Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Missing Life Before Kids

Episode Date: July 5, 2022

If you ever miss your life before parenthood, you’re not alone. And you’re not a bad parent. We gain so much when we have children and, at the same time, there’s also a lot of loss. Friendships change. Spontaneous plans are replaced by a million logistics. Just trying to drink your coffee while it’s hot becomes a challenge! This week, Dr. Becky hears from three parents who feel out of touch with things they loved about their pre-child selves and lives. She deshames their experiences and shares practical strategies rooted in a core Good Inside principle: Seeing the person under the parenting. From befriending guilt to exploring what lights you up inside, this episode will empower you to show up as the parent you want to be—by tapping into the person you want to be. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

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Melissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we

remain good inside. I'm so glad you're here for this really important episode. This episode is really important because I think it really shows how good inside is not only an idea or a podcast or a platform for our parenting. One of the things I really think separates good inside is that we really focus on the person under the parenting. After all, to really show up as the parent we want to be, we have to tap into the person we want to be. And who we are is so much more than the roles we have. more than the roles we have. Who we are so much more than being a parent. Being a parent is a part of us. And that's exactly what this episode is about. It's about our relationship

with the non-parent parts of us. And I think you'll hear from our callers so much of yourself, so many of us when we become a parent, we forget or we just lose access to the parts of us that were really important before becoming a parent and guess what? Those parts still matter in our key to both feeling more fulfilled and staying more grounded in tricky times. So with all that in mind, let's jump in. Moira and I live in Virginia. I have two little boys, Julian, his three and Ronan, his one. And I was just reflecting on my pre-child life, life before kids. And it's funny, I was just talking to a friend last week and this friend I've only known since having kids. And you know, we were taking a walk with our boys and she said, you know, you realize I don't know you before kids.

And I was like, yeah, that's kind of weird because I feel like I'm almost a different, not a different person, but I just have so many things about me that are kind of put on the back burner. And one of those things that I realized is just being able to be fully present with people, I used to really pride myself on connections and really listening to people and being able to have a great conversation and have fun and be silly with my friends and family. And now I just feel like I'm constantly okay, where's this one, where's this one, did I pack diapers, did I do this?

Oh my gosh, if I don't get home, I'm gonna have to do this. And like, just my brain is like constantly, constantly going. So I missed the ability to really be present. And the other thing is like, I used to be just like punctual and on time and thoughtful. And like, I just feel like those parts of myself, again, on the back burner, because being able to like have the the time to figure out, oh, I hope this gift that I want to send or sending a card to a friend who's having a tough time. Old me, pre-kid me, would have done that for every situation. And like, mommy, it's, you know, if it happens, I'm proud of myself, if it doesn't. I'm like, well, that's my new life. So anyways, all I'd say I do miss the pre-child and pre-kiddle me, but I am proud of, you know, trying to balance everything and I'm proud of my two amazing boys.

So there's something. Thank you. Hi, Moira. First of all, thank you for calling in with this really important voice mail. And the thing I'm most struck by is just how amazing you are and how much your message resonates with me, and I know resonates with the other listeners. That conversation with your friend sounds really important. Your recognition that there are parts of you that are not captured in motherhood. The trust between you and a friend to kind of go there. Your reflection that you did allowed with all of us, it just all matters. And really, thank you for sharing all of this with us. I wonder if we can start

out together. You and I, Moira, but also every single person listening. Yes, you, you. I'm talking about all of us. Just to take a moment and recognize something more that you said, but I think a lot of us miss, or at least forget, there are so many parts of us, being a mother, being a father, being a caregiver, this is likely a really important part of you. And there are other parts as well. And let's name that together and even talk to that. I'll lead us together in this exercise. Say hi to your parent part and then let's say hi to

those other parts that don't get as much air time. Hi caregiving part, you're so important, you're such a big part of me, and you're so close to the surface right now, you kind of lead often. And high other parts in there who are a bit more dormant, who don't get as much attention. You matter too. And I know you are also so real. If this brings up tears in you, you're thinking, wow, why does that feel so uncomfortable? It's because we're probably tapping into something really important. Next, Mora, you mentioned struggling to be fully present.

I totally understand this. I live this as well. And yet also there's a bit of an irony. Being fully present means recognizing what's happening for us in any given moment. And actually, recognizing our distraction is a form of being fully present. So let's do this, right? Even right now. Recognize something that's distracting you. Maybe it's, oh, I forgot to get the food I wanted to get for dinner. I didn't make my bed this morning. Oh, I hope I signed that permission slip for my child's school and then say, okay, I'm recognizing that thought.

Maybe I have to take care of that thought and turn it into action right now. Maybe I don't. I'm recognizing all of the thoughts that are filling my brain. This is the way we're fully present, often as a parent, by being aware of all that, because when we become aware of it, we might parent, by being aware of all that, because when we become aware of it, we might be able to then say, oh yes, I do need to do the laundry and I can enjoy this moment walking with my friend. Hi, laundry thought.

I'll get to you later. Right now, I'm going to engage in this conversation. The next part, not being as thoughtful. I've actually said these exact words to my husband recently. I said I feel like I used to be such a better friend to my friends than I am now. Now it's thoughts about my kids and thoughts about taking care of the house and thoughts about you and thoughts about work and... The other day I even forgot to wish my really good, a happy birthday. I try to ground myself in a two things are true here. I forgot my friend's birthday, and I feel awful because that's not in line

with my values, and I'm still a good person. I'm a good person who forgot her friend's birthday. That allows me to do something really important, and honestly more it's the thing I try to hold myself to in all my relationships. Not to get it right all the time, to repair, and to really own the times when I've struggled. Right? So this might look like saying to my kids, I'm sorry, I yelled. And in this case, it might look like saying to my friend, I can't believe I forgot your birthday. I love you. You matter to me.

And I'm really sorry. And I understand if that was hurtful. I would love to, whatever it is, I'd love to take you out. I'd love to meet for a coffee. I'd love to celebrate a day late. And that repair, I think, becomes a really important part of our parental life when we realize there are too many things for us to do. There are things that slip our mind and we're still a good person. And we realize there are too many things for us to do. There are things that slip our mind and we're still a good person and we can end the story differently through repair. Let's hear from our next caller, Beth. Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Beth and I have a four month old son and I miss a lot of my

life before the pandemic but also a lot of my life before having a baby specifically hanging out with friends. I feel like since I've become a mom, not a lot of my friends have kids and I feel like I'm having to completely start a new social life and that feels a little overwhelming when You kind of just want the people you know and trust to be around you But the people that I know and trust and love are doing things that aren't Kids centered, you know like going out to restaurants and going out to drink late at night and kids centered, you know, like going out to restaurants and going out to drink late at night and going to concerts and things that just cost so much money to do now and have required so much scheduling and it just feels like I can't be

around the people I love anymore. So how would you navigate that without feeling like you have to completely change even more of your life by getting more friends who also have children, which I know I should do, but it's hard. Any advice would be great. Thanks so much. Hi Beth. First of all, you have a four-month-old.

And I mean this, that makes you a warrior. Babies are tough. I know I've spoken about this on other episodes. Some of you know how hard it was for me in the first months with my own kids. What are you doing every day? You're hanging out with your baby. Okay, so there's hanging out.

What are you doing? You're doing everything yourself. You're getting minimal feedback. You're dealing with tears. You're changing diapers. And you're often feeling very isolated and un-stimulated. Yeah. You're saying that's not a dream for me, either. It is so hard. And at the same time, it's so taxing and overwhelming that we don't have time to go see a friend, right? We don't have time to do something fun for ourselves, right? It's such a different day to day life than before we had kids and before the pandemic as well. What do we do?

First, I think we acknowledge what's happening, especially if you're the first one in your friend group to have kids, then your life starts to look very different than what it did before. And from the life your friends are still currently leading. They're not changing diapers. They're not waking up in the middle of the night. They're probably going to bed when you're in the middle of a feeding.

And then they're probably thinking, what TV show do I wanna watch today? Instead of, oh, my baby's crying, what's going on with them? Complete 180. My favorite tool to really acknowledge what's going on is something I call AVP, or acknowledge, validate permit. I love a good acronym.

It really helps me understand things. And so AVP is one of my go-to strategies. I'll go over how to do it. First, we acknowledge, then we validate, then we permit. Acknowledge is the process of noticing. So it might sound like I'm noticing, I'm really missing my pre-child life. I'm noticing I really miss the social life that was built into my pre-child life. I'm noticing I really miss the social life that was built into my pre-child life. Validate. That's telling yourself the story of why you're feeling the one that you just acknowledge makes sense. There's something about telling our body that it's feeling makes sense. I swear, it's like what our body needs to hear. It's like the logical part of our brain that makes sense of things is

understanding the more emotional side of our body. It brings a kind of harmony. So it might sound like this. Well, I am someone who derives a lot of belonging and purpose from hanging out with my friends that I'm not seeing them. So that makes sense that I'd be feeling so sad that I'd be feeling a sense of loss. Permit. This is the easiest one because it always involves telling yourself, I give myself full

permission to be feeling the exact way I do. Acknowledge, name what's happening, validate, tell yourself why that experience makes sense, permit, give yourself permission to be having that feeling. Now, I know in part this is frustrating. I hear myself saying it. I say, okay, but what about the French apart? Like, what do I just make the new friends? Or what do I do with my old friends? Sometimes those things are just tricky, right?

I'm sure you're gonna do what all of us did, right? We try to prioritize seeing our friends. We hopefully ask them to come to us given our life. Maybe is complicated by having a baby. We do make those uncomfortable steps of saying to that other parent in the park, hey, you have a new kid. I have a new kid. You want to grab coffee and you know, walk around our strollers one day. We do those things. I know you're going to do those things. What really makes the difference in our mental health is not so much what we're doing all the time, but also just how we're talking to the feelings that won't necessarily go away because we're either layering on blame and shame around those feelings and rejection

of those feelings, which just makes them need to speak up more loudly to get our attention. Or we're layering on an AVP which is kind of like giving your feeling hug which always lightens the feeling up a little bit. I always think of it as kind of simmering it down. One more tool I want to go over. Two things are true. Two things are true is always the answer for me. Not answer making everything better but answer making something impossible feel merely difficult, which sometimes is the best we can do. So a two things are true that comes to mind for you is two things are true. I don't want to change my whole social life, and I can make one small step to add to my

social life. Whenever I come up with the two things are true, movement feels a little bit more possible, right? It doesn't feel like I have to replace one thing with another, it doesn't feel like I have to come up with a whole new system, I can validate what I have, and then remind myself that doesn't preclude me from also making a small change.

Hey, quick thing. If you follow me on Instagram or if you're a part of the good inside membership, you probably know I've written a book. And I'm so excited to say that you no longer have to pre-order it. You can order it because it's available right now. You might have guessed the title is Good Inside, a guide to becoming the parent you want to be. And let me be clear, it's not a book or perfect parenting. It is a book that will help parents like you feel empowered, confident, and sturdy.

Visit goodinside.com slash book to order your copy today. Now let's get back to the episode. So, AVP, then find the two things are true, and I think some of the other things we talk about today will also be really helpful. And now, let's hear from our final caller, Renanee. Hello, my name is Rennanee and I'm from Philadelphia. I have an eight year old, a six year old, and a two year old. For me two things are true. I wouldn't exchange my kids, my husband, or my marriage for the world. And I also missed some of those things I lost with marriage and kids. I now have a more meaningful life, a life that has a purpose, and that I really enjoy living. And I'm also missing parts of me that I used to enjoy before.

Mainly, the more independent. The freedom to do things without running into major logistical hurdles or feeling guilty that I'm leaving my kids with less familiar and less competent caregivers. My energy and my time is also fully directed out by the need to my husbands, my kids or my community. That very little energy is left to direct towards me. I used to have creative hobbies like wire wrapping jewelry and painting, hiking, challenging terrain, exploring music. Two things are true. I have found purpose. I have discovered abilities I never knew I had and I've lost independence and even the energy to

go looking for it. One thing I've been wondering as I thought more deeply into this, in my current imperfectly perfect life, does it really pay to dwell on the past? Or should I just focus on the present and future and leave my pre-child self behind? Wow, Renany, I really mean this. You are asking all the questions. You're putting it all out there. I have I have so much and I've lost so much. What do I do? Do I just look forward or is it valuable to look back? I really mean this. These are really important questions and the fact that you're willing to be so honest and ask them.

I think is really helpful to all of us as we think about our life today, our life in the past, and just trying to reconcile them. I love that you have so many two things are truths in what you've shared. And Beth, just like we talked about, that two things are true, really does help us see kind of multiple sides to the same story. You wouldn't trade your life now for anything and you miss things about your life before kids, right? And many of us say, too, I miss things

about my life before marriage, too, right? And I think that really speaks to the parts of you that are important, that aren't getting enough airtime, right? You name them. Independence. The freedom to do things without running into logistical hurdles. Ugh, I totally resonate with all of that. The energy you direct toward others, the energy you want to direct toward yourself. And this really, Renany,

brings me into contact with something I spend so much my day thinking about. What lights you up inside? What lights you up inside? When I think about everything, honestly, I've done with good inside, right? Starting an Instagram account, writing a book, engaging with so many parents, starting a whole company, putting out this parenting platform. I hesitate to call it work. Truly it's an extension of what lights me up inside. This gives me a sense of my, I mean, this purpose, vitality, energy, it lights me up inside, and I am so passionate about it.

It gives me so much to operate in this space. And I feel like that has been so huge in my own mental health and my own kind of, I really mean this growth. And how does that relate to what we're talking about? I feel like through this process, I've realized that every single adult needs to have time in their day or in their week where they are doing something that lights them up inside. And here's the thing about parenthood. parenthood, it doesn't involve so much pouring out, taking care of other people, right? And that, of course, is so important to our identity. And I haven't really met that many people that say the act of taking care of my kids is what lights me up inside.

It feels important. It matters, but that lit up in live-in-ing, I feel like me. I feel powerful. I feel like, wow, as Yvradsky says about this space, I can't believe I just did that. I can't believe that just happened. I can't believe that just came out of me, right? parenthood is such an ongoing journey that it rarely is the thing that gives us that feeling. So what does that mean? Well, Yvradsky and I talk about this all the time, that having that space for ourselves, I call it the space of doing something that lights you up inside.

She would call it unicorn space. It is critical for all of us, especially if we want to keep pouring ourselves out to others. It's not a luxury. It's something we have to think about as a priority. It's not selfish. It kind of is self-establishing. Like it reminds us of our self,

that we have a self, that we have this individual identity. So what can we do? Right, that's what I always go to. Okay, cool. Dr. Racky, what do I do? Well, I think thinking about it as a priority changes things.

Like it is a priority for me to have time where things. Like, it is a priority for me to have time where I feel independent. It is a priority for me to have some amount of time where I feel the freedom to do something without the logistical hurdles of parenthood. Now, look, this definitely involves us befriending our guilt because you might carve out an hour and think,

oh, but I wish my kids weren't crying when I left. I wonder if my kids need me. We have to be able to say, hi, guilt, but I wish my kids weren't crying when I left. I wonder if my kids need me. We have to be able to say, hi, guilt. You're coming along to my space of lighting up inside, right? It might be a kind of not so ideal, but kind of with us passenger, but we have to carve out that time. What does that mean? It might mean speaking up to a partner if you have one. It might mean saying, Hey, I need this amount of time on a Saturday to and then phone the blank to be in the house alone so I can draw. So I can go to a Tai Chi class, right? Whatever it is. And it probably takes experimenting to figure out what lights you up inside.

It's okay. Right now, if you're thinking, I don't know what lights me up inside. I don't know. I don't know. There's the panic. Let's say, high to the panic and take a deep breath and say, that's okay. We all have something that lights us up inside. Most of us have kind of covered it up with layers of all the things we have to do, all the

things we have to accomplish, all the people we have to take care of, and it just temporarily is blocking access. I know every single one of you has something that puts you back in touch with that really, life giving force. And I think it's important to really be able to keep taking care of other people, to get back in touch with that, and to tell yourself, this matters. That feeling in me matters. And I'll know when I start to feel it. One last thing, Renany, does it pay to dwell on the past?

What a powerful question. Here's my answer to that. And often what I say to therapy clients is say, I don't want to talk about my past, right? There's a lot of therapies. They just focus on your present. Can I just do that with you? And I say, look, I'm a realist. The reason it's important to talk about your past is because your past lives on in your present. The way you react to your kids when they have a tantrum, you think we can solve that by just focusing on your thoughts? No, you just watch your childhood play out with your kids. The way you're triggered, the way you have a hard time asking for your needs to be met,

the way you have a hard time tolerating when someone is inconvenienced by your request. That's not something that's just happening now. That's our past speaking to us. And so I think I just framed this differently. How is my past living on in my present? How are my thoughts and dreams and anxieties and triggers and feelings? How are they trying to tell me various stories

that I need to listen to? Because then when we better understand those stories, we can be more present because our past isn't screaming out to us in this way. Thank you, Mora, Beth, and Renany for calling in and helping me co-create this really important episode. Let's tie it all together with three takeaways. One, two things are true. You can enjoy being a parent and you can miss parts of your pre-parent life. Something else I say to myself often around kind of two things are true's sentence structure is I miss parts of my life from before I was a parent. And that doesn't mean anything about the type of person I am.

So often we get into a spiral. We equate having certain thoughts or feelings with being a bad person and reminding yourself, I'm a good person with those thoughts is really, really grounding. 2. Acknowledge, validate, permit, or in my language, AVP. Try this strategy today. How cool would that be if all of us did this on the same day? Tens of thousands, I'd be hundreds of thousands of people acknowledging and validating and

permitting their thoughts and feelings. I have a feeling we would feel the impact of that if we all tried that coping strategy at the same time. Three, what lights you up inside? That's a question I would love for you to think about, or maybe it's not so much to think about, but explore. Right? Oh, is dancing in the shower? Something that lights me up inside it might be. Huh. Is taking a walk, or going on a tough hike? Is that something that lights me up inside? Don't feel the pressure to answer that question as much as explore that process. And I can't wait to hear what you come up with. Thanks for listening to Good Inside.

I love co-creating episodes with you based on the real life tricky situations in your family. To share what's happening in your home, you can call 646-598-2543 or email a voice note to goodinsidepodcast at gmail.com. There are so many more strategies and tips I want to share with you and so many good inside parents I want you to meet. I'm beyond excited that we now have a way to connect and learn together. Head to goodinside.com to learn more about good inside membership. I promise you, it's totally game-changing. And follow me on Instagram and Facebook

at Dr. Becky at Good Inside for a daily dose of parenting and self-care ideas. Good inside with Dr. Becky at Good Inside for a daily dose of parenting and self-care ideas. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Beth Roe and Marie Cecil Anderson, an executive produced by Erica Belzky and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review it. Or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside. I remain good inside.