Good Inside with Dr. Becky - The Power of Picture Books with Tamron Hall

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

In this follow-up to last week’s Calling All “Good Girls” episode, Dr. Becky dives deeper into embracing the role of the “inconvenient woman.” What begins with a simple “I want my coffee my way” moment evolves into a powerful realization: Identifying, owning, and articulating our desires as women can be incredibly uncomfortable. Dr. Becky encourages all self-identifying “Good Girls” to reflect on what they truly want for themselves and to embrace the inconvenience that comes with pursuing it.Do you want to learn more about how we're celebrating being an inconvenient woman at Good Inside? Check out the link here: https://www.goodinside.com/lp/inconvenient-women/.Get the Good Inside App by Dr. Becky: https://bit.ly/4fSxbzkFollow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinsideSign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletterOrder Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books.For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcastTo listen to Dr. Becky's TED Talk on repair visit https://www.ted.com/talks/becky_kennedy_the_single_most_important_parenting_strategy.Today’s episode is brought to you by Ritual. You know that feeling when you’re going a million miles an hour, jumping from one thing to the next? You’re trying to finish an email when you remember the laundry’s still in the washer, your kid is shouting about needing poster board for a project due tomorrow, your pone won’t stop buzzing, and—oh, great—you forgot that tonight is parent-teacher conferences. Sometimes, life is just… a lot.Stress doesn’t have an off-switch. And we can support our body’s natural response to it. That’s why I love Ritual’s Stress Relief, featuring BioSeries technology. It’s designed to work with your body to help manage everyday stress.If you feel like daily stress is taking a toll on your body and mind, you might want to give them a try. Get Ritual Stress Relief and save 25% on your first month at ritual.com/goodinside.Today’s episode is brought to you by Airbnb. Traveling during spring break can feel tricky because we can’t necessarily take time off work when our kids are off from school. And trying to join a Zoom meeting from your hotel room or your in-laws' kitchen doesn’t always feel great. This is why I love Airbnb when we travel–I can find a place with plenty of room to spread out, including a desk or table for dedicated work time, making it easier to have dedicated connection time with my kids. And, if you’re thinking of traveling for spring break, consider hosting your home on Airbnb, too! It’s a great way to help offset the cost of booking one yourself while opening up your space for another family also traveling! Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com/host.

I'm with Tamron Hall. I'm with Dr. Becky. And we are about to go on stage together. So excited. I'm super excited. Let's do it. I'm a little nervous, but I'm with you. You know what?

We can be excited and nervous and brave all at the same time. I love you. Just like our kids. Yes! Perfect. You know that feeling when you're going a million miles an hour, jumping from one thing to the next? You're trying to finish an email, and then you remember the laundry's still wet.

And then your kid is shouting about needing poster board for the project due tomorrow, your phone won't stop buzzing, and oh great, you forgot that tonight is parent-teacher conferences. Sometimes life is just a lot. Stress doesn't have an on-off switch and we can support our body's natural response to it. This is why I love Ritual's Stress Relief, featuring BioSeries technology.

It's designed to work with your body to help manage everyday stress. It contains ashwagandha, L-theanine, and saffron, which combined can help us feel calmer, happier, and less overwhelmed by everyday stress. Ritual uses clinically studied traceable ingredients so you know exactly where they come from. Plus, as a B-Corp, they're committed to both people and the planet.

If you feel like daily stress is taking a toll on your body and mind, you might want to give them a try. Get Ritual Stress Relief and save 25% on your first month at ritual.com slash good inside. I have to say, I mean, I do kind of feel like we're at the club, but like we're the cool kids because we're talking about something that matters. First of all, congratulations. Thank you. How does this feel? I mean, it feels surreal.

I've always been obsessed with children's books. I feel like my best moments with my kids come with children's books. I can tell a version of my own story, a memory I have. When I kind of read something that kind of evokes something, I know my kids feel less alone through kind of watching other kids go through the same things they go through.

And honestly, it was the good inside community who I feel like sparked this and saying, we want more good inside our home. We are trying to do this. It's a new language. And books are a way to hear yourself say words that you might not come up with in the moment, especially when you're stressed, like we were just talking about. And so the fact that that idea, my love for children's books, now comes from this moment to this moment,

and I see it right here and I'm talking to you about it, I'm just so excited to get this out to the world. When you wrote the last page of this phenomenal little book, but powerful book, what did that feel like? You know, I haven't been asked that question, and it actually, it was kind of this moment of conflict with the actual last word because my favorite moments with my kids are when I tell some story of struggling when I was a kid. And I feel like there's a way when you tell a story like, you know, when I was your age,

I saw a kid have some stickers in her cubby and I took them, right? If my kid's, you know, kind of in a stealing phase or something like that. And to me, the most powerful thing is when you tell the story, you kind of feel this connection with your kid. And then I always tell parents, if you do this,

do not cheapen the moment by saying, but then I never stole again. And we all do that, right? And you're like, well, you just totally ruined that moment. And so I ended this book. And it's interesting you asked me in a way that felt authentic. There's kind of a moving on.

There's not some tied up with a bow moment. There's not, and then Charlie and Pia never hit another child or never did anything imperfect again. It kind of felt like an extension of what would happen in my house. Like I'd intervene, I'd set a boundary, I'd connect with my kid, I'd connect with my other kid. And then I kind of trust that you can move on in the moment

and you don't have to take all of the years of parenting and put it into a 30 second lecture to your kid. Don't know. I do not recommend. I'm learning how to do that. My marriage either. I told you it was a spicy spicy evening. Don't know we're gonna go. So at the end, I think you know, and then I talked about it with my team. And this honestly, I feel like is something I've led with as like this feels right.

Like it just, it feels right, not because it's perfect and right, but because it feels authentic and true to what happens. And so I think I finally felt settled at the end by saying this just feels true to a kid and a parent's experience, even if it might not look like another children's book. I love that you said true to the kid and the parent's experience. You know, I wrote Harlem Honey. A lot of people believe this is a love letter to Harlem. And in

truth, it's my son was incredibly shy. He was just shy of his first birthday when the world shut down. And as I share it with you, when we emerged, I had a when the world shut down. And as I shared with you, when we emerged, I had a confident kid in the home and then I had the kid at the birthday party who was hiding behind me. I went through the rush of embarrassment. I'm not my kid. Wait a minute, I'm on TV running outside and my kid is in the corner and he's frozen in fear. We used curiosity and adventure to bring this side of him to the surface and allow for conversation. That's what this book is about. Hitting has a similar tone to it for me. The embarrassment you feel the first time someone says your kid hit someone, or that first moment on the playground when everyone says, whose kid is this? Who owns this one?

And you believe, oh boy, this is a reflection of my home or my life or our family. Take me to the realization and the call to tackle this one, which is a tough one. It is. And I think people have asked me of all the topics of your first children's book. Why hitting? You know, and I think there's a couple of reasons. I think about from years ago, before I had an Instagram account for any of this, I'd be seeing parents in my private practice and I would see Everyone was different, but there was a lot of the same version of a story two kids and there was one kid who was the hitter and

Then there was one kid who was kind of the victim and the version of a first consultation Would often sound the same like I need to protect my kid and this book it would be Pia He is getting hit by Charlie. Pia is such a good kid, and she would never hit her brother and Charlie just keeps hitting over and over. What do we do? And how do we get Charlie to stop? And how do we protect Pia? Now, without a doubt, the Pia needs protection. Okay, it's true. No one needs to get hit over and over, of course. But what I

always feel very deep down is Charlie needs protection. Like kids who act out need protection from forming an identity as a bad kid. Like they really need an advocate because when they act out, they're struggling to get grounded, they're struggling to kind of access the good inside them. And

they need an adult who sees it and knows they're not a bad kid doing bad things. They're a good kid having a hard time. And we don't have to choose. Both kids are good kids and both kids need protection. And I found myself over and over being kind of such a champion for kids who were, I think, labeled as bad kids in their family, in school. Because I feel like those kids don't necessarily have someone who really has a voice saying, this is a good kid, they need skills, they need boundaries. And if we can't see the good inside our kid, they're not going to be able to access the good inside them. And I think that's why this topic really hit me. I think it's so relatable. I was just flying back from New Orleans just a few hours ago and I landed with my son. He was on tour with me. And this woman said to me, oh, he is so curious.

She had no idea who we were because we look like ninjas because we've been fighting floods in Florida and coming here. And I said, oh, that's so interesting. I said, he's very curious. He's very precocious. We let him, you know, ask his questions. And she said, to his age. And she said, this is so true. And I just got off a parent teacher call. And I, she didn't say anything else. I knew. And she then alluded to one of her kids. And I thought, what are the, is this a plant? I was like, is this, is actually a cut you're still doing punked?

How is this possible that this complete stranger on the plane with a six year old alluded to this very thing of the labeled bad kid call. Yeah. That for parents, let's just unpack that a little bit. Yeah, I think this is really common, really kind of goes deep back to our kind of childhood. And I think it has a lot to do with the essence that is the good inside approach. We see bad behavior all the time. This is actually what really compelled me to become a psychologist.

I was just like, why do good people do bad things? Not just kids, all of us. We all do not so great things. Why do I yell at my husband, even though I know it's just that I had a bad day at work, and I'm taking it out on him, and I know better? Why do I scroll on my phone, even though I definitely know better than to do that at 10 PM when I said

I would have an early night? We do things all the time. And I think the thing to activate is curiosity to try to understand that. Because I think one of the things our brain does as a trick kind of is we see bad behavior, our own, I yelled at my kid, or our kids, my kid hit. And we immediately short circuit because it's the easiest thing to assume bad behavior means I'm a bad person, or bad behavior means my kid is a bad kid. And I don't

think we actually think that so consciously, but it happens so fast. Behavior and identity get collapsed. And then we're in a mindset where my kid almost is that behavior. And then of course, if our kid is a bad kid, you're going to lead with control. You're going to send them to your room. You're going to be in a threat state yourself. You're feeling like, oh my goodness, my kid is the enemy and this is all bad. And I do this too. We fast forward 20 years, right?

Probably not the only one is like, my kid's a sociopath and they're going to be hitting people when they're 30 and they're going to be in jail. They're going to have no friends. And in reality, your kid's like two. Right. And they like are frustrated that their friend is playing with the blue blocks. Right. And as I've said a million times, but to me, it really can't be overstated. Kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills. That gap explains 99.99% of that behavior. And we've always kind of punished in some ways,

the kid and the feelings. You're overreacting, go to your room, stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about. There's no reason to feel jealous as if the feelings are the problem, but the lack of skills have always been the problem. And I think in this audience right now, if we think back to a hard moment in our kind

of early years, I think probably a lot of us would say, maybe I don't remember the details, but if I hit, if I said to my dad, I hate you, I don't think my parent would have necessarily in the moment differentiated, hold on. What Becky is really saying is I'm very disappointed I can't have a sleepover tonight. That's actually all she's saying. And she's also basically telling me, as a seven-year-old, I don't have the skills to manage that disappointment.

And so it's exploding out as I hate you. And I think kids are almost pleading, please don't take my words so seriously. They're kind of just a sign, I don't have the skills I need and I'm struggling. And I think that's at the core of this book. I mean, that's honestly at the core of your book and of what we try to do to kind of have a different mindset.

I don't have a bad kid doing bad things. That's my assumption when I take behavior and identity and collapse it. I have a good kid who's having a hard time and who actually just really needs my help. You gave the example of words. In this case, this is an action. Yeah. And what's even, I think, more challenging to process for parents is that it's an action against someone else's kid. Yes. And it's difficult not to escalate to, as you pointed out, who am I, who is this in my home, you know?

And, oh, wow, when will this stop? Yes. So let's talk about that. Great. So a couple things, right? Because I think one of the things you just named, when will this stop, is something I call the fast forward error. I think we all do this.

We do this in our adult lives too. We have a bad day and we kind of fast forward, I'm going to be like this all year. Or for kids, we see their bad behavior today and we kind of have this time warp. We do just assume it's going to go on and on and on. And when we do that, we actually respond with all of the anxiety of that timeline Like I fast forward ten years and I'm actually responding based on anxiety and fear for a decade

Which is very different for me the even the anxiety and fear I might have in a moment Right, and then we say things and by the way people say to me. I always think it's funny right? And then we say things. And by the way, people always say to me, I always think it's funny. How are you so good at acting out what parents say? I was like, you think I'm acting out? Like, go to your room. What's wrong with you? Because I say that to my kids. I'm not so sophisticated. We all short circuit and we all say those things. Right? And so to me, there's a couple of things we can do. Number one, I think with anything we're going through with our kids when they have this kind of pattern of not great behavior, it's powerful to ask ourselves, like, am I setting up my kid for success? Because this is something with hitting.

And I was just talking to a teacher about this, and they were talking to me about the kid who always with the principal office, Bobby. How is his name? Bobby's always hitting in circle time. Well, Bobby, Charlie, their kids are in a hitting stage. I had two of my kids when they were younger, were in a hitting stage. Is it called the hitting stage? I call it that. I don't know. We can call it that together.

You know, and I actually think the power of that kind of phrase is stage. Our brain doesn't think in terms of stages. It thinks in terms of eternity. Like, I don't know if y'all remember if you have toddlers now when your baby all of a sudden wasn't sleeping through the night and you're like, I'm never sleeping again. Right? And then they were and you're like, my baby's an amazing sleeper. Everything just feels like the truth. Right? And like, both are true, right? They're sleeping and they're probably not going to sleep tomorrow night and they'll sleep again for a week. Right?

So a stage to me, one of my favorite mantras for every difficult stage is this, this is a hard stage, and I'm going to figure it out. And it kind of puts me back in the moment. And it reminds me of something really important, our capability, like we can figure it out. And going back to setting our kids up for success, like if you right now think of a hard stage your kid is at, maybe it's hitting, maybe it's pushing, maybe it's I hate you, maybe it's always having a meltdown when you have to take

them on an errand that's not fun for them, whatever it is. A lot of our kids get in predictable stages. And I used to be like this too, and we're surprised by it every time. We're like, that's Charlie hitting again. And I feel like someone on the outside will be like, Charlie's been hitting for like kind of a couple months. Like we kind of knew that was going to happen. And I think one of on the outside will be like, Charlie's been hitting for like, kind of a couple months,

like we kind of knew that was gonna happen. And I think one of the big things that happens in this book that I wanted to really illustrate, because in my workshops and stuff, it's powerful to teach, but I think it's so powerful to illustrate is the power setting a boundary. Right? So this is what I always hear from parents, Charlie's at a hitting phase, and I'd say to Charlie, stop hitting. And I and I'd say to Charlie, stop hitting. And I'd say, we don't hit.

And I just, I don't know about you, but I picture yelling at my husband and being like, Becky, we don't yell. I feel like I have some choice words to say that would not be helpful. And the truth is, assuming we don't hit our kids, our kids know we don't hit. It's like this weird language we've developed. And again, we're here in New York City. I picture if your kid was running toward oncoming traffic, you wouldn't be like,

Charlie, we don't run toward oncoming traffic. We don't. And if you do that again, you're gonna lose dessert tonight. No, we would just pick our kid up and not let our kid run into traffic. And even if our kid was yelling, let go of me, you I don't think in that situation, you'd be like, OK, I'm going to respect your words.

OK, you'd be like, you're not in a position to be making good decisions. Like, and I love you so much that I'm willing to make a decision for you, even if you're kicking and screaming like our kids do sometimes in public, because your immediate reaction to my boundary in no way is a barometer for how effective my intervention actually is. And so I think one of the number one things that happens here in this book is you see a parent when the hitting happens step in swiftly. I think this can be a moment we say together, we're not going to say we don't, we're not going to say, please stop.

I always picture a four-year-old being like, you're watching me hit and not being able to control myself and your best intervention is to ask me to stop doing something I'm not able to stop doing. It actually feels very bad to a kid. They're like, where's the adult around here? Right? And then I think when we step in swiftly,

that also means this is important. We don't count anymore. I mean, I'm going to count to five. We all do this. And all we're really saying is, I'm going to count to five, and I'm just going to let myself get super frustrated after you still don't do the thing. And again, I picture my kid being like, why are you counting? Is that a thing humans

do? I don't picture a great CEO being like, I'm going to count to five and if you don't stop interrupting me, I'm going to take away your lunch for today. It would feel pathetic. You're just going to mute the person on Zoom if they're really interrupting. And so I think this idea of just mute the person on Zoom if they're really interrupting. And so I think this idea of boundaries while staying connected, which is kind of core to good insight, it's not soft. I don't particularly think it's gentle. It's just not a word that resonates with me. It's not harsh. It's respectful. It's sturdy. And it really all comes alive here. Interesting. Respectful and sturdy. Yes. Because we are talking about this action of explosive physicality and you're trying to meet it where it is.

Some people believe, oh gosh, if I escalate or this is going to make the situation, my kid will only become more volatile if I step in or present as the strong parent. Yeah. Let's talk about that. Let's talk about it. Yeah, so I mean, I think we've really kind of poorly defined what it means to be a strong, authoritative parent. How do you define it?

To me, the word sturdy really does embody everything we do at Good Inside. And the reason I like that word is I feel like words can be cheap. They're just words. I like words that have an evocative feel. I don't know about you all, but if I hear the word sturdy, I feel something in my body. It's great. It's a great word.

I love it. Yeah. And I think it's interesting. Let's say your kid hits and you don't punish them, right? Because, I mean, we can really get into that. I just feel like number one, if kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills and that gap explains bad behavior,

every time you punish a kid, you actually just increase their bad feelings about themselves. Like how counterproductive to increase the gap between feelings and skills. We've just called that discipline for hundreds of years and it's really never made sense. And so you picture a parent in that situation

often saying things like, I cannot permit this behavior. Go to your room and no dessert tonight, no iPad. Or we say things that we also never even keep up. I mean, because I know this, I've done it. I've been like, no dessert tonight. And that night, this happened like a couple weeks ago. I was like, you know what, you can have berries and whipped cream because that is not really dessert. What am I saying?

It's like making stuff up, you know? And then we said, because in the moment you do something, you like take something away, you feel strong. I really mean this and this is gonna sound controversial, but like I'm just on one tonight. Like I feel like that is so weak. Wow. So weak. Like can you picture a good NBA coach watching kind of a player miss layups? And the best thing they have is like screaming

at them in the court, like come off the court. And then tonight, like you, whatever it is, you're gonna lose this many thousand dollars. It just feels, you're like, what? They're a CEO again, like you're late? Well then I'm gonna leave you out of this meeting tomorrow. Like it feels so pathetic because you're saying something out of desperation.

I don't know one person who, when they spout a random punishment, actually feels grounded. They're saying it because their body feels so uncomfortable. Their body is experiencing intense emotions that, as adults, we're still learning to regulate, me too. And so we just vomit our frustration on our kids and call it discipline.

It's not. And so I think instead what sturdy is, is our ability to set a boundary. We have to be a boundary for our kid before they can be a boundary for themselves. People are like, well, I'm not going to stop my kid from hitting. They need to learn to do that themselves.

How are they going to learn to do that? Their urge to hit is going to be met with your boundary. Literally, I won't let you hit. And when you get good at this, you start to notice. One of my kids, again, I knew was always was sharing. Why am I going to leave my kid alone on a play date when there's one truck? I know my kid, they're good unless I'm there.

And I'm going to say to my kid before the play date, I'm going to be sitting close to you. And as soon as I notice there's a hard moment, you're not in trouble, I'm going to pull you to the side then. Because that's the moment we can take a deep breath together. And again, when I do this the first time, this is so important, my kid doesn't say to me,

I really needed that. Thank you. Really needed that. That's sturdy parenting at its best, mommy. No, they scream, I was fine. Why did you do that? And again, there are these moments where a good NBA player doesn't judge their performance

based on their teammates performance. They have their own goals they're working on. So if I know my goals, I'm gonna try to get ahead of the hit. My kid can protest, that's okay. I can tolerate that and still be there. So sturdy to me is setting a boundary and then here's the second part.

And that's like any good leader. You set a boundary that you know you need to set because you're the adult and you stay connected to your kid at the same time. You don't have to choose. Cause when I set that boundary, I won't let you hit. I'm also gonna say, oh, sharing's so hard. And then when you start to do this, your kid will be like,

I know, so can you go get that truck and grab it out of my sister's hand? Right, because sharing's hard. And that's when you can have this beautiful intervention. Oh no, sweetie, I'm not going to let you take that truck or hit your sister. It's her time to play with it. And I get that waiting for things you want

is like the hardest thing in the world, even for me. And so to me, sturdy is your ability to set boundaries and set limits and stay connected to someone else in the process. Wow. Wow. Traveling during spring break can feel tricky, because we can't necessarily take time off work

when our kids are off from school. And trying to join a Zoom meeting Traveling during spring break can feel tricky because we can't necessarily take time off work when our kids are off from school. And trying to join a Zoom meeting from your hotel room or from your in-laws kitchen doesn't always feel great. I know because I've tried both. This is why I love Airbnb when we travel. I can so easily find a place with plenty of room to spread out,

including a desk or a table for dedicated work time, which also makes it easier to have dedicated connection time with my kids. And if you're thinking of traveling for spring break, consider hosting your home on Airbnb too. It's a great way to help offset the cost of booking one yourself while opening up your space to another family who's traveling.

Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.com slash host. That incident that you played out is in the home. Yes. When you get the call from the school or from another parent and you are not there to be the sturdy intervention. Two questions there. First, so much of bad behavior. We instantly feel that others will believe it's happening in our home. Hitting is a tough one, right? Because

the first inner, I think, well, no one hits in our home. I don't know where you or she got this from. We've never hit any. No one says this. My kid, I just told you, said shut up to someone. And I fainted. I just, I'm, this is a ghost. This is not me. My body is still, what is that Bruce Willis movie? They were all dead at the end. I'm really not alive. My body is still where someone told me my kid said shut up because we literally don't ever say it. No idea where he got it from and he knew how to use it. So the first thing I said to his teacher,

I said, we don't say this in our home. I felt that she didn't believe me. I felt like, and then I felt like I was lying and I wasn't and I tell my husband, I was like, we're lying, she thinks we're lying. We got off the phone. I'm like, she doesn't believe us. Hitting is that same, it's a grenade of feelings of,

wow, that person is going to believe someone is hitting in my home or someone is allowing this in my home or that we are not sturdy. Yeah. Oh, there's so much in this question. So actually, I want to do a quick poll. I'm going to try to think of the simplest way to say this because I think there's a question under your question, which is when I hear something about my kid that's not great,

is my loudest thought, oh my goodness, what is everyone going to think about me? Kind of gazing out and almost this hypervigilance to other people's judgment. Or is my loudest thought, I have a good kid and I'm going to be able to figure this out. Am I kind of gazing in, okay, this is a moment, all kids have moments, or do I kind of know myself? And I always say information is power. And everyone's like, oh, I'm more attentive to everyone else. I know that's the wrong answer.

There's no wrong answer. There's only right answers, which is being honest with yourself. Because being aware of our kind of inclination is always step one toward being able to shift it if it doesn't work for us. So I think that's actually powerful to think about. I get a call from the school.

And they're like, your kid's been hitting in school. It was my first thought, oh my goodness, the teacher is probably thinking I'm this horrible parent. And if any of the parents find out, they're not gonna invite Bobby on play dates. Okay, I mean, I could go down that road. I've had those thoughts too.

Is it there or is it, hold on a second, I have a good kid. I'm a good parent and we're gonna be able to figure this out. I just want everyone to kind of take a moment and clock your reaction, knowing the right answer is actually just noticing whatever feels true and to actually give yourself credit for that.

It's very brave. Be like, actually, yeah, I do that. So just noticing that shifts it. Because the truth is if we go into, oh my goodness, the teacher thinks I'm a bad parent mode, the only thing that makes sense in that mode is to try to convince the teacher that we're a bad parent mode. The only thing that makes sense in that mode is to try to convince the teacher that we're a good parent. Ironically, our kid is now a pawn in this

conversation. I'm not even thinking about my kid's behavior anymore. I just want to prove to this teacher that we're good parents, that kind of my morality, that my kid doesn't do things. And ironically, in that pursuit, and again, I've been there, we don't get to the bottom of whatever is actually happening. And we actually are less and less able to help our kid. I also really do try to operate with what I call this MGI perspective, most generous interpretation. And so you might all say, Becky, you're delusional.

And maybe I am, but I think it works for me. I just believe that people inherently would understand kids hit. That just because a kid hits doesn't mean I'm a bad parent, doesn't believe I have a bad kid. And if that's a new idea and maybe I am delusional, to me, there's so many things that could be true. It's just a matter of what ends up working more for you

than against you. And I'd ask you tonight and tomorrow, just try that on. What if I assume that this friend who I thought was judging me actually really likes my kid and just wanted me to be aware? The teacher actually also thinks, hey, we're both just Team Bobby. Let's figure out a game plan.

Because it's amazing when you operate with that assumption, you don't feel like daggers are actually being thrown your way all the time. And you even hear the same comment from the teacher differently. So very practically when talking to teachers, I find one of the most helpful things to say from the start of the conversation is something I just said, look, thank you for telling me about what's

happening in school. And I just want to say, I know we're both team Charlie. I know that I know we both know he's a good kid, kind of a hard stage. And I'm kind of excited to share what we're trying kind of excited to share what we're trying at home, excited to hear what you're trying at school, and I know if we work together, like, we're gonna really be able to figure this out. And just setting the stage that way with the most generous interpretation completely changes the conversation because the teacher too wants to prove to you, I'm a good teacher, I like your kid, and if they feel like they don't have to

prove that from the start, you can actually talk about the issue. Same thing with a parent. Most of us here, I don't know, our kids have done things. My kids have done things. They've hit, they've lied, they steal, they say, I hate you. And one of the perspectives on this that I really have found heartening, I want my kids to do all those things.

I actually do. It's not like I say to them, hey, go smack that kid. I don't go that far. Okay. I do not. Okay. But here's why I want them to do those things. And I really do mean this.

I get more concerned about kids who don't have a range of kind of difficult behaviors than I do about kids who do. Because underneath any quote bad behavior is a feeling your kid is going to have for the rest of their life. Here, when Pia is playing with Charlie's favorite truck, he feels nervous. I think that's actually underneath so much we don't realize like what if she plays with it the wrong way? What if she breaks my truck?

They feel nervous. They feel jealous. They feel angry. They feel disappointed. These feelings will exist in our kid's life forever. I always think as a psychologist in private practice, I never had an adult say, my parents got all of the distressing feelings out of my body.

I'm just happy and satisfied all the time. It's never happened. but we all know adults who have no more skills to manage anger and disappointment and jealousy than they did when they were two, literally. And it might not look like hitting when there's a truck, but it looks like kind of nasty gossip behind someone's back because they weren't invited to a party. Or it looks like this trio of women on White Lotus

where you're like, whoa. Right? OK, that's what it looks like. It's the same thing. The context changes, but the feelings never change. And so if your kid is hitting, I really do mean this. I invite you to have this sick, almost joy perspective that I have, OK, just for a moment of, like, oh, my goodness,

my kid is telling me the thing they need help with. How amazing to find that out at four. It's kind of hard, oh my goodness, my kid is telling me the thing they need help with. How amazing to find that out at four. It's kind of hard to find that out when your kid's 25 and you're like, they have a major anger problem because the stakes get really high. And I think this has to do with the overlap of our book. To me, to have that perspective, you have to activate curiosity over judgment. Those are opposites.

Being curious is inherently anti-judgment and being judgmental is inherently anti-curious. And I think this curiosity comes from saying, and you don't have to have an answer, just asking yourself the question is so powerful. What was happening for my kid right before they hit? Hmm, my kid stole that thing from the other kids cubby at school. I wonder what was going on. What would make me steal something and then lie about it?

I must really want something. I must want it so bad and then I probably actually feel bad that I took it. And as long as I don't tell the truth, I don't have to face the reality of stealing that kid's truck and I still get to have it in my backpack. Like I think we could actually all kind of understand that. And you know what happens when you're an adult? You see other people have things that you really, really want. You do. And so how cool that we have this opportunity. Like, oh, well, let me understand the feeling. What skill would my kid need? What would my kid need to say to themselves when they see someone else's truck to manage the feeling

and not steal it? Because I promise you that thing, which you can actually practice, actually will be probably the exact same thing your kid's going to say to themselves when they're 40. Oh, I want that. And it stinks that I don't have it. And I can figure this

out. It's okay to want and not have this stinks and there will be a moment it doesn't feel this hard. Like the words will be the same even as the context changes. And you only have an opportunity to help your kid if there's a sign of what they're struggling with, which usually is their kind of bad behavior. I want to make sure you know where to go if you want to take the next step to help your kid who might have some bad behavior or in general can be prone to being stubborn or defiant. I am doing a brand new workshop on these exact topics and I want you to know about it. More information at goodinside.com or in the show notes. I love that you talked to me backstage and I want to share it with the audience as well.

This opportunity to connect with our children with the book. Like a story time that really has this substantive message and is full of tools that they will potentially, that we will be able to enjoy in a simple story form. I think that's so powerful versus we're sitting down today over the dinner table to talk about you hitting and let's go over Dr. Becky's notes. Are you ready, five- olds, go. You know, whereas we can sit on the bed, you know, wherever outside at the park and enjoy this book in this less tense environment of

understanding. Yeah, I love that. I mean, I really believe that like humans learn through stories. We love stories. We're a people of stories. That's actually how we learn our best lessons. And if you think about your hardest moment, I don't know, you were fired from a job, or you lost your wallet, or whatever it was that was hard recently.

Think about someone next to you teaching you something. I don't know. It just would not be what I want in that moment. I feel like if I lost my wallet and then I found out I wasn't invited to something with my friends and then I had something really hard happen at work, the only thing that would help is maybe a hug or like a friend being like, let me tell you about my horrible day. Right? And it's not because just misery loves companies. It's not because misery loves company. It's because you're having a hard time and there's like all these pieces like this. And when someone else has

a story to share where you kind of see similar pieces, you feel less alone and you feel like the thing you're going through is survivable in a much more powerful way than someone saying, this is survivable. It just doesn't hit your heart. And books to me, books are a story. And we were talking about, yeah, I just love the way a children's book allows me for five minutes at the end of the day to be a really good parent

when I feel like on my own, I just don't really have the reserves to be a good parent. I mean it. That's what my favorite children's books are. And they're not all books, but there is ones where I feel like there's something deep and meaningful. And I know in that moment, I was like,

I would not have created this moment on my own. I was too tired. I was frustrated. My kid. And I was saying this, that this person who got this book early said, I've been kind of part of Good Inside membership for a while, and the language is so natural to me and it's been a little issue with my partner.

He's a little resistant. I went, cry. She's like, I heard him read this book and I heard him because he was just reading pages, say to our daughter, this idea of like, you're a good kid having a hard time. And he was reading the book, but it was his voice saying it and those words. And I understand why they're hard for him. It was so different from and he was reading the book, but it was his voice saying it and those words.

And I understand why they're hard for him. It was so different from how he was raised. It really is like a new language. I really feel like books bridge that gap. They're like this tool where your kid hears your voice saying things and creating a moment that either cause it's not how you were raised or it feels awkward or cause you really had a bad day.

It probably wouldn't have happened if you didn't have that book. And just to double down on stories, because I'll show you my favorite way to kind of like read something like this. Here's this moment, right, where Charlie hits, let's just say, right? That's my truck exploded out of Charlie.

And before he knew what he was doing, he hit his sister. Give me it. Give me it now, Charlie yelled. I would probably double down on this page, slash I have with my own kids, because you have this moment. And we don't like to talk about these things. This is my issue with a lot of children's books. I'm like, that just doesn't look like my house.

It just looks really perfect. And that's not how we learn. Think about trying to learn how to saute garlic from someone who is a professional chef and never, ever burn garlic. Like, you just don't learn from those people. It's too distant. And if you want to really get bang for your buck

in this page, you can say to your kid, do you know that when I was five, I had to and I promise you your kids jaw is going to drop because you are their whole world. And you've figured out life and you're a good person. I mean, obviously, don't tell them. We have not figured out life just good adults having a hard time over here. But they think that because they need to think that

because we keep them safe. And the power of sharing that with your kid is again, you say everything without saying it didactically, which just leads someone to shut down because they feel alone in not knowing when you're so perfect. And I remember my son when he was in a hitting stage. There was almost very little that got traction

until I kind of shared a story of being very similar to him. Because what I was saying is, you're not bad. And I can tell you you're not a bad kid. But if I tell you that through a story of being like you and you see now that I have my stuff together more often than you do at least, you know, it's like there's hope. There's hope and there's no shame. And to me, a book like this to reduce the shame and at the end, we also literally give a parent kind of this parent's corner of like, oh, and here's other things you can do. It just brings together the best of learning.

Today's episode is in partnership with Airbnb and Ritual.