Good Life Project - Discovering Your Identity | Stedman Graham

Episode Date: May 14, 2019

If you’ve heard the name of my guest today, Stedman Graham, there’s a good chance it’s been offered in the same sentence with his long-time partner in life, Oprah Winfrey. What’s not as often told is Stedman’s own, deeply-compelling personal journey. His path from small-town kid to pursuing a degree in education while simultaneously serving in the Army, playing basketball in the European leagues, then returning home to enter the world of business and giving back along the way. Stedman eventually founded and now serves as chairman and CEO of S. Graham & Associates, (https://www.stedmangraham.com/) a management and marketing consulting firm. He's also written 11 books, including two New York Times best-sellers, and his most recent, Identity Leadership (https://amzn.to/2JE1sH0)Over the last two decades, Stedman Graham has become a noted expert in education and leadership development. He is fascinated by the exploration of identity, how we discover, validate then build our lives around our most essential selves, contribute to the world and become leaders from a place of deep personal alignment. In today’s conversation, we explore Stedman’s remarkable journey, his personal evolution and awakening and why he believes, with all his heart, that we need leaders more than ever, and why leadership is very much an inside game.-------------Have you discovered your Sparketype yet? Take the Sparketype Assessment™ now. IT’S FREE (https://sparketype.com/) and takes about 7-minutes to complete. At a minimum, it’ll open your eyes in a big way. It also just might change your life.If you enjoyed the show, please share it with a friend. Thank you to our super cool brand partners. If you like the show, please support them - they help make the podcast possible. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So if you've heard the name of my guest today, Stedman Graham, there's a pretty decent chance that it's been offered in the same sentence with his longtime life partner, Oprah Winfrey. What's not often told is Stedman's own deeply compelling personal story. His path from small town kid to basketball phenom who actually played in the European leagues to executive and eventually founder of his own consulting firm. Really over the last two decades or so, Stedman has become deeply fascinated with the exploration of identity, how we discover it, how we validate and then build our lives around our identities and contribute to the world and become leaders from a place of deep personal alignment with our most essential

selves. And he's developed his ideas over that window of time into a teachable framework that's really pretty fascinating and that he shares in his latest book, Identity Leadership. In today's conversation, we explore Stedman's remarkable journey, his personal evolution and awakenings, and why he believes with all of his heart that we are at a moment in time now where we need leaders more than ever, and why leadership is very much an inside game. So excited to share this conversation with you. I'm Jonathan Fields, and this is Good Life Project. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist,

whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series X. Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone Xs are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary. Mayday, mayday. We've been compromised. The pilot's a hitman. I knew you were going to be fun. On January 24th. Tell me how to fly this thing. Mark Wahlberg. You know what the difference

between me and you is? You're going to die. Don't shoot if we need them. Y'all need a pilot. Flight risk. So good to be spending time with you. So it's kind of interesting. I did a little bit of research when I was looking up your background, obviously reading your latest. So you grew up in a town in New Jersey, White's Bear, New Jersey, which going back, what I discovered was it seems like it was, the town was created right around the turn of the 20th century, like right around 19, 1901, 1902, almost as a refuge for communities of color from Cape May and from North Carolina.

Yeah. Actually, Congressman George H. White was a member of our family. Ah, no kidding. Which is how we got up there. My father got up there, my mom got up there, and relatives of ours. They first invited our family up there and then built it from there. So he wanted to create an African-American community where people could create their own businesses and their own opportunities and feel somewhat insulated

from all of the oppressive systems and stuff around. So great idea. It's still around. Yeah. And you grew up there, I guess it would have been the 50s, early 60s is when you were there. Yeah. I was grew up in, I guess it would have been the 50s, early 60s is when you were there. Yeah, I was born in 1951. Right, so what was it like there growing up? Just like what was your experience? Well, you know, pretty much, you know, all black town surrounded by white county and all of that. And, you know, we had segregated schools there, a school, school house. And, uh, it was great because we always felt like this, it was a safe Haven and you didn't have to worry

about all the stuff that, you know, was based on color and race. And the teachers there taught us to be twice as good. And, and when I that, they worked hard to make sure you were prepared because the school went to the, I think, the eighth grade. Then after that, we went to the high school, an integrated high school. So the teacher was like, we're going to make sure that you're prepared. When you go to that high school up there, you can do a good job. And they did a fantastic job of preparing the majority of students who went to Middle Township, making sure that they were competitive. Yeah.

You also came from a fairly big family, from what I know. Yeah, I have a big family tree. I'm part of the Spalding descendants. We have, man, we probably have 1,400 on our database, which is a lot. And we have our own reunions every two years. And we're from Lake Walkamaw, North Carolina. Came up from there, Columbus County.

And so a lot of our relatives are from that place. And we have a lot of land down there that we own and all of that so we've been able to throughout the years you know support each other and maintain and establish a tribe of folks and so it's been pretty good yeah it's beautiful to go back down there and spend time and i do some work there as well as doing work in my community in Whitesboro New Jersey so we started the concerned citizens I was one of the founders and we've been doing that since 30 years to kind of carry on the legacy of George H white to help develop the community in terms of education and take care of senior

citizens and programs and educational programs and all of that, creating success and preparing people for success in that community, giving scholarships away and all of that. I would imagine it's a pretty, I mean, so we're talking 50, 60, 70 years, 60 years ago now. I would imagine it's a pretty different town now. I mean, when you go back now, has it substantially changed? Well, we basically saved the town because I went back about 30 years ago. It was basically drug infested.

It was coming drug infested and all that because a lot of the development wasn't there and all that. So people were leaving, didn't come back that kind of thing and when i say drug infested i don't say real drug infested i'm just saying that you know kids start hanging out in the corner you know that kind of thing and so recognizing that i went and organized a group of people to include the ministers and some teachers and all that we worked together to kind of turn it around and And we have turned it around, you know, with the Concerned Citizens. There's a guy that runs it now named Bernie Blanks.

You know, he's done a fantastic job. And Cheryl Spalding and a bunch of other board members and all. And throughout the years, we've had different leadership throughout the years. And so it really makes a difference when you're able to represent your own community. It's kind of an ad hoc committee that meets often and talks about policy and works with the Cape May County officials in the local market to figure out what is needed.

So we built a community center there. Cost us $1.4 million to build that. We had sidewalks and roads and just new improvements. We didn't have running water through there. We had well water when I was growing up. We got running water through there. We got streetlights and sidewalks, all the things you think a community would have, but we're able to turn a lot of those policies around

and make a difference in the community. So it does make a difference when you, you know, take control of your own development. Yeah. So when you're growing up there, what happens when you hit eighth grade and you go from sort of like developing in this sort of like being raised in one particular way in one community, then all of a sudden you're moved into this fully integrated school. What's that like for you? Well, you stand out and you're trying to assimilate at the same time and you're trying to make sure you're as good as anybody else.

You are aware of that. And so it's a little bit of chip on your shoulder a little bit, you know. And then, you know, I grew up with a lot of anger and rage because I had two special needs brothers in my family and a low self-esteem and lack of confidence in myself. So, you know, you're already kind of mad. And then you have this negative feeling about who you are, you know, your image and all that. So when you go to another school and you're trying to be competitive in that marketplace, you're trying to figure out how to actually fit in through that process.

So it helps to be prepared. It helps to be able to read well and be somewhat highly skilled in education, which we were prepared to do. So we were very competitive in the marketplace. So you're not feeling like you're left out. You can actually compete in a classroom. Yeah. I mean, it's also purely from the lens of race. Obviously, you know, because you're growing up in a town where everyone is really similar.

You're about to move into this other environment. Did that become much more sort of like in your face, forward facing and force you to navigate in a completely different way? Well, you just became the best you could possibly be in whatever you involved in. I was involved in a lot of different activities. I was a basketball player, so I stood out. I was probably one of the standout basketball players in the county there. So that helped me anyway. I was a treasurer in my freshman class.

I started an organization called Betterment Through Understanding, BTU. I was in the band. You know, I was a drum major in the band and all. So, you know, you try to do things that kind of make you stand out. And when I grew up in a little town, Whitesboro, New Jersey, of course, we had a lot of leadership skills because they made sure that we were skilled in leadership abilities because they put us in charge of a lot of things. The Boy Scouts, choir, usher board, all of that. So you were used to leading. And it's great to grow up in a town like that early on because you have an image of who you can be

and you don't doubt yourself and you're you know you don't play small because you didn't grow up that way because you had to be competitive in the town you live in an all-black town you know you you're competitive with everybody uh and so you just you know all sports you know, you're competitive with everybody. And so you just, you know, all sports, you know, you're good. Everybody plays sports. It was very special to be able to grow up as a child, as a young person in that town, because it gave me a stronger foundation, which I use today as a way to kind of navigate through the 21st century

and some of the obstacles that you have to deal with growing up and all of that. Yeah. And it sounds like, I mean, basketball was a huge part of your life and you're very modest in stating your accomplishments, but you were from all accounts, you know, extraordinary. And it sounds like you also had your eye on playing for UCLA at one point. Yeah. Basketball was my savior. I mean, because I was mad and angry and had a lot of rage. And so, you know, if you know anything about the law of attraction, whatever you put out comes back. So I had a lot of rage and anger and basketball was my outlet for it. And it also was my, it carried me out of the community through junior college and college and all of that.

UCLA was, you know, I was recruited by Denny Crome was the assistant coach and John Wooden was the coach there. So I got a chance to go out there and I was supposed to go to JC junior college first which I went for a year after two years transfer out to UCLA and and after the first year they dropped the program into junior college so I went to Detroit and so that didn't work out so well and then I went to Hardin-Simmons University in Abilene Texas and uh from there um that worked out pretty good and I I graduated, you know, because I was really focused on graduating college. And so, you know, it was a great experience for me to have those experiences

of coming from a small town and then going to California and UCLA and seeing the campus and playing with some of the guys, you know, out there who were extraordinary ballplayers. And then be able to go to Texas and deal with that. And then go to Detroit and then go to Hardin-Simmons and be an athlete. So it was really pretty special, I have to tell you. I enjoyed it a lot. Yeah.

Was your, I mean, coming out of Hardin-Simmons, was your aspiration at that point to see if you could go pro and be in the NBA? Or were you sort of like, okay, so this is a chapter of my life. It was amazing, but let me start to look forward at something different. Well, it was kind of a chapter of my life. And I always look forward. And I was just glad to be able to graduate from Hardin-Simmons and then be able to, you know, I went to the Army, played European Pro League there, was in the Army at the same time,

so I traveled all over the world. Oh, so that happened at the same time. Yeah, it happened at the same time. Yeah, most people don't know that. So you're asking the right questions, my brother. Yeah, you're actually in the Army, and then Samuel Taney is playing in the European saying, is he playing in the European League? Yeah, playing in the European League over there.

No kidding. So I was traveling around and everything. I really was, and I was getting my master's at the same time at Ball State. So, because I wanted to make up for my, you know, lack of opportunity. If I was going to go into service, I wanted to make the service work for me. So what I did was I was able to do all those things and it really paid off a lot for me. So I enjoyed that a lot and it gave me a strong base. So all of this was kind of the build where I am today. You know, I think of when I think of identity leadership, you know,

again, identity leadership is self-leadership based on the philosophy that you can't lead anybody else until you first lead yourself. So it's all self. So all the work I've done throughout my life is to try to learn about self for myself, but also realizing that there's a process for success. And, you know, with identity leadership being self-leadership, I can also help other people self-actualize their potential as a human being. So I created this nine-step success process, which, you know, allows people to figure out how to work on their purpose their identity find their identity first and then self actualize a Process that will help them define their existence you know throughout this journey and these steps and this

framework that helps them create Self mastery and I always had that attitude about myself. And you said it well, when you were asking me these questions, you kind of set it up because it all started in the Whitesboro, trying to be twice as good as anybody else and having that mindset, which allowed me really to be where I am today with the book. So I never realized that until just now. So thank you so much for that. It's just fascinating to me. You know, because it seems like you've been so driven from the earliest days.

And, you know, you could point to a combination of proving yourself. You could point to a combination of rage and unfairness based on what happened to your siblings. But somehow, wherever it came from, you know, there's a fierce sense of work ethic you know like i need to show up and put my head down and work incredibly hard to get to this place even if i don't know exactly what it is quite yet i know where i am now isn't where it needs to be

even to the extent that you know like i had no i didn't realize that you were actually you're in the army you're playing pro ball in Europe and pursuing your master's simultaneously. I mean, any one of those things is a heavy lift. Is a heavy lift, yeah. You know? Is a heavy lift. To do those all at the same time. I mean, I'm curious too,

because when you talk about the army, you talk about getting a master's in education from what you call, right? Like that's, it's almost like those are, a huge amount of that is about instilling structure, training structure and frameworks. Yes. Tell me about your relationship to learning that type of process and the structure and the framework and looking at the world, learning how to look at the world that way. Well, I was always a pretty driven person because I had to break the cycle or stand out my family.

So to take responsibility because, you know, I've got siblings who I had to take care of and all of that. And I had to try to prove that we were just as good as anybody else based on race, but also based on family. So I had to overcome the labels of that, being teased and kind of bullied today. They call it bully, but back then we were just being teased and fight every single day, you know, because you're trying to, you know, overcome the bulliness. And the only way you can do it is, you it is you're fighting folks and all of that. So it was quite a traumatic experience for me. And you grow up trying to prove to people that you're okay,

that you're somebody, and you're driven by that and driven by that and driven by that. So the drive was there. And you're not going to outwork me because I'm driven so much. So putting it all in order, that's why I love this Identity Leadership book and the process so much because putting it into a framework, that's not something I heard. It's something I lived.

So I'm living the work and teaching other people how to apply the same model and the same process for their own life. So all of that is tied together, you know, and it's tied together through my childhood and through basketball and through, you know, trying to get a degree and doing what I'm supposed to do in order to be successful because I had to be the stand-up guy in my family. Yeah. And when you finally come back to the U.S., you also then, you owned a business, right? So you ended up in, I guess for a short while, in PR. Yeah. You know, I'm looking. I'm looking for business. Business. I'm looking for business.

Business, I'm looking for that. My father was in business. I worked for him. What did he do? And he was a painter and a contractor. And so I'm holding the ladder for him all the time, which is, if you want to, that's a tough job. You know, you got to hold a ladder

so your father doesn't fall down, you know, from the, you know, on the side of the house. So, you know, I did that for years, you know, just working with him and all of that and worked with him after school. And on Saturday sometime, we go and do work. And so he worked, worked, worked, worked, and I worked with him and learned to work and loved to work.

So, you know, all of that together just created this kind of drive. And if you put drive with work ethic and you put that with process and you put that with thinking, I was kind of missing the educational piece because I wasn't really, you know, big on, I was kind of missing the educational piece because I wasn't really, you know, big on, even though I could read well, was educated well, I really didn't apply myself on the educational side because I was busy with ball, you know, I wanted to be a pro athlete, all of that, busy with work and all of that. So the other, there was really nobody to take you along and kind of tell you how this actually works, how this educational system works. So it took me a longer time to understand that.

So when I discovered education and I put that together with drive, determination, perseverance, you know, and put that together with passion and purpose, man, I took off. Yeah. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch,

getting you 8 hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series X. Available for the first time in glossy jet-black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone XS or later required, charge time and actual results will vary. Mayday, mayday. We've been compromised.

The pilot's a hitman. I knew you were gonna be fun. January 24th. Tell me how to fly this thing. Mark Wahlberg. You know what the difference between me and you is? You're gonna die. Don't shoot him! We need him!

Y'all need a pilot? Flight Risk. When you start to figure this stuff out, right? So you're out of the house for like a chunk of time at that point. You're an adult. You're navigating your way in the world. Did you have mentors who sort of like stepped in and whether they were quote official mentors or whether they were just people, because to kind of put those pieces together, you know, as a young adult, your mid, late twenties, it's not an easy thing for any of us. I'm always curious whether there were people who touched down your life, who

in some way turned light bulbs on that helped with that process. Over and over and over and over. I mean, from the early years of growing up in Whitesboro, over and over and over throughout my whole life. The thing that I, it's interesting when you talk about mentors, You don't pick mentors. Mentors pick you. And so, you know, when I really learned about that, I realized, oh, people seek you out. You know, they want to help you. So, you know, I wasn't a bad guy. You know, I was angry internally.

I had a lot of anger internally, but most people wouldn't know that. But the beautiful thing about all of the mentors and people around, we have relationships, you know, we liked each other and all of that. And so that's a very important for you to be able to, you know, be likable. And so I always tried to be likable and tried to go along with the flow. I wasn't, you know, you'd have to worry about me stealing from you or trying to hurt you or anything like that or whatever. I wasn't, you know, you'd have to worry about me stealing from you or trying to hurt you or anything like that or whatever. I was always a pretty nice guy, you know. I pride myself in having manners. And all of that was my mom. And, you know, it was always reinforcing all this. She'd be proud of me, I think, today because of the manners. It's the North Carolina courtesy

sack. That's right. It's the hospitality, North Carolina, Southern Sun. This is what you do. Right. And so I had that. And so you're able to build relationships and have relationships with people. And that's a huge thing. And I was always trying. And I think people saw me trying a lot.

So I had a lot of people around me and a lot of people who inspired me, from Sunday school teachers to coaches and to my peers and my buddies and all of that. So, man, I had a strong base. And then I had a big family. So I had a lot of role models in my family who were judges and lawyers and professors and all kinds of, they were involved in all kinds of professions. They're very professional and very bright and part of the process that they had to go through in order to be able to prepare themselves for whatever they might have to deal with. Yeah. One of the things that I was surprised about, so you're navigating your way in the world.

You're sort of exploring different positions, different industries, PR. Eventually, you land in Chicago and you end up founding your own consulting organization. But sometime along the way, it sounds like shortly before then, you end up spending time first as a prison guard and then as a director of education. And I'm curious, how do you even get exposed to that? And how does that experience change you? Like like what does it give you that allows you to move to this next place yeah i think the um the ability to maintain any kind of status quote in the prison system takes a lot there is no middle ground in the prison system. Either you make it or you don't make it. So it was a good training ground for me because you're around a thousand prisoners in this

facility and you deal with all kinds of folks. And either you make it or you don't make it. And like I said before, I have a negative environment that you're in and it can be really, really challenging to try to work through all those obstacles because folks are coming at you all the time and you're a guard, started off as a guard, then went into recreation and then became a supervisor of education in MCI, Chicago. So it's like through that whole process, you're, again, you know, self-awareness, trying to figure out who you are, trying to align yourself, going in the right direction, trying to move up at the same time.

You know, it's a journey, but it's one of the best experiences I've had that will prepare me for the work I'm doing today. Yeah. I mean, you're certainly learning how to be, learning what happens in that environment and also learning you, that sort of lets you look forward and say, okay, this is something that now I'm going to incorporate into whatever I do next? Well, I speak to a lot of young people. We have programs in the schools and all of that and often talk about, you know, I tell them, don't go to jail. Good advice for anybody. Yeah. good advice for anybody yeah it's not pretty because i work there and we check you in you know and give you a number and give you uh you know a photograph of yourself and

take your name away so you really have no identity and then what we do is we strip search you you know so you're embarrassed and you lose your dignity because of that. And then you only have, you know, maybe you get one shower a week or, you know, you're locked in to a cell that's really small. And then, you know, maybe you have a phone call every once in a while, whatever the case may be, or you're, you know, you can go to recreation for an hour a day sometimes, sometimes more depending on your level of incarceration. So, you know, and solitary is not pretty. You know, the food is not that great a lot of times.

And you're dealing with people that are predators, you know. So combining all of that together, you know, it's not, what I learned was that, you know, you need to stay away from this place as far as you possibly can because it's not a great place to be. of your exploration of the importance of identity and self-discovery were planted in that experience, if you can make any connections. Yeah, it was planted in that experience because there's two kinds of identities. There's negative identity and there's positive identity. So a lot of times the prisoners were part of everybody has their identity, everybody has an identity.

You can have a negative one or a positive one, and theirs were mostly negative. So if you have to line negative and positive up on a piece of paper, and draw a line down the middle of that piece of paper, put negative on this side and positive on this side, they probably have more negatives on one side, on the left side, than they have positives on the right,

which is why they're in prison in the first place. So your ability to be able to, again, nobody just goes to prison, you know, they go maybe over a long period of time, you look back on their records, and I had an opportunity to look back on their records, and you see this stuff started at 13 years of age you know and they just it got worse and worse and worse and worse and worse so again going back to negative and positive you got more negatives

on one side than you have one other than the start early age so the idea of um you know You know, learning about those experiences around identity is very tied to who you are. You are there because that's who you are. And until you can transform based on moving from negative to positive or from hate to love, then you'll probably go back and be a repeat offender. And I love to be able to, and I have worked in some prisons and halfway houses and all of that, and given the information to inmates and all, so it's been very well received,

but not continuous work. So I don't know how much of a difference I've made through that process, but identity is the foundation for any kind of development, any kind of transformation, any kind of foundational groundwork or foundational platform that you can build for yourself that allows you to now have something to focus on and develop. And that wouldn't make any difference whether you're in prison or anywhere else. The process of success is the same.

When you find it, then you're able to achieve success based on what's possible for you as a human being. Yeah, and I think you and I are in complete agreement. I feel like, and I've heard you speak about this, we spend so much time in our experience in this country and in the educational system, and we learn to be experts in X, Y, and Z, and in this domain, in this process, in this industry, in this field, which can be useful, right? process of learning who you are, of standing in that place where you understand what fills you up and what empties you out, you know, at least not in this really traditional academic world and the things that we all go through as, you know, to check the boxes of becoming a quote, fully formed adult. You know, and it seems like a lot of what you've turned your energy to in the last couple of decades, really, is trying to fill that gap. Yeah, trying to help people figure out the process for success and how that works.

And use my own experiences as an example and also other people's experiences as a way to show that this is how you actually do it. Because what changed me was the fact that I realized, oh, the process of success is the same for everybody. It doesn't make a difference what color you are. It doesn't make any difference what your background is. It doesn't make any difference where you came from, how much money you had, how much money your parents had. The process is the same. It is finding your purpose in life,

focusing on what you do well, practicing it so that you become an expert in your field, creating a vision beyond your circumstances so you can get beyond poverty, laying out a plan so you can consistently develop a plan for what you're gonna do with your time, learning how to set goals, learning how to organize your life around yourself, feeling good about what you're doing, developing a roadmap, you know, that will allow

you to align your goals and aspirations and your vision with where you want to go, deciding who you want to become, creating the image for what that looks like, you know, building, improving yourself every single day, growing, understanding the educational system and how to take that system and make it relevant to your development, you know, constantly learning and developing and building. Einstein said you cannot solve a problem with the same mindset to cause it. So you're constantly learning and reading, having a learning system that you can organize and build and create and develop and shape so

that you can disseminate content that's relevant to your development, your skill sets, your talents, your abilities, what you do well, being able to organize information in the world, in the global marketplace through technology, using technology as a foundation for your existence, being able to be consistent with that every single day based on the lifestyle, being able to create habits, living the conscious and the unconscious, know the difference, becoming aware of where you are, becoming engaged, becoming present, becoming what they say intentional in terms of what you want to accomplish, becoming focused and having a drive that's tied to your existence and not being able to quit.

And every time you fall down and get back up. Yeah. And why don't you deconstruct a couple of those things? Yeah. The word that keeps popping into my mind as you're talking about all of them, though, is, actually it's not a word, it's a phrase, it's in relation. You know, because it feels like a lot of these things happen. Some of them are about internal process.

Some of them are about contemplation, self-study, right? But a lot of that happens in relation to other individuals, in relation to the world. It feels like, you know, even in the earliest days, we define ourselves. You know, I think the earliest identities that we step into are in relation to other people. My identity as a son is in relationship to a parent. My identity as a partner in life is in relationship to someone else or as a teacher is in relationship to students or colleagues. And I wonder for you, how much of your early exploration of these ideas came from internal work versus you exploring how you stepped into your own relationships or with identity internally

and in relationship to others in your life? Well, all of it matters. All of us are interconnected. And again, I have to tell you, the learning has helped me so much. Being able to learn and read and have a clear understanding of what's possible. And putting that into perspective based on issues I have to deal with, with family and relationships. And working to try to manage all of it so you can create some work-life balance around all of it. And to me, that's very, very important. Work-life balance is long-term, it's not short-term,

but it's putting all those things in perspective based on having a vision, having a plan, building from the core of who you are, and figuring out how to balance all of that with all of the interconnected personalities and interconnected relationships and interconnected experiences that you deal with all the time. And putting all of the pieces of the puzzle together. What does the pieces of the puzzle look like? What do you want them to look like?

And what do you have to create in terms of the pieces of the puzzle look like? What do you want them to look like? And what do you have to create in terms of the pieces of the puzzle in order for it to be able to put it in place in terms of the image of yourself and where you want to go and who you want to become? Yeah. You used the phrase, you said work-life balance is long-term, not short-term. Tell me more about that. What do you mean by that? Well, work-life balance, you think you can go out and just get balanced? You can't.

Yeah, I'm with you on that. Okay, so you do all this, you have all of this together, but it doesn't happen in a short period of time. So if you want to create work-life balance, you have to create where you want to be. You've got to create the vision for work-life balance. You've got to create the lifestyle that you want in the future.

What is that going to look like? And then you've got to build that. And you've got to build that five years from now. You know what I mean? You've got to build that five years before that actually happens is what I'm talking about. You know, if you want something in 10 years to look like this, you've got to, you know, it may take 10 years for it to happen. May be able to do it sooner,

but you got to visualize what you want your life to look like. Otherwise, when people talk about being in the moment, it's just in the moment, but they haven't created the moments that they want. So you're just reacting to everything without creating a guideline or a structure around it to determine what your life should look like based on what you want it to look like and based on what your talents are, what your abilities are, what your skills are to create and produce that. So that's another kind of thinking. That's another kind of skill set. Anybody can just work,

work, work, work, and create something, and do something, and build something. That's fine. But does it have a structure around it? Is it global? What's it take to create it? And it's all based on what you believe about yourself. So I got to tie that to your belief about who you think you are. And do you have the tenacity and the determination and the perseverance and the knowledge to be able to create that? Do you have the image for that? You know, what's necessary to be able to, when you talk about work-life balance, to put everything in place so it has a timeline to it, it has a, you know, it's segmented in part of your life. You can segment it based on what you're trying to do.

So if you're doing podcasts, that's a whole work-life balance program right there. And then you got to fit that into your family. You got to fit that into balance program right there. And then you got to fit that into your family. You got to fit that into travel. You got to figure out how to create balance around that. And then you got to have an economic base to go along with that. So work-life balance, you got to create that and you got to plan that. Yeah. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here here it has the biggest display ever it's also the thinnest apple watch ever making it even more comfortable on your wrist whether you're running swimming or sleeping and it's the fastest charging apple watch getting you eight hours of charge in just 15

minutes the apple watch series 10 available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone Xs are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary. Mayday, mayday. We've been compromised. The pilot's a hitman. I knew you were gonna be fun.

On January 24th. Tell me how to fly this thing. Mark Wahlberg. You know what the difference between me and you is? You're gonna die. Don't shoot him. We need him.

Y'all need a pilot. Flight risk. I mean, it's interesting also. You know, it's almost like the difference between working to work and working for something or working towards something.

You know, one of my curiosities, I know you talk to a lot of people and I know you're in and out of schools and talking to a lot of people who are sort of're in and out of schools and talking to a lot of people who are sort of like younger and coming up in life, people who are also very steeped in technology, right? And who are digital natives,

who are living and their minds are being shaped in a world where there's an expectation of instant in every part of their life, whether it's, you know, instant responsiveness on text or whatever device there is, or last stat I saw is like people who are now entering the workforce

have an expectation that they'll be promoted at least once within the first 12 months on the job, if not sooner. And if they're not, there's something wrong, either something wrong with the job or something wrong with them. I'm curious, in your conversations and what you're in the world that we live in, when you look at how we're being wired to expect things to happen in the blink of an eye,

and you know that sometimes it's going to take five years, 10 years to work to this place where things like you're working towards this, and there's no way to shortcut that. Technology isn't going to get you there. How do you navigate that tension? Well, everything should be long-term. So everything should be set up to where this is what, if you had to pick your life and draw your life out or organize your life out,

what would you want it to look like at the end? That's a very, very critical exercise. So you want to study vision and be able to figure out the highest possible vision for you based on the work that you do. And then you want to organize that. And you want to build from that because that's going to really make you happy. And then from there, you have your vision board, which allows you to organize every

single thing you want to put in that vision board that will allow you to kind of pull all the pieces together or create the puzzle so that you have the picture. And you want to tie that to each one of those things. You want to tie it to a vision board so that you have the opportunity to co-create, I call it, and the opportunity to cut and paste and the opportunity to cross-pollinate. Cross-pollinate is probably a better word. To cross-pollinate all those things and have all those things relate to the core of who you are.

That's a strategy. Yeah, and you got to be able to think way out. You got to be able to think way out to actually do that. And you got to be able to build a strong enough core base that will hold all of that together without you breaking the mold and going somewhere else and all of that. So you got to be really clear and focus on what you should be doing. So if you're in the communication business, which you're probably in, communication media

business, what does that look like in terms of your core base? And how do you keep bringing all the things that you're doing back to that core base so it has some roots that will help the body of the work or the body of who you are grow? And you're all going in the same direction. And that's a fascinating process. And if you can diversify an income base around that, okay, because you've got to have diversification today, right, where you can build around communications as the foundational core base of what you do, and then everything that is related to communications, you know, the Internet,

television, radio, pictures, photographs, whatever the case may be, tied to a business program, accounting, marketing, branding, you know, staffing, operations, infrastructure, all of that technology. Now you've got something you can play with. You know, it's probably going to take you to the next level. It's going to take you a long time to build that kind of thing. You've got alliances, you've got partnerships, and you've got distribution. You've got all those things that are relevant to creating something that's special.

Yeah. It's interesting. So you run your own consulting firm. You speak around the world. You write books. You're a leading voice in business and leadership. with the world of personal development or even more of the softer world, like the Google world, the different domain where people focus much more on a different approach to life

to sort of like hear you using that phrase in the context of business and career and sort of like mainstream. Right, absolutely. It's an interesting reflection on your lens of really leadership also and redefining it. I mean, like your latest book, you know, on the surface, the title is Identity Leadership, right?

But underneath the hood, like you open it and a couple pages in, you realize really quickly, you're not talking about essentially leading others. Like, you know, you're talking about gaining leadership over yourself as the fundamental unlock tool for everything. It's a beautiful thing that you get there. You're so smart and so bright that it's just, you know, understanding the value that comes with operating from the core base

of who you are and the energy that comes with that and the enthusiasm about your life and being able to tie that to a structural process, tie that to structure, and tie that to environment, and tie that to human development, and tying that to social economic, and tying that to strategy, and tying that to, again, products and programs and all of that.

It's a fascinating way to build it first. You know, if you follow the steps, the first step is you got to know who you are. The second step is you got to have a vision. Now, it takes a long time to kind of find that vision yeah and not just for other for you but yeah for yourself just vision for yourself and then the layout the vision for it and then man here comes the execution you got to actually execute that so depending on how big your vision is which will determine your value determine determine your money, determine your opportunity. All of that is determined by vision because vision kind of sets the tone for who you can

possibly be. And a lot of times you have these big dreams, right? And you lock them into your vision. And if you're serious about them, you can accomplish them, but it's going to take you a long time. And then from there, once you at least get on the right track and realize, oh, I can actually mind map this program, create this vision board, organize the process and the business model, and now I need to execute it, and now I need to put in the people. Right. That's where they come in.

Yeah. The people for making it happen. Right. But if you skip to that first, nobody follows, nobody gets on board, nobody rallies with you to create this thing. And my sense is that a big part of the reason is because you haven't done the work to create the alignment and the clarity and the sense of being, you know, that allows you to stand before other people and let them say, oh, I want to get on this train. Right. At least you have enough. It's beautiful that you have enough experience

and, you know, which is why you're so successful with this, to break it all down and see it and know what actually works for you and know what makes it very successful for you and your style and your mannerisms and all of that. And you're able to, you know, create a vision of where you want to go with this. And you have to do your research to be able to do that before you actually do the interview. So you already know where you want to carry it and what it's going to look like. Cause you got an hour and you know, you're organized in the stories and you're

organized in the process and all that kind of stuff. And then, you know, it's personal. It grabs people and you have a sense of that. So that says a lot about who you are, you know, in terms of having and being that astute and also self-aware, you know. So you have that. And isn't that the word? Isn't that what it really all comes? I mean, you use the word self-actualization.

Let's use the word consciousness. Right. Yeah, raising consciousness, which we're trying to do with the platform, and you're trying to do it with your book, but raise consciousness so that people are self-aware and that they realize, oh, there could be another world here. Just because I'm living in this, you know, outside world and I'm focused on this, there's also, there could be an inside world. There could be something else that's deeper. You know, as I go deeper in the development of this work, it's going to create more opportunities, you know. So if you just act it out, you're limited in your opportunities.

But when you go deep in the development of this, and you start breaking this down, you start organizing, you start organizing the pieces, and you organize those pieces, and you create additional revenue sources based on the other pieces because you've went deep. It allows you now to really become an expert based on what you do because you out-distance 99% of the people who are living on the outside thinking that all the opportunities are on the outside when really it's on the inside.

And if you can attach it to your core base of who you are, then you can go down to the pit and you can build it from the bottom. And then you can begin to scale it up, you know? So I love that. I love that whole process. Yeah. And I, and I keep circling back to, right. It's always like circling ecosystem, right?

Everything. It's like your cross pollination, cross pollination, ecosystem. Right. Everything cross, right? It's like you're cross-pollination, right? Cross-pollination, ecosystem, learning, creating opportunities, development, because you have an environment that you, you know, that creates opportunities through a capitalistic system and a democracy. So you have the ability to be able to really make things happen here in the United States, where you go to some other states that are failed states and failed governments. You don't even have to set up, you know,

you might be put in jail for starting a podcast, you know, so you don't even have the opportunity. So it's just great that, you know, we live here, which is why so many people are trying to come here, because of these systems and because the systems work and because we have structure and because we have strong infrastructure and because we have good streets and because we have good sidewalks and because we have stoplights that actually work, you know, and because we have fast food restaurants and restaurants and places we can go and hopefully clean water and all of that. Where does gratitude fit into this, your lens on living a good life, on being here on the planet?

So you've got nine things. You've got your own framework, right? Where does gratitude weave into this whole thing? The first step is love. So everything is love. And that's the gratitude. You keep going back to love, you'll get the gratitude. You'll get the humility.

You'll get the gratitude, you'll get the humility, you'll get the strength, you'll get the ability to be able to weave in and out difficult situations. You'll overcome the fear. You only have one emotion at a time. You know, love and fear. I mean, you know, so you'll get that and you're able to kind of navigate and find out the answers don't always come just because you want them to come. They just kind of show up. Man, life would be a lot easier if you did.

Yeah. You gotta, you gotta, again, go down to the pit. If you go down to the pit, you know, and start at the,

at the bottom and then move up, you know, there's a lot of answers that will appear based on that. And so it's wonderful to be able to have the gratitude and be grateful because it opens up the opportunities like it opens up your hand. If you have a fist and you tighten the fist up, nothing in, nothing out. But gratitude is love. It's opening up. It's being grateful.

It's opening up the opportunities for another opportunity to exist. Yeah. You, the conversation quite a while back, you brought up, I guess it was a story that you and your friends used to hang out with when you were a kid. And the guy named Mr. T.A. Right. And how basically there was a moment where he said, you can amount to nothing. You come from a family who's like not smart, who's not capable and don't even think about.

And it sounds like a lot of your early years were, you know, granted he's just a representative of like a person who I'm sure like said similar things. You have a lot of early years where it sounds like fueled at least in part to prove that voice wrong. You're in a much different part of your life now, right? You're out there in the world. You have built tools and experiences and companies and services and offerings and books that are doing good work, that are helping a lot of people.

What's your why now? Do you still have any remaining, I'm going to prove Mr. T wrong, or is that completely in your past? And if so, what is the thing that wakes you up in the morning? Why are you doing the work you're doing in the world now? Well, number one, I feel like I'm starting. It's learning all of this and building the model and being able to disseminate the identity leadership work that I'm doing

and get that right and get the platform right. It's taken all these years. So you might think I'm just, hey, you've created all this success, but actually I'm just beginning to understand how to disseminate this content. And then having the frame of mind so that I don't have to prove anything, don't have to worry about what Mr. T.A. said or anything like that, that's great. And to be able to figure out how to organize this so it becomes a part of a systemic process to deliver the content that's relevant to self-actualization and self-development and self-empowerment. It takes a long time.

It takes a long time to do that. If you do it right, if you just want to make money or you want to do something quick, find something else to do. This is not it. So, of course, we'll do fine and eventually we'll this thing will you know be exactly what i want it to be because i work so hard building it from the ground up and it takes time to do that you know so uh god willing and so you just keep working and working and working and working until it comes together. Yeah. But I guess my deeper question is, why does this matter?

You're giving up a lot of your life to do this. Why? Like, why does this matter so much to you? I'm giving up all my life. Yeah. All of my life to do it. Why? What's underneath that?

Why is this so important to you? Well, it's important because it's important to be able to help somebody else get it. And it's important to develop a system that will support this kind of work, school system, educational system, American Free Enterprise system, social systems that will actually help people contribute more to our country and to our world. So they'd be better corporate citizens and better community citizens. And, you know, they don't have the same kind of, you know, they can maintain a strong family based on the mentality and based on understanding how it works, raise the tax base, increase opportunity, all of that, basically being a contributing member based on their

performance. So to me, all of that's worthwhile to sacrifice whatever I have to sacrifice to get other people there based on what I've discovered for myself. And so I'm just the conduit. I'm just the, you know, the manager or the person that just tries to drive it. So somebody's got to drive it.

And always, the thing about leadership, leadership is so powerful because leadership, of all is rare. And what it takes to be a leader is a lot of work and a lot of sacrifice and a lot of learning and it takes a lot of talent development and a lot of focus on what you do well so you can lead in your category. What LeBron has done in order to be a leader in this category, and more so Michael Jordan, who's been a leader in this category,

who Michael Jordan is, and I talk about Tom Brady, who Tom Brady is and what it's taken for them to be who they are, these guys have sacrificed all of their life to be able to be at the top of their game. If they want to get into something else, they got to put the same amount of time into it. They switch to another career, they got to put the same amount of time into it, the same practice time. They got to start all over. They got to prove themselves, everything else, because the process is the same for every single thing. But to be able to, in the end, look back and say, man,

I've done a great job. I mean, that's what you want to be able to do. Yeah. This feels like a good place for us to come full circle, too. So if we sit here in this studio, Good Life Project, if I offer up the phrase, to live a good life, what comes up? To live a good life is to be at peace. Thank you. Thank you. What should I do with my life? We have created a really cool online assessment that will help you discover the source code for the work that you're here to do.

You can find it at sparkotype.com. That's S-P-A-R-K-E-T-Y-P-E.com. Or just click the link in the show notes. And of course, if you haven't already done so, be sure to click on the subscribe button in your listening app so you never miss an episode. And then share, share the love. If there's something that you've heard in this episode that you would love to turn into a conversation, share it with people and have that conversation. Because when ideas become conversations that lead to action,

that's when real change takes hold. See you next time. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes.

The Apple Watch Series X. Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone XS or later required, charge time and actual results will vary.