Good Life Project - John O’Leary: Forged By Fire

Episode Date: April 18, 2016

Today's guest, John O'Leary, has lived through worse than most can imagine.At age nine, a fire burned 100% of his body. He spent five months in the hospital, underwent dozens of surgeries, lost all of his fingers to amputation and had to relearn to walk, write, and feed himself.He endured, persevered, and survived – largely because others emerged, served and inspired. He now lives to share the life-giving lessons from his story in a new book, On Fire: The 7 Choices to Ignite a Radically Inspired Life.In This episode, You’ll Learn:+How the fire that burned him affected his siblings.What it was like to date and eventually find love and marryWhy the great goal of his life for so many years was just to be ordinaryHow he was called from carpenter and roof layer, to international inspirational speaker.How a book his parents wrote to say thank you to their community altered the course of his life forever.Four questions that you can ask yourself every day that will allow you to live an awesome mindset. Resources Mentioned In This Episode:Overwhelming Odds Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'd always thought that the explosion in my mom and dad's house on January the 17th, 1987, only affected me. And if we only think our story only affects us, we can become pretty egocentric about it. Today's episode is brought to you by Camp GLP. It's an amazing opportunity to come hang out with me, with our awesome Good Life Project team, a lineup of inspiring teachers from art to life to work, and a community of almost impossibly friendly grown-up campers from literally all over the world as we take over a beautiful summer camp for three and a half days of workshops and activities that fill your noggin with ideas and strategies for life and create the type of

friendships and stories you thought you pretty much left behind decades ago. It's all happening at the end of August, just about 90 minutes from New York City, and more than half the spots are already gone. So be sure to grab your spot quickly because our $200 early bird discount ends on April 30th, 2016. You can learn more at goodlifeproject.com slash camp, or just go ahead and click the link in the show notes. On to our show. Today's guest is John O'Leary. When he was nine years old, he ended up with 100% of his body burned in a fire in his garage. That left him with fingers that were amputated and a body that was largely from the neck down, scar tissue. His journey from that moment in his life through his recovery, through his entire family's recovery, re-embracing and re-emerging, finding love and building an astonishing life

that's making a difference in a lot of other people's lives is where we're going today's conversation. I'm Jonathan Fields. This is Good Life Project. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping. And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch,

getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series 10, available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone XS or later required. Charge time and actual results will vary. Mayday, mayday, we've been compromised. The pilot's a hitman. I knew you were going to be fun. On January 24th. Tell me how to fly this thing.

Mark Wahlberg. You know what the difference between me and you is? You're going to die. Don't shoot him. We need him. Y'all need a pilot. Flight Risk. So we're hanging out sitting here right now.

You are just in, just off the plane. Two days ago, I had no idea you existed. And then I jumped online and I'm like, wow, how could I not know this human being existed on the planet? So take me into your story. Cause as we're sitting here right now, we're behind microphones, people are listening and it's interesting for me also. So what I can see is that you've been through a lot in your life and that there are scars on your body. So take me into sort of like the journey that you've been through, because it seems like you're doing stunning work. And the one thing that I, that maybe I'll start out with is that I read the beginning of your new book. You share how somebody asked you about the journey and would you redo it? Yeah.

And your answer was yes. It's kind of a staggering answer. So take me into that journey a little bit. Take me back. So I'm first of all, delighted to be with you. And the journey to understand, I think my story, you got to also understand that I hid from it for a very, very, very long time. When I was nine years old, I was burned on 100% of my body and given absolutely no chance to survive. And we can come back to that. But through all kinds of amazing things, remarkable people, things colliding perfectly right on time, I survived and went home and then never again talked about it. So, I come home from the hospital in a wheelchair without fingers, with scars from my neck to my toes, Jonathan. And about a year later, they pushed me back into a grade school classroom. And then I started walking around. Then I learned how to ride again.

And I go back to being a normal little kid. But throughout it all, the desire of my life was to be ordinary. Not to be great, not to be exceptional, just to be very ordinary. That was the great goal of my life, which remained my goal through middle school and high school. When you're not good at sports and you're not that great at art or anything else. Ordinary in high school means you start drinking. So I fell into that crowd for a while, stayed with that crowd through college, graduate somehow. And even on graduation, I think the whole time I was trying to prove to the world that I was ordinary. So if you can think of the job that might be the hardest

job for a guy that cannot sweat on most of his body and has no fingers to take on, carpentry might be at the top of the list. So that's what this guy takes on. I do that for 13 years. And I think as I'm climbing that ladder and sheeting roofs and hanging drywall, the scream really was, look how ordinary I am. I'm an ordinary guy. And by ordinary, do you mean like not standing out?

Not standing out. Very unexceptional. Just like everybody else. Gray suits and everything else. That's what I wanted to be badly. I did not want to be identified as a burn victim. Certainly did not want to be defined by scars or by what happened to me. I wanted instead badly to be defined by who I was today without any of the context of the background.

But that can't be our stories. We are made up of who we've been in the past. You can't hide from that long-term. And the turning point for me, Jonathan, was when my mom and dad, about nine years ago, wrote a book about our experience. And it's their experience of their little boy, age nine, being burned on 100% of his body. It was their story, but it was my picture on the front of it. And it was really my story. It was an unauthorized biography of my life. And it just changed me. I didn't think they would actually write it. I did not think they would actually publish it, but they did both. And it was a beautiful little book. I read it in one sitting

and it quite literally transformed the way I felt about my hands and my scars, my body, the reflection in the mirror, and then what I did afterwards, both relationally with those around me, but also professionally. So how did it transform that? Reading the book? Yeah. So we've all been through fires in life. I mean, that's not reserved for people who have been burned in a house fire. We've been through divorces and bankruptcies, lost kids, lost dreams. We've struggled financially, relationally.

We've all been burned. And I think most of us, or at least for me, I look back at that and realized all the bad things that came out of the fire. I was reminded of it physically in the mirror every morning. I looked at the ability to no longer hold things like most normal human beings hold things. And the inability to hold a little girl's hand like most little boys hold girls' hands. And so I always viewed it as being a big negative part of my life. And then I read their book and two big things came out of it. One is I realized it was not so bad.

It was not the end of the story. It was actually the beginning of it. It transformed my character. I think it strengthens my faith. It led to my network on who I knew and who I loved growing up. It led to where I went to high school and college, which led to a chance encounter with a brunette who I married, who I would have never met had I not been burned because I would have never gone to that university, who led to four little kids. All these amazing things came out of the fire and it took my mom and dad's book to really realize it. So that's part of it. And the second big piece for me was then realizing that I was not the only one that got burned. I'd always thought

that the explosion in my mom and dad's house on January the 17th, 1987, only affected me. And if we only think our story only affects us, we can become pretty egocentric about it. But then I read their book and I realized how badly, not physically, but emotionally and spiritually, my brother and my four sisters got burned. That they lost their mom and dad for all intents and purposes for five months while I was in hospital. That my mom and dad every night were walking the halls mourning the coming death of their son. And I never imagined the pain that I put my mom and dad through. And so to have that context and to have that compassion for them, it just changed the way

I felt about me, the story, them, their grief, their joy, and how we worked through this thing together as a family. I'm curious. Do you ever think to yourself, like, so part of it, in my mind, I'm thinking to myself, there's so many things I'm thinking. But were you moving to a point where you think you would have come to this realization right around then also? Or like, do you ever think, like, if they had never written this book, would I have ever – would that switch have been flipped or would I still be sort of like living in a very different way and looking at the world in a very different way? I mean, do you ever even go there? Yeah, I do.

I'm not sure how helpful it is. Yeah, I know. It's probably not. But I think we all do, don't we? Yeah. If I made a left instead of a right-hand turn, gosh, would things have been different? And the answer is, of course. So now what?

Right. I mean, I guess you could take it all the way back to the original incident when you were, I guess it was nine, right? Yeah, nine years old. Right. And I do take it there occasionally. I don't think, though, Jonathan, today that if they had not written that book that you and I would be talking to each other. And I do not think today, had they not done that, that I would be able to embrace the scars fully in the mirror, which you got to be able to do first before you can embrace it with those around you. You know, we can't fix the external until we get the internal right.

So I give great thanks to my mom and dad for writing their book and changing my world. Yeah. Was that their intention or did they have a different purpose? Why did they do it? It's a great question. So I got married. Your listeners right now don't see me, but I have a very ordinary looking face,

but then below the face, I am burned terribly. So it was a 100% burn, 87% was third degree, which means terribly scarred. Your skin's never again gonna grow back. So from my neck to my toes, I'm a walking scar these days and I'm missing my fingers on both hands. So, my mom and dad always struggled with that like I did as well. But one of their struggles was, will our little guy ever find love? Will he ever find a girl who can see past the brokenness and love him for who he

actually is, the little boy that we know, the little boy that we love. And then they were sitting in a church with their son, John O'Leary, on the altar in a tuxedo that was a little too tight and a little too hot. I'm sweating, I'm nervous, and I'm standing up there with my friends and family and all these colleagues in the church. And then this gorgeous girl, Elizabeth Grace, brown hair, brown eyes, stunning. I mean, She's gorgeous. Walks down the aisle, kisses her dad goodbye, takes my hand with the left of it. We walk to the rest of the altar, have a service, kiss, exchange vows, kiss again, walk out. And they're sitting there watching this

all. And then they realize, oh my gosh, it has a happy ending. We've always been wondering how this thing ends. And now today we see it. And so they went home that night and they started writing this little thing basically to say thank you to the community. It was never intended to be a podcast deal or to be an Oprah special. It was done for the community. They printed 200 copies of Overwhelming Odds. I see it just self-published it also. Oh, yeah. 200 copies. They odds i said just self-published it oh yeah 200 copies

they've sold 75 000 subsequently so for an author of any scale these days that's a big number to get to and they did that out of their garage so it's a it's a worthy book it changed the way they viewed life it certainly changed the way i viewed my life yeah what was going on you know we've talked a little bit about you we'll talk a lot more and about them. You also, you come from a large family, brothers and sisters. I'm imagining that you've had conversations over the years about how sort of like moving through this journey affected them. Yeah. Take me there a little bit. And that's always been a little painful too, because again, we always think that what happens to us happens to us. And I think that's selfish.

The ripple effect of our lives always goes way beyond who we are. It touches everybody that we interact with every day. And the only decision we get to make is whether it should be positive or negative. Right? I mean, every time we touch someone by looking at them, by speaking to them, by interacting with them, we are going to have a ripple effect in their life. And so, for me, looking back on it, one of the remorses I still feel is that they lost their mom and dad. They lost a portion of their childhood for a half year. That's intense.

They lost their home, the house that we had safety around, this little home in the Midwest and two dogs in the backyard and all this stuff that you kind of grow up with. They lost that for four months. And I know that I'm the cause of that. The morning I was burned, not only did they lose all that stuff, Jonathan, they also were there to witness what happened. So, maybe it's important to kind of take you back to that major inflection point, which started about a week before.

You know, most of the things we do start before the time that we do them. So about a week before I was burned, I saw some little kids in my neighborhood playing with fire and gasoline. And like any little monkey, I figured if they could do it, so can I. So that weekend, my mom and dad were gone.

The house was mine. Everybody else was sleeping. My siblings, I went into the garage. I lit a piece of cardboard on fire, bent down next to a five-gallon container, tried to pour a little bit, just a tiny bit. Gasoline. Gasoline on top of the flame. And before the fluid even came out, the fumes, it's always the invisible stuff that burns us in life. We could rift on that for a while.

It's not the liquid, it's the fumes. It came out, grabbed the flame, pulled it back in, created a massive explosion, split the cannon in two, picked me up, launched me 20 feet against the far side of the garage, trapped me in this room. I'm burning, the garage is burning. There's only one way out, back through the flames. So I ran on fire back into my mom and dad's house eventually, through the front hall, into the family room, and then back into the front hall on fire the entire time. Then I stand on top of a rug just screaming and burning, begging and praying for a hero. I'll take anybody. And I see my 17-year-old brother, Jim, who was sleeping in the basement. He comes racing toward me. He picks up a rug, beats down the flames. It takes him two

minutes, burns his hands and arms in the process, wraps me in the blanket eventually, carries me outside and saves my life. He becomes my hero. And while this is going on, this fight for life and death, the entire time, my sisters are all in the staircase watching. And so, I know today that they saw something horrible. They saw something tragic. They saw their little brother aflame. And it's something they got to live with. It's something that I think in life, it either pushes you farther apart and it makes your heart go cold or, and I feel blessed in this regard, it pulls your family together. It molds you as one. It unites you.

And it leads to even greater compassion and understanding in our family, Jonathan. We're not a perfect family. None of us are. But we love each other. We are grateful for one another. And I think we credit the fire as being the inflection point that brought us together as a unit. How long did it take for you to come to this? Because I mean, was it, so you're sitting, as you're, you're sitting in front of me and

sharing all of this. Right. I mean, you guys listening can't see this, but there's a big smile sweeping your face that hasn't left you since the moment you walked in the door. And as you're telling the story, which like listening to this now is horrific, you're still, there's like this radiant sense of joy that's coming from you. And you're telling it not from a place of re-experiencing the pain, but from a place of having moved through it, it almost feels like. And like you said, everyone goes through some kind of fire. Obviously, yours was physical and extreme and affected you you know in a very

profound way um and we hope that somehow we can yeah that becomes it may be the fire that burns in the beginning that eventually becomes the fire that steals the fire that forges yes but the process you know so for you and for those around you like what you just described i mean can't imagine what you went through but then then also to have like your brothers and sisters just like watching the whole thing. And how that brought you immediately together as a family. I'm flabbergasted. I am too. And, you know, what brought it together for me, because we did not talk about it, you asked the question that led to this long rant.

Well, gosh, what did it do for your family? And candidly, we never really talked about it. And then lately, we've been talking more and more and more and more about it. I remember after my brother Jim carried me outside, he threw me on the ground, he ran back inside to call 911. And I'm outside, it's starting to snow, it's January, I'm nine, I'm freaking naked. It's a mess. My life has fallen apart. We've all been there. It doesn't need to be as dramatic as this, but we've all been there. And my 11-year-old sister, her name's Amy. She's awesome. She comes outside. She's barefoot. She's wearing a little blue nightgown. This gets me emotional. But she

walks over to me. She puts her arms around me and she just pulls me close. And this 11 year old girl says to me, John, everything's okay. Everything's fine. Everything's going to be okay. You got to have faith and fight. The best is yet to come. At 11.

At 11. And she sees my dad in the emergency room that night. And she says to him, daddy, he felt so hot to me that I was sure I was burning my arms through my nightgown. And then she says, but I never let go, daddy. I never let go. And that's just the kind of resilience I think we had growing up. I had a great mom and dad. I want to talk more about them in a little bit. We had a strong faith as a family. I think that was critical, but there was an awful lot of love in our family and love doesn't always show up with butterflies and rainbows. I mean, love is sometimes punches and anger, but, but we did love each other. And on that day, when it mattered most, we showed it.

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And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you 8 hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series X. Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone Xs are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary. Mayday, mayday. We've been compromised.

The pilot's a hitman. I knew you were going to be fun. On January 24th. Tell me how to fly this thing. Mark Wahlberg. You know what the difference between me and you is? You're going to die. Don't shoot him.

We need him. Y'all need a pilot. Flight risk. Kind of circled back to your folks a couple times now also. Because the other thing is something like this can very often, especially when something happens with a child that's so painful. It very often becomes a defining moment, you know, in the relationship between the parents.

And a lot of times, I mean, I know I've seen the statistics on parents whose kids are diagnosed with certain disorders or physical or mental challenges. And the statistics are not good in terms of it driving parents together versus driving them apart. It seems like this really, it drove your parents together or were they just, did they start that way? And like, what's taken into them? Right.

So, you know, you'd have to have them in the studio to really get to the bottom of their marriage. Although I'll tell you this, I think most people in partnerships and marriages confuse being together with being truly together. Just because you're wearing the ring doesn't mean you're on fire for one another. And I think when we say I do, whether that's in a partnership service or a marriage in front of a creator, eventually in time, if we're not careful, it turns into I have to. The honeymoon's awesome, man. Hawaii rocked. We had a lot of great time in the hotel room. Dude, it was great. But then you get back and there's some bills, and then there's some struggles,

and then there's some tension. And then you got to decide daily, do you still? Are you still able to boldly proclaim each morning, I do, I still do, I still do. And my mom and dad, they still did. And when the fire came, they could never have been prepared for something that tragic, but they still did. And so they were more ready, I think, than many other couples that were together because it was convenient or because they said, I did a long time ago. They made a commitment daily to one another. And I think for them, when the fire showed up, they were ready for it. I guess that's also part of what fueled their greatest upset and greatest concern about you finding the same thing that they had been able to cultivate and find, which was so rare even in a day for people who hadn't been through what you've been through. Right.

Tell me about your wife. Her name is Elizabeth Grace. She's awesome. We met in college. Senior year, she's a sophomore. So I'm the big man on campus. I'm obviously very good looking, very athletic, as you I'm sure all see right now. And I fell in love with her right away.

So it only took me about a year of stalking her before I asked her out. I remember verbatim what she said back. She looks at me. We're dear friends at this point. She looks at me and she says, John, you are like a brother to me. Which I don't know what you've heard about Missouri, but I think that was a no.

It's like the kiss of death for a real man. Yes, man. So my response was, but I already have four sisters. I'm pretty sure I don't need a fifth, but that's what she gave me then. And then I stayed her brother for another year. I asked her out another time. And again, her answer was the same.

You're like a brother, which was crushing. You know, looking back on it, it's funny because I got my bride waiting for me back in St. Louis. We have four children together. I have a great, wonderful marriage, a great life. But as a 22-year-old, I never really dated anybody, which was a struggle. I kind of had some sense of maybe why I wasn't dating people, which was a struggle. And yet I found, Jonathan, that when I finally surrendered to kind of her will, like not trying to get sex out of it, not trying to get marriage out of it, not trying to have arm candy out of it, not trying to get something for me. But when finally I was just able to love her for her and let go of all other expectations, what happened next was awesome. I stopped trying.

I started being, I was probably more genuine and more authentic, which I think led to a dinner about a year after I asked her out. When she asked me out, she said, John, every time I'm with you, I get butterflies in my stomach. I wish they would float away, but I think I'm falling for you. Will you date me? And I, of course, responded, I don't date sisters. No, that is not what I said. I spilled the glass of wine in front of me, and I said yes. And we've been saying yes ever since. We've been together 15 years now. We have four children together. the oldest is 10 our life's not perfect i would imagine none of your listeners have perfect marriages perfect work life perfect anything in life but we we choose like you would encourage us to view it

all with a grateful heart to work harder to make it better and we we have a wonderful life together before you met her or even when you were sort of like chasing her courting her um just being friends like a brother to her right um what what was the internal dialogue with you in terms of you know so we know that your parents biggest concern was like will they ever find love and like if you're sort of moving through life and obviously like you're an awesome guy you've got a great personality you're smart um but you know that that, and if I'm being too direct, I'm just, I'm genuinely curious. Like, you know, as you shared, you know, looking at you right now, your face looks like pretty much everyone else. But when you unbutton the shirt, like everything from there down is very different.

What was the inner dialogue with you if you're open to sort there in terms of what might happen and how you danced with that or how it led you to either move forward or withdraw when you were exploring finding that person? I think most, I'll say it this way. Everybody's got a story. It's just not the story we're telling the world. You know what I mean? Everybody's got a story. And so the story I was telling the world back then was I'm fine. And I'll have another beer, please. And I'll achieve some success over here. And I'll say some really funny things over here. And I'll do some pretty bold things, audacious things.

Take the black double diamonds over here. And I was a risk taker. And I don't even know if I knew it back then, but I was all to cover up and to pretend like I was ordinary. We've talked about this already. So I was just hoping that she would see me as being the ordinary, normal, risk-taking, beer-drinking, funny guy that I was pretending to be. And I am to an extent. But I think when you can open up your shirt and embed in that part of your body and really show your scars and realize that the scars are there because the wounds have healed, you got nothing to hide from, man. It's actually a pretty cool badge of honor. When you're that bold in the mirror and then with others, it's actually extraordinarily attractive.

And not just the physical scars, because some of us have those and most of us don't, but everybody's got the emotional scars. And I think the more we can embrace them and learn from them and be better because of them, the more attractive we are. And I don't mean sexually, but people want to be with people who know who they are and love who they are. And that's eventually what happened with Beth that that's eventually what won her over was that more um you coming to that independently or sort of her validating that by you being vulnerable yeah i think it's a blend yeah i think it takes two on the dance floor and

and uh she also she majored as an occupational therapist. So she's the kind of gal who is able to walk into a room with kids with special needs and instead of seeing the drool or the wheelchair, see the person. And that's special. So she self-selected into that at age 18. And I was lucky enough that she selected a boyfriend like that at age 21 and then selected a spouse like that at age 24. From there, when you got out of school, what did you actually study for? Finance and IT. And was that your intended career?

Yeah. But again, freshman year, I was in a fraternity. Loved my fraternity. Life still do. Great time. But all my buddies were IT majors, and they were stepping out of college in the late 90s, making $52,000, man, with corporate credit cards and Monday through Thursday travel. It sounded just glorious, beautiful. And then I found myself on a Christmas Eve with an IT experience and a financial background

working as a senior in college. And all I really wanted to do was to be home with my mom and dad and my five siblings and it's snowing outside and I know they're having a beer, they're making great food and they're eating cookies and they're enjoying fellowship and I'm working. It's kind of like your journey. I realized I did not want to work for somebody else for the rest of my life. I had to figure out a different way forward even if I had no idea then how to do it, which is why when the calendar year flipped, I bought an old place in an older part of St. Louis, Missouri. I rehabbed it having no clue what I was doing. And piece by piece brought this building back to shape, was able to sell it, make just enough

to do it again and again and again. And that was my line of work for about 11 years. The whole while still trying to fit in. The whole while still trying to fit in. Or not stand out more appropriately. And just enjoy life. Yeah. But not suck it for the full marrow of it all.

I just kind of was glancing through superficially. Right. Which, you know, at that point makes you not all that different than the average person when they get out of school a couple years. That's right. Living in your parents' basement, man. It's interesting. It's like, you know, there's, they're the wounds that we all have. And again, it feels really bizarre to me to sort of, and I know you make the comparison when you speak and when you write.

Like, we've all got our fires that we've walked through. We've all been burned in some way, shape, or form. But it feels, honestly, it feels weird for me to sit here and sort of for me to throw that out on the table. Because I look at what you've been through compared to. Yeah. And this is an interesting conversation maybe, right? It's sort of like the question in my head is like, you know, you tend towards, well, you know, sure he says we've all been burned. We've all walked through the fire, but come on like look Not a real fire You know, so so like my pain can't be like and you start to get into this like comparing like relative pain game

I saw your listeners may not know exactly what I do professionally, but i'm a professional speaker these days Which means I hold a microphone, but I don't consider myself a speaker. I'm a very ordinary, authentic guy who gets to share a story in the entire time, holding up a mirror saying people, it's actually about you today. Pay attention, pay attention, wake up, quit living life accidentally. Let's choose how we take the next step forward. And that's what I get to do. And then afterwards I dropped the mic, walk off stage and I get to meet people one-to-one, which is actually what I love most. I like the one-to-one fellowship. That's where the good stuff happens. And every time there's a line that forms and people say, hey, I've got a story. Now, it's nothing like yours. They always say that. And

I always say, of course, it's nothing like mine and mine's nothing like yours. Let's quit trying to roll up the sleeves and trade scar stories. But I'm convinced at this point in my life, the physical is significantly easier to overcome than the emotional. Significantly. And everybody has that emotional wound of not being invited to the prom senior year in high school and it broke them and it still breaks them. Or not getting the dream job or the dream guy or the dream gal or struggling financially today. These are real wounds. And I would never be dismissive on a struggle that someone else is going through. My encouragement is to remind your listeners and the listeners in my audience, that's not the end.

That any hero's story has some strife in the middle of it. If it doesn't, it's a pretty lame story. If it's all good, it looks like Hollywood, and it ends up in drug addiction. I mean, you need to have some valleys. Prove your mettle. Prove that you can't do it by yourself. You need a network. You need the family. That's what we got in this room.

And then do life better going forward. And so I think we all got the story. We all got the scars, and we can all do better because of it. The whole idea of you have to have the valleys. It's Joseph Campbell's hero's journey, right? The monomyth is the one giant series of like one huge valley with a whole bunch of smaller ones along the way. And it's like he said, nobody reads the story of the person who just asks for what they want and they get it. It's not interesting.

And yet so many of us seek to live that life because we feel like that's, is it that it's the easiest life? Is it like we do everything possible to try and avoid the challenges? Yeah. Which often become the defining moments. Absolutely. What's that about? So I think it's human nature, number one. No one likes being stretched or being brought through pain.

That's pretty ordinary. But if you just, a physical example is when you work out. And again, your listeners, I work out a lot. That's why I weigh a hundred pounds and I'm six foot tall. But for those who do work out, the first time you do some sit-ups or push-ups or bench pressing, it's very hard, it's very painful, and you're sore the next day. But if you return and do it again and again and again, your muscles begin to grow and you begin to feel better about the process. And I think the same is true with physical adversity, with emotional adversity, with spiritual adversity.

The more we stretch these muscles, the more significant our lives become afterwards. And knowing that, what it frees me to do is to realize missing flights is not the end of it. Having a struggle financially is not the end of it. Being shot down by 20 publicists when we're trying to launch a big project is not the end of it. That we're actually becoming better and stronger and refined through this process. And if you can have that mindset going through the valleys, I think it allows the journey through that dark period to be even more enjoyable.

And then when you get to the top on the other side, because you always get to the other side, you're able to enjoy it even more once you're there. It keeps you humble and hungry. The Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the humble and hungry. charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series 10. Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone XS or later required. Charge time and actual results will vary. Mayday, mayday. We've been compromised. The pilot's a hitman.

I knew you were going to be fun. On January 24th. Tell me how to fly this thing. Mark Wahlberg. You know what the difference between me and you is? You're going to die. Don't shoot him. We need him.

Y'all need a pilot. Flight risk. See, here's my question. To have that mindset, to have that lens, and to be able to reframe all these challenges as bump along the way. What can I learn from it? Let me harness the energy from it let me move on that yet to what extent and i don't know if it's even an answerable question but some questions going through my head because i've had the amazing opportunity to sit down with

with many people now who've been through major trauma in their lives and and a number of them have been able to, that has profoundly changed the way they look at the world. It's given them the gift of being able to reframe all these other things that come their way afterwards with so much more grace and ease. But you don't want to wish that everybody out there must first go through this thing in order to have that lens.

So I'm curious, because you've traveled so many, you've talked to so many people. What's your experience around the ability to cultivate that without going through the major traumatic incident? We have to at least set up stumbling blocks to trip over in life. Now, that can be exercise routines where we're waking up at five. It can be spiritual journeys where we're in scripture, you're meditating, you're praying. But we got to be setting ourselves up to really stretch ourselves because the real pain is coming. I mean, no one gets through this thing alive. And I found that some of the most successful people purposefully put challenges in front of them, whether it's wildly difficult goals, the tough mudders.

What's that really all about? It's proving to themselves and others they can do something really difficult. Mission trips. What's that all about? Send some money. Send some money and pay a couple guys a dollar a day to do the work even better than you can do it. So why go? I think it's to realize, wow, we are on a difficult journey and we're doing something

that matters. And this makes us aware when we get back on the other side, how blessed we are. And so I would encourage your listeners who have not been through a struggle to put up some boundaries, put up some challenges, do something difficult to stretch those muscles because the difficulty is coming and this will prepare them. It's going to make the soil ready when it does arrive yeah man if only it were that easy though because nobody wants to believe the difficulty is coming right so i have some bad news for your listeners and they want to turn it off if anyone's still listening you may want to turn it off now uh no one gets out of this thing alive you're right i mean everything

we have today eventually will be taken away from us. Our spouse, our children, our life, our breath, our wealth, it's all leaving. And once you go into the world and leave your front door with that mindset, it kind of opens you up to then either be bitter about it all and say, gosh, we're wasting our time, or to be grateful for the experience of everything. Everything. And when I speak a lot in like a leadership setting, I'll walk people through the four questions that victims love to ask. And so, these are the victims' questions. Victims, people who have a lousy mindset,

they love to ask the question, why me? That's the victim's number one question. And then they cross their arms because they realize they got a lousy life and they say, who cares? The great question of indifference. And then the question is, well, what's next? It is one thing after another. What is next? And then the final question is, well, gosh, what more can I do? I'm just one.

New York's a big place. Country's a big country. The world is a big world. What more can I do? I'm just one. Conversely, and these are the questions I try to ask every day. I know you ask because I see it all over the way you live and lead and serve. And it's the question I'm encouraging your listeners to pick up. But these are the victors

questions, the ones that allow us to live in awesome mindset all day long, a mindset of life and possibility. Their first question that they greet the rising sun with is, why me? Why am I so lucky? Why am I so blessed? Why am I so fortunate? Why am I here? Which allows them to get out of bed and say, who cares if it's hard, if it's challenging, make my life and those around me even bigger than it was today? And then finally, and I'm hoping that most of your listeners and you, Jonathan, know where it's going, but what more can I do to ensure, not hope. I think we kind of trade in a hope environment these days, but hope is not a strategy. So what more can I do to ensure tomorrow is even better than today? And I think when you go through life asking those same four questions as a victor over it on the front side before you even get out of bed, it equips you to walk through your day more boldly, more sustainably, more energetically, changes the way you feel about yourself. And it's going to change the way others feel about you too. Yeah, same four questions. Same four questions same four questions it's just how whether you view it as positive or or negative like a gateway to possibility or a gateway to defeat always it's a big deal yeah

it's about intention fundamentally underneath it's like everything you've circled back and you've touched on a number of different ways with a number of different words faith whether you talked about worship you talked about mission. Is faith a significant part of your life and has it always been? So the answer is yes to all of that. Although I try not to wear my faith with the Bible in my hands yelling downward, but to wear it so boldly. You said, John, you look like you're happy.

I mean, you walked in and you've been smiling since you walked in. What's that freaking about? What drugs are you taking? Man, I'm mainlining life. And it's a choice I take. And it's a faith that informs me. And for me in my life, I know what True North is. I have a strong faith in God.

My background is Christian. It's a Christian faith that I grew up in. When I was burned, nine years old, I'm laying in my bed in the emergency room, naked, skinless, and dying. And my mom walked in. When I was burned, nine years old, I'm laying in my bed in the emergency room, naked, skinless, and dying. And my mom walked in. She comes over to me. She takes my right hand. She pats my bald head and she says, I love you. I love you. So I thought I was in the doghouse. I thought she was going to kill me. And then she says, I love you. And I realized, oh my gosh, I'm not in trouble for blowing up the house. I'm in trouble because I'm probably going to die. So it was this reality moment for me.

So I look up at my mom and I said to her, Jonathan, mom, knock it off with the love. Am I going to die? Have you ever asked a question where you don't really want the honest answer? You know, we want hope. We love hope. We love hope. We love that kind of stuff. I wanted the milkshake promise. I thought she would say, baby, you're fine. We'll get you out of here today. We'll take you through steak and shake on the way home. There's a plug for them. We'll get you a vanilla or chocolate, your choice. And then instead, she leads forward with truth, which I think your listeners are longing for.

I think we need in our families, in our country, in our global environment. She said to me, baby, look at me. Do you want to die? It's your choice. It's not mine. And I looked up at my mom and I said to her, mama, I do not want to die. I want to live. And her response was good. Good. Then me take the hand of god walk the journey with him but you fight baby like you have never fought before your daddy and i will be with you every step along the way but baby you gotta fight you gotta want this thing bad and on that date january 17th jonathan 1987 we made a commitment as a family, a covenant to fight on, having no clue what the next day in hospital or the following day or months would look like. All we knew on day one is the fight was on, and we were going to do this thing as faithfully and as boldly and as courageously as we possibly could. And that fight continues today.

And it's one I have not yet won in my faith walk. I think it's already been won for me, but all I have to do is surrender to it and show up and celebrate the gift of each day. You mentioned that these days you're only traveling around the world and speaking. So how did you bridge the gap? What was the process of you being a carpenter or working on houses, working on construction, to turning around and saying,

I need to share my story. And what drove that? And how did that process happen? Yeah, so nine years ago, my mom and dad wrote a book, Overwhelming Odds. There's the plug again. I read it. I loved it.

It changed me and that's where it was gonna lay. And then about three months later, I'm at a job site. At this point, I have a crew that I'm working with. And so I'm in front of the pickup truck. The blueprints are in front of me. My phone rings. I have a tradition in life. If I don't know the number, I don't answer.

But I made the mistake this time, man, of picking up the phone. I answered, never do it, people. If you get nothing else out of this podcast, don't answer if you don't know who it is. Let them leave a voicemail. I answered, it was a Girl Scout mother. She had three Girl Scouts that met on Tuesday afternoon, and she was looking for a presenter. She just read the book, and she said, Mr. O'Leary, would you come and speak to my three Girl Scouts? I'm not a public speaker.

I've never really told anybody how I was burned. But in life, even to this date, I have a very simple response to any question of me. And the answer is yes. You know, yes. Can you do this? Can you do that? Yes, yes, we can do this. It's a great way to go through life. to those three Girl Scouts. I worked on my speech for 50 hours for three Girl Scouts. This is not trying to be funny. I threw up in the parking lot on the walk in, put a stick of gum in. The mindset that I had was turn around, go back to the car. They don't even want to hear from you, man. But I made a commitment.

So I walked in, I looked down at my notes, never once looked up at the little monsters, gave my talk, left the room, not even paid with as much as a Samoa box. And that was my first talk. Then one of their dads was a Rotarian. Six months later, I spoke at their club. Three months later, I got another opportunity each time to saying yes.

In the first two years of speaking, I said yes eight times for a grand total of one Starbucks $20 gift card. That was the great payment. But I was not and am still not doing it for the money. What were you doing it for? Man, mission. I felt called to it. I still feel called to it.

I think we live in a marketplace of such poverty. And I'm not talking about money We live in such a fear-riddled world That is so desperate for hope and perspective and somebody to breathe life and possibility into our souls and I feel like in a very small Way and in a very real way. That's what we get to do through our story To remind people that what they're going through today is not the end of it to remind people today as they turn on the news My encouragement is to turn it right back off Because they they lead with fear. If you watch the debates, you watch what's happening politically, you watch the stuff on the evening news, it's all bad. And yet, if you really shut your eyes or you walk across to a park,

you realize, gosh, man, the reality is it's good. The world has never, the global, we have never been safer as a world. We've never been safer as a country. We've never been wealthier as a country. We've never had more opportunities. We've never been more connected. And we've never felt worse about ourselves. So I think one way to start feeling a little bit better about ourselves is to turn off that news and turn into a different channel, which is why so many people are tuning into you. So that for you, it was the opportunity to start to affect people in that way. typically happens in backwater towns. That's really where it starts taking root. It's the groundswell, it's the troops in the field, it's little communities, it's families, it's individuals.

It's one by one that we can impact dramatic change globally. And we see example after example of this. The power of one is real. It's alive and well. But my encouragement to those who hear my voice is not to wait for it, but to become it. Why wait? Start now. Start in your own home. Start at your own workplace. Start in your own church or synagogue or place of worship. Don't wait.

So when you start sharing this message and making a $20 Starbucks card in your first eight talks in two years. Crushing it. I was crushing it. You're a full-time speaker now. So what happens in your mind and in your life and where you start to say, no, this is it? So anytime you speak anything in front of a group of anybody larger than yourself, there's a chance that they're going to reject you. I felt that. You know what I mean? Anytime.

And it could be a group of two or a group of 10. And so that was always something that I dealt with. But there was a time where a gentleman came up to me. It was probably my sixth talk. And he said to me, you have no idea what I've been going through. And then he gave me example after example after example. And then he said, and you have no idea how much I needed this message today. It's right on time.

And he gave me this hug, the kind of hug that you don't get from your family members or your dear friends. You get it in times of crisis and then overcoming that crisis. And he just held on to me for an awkward length of time. When he parted, there were tears in his eyes and I've never seen that man again. But that hug remains with me today. And it's one of the things that motivates me to do my absolute best. And in the interview and everything I write and everything I share and every presentation

I deliver, it's very real still because I realized that guy's still in the audience and that gal is still in the audience. And there's a chance that someone's going through something right now, or there's a chance that someone knows someone is going through something right now and that we can become better versions of ourselves. So that, man, it keeps me motivated. There's a quote from Viktor Frankl. You've heard this before, I'm sure. Frankl says, when you know your why, you can endure anyhow. And this is a guy who endures the Holocaust. It makes enduring five months in the hospital and having a few fingers amputated pretty insignificant. He lost everything and yet he endured.

And he reminds us who still endure, when you know your why, you can endure anyhow. And I think that's really relevant to any struggle we're going through. Because if you're focused just on the struggle, you're gonna lose that battle. But if you're focused on your mission, your calling, your purpose in life,

it's just a speed bump. It's a short little valley. Keep on going. My sense is the challenge in focusing on the bigger purpose that allows you to sort of experience those other things as speed bumps is that we so rarely explore that. What is that thing, that spark that we give it all sorts of different names your purpose your what's interesting to me is i i kind of have mixed feelings about this where i've had conversations where the idea i've been i've been told that you can't really do meaningful stuff you can't really do the work that you want to do until you know it and And there is one it. And there've been a lot of books written that suggests that. And there's a huge part of the self-help world that suggests

that too. I actually don't believe that. My sense is, I mean, this is my approach. I'm curious what you think and whether this is, well, my sense is it's much more about, there may be a thousand it's, but it's more about like, can I wake up today and feel like whatever it is that I'm doing, however I'm investing my energy, there's a sense of purpose. Not as my life purpose, not as the purpose, but just I'm doing it with a sense of ability to do more things with a deeper sense of purpose and meaning, that's one of the things that helps me sort of like hit reset after the speed bumps. So you and I are completely in line on that. I think we have probably sold a lot of tapes and a lot of books by saying there is a purpose. Read this book and I will walk you right to it. You're going to love yourself and it afterwards.

And then people read that book or they get that tape and they realize, well, I'm still hollow. I didn't figure it out. Your solution is right on. It is doing everything. You know, Martin Luther King Jr. refers to if you sweep the streets, sweep it like Picasso painted, man. Do it like it painted, man. Do it like it's the most important work on the earth because it is right now. And I think if you're at home right now sweeping up Cheerios, sweep them up beautifully.

Do it with a big old smile on your face and realize one day those Cheerios aren't going to be there because the kids are moving on. If you are interning and you're serving coffee, be the best doggone coffee server that that office firm ever saw. Because it's going to allow them to see a higher calling in you. And you're going to see it in yourselves. And the more we can treat every experience and every interaction and every job like it is sacred, the more we'll realize the mission's not out there. It's right now. I think we get too caught looking forward or looking backward. And the miracle's in the moment, always.

That's where the power is. That's where the why is right now. Yeah, so great. I think we get very caught up in becoming, and we sometimes miss the grace in being along the way. Right. I think both are important. So when you, as we sit and talk now, you're an author now. Congratulations.

Thank you. You spent a huge amount of time, I guess, traveling and speaking. But before we got on there, you were kind of sharing that you're starting to look forward and maybe doing a bit of a reset to sort of like a values check. It sounded like. Can you share a little bit? Yeah. So if you're not careful, you can achieve exactly what you hoped for. And so my hope, my intention was to become a motivational speaker, to become an inspirational speaker, which in time became a reality. We went from,

and by the way, your listeners might be hearing, John uses the word we a lot. And I do that accidentally, but I think it's just me knowing I can't do almost anything by myself entirely. We means my awesome bride and my four babies. We means my mom and dad who are still alive and are still amazing people. We, I have a team of five. I can't do what I do on the road without those incredible people. So the we dreamed of becoming a speaker. Eight talks in the first two years, then I had about 16 in year three, and then it was off to the races. 80 in year four, 112 in year five, 172 in year six. And then I realized, oh my gosh, the very thing that I wanted to share, I'm going to lose. My marriage, my babies, myself, sanity, all these things that

kind of make me special. Like I love living in the moment and you can't really live well in the moment if you got to catch the next flight out of Dodge. And so I have been working hard over the last few years to really refocus, say yes to the right opportunities, which does not necessarily mean bigger paycheck or bigger auditorium. It means saying yes to people that I believe have a mission heart and have the ability to influence others afterwards. And so we say yes today about 115 times, which means I'm on the road about 100 nights each year, but it means I'm home, fully at home, 260 nights or so a year. I think a lot of us get mixed up on balance. We try to judge these things and say, gosh, I feel out of balance. And I'm never out of balance. I think when I'm at work, I'm at work. My phone's off right now when you and I are looking at each other talking. But when I'm at home, even Jonathan can't find me. I'm fully at home.

The phone is off. I'm engaged with my kids. And I think it's really important that don't strive for balance. Strive to be present where you are. And I think that's a really powerful takeaway. Today, I have the honor of being a published author from Simon & Schuster. We wrote a book that was rolled out into the marketplace on March 15th. It's called On Fire. It's awesome. They wanted to put a picture of me on the front of it. When your listeners actually look at the

title that they'll say, gosh, John's picture is nowhere on it because the book is really not about me. It's about the men and women, the kids, the people who showed up, what they did, the lessons they taught, and how we can apply them in our own lives today, how we can become better versions of ourselves and how we can stop accidentally living. And so I'm really excited about the book. I think it's going to touch positively an awful lot of lives. And then eventually, I look forward to growing up and becoming more of a podcaster in a community theater. I think this is a really cool way to share lives,

to interact with one other person, to do it in community with a whole lot of other people paying attention and then to ignite them to do great things in their lives. Agreed. Don't have to convince me on that. Yeah, it works. It's coming full circle here.

Name it, this is a good life project. So if I offer out that term to live a good life, what comes up? What are the pieces of that puzzle if you could explore them? There is a big synagogue right across from where we're recording.

I actually took a picture of it. On the top of it, there's a simple line. It said, seek justice, love mercy, walk humbly with God. And so I was walking to your studio, got lost 11 different times. Siri only does so great. But the beauty of being lost is sometimes

you find things even better than what you were looking for. So I looked up, I'm trying to find an address. I see this massive, gorgeous, I'm sure you know the building. And then on the top of it are those letters. So I took a couple pictures, catch my breath, and then I find your studio. And then you asked me that question. And if I'm honest about it, if I can seek justice, love, mercy, and walk humbly with God every day, I think I will be an awesome dad. I think I'm going to be the best doggone husband of all time. I think I'll be a great son to my parents who need me to show up. I'll be a pretty strong sibling. I'll be wonderful in the community.

I'll be sweet to TSA. I'll be kind in Starbucks drive-thrus. It's going to change the way I show up if I can be bold enough to seek that happiness in justice, mercy, and God. Thank you. Hey, thanks so much for listening. Thank you. podcast. It really helps us get the word out. You can actually do that now right from the podcast app on your phone. If you have an iPhone, you just click on the reviews tab and take a few seconds and jam over there. And if you haven't yet subscribed while you're there, then make sure you hit the subscribe button while you're at it. And then you'll be sure to never miss out on any

of our incredible guests or conversations or riffs. And for those of you, our awesome community who are on other platforms, any love that you might be able to offer sharing our message would just be so appreciated. Until next time, this is Jonathan Fields signing off for Good Life Project. The Apple Watch Series X is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist, whether you're running, swimming, or sleeping.

And it's the fastest-charging Apple Watch, getting you 8 hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series X. Available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum. Compared to previous generations, iPhone XS or later required. Charge time and actual results will vary. Mayday, mayday. We've been compromised.

The pilot's a hitman. I knew you were going to be fun. On January 24th. Tell me how to fly this thing. Mark Wahlberg. You know what the difference between me and you is? You're gonna die. Don't shoot him, we need him!

Y'all need a pilot? Flight Risk.