Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Parenting Is Exhausting

Episode Date: September 28, 2021

If you ever feel like you're just counting down the minutes until your kid's bedtime, join the club. Nothing is wrong with you if you find parenting exhausting ... because it is exhausting! In this week's episode, Dr. Becky hears from three parents who feel emotionally, physically, and mentally depleted. She reminds each caller that they're not alone, and shares practical strategies to find your footing inside and outside of the moment. From scripts for talking to your kids about your big feelings to ideas on building up your "fun reservoir," you'll learn multiple ways to manage parental fatigue. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

You're listening to Good Inside with Dr. Becky. I have so many ideas, strategies, and scripts to share with you right after a word from our sponsor. Hey, Sabrina. Hey. So I've been thinking about toys recently. I don't want the toy to do that much of the work. I want the toy to inspire my kid to do the work.

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this crazy cool structure. My go-to's are Melissa and Doug too. I feel like we have this ice cream scooper thing that my kids use when they were two. And then they used again when they were developing better fine motor skills. And then for my kind of four year old, my seven year old still using it in imaginative play.

I really only like talking about items and brands that we actually use in our own home and Melissa and Doug. I just don't know if there's any other brand I feel so good about naming the way that their toys actually inspire creativity and open-ended screen-free child-led play. It's just unmatched. And like what's honestly so exciting is to be able to offer everyone listening to this podcast, 20% off.

Visit MelissaAndUg.com and use code Dr. Becky20DRBECKY20 for 20% off your order. Melissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. D-R-B-E-C-K-Y-20 for 20% off your order. Melissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. Hi, I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical, actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away. One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can

with the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle, and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. Today, we'll be talking about parental fatigue. We'll talk about the exhaustion of parenting in those moments where you just can't show up the way you know you want to. Before we jump in, let me assure you, parenting feels exhausting because parenting is exhausting. It's relentless, it's non-stop, we're often sleep deprived in the very moments we could

use in extra energy boost. Something to keep in mind. Every parent has different levels of support. And even parents who have a ton of support find parenting exhausting. So everyone, right now, give yourself some credit for all of those moments I know each and every one of you has pushed through. You've woken up to an alarm when you just wanted to snooze, you've played that board game when you wanted to take a nap. And if you're thinking, there are so many moments when I'm counting down the minutes until my kids bedtime.

Join the club. I'm pretty sure the members are me, you, and every single parent in the universe. Let's hear from our first caller, Brittany. Hi Dr. Becky, my name is Brittany. I live in Pittsburgh, North Carolina. I have three kids. They're seven, five, and almost one. My question is, what do we do in those moments where we're just too tired to be the 30-liter? What do we do when they're pushing and they need that sure voice that calm, sturdy presence? presence, but we're just too exhausted by the year of being at home by the work of

repairing, by our own jobs, our own challenges. What do we do in those moments? Where everything in us is like just given, and we know it's going to just make things worse, but we don't really have the reserves. So that's really my question. What do we do in those moments? Thank you for your help. Hi, Brittany. I just want to say that I connect so deeply to everything you said.

What happens when we are too tired to be that sturdy leader? And I know for so many of us, we're kind of working at this parenting thing, we've learned enough that sometimes we can see this pathway of, oh yeah, I kind of think that pathway is where I want to go. And yet we're stuck. We just can't. We're so tired. And there's something painful there that there's almost a blissful ignorance if you didn't see that option. And when you do, it feels extra awful to not be able to go down that path. Well, let me tell you, I cannot always go down that path, either. The other day, I was alone with my three kids, and they were all arguing, and it was just one of those awful chaotic moments, and I actually visualized this opportunity. I knew the learning

that could happen. I saw this emotion regulation skill I could build. I saw the resilience building moment that could happen. And you know what I did? I'm not joking. I said, everyone grab your iPad, go to separate rooms. We all need a break. And when I did that, I needed a break. I couldn't walk down that path.

I saw what I could have done. And I didn't. So me, you, Brittany, and I am sure hundreds of thousands of other parents are sometimes too tired. I think about what we can do in that moment and I think about what we can do in that moment, and I think about what we can do outside of the moment, and almost always the kind of work that leads to change. It happens outside of that moment. What do we do in that moment when we're too tired to be a sturdy leader? We give ourselves permission to do what we have to do and to get through that moment

in a way that feels as good as possible and without a doubt is less than ideal. What did I do? I gave those iPads. What does someone else do? They say, you know what? Grab some cereal. We're just doing cereal for dinner right now. What is someone else to? Okay, I guess we're not going to bed right now.

Stay up and I don't know. We'll come back in an hour and we'll figure out bedtime then. We all have those moments. No one puts them on Instagram. No one's bragging about them in group texts, but we all have those moments. We say, for, get it, I can't do this right now. That is okay.

The only thing that makes you is human. What we can do in that moment is say something kind to ourselves, which is the thing that prevents us from spiraling into that awful Abyss of I am a bad parent. So give yourself permission. I am giving myself permission to just survive this moment. Place your hand on your heart and tell yourself, parenting really is this hard. This is one of those I just have to get through it, moments. I don't particularly love the decision I made and I'm human and I'm doing the best I can and I am still a good parent who's on this really important, trying my best pathway.

Outside the moment, I can tell you for myself when I gave my kids that extra screen time. I had a little bit of space to ask myself, what do I need? Right then I needed to lay on my couch. And so I did. And in a little bit, I realized, my partner's been working later than usual.

He's been really busy at work, huh? I think I need my partner to come home earlier tomorrow. Or I know for me, my parents live locally. So I also thought, huh, I haven't asked them to help out at night. I think I might do that, given how depleted I feel. I also realized I need to go to bed earlier. I've been scrolling on my phone. I also realized I need to go to bed earlier. I've been scrolling on my phone,

I've been staying up at night, it means I go to bed late and I don't have good sleep because I think the way the screen impacts me just doesn't lead me to actually get any good rest. What else do I need? You know what? I'm not really gonna have a nice dinner

for anyone the next couple nights. I'm gonna order in pizza, I'm gonna do chicken nuggets. That's it, right? I really thought about what I needed. So I could show up with a little more reserve energy. So I would think about that for you, Brittany. When you have a moment, and I really mean that word moment,

because I know it feels like I don't ever have a moment. Parenting is exhausting, and then I'm folding folding laundry and then I'm passing out in bed. Find a moment, maybe it's one minute and ask yourself that question, what's something I need? Write down whatever comes to mind. Can I get any extra help? Can I take things off my list? Can I tell my kids tomorrow, I'm gonna make sure everyone is set up for 20 minutes of alone time. I wanna be honest with you, I need 20 minutes to do a short workout class

because that's important for me in my body to feel good. And then always, always, always reminds yourself. Nothing is wrong with me. I'm tired because parenting is tiring. And I'm hearing something else that you're doing reparenting work. You're working on yourself. You're parenting, you're reparenting, you're holding a family together. If it feels like you're running, you're competing in a triathlon, it's because you are in

the midst of a triathlon. So give yourself some credit. Remind yourself that yes, this really is that difficult. Give yourself permission to survive those moments and outside of those moments, ask yourself what you need, start, small, and take it one day at a time. Our next caller is Stephanie. Hi Becky, this is Stephanie. I'm in Hong Kong and I have two children, a three-and-a-half-year-old boy and a ten-month-old daughter. I wanted to get your advice on how to talk to children when you are on the verge of meltdown, you're in a terrible mood, you're maybe even depressed and you just can't turn it up and be fun

and go along with the game that is essentially parenting, right? I mean, there have been some days lately when I've just been really not able to keep it together. And I have not talked to myself in the way that I wanted to and I ended up apologizing to him after. But I mean, what do you do just in those moments when you really need to get them to do something but you can't be fun? You know, is it okay to tell them, mom's not feeling okay, mom's really having a hard

time. I just worry about gilting my son. I don't want him to be worried about how I'm feeling because there have been times when if I have like kind of a meltdown and later health, you okay, are you okay, are you feeling which is nice? But he's thinking about feelings, but I'm worried if I'm going too far by showing him too much of my feelings, if that makes sense. So yeah, if you have any tips for those really, really tough days, thanks. Hi, Stephanie.

Thank you for calling in and sharing. So honestly, what's going on for you? I have a few thoughts and a few strategies. So first of all, let's kind of begin with a big idea. It's not ever the information we share with our kids that scares them. It's the information we don't share with our kids that ends up being terrifying to them. In terms of how this relates to what you started with, if we're in a place where we feel depressed, where we know we're having a hard time accessing patients

or silliness, yes, talk to your kids about this. Our kids are excellent perceivers of their environment. They need to be because evolutionarily, they're helpless and the way they have learned to survive. Right, the way our species has survived is that children are very good at looking around and saying, what has changed?

What needs to happen? So if you know your mood has shifted, your child has noticed too. Now, either your child is alone with noticing this, or your child has you giving an explanation for this. When kids don't have an explanation, they rely on self-blame and self-doubt, which sounds like, oh, there must be something wrong with me that's making my parent be in this type of mood, or, huh, maybe I'm not so good at recognizing things in my environment.

If there really was such a big mood change, I'm sure an adult would talk to me about that. We don't want our kids to have early wiring for self-blame, or self-doubt. So what can we do? We can be honest. to have early wiring for self-blame or self-doubt. So what can we do? We can be honest. This is one of my core principles and all of my parenting work.

It seems obvious and yet it's really hard to do. The principle is tell the truth. It might sound like this. You know, we talk a lot about your big feelings. Do you know that mommy and actually all adults have big feelings, too? And you've probably noticed. Mommy's been having lots of big feelings recently. A bunch of sad feelings, some tears.

I want to talk to you about a few things about this. One, even when I have sad feelings, I'm still your mom who can take care of you. Two, even when I have sad feelings, I love you so much. Three, when I have sad feelings, they're not your fault and they're not your responsibility. Maybe later add on something like this. When I have sad feelings, it's a bit hard for me to find my funny. I'm working on kind of finding my funny and finding my patience.

That's my job to do, not yours. So let's zoom out here, Stephanie. What are we doing? We are first confirming our kids perceptions. We think often, oh no, if I tell my kid, yes, I've been sad, that's going to scare my kid. No, that's going to lead your kid to say, I was right. Now I understand the things around me. Safety actually starts with understanding. And when we tell our kids a story to help them understand what they've already noticed, that's actually what makes them feel better and more secure in their family system.

Labeling my feelings, I'm putting a name to them to confirm those perceptions, and then I'm going further. I'm not putting responsibility on my child. I'm telling my child, yes, you've noticed those feelings, and then essentially I'm saying those feelings are mine. It's my responsibility to take care of them. It's not yours. And I'm still your parent, which is another way of saying again that common theme your safe even when I'm sad another idea When we're having a hard time finding our playfulness to help kind of roll with our kids resistance

I know for me in those times I kids, resistance. I know for me in those times I rely a little bit more on something else which is preparation. So if I know tomorrow if my kid doesn't fun on their shoes going to school it's just gonna be so hard going to camp is gonna be impossible. I might at dinner prep a little bit. Hey I'm thinking about tomorrow. Hmm what can we do to make putting on shoes a little bit easier? Often then my kid will brainstorm an idea and I don't have to access my resourcefulness, my playfulness, because now I'm just prepping a little bit in advance. So think about some common kind of problem areas and tell yourself, okay

permission for now to not be able to be silly, to roll through that. Instead, let me talk to my child about those problem areas in advance, so at least those times don't come as a surprise. One more thing. I keep thinking. I really hope you have the support that you deserve. If you have a partner, talk to a partner

about what you need help with. If you have friends around you or a community, talk to them, talk about how it feels, talk about how maybe they can help. It might be dropping off dinner, it might be sending a text of support. These things really matter. And then of course, I want to name therapy as an option.

Full disclosure about me. I see my therapist every single week. Therapy is huge for my mental health. Therapy is huge for me, showing up the way I want to for myself, for my family, for my partner, for my kids, all of it. That's a sacred space for me. Therapy is really important for us to see as a way to build skills, as a way to have

a space for ourselves. It's a sign of all that's right with us that we're brave enough to go talk about things we struggle with. It's not a sign that anything is wrong with you. Our final caller is Amanda. Hi Dr. Becky, I'm Amanda from Santa Fe and I have a four year old and a two year old. I'm actually calling you from inside my bathroom so my kids don't hear me. I'm mentally, physically, emotionally, exhausted, all of it, and I know I shouldn't compare my situation to other people,

but Penn thing just looks so fun for other people on Instagram. And it really feels fun for other people on Instagram and it will rarely feel fun for me. Maybe I'm doing it wrong, but there's just too much to do and I feel bad that I can't be more fun. So any thoughts or advice on that would be really helpful. Thank you for listening to me and thank you for all that you do, Dr. Betty. Hi Amanda. I'm really, really glad you called in and raised this really important dynamic in parenting. How parenting feels in our home and how parenting often looks on Instagram. There is a huge, huge cap. I believe there's a gap even for the people

who post the most pictures of how easy and amazing parenting looks. I have a couple points that I wanna talk about with you. First of all, parenting is hard, period. Parenting isn't kids in matching outfits. It isn't kids smiling for the camera, or I can tell you at least for me, I have never had a picture where my kids

will all smile with their eyes open in the camera, looking, clean, and put together. Never. Parenting for me is my kids running around. There's a frequent argument. There's exhaustion. There are, yes, our moments that feel great. And there's moments where it all feels really, really depleting.

You're not wrong to be feeling this way. And you are definitely not alone. I'm pretty sure, if I put up a poll and said, how many of you worry that other people are finding parenting easier or more fun than you, I would have 100% yes. A couple ideas, number one. Notice who you follow on Instagram

and how their posts make you feel. How an account makes you feel is often the best data you have on whether or not you should follow it. So even if it's a friend and her pictures make you feel inadequate or bring up and adequate feelings, feel free or bring up inadequate feelings. Feel free to unfollow or mute. It doesn't mean you can't be friends with this person.

It doesn't mean you think this friend is a bad friend. Remember, you can control the information you take in. And remembering that reminds us to curate our feed in a way that generates good feelings or at least doesn't lead to these inadequate feelings surfacing over and over again. Two, I think it would be great to cultivate some friendships where you both say it how it is. Here's the thing about this. A lot of people tell me, I don't have friends who really are kind of honest and vulnerable

about parenting. It feels like all my friends are always texting about how amazing these moments are, the cutest pictures. I don't have those friends in my community. Here's what I've learned. Cultivating those friendships often starts by being the one who's willing to be brave and vulnerable and put something out there. As soon as you do, most people breathe a sigh of relief and it feels like, uh, now I have permission, the permission I've been looking for to be a little bit more vulnerable myself. So take on that challenge. Say which friend would be at the top of my list? On someone I might text. I might have to push myself, but I might text saying

parenting feels hard today. Or, hey, I was looking at some pictures on social media. And, oh, I just have this I'm a bad parent feeling. I could never get my kids to kind of look the way those kids did in that picture. Do you ever feel like that? Or everything feels really grueling today. It's a risk. I get that.

And I really believe it's a risk worth taking and it's a risk we have to take. To be able to show people that we are willing to kind of go there, to get a little bit more honest, a little bit more raw. Another idea. You mentioned it's really hard to be a fun parent when parenting feels so hard. It's hard to kind of find that fun. I totally agree in that if it's hard in general to find fun in yourself, it's impossible to bring out fun with your kids. So many parents say this to me. They say, I have a really hard

time being playful with my kids and I know my kids are looking for that and the silliness just doesn't come out. What I often explore with these parents is not here are some ideas to be silly with your kids, but rather, what is your own relationship with silliness and fun? And often parents say, I don't know what you're talking about. And this is typical because as adults, we're so serious,

we have to be, there's so much to do. We have to build our own kind of reservoir of fun and silliness for ourselves before our body would be willing to give any of that out to our kids. So start building fun in yourself. Ask yourself what would be fun to me? What used to be fun? Let me think if I can go out without my kids at night. Instead of going to dinner, would it be fun to go to an amusement park and go on a roller coaster? Would it be fun to go get cotton candy? Would it be fun to actually play a sport? Do I have a friend I could play kickball with? When I'm home instead of scrolling on social media at night when my kids are sleeping. What if I put my phone away and watched a really funny

comedy special that would inevitably make me laugh? What if I invited friends over and we played board games together? What if we played virtual games if we don't have childcare and just had a way to connect and laugh and again be in touch with our silliness. And what if it was just me alone in my bedroom and I took it upon myself to dance, to move, to let loose. I think if that was me and I wanted to really build my fun, I would order some 80s gear. I'd get my hair in a high pony. Probably have some bright pink spandex. I would definitely put on, I think we're alone now by Tiffany, and I would rock out.

Now that I'm saying this out loud, Amanda, you've given me an amazing idea. I think I know my plan for this evening. That's more fun than anything I've done in a long time. And really the general idea is there's nothing wrong with me that I can't be fun with my kids. It's just a sign that I need to build up my fun with myself. So please do picture me dancing with 80's gear to Tiffany. Please know I'm not a good dancer,

so it will be fun and silly in every way. And if that so inspires you, please join me in doing something similar. What's your favorite song? What's your favorite song? Let's tie it together with three takeaways. One, nothing is wrong with you if you find parenting exhausting. Plus, something I know about every listener here

is that you're also working on yourselves. You're building your own coping skills, looking at your own triggers, practicing self-care and self-compassion. Working on parenting, plus working on ourselves equals exhausting, exhausting and worth it. Two, if you're in a period of parental burnout, talk to your kids about it. Name your own feelings.

Let them know they were right to notice changes and tell your kids that your feelings aren't their fault or their responsibility. Also tell them that you're still able to be their parent, that they are safe, that you're still a family, and that you're working on handling your feelings. Remember, it's not what we name, but what we avoid. That scares our kids. Three, find the fun. Find the fun within yourself.

There's no right way or wrong way to do this. Make this a goal today. I'm gonna have some fun for myself. Your fun is in there. It might be dormant, but it's not dead. I know it. It might be dormant, but it's not dead. I know it. If this episode resonated with you, I strongly recommend you check out my anxiety and stress

workshop. This workshop is designed to help you build practical, implementable coping skills so you don't get to the place of depletion as often. You can find this workshop and many others at learning.goodinside.com. Thanks for listening to Good Insider. Let's stay connected. At GoodInsider.com, you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider. My weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram, Dr. Becky at Good Insider.

Good Insider is produced by Beth Roe and Brad Gage, and Executive Produced by Erica Belski and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review. And if you really like the episode, please share it with someone you know. Many of you tell me that sharing an episode has allowed you to start conversations about tricky topics with spouses or extended family members, and to bond and connect with fellow cyclebreakers. conversations about tricky topics with spouses or extended family members and To bond and connect with fellow cycle breakers. I actually do read each and every review

So please know that your feedback is meaningful to me Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves Even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.