Good Life Project - Naked and Silent: Asking Is Not Receiving

Episode Date: July 23, 2015

There’s this odd thing that happens the moment after we ask for help.While we’re asking, we stand in a place of surrender. We hit a point, often deeply uncomfortable, where we’re riddled with uncertainty and we step into a place of vulnerability and say, “please, I don’t know where to go from here. Can you give me some help?”We feel great for a moment. And, then those we ask for help do exactly what we wanted. But then, something we never expect happens. They abandon us. Worse, they get angry at us. And, we’re left even more alone and in need than before.What we don’t realize is, they’re not the problem. We are.They didn’t choose to abandon us, we forced them to.We made it impossible for them to help. We asked for guidance, then refused to receive it. And, we don’t even realize we’re doing it.How and why this happens, and what to do about it, is the focus of today’s GLP Riff. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's episode is brought to you by Camp Good Life Project. Now you guys have probably heard me jamming about this for a couple of months now. We literally take over a kids sleepaway camp about 90 minutes outside of New York City for three and a half days at the end of August. And if you're listening to this in real time, that's just about a month from now. So it's coming up really soon. And we bring together an amazing group of entrepreneurs, makers, movers, and shakers,

people who are really just inspired by a shared set of values and beliefs and aspirations. You can work in a huge corporation. You can be a solo artist. It's really about this beautiful community and shared values to create three and a half days of what can only be described as pure magic and intense learning. So if that sounds interesting to you, if you feel like the end of August, that would be a great place for you to be.

And you could really use those three and a half days as a complete mind, body, business, life perspective reset. Go check out the details at goodlifeproject.com slash camp. So what if the only thing standing between you and what you want is you, but you have no idea that that's what's going on. So I'm reminded of a story of young Samson and his mentor and a conversation between them where Samson comes to the mentor and says, you know, I built something incredible and we're working with world-class people and world-class clients and we're the best at what we do and nobody can touch us and I've gotten us here and I'm steering the ship. I'm really smart. I'm working insanely hard and yet we seem to have

stalled. We're not growing. I can't see my own blind spots. I don't know our next move. Can you help me? Can you help us? Please, I'll do anything. And the mentor says, well, that depends. Are you open to receiving? And Samson says, well, I just asked for your help. Of course I anything. And the mentor says, well, that depends. Are you open to receiving? And Samson says, well, I just asked for your help. Of course I am. And the mentor says, well, good, then let's begin. So they begin to work together and months pass. And then they return to a conversation and Samson says to the mentor, I don't understand. Why isn't anything changing? You said you would help, but everything's the same. And I don't understand. And the mentor says, you came to me seeking help and you need it deeply. We both agree with that. I was and am still open to giving it to you. You shared you

were open to receiving it, but your actions belie your words. Your biggest blind spot, it's not the market. It's not resources, ideas, strategies. It's your own unwillingness to be vulnerable. To own the fact that though you've gotten yourself here at this moment in time, you don't know what you're doing or how to move forward. And until this changes, nobody can help you. And Samson's kind of incensed at this point and says, but I asked for your help. How can you tell me that I'm not vulnerable, open to receiving?

And the mentor calmly responds, what you ask for and what you're open to, they're not the same. I've shared ideas. I've brought others into your orbit far smarter and more accomplished than I, willing and able to help you. But every time we talk, you, me, and them, you stop listening and instead talk over us, talk over our ideas and our offers of help, instead of receiving your posture. And it's become so automatic, you have no idea you're doing it. So understand, you don't do this because you're rude, not because you're ignorant, not because you're incapable. You are, in fact, immensely bright and kind and capable.

You do this because what you're being offered is not coming from you. You've been conditioned to believe through no fault of your own that you need to be the one who figures it all out. That if it doesn't come from you, you'll be perceived as weak, as unknowing, as incapable. And this thought destroys you. You need others to feel that you're, you know, quote, on parity with them. So instead of listening and learning and receiving, you talk and you posit and you rebuff, you revert to the illusion of strength and retreat to the blockade of false confidence. You refuse to acknowledge the newness or validity of any proffer from someone who's not you. And in doing so, you push all those who would line up to help you away without even realizing you're doing it. You

punish their arrival by raising your shield, leaving them to bang their heads against an armor that protects you from the very thing you claim to seek. It's incredibly frustrating to be asked for help and then refused a way to give it. So Samson thinks about it and says, so are you saying all those people who've offered to help me over the years but then abandoned me, that actually wasn't about them. It was about me. The mentor says, well, look, I can't speak for all people. But I can tell you this. The people that I gathered to help you, most of whom have, using your words, abandoned you. Yes, they've all shared this reason with me.

When you first came to me, you acted on a moment of deep pain. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable and that led to a temporary openness to receiving help. Yet the moment it arrived, the fact that you needed it and the reality that accepting it would require you to own your own unknowing in the eyes of others, it terrified you. So you shut back down and defaulted to that classic show of bravado. But maybe the most dangerous part is this. You don't actually see it. You're not even aware you're doing it. So you keep asking for help, wondering why nothing changes and why people keep saying they'll help and then walking away from you. Here's the truth. Asking and receiving are two very different things i know this dynamic so well because honestly i have been you i am you and i'm sure i will be you again i'm drawn to create i'm

both burdened and gifted with ego i'm immensely human and sensitive i struggle with my need to feel strong to have all the answers and not be seen by others as lesser. I too have that armor, but I've also learned very much the hard way. There comes a time when you need to stand naked and silent in the room, to not just lower the shields, but keep them down, to own the value and truth of other people's ideas and efforts, to not discount them simply because they're not coming from you, to stand in a place of deep vulnerability,

not as a show of weakness, but a show of strength. Samson thinks, so I need to come clean to the world about where I am then? The mentor says, no, start with a single person or a small group of people who are there for the right reasons, who love you, respect you, and want to help. It's often brutally painful to remain in this raw, exposed place long enough for true change to happen. Yet sometimes, naked and silent is the place where your next better self takes root, and where the thing you most want to grow begins to blossom, or in this case, come back to life. So I ask you again, says the mentor, are you open to receiving,

to standing naked and silent? If so, the real work begins. If not, I wish you well. And I would turn that same set of questions out to you guys as you listen. Are you open to receiving, to standing naked and silent? If so, the real work begins. And if not, of course, I wish you well. Thank you.