Good Life Project - 5 Life-Changing Holiday Survival Habits | Jonathan Fields

Episode Date: November 17, 2022

Ahh, that holiday time of year. A time for celebration and joy and generosity and reflection. And also a whole lot of forced togetherness and conflict and family patterns and politics and stress and unhealthy coping, lashing out, even sadness and loneliness - sometimes all within a matter of minutes, even for the most joyful, healthily attached and grateful person, this time can just bring up a lot. So what do we do with that? How do we handle that? What habits or go-to strategies can we say yes to that just might make this time of year fly by with more genuine ease and joy and connection and maybe even grace? That is what we were talking about in this month's continuation of our fun 5 Life-Changing Habits series. So we kicked that series off a little bit earlier with a wide-ranging sort of a more universal 5 Life-Changing Habits episode. And then last month, again with our 5 Life-Changing Relationship Habits episode, and they were met with such a huge reception, we figured, hey, let's keep it going and get specific and shared genuinely life-changing habits that relate to specific moments that we all go through, or maybe areas of life where simple habits can make a big difference. So today I am bringing you 5 Life-Changing Holiday Survival Habits, so excited to share them with you.Mentioned in this episode, our conversations with: Dr. Marisa G. Franco | How to Make Adult Friends (and Why They Matter)Submit a voice memo of your 5 Good Life Habits.If you LOVED this episode, you’ll also love the other episodes in this series:5 Life-Changing Habits5 Life-Changing Relationship HabitsCheck out our offerings & partners: My New Book SparkedMy New Podcast SPARKEDVisit Our Sponsor Page For Great Resources & Discount Codes.BetterHelp: Good Life Project is sponsored by BetterHelp. As the world’s largest therapy service, BetterHelp has matched 3 million people with professionally licensed and vetted therapists available 100% online. Plus, it’s affordable. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to match with a therapist. If things aren’t clicking, you can easily switch to a new therapist anytime. It couldn’t be simpler. No waiting rooms. No traffic. No endless searching for the right therapist. Learn more and save 10% off your first month at BetterHelp.com/GoodLifeProject Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

When you think about those things that you actually want to go to and participate in, but there's that one person or a few people and you just know, well, this is going to come to heads and like it never works out well. And well, all of a sudden when you have this tool set and you say, well, but all the other people and the interactions and relationships, I really would love to be there. But for dot, dot, dot, this one person, now you have a tool. Now you have a set of conflict conversation habits that allow you to reimagine the nature of it and potentially even turn it into something genuinely nourishing and constructive.

Ah, that holiday time of year, a time for celebration and joy and generosity and reflection and also a whole lot of forced togetherness and conflict and family patterns and politics and stress and unhealthy coping, lashing out, even sadness and loneliness, sometimes all within a matter of minutes. Even for the most joyful, healthily attached and grateful person, this time can just bring up a lot. So what do we do with that? How do we handle that? What habits or go-to strategies can we say yes to that just might make this time of year fly by with more genuine ease and joy and connection and maybe even grace. That is what we were talking about in this month's continuation of our fun five life-changing habits series. So we kicked that series off a

little bit earlier in the fall with a wide ranging, sort of a more universal five life-changing habits episode. And then last month, again, with our five life-changing relationship habits episode, and they were met with such a huge reception. We figured, hey, let's keep it going and get specific and share genuinely life-changing habits that relate to specific moments that we all go through, or maybe areas of life where simple habits can make a big difference. So today, I am bringing you five life-changing holiday survival habits. So excited to share them with you. I'm Jonathan Fields, and this is Good Life Project. We'll be right back. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever,

making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you 8 hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series 10. Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone XS or later required. Charge time and actual results will vary.

Okay, so let's paint the picture here. For many, these next few weeks or month and a half or so will be filled with a lot of moments that challenge us in many and varied ways, especially depending on not just your current circumstance and maybe the state of your relationships or life or work or whatever it may be, but also depending on the history that you bring to this time of year on a personal level, a work level, a family level, a friend level, a partner level, and beyond. And that can also include feelings that come up not just from a sense of forced togetherness with people you might not want to be around for a range of reasons, but also the exact

opposite. The feeling of not having others to be with, to celebrate, or be grateful for, or just have a conversation with. And all the different feelings in the middle. And at a time where we're told, well, it's all about gratitude and generosity and reflecting on what's right and giving and receiving. If you don't have easy access to these experiences, to those feelings, those beings, those invitations or opportunities, it can lead to the feeling of not a joyful moment or joyful season, but the exact opposite, which can even lead to a sense of exclusion, isolation, and loneliness, which is

pretty widespread for so many people this time of year. And that can tumble down the lever of shame, which even enters the moment reflecting on a year feeling like you quote, well, you should be in a different place, or you should be invited to these places. Or you should have been further along by now. Or all of these shoulds combined with maybe not having people to be around or having to be around people you'd rather not be around. And just a moment of coming to the end of a year and reflecting. So this can bring up a lot. All of these emotions and experiences are normal. You are not alone.

You're not broken if you feel any and all of them, which is why I thought that we would take this time to share five strategies that can grow into habits when embraced on a regular basis over this holiday season, that can really help turn challenging moments into moments of ease, moments of connection, even moments of forgiveness and kindness. And by the way, that includes moments of forgiveness and kindness and compassion directed toward yourself as well. So as I always offer in these five life-changing habits episodes, if you do any one of these a single time, they may help a lot in the moment. They can be a great one-time or a few-time strategy. But the real power, it's when you

start to do them on a repeated basis, whenever similar situations or moments or triggers or behaviors come up, when you start to make them your default behavior and allow them to grow into habits and repeat it over time, the power of that can become truly life-changing. And as always, a caution. I am sharing ideas and strategies and behaviors, some from my own experience, others from academic research, and or guests that I have had the pleasure of learning from here on the podcast over many, many years. And at the same time, as I'm sure you all know, I am not a mental health professional. If you're feeling anything that rises to the level of genuine

emotional distress, always be sure to consult a qualified mental health professional. Okay, so let's dive in with the first of our five life-changing holiday survival habits. And the first couple that I want to talk to you about, well, they're related to a particular type of experience that often comes up around this time of year. Now, this experience sometimes comes up intermittently throughout the year, but we tend to be in a window the last month or month and a half of the year, where all of a sudden the invitations and the expectations to be social personally and professionally start to expand dramatically. I sometimes think of this as mandatory or forced socialization. Now, if you happen to be a raging

extrovert and you just love, love, love to be around people all the time in every situation, this may be okay. But even I have found those who are really much more on the extroverted side of the social orientation spectrum can be challenged by this season. Because it's not just showing up. There tend to be layers of expectations wrapped around how and why we all show up at social events or gatherings or experiences as we head towards the end of the year. And of course, it can be a real challenge for folks who are on the more introverted or highly sensitive side of social orientation or wiring, or just for anyone who's maybe not in a space or a moment where they want to be hyper-social. Some of us are coming out of a year or a season or a series of years where some things have been real struggles,

where we haven't met our own expectations. And the thought of sort of launching ourselves into parties and gatherings and social things and celebrations are these things where you're expected to show up and be happy and jovial. And you know all of these questions are going to come, how are you? What have you been doing? What have you been up to? You're going to hear a lot of those and potentially think to yourself, I feel like I've actually not lived up to my own set of expectations and I really don't want to have these conversations. And yet you feel like there's still an expectation that you've got to be in certain places. So how do you handle this? How do you handle when the expectation is that you will show up and be more or less shiny and happy and engage in a fun,

celebratory way, whether at work, where you might even feel like it's important to show up and be social for your job, for the prospects in your job or your company or your industry, or maybe for a family where expectations are much more personal and often layered with years or decades of what is or isn't an appropriate way to show up. So mandatory or near mandatory socialization is a big thing around this time of year. And this is where our first few life-changing holiday survival habits come into play. So habit number one, I call this the step away. This is about paying attention to how you feel when in any social context, and then giving yourself permission to literally just step away, to dial down the chatter, the drain, to replenish your energy a little bit, to step away from sensation

or input. And the cool thing is there are so many ways to do it that are socially acceptable. So check this out. Believe it or not, most people will actually not be paying attention to where you are or checking some talking all the time box. And it seems kind of funny because when we think that we're expected to be somewhere, we feel like whoever set that expectation is perpetually scanning. And we've always got to be kind of, it's almost like we're, how do I move around the room so I can be in the scanning zone so I can get credit and check the box for being here? I have been that person and I probably will be many times in the future.

And it's a little bit maniacal when you really think about it. But the thing is, most people actually are not paying nearly as much attention to you, what you're doing, how engaged as you think they are, which means you generally have far more freedom to just quietly step away without actually announcing it to anyone. We sometimes think we've got to have the excuse and we've got to mark our departure. I need to have an urgent this or that. But the truth is most people aren't even paying attention. Safe bet no one will know you have just been gone for anywhere from a few minutes to, oh, let's call it half an hour,

maybe even an hour or so, or if it's a longer engagement with more people. So there is this secret psychological phenomenon about how people tend to experience, and maybe more importantly in this context, remember experiences. People on the whole remember three things about any given experience. They tend to remember the beginning. They tend to remember the emotional high point. And they tend to remember the end.

And that is the end sort of like from a very subjective point of view. All the other stuff that goes on in between the interactions, the conversations, the happenings, the experiences, the sort of the happenings, the experiences, the sort of like semi-peak, but not really peak moments, most people completely forget. They remember the early part, a single emotional high point or peak moment, and the end. So how can we use this to our advantage in the context of the step away when we're talking about these kind of mandatory social obligations that tend to be piled upon us towards the end of the year? How do we actually leverage this?

So first thing to think about, if you can be there early, be seen, talk to a few people, then be around towards the end or what feels like it is an acceptable end in some kind of observable way. And those tend to be pretty straightforward and pretty easy things to do. Now, if you're showing up because it's meaningful to the people who are inviting you in some particular way, and you really would prefer not to be there, this is a great way to step into it. And here's an additional thing. Oftentimes, there is an emotional high point that you can predict is likely coming. So what if you're also around when that happens? So if possible, you become part of that memory or reflection. The perception is that you have

actually been there, engaged, participating the whole time. That is what most people will remember. Sure. Sure. I saw Jonathan. He was here. He got here early. He helped out in the kitchen. And then in that peak moment when the candles blew out or the balloons were released from the ceiling or we cut the turkey or whatever it may be. Yeah, like I looked around the table and saw all my loved ones and everyone was there. And then at the end when, you know, we were wrapping up and that's what folks will remember. So for example, in a professional gathering, maybe get there on time or even a little bit early when fewer people are there. That lets you be more easily noticed. Safe bet. You will also have a sense for a high point speech, cake cutting, midnight occurrence, whatever it may be. And then if you can be around towards the end,

you can do that as well. For a family gathering, maybe show up a little early, help set up or prepare. If there's a meal, be there for it and stick around until it feels acceptable for you to leave. Where there's sort of like you're in that acceptable departure window. In both circumstances, pretty safe bet, folks will notice that you have been there and very few people will have noticed that you also stepped out or wandered off or maybe walked around the block, listened to a few of your favorite centering songs or energizing songs or calming songs or anything else that helps replenish or ground you. So that's part of what you're looking to do when you step away.

Also be there for the peak moments. Be there if you want to be there also. And I don't mean to diminish in any way, shape, or form here that there may be many wonderful interactions, experiences, conversations, moments during an obligation, even one that beforehand you were kind of terrified or low that wanted nothing to do with the thought of showing up at this thing. Hold open the possibility that when you show up, you may end up actually loving it. There may be so many things happening in so many conversations and so many interesting people that you realize you actually don't want to step away. And that is amazing. Never discount the

possibility for that. Always hold it in your back pocket, right? Some people show up and that's just their expectation, but even if you don't, even if you feel like it's an obligation, always open yourself to the possibility that amazing interactions or experiences can unfold. And if you feel like they're not happening, like the sense of obligation still becomes the dominant fabric of the experience, know that most people aren't paying attention on nearly a level that you think they are. You have the ability to just step away, step out, dial down the input, dial down the sensation, and dial up the energy, the grounding, and the peace of mind, and then come on back, circle back. And what the experience will generally read as for most people is you've just been around the whole time.

Even though you know you've done it your way in a way that folds self-care and refueling and building peaceful moments into the experience in a way that allows you to feel much more at ease and at peace while doing it. And hey, if that doesn't easily work, there's also the pre-planned step away mechanism with a built-in excuse that lets you announce it and then take your leave. And what am I talking about here? Well, think of the classic, oh, you know, I just need to take this call. It's time sensitive, even if it's not. Or back in the dating days, I never did this, but I had friends who did this on all sides of the dating equation when they would have a blind date or a first date and they would have a pre-planned call with another friend a half an hour into the date just in order to give

them a potential, oh, my friend's calling and like, or work is calling, it's urgent, I'm so sorry, I need to opt out. I'm not suggesting that you do that. But having a pre-planned mechanism, if you don't feel comfortable with this sort of just casual wander in, wander out, wander in, wander out, can be another sort of a crutch that allows you to navigate keeping your energy and feeling okay and grounded and at peace during these social, personal, professional obligations that tend to load into our calendars in this time of year. And turning this step away into a default behavior or a habit whenever you feel the need to recenter or recharge or bring your energy up or even dial down the volume of sensory input

for my highly sensitive friends, of which I am one, by the way, this can become a truly transformational habit when it seems like there is no easy way to duck out of an experience where the expectation is you will be there and where the repercussions or at least perceived repercussions of you not being there could be meaningful. And that leads us to life-changing holiday survival habit number two, which is also related to navigating these mandatory social situations with more ease.

And I call that the chatter reducer habit. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series X.

Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone XS or later required, charge time and actual results will vary. Mayday, mayday. We've been compromised. The pilot's a hitman. I knew you were going to be fun. January 24th.

Tell me how to fly this thing. Mark Wahlberg. You know what the difference between me and you is? You're going to die. Don't shoot him, we need him. Y'all need a pilot. Flight risk. So one of the big things that can happen in these experiences is that,ase, which can become a bit consuming and even

lead us to be so self-conscious that we start behaving in a way that kind of lets us know that maybe we're uncomfortable. And in doing that, we start to telegraph our discomfort to other people. And those people are kind of like, what's happening here? And they respond to our unease. And it becomes this self-generated, self-fulfilling prophecy. Marissa Franco talks about this. I've chatted about her a couple of times before, and we've had a whole episode on the podcast.

We tend to feel like people dislike us before they even know us. Or if we're in a work situation, we may have these added layers of social and power dynamics and concern about the way that we're showing up and how the perception of that might affect our work opportunities and relationships. And again, this can lead to chatter that is not only entirely untrue and irrational, but also oddly persuasive in the dark spinny cabins of our brains. So the step away habit that I mentioned above, it can actually be a great opportunity to reset the chatter and dial down the volume, especially if you go and listen to some music you love, sing along with it, or move your body, which can be a powerful reset for your mindset. But another process, a set of behaviors that you can turn to, which when it becomes your default response to this level of chatter, and then a habit, is to try out these four chatter busting steps. So step one, notice the chatter.

Often we become consumed in a spin cycle of thoughts that take us to a not healthy place without even realizing what's happening. It's just sort of spinning around in our head and it's affecting us. It may be shutting us down socially or having us pull back from conversations. And we have no idea. We're so wrapped up in it. We're completely lost from the moment we're in. If you start to feel yourself going there,

the first invitation is just notice what's happening without judging it. Literally saying in your mind, oh, wow, I'm noticing that my mind is spinning and all sorts of stories and scenarios and making assumptions right now that are making me feel bad. That's step one, literally just noticing what's happening. And that is the first process of actually bringing you back from being focused on the future or the past to the present moment. The thing about chatter or spin is that those are anticipatory or past experiences and emotions. When you are fully present in the now, they literally cannot exist.

So we start out by really just noticing, by saying, oh, wait, what's happening here? I'm feeling a little weird. I'm feeling a little off. I'm feeling not so easy. Oh, oh, wow. I'm completely checked out of this conversation, this moment. My mind is spinning in all sorts of different directions and telling stories that are really not true and that are making me feel this way.

So step two, literally say to yourself, three, two, one, I am choosing to let this story go. It's not real or true. I just want to be present in the moment. So it's a process of dropping, dropping the thought, dropping the feeling, and consciously saying, let me come back to the now. Take a slow breath in, and then on the next exhale, consciously visualize the thought or feeling riding the breath out of you and floating into the ether and then just dissolving away. Okay, step three here. Now, tap your breath to come out of your head and get back

into your body, then bring them both to a more grounded place. So we focus on the breath. The breath is, it is this powerful lever to both bring you back into your body and back into the present moment, and also use the physiology of breathing to down-regulate a spinny or anxious state. So start by just shifting your focus to your breath and noticing it, right? So first we've noticed, oh, there's all this stuff spinning in my head. We've identified it without judgment. We've taken step two. We said, let me let it go, right? Now, step three, we come into our breath and we feel it in our bodies. So start by just shifting your focus to your breath and noticing it. Safe bet that it has become shorter and shallower in your spinning state. Intentionally start to take slower, longer breaths and notice how your breath feels in your body. You can notice it at

your nose as it enters your body and then leaves your body. You can notice it at your nose as it enters your body and then leaves your body. You can notice in your chest that it expands or slowly moves out of your body or your belly. You can notice the sensation of it as it's cool entering your nose or your mouth and then warmer as it leaves you. But bring your attention, your awareness to the feeling of your breath as you are intentionally taking longer, slower, gentler, more healing and grounding and presencing breaths. This starts the process of getting out of your head and into your body and then using a simple function of your body breathing to dial down the feeling of unease. And that brings us to the final piece of this.

Now, it sounds like I'm laying these out and it takes a long time to do this. This all unfolds in a matter of seconds in real time. And you can literally do these over and over and over over the course of maybe a gathering that lasts a few hours. So fourth step, the last part of the process here. Now we're going to take that internal presencing built around the breath, and we're going to start to move it external a little bit. Get sensory in the here and now. Focus intensely on your present sensory experience. What do you see around you? What do you hear around you? What do you smell around you? What do you feel around you? Make it vivid. What are the colors, the textures, the sound,

smell, aroma? Aroma and smell are astonishingly powerful senses to bring you back into the present moment. So don't ignore them too, right? Get your mind back into the present moment. So don't ignore them too, right? Get your mind back into the present moment. That is the ultimate unlock key when you find yourself telling stories that are making you feel uncomfortable in the moment. And why is that? Because worry, anxiety, spin, chatter, they're all scripts that either take you back in time to lament or project you forward in time to fret. And they cannot happen when you are doggedly present in the moment. So relentlessly practice coming back to the present moment.

Start in a sensory way, since that tends to be easier for most people to access in a breathing way, and then expand out to people in conversations and just hyper-focus on what is happening in the here and now. And what you'll find is you will leave behind all of the self-defeating or self-deprecating experiences and chatter and things that you're saying in your head. And you'll be able to not only enjoy the moment so much more, but you'll be able to show up so much more peaceful and authentic and calm and joyful and energized. So these first two strategies have been focused on navigating those moments where you feel a need to be present in a social or personal or professional way, but maybe you want to feel so much more at

ease. And again, a behavior or strategy done once or twice, that can be incredibly helpful in the moment. But when you repeat it over time, when you make it your default behavior to certain experiences, that's when it holds the potential to become a life-changing habit, which brings us to the second major scenario that so many of us are likely thinking about and would love some help dealing with as we head into holiday season and find ourselves together with folks who maybe we don't want to be together with. That topic is conflict. So we live in polarized times. I don't need to tell you this. It has been a moment. So whether it's based in politics or religion or

society or just old family patterns that lead you and those that you're expected to be with to drop into instant conflict, or whether it's literally an ethos or culture of conflict. This is the season where things can get dicey and fast and make us feel really uncomfortable. And yet, so many for so often, this is the season where we want to be in certain places and we may be expected to show up. We may be in a gathering professionally or with family where there are a whole bunch of people you're really excited to see. Maybe they're traveling in from around the country, around the world, and you love the fact that you get to gather for a couple of hours or maybe even a

couple of days. And yet there will be one or two people that change the dynamic so profoundly. And you perceive as being so conflict driven that that thought, the thought of actually having to be in that single conversation or interaction with that one person makes you want to say no to the entire thing, which would be a shame because, but for that, there's so much amazingness and connection and potential for joy and gratitude and compassion and celebration that is wrapped around it. So how do you handle this in a way that either lets you sidestep those old patterns or provocations and conversational landmines, or in the alternative,

learn how to step into them, but also move through them with so much more ease and grace and space. And this is where our next two life-changing holiday survival habits come into play. So habit number three, the just like me meditation. Now I did not make that name up and there are so many different variations of this that I have heard, I've participated in. So you likely have a sense before you even show up at a particular gathering for who might be there that just might, oh, you know, bring things up and what the topics will be that have in the past and may well in the future lead to moments of conflict, moments that make you feel terrible, moments that you just feel so repelled by, even anticipating them that it makes you not want to even be there. Before even showing up, there is a powerful meditation practice

that just might help you step into the experience with a greater sense of openness and compassion and help you maybe even see past the immediate subject of conflict and just let things go more easily. It's steeped in recognizing the humanity of others, even in the face of conflict. And it's often called the just like me meditation. The most recent person I've heard of this actually was Jack Kornfield. That's a beautiful walkthrough of this. And it's this variation, in fact, of a more classic meditation that is known as Metta

or Loving Kindness Meditation. And there's so many different variations. Literally, if you just go and search for Just Like Me Meditation, you'll find so many different versions of it. But I'm going to walk you through a simple version of it right here, right now. So if you want, you can literally just listen to this. So here's how the practice works. We find a place to sit or relax that just lets you feel safe and at peace.

You only need about five, six, seven minutes to actually do this entire practice. So it's really fast, straightforward, easy. Now, when you're in that comfortable place, in that peaceful place, take a nice full breath or two. Just kind of let your system come into a grounded, calm place. Maybe one more. All right. Now, bring that person to mind. Create a picture of them.

Create a feeling of them. As if they're present in your mind, almost like you're looking at them. Not in a state or a place of rage, but just a representation of them sitting there, standing there, being there with you quietly. Now, silently think these lines to yourself about this person. This person feels and thinks things just like me. This person has gone through hard things just like me. This person is experiencing or has experienced pain and suffering just like me. This person has been shaped by what they have had to endure, just like me.

This person has felt a sense of lack of control or recognition, just like me. This person has been let down just like me. This person has felt taken advantage of just like me. This person has been hurt just like me. This person has felt like they're not enough at times just like me. This person has felt like they're not enough at times, just like me. This person feels fear and is afraid at times, maybe even now, just like me. This person loves and wants the best for those they love, just like me. This person has felt lonely, maybe even does now, just like me. This person is fumbling and trying to be better, even if it doesn't seem that way on the surface sometimes, just like me.

This person wants to feel cared for and respected, just like me. This person wants to feel cared for and respected just like me. This person wants to feel safe just like me. This person wants to not feel pain or suffering just like me. This person wants to be happy and healthy just like me. This person wants to be happy and healthy, just like me. This person wants to feel love, just like me. May this person be free from suffering. May this person be safe. May this person be healthy. May this person be happy. May this person feel loved and not alone. May this person live with ease. And then just be with your breath for a few cycles. So this is incredibly powerful because it grounds your immediate experience, your visceral, your imagined yet visceral experience of that person, not just in conflict, but in shared humanity.

It becomes a source for compassion, even when that's hard to access, even if it doesn't profoundly transform it, it plants the seeds. You can do this just before leaving for a gathering, but even more in the days or weeks leading up to the moment, fold it into your daily practice to the extent that you can. And you may find that it lets you enter the gathering, the experience, the meeting, the whatever it may be in a less charged, more compassion driven way. So that's one potentially life-changing habit focused on the potential for conflict with an individual or individuals that is entirely about your own self-preparation and mindset. It's a practice that you can do on a regular basis that just changes the quality of

how you step into any interaction that has the potential for conflict. So that's one. But we're not going to stop there because sometimes those conversations still need to happen when you show up at the actual thing. So here is another life-changing holiday survival habit built around the experience of conflict that can help you step into a conversation that might feel charged, but in a way that doesn't necessarily resolve the conflict, but lets you and the other person feel seen, heard, and acknowledged on a level that lets you both engage in the conversation with far less angst and also continue to be around each other and potentially all the other folks who you really do want to be there,

be around, be in conversation with, be in connection with, be in communion, be in love with, even if the topic of the conflict is never fully or even partially resolved. So here's what most people don't realize about conflict. Conflict is not always about winning. It's not always about persuading somebody to your point of view. It may seem like that on the surface. And often it's steeped in repeated patterns for

years or decades to just lead you to drop right into that. Like, no, you're wrong. You're wrong. This is right. This is right. I'm right. You're all these different things, right? We don't, we're, we are not even arguing the current argument anymore. We're arguing the argument from when we were 12 years old over and over and over with different facts, different circumstances and never realizing that there's something else going on here. Never realizing that there's a deeper yearning that we all want when we step into any conversation that has the potential for conflict. It is not just to quote, win or persuade. There is something else that matters as much for each individual, if not more, right?

What most people don't realize is conflict is not about just winning. It is about being acknowledged. In fact, for most people, being acknowledged is actually way more important than what the outcome of the conversation is. And simply having that happen can transform conflict into a conversation that leads to connection and potentially even compassion, even if you continue to vehemently disagree on the subject of the actual conversation. So how do we actually, how do we bridge this gap? How do we transform an interaction like that? How do we take it from rage or conflict or something that is

visceral and potentially hurtful and nobody's listening to each other anymore? And how do we take that and change it into something that is actually potentially constructive and that we experience as, oh, well, that was interesting. And somehow I just moved through that and I'm okay in a way that I never have been before and maybe didn't think I ever could be. So to make this happen, we introduce the next life-changing holiday survival habit around conflict, right? So our third habit was based around the just like me meditation. And that again is centered on the experience of conflict. Our fourth one is also based around the experience of conflict and how to change the quality

of that. And this comes from the world of mediation. So I call this, I short head this as the mediation habit. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping.

And it's the fastest charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series X. Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone Xs are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary. Mayday, mayday. We've been compromised. The pilot's a hitman.

I knew you were gonna be fun. January 24th. Tell me how to fly this thing. Mark Wahlberg. You know what the difference between me and you is? You're going to die. Don't shoot him. We need him. Y'all need a pilot. Flight risk.

So first, instead of stepping in and just kind of stealing yourself. Or if you're the type of person literally looking for a fight, tell yourself, you know, this can actually go down a different way with far more ease and respect and not actually ruin the day, ruin the experience, ruin the moment, not just for me, but for everybody who might be around it, observing high conflict, observing the disrespect fueled conflict, right? You have to realize also that when this happens, it's not just about the people who are in it, it's about the people who are around it and how that negatively affects them. So you can step into it using a strategy for mediation that can profoundly change the way that it unfolds. If and when the topic of conflict comes up, and now this might be a big political issue

of the day. It may be an issue around social issues. It may be an issue around religion, whatever it may be for you. Or it may be something as simple as somebody saying, how's that job of yours? And you're instantly back in your 16-year-old self, just being really, really, really mad. Because at that particular moment in time, it was asked in a particular way that triggered you for a particular reason to get a rise and lead to conflict, even though it might be completely innocuous now. But whatever it is, if and when the topic of conflict comes up, real present conflict

or something that relates back to something that leads to the feeling of conflict, here are some steps to follow that may completely change it. First, ask the person to share their point of view fully, right? We tend to think that we already know what they're going to say. And then 10 seconds in, we just want to finish our sentence and start debating them and arguing them and want to say like, we need to get ours in. And part of that is because we feel like conflict is charged. It's uncomfortable. It's awful. We need to actually just get this to an end point and get it over with as soon as humanly possible. But what if it doesn't actually have to be that way? If we ask a person to share their point of view fully, and then we give them the space to say what they want to say,

even if you are itching to either jump in and shut them down or argue or walk away, let them have their say. Something magical, a seed is planted for something transformative to happen. So stay with me here. So step one is literally ask the person, share your point of view. Well, tell me what's going on. Like, tell me about like this thing that you're thinking about, I think you're bothered by, or this big issue. And tell me what your thoughts are on it. Like, what's your, tell me everything. Like, just lay it out on the table. I actually, I really want, I do want to hear it. You may already know that, you know, like in past conversations we've had, like that, you know, I very likely feel differently, but I actually just really want to listen. Tell me everything that's on your mind.

That can be really hard for you to do. But what's harder for almost everyone is knowing that you are about to step into a dehumanizing, often rage-filled interaction that is kind of brutalizing on both sides. And you know before is just going to lead to aggression and everybody feeling badly, right? So just forbear for a moment, right? Because there are more steps in this process. So first, ask them genuinely and openly to just say their piece. Let them have their say. Let them share it all fully without jumping in.

It is brutally hard, but trust me, I know, especially with so many of the issues of the day, to let this happen. But there's a reason that we're doing it here. And there is a reason why this process has been developed in the context of super high level, super high conflict, super high stakes mediation and conversation and negotiation and why it is so effective. So step number two, once somebody has said, here it is, and you've actually literally actively listened without stopping, cutting them short, rebutting midterm.

Then you mirror and confirm. So you say something like, okay, so what I heard you say is, and then you summarize what you believe you just heard them say. And then you ask a question. Is that right? Now, inevitably, they'll feel like you've gotten some of it,

most of it, maybe not much of it. And they'll want to make some corrections when you say, is that right? And they'll say, well, actually, like, yes to this, but you didn't quite get this other thing. So let me, and then you say, well, okay. Then, yeah, go ahead. Like, well, tell me, I really want to understand this. I want to understand fully your point of view. And let them say, like, this is what I meant. And then you say again, okay, so what I'm hearing you say is this.

And you summarize and mirror, repeat what you believe. You heard them say the updated version. And then again, you ask, so is that right now? And they may say, well, yeah, that's actually it. Or they may say, well, it's like you're closer, but there still is one thing that you didn't quite, and that's okay. And this feels like a laborious process, but what's actually happening here is you're having a conversation rather than a rage filled scream fest that isn't going to lead to anything, but dehumanization, discomfort for everyone around you, including you, and just destroying the entire experience, right? Everything is slowly being discharged. Then eventually they'll say, yeah, that is it. Like, that is exactly it.

You get it. Like, you finally find, like, yes, that's it. And this is where the magic really begins to happen. Because as I mentioned, what most of us don't realize is that people, more than anything in this world, simply want to be seen, to be heard, to be acknowledged as much, if not more, than they want to win the argument. And what you have just done is given them that very thing, your attention. It is stunningly generosity-oriented, right? It lands with astonishment and surprise. Often it feels like a gift, even if people won't verbally describe it that way, that is how it lands.

And I have to tell you, this experience is so rare in this day and age. So uncommon that it literally transforms the nature of a conversation and often a relationship. Even if you never agree, even if you never come to terms about the subject, they feel they finally been seen and heard. Do not discount how important that is and how powerful it can be in changing the dynamic to something that both of you feel is so much more balanced and easeful and handleable. But this also does one other thing. It primes what we call the reciprocity pump. And that brings us to the

third element. The third element is that now you share your point of view. And here's what the dynamic often is and how it becomes profoundly different than the way that you imagined this whole thing was going to go. It is incredibly difficult to be given the gift of kindness and attention and space and understanding of being truly present, listening, and then turn around and be the short-sighted, rage-filled, interrupting conflict marauder after you have received this gift. They have been given your attention and space and humans have this powerful, well-documented impulse to reciprocate something that has been given to them on a level that feels proportional. And this impulse, it makes it far more likely that you will then be given a similar level of space and grace to share your experience or point of view as well. Because for them to start jumping down your throat or cutting you off at this point, it makes them present as a very one-sided, disrespectful person who is actually not worthy of being listened to

themselves. It makes it brutally hard for them to respond the way that they may have, may have been patterned to for years before that, after what you have just given them. And then lay out your part of the conversation. Now, when you do this, the tone, the energy, the fundamental nature of this has been seriously ratcheted down. You may still agree to disagree. But what you have likely done along the way is centered both of your humanity, transferred the potential for conflict or rage or hard feelings into a more dignity-centering conversation, even if release so much potential charge from a gathering that what

might have been a single interaction that derails the entire gathering, not just for you, but for everyone there becomes a moment that is no longer defining or consuming. And it may change the dynamic moving forward as well. So that when you think about those things that you actually want to go to and participate in, but there's that one person or a few people, and you just know, well, this is going to come to heads and like, it never works out well. And well, all of a sudden, when you have this tool set and you say, well, but all the other people and the interactions and relationships, I really would love to be there. But for dot, dot, dot, this one person, now you have a tool. Now you have a set of conflict conversation habits that allow you to reimagine the nature of it and potentially even turn it into something genuinely nourishing and constructive.

So we've talked about these mandatory socialization type of experiences that tend to really map so much of our calendars as we head towards the end of the year. And we've talked about the age old angsty conflict that so often maps with holidays and how certain habits can make a real difference here. But I also want to bring the other side of this home with the fifth, and I'm going to sneak in a sixth bonus, life-changing holiday survival habits. And that relates to the other side of the holiday experience for so many people. And that is the potential for loneliness, the potential to feel like you're actually being left out, that you are being

excluded sometimes intentionally, or just that you don't have people or beings to gather with, that you feel in any way meaningfully connected to. While it sometimes feels like, and we so often tell the story, and I know I have, like everyone else around you does have that, which by the way is most often a giant myth. So what strategies or habits might be helpful here? And this brings us to a fifth life-changing holiday survival habit in this context, addressing feeling like you actually don't have people to be with, the sense of loneliness, the feeling that we want to feel needed and appreciated. Right? And one of the most powerful things that you can do, I'm going to talk about two here, like the fifth one and then the sixth bonus one here. But the initial one that pops into my mind that so many people turn to in these moments

is volunteering. No matter what's going on, and especially in this time of year, you are not the only one who feels lonely or alone. You're also potentially not the only one who is in need, who would love or need some help, some caring, some nurturing. There are other individuals, there are other communities, there are other organizations who all would love that. And you're a human being who is capable of showing up and participating, literally just volunteering your time, your heart, your mind, your conversation, a moment, a glance, a hug, a handheld to complete strangers sometimes. And the opportunities to do this

are literally all around us all day, every day. But so often when we're not looking for them or thinking about it, we don't see them or even realize that they exist. The beauty of volunteering, it functions on multiple levels, especially around this time of year when the need is so high. It lets us feel needed and appreciated,

that thing that we so yearn for, right? It gives us a role and a job and a sense of value. It reminds us we all struggle because when you volunteer so often, you start to realize there are others out there like me. And by being a part of something, you're not just being a part of a group or other people who are working together to provide a service or an experience to others, you are also being in service of those others. And not infrequently, you may see what they're going through. And it reminds you that we are all in this together. We all experience life, some highs, some lows, some challenges, some beautiful invitations, and we all suffer and struggle. It is simply a part of life.

And if you are in that moment and feeling alone in that moment, being around others and being reminded you are not alone in this moment can really make a difference. It puts you in relationship with others. Maybe others who've been total strangers and unknown to you before, but through this shared experience become something more. It reminds you that you do have the ability to be around other people. It rekindles a sense of agency. Like you are not just a victim to other people deciding that you are worthy and inviting you to this thing. It reminds you and it tells you, no, no, you actually do have the ability to find

these other groups or experiences or communities and step in and you invite yourself. You find out where there is need and you bring yourself to that experience and you become a part of a group of other people all together doing this thing. You have agency. It also brings the experience often of gratitude, especially if you are volunteering to help those who maybe in that moment are more in need. And it reminds you that you are able to provide value to others. And sometimes, honestly, that value will show up in the form of a sandwich or a meal or a donation or helping with a project or helping house. But sometimes it literally shows up in the form of just being physically and emotionally

present for a moment when someone feels alone. And you can certainly relate to that. I know I have been able to so many times in my life. And the one final thing that this engenders very often is what's called the giver's glow, which is this kind of fascinating phenomenon that's been documented in well research, which tells us that when we give of ourselves, we not only benefit the person, the community, the being on the receiving side, but it changes us. It has a positive shift in our own experience of worth, of happiness, of meaningfulness, of purpose. It gives us what has been called the giver's glow.

And the amazing thing is that the giver's glow doesn't just last for the moment that you are in the giver's role, it endures. There's this afterburn effect of the glow that can last not just for hours, but often days, sometimes even weeks. It changes you. So think about how are there places, are there experiences, are there groups, are there communities where I can actually just go and help out and know that in doing so, it is going to not just be in service of others, but it's going to really help me move through this moment. And that brings us to, I hinted at there's a bit of a bonus sixth habit. And again, this relates to that experience of feeling like you're actually not being invited, or you don't have people to be with in this time of year, and that maybe there's

loneliness that is touching down. And this is another thing also that gives you a sense of agency. And it is about this bonus sixth habit around countering loneliness is to look for organized shared experiences. They don't have to be holiday related, by the way. They may be. Maybe it's a craft circle and maybe you're putting together gifts or packets or things for all sorts of other people. But maybe it's a knitting circle. Maybe it's a class on a topic that you're interested in. Maybe it's a guided one-day trip or a few hours or adventure, maybe even a community that meets regularly around a shared interest, a shared activity, a shared value or belief that you haven't yet explored, but now might be a great time.

Or maybe you have, but you've never actually done it in a mode where you are a part of a community or a group or an experience where other people share in it collectively. And if you can do this in person, well, that's great. So many of us have been able to actually step into that mode of interaction again after a long time of not feeling safe or comfortable or at ease doing that. But the beautiful thing is, if that is comfortable and accessible for you, that's fantastic. But these last few years have also flattened the world when it comes to shared

experiences like never before. You can find experiences and communities online pretty much all day, every day. And those can be fantastic gateways to not just engaging your heart and mind around an interest or passion or activity. It can also be an amazing way to be in community with others who share that same interest or value or desire to invest energy and be around people with that shared lens and experience. You know, interestingly, it's not often even like the conversations that make the difference. It's simply participating in something that is collective or shared, even kind of parallel playing your way through it.

It is simply the feeling of being around those other beings in the virtual space or in the in real life space that changes the way you feel that all of a sudden that feeling of being left out or not. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series X,

available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone Xs are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary. Mayday, mayday. We've been compromised. The pilot's a hitman. I knew you were going to be fun.

On January 24th. Tell me how to fly this thing. Mark Wahlberg. You know what the difference between me and you is? You're going to die. Don't shoot him, we need him. Y'all need a pilot. Flight Risk.