Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Revisit - Reparenting With the In-Laws

Episode Date: December 17, 2024

This is a repeat of an earlier episode. What happens when you want to do things differently than how you were raised and yet the people who raised you are intimately involved in raising your children? Is it more important to hold boundaries with your extended family or should you focus on other strategies? In this conversation, Dr. Becky talks with a mom about this exact situation.Get the Good Inside App by Dr. Becky: https://bit.ly/3zfUxQmFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategyToday’s episode is brought to you by Airbnb: Let's be honest, parenting is expensive, especially around the holidays. If you’re traveling over the holidays and have an empty home consider making a little extra income by becoming a host on Airbnb. Every little bit helps, especially during the holiday season! Being an Airbnb host means that you are providing another family with an amazing experience and it's a great way to earn some extra money for all the different things you wanna do. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb dot com slash host.

What happens when you want to do things differently than how you were raised, and yet the people who raised you are intimately involved in your life and in the raising of your children? We have done good work from the beginning, setting boundaries with the grandparents, saying what's important to us, picking our battles, planting our flag where we felt we needed to and letting other things slide when we could. But now it's much more about a narrative, it's much more ideological,

it's much more about like an overall approach to how we raise kids and the stories we tell about them. And that feels a lot trickier to me to figure out how to set the boundaries or how to have those conversations. Hi, so nice to meet you. So nice to be talking today. Why don't we begin? Just tell me a little bit about you and what's on your mind.

Hi, so thank you for doing this. I have two young kids. One is almost four. One is 10 months. They're both girls for now, as far as we know. And the thing that is on my mind is that I am very fortunate, my partner and I are very fortunate that we have the proverbial village that everyone says they want, which is family, which is mostly my partner's family, extended family. We live

in a neighborhood very close to them. And we're also really committed to this idea of reparenting. And what I'm finding, at least, I won't speak for him, but what I'm finding is that if you are lucky enough to have the village and you're also committed to reparenting, inevitably, some of the behaviors or patterns or ways of operating around children that you're trying to reparent from will appear in that village. And so I am wondering how can we continue to foster these really important relationships, from the support that is real and important, and also not let some behaviors that I think are harmful impact our kids. And the added dimension of this that is challenging is that, of course, this isn't my family of origin I'm talking about, it's his. Yes, there's like a trifecta.

The village, reparenting, in-laws. Yes. The ultimate kind of adult trifecta. But really, you're actually raising something that I haven't considered until you illuminated it in that way. We want the village. We want that mother-in-law or my dad involved or the great Anne. It's so amazing to have so many people so you really don't feel alone.

And with all those people around more often, we a little bit kind of inherit, how do they think about gender roles and boundaries and feelings and behavior? And if I know I want to do certain things, many things, one or two things differently, then I am then clashing with those people in my village more often than if I didn't have such ongoing support. Is that kind of where you're at? That's exactly what it is. And I can say that this is something that we've confronted from the moment my first born was born. But the reason it's feeling stickier for me right now is because as my older daughter approaches four, I'm noticing that she's just absorbing messages, narratives,

She's just absorbing messages, narratives, conversation to a degree that's new and different. And that's been the case for the past number of months, but she's just with it in a way that she wasn't before. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back in a minute. Hey Good Inside listeners. So sometimes with parenting, a podcast does the trick. And sometimes with parenting, we need a bit more. And I wanted to be sure you knew that we're set up to help you in those trickier times.

The Good Inside membership platform is your parenting encyclopedia, coupled with a community of parents and experts you trust, which means that no matter what you're going through, we've got you covered. And then we take it a step further, because I know that we're people who don't just want to solve a problem and return to baseline. We want to raise our baselines, right? And this is what we really do, together.

Reduce triggers, learn to set boundaries, and access that sturdy leader that I know is inside all of us. It's all there when you're looking for that next step. And until then, please do check out goodinside.com slash podcast. Scroll down to the Ask Dr. Becky section at the bottom and let me know what you want to talk about in future podcast episodes. future podcast episodes. So let's jump into a specific or two because I find getting super specific allows us to zoom out after, right? So let's zoom into something specific.

We'll get into kind of the details and then I think that'll be a good jumping off point to understand what's going on. And I promise you by the end of this conversation to give you many concrete strategies to actually use. Sure. Yes. So I have three kind of areas that this is appearing in and I can just pick one. But you mentioned gender roles. So that's a big one. And that's the one that I notice the older daughter is starting to absorb more. So there's a lot of focus on appearance, on how pretty she is,

on how pretty both our daughters are, what they're wearing. And we are very deliberate at home about not emphasizing that as much and We'll try to Say, you know, like if my father-in-law Says oh like this is my most beautiful granddaughter, you know, we'll say inside and out right? He'll be like yes. Yes inside and out, but you know doesn't quite stick that one. I'll tell you the three and then you can pick which one you want to do. Two

is a real discomfort with feelings. My older daughter is a sensitive kid. She might be what you call a deeply feeling kid. I'm not sure, but she's certainly very sensitive. And we've got them to not say things like, don't cry. But now they instead will just kind of do whatever she wants to get her to not cry. So the discomfort with the feeling is there. They're just doing the like hyper-grandparent thing of just like, let me give you whatever you want. And then the third is just a general story they tell about being good and behaving a certain way in order to be good. And so they don't speak English, they speak a different language. So it doesn't quite translate in English, but essentially what they'll say to my daughter and to her cousin is, you know, don't do this or you have to do this because you should be good.

So your idea of that we actually are good and we don't have to behave a certain way is not the story that they're telling. Hmm. So here's the best part of our conversation. I promise you we could dive into any of them and we're going to touch on themes and strategies for all of them. So I'm not the expert of you and your family you are touch on themes and strategies for all of them. So I'm not the expert of you and your family you are. You pick one to jump into. Um.

It could be any vivid, anyone that has kind of like a vivid moment. Okay, let's do the last one because that one to me feels like actually the one that touches everything else. Great. So like where are you? What exactly happens? Like walk me through that kind of moment and then and then we're gonna're going to go for it together. Okay. So, I go pick up my daughter at her grandparents' house. I have my baby with me and I give her a heads up.

My older daughter, like, hey, we're going to get going. I'm going to help you put on your coat. It's cold outside. And she yells, no, and runs and jumps on the couch, which is not the ideal reaction, but also- Nothing to write home about. Nothing to write home about in my book. Right. I'm like, transitions are hard. When you're three years old, she needs to exert some autonomy. It's cool. Usually she does that and then we can keep it moving.

And when she does that, my baby, who was nine months at the time and is learning to mimic sounds, also kind of gives out a shriek. So she's learning to imitate. And so I go over to my older daughter and I start talking to her really quietly and just telling her what's gonna happen.

And that usually works really well for her. But as I do that, my mother-in-law comes over, starts talking over me and saying to her, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that. We're not going to do that because you need to be good and your sister is going to learn from whatever you're doing and you're responsible for making sure she learns. So you need to be good and she needs to be good and you need to make sure she's good. So don't do that and kind of just like goes on and on.

So it's not only about a narrative about being good. It's also a narrative about you're responsible for your sister, which is also something that I'm trying to keep separate. Well, the responsibility and you need to be the kind of good kid role model because then if not, you're also affecting this child. So there's a lot there. Right. Okay.

So I have so many different ideas. I don't know if they're going to come out in the exact right order, but I still be it. First of all, one of the things that strikes me in talking to you is just how intentional of a parent you are. And I feel like you're someone, and you could tell me if not, I've known you for 10 minutes, who really like notices details. Like you pick up on a lot.

You notice a lot. Is that true? Yeah, that feels true. You know, we talk about how my daughter, the older daughter is like my mini me in personality. And so she's a very sensitive soul. And I think I'm sensitive in some of the same ways. Yeah. And so those are all amazing things, right? Like you're very intentional, you know some of the things you want to do differently, you're into reparenting.

So one of the things just at baseline, right, I think that's important to know about ourselves is, am I kind of going to notice all of the different things that happen, maybe that are different from the way I want to do them? Or am I someone who might not even register? Like, I can tell you me, like, my in-laws say something, my parents, like, my husband might be like, Becky, did you hear that? And I'll be like, I don't even hear it. And so, being so intentional and cycle-breaking and being so detail-oriented, it's hard as an adult in a way,

because we feel compelled to kind of react to everything, or, oh, is that a big deal that they said that? So I think that's just a good baseline to appreciate about yourself. I'm very intentional, and I notice a lot of these things. Like, that comment from my mother-in-law is going to ring in my brain, like, for longer than maybe it would for someone else. It's like, yeah, maybe she said something annoying. I don't know, I was busy, like, getting my kid out the door.

Now, the other thing I want to say related to that is I think sometimes when I talk to parents who are really invested in reparenting and cycle breaking, those are like my type of, you know, my type of parents, is we unconsciously have this belief that when we do things differently, like the people around us also need to do things differently for our kids to benefit

from our intentional different choices. And so there's this belief like, okay, like there my mother-in-law goes saying all the things that maybe me or my partner inherited that we really don't want our girls to inherit. And here it is. And it feels like it's like working against like all this effort and again, an intentionality and detail we're putting into our parenting. And I guess what I want to say, and this is not the only piece of guidance I have, there's

a lot of other details, is I just just want to assure you that other people around you doing things differently than you do them, not only, what I say, doesn't get in your way of cycle breaking, I actually think there's a lot of ways where it enhances the impact. And here's why. We don't notice the things. We don't notice the things, we don't register the things that happen everywhere. Which is part of, when you're an adult, you're like, wait, my family did this thing so weird,

I didn't even notice until I was 30. And I, right, because if everyone did it that way. So having grandparents who say things about gender, about responsibility, about feelings, I really mean this, it gives you this amazing opportunity to highlight to your child how differently you see things, how important your perspective is. Now, that's not to say I'm excusing harm

or something like super aggressive, but because she has grandparents who actually see things differently, I just want you to consider the perspective of you can highlight further for your kids these values that you really, really want to impart because they're no longer so passively absorbed. They're much more actively and intentionally noticed. Does that make sense?

Yes. In theory, yes. So then we go a step further because like, okay, but like how? Like obviously the things they say impact them too. So here's what I want you to consider. We're going to take it out of your kids for a second and we're going to, you know, bring it to you and your partner. Let's say you're at, I don't know, some cocktail party with your partner, only adults, okay?

And you're kind of quiet, just like, and is your partner a woman, a man? He's a man, yeah. Okay. So you're kind of quiet and someone comes up to your male partner and it's like, oh, your partner, your wife, whatever they assume you are, she's so subservient. Look at her just quietly letting you have that conversation. That's amazing. And they look at you and they're like, it's so good that you've really adopted this subservient role. Okay, then they walk away, okay?

And then you're home that night and your husband's thinking, like, that was like kind of messed up. I don't believe that. Like, first of all, maybe she's not. Second of all, like, that is definitely not the thing I'd want to reinforce in her. That seems pretty messed up. Would you rather your partner be thinking about

what he can say to that fellow partygoer? Or would you rather your partner be thinking about what to say to you to mark that experience and the fact that he sees it differently? Sure. Certainly the latter, right? Sure. Yeah. I mean, I think I would, right?

Yeah. Yeah. We do this to bring it back, and then I want to go back to the example We do this all the time we hear like a grandparent say something like don't have a tantrum like don't be so bad Like you're setting a bad example, and we're like I have to talk to that grandparent Like I have to explain them tantrums are healthy and tantrums a sign of your mental health and tantrums are a sign that you Have a sense of your need and design like all these things that I fully believe too. But the truth is whether a fellow partygoer thinks that like a woman should be subservient, it actually doesn't matter to me that much what that person thinks. What matters to me if I were you is my husband saying to me

after like, well I don't see it that way at all. Like that probably felt different. You know that's not the way we think about gender in our partnership. I'm sorry that they said that. That probably felt different. It is true, Becky. Some people do think that about women, and that's actually probably good for us to acknowledge and be prepared for. It's really not what we believe. And so let's bring that back to this situation of your daughter is, you know, I don't know, protesting, leaving, whatever it is. And she has a grandparent who's basically saying, be good, be good. And you're thinking, oh my goodness, this is like everything I don't want to pass on

to my children, this whole like good as really subservient, submissive, not having your own space. What might be something you say to your four-year-old in the car, on the walk home, whatever it is, to kind of be an equivalent of your partner to you or my husband to me, kind of offsetting, creating dissonance with the comment that was just said. So it would probably be like, you know, I noticed that your grandmother said this and I want you to know like I think you're good no matter what you're doing. So just pause there, okay? I really mean this. I felt that very like deep in my body. Like, because I think that, that is so powerful.

For me and you right now to reflect on moments in our own childhood, we're probably, we're like, what? Like, I don't, and like, how powerful it would have been for an adult, I mean, definitely a mom or your dad or whoever, right? Coming to you and saying, yeah, we didn't agree with that.

We do not see it that way. Right. Cause you said all these things are related. So, right. Maybe, you know, being good often is more equated in this world with like being female, right? There's more pressure to kind of be good. Meaning good is really just a euphemism for don't take up space, don't have needs,

don't be quote inconvenient, right? So it kind of all comes together. Oh, you know what's interesting? Grandma kind of thinks about gender. Grandma kind of thinks about your reactions to my requests differently than I do. I don't know if you've noticed that. Like when you say, no jacket, no jacket, she says,

oh, come on, be good for your sister and your mom. And I see it differently. I see it as, oh, it's really hard to leave right now. You're kind of letting me know that. And then maybe we've kind of find a fun game to make it easier. That's really different. Now, for you, for everyone listening,

okay, it's easy to be like, oh, is that like, is that something my four-year-old is going to grasp? Because my four-year-old is not going to look at me and saying, mom, thank you for this profound intergenerational moment. You just stopped a message and gave me a new pathway. Of course not. Okay. But, and your four-year-old might say to you, like, can I have my pretzels now? You know, but I really believe our kids at every age understand those communications. Because what you're talking about are messages that are different from the messages you believe, kind of being in the ether around our kids.

And you want to make sure that those aren't the loudest ones entering her body and forming her self-concept and her idea about how she needs to operate in the world. And to me, when you say to someone, I don't know about that, or, huh, grandma sees it kind of differently than I do, or grandpa reacts this way, and in our house, just in our immediate family, we do this instead. To me, the visual, I always think, is like, you have the behavior and then you have the reaction.

And instead of those getting paired together, you've created space. They're like two separate things. I always think like you're creating dissonance. It's enough for someone to say, huh, huh. Just this morning, I was at my kid's school and my son, my youngest one, was clinging to me the whole time. And he's like my most independent child. He was all like not able to participate in the activity, could not do recess.

And there were very well-meaning parents who were like, hey, go play with the kids. Your mom is doing this activity here. Go play. And all I said to him was, mom's not at school a lot, right? You just want to soak up every ounce. You can play or not play whatever you want to do. I don't really need to convince the other parents that it's okay. I don't even really need to convince my child that it's okay, but I just want to put some

dissonance in a container around those comments so they don't just kind of unconsciously, mindlessly like pass into my kid's body. If you're like me, you look for every opportunity to make the holidays less stressful. That's one of the many reasons I love Airbnb. It makes traveling so much easier. We can filter our search to quickly find a place that fits our needs. It's often cheaper than a hotel, and everyone gets their own space. I love it when we find a place with a backyard, so my kids can run around after

a long day sitting in the car. By the way, if you have a trip coming up, make sure you check out my recent episode on surviving holiday travel. I shared some practical actionable tips on how to make it a little less challenging. And if you're traveling for the holidays, did you know that your home could be an Airbnb while you're away? Tons of families do this as a way to bring in some extra income around the holidays. And you could too. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com host. I have a follow-up question which is about like the consistency with which my kids are going

to be exposed to these messages because I completely get what you're saying and it feels not different, but it's just a question I have because it's not a one-off comment, right? It's like maybe every week or something. Yeah. So for sure more complicated. And look, there definitely can be a role to talking to the other adults who have influence over your children.

But I think one of my main points here is that that's often the place we stress and focus. And to me, that's like icing on the cake. But number one isn't a place we really have any control or power. And we often miss our ability to have real impact where we can with our kids helping to digest things because here's the other point and then I'll get to kind of the repetition in the grandparents. Your kids are going to go out into the world.

They already are in the world and they're going to hear a lot of stuff. Like when we're psycho breaking, when I'm saying to my kids too, you know, all these messages there's a difference in your feelings and behavior. I'm not going to let you act this way and and I love you, and you're a good kid. And I kind of like sometimes that they don't just always listen to me right away, because I can't imagine I want them to be 20-year-olds who just like listen to authority all the time, right? And yet, they receive different messages all the time. And one of the things I think about is when they're young and in my house, like I hope, I hope they hear all of those perspectives and they go through some of those experiences early.

Because if for the first time, my daughter is 22 and she's like, mom, you know what? Like some people think women shouldn't take up space. I'm going to be like, yeah, like I've known that for your 22 years. So like I probably could have prepared you better for that. I often think about protection versus preparation. I don't want to protect my kids from anything.

I really don't. I mean, like I want to prepare them for things. That's not to say I don't also want to help them become agents of change. But I don't think any of us think that those two have to be opposed. I wanted them to prepare. And I think one of the ways we prepare them for the world and help them be agents of change in the world is actually, when they have disparate experience, helping them metabolize that and understand that. Right? So again, when I think about you being a cycle breaker, like your daughter, I really do believe this, like I think will

really absorb so many of the messages you have, because not only you live by them, you also have repeated opportunities to say, yeah, that's not the way we did things. And if they're your in-laws, maybe it's your partner who says, you know, I remember when I was your age, and I used to say, I don't want to go to bed yet. Oh, I did not have a parent come in and say,

yeah, it's hard to go to bed and help me kind of make that transition. I really did hear a lot of, come on, you're not being good, if that's relevant. And so you're actually telling this cycle-breaking intergenerational story, which is really powerful for your kids to hear. So in terms of going back to what you said earlier, like this is not just the grandparent

visit. This is our village. Like, they are fellow caregivers, caretakers, right, of our children. Like they're very, very involved. Yeah. So is that the thing that makes you wonder, like, is there an effective way to talk to them given they're around that often? Is that where your mind goes or you think about it?

Or are my attempts at cycle-breaking and reparenting, are they failing given that they're so present? Yeah, it's more like if we're being, like you say, so intentional to do this on the home front, is it then kind of going to be for not if I'm then sending her over to their house and having her be exposed to those narratives or those stories, those messages? Yeah, there's so few questions that I can answer simply.

That one I actually can. Definitely not. I have 0 percent worry. What I think is very confusing for kids is when they have different experiences. Sometimes it's with parents who don't live in the same home, they're divorced, different reasons. Sometimes it's my grandparents are really involved. Sometimes it's the school I go to every day is like, I hear this a lot.

They're like, I don't believe in sticker charts and good kids and bad kids and people writing boards, you know, their names on the boards, but the school does that. So talk about repetition, you're like, that's every day. And, you know, certainly there are moments where we think, I want these to be in alignment. I would love if the school is aligned. But another perspective, and I really, really do believe this, is assuming there's no major harm done

or worry. Those are important experiences for kids to have and actually can highlight how differently their kind of family's values are. So the school example, I think that's a school your kid is at, you're not moving for different reasons, and maybe you're like, it's not horrible, it's just very different. Like, hey, that's so different. When kids struggle in the classroom, the teacher writes their name on the board, and they have to stay for 15 minutes and miss 15 minutes of recess, right? Wow, I wonder how we'd handle that in our home. And then a kid really has the opportunity to say, yeah, you know what, I feel like it would go this way instead, like if I'm a parent, what a better way to show my child has internalized the way we do things

because they notice how different those things are. For all I know, you work with that kid, they're older, I want to go to the administration. I want to talk to them about that. I don't think shame is the best way of motivating behavior. I want to explain that to them. Talk about being like a change maker because of how solid your family home feels,

how intentional your parents are, and then you are actually prepared to notice how different things are in different environments. And I really do think about that because how cool will it be when your daughter says to your mother-in-law, whether I put on my jacket or not, I'm the same good kid. I feel like you're going to hear that one day and be like, boom. There is no article I would have sent.

There is no anything I could have said to my mother-in-law than watching my daughter say that. And I bet that will happen. I would bet on it. Cool. I believe you. No, I understand what you're saying. Yeah, that does make sense to me, the idea of really internalizing it. Yeah. And your ride's home, your ride's there. Posing questions, I think that our kids aren't quite ready to answer yet yet is one of my favorite

parenting strategies. And there's a reason for it. I think we think we ask our kids questions so we find out answers. I ask my kids questions so they learn to ask themselves those same questions. What's going to be different at grandma's house today? If you say you don't like dinner, I wonder how she'll react. I wonder how we would react in our house. Oh, that's so different. Meanwhile, my kid in the back seat, my four-year-old

is not like saying, oh, I'm so glad you asked me that. Here's my essay. No. But I promise you, you say things like that over time, your child's going to be going over. And one day they're going to just hear in their own voice, I wonder how grandma's going to react when I say I really don't want to do this activity with her. Yeah, that's going to be pretty different than how my parents react. That question, the act of asking yourself a question is actually what's protective in life.

We know this as adults. I wonder what it's going to be like when I go to this dinner where I don't know anyone. Who knows what it's going to be like, but I promise you I'm going to be better at that dinner, having wondered that on the way, than if I show up and I'm like, I don't know anyone. Who knows what it's gonna be like, but I promise you I'm gonna be better at that dinner, having wondered that on the way, than if I show up and I'm like, I don't know anyone, and this is horrible, right? If I say, yeah, it might be hard, it might be lonely,

it's gonna feel really different than when I have dinner with my best friends from college, let me just get ready for that. That's protective. And when you are asking those questions, are you then just letting the question hang? I do or I'll like act it out myself. So let's get into, we'll dip into another bucket before we end.

So we've kind of, we've covered, we've fixed gender, we have fixed goodness. So we fixed those. What was the third? We fixed those. Feelings. So. Feelings. Grandparents having a hard time with the crying.

Yeah. Great. You know, I'm wondering what's going to happen if you're doing a puzzle at Grandma's. And you're like, this is hard. I need help. This is hard. And I wonder. I mean, I wonder.

Maybe, like maybe if that was our house, I would say, yeah, it is hard. No, I'm not going to finish it for you, sweetie, because I know you can do another piece or two if you want. And I believe in you and this is just frustration. Everyone feels frustration. I wonder if Grandma will, maybe Grandma will say that. No, she won't, come on. No, I say, Becky, come on, no.

I wonder how she might say, oh, oh, oh, no reason to cry. Here, here. That's so different. Oh, that's so different. In our house, teaching you how to manage that feeling really matters, which means not taking away from you. At grandma's, you know, she thinks about feelings differently

and it's not bad, it's not better, it's different. So she'd probably finish the puzzle for you. Huh, that would be really different. Anyway, sorry, I've been talking to myself for a while. What song do you want to put on? That's how I, that's how it would be. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like the act of noticing and wondering in front of our children, it's really what helps them build their own kind of like mentalization capacities, the ability to like kind of think about your own mind state and other mind states. That's really what you want your daughter to do. You want her to be at a different house and be able to say like, this is different from how we do things.

That's really it. That's so protective. This is different. This is not really what we do in my house. And so wondering, noticing, it's not even judging. Because again, like not the way you and I necessarily would do things, but it doesn't seem like there's any active like harm or aggression or meanness involved. It's different, you know, different generations thinking about things differently.

Exactly. Because again, what's a win is one day she's going to say, you know, what we said she might say to your mother-in-law, but like the day she comes back to your house and says, you know, when I'm upset, grandma, like says such different things than you say, you'll be like, you're so right. You really noticed that. Tell me more. Maybe she's like, no, that's it.

But like that will come just from really building that awareness. And that awareness to me makes us less porous to anyone else's influence. It just makes us more think, okay, someone said something that's outside me. Do I want to bring that in or do I not? Because at the end of the day, that's how we really determine what influences us. That makes a lot of sense to me. And I think speaks to the nervousness I've had, which is that all of these messages just infiltrate her too.

And then we're doing battle inside of her somehow to win the message war. Exactly. And I think that then the main thing to of end with and to me is really actionable because actually doesn't have to be so grand. It's just reminding yourself like these noticing statements. Grandma says different things about feelings, right? Yeah, she does, huh? Right, or you're reading a book and again,

maybe it's about similarly a kid who is really, I don't know, their parents always want them to be happy. Oh, that's kind of like how grandma can be, right? Like that's a little different. Like we may say this instead of that. Anyway, all those little comments, I feel like each one of them, when I think about those moments, they take 18 seconds.

They're not long. They add that dissonance. They add that layer of protection so it doesn't just flow in. And it has such a bigger influence than it seems. And I'm 0% concerned that your intentionality will kind of be muddied by this. I actually, I really mean this. I see it being accentuated. I see it as an opportunity. That's great. That's very reassuring. Thank you. And this is really what I was hoping for because we have our own relationship with them as adults, but I'm really thinking about

her and it's exactly what you say. With any adult other person you're trying to negotiate with, you have such little control, but that's especially true with your in-laws. So it really is. That's the ultimate truth. The ultimate truth will end on that. Well, thank you. Definitely.

Like I always love to know kind of circling back, like how things go and how you feel in those situations because you're going to be able to turn your focus from like, what do I have to do with my in-laws? Which can be very anxiety producing because you're right, it is just kind of powerless. Like we kind of know that too. Oh wait, like I can do something small with my child that will actually have a really, really big impact.

I think that will feel really empowering. It's true. Those individual moments are overwhelming and they catch me off guard. In the moment afterwards, I'm always like, oh, I wish I had said something, come up with the exact right thing to say in that moment to interrupt it. It's just impossible. The kids are always screaming.

It's just not going to happen. A hundred percent. Going back to what I said also, knowing you're so detail oriented and, right? And probably then so focused also on the moment someone says something separately, differently than how you would want to portray to your child. It also is possible your kids aren't registering when they're screaming and running around without their jacket.

It might not even be as massive to them as you hear it. So I think the combination of that and knowing, yes, after a day later, you can always say that thing, hey, that was different than I would have said. So I think the combination of that knowing yes after a day later you can always say that thing hey that was different than I would have said that's where the impact is. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question go to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Write me at podcast at goodinside.com. Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world.

And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share Good Inside membership, the first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like-valued parents. It's totally game-changing. Good Inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise.

Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julia Knapp, and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Eric Obelsky, Mary Paniko, and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside, Even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.