Good Life Project - Leading Neuroscientist: Turn Anxiety and Anger Into Peace and Power | Ethan Kross
Episode Date: February 6, 2025Ever feel like your emotions are running the show? Learn breakthrough tools from Ethan Kross, PhD, leading expert on emotion regulation and author of Shift: Managing Your Emotions - So They Don't Mana...ge You. Discover potent "sensory shifters," attention deployment tactics, and a step-by-step process to master your emotional world once and for all.You can find Ethan at: Website | Instagram | Episode TranscriptIf you LOVED this episode you’ll also love the conversations we had with Ethan in an earlier conversation about overcoming mental chatter.Check out our offerings & partners: Join My New Writing Project: Awake at the WheelVisit Our Sponsor Page For Great Resources & Discount Codes Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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We have a range of different emotions we experience like for a reason.
They are...
Ethan Cross is a leading expert on controlling our inner voice and transforming mental chatter.
He's the best-selling author of Chatter and his new book Shift reveals groundbreaking tools for mastering your emotions.
What do emotions actually do for us?
Different emotions are like loading up different software programs within us to help us deal with specific situations we encounter. The problem is
that sometimes those emotions get experienced too intensely or for too
long and that's really when you need to... You know music is probably the sensory
modality that is used most. Why do you listen to music?
Because of the way it makes me feel.
It's interesting.
It's not used nearly as often as you would think.
So research shows that.
Hey there, before we dive into today's show,
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Good Life Project is supported by Audible.
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I recently listened to No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz and just learned so much about my
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you reach the goals you set for yourself. Start listening today when you sign up
for a free 30-day trial at audible.ca. Excited to explore the world of emotions
with you? You and I touched bases a couple years back now when your last
book, Chatter came out. Chugging mass one very particular way that our minds do
interesting things to us. In your new exploration, Chatter came out, talking about one very particular way that our minds do interesting things to us.
In your new exploration, it's really more of a broad exploration of how emotions work
within us, how they affect us, and how we, quote, regulate them, how we work with them,
how we allow our emotions to work with us.
One of my curiosities has always been, why do we emote? Because nothing lasts in the human condition
unless it serves a very particular role.
What do emotions actually do for us?
So I'm a proponent of the belief that all emotions
are adaptive when they are experienced
in the right proportions, not too intensely and not too long.
And when I say all emotions, I really mean all emotions.
And I think that's an important message to share with people,
in part because I fundamentally believe it to be true,
but it also is a liberating message.
One myth that I often come across
is this idea that to live a good life
is to live a life free of negative experiences of negative
emotions. We could go through some of the big negative emotions we have they serve
a really useful function in our lives. Take anxiety I call this in my book the
boogeyman emotion of modern-day times. So many of us right we think about
anxiety and instantly we think to ourselves, oh my god, it's the last thing I want to feel.
When I think about experiences I've had giving talks, I've given hundreds, maybe thousands
of talks over the course of my career.
If I think about the one or two that didn't go so well, they're the talks where I didn't
experience any butterflies in my stomach a couple of
days before.
No anxiety whatsoever.
What does anxiety do?
It alerts us to an important goal that we have that is ahead of us and it mobilizes
resources within us to help us prepare for that goal.
So anxiety just a little bit, that can be really useful for motivating an appropriate
kind of response.
Take anger as another example.
We often think of anger as a toxic emotion.
When do we experience anger?
We experience anger when we encode some kind of transgression of our worldview.
Something now has gone wrong.
This is not the way I expect things to go,
but there's an opportunity for me to correct the situation,
for me to right the ship.
So my daughter, let's say one of my youngest daughters,
they know they're not supposed to ride their bike.
She knows she's not supposed to ride her bike
without her helmet.
If she rides her bike without a helmet,
I might experience some anger in her presence, express that anger
to her so she can see it. And that serves a function. It is, this is a very important
situation that I care about the safety of my kid, most important thing in the world,
right? And now I'm displaying this emotion that is communicating to her that what she
did was incorrect. And hopefully that's having downstream effects on her behavior.
We evolve this capacity to emote for a reason.
Different emotions are like loading up different software programs within us to help us deal
with specific situations we encounter.
The problem is that sometimes those emotions get experienced too intensely or for
too long and that's really when you need to know how to regulate them, which is what most of my
work is focused on and my book deals with. But you know, if you experience anger or anxiety or sadness
or envy or guilt at times, welcome to the human condition my friend. We all do and
reframing those experiences is as helpful I
think can be a tremendous boon to our daily lives.
Yeah, I mean I've always been curious about that. You know, there are some sort of Eastner philosophical teachings around
non-attachment, non-grasping. And part of those teachings, and this may be my part of this, maybe my filtering, my
overlay is a non-grasping to feeling a certain way, to a lot of what we would identify as
emotion.
You know, the ability to just notice that a certain thing is happening and coming up,
allowing yourself to feel it and then allowing it to just move through you and not hold on
to anything.
So that you return to a state of, you know, what's often considered just sort of emptiness,
a void, which I equate to a state that exists sort of like without emotion.
And it's always been teed up as a bit of an aspiration to me.
And I've never quite been able to wrap my head around that,
in part because I think for the typical person,
it's largely an impossible thing to ever experience.
But also because I can't imagine wanting
a life devoid of emotion.
I mean, sure, you know, like maybe a little less anxiety,
a little less angst, a little less, you know, of that side of emotion. I mean, sure, you know, like maybe a little less anxiety, a little less angst, a little less, you know,
of that side of it, but at the same time, you know,
there's so much, like as you described,
like each one of these things serves a function
that allows us to experience life in a richer way.
And then the other side of the emotional spectrum,
we are like, oh, more, but even all of, you know,
like the diversity of emotions that
we can experience. If I even try to imagine a life without them, both the highs and the
lows, that doesn't feel like a life that I want to be in.
I agree. I'm very familiar with that argument, that kind of shooting for that even keel in
this homeostatic point where you let yourself experience something and let it slide by.
Sometimes I want to immerse the hell out of an emotional experience.
When I am feeling joy out of something that just went really well for
my family or my students or me,
like immersing in that,
that's the stuff that sometimes makes life worth living.
I was out to dinner with some close friends,
my wife and I and some close friends the other day.
We were laughing and sharing stories
and it was a fundamentally emotional experience.
And it's one that stands out in my mind right now.
I remember it, even though it happened several days ago.
Like those are the moments that I want more of.
I crave those.
And so I think what we're talking about is
a different view or goal that we're giving people, but as you've found to relate to their
emotions and their emotional lives. When I experience a negative emotion, I don't just
notice it necessarily and let it go away. That can work for some people. One big theme
of my book is if the way in which you are handling your emotions is working
really well for you, keep doing it.
Right?
If an ape broke, don't fix it.
For most of us, the statistics and common experience would suggest there is some room
for improvement, if not a great deal.
What works for me, and this has been a real game changer for me when I experience a little bit of anxiety I
reinterpret that as I lean into it. Well, this is my body. This is
Evolution gearing me up to deal with the situation at hand, right?
This is an adaptive response it shows I care and it's allowing me to focus in on what I have to do
So I'm reframing this negative experience in positive terms now that It shows I care and it's allowing me to focus in on what I have to do.
So I'm reframing this negative experience in positive terms now that can be really energizing.
So I'm not thinking, oh, what's wrong with me that I'm having this experience?
I'm thinking, this is what's right with me.
Reframing them in those terms can serve a helpful function.
I mean, that makes a lot of sense.
So when you use the phrase emotional regulation, what are we actually talking about here?
So we're talking about being able to turn the volume up or down on the emotions you're
experiencing or shorten or lengthen the amount of time we stay in those experiences.
So intensity, up or down, and duration, shorter or longer.
And how we want to get in there and skillfully deal with our emotions or regulate them is
going to depend entirely on what our goals are.
So if you want to have the goal of maximizing this experience of joy, but maybe have it
confined to the moment because you have to go and meet with a client in ten minutes,
then it's about just amplifying up, but not also extending it.
And you could play that game for all of the different states that we experience.
But that is fundamentally what emotional regulation is about.
It is about harnessing tools that exist within us
and around us, I mean, in our relationships
with other people, in our physical spaces, in the cultures that we belong to, utilizing
those tools to allow us to achieve the emotion goals that we have.
So, and I want to get into some of those tools, but the question that's lingering as you lay there is like, okay, yes, and to what end?
Well, you know, different emotions have different consequences that we just discussed, like
for our lives.
If you find, for example, that an emotion is getting tweaked, I'm going to give you
two different kinds of examples.
Let's say an emotion, anxiety is not being experienced
in proportion. It's too intense and it's lasting way too long. That can be enormously disruptive,
right? We're now having difficulty concentrating, difficulty sleeping, we're taking it out on
our partner and maybe we're getting some gastric distress as well. The end there, the purpose of regulation there
is to constrain that anxiety response,
reduce its intensity, and reduce how long it's lasting.
We may not want to eliminate it altogether.
If it's anxiety about something really important,
you may want to still keep some vigilance active.
But we need this to be a more proportional response.
So that's one end. Let's go to the
opposite end of the spectrum, not about reducing intensity and duration, but
amplifying it. The time I mentioned earlier when I didn't prepare for a
presentation because I had no butterflies beforehand, that's an example
where it probably would behoove me to be
able to turn up a little bit of anxiety or a little bit of that anxious arousal
to get me motivated, right, to actually practice the presentation to be
able to perform well. So that would be an example of an instance where you'd want
to turn on a negative response. Now we're just talking about negative responses. We
could also have the same conversation for all sorts of positive experiences too.
But the idea is that these emotions have implications for really everything that matters, our ability
to think and feel, our relationships and our health.
And so we want to make sure that we're experiencing emotions in ways that lead to the ideal outcomes
in those different domains.
And the ideal outcome is going to be unique to the context, to the person lead to the ideal outcomes in those different domains.
And the ideal outcome is going to be unique to the context, to the person, to the moment,
to the circumstance.
We do seem to still hold on so fiercely to this desire to like, if you're like, oh, hey,
listen, we can look at each one of these emotions and we can adjust the amplitude and the duration
to make it optimal for our experience.
I would imagine there's going to be a tendency for everyone to say, okay, so I know Ethan
says that anxiety has a certain use.
It's important to us.
And anger has a certain use.
And sadness has a certain use.
But really, if I actually have the ability to reduce the amplitude and the duration of
these, why not just reduce them all the way?
How is that actually gonna be destructive to my life?
Well, let's use the example of pain
because it's a kind of emotional response
and I think it powerfully answers your question,
makes a point.
There are certain people that are born into this world
and they're incapable of experiencing physical pain.
If you look at those people's lives,
what you find is that they're not very good lives.
Those people end up usually dying early.
They die early because they put their hand
in the fire accidentally,
and there's no cue that tells them to pull it away.
They start itching the mosquito bite
and the scab that forms, and they keep doing it, right?
Because there's no cue to
say stop, you now have an open wound that can become infected.
What makes these different negative emotions functional is the fact that they hurt at some
level, right? That hurt, that subjective experience of distress that accompanies different emotional responses is what is grabbing
our attention and telling us to pay attention to this situation in a very
particular way that the emotion is driving. And so if you were to just get
rid of those negative emotions altogether, the prediction would be, and
even some data like I just discussed, is that this would probably not be a very
Successful life that you would live and so it's gonna be really hard to ever test that idea
Because guess what? You can't get rid of every negative emotion
It is hardwired into us this capacity to experience it
And so I think the more we can wrap our head around
that, the easier it becomes to really embrace this notion that there's a role that negative
emotions have in our lives. They're giving us information, information about the circumstances
that we're in that we can use to live better lives. Let's take envy as another example. Like envy, we usually
think of us as isn't that the seventh deadly sin? Right? It's like, you know, it's not a good one.
Envy can lead us to if experience too intensely too long lead to some negative outcomes. But you
know what it can also do? It can be unbelievably motivating. Right? If you see someone who is outperforming you
or outachieving you in some way,
that can have a motivating effect,
motivating consequence that leads you to strive harder
to reach the goals that you have.
So these emotional experiences, these negative experiences
can be easily reframed in how we think about them
in ways that I personally
find exceptionally liberating. Because if you're telling me that, hey Ethan, like
you really shouldn't be experiencing any anger, any sadness, any envy, like name
your favorite negative emotion, and then I experience those states, we all
experience these emotions for a reason.
And we'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.
Good Life Project is supported by Audible. So this year, why not let Audible expand your
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You'll find titles on better health, including personal fitness, nutrition, relationships, and relaxation.
Maybe explore new career strategies or reimagine your financial
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I recently listened to No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz and just learned so much about my
different parts and how they affect me.
Ultimately, it's all about starting good habits.
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You know, I think part of what you're speaking to here is our capacity to be intentional about the way that we live our lives, to make decisions that are in some way beneficial
to us and to others around us.
It's like I think we love to think of ourselves as these like we're rational beings, like
we make intelligent, rational choices, and yet, as you described, emotion carries information.
That information is actually really important
for us to make good decisions,
even if we don't like the feeling that goes along with it.
So it's like, if we strip away the emotion,
and by doing that, we also strip away the information,
then it kind of sabotages our ability
to then make decisions and take actions
in a way that actually would allow us
to live the lives that we want to live.
Does that make sense?
It does, and I think it also makes it much more challenging
for us to live the lives we want to live
because it compounds the negative experience.
So take an example that happens, true story with my oldest daughter several years ago.
She had one of her first early evaluative moments in school with a big test and it was
stressful.
And she started experiencing some real anxiety about it and she didn't understand what it
was.
What's happening?
What's wrong with me?
Oh, sweetie, it's nothing wrong with you. This is your body doing exactly what it's supposed
to be doing to help prepare you for the exam tomorrow
to say, hey, we have a little bit more studying to do.
That instantly changed the way she was relating
to this experience she was having.
This is not something that is wrong with me.
This is how human beings work. Clearly,
if the anxiety is too extreme, too long, then we really want to intervene. But in the right
proportions, this simple reframe often helps bring down the intensity of that response.
You said something else that I want to just engage in because I think it's really important.
You raise this notion of having some agency with respect to the way that we relate to
our emotions and our emotional lives.
I think it's a really important point to harp on for a moment because one of the most eye-opening
experiences I had doing research was coming across an article and I tell this story in my book that looked at people's beliefs about
whether they can actually control their emotions and
the researchers basically surveyed a large group of adolescents and asked them a series of questions about
Do you think you can control your emotions and about 40% of the sample said no?
I don't think I can control my emotions.
That to me is astounding for a variety of reasons.
The first of which is,
if you don't think you can control your emotions,
why would you take any steps to ever do so?
Right, like if I don't think there's anything I can do to lose 10 pounds or lower my blood pressure
or improve my cholesterol levels, I'm not going to change the way I diet or exercise.
Because why bother?
Those are often effortful, take time.
If I do think I can do it, then that should motivate me to take some action.
And yet 40% of this sample did not think they could control their emotions.
So as I break down in the book, there is good reason for that, and I think it's worth just
very quickly sharing with listeners.
There are facets of our emotions that we can't control and parts of our emotional
experience that we can.
We cannot control when an emotion is going to be automatically triggered.
Right?
Like I was just in New York and I was in a cab.
It was not a pleasant sensory experience.
There's like heavy sense of body odor.
You can relate.
You lived in New York. This happens at times. Lovely driver, but
wow. Instantly there was a negative experience, a negative emotional
response. A sensory mediated response was triggered. I have no control over that.
What I do have control over is how I engage with that emotion. Do I reframe it?
Do I divert my attention elsewhere?
Do I try to have another kind of sensory experience, sniff some perfume or cologne to combat it?
All sorts of things we can do to channel that emotional response in different directions,
to increase or decrease its amplitude or duration. So you can't control those automatically triggered feelings
that are just part and parcel of living our lives,
but you can control the trajectory of those experiences.
I think that too can be a really liberating idea
for people to just noodle on because sometimes, I mean, let me
ask you, Jonathan, do you ever have a dark thought?
Never, of course.
Never?
I mean, like-
I had one back in 87, but-
Back in, you're a saint, a total saint.
Well, I'll tell you though that if that were true, which of course I know it is not, you
would be an anomaly.
I do this exercise with my classes when I, here at Michigan, I did this just a few months ago.
I asked about 60 students anonymously
to indicate whether they had experienced
a really dark thought over the past week,
and then to tell me what those thoughts were,
anonymously type it into a computer program
that would allow me to then see these thoughts.
Everyone has these dark thoughts and they are really heavy.
Sometimes they're about violence towards others, towards the self, dark sexual thoughts, like
you name it, we saw it there.
This mind of ours sometimes generates those dark thoughts and the feelings that accompany
them, and that's a universal.
So if you understand that, hey, if you experience a dark thought at times, like, it doesn't
mean you're a bad human being, it means you're a human being, and part of the way your brain
is just working, it sometimes produces these wacky dark thoughts.
But if you act on those thoughts, then that's
a different story because there are ways of engaging with them or not.
Yeah, I mean it's such an important point. I'm glad you teased that out. It's almost like the way that so many of us
react to anxiety creating a spiral. It's like something happens, it makes us
anxious, and then we basically start thinking about our own anxiety and we create this spin cycle
where we shame ourselves for feeling this way, we shouldn't feel this way, there's
something horribly wrong, how can I not let go of this?
And we keep giving fuel to this feeling based on our beliefs about what it's actually telling
us or whether it's good or bad or whether it's normal or abnormal.
It's interesting to hear you describe the role of our beliefs about our emotions
and how they contribute to the amplitude and the duration potentially of those
emotions. Well there's a reason why the second chapter of the book, before I talk
about any tools, deals with precisely this issue of beliefs because it is the
starting point. My advisory member in graduate school,
one of the first things he taught me was,
look, we can break down emotion regulation into two parts.
Really simple.
There's your motivation.
Do you think you can do it?
Do you wanna do it?
And then the tools that exist
to help you achieve those goals.
If you're not motivated, like we just said before,
you're not gonna use any of that.
You can know all the different,
let's use physical exercise as an analogy,
or I could know how to use every machine in the gym.
If I'm not motivated to lose weight,
if I don't think I can do it,
I'm not gonna avail myself of those tools.
The flip side though is I
can be super motivated to get fit, but if I don't know how any of those tools,
those machines work, not only am I gonna be unsuccessful in achieving that goal, I
may actually harm myself, right? I may like try to like, you know, I don't know
I'm gonna make something up here, but like bench press with my neck and
sprain something or you know, whatever. That to make something up here, but like bench press with my neck and sprain something or whatever.
That was probably not the best example.
I had the open terrain there to do something funny.
You need both.
You need the beliefs that you can do this.
And science compellingly shows that we possess this capacity to manage the trajectory of
our emotional responses.
We have like sophisticated brain networks that evolve to help us do this, to transform
our emotional experience by redirecting our attention on or away from what's driving those
emotions to reframing those experiences, to transporting ourselves in time,
to allowing us to find the right people to talk to.
It's remarkable the array of tools we possess to be able to modulate our emotions.
And so just conveying that to folks I think is just really important.
That makes a lot of sense to me.
My question that brings up for me then is if we take that 40% of people that you described who answered, like, I actually don't believe that I have the ability to in any meaningful
way control my emotions.
How do we bridge the gap?
The belief gap, because as you described, there are a whole bunch of tools.
You lay out a whole bunch of tools that we're going to drop into shortly that are really
effective and that are highly accessible and often don't cost anything.
These are things that people can do.
But if you're in that 40%, somebody's listening to this right now and they're saying like,
like I've been feeling this way. I've been flying off the handle.
I've been deepening into this, you know, like since for literally,
for as long as I can remember, I've done all the different things.
I've tried X, Y, and Z.
And I'm just at a point where I literally do not believe that it is possible for me
to in any way, shape or form regulate my emotions anymore.
And then you're sitting there on the other side of the conversation saying, I'm sitting
on top of a vault of tools that I know will help you.
What's the shortest path between that profound disbelief and somebody even believing just
enough so that they're willing to try one of them to let their own experience start
convincing them?
Or is that, in fact, the thing that starts to open the vault for them?
Well, two answers to that very good question.
So first of all, I think it's not that the 40%
who say they can't control their emotions are wrong.
You know, I think people focus on different facets
of our emotional experience
when they're answering that question.
So the people who are sometimes like,
you can't control an emotion,
they're really focusing on this emotional trigger.
I can't control the emotions I experience
when I'm walking down the street and, you know,
someone insults me or I smell something that's aversive.
Like I have no control over that.
How can you make the claim that I do?
Whereas the people who are saying
you can control your emotions,
they're the ones who are thinking about,
well, you know, if I'm in the smelly cab I can do this I
can pinch my nose or
See the person who just gave me a scowl and think oh well
Maybe they're having a bad day like maybe they you know just got some really bad news. So I think
It's not that one person is right one group of people is right and the other is wrong it's that we're focusing on different parts of our emotional experience.
Let's say there's some skeptics that fall through the cracks
and still don't believe there's anything they can do
to manage their emotions.
Give them a piece of chocolate.
Put on some, you know, Bon Jovi or Adele.
Have them sniff some perfume.
What's the shortest way to showing
that we can have some agency
and our ability to modulate our emotional experience?
Activate the senses.
Part of the way that our senses operate is through emotion.
I mean, why do you listen to music, Jonathan?
What's your favorite kind of music?
Probably classic rock.
Classic rock.
Why do you listen to it?
Because of the way it makes me feel.
It makes you feel faster access to a feeling for me
than the right music.
That's right.
And if you ask people this, which many researchers have,
about 96 or so percent will say exactly what you said.
So why do you listen to music?
I like the way it makes me feel.
So you want a fast track to showing you can change your emotions around?
Like that's how you do it.
I have songs on my phone that are designated for different kinds of moods.
Like I can get pumped up really fast.
Some of it is cliche and it'll make listeners think much less of me.
I'll share it nonetheless. If you want to pump me up, like you go into some rock and roll,
even verging on even some, I'm a big Yankees fan. One of my favorite players of all time
is a guy by the name of Mariano Rivera, who you know doubt, are you a baseball fan? Anyway,
this guy really comes greatest closer of all time. So if the team was down or was up and the manager wanted to just end the game with a
win, they put him in and he always approached the mound to mentality to enter the sand man.
You put that up, I feel like I'm ready to conquer the world.
And I have songs like that that can get me going. And I have songs that can bring me down.
One very powerful way that people can just experience
some agency with respect to our emotional lives.
Now those effects fleeting right after the music goes off,
our emotions often return to where they were before.
But nonetheless, they demonstrate
there are things you can do to push those emotions around.
And it's certainly, it's one of the levers that I throw pretty regularly in my own life
when I want to feel a particular way.
And interestingly, it's also, you know, I will listen, you know, like if I go, like
if I'm listening to you too from the 80s or the 90s, it gives me a very particular feeling,
you know, that's lost in some sort of transcended
type of moment or experience.
But I might also listen to Leonard Cohen because I actually want to feel a certain kind of
deep melancholy because I may just be in a space where I'm just like, I really want to
drop into my heart for a moment.
It's powerful.
So it works on both ends of the spectrum.
Totally.
Let's talk about that.
That's another great example of how negative emotions
can have some functionalities.
We tend to experience sadness
when we experience some loss that we can't replace, right?
Like we lose someone we love,
or we screw up in a way that we cannot fix.
When we experience sadness, a few things happen.
First, there's this kind of slowing down of our physiology.
There's also this motivation to withdraw
and be introspective, to turn our attention inward.
Why?
To make sense and meaning out of this new circumstance
that we're finding ourselves in.
Like something happened, we cannot fix
this situation, we can't replace the loss, we got to now reframe how we're thinking
about ourselves and the world around us to make sense of this new reality. So we
need some time to do that introspective work. But, and I love this feature of
sadness, you know, go to when you're in that kind of dark ish state, right, you're not feeling great, and
you're withdrawing, that could be dangerous if you pull too far
away. So what is evolution and gout us with a sad facial
expression, that is like a lifeline that broadcasts to
those around us, hey, don't leave this person alone, check
up on them.
You know some people use this to their benefit and yes daughters I'm talking to
you. Like my daughters if I'm sometimes upset they'll just put on the sad face,
you know it's like an exaggerated lower lip gets her. And even though I know it's
being deliberate it still instantly melts me And that's because we are social species.
We are highly attuned to the emotions of other people.
So there's a functionality to sadness,
and you can use music to go deeper into that state.
So there's this effect called the emotional congruency
effect, which is when we are experiencing
certain emotional states, we often seek out
experiences to match those states.
So when we're in a sad mood, we're going to want to listen to some sad music.
Nothing wrong with that.
If you're feeling sad and you don't want to feel sad anymore, that is a cue then, hey,
maybe you shouldn't listen to the Leonard Cohen and you should go listen to Journey
instead.
I mean, it's interesting also as you're describing them,
thinking of the phrase a good cry,
and it's interesting that phrase exists,
because you're kind of saying,
okay, so there's actually,
there are times where you just feel heavy or sad
and you're carrying something,
and there's something in us that knows that if we just push it,
if we just move into the point
where we have this physiological response, like crying,
that it also, it creates a release mechanism
that almost gives us access to then move out of it,
to process our way through it,
and then like move into that state of like,
you know, like, I feel differently now.
But it's like we had to tip ourselves into it almost to get that extra
physiological response to sort of release us into a better place.
Tense and all.
It makes total sense to me.
And it makes me want to ask you, how does having that insight change
the way you experience sadness? Does it make it a more
acceptable experience to have? I'll answer from my perspective. I don't
necessarily shy away from the hard experiences or emotions. It doesn't
sort of meaningfully change the way I would process it because I'm okay going
there actually. Yeah. And I'm okay crying. I'm okay going there actually. And I'm okay crying.
I'm okay actually feeling all the feels because I also feel like to try and regulate them
to the point where I'm not feeling them, it doesn't mean that whatever the stimulus that
evoked them in the first place is not in some way going to find its way out in my body, and often that is through other emotions
that are equally hard or through physiological harm.
You know, as you described earlier in our conversation,
maybe it's going to show up in GI distress,
maybe it's going to show up in pain,
maybe it's going to show up in inflammation or an illness,
and that has happened in my past
and probably will happen again.
I think what I've tried to learn over time is that I actually need to, in order to be
healthy physiologically, psychologically, but also physically, I actually need to feel
all these things.
And I need to own them and I need to fully feel them because they're not going to just
go away.
They're just going to find another way through me.
And oftentimes that way is going to be much more destructive.
Yeah, so that attitude, a very evolved one, and it's, I would describe it as you
through a, I mean it would be interesting to learn how you got to this point and
when you did based on what kinds of experiences, but you're working with the machine that is
you rather than against it.
When we talk about these sayings that suggest to people that you should aspire to never
experience negative emotions or another one of my favorite directives, always be in the
moment or never avoid pain, always approach it.
These are impossible directives.
We're giving people goals and we're telling them they're really important that they cannot
possibly accomplish.
That I think is a huge problem because you are setting people up for failure from the
very beginning when there are better goals to have.
And I realize better can sound judgy,
but I'm saying this based on what I know
of how emotions work.
Like, they can be useful in the right dosages.
So I think your view is enlightened.
So let's drop into what we kind of,
we backed our way into actually,
the early part of the conversation around what you describe as
shifts like these are like mechanisms or tools to be able to actually in some way
Navigate the amplitude and the duration of these things that we're feeling so that we can experience them
But it also experienced them in a way that actually feels better to us that feels like okay what like I can deal with this
I'm okay with this and maybe I can even find value in it. You talk about in the early part of
you know this you kind of divide into shifting from the inside out as the
starting point and right sensory shifters is you know is this huge
mechanism we talked about in the context of music but just more broadly describe
to me what is a sensory shifter. A sensory shifter is when you are activating your senses, which have these powerful connections,
neurologically speaking, to emotion networks in our brain.
You're strategically activating your senses to generate a desired emotional response.
So in English, what do I mean? You want to feel
happy? You are firing up music that makes you feel happy. You want to feel a little
bit more sedated and calm? You're putting on maybe some classical music or the
music that helps you achieve those goals. Music is probably the sensory modality
that is used most often for these regulatory purposes, though it's interesting
it's not used nearly as often as you would think.
So research shows that most people, like almost at ceiling, 96, 97% of people when asked across
studies why you listen to music, they say they like the way it makes them feel.
But if you then look at what they do to manage their emotions
when they're experiencing really big ones, 10 to 30 percent avail themselves of that
sensory modalities. We all have this kind of experience of listening to music. Like
I was just at a concert a couple of weeks ago and I was like, oh my God, people have
paid collectively millions of dollars
to just have their emotions be regulated for three or four hours.
This was just an emotion regulation event.
Everyone's happy.
For most of it, there are a couple of sad songs that were played.
But I talk about this in the book, like even for me as someone who has studied emotion
for 25 years, like I have often lost sight of earlier in my life of the role
that the senses play in impacting our emotions, that they are a tool that can be strategically
levered. Like when I go into the car now, I look at the dashboard and I don't see, you know, I guess
we wouldn't call it a radio, but we call it a device for activating playlists.
Like I see an emotion regulation tool
that I can move my emotions around and everyone in that car
depending on what channels I select, right?
What playlist, what songs I put up there.
And so it's a tool that's right there.
It is so easy to use.
And I don't think we use it frequently enough.
Another just to give
you one more powerful sensory tool is touch. You know, an affectionate embrace
has been shown to generate positive feelings pretty automatically. If it's an
unwanted embrace, it actually leads to the opposite regulatory outcomes, right?
It can lead to a kind of cringe get away from me.
Touch is the first sense to develop. We are a tactile species.
And so if I'm not having a great day
and my wife comes over and just kind of gives me a hug
or rubs my back, like there's an automatic regulatory effect
that has, and it's one that I can leverage as well
to help other people.
You know, and clearly we need to give all the caveats
about you wanna do this judiciously.
You don't wanna haphazard touch people at work.
Like that would not be a good thing,
but let's not kid ourselves.
We're a tactile species, right?
And so you can leverage that sensory modality as well.
So those are just two examples,
but we see similar data linked with the other sensory modalities as well. So those are just two examples, but we see similar data linked
with the other sensory modalities, vision, hearing, scent as well. These are all gateways
for relatively effortlessly shifting our emotions. And I threw in that relatively effortlessly
there for a reason. We know that human beings, we don't like to do things that are hard.
This is true for all of us.
There's a law of least effort that characterizes us.
And there's good reason for this.
We have limited resources.
We're always trying to preserve our cognitive or thinking resources.
And so the easier something is to do, the more likely you are to do it.
These sensory modalities aren't necessarily going to help us fix the giant problems we
experience, but they can nudge us in the right emotional directions.
Being aware of that, I think, is really important.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense to me.
And I feel like the speed of action for the sensory shifters is it can often be so fast you
know that maybe it's just like the match that just kind of like immediately
starts to shift us into something and maybe then we have to do some work to
sustain it or to change or to add exactly what yeah and we'll be right
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One of the other shifters that you talk about under this category of inside out
is also attention, which I've always been so fascinated between the relationship
between attention and emotion and what we feel.
You brought up earlier in the conversation, pain and attention have always had a really
strong relationship to me.
And I learned years ago, a million years ago, I went to Yoga Studio in Hills Kitchen, New
York.
And I also had migraines.
I had migraines my entire adult life.
I had to teach a class, you know, like, so it's 6.30, 50 people are piling into a room
that just had a hard day.
It's my job to show up and give them everything that I can for 90 minutes.
And there were times where I would show up and, you know, like, I've got a raging headache
and I don't know how I'm going to do this.
I step into the room and I sit down and everybody's just sitting there.
And all of a sudden, my attention shifts from me to these 50 other beings who I'm in service
of and the moment that we're in together.
And for the 90 minutes, the pain drops away.
And then when the last person leaves the room, it comes back.
You know, and so I really began to explore like the relationship between attention and
felt experience, like whether it's physiological or emotional, psychological.
And you know, you speak to this and I think it's such a powerful lever for us.
Oh, absolutely.
I mean, attention is determining what's getting into our brains, right?
It's what we are, how we are.
That is our spotlight.
And what you put the spotlight on is that what you are going to then focus on and What's interesting about attention is that it's often talked about in very?
non nuanced ways
We've learned a couple of things over the past few decades about attention and emotion that suggests that maxim is not true
So here's what we know we We know that chronically avoiding problems,
so if you have this rule that you should always avoid things,
this is not good.
This can lead to negative outcomes and does over time.
By the same token, like chronically attending
to every source of pain possible,
probably not a good idea either,
and probably can elicit lots of mental chatter too,
if you're just always
zooming in on the problems that are in front of you.
What seems to be the most effective strategy is being able to be strategic in how we deploy
our attention, being flexible, being able to engage with negative feelings at times
when it's useful and productive, like when we do need to solve a problem and work through it and learn from our experiences. Focusing on the problem, wielding our attention
to it can be very helpful. But at other times, sometimes getting some mental space away from
the problem can be really helpful because what it allows to happen, let's say I distract,
like you did, you distracted by
focusing on other people.
If we're dealing with an emotional experience, time often tempers our emotional reactions.
Like you know, we often say, time heals all wounds.
It's a pretty powerful effect that time has on many of the emotional trials and tribulations
that we experience.
And so you're getting some time away from a problem it is
Remarkable how when you then come back to that problem later, sometimes it's just not even there and in other cases
It's there but in a less intense form where we can engage with it more effectively
I'll give you an example for my own life. You know, just last night
There was something that you know, it was very it was a long day
And I didn't have probably as many
resources cognitively as I do when I first wake up and I'm fresh and I thought about something and it was beginning to
get me anxious like oh my god that I screwed this up and
For a little bit I started to focus on it to really get to the bottom of it to see if I had screwed up
And I found that the more I focused in on it and zoomed in, the
bigger the problem seemed to be. And then I purposely taking a page out of my book,
no pun intended, I diverted, I positively distracted, I strategically avoided and
said to myself, I'm not going to come back to this until tomorrow. And so I
engage in a positive set of distractions. I played with my kids, I'm not going to come back to this until tomorrow. And so I engage in a positive set of distractions.
I played with my kids.
I watched some funny clips on social media, which consumed my attention.
I talked to my wife and lo and behold, that's what happened this morning.
When I woke up, Jonathan, it was magically dealable or gone.
It was gone.
It wasn't even there.
Whereas 12 hours earlier, it felt like one of the
biggest problems I had ever encountered. And so that's an example of the power of being
able to strategically divert our attention on or away from things can be really useful.
Now, we don't tend to teach people how to strategically deploy our attention We just give them these max ins work through it. Don't avoid
I cannot tell you how many times I have heard over the course of my life and career
You should never avoid talking about this or focus as always confront the problem head-on
Sometimes confronting is really good other times
Move away from a little bit and come back to it
That kind
of flexibility seems to be the name of the game. So there are these rules that I try
to flesh out in the book of when to avoid, when to approach, when to go back and forth
that we've learned from the science over time. And I think that learning about what those
contingencies, what those rules are, it almost gives us a playbook for how to steer our attention
spotlight in ways that can be productive.
So, I agree with that. And I think that having those rules, having that sort of basic guideline
that say, okay, like here's, I have a better sense for when to step in or when to step
out. I want to switch out into some of the more external things that you explore as well.
And you described this as shifting from the outside in. And one of the things that you
talked about is physical environments.
I thought this was really fascinating because I'm somebody who's also really strongly affected
by both my immediate physical environment and also geographically where I am and have
found that they have a really strong effect on whatever I'm feeling in any given moment
in time.
This kind of combines with the internal, because it's oftentimes,
when you shift your physical environment,
you're also probably making a change in your attention.
And the sense is, it's hard to kind of tease this out
and just control for only one of these.
So if I'm stressed about something
and I'm getting a little anxious about it,
I actually need to get up.
I need to get out of my office and I need to be outside.
And the change in the physical space around me often is really powerful.
At least for me, it tends to be fairly immediate and very...
Oh, well, you're not alone either. I mean, this is a very powerful shifter. And there
are a couple of different ways it works. You already described one set of properties that
characterize it. Like when you change your space, your inputs are different.
So your attention is focused on different things.
Your sensations are different too.
One of the most popular spaces
that can have emotionally restorative effects
for people is going out in nature.
Well, when you go out in nature,
now all of a sudden you're not necessarily
looking at a computer screen,
but you're looking at your surroundings.
You have sights and
smells and sounds that are often pleasant. You can sometimes also be in a place that
is filled with grandeur that makes you feel, wow, this life seems a little bit bigger than
just me. These trees have been here for hundreds of years and I'm worried about this little
episode that didn't go well with the guest guest so they can help also shift your perspective, which is another internal shifter
We haven't talked about
Places also have a meaning to us in in a deeper sense almost so John, where are you from?
New York originally. Yep
Long Island little island water town called Port Washington. Okay, Port Washington.
Did you like where you grew up or not like where you grew up?
Loved it.
Yeah.
Loved it.
And so I bet that if we were to magically drop you back into Port Washington, you would
instantly be filled with positive warm feelings.
Is that a fair thing to say?
Probably except for a few days in middle school.
Right. Well, I'm saying right now. Yeah, I think middle school would not elicit positive
feelings from for most of us. We often talk about the attachments that we form to other
people, right? We develop these kind of secure attachments to our partners, hopefully, our parents, hopefully, where they
become a source of emotional salvation and strength for us, right?
Their mere presence makes us feel better.
Well, what we also know is people develop attachments to places.
And so if you know what places you are positively attached to, maybe it's a place you grew up,
maybe it's green spaces.
Simply being in those spaces can elicit positive feelings.
Now, we can also develop negative attachments to places as well in the same way that we
can develop negative attachments to people.
So I grew up not too far from here in Port Washington, maybe, I
don't know, an hour drive away in Brooklyn, New York. And the neighborhood that I grew
up in was a neighborhood that I never really loved. It was a rough and tumble place with
fights and muggings and things like that. And I was always on guard. If you put me there
now, I would have a negative response. I say this because I think it can be useful to think about what are the places in your
immediate and broader environment that you have those positive attachments to.
If you can like think about what those are really carefully, you could be proactive in
how you visit those spaces when you may be struggling.
So here in Ann Arbor, I could tell you it's the Arboretum, it's the law school quad, it's
Huron Park.
These are places where I go to them, I instantly feel better.
So changing your space is one way that you can leverage your surroundings to help you
achieve the emotional states you want to achieve.
The other thing you can do is if you can't change your space,
which we can't often do for various reasons,
you can modify the space that you are in.
And that's another way that you can shift your emotions.
You can modify your space to activate emotional responses
that you desire.
For example, on the sides of me and flanking the computer, you can't see there are picture
frames all around me.
They're just not back there.
I don't look behind me very often.
There are picture frames of people I love.
And research shows that glancing at those picture frames, that instantly activates thoughts,
memories of those individuals and it
activates positive emotional states that can help repair negative responses. So
I've modified my space to surround myself with cues that are capable of
helping me repair when I'm struggling. Pictures of plants or real plants also
happen with other kinds of positive responses. So those are ways that you can modify your space to activate a desirable response.
You can also modify your space to eliminate the activation of undesirable emotional responses.
And the story that I give somewhat tongue in cheek in the book, but it's true for me,
coming from New York, I don't know if the same is true for you, but my weakness is pizza.
And the colder it is, the better.
And it doesn't matter what my cholesterol looks like or what time of the early morning
it is, if I see that slice in the fridge, it is activating an emotional response that
is going to drive me to consume it.
And then I'm going to feel terrible as a result and
So if we have a party and we have people over and I've got a couple of extra pizza pies and
They go in the fridge one thing I can do to eliminate the likelihood that I'm gonna be tempted and undesirable emotional response
Give the pizza away, Right? Get modified my space
so I'm not actually triggered by it. People who are struggling with addiction
are often told not to visit old haunts because the mere sight of those places
can activate these undesirable responses. So this is a way now of structuring our
physical spaces to help us achieve our regulatory goals.
Yeah, that makes so much sense.
And I imagine that for a lot of folks, even things as simple as lighting and temperature
make a real difference.
I know for me, lighting is actually a huge thing.
If I'm kind of getting a little ornery and cranky and I'm like, oh, wait a minute, the
sunset, it's actually really dark in my studio.
I mean, just turn on the lights, and it's like, oh, wow.
Lighting the world is better.
Light is huge.
Temperature is huge.
And these are also sensory experience.
Right, right.
And so it's all connected.
And my hope with this book is to break these down into bite-sized bits
so that people understand how you can be really strategic in pulling these different shifters
to push you in the directions you want because they can have really positive effects.
Yeah, I mean, no doubt.
Under that same outside in, you also explore relationships and the broader culture
and the impact that this has. And you also drop into, as you wrap up the conversation,
you drop into a conversation around like how can we actually, how can we take the decision
making process out of a lot of these things? So it's like this, these go-tos just become
our go-tos, these shifts and become like the levers that we don't have to take our time
and think and then make happen, but they're just like, this
is what happens.
Like when I feel X, I do Y.
I feel like, you know, if we can get to that place, not with all of them and not with all
of our emotions, but if we can at least start to dip into creating the rituals and the habits
where you just kind of, you don't have to think about it.
You just call them feeling this, like, here are the two things.
It's like that, it takes one major friction point away
and we're so, yeah, like the slightest bit of friction
seems to derail people so easily.
I'm raising my hand right here.
Like, yeah, like it's just,
if you can remove those friction points
and almost like automate the process of like,
this is what I know to do now. It can be transformative.
Well, and we can, you know, so I talk about there are these technologies, these simple steps that we can take
to make a motion regulation automatic and I lay this out in the book, right? You it's called boop like, you know,
there it is, right? It's actually, you know that song?
Of course I do. You're referring to Kevin Udenton's work instead.
Yes, exactly.
I was disheartened because when I,
the song, you know, I was so excited to use that
in a very cheesy way as a subheader in the book,
but the actual song is titled,
Whoomp, with an M, not just whoop.
Kidding.
Yeah, so people often ask me,
do I ever struggle with emotions? You know? I run a lab, I've spent 25
years studying this, I'm an authority in this area. And I usually pause. Of course I sometimes
struggle with my emotions. Sometimes they can get the best me. But here is where I really
excel. And it is a testament to the value both of the tools that I talk about and this issue
of how to make the usage of those tools reflexive, automatic.
I'm really good at the moment I detect an undesirable emotional response brewing and
becoming too big, I know exactly which tools I'm going to go for.
So there are like two or three things I do instantly.
40% of the time, 50% of the time, that's it.
It helps me deal with the situation I'm back on track.
Another 20% of the time,
I've got to layer on a few additional tools.
And, you know, 15% more, a few others.
And then that 5% of the time where like,
I don't know what the hell to do,
but the idea here is I have plans that I activate to help me reach the desirable end states
that I seek to attain.
And more often than not, that helps.
And it turns out like these ways that we know to make a most straight regulation automatic,
these are frameworks that people in many other industries use to be successful.
This is one of the most successful organizations in the world at what they do.
The way they do it is ahead of time, they think about, all right, what's my desired
outcome?
What are the potential obstacles I might encounter?
Now let me come up with plans to address those different potential obstacles.
If this happens, then I'll do this.
If this happens, then I'll do this. If this happens, then I'll do that. If this happens, I do this and it doesn't
work, then I'll do that. You do that enough times you don't have to think
about what to do. If some calamity strikes, you know exactly what to do and
you do it automatically. That is the opportunity that I think exists for
everyone. Makes so much sense.
And by the way, you just walked us through that when you first shared, whoop is actually
an acronym, W-O-P, which is shorthand for wish, outcome, obstacle, plan, which is an
approach that you just swat in the heels to.
And there's also really interesting research around goal achievement with this technique.
And it's like when you actually identify the potential obstacles in advance, you kind of
know.
And oftentimes, they're the internal obstacles, the emotions, the feelings that pop up, the
gremlins.
And you're like, if this happens, this is my plan.
When you do that in advance, it's so much more likely to actually happen and it won't
derail you.
Exactly.
You can feel it and move through it because you know what to do in advance.
You don't have to sit there trying to figure it out when you're then presently dealing
with the emotion itself and how it's affecting you.
Thank you.
I think the final point here I wanted to ask you about, and I think it's probably become
pretty evident here, is that while you list out a whole bunch of different go-tos, like
internal and external shifts that we can all explore, that There's no universal diet of tools here.
There's no universal thing that says, for every person that's feeling this, this is
the thing to do.
That we are all the unique individual beasties and we kind of need to figure our own way
through.
We can look at the toolbox, but we've got to try on all the different things and see
what works for us.
Yeah. I mean, that's we've got to try on like all the different things and see what works for us.
Yeah, I mean, that's exactly the point to end on. There are no one size fits all solutions. And anyone who tells you that there are, you should run the other way, because that is not the way
we work. And the science powerfully demonstrates that that is not true. Lee recently, this paper
accepted, we've been working on it for a while. It summarized the results of these two large studies that we did during
the COVID pandemic, where we basically tracked people for several weeks. It was a nationally
representative study where we looked at how are you feeling, how much anxiety are you
feeling on this day, and what tools did you use to manage the anxiety. We asked people
like 20 different tools. What we found is that there was remarkable variability,
not only between people in the tools that benefited them.
So the three things that worked really good for you
may have been entirely different from the four things
that worked really well for me on a particular day,
but even within the same person over time,
the three things that worked
for me on day one were quite different from the four things that worked for me on day
five. Now, we don't yet know how to prescribe tools to people. You do these six things.
And then when Tammy comes to me and tells me about her circumstances and who she is,
I can prescribe these three things. Where we have gotten is we know what a lot of the tools are.
There are dozens of them.
And we understand how they work.
We've profiled how they work pretty well.
And so the real opportunity that exists for folks, as you just described, is start playing.
Start self-experimenting with these tools
to find the ones that work best for you.
If you find one that works, keep using it.
Layer on another one, see how that helps matters.
The beauty of these tools is that they're not just cheap,
they are free.
I guess you have to maybe subscribe to,
this is a free download, right?
I mean, you could get the book for free from your library,
you gotta find the tools, right?
Minimal costs there.
This is not like taking a powerful medicine
that is loaded with side effects, right?
The cost to trying these are pretty minimal.
So give it a shot.
If it works, keep doing it.
If not, shift to something else.
Love that.
It feels like a great place for us to wrap up as well
with Hum Full Circle. So I'll ask great place for us to wrap up as well. We've come full circle,
so I'll ask it again in this container of Good Life Project. If I offer up the phrase,
to live a good life, what comes up? Purpose, relationships,
contentment. Having purpose and meaning to drive you, having wonderful people to surround yourselves with
that contribute to that purpose,
and being content with what you have
because there's always more that can be attained.
Thank you. also love the conversation we had with Ethan in an earlier episode about overcoming mental
chatter. You'll find a link to that episode in the show notes.
This episode of Good Life Project was produced by executive producers Lindsay Fox and me,
Jonathan Fields. Editing help by Troy Young, Christopher Carter crafted our theme music
and special thanks to Shelly Del Bliss for her research on this episode. And of course,
if you haven't already done so, please go ahead and follow Good Life Project
in your favorite listening app or on YouTube too.
If you found this conversation interesting or valuable
and inspiring, chances are you did
because you're still listening here.
Do me a personal favor, a second favor,
share it with just one person.
I mean, if you want to share it with more, that's awesome too,
but just one person even, then invite them to want to share it with more, that's awesome too, but just one person even.
Then invite them to talk with you about what you've both discovered,
to reconnect and explore ideas that really matter.
Because that's how we all come alive together.
Until next time, I'm Jonathan Fields, signing off for Good Life Project.
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