Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Revisit - What No One Tells You About Parenting

Episode Date: November 15, 2022

This is an edited version of an earlier episode.Becoming a parent is really hard. And part of what makes it hard is the unrealistic narrative about what parenthood should feel like. In this episode, Dr. Becky has a real, say-it-how-it-is discussion about parenthood with one of her favorite new friends, Myleik Teele. While no podcast episode can single-handedly make parenthood any easier, this one will help you feel less alone in all the tricky moments that are sure to come.Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2AFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

It was so tough for me because I didn't expect to not know myself at all. Like I didn't expect to just feel like I was constantly standing outside of myself. Parenting is really hard. It just is for me too. And I think part of what makes parenting so hard is that people don't talk about it openly and honestly. But today, we are. Right after this. Hey Sabrina, hey.

So I've been thinking about toys recently. I don't want the toy to do that much of the work. I want the toy to inspire my kid to do the work because actually the toys that get really busy and do a lot of things, kids actually lose interest in so quickly. Oh, totally. There are certain toys that my kids have just played with

throughout the years. I have a six year old and a three year old. Like what? So I have these wooden blocks from Melissa and Doug. They're super simple, just plain wooden, no color. And my kids love them. They're always building kessles or like a dinosaur layer. And then my oldest will tell my youngest

to like decorate them after he's built this crazy cool structure. My go-to's are Melissa and Doug too. I feel like we have this ice cream scooper thing that my kids use when they were two. And then they used again when they were developing better fine motor skills. And then for my kind of four year old,

my seven year old, still using it in imaginative play. I really only like talking about items and brands that we actually use in our own home and Melissa and Doug. I just don't know if there's any other brand I feel so good about naming the way that their toys actually inspire creativity and open-ended screen-free child-led play. It's just unmatched. And like what's honestly so exciting is to be able to offer

everyone listening to this podcast, 20% off-visitmelissaandug.com and use code Dr. Becky20DRBKY20 for 20% off your order. Melissa and Doug, timeless toys, endless possibilities. I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. I'm a clinical psychologist. I'm a mom of three, and I'm on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. I'm a mom of three and I'm on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children. Today, I'm talking with Myleek Teal.

She's the founder of Curlbox, a mother of two young kids, and just an all-around, amazing human being and sturdy leader. And we're going to get real with you about parenthood, about some of the changes you go through, about what kind of struggles you might have, and what all parents really need in their registries. And no, not your baby stuff registry, your emotional registry. Let's get into it now.

I wanna talk to you about self, what happens to you as an individual. It's all about your birth plan and it's like, but what about you after this? What about your relationship, the couple, and the baby because it gets wild. Yeah, it's, you know, I don't know why I'm thinking about this conversation that we're gonna have

is like the emotional registry. Ooh, the emotional registry, and what are you putting? Like, what do you need? Yeah, and how much time do you need to spend on that? Because it's probably more than whatever time you need in the product registry, probably. Definitely. Definitely.

Definitely. So, let's start using our time. Let's jump into the emotional registry of the transition to parenthood. Okay. Let's talk about the self. And I think the biggest thing is just this deep sense of loss. It's the best way to start because we expect the opposite weight loss. Did you miss, but I, I don't know, having a baby, that's plus one, right? And you're like, yeah, yeah, no, no, me and you both had the plus one and the plus two, I have the plus three. And a hundred percent, this is a two things are true. There is a lot we gain when we have a baby.

And there's a lot we lose or that we have to fight to keep. What did you have to fight to keep? Or when you think about that, what do I still have to fight to keep? It was so tough for me because I didn't expect to not know myself at all. I didn't expect to just feel like I was constantly standing outside of myself. Sometimes it's the physical changes, but it's just this thing of this schedule now,

the crying. It's like, I didn't realize how much I should have valued how quiet my house was. And so it's like, it's the crying, it's the feeding, it's the schedule, is he getting enough sleep as brain development. And then this constant prep for the next stage, and it's just like, where am I in this?

And I promised myself that I wasn't going to become like super mom, you know, everything about me. It's not going to be about being a mom. I am going to be my own woman. I will get back in my heels. I will wear my jeans. And it was this constant daily fight of like, but my feet hurt. I can't. Yes. And just for everyone listening, right? I know my leak and I, this is not like a fear episode. This is not like, don't, don't do it. You know, everything is lost.

No, but knowledge is power. And I always think that feelings are hard enough to deal with, that if we layer on surprise or, oh, I didn't know I was going to feel this way or is this normal or nobody told me this or nobody talks about this. So I must be weird or a I was going to feel this way. Or is this normal or nobody told me this or nobody talks about this. So I must be weird or a bad mom to be feeling this way. If we add any of those elements to the already hard feelings, well, that's what balloons them into impossible feelings. So for everyone listening, this is meant to help you prepare.

So when inevitably hard moments come, or we're going to get more into this idea of what really feels lost or what do I have to fight you prepare. So when inevitably hard moments come, or we're gonna get more into this idea of what really feels lost, or what do I have to fight to keep? At least you'll be able to say to yourself, I totally remember two moms talking about this. So I'm right there next to them. Okay, this feeling stinks and it's hard, and there's nothing wrong with me for feeling it. Yes, because you'll look on social and you'll see everyone looking happy.

And it's like, why is that not my experience? Exactly. So this idea of loss, right? Loss of quiet, loss of, loss of time. Time. What was I doing with my time? My husband and I raised a joke. We were on the subway one day. And we were like, with our time. My husband and I are always joking. We were on the subway one day. And we were like, with our baby, like going somewhere,

doing a million different things. Yeah. And we were looking at each other being like, what did we use to do on the weekend? Right? And we were like, I feel like we did like brunch and shopping. Like is that what? I feel like that's made up like eight hours.

I don't even know. Like we'd go get eggs and we'd like peruse a store. Like, what happened to that? What happened? Yes. And it's not to say you can't do that, but what does that require? Planning, a nap schedule, a sense of, okay, well, the baby might wake up if the baby's with me.

Can I ask a parent? Do I have a parent nearby? Do I have anybody I can trust? Oh, I don't. Like, it involves so much. And it's important when you have a baby and you have that weekend to be prepared for, my weekends feel really different.

And I can love my baby and miss having brunch. I can love being a mom and miss the quiet. I can love feeding my child and miss the time when I had no responsibility to feed anyone else, but myself, both are true. And the more we can get in that mindset in advance, I'm just gonna have many feelings and they're gonna be mixed.

It's not gonna be all from the good, amazing bucket. And I think you're right, there's this glamourization of, oh, my baby means everything. So we really need, it's like, yeah, it's just laugh. Just stop, just stop, right? Yeah, totally. I'm sometimes I'm like, I'm just glad you've established, like, that's not exactly like my vibe.

I'm just not gonna spend more time in the like, parenting is just amazing space. Like, we've established that because parenting is amazing and parenting is so hard and becoming a parent really means that the things that used to feel good for us just us we have to really make efforts to preserve that so my leak what would you tell a mom? And it's not always this concrete, but the first couple of weeks, if they know they're gonna have some loss, how can they preserve something that's theirs or for them? Something that I did the second time around

because I didn't know that it was, the loss was going to be so strong. Is that I really had a plan going into the second child and I really managed sort of like, who I wanted around, how often I wanted them there, and I recognized the privilege in this. But I made sure that I had my food planned because I had someone come,

who did the grocery shopping. There was just always food for me and the refrigerator that I didn't, you know, I didn't have to do anything, but either heat it or eat it, sell it. And I even planned for postpartum massage, just trying really hard to just ground myself, and then I just broke some of the rules. I think motherhood, there's this laundry

list of, do this and don't do that. And I was like, you know, I've kept the first one alive. I think I'm going to really do what I think is going to work for me and I did. And something else that I did is I've been in therapy weekly for nearly a decade, and I just kept my sessions. And so it was just like, you're responsible for the baby when I have this 45 minutes. And son of my skin, out on my front porch,

zooming with my therapist, and I'll never forget this compliment. She's like, you look like the most well-rested new mom I've ever seen. And I'm like, because I am serious about this, this time around. Yes, having time for yourself after you've had a child is a battle, especially when they're a baby

and they're so unpredictable. So especially with your first kid, right? The idea that, oh, if I want to eat a salad, if I want to have a bite of a sandwich, that actually might be hard to do sitting down by myself. Yes. And so is it therapy? Is it taking a walk?

I think often about how many people want to get you baby gifts. And for everyone right now to think, should I be saying those people, honestly, I'd rather you sign up for a day and bring me a meal. Yes. Maybe I'd rather that, or I'm gonna ask saying those people, honestly, I'd rather you sign up for a day and bring me a meal. Yes. Maybe I'd rather that, or I'm gonna ask half the people,

do I really need the this toy and the that toy, right? If I can't afford to have someone cook my meals, could I tell someone that's actually what I would like as a gift, a day of dinner? Yes. And then I don't have to worry about it, so I can get that time to myself, so I don't have so much loss,

because now instead of, oh, no, what am I going to eat? I might be able to take a long shower. And thinking in advance, I actually think about all the babyguess I got that if someone else had given me something that kind of sustained me and that would have allowed me to take that walk or watch that show or do something else really just for me, maybe exercise. That would have given me so much more. But I think something we should, I wanted to say and definitely get your thoughts on this,

is that there is something about motherhood that I think the idea of sacrifice, that you're not a good mother if you're not running yourself, rag it and letting people know, I'm doing laundry, I'm doing this, I'm doing that. And I know that there is a level of guilt around like you should never look relaxed or you should never look refreshed. Like you should look like you're struggling because that's kind of what it is.

You know, I've seen some new moms who were like, yep, the babies with grandma and I'm going to the spa, you know, and people you can see in the comments of like, you know, this is crazy one time before you ever met me and I had my first kid. I wrote about how I was taking care of myself and how I think I left him. I think he was maybe two, three months and I maybe went for like a day out of town.

And someone emailed me, how dare you leave your kid behind when you beg to have these kids. And I was just like, first of all, who are you? But it just made me think how many people actually deal with this from strangers or family members where they feel like if they're not sacrificing, they aren't being good parents. Wow. I mean, this is so important. Yes. And we need to get rid of that idea of good

motherhood means self-sacr sacrificial motherhood or even the idea of selfless like to me that's the most disturbing idea. As a parent, as a sturdy leader, you want me to be without self. Like how am I going to do anything running around in circles? I know it's not good for me as an individual and I can say definitively, it's not good for your kid. It is not good for your kid to have a leader who can't be located because they are seriously running ragged. So, yes, we need to change this. The first thing I would ask people to reflect on is, what do I know about my relationship

with my own needs? It always goes back to this. How do I feel about the fact that I need things for myself? Does that make me kind of have a panic attack? I know so many women who say to me, my life would be easier if I didn't need things for myself. Does that make me kind of have a panic attack? I know so many women who say to me, my life would be easier if I didn't need things for myself. We've learned this. If I could just care-take and fill myself up

by pouring myself out, life would be easier. It doesn't make sense even visually, right? But we've been taught this. And so, to the degree, taking care of yourself away from a child leaves you with guilt. I think it's really powerful to consider like I didn't come out of the womb that way. There's no way I came into this world thinking I want to have no needs. I want to just do for others. That's something we've learned through our family of origin, through society, through gender roles, through traditional ideas of motherhood, so many different things. And

we can't, in one fell swoop, unlearn that. But we can get curious about our discomfort. So I would say to parents, is it's really important to be curious about that guilt, rather than read the guilt as a sign that you're doing something wrong. That discomfort is probably a sign you're doing something new. It's very new for me to say, yes, I love my child and yes, I need time away because I actually do have needs for myself that aren't fulfilled by taking care of others. That's new. And whenever we do something new, that's uncomfortable. So that's the first thing. The other thing I would say is you really did get an email from someone

criticizing you, but so many of us determine our actions by what we fear other people are thinking. Yes. Like no one even says anything. What would this person think? What are my mom friends going to think? If I don't show up to the play group because I say, oh, actually, I needed to do this thing for myself. If we're going to get into the thoughts and minds of other people, we might as well make them work for us. I always think that. We're making it up.

Right. So I have so often imagined myself when I've gone away for a weekend or I've just said, I need to go do this thing for myself. I will imagine the people around me being like, you go girl, you are setting a great role model for your child that I love you and I'm there. But you know what? Sometimes I need to be there for myself and that's important too. I actually make up that they're cheerleading for me. We might as well. Right? And I think that's really powerful to say, yeah, I'm not going to that mommy and me group. I'm going to imagine the other one saying,

you're an inspiration for me because I know you're a great mom, I know you. And you're showing me great moms. Don't quote, do it all, they don't run themselves into the ground, they pause and take care of themselves. You're inspiring me. You might as well make up those thoughts and it can really then feel empowering

instead of kind of so crushing. Hey, so I want to let you in on something that's kind of counterintuitive about parenting. The most impactful way we can change our parenting actually doesn't involve learning any new parenting strategies. The most impactful way we can change our parenting is by giving ourselves more resources so we can show up as sturdier so we can show up as calm amidst the inevitable chaos. It's what our kids need from us more than anything else. This is why I'm doing my mom rage workshop again. I'm doing it again because it is one of my most popular ones to date.

It's coming up July 19, but no worries if you can't make it live. It'll be available as a recording for whenever you have the time. I promise it's really the best investment we can make not only in ourselves, but also in our kids. Can't wait to see you there at goodinside.com. I feel like in your relationship, you don't know the person you're with until you enter this new parenting relationship. And all of a sudden it is like, who are you? Did I ever know you and you and I were talking about in ways to prepare having some conversations, like what are the real conversations that you should be

having besides middle names, names and so on. So now we're doing emotional registry for the couple. Yes. If you're with someone raising your child, great. You get to know someone. Let's say you have a partner. You get to know them. And I think the part that's surprising when we raise a kid is, oh, I am just watching your childhood play out.

I am literally watching the way you were raised. Yes. Play out now. And I didn't know all that. Like I was living with 30-year-old you. I was living with 40-year-old you. I was living with 25-year-old you. Wow, I just watched the first 18 years of your life happen.

Yes. The way you reacted to our kid. I just watched the way your parents parenting you. It's not even conscious. It's not. And we, we really learn so much about our own childhoods and our partners childhoods when we have a child. So often in my private practice, people will be talking to me, but I really struggle to, to stay calm when my kids crying or my baby's crying. I know they're just a baby, but oh, does something in me. And if I say something that's so concrete to them as, I wonder how you are responded

to during your tough moment. They'll say, I don't remember, right? We've such a limited idea of memory. Right. You don't remember with your words. Oh, you just live that memory. Yes. That memory came out.

If you have a hard time maintaining a sense of groundedness and sturdy leadership when your child is dysregulated, we know from your body circuitry, it's the best evidence we have. Wow, it must have been really, really hard for my parents to stay grounded when I was in a state of distress. And so what did I learn to do as a child? Shut down, shut down, go away, go away, go away. What happens when my child cries? Shut down,

shut down, go away, go away and we try to make it all go away. Yeah. And I know so many people with their partners, it is hard to watch this because some of these issues never come up until you have a kid. They don't. They do not. And I remember bringing my son home and like I said, the crying. I started to realize with my partner that he was raising a way of like positive. Everything, you know, if there's crying, if there's sadness, like everyone's

working so hard to get back to the happy place. Get to the happy place. Yeah. So it's like how fast can we like stop the crying, how fast can we feel better, how fast can we stop arguing about whatever it is that I'm doing, you know, and I think the difference between he and I is that I had done all of this sort of like work in therapy. And so I kind of knew maybe this would be my natural reaction. I'm always sort of like playing through what else could I do or, you know, how can I stay

calm? And also just not being like understanding that baby's cry. I think I want to know a couple of solves from you because this is what I was talking to you the other day. what I was talking to you today. And I was like, okay, so what is the conversation that we can have with someone before we're using the flow app and planning? What do I do? Yes, so I'm going to take a page from the Gottman's book. The Gottmans are just expert, amazing data driven couples therapists who have an amazing blog with a million resources and amazing

books to read with your partner. And they really get to the essence of how to communicate, how to connect. So they have this concept called love maps and I love it. And they say, we really need to become expert in our partners love maps. And not from the perspective of fixing

it, but really just getting to know it. So how might that look in advance of having a child? That's a great conversation like you said, my leak. Hey, let's just talk about the fact that babies cry. Okay, how do you think your parents dealt with you when you cried? Yeah.

Who had more tolerance? Who couldn't deal? Who avoided? Who got to happy? Who avoided? Who got to happy? Who yelled? What about, okay, let's make up a situation. You're in a toy store, buying a present for a cousin for their birthday, and you start wailing on the floor as a three-year-old saying, I want this to what happens.

You go first and then I go first. Of course, we don't really remember, but my guess is every single person could probably say how their parents would have responded. Yeah, let's learn about that. And if a partner is like, why are we talking about this? I think you can be very direct. Well, a couple of reasons. First of all, where bringing a child into the world, and it's really important, we know as much about each other as possible. And we can want to parent a certain way. And that's logic in our brain. Separate from that is how we were parented. And actually, how we were parented impacts how our body develops circuitry. And that activates before our thoughts. It can overpower. So even if we want to do things one way, if we don't have a baseline understanding of how we were responded to, we really won't have the foundation

to even do things differently. And I know we both want a parent in a way that's respectful and blah, blah, blah. So there's no criticism. There's not, well, I'm saying this because I think your mom was pretty bad. We both know that. No, this is a connection building exercise.

And what's your role if your partner does open up? Really, I'm gonna be very concrete here. I'm so glad you're sharing that with me. That's really important. I bet that didn't feel good for you. I know you don't even consciously remember, but maybe I had something similar. I'm sure that didn't feel good for me.

Also, wow, we both wanna do things really differently than our parents did them in that respect. Not, hey, what are you going to do about that? We don't want to make this, you know, a me against you situation, just really safe and connected at first. Yes. And then I think also other conversations with your partner, who changed diapers? Who washed bottles? Who knew the schedule? And if there were rigid gender roles, surfacing that now is really important

because if you want to do things differently, then we have to know for ourselves what the gender roles were. And for our partner, just because someone says, well, my dad never changed diapers. It doesn't mean for me, I would say to my husband, well, I guess you don't have to change diapers, right? No, but it gives me an understanding that when I get frustrated, I wish he would change

more diapers, let's say. If I can say to myself, yes, and he's breaking cycles right now, I do want him to do more, and I can talk to him about that. Let me just soften for a second thinking every diaper he changes is actually a really big shift. So let me go in, yes, with my desire, but also with my foundational understanding. Yes, yes. Okay, so emotional registry, self encouple, and now I want to talk about the baby emotional registry, and all the food like, yeah, let's just talk about that. Yeah, because it's like kind of the most important. food like yeah let's just talk about that. Yeah because it's like kind of the most important.

Why isn't there ever anything that tells you that you will spend most of your day before you go to bed? The moment you wake up thinking about 700 meals of your kids going to need that day, is there any nutritional value? Will they still like it this time? Did they get enough? I think the food. The food. The food. The food. It's really true. I think I have 10 minutes of my day where I'm not thinking

of my children's foods are having to do. I really think those 10, those are my Zen meditation minutes. The other moments, it's, when you have a baby, they eat constantly, right? People need to know that too. Like, oh, the feeding is good. Yeah, yeah, not in the beginning. They're eating, they're sleeping, they're eating. They're eating. They're

eating. It's on the edge. It's, it's, it's constant. It's constant. And, and then, okay, you might think, Oh, I don't have a baby anymore. It's either, right, I'm ordering food. I'm wondering if I have food. I'm cooking food. I'm giving food. I'm making new food. I'm cleaning up. And then I'm giving my child the same plate. I swear it's two minutes later, evidently hours have passed. But now we're eating new food. Now we're having a snack. Now we're cleaning that. And then you get to those maybe 10 minutes

or maybe those 10 minutes are spread out the day. And you're like, why do I feel lighter? And you're like, because I'm not thinking about food. That's the only reason. And then you're back to thinking about food. It's never ending. It's never ending. And so the second time around, because I know

that there's so much feeding and when they're small, it's like, they, it's so slow, is that I made this Netflix playlist of just stuff that I knew I'd want to see, because you're going to sit down and it's just, it takes a while. Yes. It takes a while. Yes. And these images of like, I'm just just gonna stare into my baby's eyes and just it's gonna be so amazing for like 10 hours of a day, right? Great. Do that when that feels right. Rest feeding, bottle feeding, anything can connect with your baby.

But also it's just a lot of hours. And in the beginning, right, let's do some truths about babies, right? No, let me say just for the record, I feel like, babies are amazing. You just produce this tiny human it popped out and like it's amazing and there's so much love and there are these amazing moments. Yes, and.

And I'm gonna try to think who's gonna say it first. Babies are not fun. We said, we are not fun. They're not fun. Babies are not fun. They're not a party. Okay. No one's at the disco.

It's just this ball of dependency. Yes. If you like people being heavily dependent on you, there's a part of this that you will enjoy. But if you are fiercely independent and you're used to doing your thing, this can be really hard. I think that is something we wanna underline for people

because having a baby is hard and exhausting for everyone, right? For moms, for dads, for everyone involved. And there is this kind of temperamental difference I've noticed. And when you spoke to, if you kind of like dependency, let me just say, there's nothing wrong with that. And, right, at all, if you're someone who you, you really love

caregiving. Yes. You love having someone close. You love your a cuddle or you like that closeness and you're thinking, Oh, baby on my chest, I love holding babies. It's still going to be hard. It's still going to exhausting, but the baby stage, will speak to some of your strengths. And there's a different kind of temperament where you're thinking, I am someone who actually even likes the people around me to be a little bit more independent. And what's really interesting I've noticed

is that baby stage is a little bit extra hard if you're someone who likes, like you said, a little bit more of that independence. That doesn't mean you're a bad mom. That doesn't mean you're gonna have a horrible first year, but going into it, kind of doing a self-assessment. Where am I? And Miley, I think you and I, and it's just two people,

sample size of two right now. We're similar. Yes. Right? I did not cry when my babies were done. Breastfeeding or bottle feeding. I didn't know. I was like, oh, are you gonna miss this? I was like, no, I'm not cry when my babies were done. Breastfeeding or bottle feeding, I didn't know. I was like, oh, are you gonna miss this?

I was like, no, I'm not. Yeah, yeah. But other people are like, I'm really gonna miss that. Nothing wrong, we're all different. And so just to know where you are on that helps that emotional registry preparing for a baby. I was just thinking it would be really amazing on your emotional registry to go into the baby stage

with a mantra, like to literally have a mantra prepared for yourself. Yes. And practice it before you need it. Like have it as an alarm, and you're gonna read it maybe when you're pregnant or you're not even pregnant yet and you're thinking, I don't really even need this mantra yet, but we need to practice things

when we don't need them to access them when we do. So it could be any mantra, right? But I'll give a few. This feels hard because it is hard. Mm. It's okay that I'm not enjoying this part of parenthood. My connection with my baby right now

is not predictive of my connection with my child later in life. I really mean the baby stage was so hard for me. I know I've told you this. Every day at like 4 p.m. and I live in New York City and I had all my kids kind of like during the fall. So by the time it was like September, no October, November, like 4 p.m. gets like dark and it's that time of the day. And you're like in between, I'm just like cry every day. I really would. And I'd be like, I don't even really know what I'm crying about, but I know it didn't feel great. And I don't cry at 4 p.m. now. And at 4 p.m. I wasn't in the, oh, I'm just loving mother, but telling myself the way I feel right now, it's not predictive of how I'll feel down the road. It's also not predictive of how I'll feel tomorrow morning.

It's really not, yes. So reminding yourself, I'm allowed to feel what I'm feeling. How I'm feeling now isn't going to last, and it's also not a barometer of how good of a parent I am. That's so key to go in with that. Okay, a couple of other selves when it comes to a baby. We don't have to stop babies crying. We don't have to have any tricks

to get them to become the single most powerful tool is our calm presence during our child's distress. I'm going to kind of say that again because you need to and it's amazing. Yeah, and it's like kind of one of those things, sometimes like the simplest words are also it's like the most complicated concept. When are kids are crying? When are kids are distressed? The most powerful tool we have is our calm presence. Why? And then what does that really look like? Calm presence because I feel like we got to be concrete about that. When our child is really crying,

a baby, and you don't even know why, we have to assume something's upsetting them. And they can't regulate it. The feeling in their body is overpowering their ability to regulate that feeling. Yes. And what's kind of an inconvenient reality is that kids come into the world, fully able to feel and not at all able to regulate.

And I just think growing up is trying to close that gap as much as possible. So they feel everything, they're hungry, they're uncomfortable, they need their diaper changed, they have gas, whatever it is, we're not gonna know, assume it's something real. And remind yourself, what's my most powerful tool? Keeping my body calm, because our kids feel our energy

and they feel whether we are able to stay grounded when they can't. And when we are, that's literally the foundation for them to learn regulation. There's literally like a three words I'd put in an arrow. Disregulation, which is a very fancy word for crying, melting down, right? Just being all over the place.

That comes first for a child. How do they get to the last part, which is learning to regulate? Through something called co-regulation, which is literally the process where I can't stay calm, but my parent can. And for everyone right now to imagine, our kid is absorbing our calm. And what that really says to them is, this feeling that feels so overwhelming to me, must be manageable because my parent isn't thrown off.

My parent isn't scared of it. So what does that really look like? Practicing deep breaths. That should definitely be on everyone's emotional registry. It sounds like BS. Yeah, how many times can I hear about a deep breath? It's really a thing. Yeah.

Like really breathing into your diaphragm. I'll model it here. And out slowly. Something I practiced a lot of before I came, before I became a parent and I've taught my kid. It's to really imagine a deep breath as if you're breathing in slowly, like smelling a delicious cup of hot chocolate. Okay.

And breathing out, like you have a straw, but you don't want to breathe out so fast that you like blow the marshmallows. But if you had a straw, it would be very slow because it's a trick. When we can do an out breath that's slower than our in breath, we activate our parasympathetic nervous system, which is our calm down system.

It's the opposite of the type of fight or flight breathing we do, which is like this. Right. Right. So just making your mouth like a straw, tricks your body and going out very, very slowly. After you've calmed your body, you can access words and a tone like this. I'm here. I'm right with you. I love these words, and again, they're so simple for babies. Something doesn't feel good. I believe you. I'm right here with you. I really mean it.

None of us are mine readers. I never knew. Most of the time, what was upsetting my child. But if when changing a diaper, when putting in a stroll, or I could say, first, I take that deep breath, Becky. And then I say, something doesn't feel good. I believe you, I'm right here with you. I am literally building probably the most important skill

a child will ever learn, which is the skill of emotion regulation. Yes. And I always feel like when I center myself, I show it better. It is this kind of paradox. The less attached we are to our kid coming down, and more focused we are in just keeping ourselves calm. Actually, the faster a baby does come down, because they feel that sadness from us. At every single age, we understand intention and the idea of someone respecting us at every age starting

from birth. At every age, best thing about it, because we've talked about, you know, how hard it is, how, you know, difficult it is, all of the upsides, because it is worth it. And even these feelings that you have, they don't last, but they will come. They do come. I think that's right, look, and to me one of the best upsides that I also think is not often talked about,

is I really think that if we go into parenting with kind of an open mind, everything in this, our kids teach us way more than we teach them. If we dedicate ourselves, we heal things, we find new parts of ourselves. We find our capability. We become more compassionate with ourselves. When you notice, well, I'm so hard on myself.

Why, where did that come from? How can I shift that? And then we can give that to our kids. And you watch your kids grow and you watch yourselves grow. And that's like the best feeling ever. Thanks for listening. To share a story or ask me a question, go to goodinside.com slash podcast. You could also write me at podcast at goodinside.com.

Parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world. And parents deserve resources and support so they feel empowered, confident, and connected. I'm so excited to share good inside membership. The first platform that brings together content and experts you trust with a global community of like valued parents. It's totally game-changing.

Good inside with Dr. Becky is produced by Jesse Baker and Eric Newsom at Magnificent Noise. Our production staff includes Sabrina Farhi, Julianette and Kristen Muller. I would also like to thank Eric Obelsky, Mary Panico, Jill Cromwell-Wang, Ashley Valenzuela and the rest of the Good Inside team. And one last thing before I let you go. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle and even as I have a hard time on the outside. I remain good inside.