Good Life Project - Elizabeth Gilbert | The Simple Practice That Changed Her Life (and might change yours)

Episode Date: April 21, 2024

What if writing simple letters of love to yourself could change everything? Liz Gilbert shares an unusual practice that became her lifeline during painful times. Discover how tapping into self-compassion through daily letter writing provides surprising wisdom and comfort. Liz explains the transformative power of listening to your heart's guidance - something she now shares with thousands on her popular Substack, Letters From Love. Learn to turn inward and receive the unconditional love and support you crave through this magical daily ritual. Liz provides inspiration and practical guidance to unlock your inner wisdom through writing.You can find Liz at: Website | Letters From Love with Elizabeth Gilbert | Instagram | Episode TranscriptIf you LOVED this episode you’ll also love the conversations we had with Elizabeth Gilbert about navigating love and loss and finding lightness again.Check out our offerings & partners: My New Book SparkedMy New Podcast SPARKED. Visit Our Sponsor Page For Great Resources & Discount Codes Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

People take risks every single day, yet this one, asking somebody to be courageous enough to open up a blank notebook and write, dear love, what would you have me know? And then imagine what unconditional love would say to them feels like, oh, that's a bridge too far. I'm not doing that. And I call people out on that because I'm like, I've seen this. I've seen the risks you've taken in your life. You know, I dare you to take this risk and to see.

And I think that largely the reason that we're so frightened to do it is because we've never experienced it. Like nobody ever loved us unconditionally. So I would ask that you try it. And So I would ask that you try it. And then I would ask that you try it again. And then I would ask that you try it again. Because this is your inheritance. You are allowed to be loved.

It's too hard without it. So when you think of the author, Elizabeth Gilbert, what immediately comes to mind? For so many, it's the journey that she took that led to the blockbuster book, Eat, Pray, Love. Or maybe it's her viral TED Talk on creativity. Or maybe the many additional books that have come over the years. But there's another reason Liz has stayed in my heart and mind for so many years. After I first sat down with her on the podcast, I think nearly about a decade ago. It was her heart, her kindness, her wisdom, and her sense of lightness and laughter. many years after I first sat down with her on the podcast, I think nearly about a decade ago.

It was her heart, her kindness, her wisdom, and her sense of lightness and laughter, even through profound struggle and loss. Her willingness to be utterly Liz and love herself wholly. That famed line from when Harry met Sally scrolled through my consciousness, I'll have what she's having. And over the years, building on that early conversation with Liz, I came to learn how far from that place she'd spent so much of her life, how consumingly negative so much of her inner talk had been until a single revelation turned practice changed everything for her. One that's available to all of us. So with the launch of Liz's Letters from Love newsletter and community on Substack last year, she revealed this simple yet transformative writing practice that brought her back to how loved she is and has always been, even when it felt so far away. Every week in her

Letters from Love community, Liz shares a letter that she's written to herself from a place of love, one that begins with the same prompt every time, dear love, what would you have me know today? And alongside hers, she shares a letter from a special guest, coupled with a video of them reading it aloud. So this week, we decided to do a bit of a fun collaboration. Liz asked me if I would be her guest letter writer, sharing my own personal letter from love, written from love to me and through me. I have to admit, this kind of scared me. It is a profoundly vulnerable act for me to not only write, but also to share and then read aloud. But I said yes, because she asked and I trust her implicitly, but also because something in me knew that I needed it. And you can read her letter and my letter

over at Letters From Love now. We've published both simultaneously, this episode and that letter. We've included a link in the show notes, but that's not all. I was also just really curious about the genesis of this practice. Where did it come from?

What did it look like over the years? How do you actually do the practice? Especially as I was about to write mine, what are the quote best practices if they even exist, the do's and don'ts, the desires and fears that come up, and how can we all embrace the juicy wisdom and feeling of being deeply held that accompanies this practice? So Liz and I decided to record this conversation, one that dives into all of this and more. And as you listen in to Liz's wisdom, her stories and simple approach to crafting your own letters from love emerged. And you'll also hear about how I was going about writing my own letter with a little too much head and not enough trust and heart and how she invited me to take a

different tact that was so helpful when I finally sat down to do it. So listen in as Liz walks us through the practice of writing letters from love, and then be sure to head over to her Letters From Love sub stack, where she shares her letter this week, and then to read and hear me speak my own letter from love today. Again, that link is in the show notes. And finally, if you're game, take a deep breath, grab a journal, and write your own first letter from love. So excited to share this conversation with you.

I'm Jonathan Fields, and this is Good Life Project. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes.

The Apple Watch Series 10. Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone XS or later required, charge time and actual results will vary. Mayday, mayday, we've been compromised. The pilot's a hitman. I knew you were going to be fun. January 24th. Tell me how to fly this thing. Mark Wahlberg.

You know what the difference between me and you? You're going to die. Don't shoot him. We need him. Y'all need a pilot. Flight Risk. I think an interesting starting point for us is you have been writing these letters from love to yourself for many, many, many years now.

Before we dive into what these are and how they work and all the details, I'd love to take a little bit of a step back in time. And my curiosity is, what was happening with you? What was happening in your life when the idea first came to you to say, you know what, I need to sit down and literally write this thing to myself. What was going on? Oh, man. It was my dark night of the soul. I mean, we have many of them, I think, over the course and journeys of our lives. But this was the lowest. This was the worst of the worst. And partially it's because I didn't have any tools yet. I was so unformed as a spiritual being and my living as a human being based on everything I

had ever been taught to the best of my ability was totally failing me. But I didn't have a back, I didn't have a good backup ideology. You know, I think probably everybody must know this. I was 30 years old. I'm 55 almost now. And I was going through a divorce. I had ill advisedly, but very innocently thrown myself into a passionate love story right on the heels of the breakup of that marriage. That was a disaster that, you know, everything that I had been planning for my life and then my other plans besides those had fallen apart. Like I couldn't make anything work. And I was so full of shame and so full of despair and longing for love on the heels of two in a row of just like shattering heart failures and lonely, depressed and anxious. And I didn't, I just didn't have any, my toolkit was empty because I had not been

taught any of the things I needed to survive something like that. And I've since found out that this is very common in people who have are going through a really bad depressive or anxiety episode. I was always waking up at like 430 in the morning wide awake, and in terrible despair. And that's like the literal dark. It's like, because it's, you can't do anything at 430 in the morning, like you can't just, you're too exhausted to just get up and start the day. There's nothing to be done, but you can't go back to sleep. You can't take a sleeping pill at 4.30 in the morning.

You can't call anybody at 4.30 in the morning. It's the real reckoning hour and a wrecking ball of an hour if you're in a bad state. And I was in one of those fits of despair. And I, to this day, don't know where it came from. I mean, it was a gift from the beyond, but the message came, open up a notebook and write to yourself, and this was the exact direction, write to yourself the exact words that you have always wanted to hear somebody else say to you. And that's a really easy direction for most people. I mean, it's difficult sometimes when I tell people to write themselves a letter from unconditional love, they don't know what that

means. But if I say, write the thing that you wish somebody would say to you. Suddenly they know the answer to that, right? It's like the thing we've been longing for or dreaming of or fantasizing about. And so for me, the letter was not much different than the ones I get now, 25 years later or 30 years later. It was like, first of all, I love you. I don't need you to be any different than you are in order to love you. You don't have to earn my love. You can't lose my love. You were born with this. I'll be with you through all of this. I'm not going anywhere. You're not alone. And for me, I think the most transformative language in that letter was there's nowhere else in the universe I would rather be than sitting here with you right now.

And I have nowhere else that's more important to be. That's what I had been missing my whole life was, you know, even in childhood, I mean, especially in childhood, was somebody's undivided attention, you know, somebody's undivided attention saying, I know you're having a hard time. I'm going to sit with you and I don't have 27,000 other things I need to be doing. I'm just going to sit here with you. I'm just going to be with you. And the letter went on to say, I was debating whether or not to go back on antidepressants at that time. And it said, if you need to do that, I will love you. If you decide not to do that, I will love you. If you're depressed for the rest of your life, I'll love you. You know, these major points of

like, you don't need to be different than you are. You don't need to improve. Because when you're in that state that's so low, improvement just seems so impossible. And to have some entity say to you, that's all right. It's not required that you get better. It's not required that you ever become happy. It's not required that you become successful. I just love you. And I'm not going anywhere. And that was the beginning of this practice that I've now done for almost three decades since then. And that has gotten me through. I've never had really hard times since then, but I've never gotten as low as that because this is the ultimate safety net. This practice is the thing that will catch me before

I get that low. Yeah. I mean, it's so powerful, right? There are a couple of things that really strike me about that. Part of it is this surrender to the notion of the fact that, you know what, I may or may not ever hear these words from somebody outside of me in my life. God willing, I'm fortunate, I have blessings and I do. But what would happen if I almost assumed that I won't? This sort of brings up the Buddhist notion of abandoning hope. When I first heard that notion, I was, that's a terrible idea. Who made that up? I want to be filled with hope. But when I really understood what it meant, which is that there may be some things that you can control in your life. There may be plenty of other things that you can't. But to the extent that sort of like, this is me now, if I assume I'm not going to rely on that external thing to

come and fix something for me, if I abandon hope of that, then what? What do I actually start to do? And it's so odd that, and this is partly what you're describing, that this notion of abandoning hope can also really seed agency in so many ways, which is a little bit counterintuitive, I think. Yeah, you know that line in the Tao Te Ching, hope is as hollow as fear. And I also, as a good, red-blooded American, did not like that when I read it. I was like, well, no, that's not okay. And hope and fear are not the same thing.

And you have to have, you know, but in fact, hope is a weird varietal of fear. It's like, I'm fearing that I won't be able to endure if this continues. And so I have to have hope that it's going to end. Usually that's founded. Most things end, you know, like most things, they're a cycle, like most things change eventually. But when you're in the crucible of pain and you can't find that and you can't reach that, to be told to have hope is almost cruel, but to be told that the way that you're feeling is okay and understandable and nobody's going to make you advance beyond where you are. One of the things that unconditional love often says to me is, I'm never going to make you do anything

before you're ready. And that's something that no human has ever said to me either. Because, you know, we're humans, and I've never said to anybody else, because I've got my own agendas of like, what I want, and when I want it. And, you know, and it's like this idea that there could be a force in the universe that is perfectly comfortable with you exactly where you are and what state you are at, what level of evolution doesn't need you to hasten that, knows that you can't, in a strange way brings this serenity in which then transformation might actually be possible. Once I'm off the hook, once I've been promised that I'm worthy and loved and valued, whether or not I'm

happy or contented or productive or efficient or admired, now I have a little space. I have a little space and I might actually be able to move to the next step. I'm curious how you, what your take is on this. I love the word transformation. Years back when I was sort of like deeply immersed in the world of yoga, I was introduced to the concept of not transformation, but liberation, like the Sanskrit phrase Jivan Mukti or Jivan Mukti literally translates to liberated being. And the notion, it struck me as being different from transformation because the notion was, I'm not becoming something else. I'm stripping away all that obscures my ability to see who I've always been. And that's enough.

I'm curious, do you make a similar distinction there? I mean, I don't think I've put it as eloquently because I haven't been living in the thought of it as you obviously have, but I'm grateful for that. I like that. It resonates within my body. Moksha is the other word that I love of liberation. And moksha is what we've been promised. I really do feel that, that liberation is what we have been promised. I really do feel that, that like, liberation is what we have been promised. But boy, do you have to let go of a lot of stuff before you can have it. I mean, you sort of trade

everything for it. That's what I think. And as somebody who's recently, meaning in the last five years, come into 12-step recovery, and that voice of love has been the higher power that's been guiding me through addiction recovery. You know, I hear again and again in these dialogues that I'm having with unconditional love, sweetheart, I want you to put that down now. You know, I want you to put that down now. We don't need that now. You needed it. So you're not in trouble that you needed it. You needed it very much, but you don't need it anymore. And the phrase I always hear in my head or read in these letters is, put it on the divine fire and walk away.

And whatever it is, I mean, anybody who's listening to this knows what their it is, whether it's a substance or a person or an outcome or even grief or rage or resentment, all of it, the promise of liberation and the promise of moksha is you can have it, but you got a lot to put on the divine fire, and that's your role in it, right? And also don't reach back in and take it back out once you put it on the fire. Don't be putting your, like, asbestos gloves on and, like, raking a few things back out. You know, it's like, no, put it down. You know, put it down. Walk away and walk toward.

It's not even a walking away. It's a walking toward. You know, walk toward love and liberation. The other thing that jumps out at me also, the way you describe, especially that first experience of it, was this notion that you asked the question, you know, like, what would I love somebody else to say to me in this moment? And then it's almost like you're not anthropomorphizing love, because love just is, right. Like, I don't think it's like, oh, it's the other person saying it to me, but like, you're very intentional about saying

this is coming from outside somewhere. And it's almost like pouring into, it's pouring through me and yet it's coming from you at the same time. Both, both. Yeah. I mean, it's, I have a friend who's an IFS practitioner and and she was telling me about, that's internal family systems therapy, for those who don't know, but it's essentially family therapy within your own mind. It's group therapy with all the different voices in your head, learning how to help them all speak to each other from a place of understanding and respect. And one of the things that she was telling me about is that there's neurological research, which I'm so into all the crazy wild neurological research that we

have at our fingertips now to back up this stuff. But if I say to you, Jonathan, how do you feel about yourself? And then I say to you, how do you feel towards yourself? It's going to feel differently. It actually takes you into a different part of your brain. So how do you feel towards yourself? It's going to feel differently. It actually takes you into a different part of your brain. So how do you feel about yourself is judgment. And how do you feel towards yourself creates a sense of empathy where you can see this being who is maybe suffering and maybe struggling. You can have some sympathy for the predicament, the karmic predicament that they're in. Like, wow, it's tough to be a person. It's tough to be Jonathan. Like some days it's, wow, I see that. I feel a lot of sympathy toward this person. I

feel a lot of care toward this person. They're really doing their best. And that's a very different mindset than asking someone how they feel about themselves. Because then you're going to bring up the grocery list of all your faults and all your things that need to be transformed and everything that's wrong with you. And we have enough of that. We have enough of that. Most of us got enough of that in our families and in our cultures, and we carry that in. So writing a letter from love is turning toward yourself. Depression and anxiety is thinking about yourself. And writing these words of kindness is a turning toward. I refuse to believe that it's not coming from an external source. I don't have any reason not to believe it because I don't even know where

that idea came from, that initial inspiration. I never know what it's going to say. I never know what love is going to say. It changes by the day. I mean, the basics are always the same. Like, I love you. There's nothing you can do to lose that. You're my beloved. There's nowhere else I'd rather be than here with you. I've got you. I'll be with you. Everyone else can come and go. We're here. That's the same, but then there's often very specific direction. And sometimes love tells me what it wants me to do. And sometimes love tells me what it wants me to stop doing. Sometimes love tells me who to call and how to show up in service to the world and the work that it wants me to be doing. And then sometimes it tells me to retreat and to let the world take care of itself and to find my center again and to turn

off my phone. And it's different by the day because my needs are different by the day. You know, this is not a one and done practice. It's not like I got that letter downloaded once and I never needed love again. I need it every day, and I need its direction and its reassurance. And I also need to know that even if I am not able to carry out what it asked me to do, that it will still be there tomorrow. I love how you describe it existing outside of you. And it's also really consistent with sort of your broader thoughts on things like ideas, creativity, the muse,

God, however people like do or don't understand or describe that experience. But it seems like there's also, there's this openness to accept the fact that there is something out there, you know, just call it what you may. There is some Akashic field, connectedness. There's some energy. Maybe there are different energies. Maybe it's all just the same cosmic soup that we're floating around in without any sense of awareness. But I wonder if that notion that there's something else out there that is always there, that has a benevolence to it, and that part of our work is actually to open to it, it takes a bit of the pressure off of us. Do you have that sense? 100%. And one of the things that I put on the divine fire and walked away from and gave up on was living a life of non-duality. Because I chased that for a really long time,

because I read a lot of books, and it sounded awesome. And I wanted to be that. And it seemed like that's what enlightenment was. And I need there, so far, I mean, this might change, and I might have some sort of massive spontaneous awakening experience, but I don't need that. The way that my mind is constructed,, the way that my mind is constructed and the way that my heart is constructed, if anything, I'm more of a bhakti yoga. I'm like, I'm here for the path of devotion. And for devotion, you have to have two. There's no, you can't really bhakti yogi your way into one, like oneness, because then there's no one to be devoted to and there's no one to love me.

And my love language is love. So I need there to be something, an intelligence, a consciousness, a presence, a creation, an ongoing creation in the universe that I am separate from, like made from, part of, but stand apart from and look at. I gaze at it with wonder and it gazes back at me. That really works for me. And so for that, I need a God. And I get to have one because I need one. I get to have one. That's the great thing. I had this wonderful moment when I was working the 12 steps in recovery and my sponsor, when we got to step three,

which is made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of the God of our understanding. You know, I thought I had that sort of down because I've always been a spiritual person. But she gave me this extraordinary assignment for that step that was like, like really blew my mind open. She said, I want you to write a list of what you're looking for in a God. Um, like a one ad, like what you're like, uh, what are the traits that you would need to have in a higher power for you to turn your life over to that higher power because no one's seeking

yeah yeah exactly exactly must be good with animals you know long walks on the beach precisely right and i was like i think of myself as an open thinker but i was like you can't do that you know like you can't do that mean, you get the God that you get, you get the God that's been assigned to you. But why one of the features of a God that I could love would be allowing itself to move into the shape of whatever I needed it to be, because I needed that. And it would provide that and be like, okay, you need a God in this form here. I'll be that, right? I'll be that because I want to connect with you. And this is what's going to work. So this is how we're going to do it. And my list started with unconditionally loving.

It just has to be. There can't be a small-minded judgmental God. It can't be. I won't survive that. I can barely survive my own small-minded judgmental mind. So I need a God who's more expansive and loving than I am. And then when I have that, and I have the love of that being, then I can start to put things on the divine fire and walk away. I can let go of certain outcomes and be like, okay, that's actually really might be all I need. And the less I need, the more I can serve. Because the more my needs are met, my needs are met, then I'm not manipulating people. And I'm not trying to hustle anybody. And I'm not subtly trying to make sure that I get my needs met through other human beings. So it's working for me. It's a beautiful exercise. You're allowed to

do it. You're allowed to design your, it's like a build a bear. You can design your own deity. I love that. Just that notion of like a, like a wanted ad, you know, like what would that look like? And the way you're describing it also, you know, it's so cool because how many people have stayed in relationships way longer than they know they should have been in them? Because we're afraid that, you know, well, it's not healthy. It's not nourishing. It's not giving me what I want and need and yearn for, but it's there and it's got to be better than, you know, like nothing. And what if nothing ever

comes along again? And what this tees up is this notion that, well, that would still be okay, actually, because you're still held like by something bigger that exists outside of yourself. It may still suck. It may be brutal going through whatever that transition moment is, but there's always going to be this thing. And it creates a bit of a soft landing or a softer landing maybe for experiences that we grasp desperately to may not really be for us. So I love this notion. whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch,

getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series X. Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone XS or later required, charge time and actual results will vary. Mayday, mayday. We've been compromised. The pilot's a hitman. I knew you were going to be fun. January 24th. Tell me how to fly this thing. Mark Wahlberg. I wanted to answer some of the mechanics with you here also, in no small part

because you've asked me to write one of these of course I have, you didn't think you were going to get away with it. So, you know, I've been noodling on it a bunch. And we had this exchange where I was saying, you know, like I've had this really interesting moment over like, you know, a couple of conversations over, you know, a period of a number of months, talking to different people, sometimes people who are like just overtly really struggling in a season of their lives. Some people, you look at them from the outside looking in, they seem to have everything. They've accomplished everything.

And this theme kept coming up over and over and over, which is this feeling of having fallen behind in your own life. So we had a quick back and forth and you were like, I want you to write a letter of love and speak to this in that. And my first impulse was, oh, hell no. But it's you. I love you. And I was like, and I've been following along with the letters that you've been sharing. And I'm like, yeah, this feels like it's actually, it would be really good. So I've been thinking a little bit more and just thinking about it. While I think about it, you know, questions come up like, how do I actually do this? And is there sort of like a hit list of do's and don'ts? Or is that completely contrary to what

the entire thing is even about in the first place so when i'm thinking about this when i'm sort of saying okay so i want to sit down and actually do this thing and you kind of teed up like the basic things i think early in our conversation but one of the things that comes up sort of like right away is and you and i have been writing in various forms for quote the public for a long, long, long time. We're creating for the public in a long, long time. And granted, hopefully we're creating for ourselves at the same time. It just happens to resonate with people beyond ourselves. But at the same time, it's really hard to get that voice out of your head that says,

I'm not just writing for me. This has got to be something, let me extol on this, let me think about the language. Let me, you know, oh, this is phrased in a way, I need to work this sentence, right? And I started, I caught myself like, even in the very beginning, parts of just noodling on this, caught myself just drifting into all these different places and wondering, I'm like, is that okay? Or is that just completely not what it's about? Oh, gosh. Well, thinking is, of course, not what we're doing here. So right away, I lost the game. And, you know, it's interesting, the people who seem to sometimes have the biggest obstacles

doing this practice are people like you and me are used to writing and creating content for the public. And so we're very self-conscious writers. This is an intuitive and mystical experience, not an intellectual or in a weird way, even emotional experience. There's a surrender in it. There's a leap of faith. And what I would invite you to do is, instead of noodling on one letter, to write one every day and set the timer for five minutes. And when you're done, step away from it. Because my experience is anything much more than five minutes, And when you're done, step away from it. Because my experience

is anything much more than five minutes. And then now I'm involved, right? I'm going to be editing, I'm going to be improving sentences, you know, the letters that you've been seeing me read on the sub stack on the newsletter, I write those in five minutes. And I don't edit them because it's better if I'm not the one writing it. So the way that I teach it, there's also, if anyone is interested in this, I found out 20 years after I started doing this, that there's this, this is an official practice called two way prayer. I didn't know there was a name for it. Interestingly, it came out of the early Alcoholics Anonymous groups. Bill W. did it. Dr. Bob did it. Any of you who know these early AA all-stars, they had this practice, the Oxford group, the people who started the first Alcoholics

Anonymous fellowships. For some reason, it didn't end up in the big book of AA, but it's in their history that Bill W apparently believed that there was no more important practice that a recovering addict of any kind could have than this as a daily practice. That it was more important to write these, what he called two-way prayers and the way that they taught it, that it was more important to do these two-way prayers than it was to go to meetings, than it was to have a sponsor, because you're getting direct divine revelation specifically tailored for you. If you're reading spiritual books, you're reading somebody else's direct divine spiritual revelation that was specifically tailored to them.

But interestingly, the way he suggested that you begin the practice is you sit quietly for a minute and then you read a spiritual text of some sort that opens your heart, that moves you profoundly. So for me, it's reading any page of Song of Myself by Walt Whitman, which is like a psalm to me. Anything by Mary Oliver, David White's poetry. It's the poets who do it for me, right? So if I were having trouble accessing love, I would read one of their poems. And the way I've heard it described is, you know, those people had Hafiz, Rumi, other fantastic, right? They were hearing love's voice and they were writing down what they heard. So when you read their work, they were kind enough to leave the door open. That's how I see it.

It's like, so you're going to draft in right after them, right? Like, so you're going to, they left the door open to love. Your heart opens, you get that residual heart, you know, the contact high of being around Huffies or Rumi or Mary Oliver or Walt Whitman or the Psalms or any of the great spiritual writing. You're open. And then in the next moment, you open up a notebook and you write, we only want to hear from you once. It's not a deposition. It's not an interview. Because once you're dialoguing, you're bringing your intellect back in. And that's what we're trying to do a work around, right? So the question that opens

the door, you say, dear love, what would you have me know today? And better not to ask about a specific thing. Better because I don't even know what I don't know, you know? And if I bring love a problem that I'm working on, I'm going to bring the I don't know, you know? And if I bring love a problem that I'm working on, I'm going to bring the problem into the page, right? Lots of times I open up the page and I write, dear love, what would you have me know? And I'm expecting that they're going to solve some interpersonal problem I have, but I always call them they. The answer is something entirely different. You know, it's like, sweetheart, first of all, we need you to drink a big glass of water. Oftentimes it's like the most basic care. It's like, why are you wearing a bra? It's four o'clock

in the afternoon. Take that off, drink a big glass of water, take your shoes off, turn your phone off and sit with us for a moment because we have things to tell you and you're tense and we want you to hear, right? Sometimes that's what comes through. So what I would invite you to do is to not noodle on it and to not think about it and to not plan it and to not bring a problem to love's feet, but to just bring yourself emptyhanded after having read something that opens your heart and that one question, dear love, what would you have me know today? And then the other thing that's advised is that the first line that you write back to yourself should be an endearment because that softens your heart towards yourself. A nickname, sweetheart, honey bunch, love, love head, my little tiny turtle, my precious little striver, my tendril of Ivy, my little pine cone, my little bunny ass. Like I see you and I love you.

Like something that's very dear. One of the first exercises that I had people do when we did this was just to write lists of endearments because they make you laugh and they're silly. And we all call our pets by a thousand different endearments. We all call children by a thousand different endearments. And my dad used to say the much loved child has many nicknames. You are a much loved child of God. Honeyhead is the thing that I'm always called in love, like honeyhead, honeyhead, calm down, right? So the next line should be an endearment. My sweetheart, my darling, my precious, I'm right here. And then see what it has to say. And at first, it's going to be the act of faith at first is that it's going to start as an act of imagination before

it becomes an act of faith. So the imagination that you step into is imagining what would unconditional love say if it could speak to me? What would it want me to know? What would it say? That's the act of imagination. But very soon, I promise if you do this for five minutes a day, and you don't think about it too much, very soon it will stop being an act of imagination and it will start being an act of intuition. And something's just going to start flowing out of that pen. I also recommend that you write by hand and not on a laptop because there's something more connected about paper and pen than there is about, like, I've got an assignment and now I'm going to type it. And, yeah, there've got an assignment and now I'm going to type it. And yeah, there's something tactile about that. And you set the timer for five minutes and you just see what unconditional love has to say to you. And then you just look back at it.

And if it sounds like the voice of love, then it is. You don't have to wonder, was this God? Is this an angel? Am I connected to source? Is there anything that you wrote that doesn't sound loving? Probably there won't be. So even if it feels very facile and sort of embarrassing and weird and self-conscious, even if it's just saying, I love you, you're doing a good job. I'm not going anywhere. I'm proud of you. I'm with you. That is the voice of love. It doesn't have to be more complex than that. We don't need you to be smart. You're plenty smart. Like I'm super fucking smart. And I've nearly killed myself a few times because of lack of love. So it's not about being poetic. It's not

about being a good writer. It's not about being, having something to offer the world that's original. You know, we have enough originality. What we don't have is love. So I don't know if that's it as like, I've got to write this one letter. And A, I just used the word phrase gotta in there, which like already is. Nope. Let's just rephrase it. Like, I get to do this. You know, like, this is a beautiful thing. And then the notion of thinking of it as like, well, what if your phrase is not just like, I'm going to sit down and do this one time. What if I just say yes to this as a practice for a while and see how it feels? And the stream of consciousness part of it is also so much lighter. As you're describing it, one of the questions that came into my mind also is, so as we have this conversation, I'm out in California and you're in New York, but I'm very fortunate to have Colorado as my home these days. And I'm in the mountains all the time. I hike all the time. The place I touch stone is when I'm in the woods and also by the ocean. But I just completely lose myself. And I find as I do that, my mind clears. I feel connected to whatever it is, that thing that you might describe as source or God or universe, whatever it may be, that that's my place.

And at the same time, often things just, feelings flood me, but also language flood me, ideas, concepts, and I'll often find myself. I generally, I try not to actually listen to anything when I'm out there. I just want to be immersed in the sounds and the sights. But sometimes something will just come to me, a revelation, an awakening, whatever it may be, and I'll pull out my telephone and I'll just want to record it by voice as quickly as I can because I feel like it's kind of pouring through me at that moment. And I wonder if you see that as a potentially viable way to say yes to this also.

You already are. It's happening already. Yeah. It's like, dude, don't you see it? Yeah, you're in it. You're soaking in it. It's already there, you know, as close as that. I also was thinking as you were sharing about that, St. Augustine had a phrase, solvator ambulando, that means it is solved by walking. We know this, if you're able-bodied and lucky and privileged enough to be able to walk, that going for a walk, I've always thought is like sort of resetting a grandfather clock. It's like, you know, we're meant to move at that speed. We're meant to be in trees. We're meant to be outdoors. So it definitely opens it up. And I would say, while you're out there, since that channel is

already open to you and you trust it, and it wants to commune with you, obviously, because it's pouring words into you and wants to talk to you, ask it directly. What do you want me to know right now? What do you want me to know is such a good question because it's not, what do you want me to do? Who do you want me to become? What do you want me to change? What's your mission for me? You know, we're so mission driven in the West. I think love just wants to be known and it wants you to know that it knows you and that it cares and that it sees you and sees you seeing it. You know, I think this is so revelatory for me because I was taught to pray in a way that's really just me talking or reading prayers that other people wrote. I was taught that

that's what prayer is, that you're just pouring out of yourself into the emptiness or into the void or into the oneness or into the God. Are you there, God? Is there anybody listening? Prayer was really a lot of my voice. And two-way prayer, there's very little of me. There's just me asking a question. It's very humbling practice. And I always, when I teach it to people, I warn them against getting into a dialogue. It's tempting as it is, because that's my ego wanting to be involved. That's my ego wanting to be like, who are you? What are you doing? What is your, you know, like my, my ego is like a three-year-old who has a million questions. But I really only need the one, which is what would you have me know right now? What would you have me know today? And sometimes if there's a difficult

situation, what would you have me know about this situation? But what would you have me know today? And sometimes if there's a difficult situation, what would you have me know about this situation? But what would you have me know right now really works. And then you're not talking, you're listening. And isn't that better? As you're describing that and nodding along, and then the question sort of popped into my head, which is, and this hasn't happened to me yet. There's always opportunities, but I would imagine that there's somebody listening to this right now, like, this sounds really cool. And maybe they even tried it. And either they've had this experience or there's a fear built around it, which is, what if I say yes to this? And I sit down and I flip open my notebook and I have a pencil, my favorite pencil in hand. And I say, dear love, what would you have me know now? And nothing comes. Would that reinforce a sense of abandonment that you

were stepping into this experience with? Has that ever happened to you or have you had that happen to other people where you had a conversation around it? It's never happened to me that I've asked for it and it's not there. And there have even been times when I've been enraged at it, where things were happening in my life that were so unfair and awful. And I've just been enraged. And that voice has been there saying, I see your rage, and I see your disgust, and your exhaustion. And I don't have any answers for you, but I love you. And I don't know how you're going to get out of this. I remember when my partner, Raya, was dying of cancer and had relapsed into drug addiction. And it was an absolute nightmare.

I remember demanding answers of love. I mean, this is going back to the dialogue, right? Which is my ego inserting itself and saying like, how is this going to end? And love said to me, I don't know. The future isn't my department. And I said, well, then what good are you? Like, if you can't tell me what's going to happen and you can't tell me what to do, then what use are you? What good are you? And love said, I am company for you in your darkest hour. And that's really all love is, right?

It's like, it's not here to solve. It's not here to fix. It's just here to be present, like to keep you company when you're going through something. As for the fear that you're going to ask love what it has to say, and it's not going to answer, this is, I think, the main reason people won't do this exercise. That risk seems so terrible and so frightening. And if you've been following along with the Substack and the newsletter,

so it's been six months now that I've been doing this, and every week I have a special guest and almost every week, it's the first time somebody is doing this and they're terrified. They're so terrified that they're going to knock and the door is not going to open. Glennon Doyle spoke about this. Abby Wambach spoke about this. You know, they all spoke to this Clover Stroud, this great British writer who's this week's guest spoke about this. I don't believe that anything is going to be there. I dare us to be courageous enough to take that risk. I dare us to. I see the things that people do that are so risky. You know, I see, I live in New York. I see the way people cross the street with their

headphones in and a hood up over themselves, jaywalking against traffic. I see how people drive and text at the same time and take that risk that they might die. I see the way people abandon themselves into substances and take the risk of cigarettes and take the risk of alcohol and take the risk of a lover who's abusive and take the risk to gamble. You know, even what we call recreation and fun, you know, like most of what I see people doing that's called recreation and fun just seems like, wow, I'm really kind of throwing my life away into this thing. Like I could die. People take risks every single day. Yet this one, asking somebody to be courageous enough to open up a blank notebook and write, dear love, what would you have me know? And then imagine what unconditional love would say to them feels like,

oh, that's a bridge too far. I'm not doing that. And I call people out on that because I'm like, I've seen this. I've seen the risks you've taken in your life. You know, I dare you to take this risk and to see. And I think that largely the reason that we're so frightened to do it is because we've never experienced it. Like nobody ever loved us unconditionally. Because I don't think humans can. I mean, we're supposed to allegedly get that from our parents. But if you're like me, you had beleaguered parents who were exhausted and traumatized and just trying to get through the day and overwhelmed and were not available to that. Through no fault of

their own, their parents weren't either. So if we've never experienced it, and all we can associate it with is human love, which is by nature limited and conditional, even the most vast human love has its limits. Somebody can love you unconditionally and they can die. You know, like they will have to die. They might not be there tomorrow. You know, like we can't count on that. And I don't say that in a way of like, you can't count on people. You know, we count on people as much as we can, but we're fallible and we're fragile. And, you know, I know somebody whose father was her closest source of unconditional love, and then he got Alzheimer's and he didn't even know who she was

anymore. So these things can be taken from us, but there is a source that cannot be taken. And I would submit that you have had experience with comforting another living being in your life, even if you haven't been comforted. I would suspect that everybody who is listening to this has at some point in their life held someone in their arms and said, I'm right here. I've got you. Held a trembling animal, held a crying child. You know how to do it. So I'm not buying that you don't know how to do it. You know how to hold something and how to

reassure it with your presence. You've done it. You've done it. You just haven't done it toward yourself. And maybe you haven't gotten enough of it toward yourself that you believe that it's out there, but you've done it. And so if nothing's coming on the page, imagine that you are speaking to somebody who's suffering. Imagine that you're speaking to somebody who's afraid that love isn't real. Imagine that you're speaking. I mean, it shouldn't be hard to imagine that. We've all been afraid of it. Imagine that you're speaking. I mean, it shouldn't be hard to imagine that. We've all been afraid of it. You know, like imagine that you're consoling somebody who's going through whatever you're going through right now, or a pet or an animal or a child.

It's in you. It's in you. And this is what I find astonishing as I'm reading the letters that people share on this newsletter that people are writing. People who never had it shown to them have it in them. It's not a prerequisite that you were tenderly and gently loved as a child for you to be able to find this within. Your longing for it is in fact it, the doorway to it. You know, walking through that doorway of longing into love itself is how you'll find it. So I would ask that you try it. And then I would ask that you try it again. And then I would ask that you try it again. Because this is your inheritance.

You are allowed to be loved. It's too hard without it. We can't survive without it. And we all know that, but we all think it means that we have to go seek it out and drag it out of another person or manipulate it or bully it or force it out of another human being or who's going to see me, love me, care for me. And one thing that love says to me often in the pages is, why would we set the system up to make it so hard for you? Why would we set the system up so that the only place you could get this was if you could coerce another human being into giving it to you? That would turn you into a beggar. That would turn you into a desperate beggar for your entire life. And I'm like, well, that's what I've been. That's what I've been. And love's like, well, you don't have to beg. You have a fountain. It's Tolstoy's beggar sitting on

the pot of gold, begging for spare change, not knowing that he's sitting on a pot of gold. This is all in you already. I believe that. I believe it because I've found it. After years of looking, it's the last place I looked. It's like car keys are always the last place you look. It's like the last place I looked for love was from within, but there it was. Now that resonates really deeply. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever,

making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you 8 hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series X. Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone Xs are later required. Charge time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone XS or later required.

Charge time and actual results will vary. Mayday, mayday. We've been compromised. The pilot's a hitman. I knew you were going to be fun. On January 24th. Tell me how to fly this thing. Mark Wahlberg. You know what the difference between me and you is?

You're going to die. Don't shoot him, we need him. Y'all need a pilot. Flight Risk. You referenced a couple of times in conversation that about six months ago, you decided, you know, this practice is not just for me. This practice is something that I want to really share more publicly and invite a global community into. You launched this newsletter, Letters from Love, and we'll link to this. Every week you share one letter from love that you've written to yourself, and you also invite others to share a letter on a weekly basis.

I will be sharing mine with that community as well. And then the community around it often shares so deeply and so beautifully and so openly like what their voice is saying to them. I'm wondering six months into this experience now, how has it been for you? What surprised you? Oh my gosh, it's so magical. I mean, this is something that was born of my darkest moment of pain and isolation. And now we have 90,000 people across the world practicing this together. Like what? You know, if I were to flash back to my 30 year old self and say like in those awful nights of the worst and be like, oh, sweetheart, something so incredible is going to come out of this. Oh, gosh, just keep going. You've almost reached the door, right?

Like you've almost reached the door. Like something extraordinary is going to come out of this. This is so worth it. Every lifetime from now till the end of time for this outcome, for sure. So there's that sense of astonishment. I'm amazed at how quickly people take to it, how it's, you know, again, the less thinking, the better, you know, dive in and how vulnerably and openly people are willing to share. Part of it is because of the way we've structured it. I also love that I'm creating this project with my best friend, Margaret, from college, who's been my friend for 35 years. And she's doing all the administrative stuff and I'm doing the writing and the videos and responding to people's letters. But Substack is this relatively new format that people are just learning their way through

and that a lot of people there are refugees from social media. And social media having become such a toxic and addictive and destructive element, really all Substack is is just a blogging service. It's really going backwards. It's like back to the original get people's email addresses and send them an email every week, and that's all it is. It's a 1990s technology, but it's much less addictive for that and more specific, and people are subscribing. And then once they subscribe, I put out everything that I do for free,

but I have the lowest paywall that we could get through Substack, which is $50 a month, or $50 a year rather. So it's 94 cents a month. Sorry, 94 cents a week. 94 cents a week for this is the lowest we could get the price down to have a little bit of a paywall. And behind the paywall, people can comment. And that tiny paywall prevents trolls. It's an absolutely safe space. That's the thing that I find so incredible. And I was promised that. I mean, I have a lot of trauma about social media and things that get said in social media, but I was promised by people who are on Substack, like, you're not going to see any of that. There's no attacking.

There's no, you know, this is genuinely a safe space. And I also put the letters that my special guests write behind the paywall because it's vulnerable. I mean, people are showing the heart of their heart and the pain of their pain and the longing of their longing at the deepest level. And so there's a little wall around it. And I think of it as like a walled garden, like a Persian walled garden. Inside of that wall is safety, is abundance, is fellowship. And now the people who have been writing letters and sharing them

are making friends with each other and they're having meetups. They're teaching their kids how to do this. Some of them are teachers and they're teaching their students how to do this practice. And then they're adapting it to themselves. One woman said that every morning when she wakes up now, it's before she even opens her eyes, the first question she asks is, dear love, what would you have me know right now? And she can hear it. She can hear an answer. So she's starting her day with it, and people are using it to get themselves through deaths of loved ones, and the horrible tragedies of life,

and their own cancer diagnoses, and their fear of the world. And what I find also astonishing, after having read tens of thousands of these letters in the last six months or so is that how similar the letters are. It's like we are all tuning into the same radio station here. Like something is speaking to each one of us with the same tenderness, the same humor even. There's a lot of like sort of rueful humor that comes through in these letters where love will be like, oh, don't you love your little plans? We love watching you make your little plans. Keep making them. They're adorable. They're probably not all going to come true. It's okay. It doesn't matter. You're not supposed to. The other thing that I hear resonating again and again and again and again in these letters, which I think is amazing, is that love often says to people, I don't care about good and

bad and right and wrong. It's a very interesting thing for me. And I've heard this in my letters too, because I can get into such guilt spirals if I think that I've done anything wrong. And I'm so desperate to be morally perfect. And I'm so desperate to be morally perfect. And I'm so desperate to be ethical and to have integrity. And I'm always so afraid that I'm doing it wrong. And I'm hearing not just in my letters, but in the letters that Unconditional Love is writing to people like, I don't care about your morality. I don't care about your ethics. I'm not here to gauge that. I'm not here to judge that. You're killing yourself with these morals. You're killing yourself with these standards. You're fine. Like you're fine

just the way you are. I know all the stuff you've done. It's okay. It doesn't matter. And this idea that like good, bad and right and wrong don't matter. It's like that line of out there beyond right doing and wrong doing, there's a field, I'll meet you there. We seem to be meeting on that field. And that's a really scary thing. Talk about things to put on the fire and walk away from. That's a scary thing to walk away from. Because I'm like, well, if there's no morality, and there's no right or wrong, how's anybody going to be safe? And what are the rules? And how do I know if I'm good or bad? And love's like, I don't care. You know, I don't care. I just love you and care about you. And I'm here with you.

And it's all right. I'm not judging you. You're not getting graded on any of this. And what an incredible relief that is. So to see that show up in so many, in the letters of so many strangers and to be like, wow, okay, that's what unconditional love is? That's amazing. It really is powerful to see so many people showing up and being willing to be seen is really powerful also because I think it inspires you. You're like, wait a minute, they're doing this. And oftentimes they're doing it week after week and at scale and it's okay. It's better than okay. You know, like there's something

really magical about it. And it's just deeply compelling from the outside looking in, having seen what you've created, it's deeply compelling for me. And I was imagining from the inside, looking out, it had to have been for you as well. And you've confirmed that. We are going to air this episode on the same day that you will be sharing my letter from love with your community. So for all of our fabulous listeners, if you enjoyed this conversation, you're inspired and you're curious after Liz very explicitly told me, stop noodling and just do it, what actually comes out,

you will be able to find it. We'll include a link in the show notes, but by all means, head over there and explore this practice yourself. There's something truly powerful about it. And then even being in community when you're doing it, I think is really, there's something really cool about it. And then even being in community when you're doing it, I think is really, there's something really cool about it. So as we always do, and I've asked you this a couple of times over the years now, but

you know, years pass and we change in this container of a good life project. If I offer up the phrase to live a good life, what comes up? Well, I'll just say what just came to mind, which is to be careful with yourself. I've never said those words before or thought them, but that's what came to mind, and it just actually made me get a little teary. I understand that to mean to know your own preciousness and to know your own just exquisite, tender sweetness and to treat yourself accordingly as a very rare, miraculous being. And to know that you're worthy of all gentleness and kindness. One of the things that inspired me to want to take this practice public was the i mean famous

within these circles i don't know if it's famous out in the wider world but sharon salzburg the great meditation teacher was one of the first people one of the first americans to meet the dalai lama and she was in the room with him when he came to california i think it was california somewhere in the pacific maybe, but long ago, and no one knew who he was. And so this group of intellectuals and theologians and spiritual people had gathered to hear him speak. And they had questions and somebody in the room asked him if he could give any guidance about how to handle self-hatred. And he had to speak to a translator for like 10 minutes to even understand the question. Because he kept thinking that he was misunderstood. He was

like, who do you hate? Who's the enemy? And people were like, when it's yourself, when it's yourself, who's the enemy? And he had never heard of this. Now, this is the most common headset of the Western mind. To us, it's just a normal Tuesday. But to him, he was like, this is not okay. And he was saying, you are the one who you're going to be traveling with through this entire journey of life. Like you are your own companion. How could you turn on that person and hate them? You're left with nothing. If you hate that person, what do you have?

You've got nothing. Like this is who you're supposed to be the most tender to and the most kind to. Later, he would write that he had to start telling people, like, treat yourself the way your mother would treat you. And then he found out what mothers in the West are like. And he was like, okay, never mind. Grandmother. Like, how far back do we have to go to find somebody who is kind? But that's what I hear is a good life is a life where you really are careful

and tender with your own preciousness. Thank you. Hey, before you leave, if you love this episode, say that you'll also love the earlier conversation we had with Elizabeth Gilbert about navigating love and loss and finding lightness again. You'll find a link to that episode in the show notes. This episode of Good Life Project was produced by executive producers, Lindsay Fox and me, Jonathan Fields, editing help by Alejandro Ramirez, Christopher Carter, Crafted Air Theme Music, and special thanks to Shelley Adele for her research on this episode. And of course, if you haven't already done so, please go ahead and follow Good Life Project in your favorite listening app. And if you found this conversation interesting or inspiring or valuable, and chances are you did since you're still listening here,

would you do me a personal favor, a seven second favor and share it maybe on social or by text or by email, even just with one person, Just copy the link from the app you're using and tell those you know, those you love, those you want to help navigate this thing called life a little better so we can all do it better together with more ease and more joy. Tell them to listen. Then even invite them to talk about

what you've both discovered because when podcasts become conversations and conversations become action, that's how we all come alive together. Until next time, I'm Jonathan Fields, signing off for Good Life Project. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist,

whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series X. Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone Xs are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary mayday mayday we've been compromised the pilot's a hitman i knew you were gonna be fun on january

24th tell me how to fly this thing mark walberg you know what's the difference between me and you're gonna die don't shoot if we need them y'all need a pilot flight risk