Good Inside with Dr. Becky - What to Do When Your Kid Is Bullied

Episode Date: October 12, 2021

When we hear about our kids being teased, bullied, or left out, it tends to bring up painful memories from our own childhoods. As a result, we often jump to helping our kid get out of that awful experience, saying things like "Say this to stand up for yourself!" or "You don't have to hang with those kids!" But these responses make a child feel even more alone. In this week's episode, Dr. Becky offers guidance to three parents on how to talk to their kids about bullying. She explains why confidence and connection are the best ways to support a child who is being bullied, and offers practical strategies to help your child believe in themselves no matter what others say. Join Good Inside Membership: https://bit.ly/3cqgG2A Follow Dr. Becky on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside Sign up for our weekly email, Good Insider: https://www.goodinside.com/newsletter Order Dr. Becky's book, Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be, at goodinside.com/book or wherever you order your books. For a full transcript of the episode, go to goodinside.com/podcast

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One of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can. With the resources we have available to us in that moment. So even as we struggle, and even as we are having a hard time on the outside, we remain good inside. Today's episode will be all about moments where our kids are bullied or feel really left out. Now, I know for me, these are some of the most painful moments in my house with my kids. Hearing that our kids feel alone or feel made fun of, I think it brings back all of our pain, probably from our childhoods, moments that probably felt worse than almost any other. And as a result, we often want to pull our kids out of that moment right away. We want to tell them, say this thing to stand up for yourself or

you don't have to hang out with those kids. And while these efforts are totally well-intentioned, they actually leave our kids feeling even more alone. It actually makes them feel, oh, am I doing something wrong? I'm doing something wrong to be made fun of. And now I almost feel like I'm doing something wrong because I'm not saying the right thing or taking the right action. We want to do a 180 on that. We want to help our kids feel like nothing is wrong with them. And actually the best tool we have to do that is our presence, is our connection, is understanding what those moments are like for them before we get to any more concrete actions or scripts or roleplay. So with that in mind, let's jump in.

Our first caller is Alexandra. Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Alexandra. I live in the Phoenix Metro area, and I'm a mother to paternal twin boys who are now nine years of age. I'm calling because one of my sons continually struggles with making friends at school and with sitting in with his peers. He often expresses to me that other kids pick on him or that he has no one to play with and he spends his recesses alone reading a book. His brother will often include him and his

games with his friends when he is aware of the situation but I would like to create a space where I can give him not only the support that I already offer but maybe some practical advice on how to overcome this situation. Hi, Alexandra. First of all, I really feel moved by your call. It's so clear how you want to do well by your son, how much you care for him, how much you notice him and see this pain.

And I wanted to make sure I let you know that I noticed that in you. Now, where would I start here? This might sound kind of counterintuitive, but I think that the first thing we need to do when we notice our kids feeling lonely is notice our own desire to take them out of that situation and solve the problem

for them. I know that sounds counterintuitive because I hear myself say this and I'm thinking, why wouldn't I want to do that? It's so painful to have those experiences. Well, here's why. Likely, these situations aren't immediately easily solved and there's not a complete 180 the next day. So what happens the next time a child feels lonely or left out or bullied is if we've come to our child with a script, with a solution, the next time our child is in that situation, they actually feel almost more alone than they did when they talked to us about it because now they experience that moment without our support. They're alone and feeling bullied is awful, feeling bullied and extra aloneness is even worse. So as a first step, we want to infuse our presence

into the moments that feel so awful to our kids. I'll explain exactly how to do this, but to highlight again, why? This way, the next time, let's say your son is reading on a bench at recess and feeling left out, he'll actually experience you kind of sitting your son is reading on a bench at recess and feeling left out. He'll actually experience you kind of sitting on that bench next to him.

He's actually less alone. And when we feel less alone in a painful experience, number one, we're more able to feel regulated. And number two, we become braver because we feel the other person cheerleading us just by the fact that they're being there. So how do we infuse our presence? I'm going to model this. I'd say this to your son. So you were reading when the other kids were playing.

Is that right? Tell me more. I know this might sound like an odd question, but I'm picturing your school which bench, the one on the top of the hill, the one at the bottom, oh, the one at the top of the hill. So you're sitting there kind of on the right side in the middle, oh, okay, so you're kind of in the middle, okay. And what do you see? What do you see down the hill?

Oh, you see a bunch of kids playing soccer on the field. Huh. Can you tell me more about this? Was it a windy day? I'm just curious, was it a really sunny day? Okay, I'm going to step out of the roleplay for a second, Alexandra. Now, the specific questions I'm asking actually don't matter as much as the fact that I am learning the exact details of my child's experience. I'm almost bringing up that experience and through my compassionate, interested kind of questions. I am doing what I just explained. I am infusing my presence. Now I actually have the

elements to kind of build an alliance with my child. We build trust this way. And the moment feels more manageable because I'm now in it with my child. This intervention is way more powerful than it seems. It actually gets into the core of why making changes is so hard because we feel like something's wrong with us because we feel alone and like nobody understands us. You are totally reversing these dynamics. Now after you formed this alliance with your son, I'd actually encourage you to ask him more about what he wants. So let's say it is that situation

where he sees some kids playing soccer. Huh, when you're watching them play soccer, do you want to play soccer? Do you wish some of those kids would be interested in doing something else with you? What would that thing be? So often, we assume what our kids want. When actually maybe your son wants to feel more permission to read while not playing soccer. Maybe he does want to really play soccer.

Maybe he hates soccer and just wishes there were more kids like him who wanted to do some other activity. And then we can empathize with such a bummer right now. You don't know exactly who those kids are. Two things are true, sweetie. I understand how that's so hard. I also know that you are gonna end up meeting kids

who have similar interests. And maybe we can put our kind of minds together and figure out where those kids are and how to connect with them. But again, even that supportive intervention is only going to come after we've kind of put our assumptions to the side and really entered into our kids' worlds with them. Now, I have other ideas coming up as well. So stay tuned because I think some of my answers coming up will also be very useful for you and your son.

So stay tuned because I think some of my answers coming up will also be very useful for you and your son. Let's hear from our next caller, Katie. Hi, Dr. Becky. My name is Katie and I live in Ancestor, Ontario, Canada. I have a four and a half year old and a year and a half year old. And I was just calling because I was wanting some guidance around building up a child's resistance to bullying. So we were dealing with some bullying with my four and-year-old daughter with other girls at school. Definitely quite young to have something like this, but a lot of the resources I've found

about talking to your kids about bullying are more around, like, overt bullying with like, a physical violence versus, you know, just some power and control dynamics going on. And so, I just don't know how I can build up my daughter's resistance at home so that the bully gives her has less power over her when she's at school. And what are the right sorts of things to say for her so that she can kind of, you know, have those tools in her head when she's going to school just because, you know, she's only four.

So this is sort of of changing her beliefs about how she deserves to be treated. And I don't want that to happen. I want her to believe that she deserves to be treated with kindness and goodness. Hi Katie, thank you so much for calling in and reminding us that sometimes pretty distressing peer situations can happen at a young age. And it's really important for us parents to feel equipped to manage those moments with our kids when they come. So the first thing I would do with your daughter is just make explicit that you're really glad she's talking to you about these experiences.

And the words I would use would be pretty much what I just said. I'd say, I'm so glad you came to me with this. I'm so glad we're talking about this. You know, the things that happen with our friends, they're really important. And the feelings we have about our friends, you have those are really important to and in our family. We value talking about tricky situations. So let's talk some more. Right. We really want to remind our kids, we are people you can come to when life gets hard. Your feelings are valid and I'm someone who

honors your feelings and wants to talk them through with you. Next, I would actually try something similar to what I just mentioned with Alexandra. So, ask your daughter some questions about where in school certain moments are happening. So, I'm not sure exactly what the specifics are, but let's pretend that there's another girl in the class who says things like, you can't play with us today, or I don't like you, or you're not our friend, things like that. I would say to your daughter, hmm, were you around that art table when that happened, or were you in the block area?

Oh, so you were in the block area, and then your other friends walked away to go to the gym. Huh. Hmm, so then who was in the block area with you? Oh, you were alone. Ah, sweetie. That must have felt really hard. Again, I'm infusing my presence to build up our kids from the foundation.

And the foundation is always connection and feeling non-judgmental support from loving trusted adults. Next, I would try to help your daughter identify how she felt in these moments. Now, of course, young kids can't always identify how they feel, adults can't always identify how they feel. But just asking certain questions, lets your child know that identifying our feelings

is an important thing. And it sets the stage for at some point, your daughter to be able to notice these important emotions. So I'd say after infusing your presence, what was that like for you? Huh, I'm going to throw out some feeling words. I'm wondering if any of these kind of are what was going on for you. Happy. Oh, you weren't happy, okay?

Sad. Oh, mad. Excited. Right, so I'm not a scribing meaning when I don't know what's happening, but maybe I'm giving my child almost a multiple choice. There's actually a little bit of levity here, and I'm not putting too much pressure on my child to come up with language that my child might not have access to. Now, the other thing I think that's great for kids of this age is putting these themes into pretend play. Pretend play is where our kids learn, it's where they explore, it's actually where they can try on new coping skills. So I'm going to make up that your daughter

likes Paw Patrol. You have Sky, one of the characters in Paw Patrol and Rubble. And maybe I would go in to that pretend play moment and introduce these themes. I'd say, ooh, rubble, you can't play with the rest of the Paw Patrol today as sky. Let me say it again. So I would be sky and I would say to the rubble character, sorry, rubble, you can't play with the rest of us today. And then I could imagine myself kind of actually moving my body back and almost gasping and say, huh, to my daughter, what do you think? Rubble is going to do next.

How does that feel to rubble? I wonder if rubble is going to say something to sky what could rubble say? Or actually role-playing with our kid, but it feels us intense. It feels us didactic because we're doing it in play and we're in it together. And through that you couldn't introduce some ideas. You could say, you know, if rubble is upset, rubble can say to sky. I don't like when you say things like that to me. Or that's not a very nice thing to say to a friend. Or why do you want to say something so hurtful to me? And you can even roleplay that as rubble. You could say it.

Your daughter can say it. Now I don't think you then have to add. Remember, sweetie, you can say these words in school. Just trust that those moments were important and you're helping your child in the world where your child lives, which is this world of play. Our final color is Claudia. Our final caller is Claudia. Hi, my name is Claudia. I am the mother of a beautiful boy who is about to go to kindergarten. He has wonderful red hair, which I think is glorious, but I have had many people here,

siloed, drangery on the playground, friends who have red hair come up to me and be like, oh, his hair is beautiful, but be prepared for him to be bullied in kindergarten and school. But it always gross me off and it worries me, honestly, he is rather sensitive, I would say. So my question is, how do I prepare him for a potential situation like that? I don't want to scare him, but I kind of want to make sure that he is confident enough that in case other kids would say something to him or what fully him about that, he first of all would talk to me about it and second of all doesn't internalize what other kids say to him. And I find it so difficult because he's still so little. So I would appreciate your help and look forward to your advice.

Thank you so much. Hi Claudia. Now I want to be completely transparent with you. This is such a great question and it's one in which I'm kind of struggling with an answer. I feel split. And so I want to share kind of two different perspectives with you. And that happens a lot to me with my own kids, where I hear one voice that says one thing, one voice that tells me to do something else. And it kind of lets me know there's not a right way. And I'm just going to kind of pick something

that feels good enough, right enough. And so with that in mind, let me share with you kind of my competing thoughts about this. So one part of me thinks we don't have to talk to our kids about mean things someone else might say. That in fact, we can build our kids up for these moments by building their overall self-confidence, which means creating a home environment where we value our kids' feelings,

where we see their internal experiences under their behavior. In these conditions, kids in general learn, I have feelings. I have reactions. I have desires desires and those are real and valid. This actually sets up a child to stand up for themselves because they've learned to trust themselves. Now, on the other hand, a voice in me says, well, we all know that sometimes kids do say not so nice things. And it's okay to name that. And actually there's something about naming that early on that demystifies it, that de-shames it because I'm talking about it in a loving, trusted environment.

Now, I think the way I would go about that approach is not saying to my child, hey, here's something kids might make fun of you about. Instead, I'd probably share a story from my own life that's similar enough to what might happen to my child. So I could see myself saying, did I ever tell you about the time? People were, ugh, really not so nice to me about my height. You know I'm pretty short and when I was in college and when I was in high school and

even when I was young people called me shorty. Oh, that was so hard those moments. And just kind of watch how my child responds. I then might keep going. I might share how I cope with that, who I talked to about that, how I stood up for myself. And in this way, I'm sharing a coping strategy with my child, but I'm not isolating my child. I'm not saying you have this quality other people might not like. I'm joining in my child's experience through my own similar one. Another way I could see preparing my child for certain difficult moments is through picture books. I love using picture books as a jumping off point for larger discussions and I can't help

think about one of my favorite favorite books of all time, which is Stephanie's ponytail by Robert Munch. I'm a huge Robert Munch fan in general and I love reading Stephanie's ponytail because it's both fun to read and it leads to so many interesting conversations with my own kids. fun to read and it leads to so many interesting conversations with my own kids. Essentially in this book, this girl Stephanie constantly gets made fun of by her peers for her hair style. And in the book you watch her kind of tap into some inner confidence. So I could see reading this book and pausing and saying, I wonder what Stephanie says to herself. When other kids make fun of her hair, before she even says words back to them. And if you're kids like my kid, they might say, I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean? Oh, well,

I wonder if Stephanie is saying to herself, I know my body. I know I love my body even if other people don't. Or maybe Stephanie is saying, hmm, someone else must not feel good about themselves to make fun of something about me. What I'm doing here is I'm building up my child's ability to have protective self-talk, but I'm doing it in a more indirect way,

so my child's actually more likely to absorb it. I wanna thank our collars, Alexandra, Katie and Claudia. You called in and shared some really vulnerable moments and I really appreciate your openness. Let's tie this all together with three takeaways. One, as a first step when our kids are lonely or share that they've been bullied, notice your own urge to immediately solve the problem. And then remind yourself that infusing your presence into that experience with your child is a really powerful foundation. Also, tell your kids words like, I'm so glad we're talking about this. Are this really important stuff? I'm so glad we're talking about this. This is really important stuff.

I'm so glad you came to me with what happened. 2. Pretend play is a great way to explore difficult moments with your kids. Introduce the themes that are actually happening in your child's life. And then see what your child wants to do next. You can model coping skills in pretend play with characters, and it wouldn't surprise me if then your child is willing to repeat some of these things

because in play everything feels safer. Three. My experience reacting to Claudia's voicemail. My experience of conflict, not being sure exactly how I would intervene in this situation, reminds me of something really important that I don't say enough.

There's no right way to parent. There's no right answer for tricky situations with our kids. There's not a right way. There's not a right approach. There's not one right thing to say when our kids are bullied or might be bullied or feel left out. Remind yourself of that when you're talking with your kids. You are the expert in your family.

You are your family's sturdy leader. You know your kids best. Trust yourself. Trust yourself. If you're thinking, wow, I love even more strategies to build up my child's internal confidence. I want my child to trust themselves more, to be able to trust their feelings so they can speak up for themselves when something feels uncomfortable. My rethinking confidence workshop is for you. You can find that workshop and many others at learning.goodinside.com. Thanks for listening to Good Insider. Let's stay connected.

At GoodInsider.com, you can sign up for workshops and subscribe to Good Insider. My weekly email with scripts and strategies delivered right to your inbox. And for more ideas and tips, check out my Instagram, Dr. Becky at Good Insider. Good Insider is produced by Beth Roe and Brad Gage, and Executive Produced by Erica Belski and me, Dr. Becky. If you enjoyed this episode, please take a moment to rate and review. And if you really like the episode, please share it with someone you know. Many of you tell me that sharing an episode has allowed you to start conversations

about tricky topics with spouses or extended family members, and to bond and connect with fellow cycle breakers. Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves. Even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside. inside.