think? So what am I doing? I'm trusting my kid. I'm leading with trust and not control. I'm actually looking at my kid like a teammate in the situation, not as an enemy who's just trying to kind of make their life difficult

or make my life difficult. And so to me, this question maybe actually is a little less just about boredom or about something being hard or resilient and actually more about setting up a situation where your kid can discover that they actually do take on hard things not from a place of being told to do so but maybe even from a place of internal motivation which is something kids have if we don't take it away from them all right let's go to the next question whenever my daughter gets frustrated she shouts i can't do it and collapses in tears what's the right way to respond in moment. Okay, my first reaction is just there's probably not a right way. Actually, there's not a right way. And I just want to say that because I feel like there's a danger, definitely in an area like

parenting, because we all just care about it so much where an idea that can feel empowering can start to feel oppressive. Like, wait, did I get that right? Did I say that right way? Did I do it the way Dr. Becky would? Whatever I'm about to tell you in terms of an idea of how to respond, I can tell you, there's very low likelihood I would actually say these words in this way with my own kids when I'm activated and overwhelmed. So just take this idea in and see if it resonates with you. And then please do make it your own. When our kid says, I can't do it. What they're really saying is I'm overwhelmed. Right now, when I'm overwhelmed, I don't see a way that I could work through this. In terms of what might be helpful to your kid, I think we all jump to solutions, right? Maybe I can't do

it, I don't know, it's math or it's a writing assignment and we want to help with the writing or break down the math problem. Kind of here's how you can do it concretely. Before we get there, our kid probably is actually looking just to feel less alone in the feeling. The truth is when all of us feel less alone in our feelings, we're all more able to problem solve on our own. We can access our problem solving capabilities. We might not even need the literal help with the math. We might need the literal help with our emotions. This is why I love this concept of the feelings bench. Okay. So I want you to picture your kid kind of wandering around a garden. And it's kind of the garden of life. And each bench in the garden is kind of an experience your kid might have.

Right now your kid is experiencing the I can't do it bench. And maybe it's about math homework. But you and I know your child is going to be on that bench over and over again throughout our life. with, I don't know, a first sleepover that they actually want to go on, but they're just a little nervous because it's new. Or being in a class in college, that's hard, or a million different things where we all have the first thought, I can't do it. What's going to make your kid more resilient over time

is not avoiding that thought. It's knowing they can cope with that thought. And the more they feel your presence and the fact that you can tolerate them having that. thought, the more they'll be able to tolerate that thought and move through it more quickly. So let's say your kid is on this, I can't do a bench. We often have two urges. We either want to pull them off the bench, right, which is kind of like saying, what are you talking about? You can do it. You've done a problem like this before. Or we try to convince them their bench isn't their

bench. This isn't that hard. They're on the bench. And rather than those two responses, which again are natural, we all have those thoughts. I want you to think about literally sitting on the bench next to them. They're on the I Can't Do It bench. And maybe what they need is like a bench warmer, literally. The bench will be more tolerable and easier to move through if you just sit down next to them. So what might that look like? It could actually truly just look like that.

You can't say, I can't do it. You might sit down next to them and just put your hand and they're back. And honestly, you might end up thinking, is that seriously all they needed? Like, that actually already had a profound impact. If you want to use words or feel like more words are necessary, you could just say something simple. Like, oh, I felt that way with math problems too. Or is that your I can't do it, boys? Did you know, I also have an I can't do it voice whenever something is hard?

It's so funny. Instead of remembering, wait, this feels hard because it is hard. My voice tells me I can't do it. Ugh. Hard things can be like that sometimes. You're kind of just saying I'm here with you. I get it. Once you've kind of connected with your kid,

which is what's happening when you join them on that bench, so many other things are possible. You end up seeing. Maybe my kid really does need help remembering a certain math formula. Actually, maybe my kid just needed to know that I have felt that way too. and then, you know what happens, shame gets lower, which means capability gets higher. So that's what I would start with. Imagining they're on this, I can't do a bench.

And my first response is in some ways doing less. It's just kind of sitting down next to them in that experience. Okay, last question. My partner and I totally disagree on how to hand. handle it when our kids want to quit. I want to push them to stick it out. My partner thinks you just back off and not make such a big deal. How do we navigate this without confusing our kids or fighting in front of them? It's so hard when you're working really hard to show up in a way that you feel proud of in a tricky situation with your kid. And then you and your partner

are disagreeing about it. And all of a sudden there's this new element. I think it's one of the things about parenting that is just really tricky. We have to manage our partnership. We're managing ourselves, we're managing our relationship with our kid. And then in this situation when your kid wants to quit something and you and your partner have a very different approach, it's just really, really messy. So let's just start there. That's really hard. I think what I do is probably try to have a conversation first with your partner outside the moment. Hey, I've noticed this pattern. When one of our kids wants to quit something, we tend to have very different reactions. And I think we've probably both focused on trying to convince the other person about why we're right. I know I've

done that. But I think it's really important we get on the same page. Here's something I was thinking about. Whenever our kid wants to quit something, the truth is, in that moment when they're first talking about it, we probably don't have enough information yet to figure out what's really going on and make a great decision with our kid. And I know it's not great for us to argue about this in front of our kid. That doesn't help anyone. Do you think one of the things we could do the next time this comes up, is actually just say, we're going to make this decision together as a family, we're going to end up making a decision we all feel good about. And we just need a little bit of time. We want to learn a little bit more. Because one of the things that happens with time

is you actually do get information that helps you make a better decision. Maybe over time you learn, oh my goodness, at my kid's soccer practice, my kid is being really bullied. I asked, I went to watch a practice, I hadn't seen, I see this awful situation. This is isn't really about quitting soccer. This is a toxic situation. Or maybe you go to that soccer practice and you see something different. My kid used to be the starting wing. And now there's a new kid on the team who's better. My kid isn't starting. And actually, I think that's what's leading my kid to say they want to quit. And I actually think probably sticking with this might be the best lesson they end up learning of their whole school year. Because sometimes we aren't the best at something

anymore and I want my kid to realize they can stay in it at least for a period of time before making a decision. But none of that happens if you don't allow yourself time and curiosity. And so I have found in partnerships, aligning on that, can we just learn more together? Because maybe we don't have such different philosophies. Maybe we'll end up in the same place if we just figure it out together over time. Okay, let's sum this up. Sometimes I like to give you one takeaway, but this is going to be a little bit of a choose your own adventure. I want to rename the big ideas. And I want you to give yourself permission to just latch on to the one phrase, one of them, that really resonates with you. So here they are. One, resilience is built,

not born. Two, frustration is our friend, not our enemy. And three, it's not my job to bring my kids' uncomfortable emotions to a zero. And I want to know which one rose to the top of your list. So if you're listening on Spotify or watching on YouTube, please drop it into comments or you can even just send me a DM on Instagram at Dr. Becky at Good Inside. I really, really want to know what's on your mind. All right, let's transition. Let's end the way we always do. Place your feet on the ground. Place a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, good inside. I'll see you next time.