Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Navigating How I Show Up in This Family

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

Becoming a parent can feel like a dance. Especially when you're a step-parent. A dance of closeness, then of distance, of bonding with a kid only to be rebuffed later. In this episode, Dr. Becky sits down with a man trying to figure out how to be a supportive and stable figure to his girlfriend’s daughter without overstepping and crossing boundaries. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3GsdRtAFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by Ritual: Parents are busy. And even though we know we should prioritize ourselves, sometimes we’re the last thing on our list. Dr. Becky loves anything that makes caring for her family – and herself – easier… including a multivitamin she can trust. Enter Ritual and their “Essential For Women” multivitamin. It fills your nutrient gap with 9 key nutrients — like vitamin D and omega-3s — in just two daily pills. And Ritual delivers to your doorstep every month. It’s clinically backed and has clean, high-quality ingredients. Ritual is transparent – what’s on the label is what’s in it. And you know where everything came from. You can get started with 40% off your first month. Just visit Ritual.com/GoodInside and your 40% discount will automatically be applied to your order. Today’s episode is brought to you by KiwiCo: Not much matters more than helping our kids develop confidence. Confidence comes from watching yourself work hard, tap into your creativity, and do things you may not always do. KiwiCo is like a conduit to confidence. Each month, kids get a box delivered right to them with a hands-on project designed to spark creativity and engage problem-solving… but kids don’t know this is what’s happening, they just see it as a form of play! The projects cater to all types of kids: kids who like science, sensory play, games, or geography. KiwiCo is a win for kid fun and a win for long-term confidence. And now, you can get your first month free on ANY crate line at kiwico.com/drbecky.

I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm Ethan. I just celebrated one year with an amazing woman who has an incredible five-year-old and kind of overjoyed at the bond I'm building with them both. I've come into their lives in motion. And there's a lot of unknown unknowns that I am slowly unpacking. And so I'm just trying to like

be the best partner I can be, be the best loving adult figure I can be while also making sure that my needs are met. You know, I'm just gonna get my honest reaction right away. I've always been someone who's drawn to questions and not answers. And to me, the best it gets in life is like feeling like you're asking yourself good questions

that usually are unanswerable, but they kind of like the question leads you down as her in path. I just wanted to say from the start, even like I've never even heard someone articulate like the questions of life like you just did. And I really mean that. And I actually imagine,

and for some reason I'm thinking about this, I just want to name it. I actually imagine there's people listening right now, thinking, I wish my partner who I have biological children would be asking those questions, how can I show up in a way and be a good partner and be a really intentional loving adult to our kid, and how can I also do that while taking care of myself

and being the best version of myself. So I almost just want to like honor if that is feeling almost like triggering. Just notice that, notice that, say hi to it. And we're gonna come back to you, Ethan. And I don't know if you are someone who tends to pause and give yourself credit for like the way you show up and the way you ask questions,

but like I think this calls for it because you're asking like all the important stuff. We'll be right back. We're busy parents. And even though we know we should prioritize ourselves, sometimes we're the last thing on our list. I get it. I love anything that makes caring for my family and myself easier,

including a multivitamin I can trust. Enter ritual. They're essential for women vitamin? Amazing. I'm filling my nutrient gap with 9 key nutrients like vitamin D and omega-3s and just 2 daily pills. And Ritual delivers to my doorstep every month. So easy. I also trust it. Not just because it's clinically backed, but because it has clean, high quality ingredients. Ritual is transparent. What's on the label is what's in it.

And you know where everything came from. We deserve this. You deserve this. And you can get started with 40% off your first month. Just visit ritual.com slash good inside and your 40% discount will automatically be applied to your order. Even that part is easy. Is Santa real?

Who brings all these presents? Why does Santa bring my friends so many more presents than Santa brings me? Hey, do you believe in Santa? Here's something I know about all of us. We don't want to lie to our kids. And we want our kid to be in on fun and magic. So how do we talk to our kids about Santa or other things in this category like the tooth fairy?

I break this all down down to the exact words to share in my Crash Course is Santa Real, how to talk to your child about Santa. It's now available with Good Insight membership. Head to goodinsight.com to learn more and to take advantage of our 30-day money back guarantee. two parts of me. I have this part of me that has like really big thoughts that like bring me off the ground almost to the clouds and I have another part of me that's always stronger that like brings me back to the ground with very, very practical things. So I just want to yeah, the more philosophical parts it's like isn't isn't that the beauty of a struggle in our struggles we find questions.

In our struggles like why am I doing this? What's going on for me? What is really hard for me? You actually articulated the power of struggling so well. I'm not going to let myself go there for too long. I have a feeling people are like, okay, I can just like get to the like, I know the vital advice here. So I and I do too. So we're going to go there. So, okay. So you are a newer adult to this five-year-old child. It is very clear to everyone on the earth that you want to show up in a way that's in line with these lovely intentions, also kind of noting your own needs, also known to your partner, all of that. Okay. Bring me into a situation where some of this seems in conflict or like a specific situation, which is like, oh, how do I exactly manage this new role? Let's get specific. Yeah. I think a really good recurring

I think a really good recurring situation is, so first of all, my partner splits custody 50-50. So already her time with her daughter is profoundly precious, like it's half of what it, you know, should or could be. And that already has an element of like, weight to it. And so when I'm in the picture when I'm around, like, especially in the beginning, I was very conscientious of and her daughter like helped me become more aware

of the fact that I was changing the sort of dynamic from, you know from me and mommy time to like a three of us time. And that came with some struggles. And there were there was a lot of like hot and cold. Like why are you here? Get out of the house. I just want my mom like like that. You know never like articulated that specifically specifically but in terms of like the performance of her emotions absolutely and like completely understandably and something that my my partners helped me realize too is I have been going through a version of that as well because as we started dating we weren't spending time with her daughter right away.

And then as we realized, oh, this is gonna be real, this has legs, this has a future, it looks like start spending time together altogether. And of course her daughter is a huge part of her life. But then my time with her also was getting, yes. And that was really hard for me to admit. So, yeah, it's such a parallel process where like if I'm in your shoes, Ethan, like I come

into the house in a little bit, forget what my, what the five of you all says, I'm going to say like, Hey, get out of the house. Like what are you doing here? A little bit, right? Like we're about to have a fun night of adult time things, you know? And like now we're going to play Play-Doh. Like it's a little different. Yeah, it's, it's, it's dramatically different. So like, I would say like, especially as time

has gone on, like, we have so much fun together. There's definitely a squeaky wheel, needing oil thing that can happen here, because we have so much fun. And when it's easy, it feels natural. And like, I don't need advice when it's easy. You know, it's like, Hey, Dr. Becky, sometimes it's hard and this, some of the squeaky-ness, meet some oil. So it's, yeah, it's in these moments definitely where her daughter feels like her, she's not getting full attention. And that just, I often notice it around transitions, like picking her up from school together on a day where there's a custody change.

I've noticed that's a big one where like emotions run really big. And so just trying to figure out like where, you know, where I, how can I show up in a way where I'm also not being like, oh God, I'm not wanted here. Yes. Of course, making sure that she's okay. They're both okay.

Yeah. The first thing that comes to mind, actually, I want to articulate something that you just did with your body that no one else can see because they're listening. But to me, I just saw wiggling a little bit like, do I pick her up? Do I not pick her up? I think the best it gets is like the motion of a dance. And I think that's really important as a starting framework. Like it is going to be a dance of closeness, of distance, of that felt good.

That no longer feels good. Ooh, this closeness feels, oh, that's too much. Okay, back, back, back. Oh, okay, that doesn't feel good to me. I feel like I'm a little like not part of anything when I'm here. Okay, I'm going to move forward because I also can do that sometimes based on my own needs. Okay, that's not exactly it. The daughter loves so much of, you know, the time with you. And then another point, I go, wow, that no longer feels good. And I think when we have that dance, like we can see it from the outside in two very different ways. And one way is like nothing, nothing lasts, nothing works.

This is impossible. Another way to look at that, would I think beat it, look at it from a bird's-eye view of someone on a dance floor? We're like, that person's just in motion. And like right now they're on that part of the dance floor and then they move to another part of the dance floor. And it's not really that nothing works. It's more than nothing is static and final.

Does that, does that resonate? Oh, 100%, 100%. Like moving away from essence into process is very much how I think, yeah. Yeah, and so I think as a starting point, just to say, like, there's no, there's not, there's no right answer because actually being in a relationship with anyone is like a constant evolution. And so I'm going to give myself permission to dance around. So let's, let's get concrete about this. I'm making this up, but if it feels close enough to reality,

go with it. If you're like, this is so not reality, please stop me because I can just go off things I make up in my head. So she's like, I don't want Ethan to pick me up on Wednesdays, or maybe she doesn't say that, but it's just like a massive meltdown. Let's say something like that's happening. I can see for you, there's a lot of, there's a lot of feelings that come up. Like, and I think sometimes something big

and come up like, do I have a place in this family? I think it's like, is it always going to be like this? Like Wednesdays or just a day that I'm going to be kind of left out because on Wednesdays you go to soccer and then you go to school at dinner. So I don't come to pick you up. I'm kind of out of the picture on a Wednesday, right? And I think we can have so many things happening.

I think like where I would start is actually just with the mindset of okay, whatever we do on Wednesdays this week or this month, not only isn't predictive of Wednesdays in three years, it's not even really predictive of Wednesdays in like six, eight weeks. I think that perspective matters so much because very often we do what I call the FFE, the Fast Forward error. And you can tell me if you're prone to this, is where we use a moment in front of us that's hard

and our brain fast forwards, like I don't know, you know, we're like, wow, she's graduating high school on a Wednesday and I'm just not gonna be there because I can't hang out on Wednesdays and it sounds ridiculous when we're like, wow, she's graduating high school on a Wednesday. And I'm just not going to be there because I can't hang out on Wednesdays. And it sounds ridiculous when we say it, but we really do kind of fill in our life in that way. And then what happens is we feel such panic in changing the intervention today because we don't want it to be that way 18 years or now. And when we can just recognize, oh, I'm doing the fast forwarder. And when we can just recognize, oh, I'm doing the fast forwarder.

Like I'm, right, then we actually are grounded back in, like, oh, wait, it's 2023. Like that's where we are. And then we can lead with a little bit more trust, like in the dance, rather than in kind of the finality of a moment. Tell me, maybe think about that. I mean, it's 100% what I needed to hear.

Because the moments feel like so weighted. And I definitely struggle with precisely that. With one sort of, I think my capacity to dance is hindered by kind of a holding sort of emotional tension precisely because I don't want to drop my dance partners. And that, and like very literally inhibits my ability to move, to go with the flow and to also, as you just pointed out, like, to recognize that like, today is not forever.

Yeah. And that is hard. I definitely, that definitely resonates with me. Yeah. I always make sure like, today is not predictive. You know, in a way, today is not predictive of all the future moments, right? And the nuance I want to add to that, you then, is today is and it isn't predictive. But I think the way we think it's predictive is the opposite of how it is, not going to pick her up at school. That's what we lock

into. And then we fast forward how that's predictive. Well, I'm never going to pick her up from school. And no matter what happens on Wednesday, I'm never going to go to soccer. And I'm always going to be left out. We kind of predict similarity on the surface. But if I say what is predictive, okay, and what I find very, very comforting is, wait, okay, so what's really happening here? Right now, she's voicing something that feels really important to her. Right now, she's trying to figure out how much time she has with me and how much time she has with her mom and how the transitions go and how much time we have together and she's just trying to figure that out and so are we. And the truth is that part is predictive. Okay, so 10 years from now,

we will probably still, to some degree, be navigating exactly what role everyone takes. And if you trust, which I can tell you do, just from how you talk about both of these people in your life, like if you trust them and you trust, in some ways, they're inherent goodness and there seems like there's a lot of love, then I think trusting that that process will stay the same. You'll always be kind of negotiating this.

And my bet is what it actually ends up looking like on the surface changes dramatically. Does that difference make sense? Yeah. Because it makes me think like in another way, people are like, my kid is the only kid who's not joining soccer class. They're never going to be someone who joins the group. That's predicting kind of on the surface things

staying the same. But underneath, we're saying, my kid is checking in about whether she's ready. My kid does things when she's comfortable. Like that might look different 10 years from now, but I would hope that stays consistent for my kid 10 years from now. So we're approaching the holidays? And if you're like me, you're soon going to be thinking, what do I get my kids?

And what do I tell other family members to get them? Gift giving is one more thing on parents' overwhelming holiday to do list. Well, I have a little reframe here. I want to give you permission to let go of some of your tasks and make room for fun. This can actually be a really hard part of parenting, but every single time I push myself to lead with lightness and join my kids in play, something good happens. And KiwiCo can help with this too, because it's truly the gift that keeps on giving. Why? KiwiCo will send your kid a fun project every month, perfect for cold weekend days when you're not sure how to pass the time. Plus KiwiCo will send your kid a fun project every month, perfect for cold weekend days

when you're not sure how to pass the time. Plus KiwiCo crates are designed to build lifelong skills through fun hands-on projects. So as your kid is creating, they're also building resilience, confidence, and self-trust. Unwrap hands-on fun with KiwiCo. Get your first month free on any crate line at KiwiCo.com slash Dr. Becky. That's your first month free at kiwico.com slash drbcky. Yeah, this is really helpful. It's sort of like maybe the way I'm kind of seeing it, I like the idea of the surface, like the way I'm seeing is like, ah, okay, what underlying kind of, what is the ocean doing, not just the way it's on the surface?

Yes, exactly. And the ocean is doing what it's supposed to be doing. Like, honestly, even when kids have married parents or partners who live together, that is a negotiation. So, as I went to add to just come to my basketball, so, as I want both of you to go to my basketball, I want to dinner with, you know, both of you and neither of my siblings. I want to dinner just with mom.

Like, kids have so many needs. And so, they're always trying to figure that out. And right now, especially in this family dynamic, yes, it's complicated to say, yes, I'm leaving my dad's house, I'm being transitioned to my mom's house. I kind of need to fill up with mom to like feel safe again. Right? I always think that's the essence of healthy attachment. We have a secure base I think that's the essence of healthy attachment. We have a secure base from which we can explore. And the best of all worlds are secure base is our adult.

And the reason it feels so good to be close to that adult is actually because it gives us the bravery to say, oh, wait, I can try new things. I can attach to new people in part because I feel very secure looking behind me and saying, you are there. And one of the things she really needs to figure out is in this transition, like, are you part of that base right away?

Does it feel a little bit like you're a threat to that base? Right? And right now, over time, right? I think it'll change, but right now, I think what she's saying is, I need to kind of feel secure with the base of my mom so I can have fun with you. So I can attach to you. In some ways, I feel like she's saying, I don't want you there on Wednesday when I'm picked up. I want that just to be my mom because

that actually is going to be better for our relationship. Yeah. Yeah, I thought it's so resonant. Yeah. And Ethan, I just want to say nobody likes one kid. Basically, like, I don't want you there. I don't want to be with you. There's nothing more painful. It's like, I want dad to read me a book. That does happen to me last night. And I was like, well, wait, I came home from work early so I could be present and read this book with you that we've been reading together and you're kicking me out of crew? Like, who are you? Like, you know, it's so, so normal to feel there's rejection,

there's like a little bit of like anger, there's a little bit like, hey, is anybody seeing this? You know, like, how is this happening? And that is going back to what you said in the beginning, which I think is so poignant. There's their needs. And there's your needs that I think it's important to give yourself space to say, yes, I'm doing this dance. And it's a dance I believe in. And yeah, there are moments of the dance where the dance itself benefits, but me, for me in that moment, it's hard.

It's really hard and probably unenjoyful. Is that okay to say? Yeah, I appreciate that. It feels hard to say, Cause I think one of the things that I'm finding challenging in that arena is how to articulate to my partner that there are struggles and things that are hard and even like questions that come up,

but that those struggles, challenges, and questions aren't destabilizing my intent to be involved, my commitment, you know, and that that is that's hard. And I completely empathize with my partner, you know, hearing that from from me and being like, this is hard to hear. Because it's, you know, they are question marks. Yeah. Well, one, one tool I want to give you there, I'm going to sound like a broken record,

but two things are true is really one of my favorite phrases. And I have had periods where I say it out loud and I'll explain what I mean all the time. And it's like gone to the point where people in my family are like, if you say that one more time, I'm gonna freak out, stop saying those words. So instead of saying that, wow, I just kind of say it to myself.

But really the idea behind this is when we really get into conflict with someone where things explode, it's almost always because we're not holding two truths that once. We're stuck in one. And there's something about when you talk to your partner, maybe about, hey, yeah, it kind of stinks for me, that doesn't want me there on Wednesdays. two truths that once were stuck in one. And there's something about when you talk to your partner and maybe about, hey, yeah, it kind of stinks from me.

That doesn't want me there on Wednesdays. Like, your partner, and it's easy for most people. We hear that. And what we actually translate it to is Ethan doesn't really know if he wants to be in this partnership. Like, Ethan doesn't really know if he can handle this.

Like, Ethan needs me to make that better so that things feel more pleasant. I actually knowing you for like 20 minutes, like I actually really don't think that's what you're saying. And then also what's missed when we interpret someone that way is now of a sudden, almost like, you have to like, no, I didn't mean that. And obviously, you're like, wait, I think I was upset.

And now I'm suddenly caregiving for her feelings. Like, I don't know how that happened. Like, exactly. And the idea of two things are true is really a good starting point. And the way I would start that is even say to someone, like, hey, you know what's interesting? Maybe sounds obvious to you,

but we can really have two very different things that are equally true at the same time. One is not more true, one is not more important. They're equally true. And two things that are true for me right now, and I'm going to speak as you eat them, even though obviously amended to be true for you. Two things that are true for me right now is, you know, I love you or I care so deeply about you, or I feel like so good about where we're at and our relationship and even

our future. And I would actually keep my hand out to show that person, like this is true. And then I'd put my other hand like very apart. And almost like visually show someone, we're not negating, right? And what's also true is sometimes it's just tricky for me to manage all the different things that come up with, you know, whatever her name is. And just before we go any further,

let me just say that again, because it really matters. Like I feel so good about our partnership. I feel so good even about your daughter and my growing relationship with her. And I see a future for us. And that all feels so good. And to do hear me, I didn't say but, there's no but. And it's tricky to kind of do this dance.

And then where I think you can go from there, and then I'm gonna give you a way to react to saying, and when I share that with you, I don't see the trickiness of managing these relationships as threatening the way I feel about our partnership. If anything, all I need from you is actually just to kind of hear me or try to understand or things like, yeah, that makes sense. Or, yeah, that would be hard for me to, like, there's no fix. And I don't need you to fix anything because the first thing still is true. That, like, we have a great relationship.

And just like in any relationship, there's moments that are hard. That's all. Tell me what you think about that. Yeah, that our work is done here. I don't know. Our work is done. I'll see you. Yeah, I mean, that's I wish I had heard you say that long ago. Because I think that I have so often accidentally stumbled into elbowing the foundation a little bit for my partner without even realizing it, because I did not prime things appropriately.

Well, and look, there's a two-way street here, and this is why I love couples work so much too, because in our interactions with our partners, what ends up happening is our kind of subjective words really do get interpreted through their histories and their traumas and their fears. So my guess is she's very fearful. Is this gonna be too much for you then? Is he gonna feel too rejected? Like is, you know, right? And so if that someone's fear, actually,

even if you say something in the best way, hey, that was hard when she said don't pick me up. Those words come in through someone's fear as confirmation and it enters their body as see, I was right, Ethan wants out of this relationship. Meanwhile, you literally didn't say that. This happens in couples therapy all the time. So I'm gonna be like, they didn't say that.

Right, but they heard that, right? And this inner play of how can we know each other's fears and triggers and histories? Because then you actually can a little bit get to know the way someone is likely to interpret what you're saying. And it's not your responsibility to change them. No, no, no, that's not what we do. But we do understand with a lot more nuance how to slow things down and interpret someone's

reactivity, which just helps us communicate more effectively. Yeah. And that's something that I wonder, like, could she hear that? Like, I wonder if you said to her, hey, you know, sometimes I wonder if one of the things that's hard about hearing me complain or voice kind of some struggles in this dynamic,

I wonder if, like, you ever worry that it's just going to be too much for me. And this is going to make me the thing that pulls the cord. Like, and I'm only asking you that because I feel like knowing that would be so helpful to me to try to communicate in ways to really assure you that I'm here. So we can make space for how I'm reacting. Do you think she could hear that from you? Absolutely. I actually, I think she's even articulated that to me. And what's really fascinating about that is that then made me reflect back on myself and ask myself, well, why am I communicating in a way that is sort of like, trying to create space for myself in a way that then doesn't feel safe for my partner. And like that then that sort of brought me down like, okay, well,

like what's my history around feeling like my needs are being met from, you know, my, yeah, my love lab, original love lab. Well, look, putting yourself in the equation matters. Like you and you started with that. And I actually love that about you, that you were saying, her daughter and her and you. Like, we all have feelings, right? And it's messy and some of that feels like, you know, there's not enough space for all of our feelings to be heard and met. But certainly, it seems so important in this dynamic for you to feel like it's okay to voice some messy

feelings. And I actually think you and your partner, this will be a like amazing project, say like, okay, so part of our project. And to me, knowing the projects we have with our partners is like the best against. Like I always say when my kids want to get married, I'm going to say something like very unromantic to them. I'm going to say, okay, think about your partner. Is this the particular set of problems

you wanna deal with the rest of your life? And I'm not saying that because your partner's bad because everyone has a set of problems. It's just about saying, is this the set I wanna deal with? And knowing the set of problems makes you way ahead of the game. And you kind of know it. Okay, so sometimes when I voice things are upsetting to me

within this family structure, it probably triggers you maybe to feel like, oh, he's going somewhere or try to talk me out of those feelings. And then I don't know her as well to figure out coming back. And do you have it to say, hey, the fact that we can articulate this early,

it's like, we know the landmines in our field. If there's everyone that's landmines, but knowing them, it puts you way ahead of the game. That's amazing. Yeah, I really like that. That's such a helpful framework. I want to thank you for sharing so much and for being really like so open and and reflective and receptive.

Like I can tell in their short conversation, like, oh my goodness, how lucky any family would be to, you know, have you join them. I really appreciate it. It's really been great to speak with you. It's been interesting being up someone who doesn't have biological kids, like getting to know your work and as my question when I reached out stated like us future step parents need more resources. 100%. So this has been great. Oh Oh thank you. Thank you. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com.

You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share good inside membership. The first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's totally game-changing. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi,

Julianette and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Eric Belsky, Mary Panico, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside.

I remain good inside.