Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Kids! Parenting When They're Not Just Like Us

Episode Date: December 6, 2022

What do we do as parents when our kids are very different from us? How do we know when it's ok to push them out of their comfort zone and when we should sit back and let them pave their own way? On today's episode, Dr. Becky speaks to a mom who’s struggling with how best to support her son while still honoring and respecting who he is as a person.Click here for all your Good Inside gifting needs: https://bit.ly/3hvOI8IJoin Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2AFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastToday’s episode is brought to you by the following sponsor: Frida Baby’s All-In-One Potty Kit has everything you need for a successful potty process — including exclusive tips from Dr. Becky. Frida Baby’s kit comes with a Grow-With-Me Potty that adapts as they learn - first as a standalone potty and then as a toilet topper and step stool for the big toilet. The Frida Baby All-in-One Potty Kit is a total game-changer… pairing a ground-breaking product with content and tips that bring you and your child confidence and success. Pick yours up at Fridababy.com, Amazon, Target or Buy Buy Baby.

I'm Dr. Becky and this is good inside. So, I am an extrovert and like the most extreme extrovert that I've ever met. And my first son, he's seven now, is not. I don't think. What do we do as parents when our kids seem to exist in the world in a very different way than we do. He's always been a kid that's a little, has felt different from me since the time he came out of the womb. And I think, you know, kids are here to teach us as much as we're here to teach them,

and he's definitely opening me up to a whole different way of being in the world. We'll explore this right after the break. Quick note, paid partnerships keep the good inside podcast free for our audience. I want you to know that I take partnerships seriously because I take my relationship with you seriously, so I only partner with brands that I trust and feel great about using in my own home. So if you're like me, when you hear the word vitamin, you say to yourself, yeah, I probably need some of those. Well, when I was on my book tour, I met the founders of parallel, the first and only vitamin

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Their 30 day supply comes in daily packets, you just pop in your bag, so you never forget to take it. No matter what stage of parenting you're at, from trying to conceive, to postpartum, to having toddlers or elementary schoolers, they have the right vitamin pack for all of us. Best part for me? No guesswork. no stress, and their vitamins are super easy on my stomach, which for me is a big difference from others I've tried. The parallel founders are good inside podcast listeners, and they wanted to give the pod community 15% off their first three months. So use code good inside 15 at parallel.co. That's p-e-R-E-L-E-L dot-c-o. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist, I'm a mom of

three, and I'm on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. Today I'm talking with a mom who's struggling with how best to support her son while still honoring what makes him his own independent person. Let's listen. As a mom, there are more and more situations where I'm struggling to figure out how much to support him, let him know I see him as he is, I trust his feelings, I respect his needs, he doesn't need to change for the world. And I know from my own experience all the opportunities and advantages of being an extrovert and also the joy of it. And I don't want him to put himself in a box or limit his growth.

Yeah, so it's kind of long-winded. No, I think that's really kind of direct actually in, you know, and I think I can relate to, you know, not the specifics, but really this theme of like, what is it like to have a kid who's really different from you? Sounds like he's really different from you. Yeah, and has been since the beginning. Yeah, right, you had so true, we have these kids who come out. And then we see them years later, you. Yeah, and has been since the beginning. Yeah, right? You had so true. We have these kids

who come out. And then we see them years later, you're like, wow, like I really can trace this from the start. You see the temperament. So early. So let's jump in with like something specific. I love to like kind of hear a specific situation and then use that to kind of zoom out and understand some bigger themes and come back with some kind of strategies and concrete ideas. So what comes to mind with your son? Like what's a situation that would make you say, oh my goodness, in this moment,

like our difference is we're heightened or that difference between supporting him versus colluding, right? Like that's always hard to figure out. So yeah, what comes to mind? I mean, so many examples. I think one that comes up a lot is that he has one friend at school who he adores

and has been his good friend since last year in kindergarten. And he is not super interested in meeting other kids in his class. And every day when he comes home from school, I'm dying to ask him, who did you play with on the playground? And when I do, he's like, you know, and says his best friend's name. And his best friend is not there. He says, I prefer, you know, sitting and watching everybody. And he'll even say, you know, me, mom, I'm content with my own company, which is great. And I don't want to push him to go make other friends, but also he's missing out on people and social skills are important to learn. So right off the bat, let me say, I completely resonate

with this conflict. And knowing, what does my kid need me to respect in them? And what new opportunities does my kid need me to expose them to? Yes. Is something I can tell you as a parent, I've never figured out. So sorry, maybe I started that sentence being like, yes, yes, like here, no, I didn't say,

like I've never figured that out as a parent. I don't know if there's parents who figure that out with respect to their kids, social life, first sports or academics or anything. We can say, what is my child and then need to kind of respect that and what is a way as a parent, I need to kind of move them further along.

And I really do believe that just struggling with that difference is like the best we do as a parent. It's just asking those questions, is I can tell you that's where I am. And I think just first giving ourselves permission to live between those two and ask ourselves that question without being certain that what we're doing is the right thing

is a sign that we're approaching this in a really thoughtful way. So that's step one. That's comforting. Good. Maybe that's all like we can take a deep breath there. So let's go into that moment. So he comes home from school.

And you want to come to him saying like, well, who did you play with today? Let's just unpack that a little bit. What do you think you're hoping for there? Or what are you hoping he's gonna say, what feels better to you? What does one answer mean versus a different answer mean? Let's unpack that. I mean, I think my dream easy answer, which I don't anticipate will happen, it's saying, Oh, you know what? I played with three new people. We had a blast.

We played this game. And I'm looking forward to seeing those people tomorrow. That would be what would be fun for me on the playground. And I want to take it a step further, if he said that to you. Like what belief would come up about him? Because like the things we're looking to hear from our kids represent always something bigger about them. Like it might be like, oh, he's gonna be fine when he's a teenager. Let's like think about the leap your brain makes just so we know what's really a hand here.

I think it is that it's he's going to be fine. He's going to be fine as a teenager. He's going to be fine in the workforce. He knows how to seek other people out and open himself up to them and speak confidently and be included. Yeah. And I think at the base of it, maybe the big fear beyond him not being okay is even more specifically as someone who feels so much fuller when I am seen by friends and I feel connected to people that he won't have opportunities for that. He won't know how to get that kind of satisfaction. So here's what's coming to mind now. For me, I'm starting with the baseline that you said, like, we are so different.

Me and my son are so different. I am the ultimate extrovert. Like, I am the extroverted extrovert. And I draw so much energy and so much joy from connecting to other people and making new relationships and getting feedback and interacting with them. That is such a big part of my life. And my son likes to have at least at this moment one friend. He does not seek out groups. He does not seek out new experiences. We are completely different. Okay, so what comes next for me is developing this filter, I think. It's okay, wait.

Am I putting my way of being in the world on him, or am I learning more about his way of being in the world that he's experiencing. So let's go through that. From your perspective, the way I think we unconsciously put our own experience on our kids is we make the sleep.

Oh, if you had more friends, like you'd be better in the workforce, you'd be more fulfilled, right? And being able to take a deep breath and say, whoa, whoa, that's my way of being in the world. Like that has worked out well for me. Yes, that has given me joy.

That's given me purpose. That's given me a sense of safety in the world. And one of the things I know for sure is my child is almost a 180 degree different for me. He is. And so, in a way, he's this creature on a totally different universe and how you operate, right, on your planet. I don't know if it gives us that much information

about what's going to help him operate on his planet. How many of you think about that? I think that it is really helpful to think that he's 180 degrees in the opposite direction. I think that I've known that the way he is is super important in the world, is valuable. You need people who don't seek social validation and who work best alone. And yet, respecting all that, I can't let go of the belief that the world, and especially this culture,

is built in a lot of ways for extroverts, more and more in school, group projects, and the part of my job is not to put my way of being on him. And a hard thing to remember is what gives me joy, will not give him joy. He might be much happier on the playground sitting and talking to a teacher, or watching, then going to find other friends

of his best friends not there. But I know I have to help him not stay limited within that, and he is a kid who knows himself so well. Yep. And when he learned the word introvert, he grabbed onto it. And I don't want him to be limiting himself because of what makes him feel safe, even though I know it makes him feel happy in a way it would not make me feel happy.

And I totally understand that. And I'm a pragmatist too. And I get that. It's like, okay, yeah, there's many ways of being in the world, but maybe our world really does reward people who can develop many social relationships or do speak up for themselves. So here's what I'm going to say about that. That may be true. I don't know. I haven't done the sociological studies. I haven't, you know, definitely haven't surveyed enough people. But let's just assume that's true because that's the fear that would make us want to shift something a little bit in our kid. Right? So that's the fear. So let's address that. Even if that's true, even if the world does reward people like that, one of the things that I think about your son is how much he's going to need support to navigate the world, not being the type of

person who fits so easily into a world that rewards socialization and being outgoing. Like how almost even more important it is for him to have a secure base, if you will, to come back to and feel normal in that space, to feel loved, to feel accepted, because I always think about this with regards like exploration, because what you're saying is you're an explorer. Like you like to go out, you like to go meet and like talk to different people, right? You explore and your son, like has this base and he's like, I don't like to stray too far from the base. I have my base, like here I am.

Like I know there's stuff out there not for me. And the big irony, I think around this, is the more secure we feel in our base, the more open we are over time to exploration. Because exploring away from our base comes from the belief that I could always go back to my base, and there'll be people there, and no matter what happens out there in the world, I can kind of recharge, I can like recharge in my home.

And so if I make this more concrete, I think about the difference between saying, hey, who did you play with recess today? Which I think our kids also know. And I've said this too to my less extroverted child. Like my kid knows, like my mom just wants to know if I'm indifferent, like stop saying it like that. Like I get it.

Okay, I know what you're really asking me or not so, you know, so swab there. So they know that. So instead of basically saying so to do make a new friend today, I wonder what would happen if you said something like Tell me about the part of school, you know, that was the most fun. What did you like most at school today? Or I wonder if you did any interesting, you know, experiments with colors today. Something totally different and

know experiments with colors today. Something totally different. And then if I think about him building safety and kind of building up his confidence, I think that comes less from moments of, hey, it might be a good idea to make some other friends. There's a lot of nice kids in your grade. We should really do that. And more from you seem to feel really, really good with your best friend. I do that. And more from, you seem to feel really, really good with your best friend. I get that. And look, it's tricky because it's so nice to have a best friend. It can also be really nice to have other people we over time feel comfortable with. And you know what I guess the truth is, you're the only one who's going to really figure out that balance. And what I can tell you is I'll be here for you in every moment that you do.

That makes me tear. I see that reaction. Tell me, yeah, tell me what's connecting about that. I think I say a lot of those pieces all the time. And the piece that I don't say is, at the end of the day, it's you who's gonna figure it out and I'll be here. Versus, I've got to figure it out for you and make sure I'm shaping you towards someone who will be okay. And just, I wanna pause on that

because I know in my own life, my kids, that's so many implications beyond extroversion or introversion, the difference between my framework, I'm like, I know where my kid has to get, and I wanna help them, so I'm gonna help them get there versus my kid's gonna be the driver of their car. They're going to steer their ship. Only they really know their eventual destination.

I can be their guardrails. I can be a passenger. I can let them know that no matter what happens, I both believe in them. And I'll be there when things are hard. Not from what I told you so you should have done this earlier, but from what I get this is hard. And I'm right here. Yeah. Yeah. Hey good inside listeners. So sometimes with parenting, a podcast does the trick. And sometimes with parenting, we need a bit more.

And I wanted to be sure you knew that we're set up to help you in those trickier times. The good inside membership platform is your parenting and psychopedia, coupled with a community of parents and experts you trust, which means that no matter what you're going through, we've got you covered. And then we take it a step further. because I know that we're people who don't just want to solve a problem and return to baseline. We want to raise our

baselines, right? And this is what we really do together. Reduce triggers, learn to set boundaries, and access that sturdy leader that I know is inside all of us. It's all there when you're looking for that next step. And until then, please do check out goodinside.com slash podcast. Scroll down to the Ask Dr. Becky section at the bottom and let me know what you want to talk about in future podcast episodes. I think about trusting, I'm trying to trust Ellie's kids a lot. It's something we're not taught to do with kids.

I think so much of the guidance out there is all about controlling kids. I personally think control and trust are opposites, right? Because we really only control people when we don't trust them. It's unconscious. And I think when we feel controlled by someone, the reason we hate it is, it feels like they're saying to us, I don't trust you. I know better than you do. And I know what I know from this seem and brief time talking to you is you don't want to send your son the message that you know what's better for him than he knows what's better for him. And I think really to your credit, what you really want to say to him is like, it's okay

to be different from me. And I'll be a partner for you as you figure out who you are. And yeah, explicitly saying to kids where it's like, you're the only one who can figure this out. You're the only one who can know what feels good on a playground. You're the only one who knows how many close friends feels good to you. You're the only one who knows what it's like to make new friends and how big of a barrier that feels. We're actually building up a kid's both sense of confidence internally

and their security with us at the base. And that's the big paradox is it doesn't mean you say that enough to a week. It's like, Becky, that was crazy. My kid made a new friend on the playground. Like it's not that linear. But if reaching out to new people is something that really would be good for him, these are the ingredients that's going to allow him to do that because he both feels confident in himself and he feels confident in his relationship with you.

Hmm, that's really valuable. I think what I, you said, it doesn't mean it's going to happen in a week. I think my fear is if I say, you're the only one who knows, and I'm here as you figured out, that he'll say, okay, I don't ever need to talk to anybody. Again, that's not him. I mean, he also does have lots of other friends. I just want to say

to his credit, but there are all people who he's met in one-on-one situations and he feels very safe with. And so this paradox that you outline that actually the more trust I give him, even at age seven, the less I try to control and I think that I, in my brain, replace control with teach, and this idea that we have to teach help form our children, which is true, but the line between that and control can get a little murky that maybe stepping away from the teach, slash control, and towards the trust will actually, maybe more slowly, but will actually let him open into the confidence that he will need to find his way in the world socially. I really feel like that because I think we do this thing, or when we see our kid today, we put the exact situation

kind of a couple of years from now. So for example, my seven year old has one friend. My seven year old has one friend and oh my goodness. When my kid is now 18, I don't want them to have one friend. So one friend as a seven year old means one friend as an 18 year old. But hear me out, here's the way I think we need to fast-forward instead of with the concrete detail.

Right now, my seven-year-old has figured out the type and number of friendships that feel right to him. Like, God, I hope when my kid is 18, they still know the type and number of friendships that feels good to them. Who knows what that number will be? But that's the process on building. I think we get really lost in the manifestation, in the number one,

or we think, my kid is the only kid who doesn't join the birthday party versus my kid doesn't join something until they feel safe. My kid waits until they feel comfortable before jumping in. You know, I know a lot of people who have teenagers in college and what they would give for their teenagers to be able to say, you know, I'm going to wait till I'm comfortable, I'm not ready yet, they would give a lot. That's what we want for our kids. And so I think in these moments of anxiety, when we see our kids in this way, and then, yeah, we predict kind of awfulness. If we take a deep breath and say, what's a more generous interpretation of this, a more generous interpretation of my kid only has one friend, is my kid actually, and your kid

seems amazingly confident this way. He's like, this is how I like to be right now. If your kid at 18 knows how he likes to be and has a social world that reflects how he feels most comfortable, I promise you this is a kid who's going to be more satisfied with his life than most 18-year-olds. We don't know what it will look like, and that's the thing I think we need to trust. I don't know what that's going to look like at 18, but what I wanna build that self-trust and trust that process.

Yeah, that's also takes the stake stand for everyone in the moment. Right, I know. And I know this comes from the best place because you're such an involved parent. You're like, I don't want to have an 18 year old and look back and look, oh, I could have. I should have. It's my fault.

Right? Yes, exactly. And I think, you know, again, what can really help that anxiety we have is to say, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, nothing about my kid at 18 is probably going to look exactly like it does at seven. They're not on the playground. It's not about recess. So everything on the surface is going to change. And what really helps 18 year old? What really helps 30 year olds? If I have one wish for my kids, really, it's that when they're older, they have the self belief that says,

I'm the only one in my body. I'm the only one who knows what I like and what I want. And I can form a life that kind that mirrors that as long as it's safe for everyone else, right? But that's what I want for them, that type of real self-confidence. And that's something I try to come back to when I'm not triggered, which of course I have those moments too, but it's, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me take the surface details away. How can I show my kid I trust them? I think what you can continue to do is expose,

and say, hey, today we are going to, you know, we are going to a family event, and there's gonna be four other families there, and there's gonna be all kids who kind of know each other, and I know they all do soccer, and I know that's not really your thing right now, right, there's a little like kind of movement language, it's not your thing right now. I know it's probably not your thing right now. There's a little movement language. It's not your thing right now.

I know it's probably not gonna be your favorite afternoon. I also know you're a kid who figures things out and can get through it. And if any part's tired, you can come talk to me. We are gonna go. We are gonna go because all of us do things that aren't our favorites and kind of expose us to different situations.

I'm exposing my child while not adding kind of any type of pressure or value judgment. I love the language of at this time, the little sneaky things because I, as I said, is that he knows himself so well and I want to support it and trust it and not limit him to something that he has prescribed as his identity at seven. And I love that exactly. So when he does do something limiting, you know, Mom, I'm an introvert. You know, you're an extrovert. It's interesting to me.

Oh, really? You know, a part of me is definitely extroverted. And it's probably a pretty big part. I also have an introverted part. Hmm. I wonder if my extroverted part in my body is as big as your introverted part in your body. And it's almost like my introverted part

and your extroverted part are like, hey, I'm here too. That's interesting to think about, right? What do you want for a snack? Then I'm just planting the idea and like moving on. Or like introvert, that's an interesting word. So hard to call someone one thing, you know, like, what do you do your job?

I'm a composer, I write musical theater. I love that, so that's a great example. That could be a powerful thing to say to him. You know what's funny? The other day someone introduced me as a composer. You know what inside, honey? I was like, wait, I'm also someone who loves to run, and I'm also a mom, and I also am starting to knit.

I'm making this up, but what you could end up with is, you know, I'm so many things. Sometimes people only see us as one thing, right? And then it's almost like, oh, I have to be that one thing, but good thing in this family, we know that we can be so many different things. Right? That's like a sneaky, it's like a sneaky, powerful message. And then just let that sit.

And I think you get that, right? We don't have to then say, remember, you have a part of you who could make friends too. I always think when we do that, I was like, I just ruined that whole intervention. Just ruined it. Right? And I feel really hopeful, really, for you and your son. And I also have to say, I think it would be probably the most powerful intervention of all if you share with him, like your exploration of the parts that are less explored in you.

Like maybe you're not only the most extroverted extrovert. Maybe there is a part of you that cancels plans one night, and you're telling me, you know, I just needed a bath. It was like too many people. You know, it's so unlike me, I'm not used to that happening. And I just kind of listened to it, and it was important. Right, so there's so many of these little things

that are less forceful, that are less concrete. But I can see as we talk, like you know they matter because they hit us. They hit our bodies like wow that would be powerful to hear from someone. And I think he'll just absorb all of these kind of sneaky powerful messages from you. Yeah. I love this. This is, I feel like I've thought about this so much that I even wondered if there was another way to think about it. But I think there are a lot of things that came out of this, the sneaky opening language,

talking about the other sides of me, which is so true. And I would benefit from getting in touch with a little bit more of my slow paced introvert itself, and that it's okay to just trust rather than teach right now. And then I can take the stakes down and that it's okay to just trust rather than teach right now, and that I can take the stakes down by not projecting forward the worst case scenario. I just, usually at the end of a conversation, I like to recap it for people,

but you did such a better job than I would do. So thank you for that. And something you just said that I just wanna highlight, I've never thought about the beauty of this line. Like I can trust instead of teach. Maybe I lean into trusting. And I really mean this, I can't wait to hear kind of what comes from that.

I feel like it'll be some really good and important things. Yeah, me too. Well, thank you for like sharing so much and important things. Yeah, me too. Well, thank you for sharing so much and being here. Of course, and thank him for letting me tell his story. Yes. Yes. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question,

go to goodinside.com backslashpodcast. You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share good inside membership. The first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents.

It's totally game-changing. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Nat and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Eric Kabelsky, Mary Panakova, Ashley Valenzuela, and the rest of the good inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.