Good Inside with Dr. Becky - Should I Praise My Kid?

Episode Date: September 9, 2025

Praise always feels good in the moment. But does it build confidence that lasts? In today’s episode, Dr. Becky shares some surprising research on praise - and what it tells us about how to affirm our kids in more effective ways. You’ll learn exactly what to do to build your kid’s self-esteem in both high and low moments.Get the Good Inside App by Dr. Becky: https://bit.ly/4fSxbzkYour Good Inside membership might be eligible for HSA/FSA reimbursement! To learn more about how to get your membership reimbursed, check out the link here: https://www.goodinside.com/fsa-hsa-eligibility/Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterFor a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast.As soon as one of my kids sneezes, I know it’s only a matter of days before the whole house is feeling under the weather. With kids at school, they seem to bring home every sniffle and sneeze imaginable—and I’ve accepted that’s just part of parenting.What I don’t accept anymore? The frantic 11 p.m pharmacy runs - when everyone’s already miserable and all we have is a half-used bottle of who-knows-what from who-knows-when in the pantry. Now, I make sure to stock up **ahead of time. And I always look for Mommy’s Bliss: They’ve been making safe, gentle wellness solutions, like their Organic Baby and Kids' cough syrups, for more than 25 years. That means an ingredient list you can actually understand: no high fructose corn syrup, no dyes, no artificial sweeteners, and free from the top nine allergens. Their Pain & Fever medicine is also a staple—it’s the first-ever Clean Label Project certified acetaminophen - and safe for infants.Find Mommy’s Bliss in-store and online at major retailers. Your future self will thank you.There’s always a moment - maybe two weeks into the school year - where I stop and think: “Wait, wasn’t summer just five minutes ago?”Suddenly, we’re back in the rush of packing lunches, signing permission slips, and struggling to find a pair of matching socks every morning. That’s why I’ve started looking ahead to fall breaks now.My go-to for quick getaways? Booking an Airbnb. It’s a reset that still feels like home: games and toys for the kids, a big living room for family movie nights, and even bunk beds that kids claim are “way better than our beds at home.”Plus, do you ever think about how you can host your own home on Airbnb for another family to enjoy while you’re away? It’s a great way to earn a little extra income to put towards your own trip, school supplies, or next season’s cleats. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/hostYou know that feeling when you're in the car, on your way to drop-off, and you're just trying to get your kid to eat one bite of their breakfast? Or when you’re on the way home from school, wishing there was a volume dial to turn down the meltdown happening in the backseat?The back-to-school season is a lot, and moments like this are tough. That’s why I'm so excited to share that I teamed up with Chomps for a "Carpool Q&A," where I answered common questions from parents, like: What do I do when my kids fight constantly in the car? How can I help ease separation anxiety at drop off? And, what's the one song that's guaranteed to brighten the mood in my car? (I shared a personal favorite, and trust me, it's a good one....)Because let’s be honest - car chaos is real. And when you add a hungry kid to the mix? Forget it. Chomps has got you covered on the snacks: Their meat sticks are easy to stash in backpacks or glove compartments and are a good source of protein, so you’ve got one less thing to stress about mid-commute. And Good Inside has you covered on everything else.To watch the full video, go to goodinside.com/chomps.We’re coming up on the third anniversary of my book, Good Inside - and to celebrate, I’m doing something I’ve never done before.If you sign up for a Good Inside Membership between September 11th and September 13th, I’ll mail you a free copy of the book as a little gift from me to you.Think of it as a Sturdy Leader Starter Pack: the book gives you the core ideas of my approach, and the membership helps you bring those ideas to life every day. You’ll get tools specific to your kid and your family, access to parenting coaches, and even a chatbot trained on my method - so you always have somewhere to turn when questions or big feelings hit.If you’re a parent who wants to feel more confident, less alone, and is ready to break old cycles, this is the perfect moment to dive in. Go to goodinside.com starting on September 11th through September 13th to sign up for a membership and get your free book, and look out for an email from us to confirm your shipping details. I can't wait to hear what you think!

Okay, quick pull. Raise your hand if you want your kid to feel good about themselves. I'm looking around in my studio with no one else, but I'm thinking about you. I think all parents have their hands up. We all want our kid to feel good about themselves. That's the outcome. Now, the how becomes really interesting. How do we raise a kid so that they actually feel good about themselves? And what might help a kid have a moment of good feelings but might get in the way? of them feeling good about themselves long term. And yes, we're going to be talking about praise. Now, quick disclaimer. There's a lot out there. Oh, they say, I'm not supposed to say good job. I'm not supposed to tell my kid that something they did is impressive. If there's one thing,

we're really against that good inside, it's rigidity. This is not a don't say good job episode. Sure, keep that in your vocabulary here and there, all good. I want to really get to something deeper to really think what is confidence really about? How can we build it in childhood in a way that actually is still useful to a kid in their teenage and adult years? That's the really important part. And here's something surprising about praise. Research shows that certain kinds of praise might do the opposite of what we intend.

One well-known study by the great Carol Dweck, a Stanford psychologist who spent Decades studying motivation and resilience found that when kids are praised for being smart, they become less likely to take on challenges and more likely to give up after a mistake and more afraid of failing. So interesting. But in the same study, when kids were praised forever, noticing their persistence, noticing how they're trying different strategies, almost separate from outcome, they become more resilient, more confident, even when things get hard.

Okay, so what does this all mean? Praise is nuanced. It doesn't mean we have to memorize some scientific, complicated equations, say this, not this. But what I promise you're going to get today is something so grounding. a deeper understanding of what it really means to feel good about yourself and also some very practical I can do this today tips on how to start building true lasting confidence in your kids. I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this.

My kid kills it on the soccer field. And you can clearly see how much he loves being praised and how much he loves being really good at something. But with his schoolwork, especially reading and honestly any kind of homework, it's like I have a completely different kid. He will give up so easily. He whines. He even collapses. So I'm wondering, how can I get him to build that confidence in his schoolwork the way he has on the soccer field? this is such a good question and I just want to start by saying we don't have to be so scared of praise something's happened where it's like oh I'm not supposed to tell my kid who's amazing at soccer that they played a good game and then we feel so weird and kind of artificial with our kids

so of course when our kids are naturally good at something when our kid scores a goal when our kid has a good grade when our kid builds that block tower they've been working on and it finally doesn't fall down I just want to say it is totally fine to say to your kid amazing job that's so cool whatever that is, that sounds natural to you. Having said that, let's zoom out and think a little deeper. So here's my kid who's playing soccer, maybe for a couple years, is getting to be really talented. Maybe they're good in defense, but maybe they're the one scoring all the goals, which tends to get a lot of attention. And so my kid is playing these games on the A team, scoring goals, and then they hear the following from various people on the sidelines.

Oh my goodness. you're the best player on your team. Oh my goodness, you scored three goals. Sometimes people say things like the team couldn't win without you. You're the best player on this team. Now, again, we're not going to judge whether we can say those things sometime or not. Let's just think about what circuitry is building in our kid. My kid puts effort towards something.

Because any kid who's scoring a lot of goals in soccer, they're trying hard. They're trying hard. They're probably practicing hard. they're working on their moves, they're being aggressive, all the things, and then the goal goes in. They have put forth a lot of effort, and they have a result. Okay. Now, in a kid's body, they're trying to figure out how does the world work? How do I get good feelings about myself?

They've put forth this effort, they're scoring the goals, and then you know what starts to get layered next to it over and over? Praise. You're the best soccer player. That was the best game you ever played. You've never scored that many goals against an opponent. The team couldn't win without you. So what starts to get paired together is effort and external validation. Again, we don't have to be extreme and say this is all bad.

But if that's a pattern, then what a kid can easily learn is I don't get good feelings about myself from my effort or from my process. I get good feelings about myself from positive validation from other people. Almost like we take away temporarily a kid's ability to get good feelings about themselves from the fact that they're working so hard or trying their best even in the moment that they kicked a ball wide and it didn't go in, right? So now let's go to reading. Working hard at reading. it just takes so much energy so much effort you have to figure out you know the letter the letter

sound english has so many weird rules about how things come together there's so many mistakes you are putting forth effort and if in the same kid's body what they have learned over the years is i get good feelings about myself not from my effort not from the way i put energy toward things not from the way i persist even when something is hard but i have learned that i get most of my good feelings from other people's comments about myself. Now I'm in a reading situation and I'm going to be this kid. I'm a little like, I'm sorry. Where's the person telling me I'm brilliant? I'm sorry. Where is the success in reading this chapter perfectly without any mistakes? I am the kid who's the best at soccer. So I should be the kid who's best at reading. I am the kid who does something at

soccer and everyone kind of comes to me with some version of an applause. I am in my room trying to read alone and I'm sorry, where is the applause? And then, the moment with the reading, it feels hard, not only because reading is hard, but because it is so different from the other moments where I've learned to get good feelings about myself. And that's the thing that makes me spiral, not just the fact that the task is hard, but the task is hard and I am now almost deprived of the things that have always made me feel good. Okay, so now what? There are small shifts we can make a huge difference.

I want to go back to soccer because I actually want to start. start intervening a little bit differently at soccer as a way of helping my kid build confidence and frustration tolerance and persistence with academics. So my kid finishes the game. They score 20 million goals, whatever it is. And everyone around them, oh my goodness, you won the game for us. You're amazing. You're going to go far.

Now, I don't have to say to my kid, that doesn't matter to us. We don't have to say these artificial things, but here's something that could lead to a shift. I hear everyone telling you how amazing it is that you scored so many goals and I saw those goals, don't get me wrong, so cool. And when I look at you, it's funny, I actually don't see a kid who scored six goals in one game. I see a kid who has been working so hard all week in practice.

I see a kid who went to our backyard yesterday and did extra practice. I see a kid who was such a good sport to the other people on your team. I see a good kid who stayed calm when you miss that penalty kick and that's the stuff that just really stands out to me about the game. And I just had to tell you that.

I am building a new circuit which says, what matters and where I can get good feelings about myself isn't only from positive comments from other people and isn't only from success. It's from effort. It's from persistence. It's from the stuff I actually

have control over on the inside. Now, am I saying the next day I expect this kid to stay calmer when they're reading and feel better about themselves? No, psychological change doesn't happen overnight, unfortunately. But do I know I am building the foundation to then transfer that to an academic setting where external validation isn't coming and things aren't kind of coming to my kid as easily? Absolutely. My daughter is one of those kids who's good at everything. Straight A's, top athlete in two sports, and people are constantly telling her how amazing she is. She loves it, and honestly, I get it.

Who wouldn't like all that attention? But what's going to happen when something isn't easy? I'm kind of bracing for that moment. Any thoughts? This is another great question, and it actually makes me think about so many kind of 20-something. I've seen in my private practice. And here was kind of the stereotypical profile. It was very similar to this.

Straight A student. Captain of the whatever sports team. Also, social, really good friend, kind of the kid who seemed to have it all together. Class president started their own club, got into a really good college, honestly did pretty well, got the job. And then why was I seeing?

so many 25-year-olds who had this kind of ideal linear path really struggling in their mid-20s. Okay, again, we're going to zoom out. When our kids are younger, we can really focus, and I'm not above this, we can really focus on each moment that we see on the surface. It's so easy to think the kid who gets the A's is going to be happy. The kid who is struggling and not getting as good grades is going to, to have a hard time feeling good about themselves.

All I want is for my kid to be the captain of the tennis team because they've worked so hard, get into the first college of their choice, be invited to every party because we somehow have been told that that short-term success and happiness is the best thing for our kid. Now, I do not wish bad things upon any kid.

I am not wishing your kid doesn't become captain of the tennis team if that's been their life goal. But this is something I think about a lot with my own kids, and it's something I've thought about, especially since I've seen so much this in my private practice, how is it that so many of the kids where every single thing goes their way, even with effort, not naturally, collapse in different ways in their 20s, not all of them, but some of them. And if I'm going to be really honest here, and I always promise you I'm going to do that, I think about myself. I was

one of those kids where I worked my butt off as if my self-worth dependent. on every single test I took, and any test that was below a certain grade erased everything I had done until that point. And you know what happens, people like me, to people like this girl, to those people in my private practice, eventually you enter a more complicated world than high school and college. And in that world, it's not as linear. It's not as controlled. and often there aren't as many concrete metrics of success, or if there are, you're actually not winning at all of them. You're just not. You're not the first one of your friends to get promoted.

You're not making the most money. Oh, my goodness, my friend is getting married before I am. Do I even want to get married first? I don't even know if I do, but I've always been the one who accomplishes everything before everyone else around me. I am not hearing from my boss at work every single day that I'm doing a good job, even though every single day in high school, I was used to getting a grade where maybe the grade didn't tell me you're doing a good job, but that's kind of what it felt like it was saying to me on that piece of paper. And so I have built up a sense of self in the way I call outside in.

I do things. I look outward. I see the result. I see the impact. I hear the words. And I say, oh, great. I can take that from the world and bring it into my body and feel good about myself. and not only feel good about myself,

but it kind of becomes the person I am. It's like my identity is formed almost outside in. And then we all hit a time, often it's in our 20s, or like, the world stops cooperating. The world is not feeding me the way it used to. I've said this to so many parents and it might surprise them, but if I think about my three kids, I would say one of them especially,

in childhood just had a ton of accomplishments, a ton of doing things first, and a ton which happens of people kind of around us commenting how smart that child was, how amazing that child was, how special that child was. And what surprises people is when I say the child I am most concerned with in terms of their long-term self-worth, confidence, resilience, grit, all the things I actually really care about, is that child. I think about a different one of my kids. Speech struggles in the beginning, had to really work to even learn how to talk, a lot more hesitant, wasn't kind of the star of the show all the time. Now, short term, I know we can deal with kind of pain around that. I don't worry for that child's self-worth. That child has been forced to build self-worth

inside out the world isn't just gifting me good feelings and so i better learn to find them inside my body and so this is not a moment to panic and again this is not to say your kid who gets those good grades who is kind of the star athlete who's winning the chess tournaments whatever it is we don't have to put those people down that's not what i'm saying what i'm saying is the stakes even higher for those kids in terms of what we talk about, what we ask about, what we notice, what we comment on, what we talk about around them that we think they don't notice, but oh my goodness, they hear what we say to our friends, and that kind of tells them every moment who they are and where they should get their good feelings. And so with those kids especially,

this might sound weird. It's almost like we have to think about them as a fragile group from a self-confidence perspective because they can so easily take it from the world. And we want to shift that. So they're prepared for adulthood when the world is just not going to cooperate in the same way. So if you're wondering about how there are so many different things and obviously it's not like one specific thing is going to make the biggest difference, but I also want to make sure you know how to get started if you're thinking I have a kid like this. Let's build some momentum, them, right? I would start paying attention to the questions you ask. I think about questions as a road. I actually think about this in all relationships. When you ask someone a question,

you're kind of saying to them, do you want to walk down this road with me? When we say to our kids immediately when they get home, what do you get on that grade? Oh, what reading group are you in? Who else is in that reading group? Is this person in that reading group? What we're kind of saying is the road I want to walk down with you is one of competition and best and first and achievement and outcome. Very different question could be tell me what you did at recess. What was the best part of your day? It was the worst part of your day. Who was nice to you today? Who were you nice to today? What was hard today? There's so many other questions, but I would just start paying attention to the questions you ask as a communication of kind of what the family values in that kid.

Hi, Dr. Becky. It's Sam. I'm calling in because everyone is always telling my daughter how beautiful she is. And my daughter honestly loves hearing it. It's so obvious. But me, I'm cringing inside the entire time. There's so much pressure on women to be pretty and social media is really starting to freak me out. Am I overthinking this? Is this something I should be doing differently? Or am I just supposed to go with the flow on this? I don't want a kid to think their worth is tied to any one thing, right? Or any, even two things. If my worth is about being pretty or my worth is about getting A's or my worth is about being funny or my worth is about being amazing. at drawing, no matter what it is, what we're saying is your worth is defined in a very, very

narrow way. And then, ironically, kids will put more energy into that because who doesn't want to be more affirmed in feeling worthy? And then, of course, as soon as that thing becomes into question, now it's like, well, I haven't really felt good about myself in any other way. I don't really have a big well of good feelings about myself to draw on. So when I go through puberty and I start having acne, when people stop liking me, when I'm in an awkward phase, when nothing's changed about me. But I actually am just not paying attention to any of the other things that could be interesting about me. My sense of self becomes very fragile. And that might come out as a ton of anxiety or kind of depressive feelings or just feeling so focused on one narrow sliver of who

I am at the detriment to kind of the wholeness of what's really true about me. And look, I think this is an especially tricky time we're raising our girls. Social media is a really powerful influence in terms of an outside in definition of ourselves. Sometimes I think what social media is is a way of saying, let me show you who I am and you'll tell me if I'm good enough. Let me show you who I am and you'll tell me if I'm interesting. Let me show you who I am and you'll tell me if I'm likable by how many likes I have. Let me show you who I am and you'll tell me if I'm included enough, have enough belonging. Everything is defined. Well, am I in that snap group? Did people like my picture? Am I included in the group versus the picture someone else posted that they were

all together and I wasn't there? There is such pressure for everyone, but definitely our girls for this outside in way of defining self-worth plus on social media, we know our girls are flooded with images of other girls, other women that have a very, very narrowly defined sense of what beauty, but really of what worth and identity look like. That's dangerous. And often one antidote to that is what we do in our home, what we talk about in our home, what we ask about in our home, how we respond to our kids when they ask us kind of poignant questions. Does this look good on me? It's a great question to just double click on. It seems like such an innocent question. Yeah, it looks good on you. Does this look good in me to me? There's a lot going on.

I put on an outfit, and I picture myself now, I don't know, I'm eight, I'm 12, put on an outfit. And my question, does this look good on me already says something? My job is to put something on myself that looks good to other people. I am already fairly oriented outside in versus, and I know, and it's okay. If we all have a little bit of an eye roll, really does anyone think like that, but they do, and it's possible to shift it a little. Does this feel good on me? Do I like this outfit?

Does this feel like something that makes me feel like a good version of myself? Very different. So I'll start you off there as a way of shifting it. Does this look good on me, Mom? Hey, Dad, does this look good on me? You know, the thing I want to say back is how something feels to you

is more important than how it looks to others. Let me tell you something. If this is the first time you say this, it's not going to like it. What an annoying response, just tell me. Does it look good? And I would, I would push it a little. Look, it's actually a trickier question than you think.

I think the most important thing as you grow up is for you to figure out even around clothing what you like, what feels like you, what feels like an experiment you want to take. What makes you feel going out of the house, like the best, most excited version of you? And the idea that I would know that for you better than you would know that for you, I don't really want to participate in that message. And so I know this answer is annoying.

And I know you've asked me this question a million times before, but right now I'm shifting my answer a little bit. Show me what else you're thinking about wearing? What do you like about that? What is something that excites you? What feels good? What are you going to do today? How do you want to feel in your clothing while you do that?

What matters? Tell me more about it. What I'm really doing with my kid is even with something like clothing and appearance, instead of making it a 100% gazing out experience, I am actually helping recircuit their body to a gazing inexperience. Oh, what do I like? Oh, I do have PE today at school. What would I want to wear during PE to be comfortable?

Do I like to have colorful clothes? Do I like simple things? What do I like and why? If I can tell you about the young women I've seen for decades in practice, the idea of knowing what they like has almost become terrifying. What do I like? Who do I like? I'm so focused on if that person likes me.

I don't even know if I like that. I'm so focused on if someone likes what I posted, I don't even know if I like it. I'm so focused on other people thinking my outfit is cute. I don't even know what I prefer. That's what we really want to shift away from. And so look, we can't control what other people say to our kids. So if other people are constantly saying to your daughter, oh my goodness, you're so beautiful.

Oh, my goodness. Look at you. Oh, my goodness. You're so pretty. Again, we don't have to spiral. We don't have to look at that person and say, stop orienting my kid outside in. You might want to whisper something to your kid after.

A little bit just to have. kind of some dissonance with how that comment gets ingested. You're so much more than how you look. Look, I see a kid who, yes, is very beautiful. And I see a kid who's so nice to her siblings and who's working so hard at math right now, even though math is getting really, really tricky. I see a kid who's become really interested in biology.

I see a kid who still lets me cuddle with her at night and read a book together. I see all that too. will your child say back to you? Thank you for preserving my self-worth. I really value that. No, your child will probably roll their eyes. That's okay. We can take it, and I promise you a decade later, it will have a profound impact on them. he cannot function without my constant approval. He's always saying things like, did you see that? Was that good? Do you like it? And it's really nonstop. And it's driving me nuts. So I'm wondering, is this normal? And is there something that I should be doing differently? So this is a great thing to notice. My kid is doing something, whether it's like my young kid is

building a tower. I don't know. Maybe my slightly older kid produces some drawing. My older kid is working on some math problem. Okay, is there anything wrong with our kids coming to us and say, look what I did. No, I do that all the time too. Sometimes we're really proud of ourselves. We want to show someone else. We kind of want to see reflected in their eyes, how impressed they are that we did this thing. Of course, that feels good sometimes. Okay, so again, you do not need to worry that your kid asks for your approval, ask you to look at things, ask in some ways sometimes to say, good job. We don't have to think in extremes. Of course that's allowed. And I think what this parent is noting is this pattern I've seen a lot with families, too,

where parents are saying, it's almost like my kid can do nothing on their own. My kid is constantly coming to me to make sure I've seen what they've done. Do you see me kick that goal? Do you see me that I can do my left foot? Tribbling, watch. Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot. Wait, wait, watch again. I'm going to do it more.

And a little bit you're thinking like, I'm sorry, I don't want my whole life to be gazing at my child and say, that's amazing, that's amazing, that's amazing, that's amazing. And I think it feels annoying because in some love on our body, we know something is off. I want my kids when they do something amazing to, of course, want to share that with me. And I want my kids sometimes to do something amazing and to feel like it's enough to know that for themselves. And then, usually when you know it for yourself, you keep going. You don't even know if that's the finished product. It's the difference between, look, I built a tall block.

isn't that amazing? And then watching your kid build a tower and you're watching thinking, I think that's the tallest tower they ever built. Wow. They're adding to it. I think that's the tallest tower they ever built. Wow. They're adding to it. They're walking over. Wait. Oh, they're making a sign. They've never put a sign with the tower. Oh, that's so interesting. They're getting a stuffed animal bear and a fire truck. What are they doing? They've become so almost enveloped in this world and so excited by things inside themselves that they are not looking for an endpoint and a stamp of approval. They are looking to continue creating. They're almost enthralled by themselves and what that can lead to instead of stopping for praise.

Here's one thing I want to give you that I think starts to help a kid build that circuit. So I remember, a moment, many years ago, that my daughter brought me this thing she painted. And I know I'm good at some things I can say without a doubt. I'm just not a good artist. And I know someone's like, Becky, you could work on it. Maybe that's true. But I'm just telling you right now, stick figures at best, okay? So I saw this thing my daughter did. And truly, I was in awe. I was like, I literally don't even know how you did this. Where did you get this talent from? I know it's my husband. But still, it was just incredible. And of course, it felt natural to just say, that. That is amazing, or this is the most beautiful painting I've ever seen.

Okay, and again, if I say that, my chastising myself and I messed up my kid, no, we say that sometimes. But there was something about that day, I was on my game. And this is what I ended up saying to her. Because let me just tell you, this painting was really interesting. It had this rainbow part where the colors and she kind of knows all the colors of the rainbow, they were very different and they kind of melded together in this interesting way. here's the first thing I said.

How did you think to make the rainbow like that? And I want to tell you what she did. She lit up inside and just started telling me about the idea she had and something that had happened at school and something she saw at the playground and had that made her think about something and that led to the rainbow. And did I notice because it led to that

that this color and the rainbow is actually the same color as the grass. And she told me her story. If you think about anything a kid does on the surface, it is always a much smaller representation of a process that lives inside of them. Any art that's produced is this single entity. It came from a kid thinking about something and debating things and what color should I use and should I do this or this. And actually, I don't want to do that at all. And maybe they had done four things before the thing you ended up seeing. Any tower your kid builds, same thing.

They were thinking, they were weighing decisions, is that going to knock it over? The math problem your kid is working on. What did they have to think about? What do they learn in class? Did they have to challenge themselves? Did they erase it? There is so much happening and living inside your kid's body that ends up getting represented in something outside their body.

And when you say to a kid, great job, that's amazing. Something really interesting happens. not damaging your kid but it's a conversation ender you did the bonus math problem great job oh yeah thanks amazing job with that painting i know right that's a tall block tower yes it is it's actually a conversation ender i want you to hear this kind of question starter how did you think to how did you think to make the rainbow that color how did you think to include a teddy bear and a fire truck with this tower and tell me about this sign. Huh.

How did you think to start the bonus problem? I know it was optional. How did you get to that answer? I'm seeing like a lot of work here. Now, parents often say to me, Dr. Becky, isn't my kid going to find that annoying? No. There is nothing that feels better than someone being curious about you as a person,

about someone wanting to know more about your process, right? Think about decorating your room and you totally changed everything. And think about the friend who says, this room is amazing. It looks beautiful. Okay, again, it doesn't feel bad. But think about the friend who said, wait, how did you think to have that wall color with that carpet? And now think about how that feels when you get to tell your whole story.

When someone says, how did you think to? what they're kind of saying to you is I see something real and interesting and valuable inside of you that's actually the real thing and whatever I'm seeing on the surface is just kind of a manifestation is a representation but I'm actually more interested in the you in the process in what led to this you want to know what helps kids become confident it's when people around them are really interested in their thought process in what they did before in how they got to a certain point. Now, if this is new, your kid might look at you weird, they might be like, that's kind of a weird question. You can say something simple. Yeah, I'm just

really curious to learn more. I can tell a lot went into this. Instead of just focusing on the painting, I want to hear about everything that went into this. Tell me more. And I think what's going to happen and what you're going to see in your kid is going to feel really magical to you and to them. So I know we've been talking about confidence in kids, but I just can't help myself. And every time I talk about something that's helpful to build in a kid, I do. I just think about you, the parent, and how it is never too late for us to access the same things we're trying to grow in our kids. And I just have a feeling you might need to hear, you are more than everything you do. You are more than anything you accomplish.

I think one of the reasons it feels so important for us to tidy up our home, for us to be the first sign up on the bake sale is in a way, maybe we've developed circuitry that says, I need external accomplishment or external recognition or praise for me to get good feelings about myself. And I guess I feel like we all deserve a moment right now of knowing your worth, it lives inside of you. you have a lot of interesting things you're working on and thinking about that are much bigger and more valuable than how they get represented on the surface. And I want to make sure you hear that. Now, if this has sparked something in you and you're thinking, I want more and I want to talk about this more because this is such a hot topic, I want to make sure you know, yes, I have an amazing rethinking confidence workshop in our membership and our podcast club in membership is the best

place to talk to other parents about how to apply these ideas or what it makes you think about in your own childhood or anything in that range. Let's take a moment to ground ourselves before we transition into the next part of our day. Place your feet on the ground. Place a hand on your heart. And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, we remain good inside. I'll see you soon.