Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Pendulum Parenting

Episode Date: January 3, 2023

Pendulum Parenting: When you try so hard to parent differently than the way you were raised but accidentally swing to the other end of the pendulum. This week, Dr. Becky talks with one of the hosts of the We Can Do Hard Things podcast, Amanda Doyle, about holding clear boundaries while raising kids in a family where it's important that all feelings be allowed.Get the Guide to Running A Family Meeting: https://lp.goodinside.com/podcast-family-meetings/Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2AFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode go to goodinside.com/podcastToday’s episode is brought to you by the following sponsor: Frida Baby’s All-In-One Potty Kit has everything you need for a successful potty process — including exclusive tips from Dr. Becky. Frida Baby’s kit comes with a Grow-With-Me Potty that adapts as they learn - first as a standalone potty and then as a toilet topper and step stool for the big toilet. The Frida Baby All-in-One Potty Kit is a total game-changer… pairing a ground-breaking product with content and tips that bring you and your child confidence and success. Pick yours up at Fridababy.com, Amazon, Target or Buy Buy Baby.

I'm Dr. Becky and this is good inside. If my kid is upset about something and runs up and slams the door and and my response to all that is a I know how frustrated you are this is so hard this is so sad and I'm not getting to the point where I'm like. But seriously you can't just be running around slam and doors around here know, then I'm not actually doing the other part of parenting. So the other day, I was talking to my friend and one of the hosts of the We Can Do Hard Things podcast, Amanda Doyle, and she shared a phrase that I loved, pendulum parenting. She was telling me that she grew up in a family where she wasn't allowed to have a wide-range of feelings at all, and so it was really important for her to raise kids who were allowed to have a wide-range of feelings. But then she wondered, oh, did I swing to the other end of that pendulum?

Maybe I haven't differentiated with my kids between allowing all feelings, but not allowing all behaviors. I know this is a conversation that's going to resonate with all of you. We'll be right back after this. If you're like most parents, I know you're busy. The last thing we want after a long day is to plant dinner, shop for ingredients, and cook. While trying to do a million other things at the same time, just to put the food in front of your child and hear, yuck, that's disgusting. Or I'm not eating that.

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Like I always did the right things and acted in a highly respectful way and wasn't always sure that all of the emotions were received with the same degree of welcomeness. And so I really wanted my kids to be able to have all of the emotions that anger, the frustration, the resentment, all of it, like as loudly as they wanted to, and the whole spectrum of it. But I'm having a hard time figuring out where emotions translate to behaviors and how

not to be teaching them that all behaviors are appropriate. Someone recently said something similarly. Like in my house, no emotions were allowed. They're like, I don't even know if happiness was really allowed. It was just like kind of just flat. And you're like, I might have over corrected. Right. And maybe that's what that's kind of similar to what you're saying. Yes. Glennon andon and my sister Glennon, I call it pendulum parenting that we just like take wherever the pendulum was and swing it all the way over, but like that's not necessarily correct or not correct or incorrect, but just as helpful and safe feeling for the child to completely switch in the opposite direction. And I just want to land on a place where they can trust themselves to feel of their emotions, express all of their emotions, but not necessarily

act on the emotions to express all the behaviors that they're considering. And that's what I'm trying to figure out. And I think it always starts with this, like, really inconvenient, I guess, kind of like truth, where I mean, I don't know if this is like science-backed, but I do think we're just, we're born with all the feelings and with all the intensity of all the feelings. Feelings are so intense, we know that as adults, and we're born with no skills for those feelings. and we're born with no skills for those feelings. And the nuance of having to teach skills to manage feelings, while knowing for a good number of years, those feelings will continue while you're learning

to come out in behaviors is tricky. And most parents fall on one end of the spectrum or the other. They see the behaviors and they kind of reject the feelings underneath and they don of reject the feelings underneath and they don't differentiate. Or it feels really important to be like, I don't want to shut down my kids' emotions. I know that felt so bad for me. I know that didn't work for me.

But then also in some ways those kids aren't always learning the skills for the feelings. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. So it's like if my kid is upset about something and runs up and slams the door and and my response to all of that is, I know how frustrated you are. This is so hard. This is so sad. And I'm not getting to the point where I'm like, but seriously, you can't just be running around slam and doors around here, you know, then I'm not actually doing the other part of parenting. So going to the other side of the pendulum,

like, did you slam doors or were you like, yeah, I know, I would have never. Oh my God, I would have never have slammed a door. Never. By the time slamming doors became an option, you knew by that point, that is not for me. That is not allowed here. That would not have been among the realm of possibilities

that would have gone through my mind. So let's jump into some details. And then I'm sure we'll zoom out from there and then zoom back in. But maybe it is the same indoor example or maybe it's something different. Like what might happen in your home and that kind of brings this conundrum to light?

So I'm trying to think like an unfavered activity. A, it's time to do homework, it's time to turn off the computer. It's, um, and then so it's always like an escalation, right? So it's time to do whatever that is. And then it's, you know, the things that I would never have done, the eye rolling, the, that, you know, just the things that I interpret as disrespectful because it was that level of respect was required of me.

So I interpreted it as I am failing to instill a respect was that level of respect was required of me. So I interpreted it as I am failing to instill a respect for me in my children. And then if it's the, I'm not gonna do that, then that escalates to, you can't tell me you're not gonna do that. And then we get in this cycle where it may be that I'm over empathizing with.

I understand you don't want to do it. It's going to be really frustrating for you, but we need to set this time and do this thing. And I just don't know that like, is it that I have to do that crap every time or like, when is the point where it's like not to be to 1950s, but like when your parents are like, go to your homework or the, but like when your parents are like, go do your homework or the kid is like, all right.

And they go do their homework. Look when that all of that start happening. And then I start going down the road and I'm like, okay, what happens when this child grows up and is like, I no longer really covet your approval. I have this whole world outside of you that I'm entirely more interested in pleasing menu. Like, are they going to grow into understanding this or

they're going to grow so far away from caring that I'm creating a monster at that point, where I don't have really the emotional leverage that I have with them now. So, let's jump into one of these things. Is it turning off screens? Is it homework? Is it we have to go visit family? And it's like some family that like are some friends that they're like, oh, so boring.

I don't want to go visit those people or I have to take an errand with you. And it's not something that's enticing to a kid. And they're a little bit kind of grumpy about it What's what's most visceral? Let's say it's like it's time to turn off Screens or stop playing with a ball outside because it's time to play violent like it's time to practice your thing Let's take that one. Okay. Theoretically. And theory, right. So let's actually jump into violin a little bit.

Is this something one of your kids wants to do? Is this something that they like? Is this something that, you know, a lot of parents wouldn't be only to use? Like, I want my kid to play an instrument. Like, you know, I don't know. So what's crazy, and this is another thing, I just think this is fascinating from a parent take perspective, my eight year old daughter wanted to do it when she was six. And she was very into it, she was very excited about doing it. I thought she is going to be like a virtuoso. She's going to be amazing. And then I set up all the, you know, found the teacher, set up all the things, and then

my son's like, what the hell, dude? Like, what about me? And I was like, you want to do violin? I thought, no chance in hell. Because he's just, he's way more sporty, his attention to detail, his like, you know, I just didn't think that that would work for him. Mm-hmm.

I'm like, of course, we'll do it. Zero chance, I thought it would be enough. We're six months into violin. The violin teacher is like, I think we can retire your daughter. Like, we don't need to do that anymore. But he's like, really cool. I am wasting your money.

I'm one of your children. Just want to be honest. I resigned from your daughter, but she's very interested in my son because he's really freaking good. And it just, that was one of my early lessons of like, oh, you don't know your kids. You think you know, and you have them typecast, and you have them tracking a certain way. And you're probably wrong on both fronts, which I was. So he's really good. He has a really good gift. And he's, I think he gets a lot of confidence from it.

And he's proud. And he can do something that no one else in the family can do. And that, I think, is a really good thing for him internally. I mean, I'm making this up, but he says when he's doing really well and he loves it he's like proud and happy to keep going. Now when he has to practice he's like, I hate this and I want to quit. So there's no that's a whole another conversation about that

but he he doesn't like playing. He loves to be a violin player. But he likes the lessons. Does he like the lessons? He does. He likes the practices. Yeah, the practices. The kick in the shorts for him.

Yeah. And so this might be a situation where, I don't know if his teacher says, like, you have to practice this as many days or just as a family, you know, kind of feels like that should be on the schedule. Yeah, like he practices, he's supposed to practice every day, probably practices like three times a week, which is like totally fine. I have, I have very mediocre standards. That's fine. That's the thing for children, you know, just average average. Okay, so, so the resistance comes, is that what happens? I don't want to practice. They're like, oh, her mom, you're so annoying. I'm not coming in.

It's not fair. I'm not doing that right now. It's not fair. I'm not doing it. So one of the things that struck me about your daughter and your son starting by a Lynn is actually just how different their starts were relative to you. How it came from your son had to really push for this. He's like, hey, what about me? I want to do this. When for your daughter, there was something a little bit more within your relationship that led to it. He like really pushed for it. Well, yeah, he saw that I was signing up my daughter because she had asked for it. And then he's like, what about me? And I was like, oh, so mine, she came to me and asked for it. I was going with her. And then he was like, I would also like to partake

of that benefit you're bestowing on my daughter, on your daughter. But when it comes to things like motivation, right? Or pride. Like often the further away someone else is from us, the easier it is to feel. I mean, I think, right? Like as soon as someone comes in

and kind of takes away a part of that or now of all of a sudden, no, my motivation is to like make someone else happy or someone else wants me to do it. It almost feels like, oh, I can't, I this can't be my thing anymore. He started with it as his thing. Yes.

So as we talk about like feelings and this difference between expressing feelings and behaviors, which is all related, I'm also just struck by something that shifted from something that he very much came to you with to now he's resisting you. Like at first you're like, there was nothing to resist,

you didn't even want him to do violent. Mm-hmm. And so what happens next? So he's annoyed. And then is it like, oh, mom, so annoying. Okay, okay fine. Or is it more like, oh, you're so annoying. I'm not doing it.

And then there's, you know, some type of more explosive situation. It depends. It's just like a ritual we go through, where it'll be like the six minutes of the talking through it. And you're so frustrated and you don't want to do this. And you'd rather, you know,

I'm doing the doctor Becky things. I'm saying it back. You're so fraught. Oh, it's so hard to stop doing something you want to do and start doing the violin. You know, I'm taking my notes from you. And then some times they'll just be something said or an action like a door slamming. Yeah. Where I just don't know, okay, is that a child who is comfortable in this home expressing the full range of his emotions and he knows he is safe to be angry at me and I want him to be able to do that and not be think that I'm afraid of that, versus am I raising a kid who's slamming doors around our house,

and also potentially taking our family emotional hostage. And do we have to go through this rigmarole every time? And how do I make him comfortable with his feelings while being like, you have to do the thing, and you have to not slam doors in our house, because mom and dad do it, slam doors. Yeah, like, we don't do that here. And how old is your son? 10. Okay, so it's interesting.

I feel like to me, I'm having some different questions come up for me, not so much about feelings and behaviors, but around kind of clarity and boundaries. Right, one of the things I think about a lot with my kids, because we have some financial privilege, for sure in my family, just meaning like, I can sign them up for a bunch of different things. And something I think about a lot is for kids

who have that financial privilege, like they never have to learn, like what they have to put in to continue this to happen. Like effort. Like I'm like, I feel like my kids need to pay with effort if I'm gonna pay with money and time, right? But I've learned with my own kids that it's really important to establish that

in the beginning. So, oh, you want private lessons or you want me to drive you to baseball? Okay, I just wanna be upfront with you. Like taking the time out of my schedule and paying for that, those are things we can do. That's not, you don't have to feel guilty about that. And that would mean you developing a practice schedule

on your own, and follow you, and I can help you figure that out. But you practicing outside of those lessons is in my mind what you would need to do. So I feel good doing what my role is. Mm. And I feel like those things aren't contracted for enough and then inevitably, yes, this is what happens, right? It's like we kind of pay for the thing

or we drive them to the lesson, which is like something, it's a cost, my God. Right? And then you end up presenting your kid. That's what happens. Like you're resenting, like why aren't you practicing? Maybe it's not that we have a fantasy of him being in Carnegie Hall, but you're just like show some effort or do something.

You know, as part of this arrangement. Yes. Right. And if you're not going to do anything, don't just give me a whole other job, which is trying to get you to do the thing. Yes, completely. And I think that is powerful to say. Like, look, I want to, and I would say this,

damn, in a comm moment, you know, you know what? Right now, at this point in your life, it is my job to help you figure out what you love to do and to facilitate those things happening. Often, there's logistics, there might be driving, there might be organization, and there might be money. Those are all facilitating those things happening. It is, it is not a job I want to take on to get involved in things like practicing these activities outside.

And I think I've become way to involved in those moments because then of course when I get involved, if I'm not supposed to be involved really from the first place, well now of course now you're resisting me involved, which I actually understand because we'd all resist someone being involved in something that they're not supposed to be involved in.

It's just a recipe for disaster. And so I want us to think about a new way to look at violin. What's my job? What's your job? Now, one of the best things about being a kid in our families, I'm happy to help you do your job. A lot of kids need to figure out, okay, it's something like practice. Well, do I need a visual reminder?

One would I actually do that? But I don't want to do your job. A lot of kids need to figure out how, okay, something like practice. Well, do I need a visual reminder? One would actually do that. But I don't want to do your job for you. And I think it's going to work out better for both of us. How would you respond to that, you think? I think if he was involved in structuring his own day, like if we were like, let's look at a week, here's when you have basketball practice, here's when you have baseball practice, here's the you have baseball practice.

Here's the time I know you really love to play with your friends. When on this schedule, do you want to add your three days of violent practice? I think if he named it and he wrote it, that would be very different. Because it probably, in fairness to to him feels like a whirlwind like I've just reached the thing where I'm like, oh, damn, we have on practice in four days and I come rushing in and he's like, what in the flesh has happened right now? Exactly. Exactly. I do that to my, I feel like for me, it's with my son, my oldest, who's 11, and it's baseball, right? And I'll be like, oh, like, you know, he's asking to play a video game and like,

I'm driving him, I'm gonna live in New York City. I have to get my car at the garage and then drive. My husband comes up early from work and we're paying this money, God for staking amount of money. And then he's like, can I play this video game? And I'm like, oh my goodness,

but that's my trigger. Yes. And you're right. And then I think what do we say? Like, well well is he respecting me or not or this it's like wait maybe I may be able to ask a different question. Yeah. Probably the setup here isn't working for anyone. And this is where for your son I even tie it back to how he started. He's like I want to do that. I want to do that. It's not

so much we can get to the slamming doors because I think there's a way to do that. It's not so much, we can get to the slamming doors, because I think there's a way to intervene there. But I'm also just thinking, it's not so much, what do I do when he slams a door? But like, how can we structure this in a way where he doesn't even really want to slam a door because he's actually motivated to do something that he wants to do? That's how this started in the first place. And you know what's so interesting, Dr. Beckett, because it's like the one thing is I really, the thing I want most is my kids to be internally motivated for what they want, because like I have been a dancing monkey my whole life, you know, I have in the

da da da da da, here's my straight A's, here's my everything. And that I have in the dada da da da da, here's my straight A's, here's my everything. And that I have always been incredibly driven and a very high achiever. And then I've been like, wait, is that because I wanted that thing? I don't even know. I don't even know because I'm reaching for the next thing always. But I, but I want my kids to be able to be like, that's the thing I want. I have the efficacy to be able to figure out how to get there.

And I know it's a thing I want and I want to get it. And I actually think that I can separate myself from what I want for my kids and get behind what they want for themselves. But what you're suggesting is that that's giving them ownership over the thing. Yes. Hey, so I want to let you in on something that's kind of counterintuitive about parenting. The most impactful way we can change our parenting

actually doesn't involve learning any new parenting strategies. The most impactful way we can change our parenting is by giving ourselves more resources so we can show up as sturdier, so we can show up as calm amidst the inevitable chaos. It's what our kids need from us more than anything else. This is why I'm doing my mom rage workshop again. I'm doing it again because it is one of my most popular ones to date.

It's coming up July 19th, but no worries if you can't make it live. It'll be available as a recording for whenever you have the time. I promise it's really the best investment we can make not only in ourselves, but also in our kids. Can't wait to see you there at GoodInside.com. I call these conversations,

like with Mike, it's like family meetings, and I think setting it up like that, so respectful to a kid to say to him, hey, let's find a time and like give him a space. Let's find time is good for both of us. I want to do something and if you haven't done this before you say, I want to do something we haven't done before. It's some type of like meeting, you know, you can say like at my job, you know, when things don't go well, you get the other like core team members together and everyone has good ideas and you come together and figure it out. And I don't think you and I have done that.

I don't think I've done that with you. The truth is this whole violin practice thing doesn't feel good to either of us. And you know what's interesting, we haven't yet sat down and been like, hey, you have ideas, I have ideas. And I just know when we do that, like we're gonna come up with like a really good solution.

And then to actually have a meeting with your partner too, not with other kids, just them. And then it's so powerful to actually bring pen and paper to that meeting. And just be like, okay, we're gonna write down ideas. What are some ideas around violent practice schedule? What's not working now? What's the worst part of it for you? What's the most annoying thing I do? And then to write, oh, yeah, mom, mom just kind of comes at me randomly

when I'm playing with football and says, I'm the practice. And I'm going to write that down. That sounds pretty annoying. Yeah. Right. And then you might say, and one thing's I'm going to write down is I want to be less involved in your practice. Now, that doesn't mean I think it's okay not to practice. Right? I actually think it's okay to practice, but I think you're a kid who likes violin, so I actually think we're gonna figure it out a way for you to want to do more of this. I also want to be less involved, so I might write down like,

okay, well, I think it's important to have some practice and I agree it's really annoying for a mom to be dictating that. Okay, right? And in any conflictual situation, if you were a husband who was like, I mean, I want to write down everything you're saying right now, it's really important. You'd be like, it's amazing, right?

That's, oh my God. I'd be like, here's six pads of paper. And that's good. Right, so, and there's something about writing when your kids are upset. It stops us from reacting. And it just slows down. It's even to be like, wait, I want to get it all down.

So you can slow them down if they kind of go in like a rant against you. And then the goal of the meeting would be to say, let's clarify what each of our jobs are around your playing. And let's figure out how to each do less of the thing that kind of can be annoying to the whole situation. And let's end by coming up with a totally different way to go about this. And in this way, you're really saying, me and you, and I would say that, as I think it's easy to hear this, we're on the same team.

We're both on a team against the way practice has been going. Yes. Like that's the problem. We have a common enemy. Yes. And it really problem. We have a common enemy. Yes. And it really works. Like it does. Right.

Just like it would for us, especially as our kids get older. Like they feel so respected. Probably one of the things that happens that leads to some of the slamming doors is, you know, kids and every, they don't feel respected. Like I was just doing something. Now of a sudden, my activity has really become your activity, your controlling in me. I want you out. And the way that that all feels and gets expressed is slamming the doors. So let's go to slamming the doors though, because I agree. Like slamming the doors is like, it's not cool. Not cool. Right. When you're saying,

I'm doing all the Dr. Becky stuff. Right. Okay, so one of the things I think, no, well, I think one of the things that's really important is I love validating emotions. I love validating emotions. And I think validating emotions has to more often go hand in hand with like really laying down where your boundaries are. Because if that part doesn't come, so my visual is like, I'm just like sinking

into the abyss with them. Like I wanna let them know, I'm like in the hole with them, but I also wanna let them know, like I see out of the hole, like I see where we're going. We're not just both, right? So as an example, oh, it's just so frustrating, I know. It's so annoying to stop. One thing you love to start something different.

I love all that. And then I hear myself wanting to say, like, and listen, we just talked about in our family meeting. Like this is the time, and this is where you now have, like, you know, more kind of capital. Like this is the time you carved out. And you practicing when you said you were gonna practice

is your end of the deal, around playing violin. And so I get it's frustrating. I know you're a kid who can make a switch from a fun activity to one that's a little more challenging. And I'm just, and this is a thing important, I'm just gonna go and get a drink of water. I just, I know we're gonna figure this out. And the reason I'm saying I'm gonna get a drink of water

is like, I'm just gonna back out of the situation. Like, I'm not gonna stay in your face. I'm gonna give my kid a little space to feel the independence, especially a 10-year-old would need to do to be like, okay, I guess I'm gonna do the thing my mom suggested. But at least that they're not in my face, I can save face.

You know a little bit. That's good. Which feels different than I know it's so hard. I know, I know you're so mad. Oh, you're so annoying. Right? Like, I was like, oh, like, how many times can we really, I mean, I'm really saying, oh, my God, he started saying to me, can you step-sake that?

Right. Which I agree, I might be like, I know she's like, what? She's missing the other half. Like, I know. It's enough. You read half the book. I know, I'm always so good at 50% of everything. Or I say to my kids, I'm like, look, I know this is hard.

And I'm not talking about it anymore. I'm not talking about it anymore. Not because I'm trying to be mean, you're allowed to feel the way you feel. I also know that just spiraling over and over and over and over in the same feeling does nobody any good. So we're not gonna talk about anymore. You're either gonna practice or not practice. We can deal with that later.

But let's shift to something else. Like the loving, empathic response. I don't think it always is just sitting and spiraling in the feeling if the feeling almost becomes a spiral. Then again, you lose yourself in it. What is, and so tell me for you, man, I'm like, what is that side of it like? I'm done.

I know you're gonna figure this out. We need to take a break talking about this. I know you can make a good decision around this. That side, which I do think for some parents, it can feel and conflict with the like, oh, does that feel too much like my childhood? Like we don't do these things in our house. Does that feel shutting down

to kind of a kid's emotional experience? No, I don't think so. I think that that is, I think it feels like a boundary to me. It feels like, so I have asked you to do this thing. You're asking me to do this thing with you, which is like, wallow for a long time and how unfair it is. And we're just going to agree that you're a big kid and all of your emotions are safe.

And like, you're going to clearly do what you're going to do right now. And I'm going to go do something else. No, it feels, it feels right. Because when you said kind of taking emotionally, you had a phrase hostage. Yeah, emotional hostage. Sometimes it where he runs really hot and really cold. He's very deeply feeling. And sometimes I worry about, you know, we're all riding the wave in the family and that that doesn't feel...

I want to be very aware that my daughter feels the full, able to express the full breath of her everything and not like she's accommodating and acclimating to that. Yes. And I think in a way where you're saying, and I think that you can actually say these words, but you also kind of, I think, are saying them through that added boundary is your feelings are real. And I care about them. And they do not dictate what we do in this family. And I think that's the nuance in terms of the pendulum. You can feel mad at me. Maybe it's about something else.

You can feel mad at me. And slamming doors is disruptive and dangerous. And I know you're a good kid who is going to learn to feel angry at me and find a different way of expressing it. And until that moment comes, the reason I'm holding your door. The reason I'm standing between you and the door is because slamming doors is disruptive and dangerous and you're angry and you're not allowed to slam doors. And beyond protecting the family, I always think like this is so protective to a kid.

Because just as, I don't know about dangerous, but just as awful as it feels to not be allowed to feel your feelings, is to watch the feelings that overwhelm you, then take over the entire family house. That also was like, oh my goodness, you feel like a monster. And so that's a conversation I imagine you could actually have with him when things are calm, not in the moment. In the moment, you just are like,

I just gotta get through this. But, you know, look, and I would say this to him, I'm sure you probably already have said something like this. Like, you know, one of the things I feel best about in our family is that you know, you can feel really mad at me. Mm hmm. You can feel so many things. I mean, I wasn't really allowed to feel difficult feelings in my family growing up. And it's so important to me that our kids are. I'm actually really proud of us for that.

I love that you can be angry at me. And there may have been times that I've confused allowing you to be mad at me with allowing certain dangerous behaviors to persist. And I'm gonna start differentiating that, and you might notice that. So I might say things like, here's one of those times you're mad, that's allowed.

And I will not, I'm not gonna let you, or I know that you can say this differently. I won't let you call me stupid a million times. No, I'm not leaving you. I'm walking out of this room right now, because I know you can find a different way to let me know you're angry at me. That feels better to both of us.

I'm going to take some deep breaths. I love you. You're a good kid. But saying these things to me over and over is not allowed. And I know you can do it differently. Right. It's really, it's really loving to say that to someone. And I think just explaining that like, hey, this was my baseline. Like you said, I might have had this pendulum, right? And here's something in the middle.

And then I would say, what is, if, if, if saying mom, you're stupid, right, or if, if, if, if slamming doors all around is, is a 10, and I'm not going to allow a behavior that's a 10 now, remember, anger can be a 10. But I'm not going to allow the behavior, right? There's many ways that are true to express anger. Some are safe and some are not safe. Let's just brainstorm now. Like what's something that is a safer way

of letting me know you're angry at me. And I'd actually brainstorm. And I'd throw them a bone. I'd be like, look, I promise I'm not gonna tell you to take a deep breath. It's just like not cool, right? I'm not gonna tell you to take a deep breath. It's just like not cool, right? I'm not gonna say that. I'm not gonna practice that meditation right in this moment.

No. But what might he say? He might say taking a minute to myself. Yeah, and if he said that, I'd be like, yeah, I feel like that would be like a, like a two. Like that would be like, I'll be really solid to divide it that when I was angry. Like go ahead and do that,

but let's get something a little bit more expressive. I mean, like you'd wanna like maybe punch a pillow, like maybe scream into his pillow. Great, great. I'm gonna punch a pillow. I'd be like, that's an amazing idea. That is a way we get a feeling out. We feel like we feel powerful

because you can even ask them, I wonder if one of the things that feels good about slamming a door is feeling powerful. The truth is when some of us want to express anger, we want to feel powerful. So there probably could be another way. You feel powerful. Another good thing about slamming a door

is you hear impact. It's very real. They're like, be another way. You feel powerful. Another good thing about slamming a door is you hear impact. It's very real. You're like, I did that. Uh-oh. Okay. So maybe there's something about that. And then again, it's like, well, how else can you feel impact? I don't know, maybe it's, you know, again, it's punching a pillow.

It's throwing something. You know, you might even share with him. You know, you could say to me, I want to slam a door. I want to slam a door. I am that mad. I want to do it. And I promise to slam a door. I am that mad. I want to do it. And I promise you, I will believe that you're as mad

as if you had slammed a door. I'll know you're as mad. I'll believe it. Because as soon as you can express what you want to do, I mean, it's a very sophisticated coping skill. A lot of us are working on that. Yeah. Instead of doing that.

I'm so mad I could scream at you right now. Yeah. Right, right? But that's a huge, that's very sophisticated. I'm working quite that. Yeah. And I think the message to him, which is just, I think so often the message that some kids don't get, is like, I'm saying all these things

because I actually, number one, want you to feel this feeling. I'm also saying it because you're a good kid. I know you're a good kid and I know for everyone expressing feelings in a way that looks out of control, it feels out of control. That's not a good feeling for you. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't want to have that kind of power over the family. Yeah. Yeah. The last thing I'll say is at times of my own kids, it's actually been very valuable with certain feelings to like make a list to be super concrete.

Let's take a feeling and let's differentiate it from a behavior. Like even just knowing that difference, like it's not taught to kids, it's not obvious. Yeah, that's so true. Just as a list. Okay. So, are you allowed to feel angry? Yes. What about hitting? Oh, no. That's a behavior that's not so safe. Okay. Feeling angry, saying you're stupid. Oh, yeah. Not so great.

Saying you're stupid isn't so great. What about feeling so angry? And you want your kids to be like, yeah, you're exactly, it's kind of complicated, right? But that's true. And our family, we know you can feel so angry, we can do better over time than saying you're stupid. Yep, okay, you know, what else? And then even to say like,

what is another behavior that's not so great and what feeling is actually an okay feeling under it, right? Like, you know, like, kids actually I find, like, we'll engage in this. There's a little bit of like an intellectual exercise and I'm like, oh, that's kind of like interesting to think about and I help some understand themselves. Yes.

As well. You're good, Dr. Becky. Covered a lot. You always do. If you want to get the step-by-step instructions for how to do a family meeting, including scripts for how to introduce this to your child and how exactly to make this effective, head to the show notes. Click the link for family meetings and I'll

email the exact steps right here in box. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share good inside membership. The first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's totally game-changing.

Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Nat and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Eric Erica Belsky, Mary Panico, Ashley Valenzuela, and the rest of the good inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle,

and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.