Good Life Project - The Tyranny of Always

Episode Date: August 18, 2016

*** Camp GLP Final Call: Come join us next week! *** Why do we hammer ourselves with life-stifling, defeatist absolutes attached to negative expectations all the time? I always get rejected… I always get knocked down… I always lose… I always… I call this the “tyranny of always,” and it is a form of false self-talk that is immensely destructive, […]The post The Tyranny of Always appeared first on Good LifeProject. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Today's Good Life Project riff is called The Tyranny of Always. So how often have you found yourself bundling a negative expectation with the word always? If you're like most people, me included, it's probably far more often than you notice. I'm actually just back from a quick trip that took me from New York City to San Francisco to Portland and then back to New York. And as I was getting on that first plane, I actually caught myself thinking, I always get headaches when I fly. But this time I stopped myself because that's not entirely true. And then I kind of rebutted and reframed the statement. The truth is, while I often do get

headaches when I fly, I don't always get headaches when I fly. And to the extent that I do, it's likely far more under my control than I consider. It's usually because I haven't slept well the night before, or I allow myself to get hungry and dehydrated on a plane. And then I spend a solid chunk of the flight craned over in this horrible posture, staring at a computer screen with the muscles of the back of my neck and my head and my eyes straining. So this time I literally, you know, consciously changed the sentence. And I said to myself, you know what, just stop that. I don't always get headaches when I fly. And to the extent that I do, a good percentage of those are likely self-inflicted. Then when I got on the plane, I spent less time on my computer. When I did,

I used my fancy pants new glasses to give my eyes a break and to lessen the need to strain and lean forward and look down. I put my computer on the tray rather than on the lap so it was higher up, and I drank water and I ate along the way. And because I've taken to now always booking aisle seats, I do that because I know that makes it easier for me to hydrate and I can more easily then get up and use the restroom whenever I need. So what happened? Turns out I was actually okay on the flight. I did in fact get a headache during the week-long travels, but it wasn't when I was flying. And there were probably some fixable reasons for that one too. So this is just a small momentary example though. The truth is we hammer ourselves with these life-stifling defeatist absolutes attached to negative expectations on a much larger scale

all the time. You know, we think to ourselves, why should I go for that job? I always lose out to better people. Why should I start a job? I always lose out to better people. Why should I start a business? I always fail. Why approach that person I'd love to be friends with? I always end up rejected. Why open my heart? I always end up hurt and alone. I get nauseous before speaking. I always get nauseous before speaking. I always get headaches when I fly. I always end up getting taken. I always freeze at exam time. I always come in second. I always get headaches when I fly. I always end up getting taken. I always freeze at exam time. I always come in second. I always get there late. I always get rejected. I always lose. I always, always, always. What I'm getting at here is that the minute we attach always to a negative outcome,

we train our brains to expect that outcome to be the only possible one. We make it as close to inevitable as we can. We begin to see only failure and pain. And even if it's not a conscious decision, we stop doing the hundred little things that would lay the foundation for a different outcome, for the successful outcome. And this wreaks havoc not just on our ability to succeed, but on our ability to live flourishing, engaged, successful lives. So I'm not asking you to wade into that, you know, the pool of delusional optimism here, by the way.

And I'm not saying that you need to eliminate negative thoughts from your mind. They, in fact, have very often great value. There's data in negative thoughts from your mind. They, in fact, have very often great value. There's data and negative thoughts if you choose to mine that data from them. The destructive part of the process, well, it comes when we relentlessly attach a false absolute, like the word always, to the possibility of a negative outcome. And yes, even after we remove that negative expectation of always, it may take a long time for us to actually start to experience the positive outcomes. We may have to work really hard. We may have to change our behavior. We may get knocked

to the ground a hundred times first. We may still struggle. Other people may nail it on the first try while we continue to get taken down. And yes, not seeing that immediate shift right out of the gate, it's not always fun and we may still fail. Effort does not guarantee success, but complacency often does guarantee failure. And the unlock key for effort begins with changing the way we speak to ourselves, with changing the language that we use from language that mandates an always failure scenario to opening the door to the possibility of success. And doing that then opens the door to our willingness to start to do all the little things that would deliver that success. None of this becomes real until we back away from the tyranny of always, until we stop torturing ourselves with these false absolutes until we change always to not yet or maybe never. You know, we'll never do the work

to commute a sentence from far gone loser to possible winner until we change the language that we use to describe the possibility of something better in our own heads. Words matter, even the ones nobody hears but us, especially those. So my invitation is to forget about the tyranny of always. Back away from that word when you're thinking about the possibility of a negative outcome and just own the fact that, yes, there is a possibility that this may happen. But there's also a possibility for astonishing success, for something really good to come out of this, for a different outcome. And then ask yourself, okay, if I believe that a different outcome is possible, how will I bring myself to this scenario, this situation differently in a way that the closer absolute becomes the one attached to success and not failure and pain? So something to think about as we wrap up this week's Good Life Project riff. I'm Jonathan Fields signing off for Good Life Project.

Hey, thanks so much for listening. signing off for Good Life Project. word out. You can actually do that now right from the podcast app on your phone. If you have an iPhone, you just click on the reviews tab and take a few seconds and jam over there. And if you haven't yet subscribed while you're there, then make sure you hit the subscribe button while you're at it. And then you'll be sure to never miss out on any of our incredible guests or conversations or riffs. And for those of you, our awesome community who are on other platforms, any love that you might be able to offer sharing our message would just be so appreciated. Until next time, this is Jonathan Fields signing off for Good Life Project.