Good Inside with Dr. Becky - I Wish I'd Had That As A Kid

Episode Date: October 18, 2022

I'm Dr. Becky and this is good inside. And then I fast forward into like, now you're 25 and you are still living with me and you're playing that Nintendo switch. You still haven't learned Japanese, but not only have you not learned Japanese, you haven't learned anything else because you're just playing Mario Party. So I call these moments fast, forward, thought, takeover. And we all have them. Me too. Your kid is struggling today. They're hesitant to join a birthday party, or they don't sign up for the course. They told you they want to take. And all of a sudden, we flash forward. And we see

them as an adult who has no friends, or as an adult who's lazy and never gets anything done. And it's all our fault. No wonder it's so hard to stay grounded and calm. So what can we do in those moments? How can we separate our anxiety from the actual problem in front of us? And how can we best help our child? We'll get into it after this. Hey Sabrina.

Hey. So I've been thinking about toys recently. I don't want the toy to do that much of the work. I want the toy to inspire my kid to do the work. Because actually the toys that get really busy and do a lot of things, kids actually lose interest and so quickly. Oh, totally.

There are certain toys that my kids have just played with throughout the years. I have a six year old and a three year old. Like what? So I have these wooden blocks from Melissa and Doug. They're super simple, just plain wooden, no color. And my kids love them. They're always building castles or like a dinosaur layer.

And then my oldest will tell my youngest to like decorate them after he's built this crazy cool structure. My go-to's are Melissa and Doug too. I feel like we have this ice cream scooper thing that my kids use when they were two and then they used again when they were developing better fine motor skills and then for my kind of four-year-old, my seven-year old, still using it in imaginative play. I really only like talking about items and brands that we actually use in our own home and Melissa and Doug. I just don't know if there's any other brand I feel

so good about naming the way that their toys actually inspire creativity and open-ended screen-free child-led play. It's just unmatched. And like what's honestly so exciting is to be able to offer everyone listening to this podcast, 20% off. Visit molissaandug.com and use code Drbecky20DRBCKY20 for 20% off your order. Molissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. and off your order, Melissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside.

I'm a clinical psychologist, I'm a mom of three, and I'm in a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I recently spoke to a mom who was visiting her parents in her childhood home in Indiana with her 12 year old son, and it was bringing up a lot of conflicted feelings about opportunities she didn't have when she was a kid. And how all that she wants for her son is to take advantage of everything she can offer him. So let's jump in. Tell me, I don't tell me a little bit about you, your family, and something that's on your mind.

I don't tell me a little bit about you, your family, and something that's on your mind. Yeah, a little bit about me. I have a 12-year-old son named Calvin, and he is an only child. I'm here in Indiana today. I'm actually visiting my parents right now. My mom was born and raised in Japan, and my father is American, which means I've got a really multicultural background. And also with the other twist of growing up rural. So I had a very different upbringing of being a bit

of an outsider and by a bit I mean a lot. You know, being back here and being with my mom, I see them maybe once a year. It's always the reminder of like how I a year. It's always the reminder of how I grew up. It's always a reminder of how I want to do things a bit differently. And I live a very different life now. I might sign like, and I live that. I wouldn't say urban life, but the benefits of being near a city, he's very well-traveled. He's got more stamps on his passport than I had before even I was 40.

And so, but it's interesting coming back here. We pull up into the drive where we drove out here to Indiana and Calvin turns to me and says, basically, mom, you know how Obaba gets. You're going to have to be patient with her. He calls her Obaba, which is Japanese for grandma, but he turns to me and he kind of guides me through this, like, like being the one who's saying, like, which is Japanese for grandma. But he turns to me and he kind of guides me through this, like being the one who's saying, like, just be patient with her.

I'm like, okay. And what is he, tell me, what is he picking up on in you or what does he know about what it's like for you to be back in that, you know, being in our family of origin system when we are also with our kid, it's like, there's a lot going on. So yeah, what is that like for you?

So much going on. And I'm in the house, I'm in the house I grew up in as a kid. So I'm walking into rooms and they feel different. In fact, I can't even, I was talking to my husband, I'm like, I don't know how I grew up in this house. Like this house is a size of a postage stamp.

It's about 300 degrees because my dad refuses to get air conditioning. And it's so funny. The first night I've seen my parents, my mom is like, oh Calvin says he wants to take tennis lessons while he's here. And I'm like, he does because he's never mentioned that to me. And oh no, he wants to take tennis lessons. And all of a sudden, I'm like transported back into my mom

pushing sports on me. And I'm just like, oh God, now I just feel like she's transferring her tennis hopes and dreams onto her grandson. And I'm just like, mom, he just wants to play tennis with you. He doesn't want to go out and take lessons. Like why don't you just go hit a tennis ball with him? And I can just feel myself like I'm like instantly transported into being like, I don't know, 15 again, where I'm just like, you know, I'm not a super athletic person.

I sort of came to it on my own, things like running and my mom just like pushing these things on me. And I try really hard with with my son to not do that. Pick something, pick an activity. I don't care. But I'm not going to push you into competitive sports and I'm not going to push you into anything. One of the things you're saying that resonates to me a lot

is there's times in where with our family of origin and our kids really, there's like confusion. It's like, wait, am I reacting for my kid? Is this me as a kid? What's me? What's my kid? Like what year is it? Am I the parent, am I the child, what is happening right now?

Definitely, interestingly started talking about tennis and having things pushed on you because what I find myself doing is pushing, even though I'm telling you right now, I was like, oh, I'm not pushing sports on Calvin. What I do end up pushing on Calvin are things like reading. The reason why I'm bringing this up is that if Calvin even just says,

oh, I'm very interested in African art. Like, I'll run out and buy a bunch of African art books or just, or I'll start throwing things at it, just throwing opportunities at him. And then he feels overwhelmed. I've sent him up for Japanese lessons because once he said he was interested in Japanese lessons and I'm like, I'm gonna give him an opportunity

because when I was growing up, I didn't have that. This comes from growing up in a rural area when we didn't, and I grew up at a time there wasn't any internet. I'm feeling like I didn't have a lot of opportunities I didn't make things happen. Yeah, well, no, it sounds like I can tell me this is right. Like, you wanted things that you didn't have access to when you were a kid. Do you remember that those wants?

Oh, absolutely. I remember when I was in elementary school, I wanted to learn French so badly. And that just wasn't an offering. I like birthday allowance money and I bought a French dictionary. And I didn't realize because I was so young at the time that you can't just string together words from a dictionary. And I would remember trying to get a French pen pal. And I just gave up on it because it was obvious like I didn't have anybody to do this with. And I didn't have the resources.

That really strikes me. There's just this wall. It sounds like you're actually pretty independent and resourceful. And that takes a lot of motivation and a lot of confidence. I'm going to go put things in order for myself and I'm going to really hunker down. And then, I was like, wait, this isn't the thing and the thing that will really help me.

It's literally not a possibility. I'm now at a wall. I have a wall. Exactly. I've had to work through a lot of resentments. I mean, 10 years ago, I probably wouldn't have completely gone off. But I just felt like I just couldn't go further with any, any dream that I had or any, you know, and, and, and further record.

I still can't speak French. It never happened. Well, I'm going to actually, I think we're going to end up circling back to that. And to me, the reason it's so important to understand our past is not because there's something magical that happens when we talk about our past. And then there's rainbows and unicorns. That's not the case at all. But our past often lives itself out in our present.

And if we don't go back to the source, then we're actually not living in the moment as a parent with a kid. We're actually reliving something old. And nobody, nobody thinks that's productive. So now you're in Calvin's room. And he, you know, says, kind of off to the side, maybe he even doesn't even wholeheartedly believe it is, like, oh, mom, I want to learn, I want to learn Japanese They're mom, I'm interested in electrical circuits. Okay, so you hear this. And I'm just now transported back to your childhood. You have an interest.

You take your body to the store with money you've saved. You find the right book. You take your body back. You open up like there's so many points of action to try to turn this desire into a behavior. And what happens in that moment with Calvin? He says, I want to learn Japanese. And what do you think goes on for you? If we had a movie and we like paused and we like looked inside your body, like what's happening?

Oh, I think it's joy for him and to be clear when he says like, oh, I want to do this. I'm like, oh, my goodness. Like, oh, you want to do something you've got a dream. Okay. How can I best support you in that dream? And so immediately, I'm like, how do I quickly nurture this? Yeah. It's like, no, but it's like, how can I nurture and encourage an interest and living where we live, it's like, oh, well, there's so many opportunities. There's so many resources. Yes.

What would have been like for you? Let's even take the French example. I'm sure there are other examples. What would have happened if that interest was paired with opportunity and support from your parents? Oh, then you're talking about like, oh, what would my life have been like then? Oh, well, what if somebody had actually helped really guide me through college application process? What

if there was a French tutor? And then you start to, you know, and it's not like I spend my days, you know, wistfully thinking about, you know, my life in Paris. But I'm just like, oh, could my life have been so much more richer? Could something else have happened? And it's not that I'm not happy with my life now. But that's important. So let's pause on that. Because when you think about what would have happened if I had access to a French class and support, your mind does naturally travel out.

What would it have been like if I had access to support and resources to turn my desire into outcomes? It's amazing. It's really interesting. You were this kid with such motivation and such persistence and there was a limit Because the resources weren't always a match. Yeah, and I have found ways like my life is fine Like my life is one. It's not fine. My life is wonderful So it wasn't like oh, whoa is me, but it's sort of

When you have a sort of like a dream that you feel like you could have fueled a bit more, you can't help but to wonder, sort of, oh, what a... Of course, there's loss when we become parents and we see what we're able to give our kids. If those things weren't given to us, there's really understandable loss there. Two things can be true, right? We can appreciate a life we have now and more in a life we didn't have. We can feel grateful for all we have today, or even all we even had in a childhood, and be sad about the things we didn't have. And especially if we're parenting a

kid who has a version of a life that we didn't have and would have wanted or wished for. If we don't actually attend to the feelings of loss, we better bet those feelings will be acted out in anger toward our child for not taking advantage of the opportunities that they may or may not even want, but we actually did want for ourselves. Yeah, yeah, that's absolutely right. Hey, so I want to let you in on something that's kind of counterintuitive about parenting. The most impactful way we can change our parenting actually doesn't involve learning any new parenting strategies.

The most impactful way we can change our parenting is by giving ourselves more resources so we can show up as sturdier so we can show up as calm amidst the inevitable chaos. It's what our kids need from us more than anything else. This is why I'm doing my mom rage workshop again. I'm doing it again because it is one of my most popular ones to date. It's coming up July 19th, but no worries if you can't make it live. It'll be available as a recording for whenever you have the time. It's coming up July 19th, but no worries if you can't make it live.

It'll be available as a recording for whenever you have the time. I promise it's really the best investment we can make not only in ourselves, but also in our kids. Can't wait to see you there at GoodInside.com. If we go back to Kelvin's room, and he says, you know, he says, oh, mom, I think Japanese is interesting, right? Sometimes it can be as little as that. And we're like, oh, we activate.

Here's the irony. You didn't have a lot of resources. You had a lot of independence and motivation. Your child seems to have many more resources and much less independence and motivation. Right? And in some ways, you activate for him. You hear who you like, Japanese. You're like, I could put it all in place.

Yeah. That's exactly it. And not only, I think, is it important to think about your own trigger just because it just doesn't feel good for us as parents to show up and yell and say these things, right? That just doesn't feel good for us. So that'll end up feeling better for you. Also, my guess is, side by side, it's gonna be helpful for Calvin in his life to start

pairing his interest with his own planning and activation, not to learn that when I get interested in something, my parent activates and puts a plan in place for me. Like none of us want that for our kids when they're 30. Yeah, yeah. It's funny to bring this up because a couple of weeks ago, Calvin was telling my husband, every time I tell you and mom I have an interest, it's like you do too much for it and then I feel pressure. Hmm. First of all, I think that just says so much about your son that he can articulate that, such impressive self-reflection.

When I express an interest, a kind of goes from interest to pressure for me. And then I don't know if he said this, but I hear you saying is interest, pressure, loss of interest. And I think like I'm familiar with this. I think we all are as adults. Like if you say to, I don't know a partner, you know, I really want to get up early and

start working out. And then they're like, yeah, yeah, do that. You should do that. You're gonna wake up tomorrow. You're like, I'm not, I'm not working out. Like, right, like, it just left. Like, somehow it was my interest. And then something happened where my interest entered your body. And you co-opted it as your own. Now, well, there's none left for me. So, um, just left here doing nothing. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, as a parent, when we see this with our kids,

I can feel juvenile. It can feel like they're just giving us a hard time. Okay, fine. So I signed you up for a Maclass, but now you're not interested, right? It can seem like they're almost like making a big deal out of nothing, but there's a really deep existential, almost like thread here, where being interested

in something, it enlivens you, like as a person, you're like, wow, like I feel alive, this is my thing, this is my interest, it lives in my body, watching someone else take it over. That is also a loss, because like, where did I go? Now my thing just became your thing, and what am I left with? I guess I'm left with nothing, right? And so there's a conundrum as a parent because something you said earlier really stuck with me. How do we support our kids in their interest? But I think the next question is, how do I support but not take over?

How do I support but not caught? What does it really mean? Are your sons kind of letting you know I need the two of you to redefine what you think of as support, so I can maintain my interest and motivation. Let's do that together. My son says I'm interested in Japanese. So with on one side, we have, oh, that's amazing.

Guess what, I signed you up from a class and it starts tomorrow and I'm gonna drive you there and I even packed you a snack and here's some books. Okay, that's amazing. Guess what? I signed you up from a class and it starts tomorrow and I'm going to drive you there and I even packed you a snack and here's some books. Okay, that's like maybe, okay. So maybe that's like more toward the taking over side and I'm going to just give you the book ends and the other end as well, I don't care. Like, well, go figure it out yourself and, you know,

nobody cares that you have to say, okay, those are our two ends. What's in the middle? Yeah, and I think the gap that's missing is the conversation and the feedback. And I think and also giving enough what I would call it an opt out. So in other words, like the one extreme that you described, which is probably I don't think I go bad overboard, but I'm sure that I too, like I'm interested in Japanese. Okay, well now I'm going to get on this computer now

and I'm going to like look up or their online Japanese classes and then I start researching it. But before I even do that is the question of you want to learn Japanese is like, all right? What do you want to do with that? And just just just pause there because actually I think it's a really underutilized skill as a parent. Me too. I'm all talk. I don't do this enough. I'm kidding.

Mom, I want to learn Japanese. Just listen to me. You want to learn Japanese. No one can see this, but I'm zipping my mouth. It's really the essence of reflective listening. Maybe if I'm going to add, and tell me if he would say it after this, oh, you want to learn Japanese, Calvin? Tell me more about that.

Okay, you play Calvin. What would he say? I want to be able to talk to my relatives. Well, that's really cool that you're interested in that. Maybe there's some words I can learn. Yeah, that seems like a great place to start. And look, Calvin, I'm just telling you, I totally see myself. I could sign you up for that class or we can make this a bigger thing. And I'm working on letting you figure out next steps that you want to take because after

all this started from your interest and I want it to remain your interest, not mine. So let me know if there's ways you want me to help you turn that interest into some next step, I'm here to help. Um, but I also know you're a really smart, capable kid. And you probably also know some of the resources out there. So maybe you could take that next step and then let me know how I can support you. Okay, mom. And then he'll probably he could say, you know, I could never hear from him again. And that's fine. This is great.

I'm so glad you went there. But it's fine in Las Vantes. It's not totally fine. Well, like, oh shoot. Did I, what if I had signed him up? Because here's a much bigger picture for us to think about. Right? Everything I think about with parenting.

Like I'm thinking about now, but I often do with my own kids think they're out of childhood for way longer than they're in childhood. They're gonna be living out of my house way longer than in my house. So I like to think about like the process more than the outcome because whether or not I get my kid to sign up to learn Japanese today, like, okay, years 18 and above, they're making those decisions.

But how cool if I can help my kid learn a process where they pair their interest with taking an actionable step and maintaining their interest, and then maybe taking another actionable step. If I can have any impact on my child building what I call that circuit, that is going to be more helpful for my child in life than whether or not they took a Japanese class at age 12. So let's play that out.

Because now we're going to kind of intersect this intervention with our own triggers, right? And that's where all the magic always happens, right? So I have this great conversation. And I finished my go-ah, I crushed that moment of parenting, that felt uncomfortable. But it was new, I expressed interest, and I expressed support, but I didn't take over.

But in how was three days later, and he hasn't done anything? And I'm like this too. I can veer toward the more controlling side. After three days, I actually can feel in my body my heart racing. I'm like, oh my, he didn't sign up though. He didn't ask me to sign up and he never bought that book. And I did this intervention and he didn't do anything. This is my trigger.

This is my struggle. This is my struggle. I think in that moment, one of the things that's powerful to consider, and I wanna hear from you about this is what fast-forward error am I having? I'm in the moment where he didn't yet sign up for a Japanese class or a book. And if this is so triggering to me three days later, I've probably fast-forwarded my kids' lives,

like, I don't know, six months or a couple of years, and I've predicted, I don't know, like they're like a good for nothing person who will never be able to do, I don't know. So tell me, where does your fast-forward thought go? Yeah, my fast-forward thought, I would probably see him like playing his Nintendo Switch, and then I fast-forward into like,

now you're 25, and you are still living with me and you're playing that Nintendo Switch. You still haven't learned Japanese, but not only have you not learned Japanese, you haven't learned anything else because you're still playing Mario Party. Yeah, great. Just noticing that is huge.

Whenever we notice a worry, we make it much less likely that that worry converts into something we scream or into some behavior, right? Noticing a worry or noticing a feeling makes it less likely to act itself out. There's just so much power there. Wow, all of a sudden, Calvin's 25, he never went to college, he never got a job, he never learned anything, he's just playing Switch. Okay.

And you're laughing, as I said, which is great, because we're like, whoa, how did he just go from 12 to 25, like in the matter of a moment? Like, and then after we notice our fast forward thought, like we can just come back to the moment. Like I, really in my own house, I put my hand on my heart, I try to actually put my feet on the ground and I just say, okay, Becky, today is, and I see the date. And then I generally use this mantra around my own triggers

when I can remember it. I'm safe. This is not an emergency. I'm gonna figure this out. And then maybe as the next step, I'd reflect, okay, am I worried about the amount of video games he plays? Separate from Japanese, is that something I want to reassess? Is that something I'm saying separate from whether he signs up

for the class or not? I really do think we have to have a conversation about not doing video games right after school or only doing it in these situations just to leave space in his life for other interests for being bored enough to try something else right for maybe, but maybe I've been saved of myself. Actually, no, like I actually feel pretty good about that. Maybe he's just letting me know right now that he was interested three days ago and right now he's not. And maybe the answer is to talk with him about that. Maybe the answer, if I know I've maybe overstepped my boundaries with him in the past around his interest is just to say nothing and get on the phone and text a friend saying,

please remind me that my son one day is going to be a functioning member of society. Yeah, sort of at a hot moment when you were talking about that is really separating out, they really separate out these things because what's happening is like here is ambition and dream and desire and that's one thing. And then, but it's really hard when I'm seeing video games, because I'm just like, I just feel like video games are just, to me, this lazy entertainment and you're not, you know,

I just, I walk past and I just like see a video game. And like, to me, that's kind of a trigger for me, that fast forward trigger. Like, oh, God, I just see a video game console. And all I'm imagining is you're still living here. And it's like, but those are these two, are two different things like doing nothing with Japanese. Like, you know, this, this is here. Video games are here.

And I, and also it's just so easy as an adult, you get on that adult treadmill. And I, some of the, just take Calvin along with me mentally. And I'm just like, oh, I've got to work. I've got to do this in that. And it's, it's easy to forget. And also, he's 12. So he's not going to go get a brief case and go to work. That's exactly right. Right. And I think I said we had to circle back to this. And it's on my mind now. I'm curious about the conversation between you and Calvin.

That looks something like this. Hey, you know what we've talked about your interest in Japanese and in the past you've said you wanted to to learn more and maybe it's kind of paused for now. Yeah, interest can do that. You know, sometimes we want to take an accept, sometimes we don't. You know one of the things I realized, part of the way I react to you is based on the fact that I was never presented these opportunities. And you know what I'm going to do? I signed up for French class for myself.

That's something I always wanted to access to and I never had. And I also know the more I really pay attention to the things I've always wanted and wasn't able to get. And maybe start to give myself some of those things now. I'll probably be able to show up in a more grounded way with you. So just wanted to let you know that's happening. Tell me about that.

Yeah, I mean, so rarely do I speak to Calvin about my own dreams and ambition. And, but even ambition, honestly, because it's not like, oh God, I'm going to go sign it for French, I'm going to go work at the French embassy. Like, I'm not going to do that. But I think also being able to demonstrate or doing something was just kind of like, for fun. I don't have to do this. Yeah. Our unmet needs or even our unmet

interests are unlived dreams. They haunt our parenting. And one way to look at that is, oh, look how triggered I am with my kid. I'm an awful parent. Another way to look at that, which I much prefer because it feels actually empowering instead of shaming is, I wonder what these moments are telling me that I always wanted and I'm still waiting for. And what if now, adult enough, to give that to myself? I actually think it'll benefit our parenting immensely

because again, we can finally then distinguish past from present, but more importantly, it just feels good to give yourself the things that you've always wanted and haven't yet explored. And I think that the point of taking French class in adulthood is just that. It's that this is not so outcome driven. This is an interest and you're pairing an interest with activating that interest. Yeah, and also being very real, my parents couldn't quite nurture that,

that whole French thing. They also nurtured other things too. And so I think it's easy to look back at our own, you know, looking back at my past, my childhood, and be like, oh, I can only see this narrative. And I'm like, well, that was part of it. That wasn't the whole thing. Yes.

And right there, you're speaking to, you know, our childhoods were nuanced, right? And I think the thing with our triggers, that's the most powerful reframe, is when we start to look at our triggers with our kids as moments that really almost teach us what probably a part of us is looking for in ourselves, right? Instead of looking to change our kid about the thing we're triggered by, oh, if only he just had more follow-through, if we say, whoa, whoa, whoa, some circuit is activating in my body. That circuit was probably

there before my child even existed. So this is probably less to do with my child than it is with me. But not from what is wrong with me place, from a, oh, is my body giving me clues to something I might need. And just see what that's like. And then I do think you and Calvin in a calm moment, not in a triggered moment, and hey, I just wanted to share something with you, I've never shared with you before, moment, to talk to him about these dynamics.

It really leads to so much trust and connection to have these important conversations between a parent and a child, and it's so then relieving too. It's not some secret, it's not some burden. It's just out in the open because it's powerful for a 12 year old to be able to say, hey, mom, I think this is your hope, not mine.

I know I'm interested, and you're doing that thing you can do or you can change it from interest to pressure. And for both of our sake, please back away, so it can stay as my interest. Like, we want our kids to call us out on that a little bit. And so those foundational conversations really allow for those moments.

Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for your openness and, you know, and your willingness to have this conversation. And truly, we'd love to hear how things go in a little bit. Awesome. Thank you so much, Dr. Becky. Thanks for listening.

To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com, backslashpodcast. You could also write me at podcastatgoodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share Good Inside Membership. The first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents.

It's totally game-changing. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Nat and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Erica Belsky, Mary Panneco, Jill Cromwell Wang, Ashley Valenzuela, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.