Green Light with Chris Long - Freak Show Friday! NFL Trade Match Maker, Baseball Goose & Code Breaks & Ad Men: Jesus Edition.

Episode Date: October 14, 2022

(2:10) - Hello, Layup Line and Chris and Macon Play Match Maker with Some Potential NFL Trade Candidates. (30:17) - Goose on the Field and Talk a Couple Baseball Code Breaks. (38:32) - Ad Men: Jesus Saves Edition. Green Light Spotify Music: https://open.spotify.com/user/951jyryv2nu6l4iqz9p81him9?si=17c560d10ff04a9b Spotify Layup Line: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1olmCMKGMEyWwOKaT1Aah3?si=675d445ddb824c42 Green Light Tube YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/GreenLightTube1 Green Light with Chris Long: Subscribe and enjoy weekly content including podcasts, documentaries, live chats, celebrity interviews and more including hot news items, trending discussions from the NFL, MLB, NHL, NBA, NCAA are just a small part of what we will be sharing with you. https://www.greenlightpodcast.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Download the app, bet big, win bigger. And I got to tell you, I really like the sound of that. And with win bet, it's just that easy. Win bet has what you need to win. So if you're from Arizona, Colorado, Indiana, Louisiana, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Tennessee, or right here in Virginia, sign up today to receive this special offer. New users can take advantage of win bets, bet $50 to win $200. Just bet $50 and win $200 in free bets.

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Tennessee, y'all, too. 1-800-9-9-7-89. Welcome to the Greenlight podcast. Happy Friday, everyone. I hope you have a great weekend lined up out of you. And thanks for kicking it off with today's episode of Greenlight. Today we're going to play a little matchmaker, talk about the goose that landed on the field in the Padres game,

do a little read around the world, and we've got some more admin for you, Jesus edition. You'll enjoy today's show. Don't forget Sunday, we're live streaming. 2.30 Eastern, hop over to the Greenlight channel on YouTube. Greenlight 2. We'll be hanging. y'all enjoy it's a fourth day of the week make

freak show welcome welcome welcome welcome welcome well it's the fifth day of the week fifth day of the week well god Jesus is it God or Jesus we'll be talking about Jesus later rested on the seventh yeah Sunday yeah what's up with that the calendar's at odds making the sixth Saturday the fifth Friday

the fourth Thursday is fourth day of the week Thursday night time machine you're on the board I'm on the board bro I lead two to one. I was rooting for so many different things Thursday night with that, whatever that was, Broncos Colts. You know what fucking sucks about this thing?

That I have to watch these Thursday night games. Like I have to. And I, you know, I joked about this, like being back in the Chow Line tonight, and I will be to watch commies and bears. But like,

about 76% of the reason I'm watching is this. For good reason. For good reason. Have you texted it to Cowboy Reed? Yeah. Why doesn't it read read it? Oh, you want read to read yours.

Yes. Is he going to read my? Okay. All right. Yeah, I like that. Cool. Chris. Comys 2017.

Makin. Commanders 21 Bears 16. Unbelievable. Like actually unreal. I'm actually sitting pretty right now. I don't see how this game gets out of hand. I think it could. You think it could?

Like I almost, last night I was thinking crazy stuff like 20. 816. But we agree, though, the commies win this game, which means, and I've said this two weeks in a row, like I'm not betting the commies again, I'm not betting the commies again, the stinky lines and the whole thing. And then last week,

I threw my frisbee into the wall. They baited me in Dallas. I lost. I stayed away with Tennessee. What a lost. And now we're doing again here, pick them as we talk right now. This is the night that the wide receivers for the commies

go out and they go ham because they're trying to get traded. They want to look good for maybe the Packers or somebody else. For some franchise that's not a poverty franchise as the kids are calling it on the internet these days. And Carson says, oh, the quarterbacks are a problem.

Bam, three touchdowns. Yeah, he plays well. And none of this makes sense. The one advantage that Combs might have is that front, that defensive front. So those guys are trying to get traded to. Ante's sweat, especially playing well. We got the Daniel Snyder, story popping this morning lots of distractions in dc yep it uh it has all the makings of a get less wrong

win get less from you got a hello libby montana and i know who lives here hello dayton shout out you know the person who lives i buy drugs from the person oh nice legal drugs okay in montana i thought you you were you were like oh chris you can't do that no it's a it's an alternative relief in Pulse in Montana, which is near Libby. Shout out to Dayton and his pops. Alternative, what was the second word? Relief. Relief. Relief. Relief. Relief. Relief can cross straight and state lines, like through the mail and stuff?

No, no, no, no, no. You got to be in Montana. Yeah, when I'm up in Montana. Okay. Yeah, I'm up there six weeks. I need somebody. Got it, got it. You know, I have a sister-in-law named Libby. Yeah.

Different spelling, though. This is Libby with a Y. So Libby, Montana. Shout out. Lay-up line. dude i've been on a west african music kick man senegalese music i don't know how to pronounce half of it uh but but check out the the beobob orchestra the orchestra beobob uh the song is i'm not even going to try it's a good name for a song we'll play it in the open and you choose your own adventure with this music because there's a lot of great west african music i mean like I was I was all over the Nigerian rock and roll stuff but but some of this I mean like there's there's there's Afro Cuban music there's there's damn Senegalese music there's Ghani and jazz

I've been I've been on a kick man I'll make a little playlist and we'll drop it on the green light on a green light Spotify account because people were in my mentions last week and they were like yo y'all skip layup line all the time now and we really do so we'll get back to it now I'm would just be assaulting you with like West African jazz and shit you guys want it you got it I love it dude yeah we were grooving to it earlier it's really good

never heard it before worldly in studio Jadae um well titi Po shout out Titi Po Titi Po has a catchy theme song Titi Po is a children's cartoon about trains yeah I watched it for a bit earlier yeah it's a good show

They have a public image but behind the scenes they're freaks This is the freak show, as you just heard. They weren't talking about us. They were talking about the Falwells. There's an Adam McKay directed deal coming out, and it's about Jerry Falwell and his wife,

who I should know her name. Mrs. Falwell Jr. Mrs. Falwell Jr. Remember they went to Miami, and she got plowed by the pool boy. Becky Tilly. Becky Tilly. Oh, not.

and she doesn't carry the Falwell name anymore, eh? Listen, I'm not passing judgment, man. People, you know, however they get down, they get down. But it came to light, and it was a big scandal last year, and it birthed the name of my fantasy football team, which is the Liberty Cucks, and I have no idea what my record is right now. I think you have something of an idea. $500?

Well, what week is it? I don't know. Coming up on week six. So I can't be 500. So you've played five games. Yes. I'm going to say two and three. That's right.

God damn. You got it. Do you think everybody out there would like to maybe know what, what, what my record is? I think it's probably four and one. The houses are five and oh. Yeah. Good for you, man.

Thanks. Thanks, man. Congratulations. Thanks. I can't wait to pass the torch. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Fending champ. All right.

What do we got today, guys? Falwell's in the pool. He's banging. Mrs. Falwell in the pool, she's banging. Cut to the pool boy in the pool. He's banging. Okay. Pool boy is Jesus Christ.

hard cut Jesus Fox A little preview there Hard cut Jesus So we're doing What are we doing Reed? We're doing ad ben with Jesus We're doing a little admin with Jesus We're going to play a little matchmaker

Match maker Match some Carolina Panthers stars To some teams they could be traded to And we've got some news segments From around the world We're going to run through and get your takes on Okay where do you want to go first read Matchmaker

Is what we want to do So Matt Rule obviously fired in Carolina. There are some pretty good players on that team that you would want to see ball elsewhere so they are not bawling in obscurity. Yes. Brian Burns, Christian McCaffrey, DJ Moore, Robbie Anderson, to name a few.

Do you have any trade partners that might link up with a couple of these guys? Well, number one, if I'm David Tepper, I'm not letting Brian Burns leave. I don't know his contract situation, but I feel like you got to hang your hat on something when the new coach arrives, and I think this team can have a defensive identity, and that's a really good tool for a young quarterback

on the other side of the ball. So I wouldn't be trading Brian Burns, but if I would say like Kansas City or something or one of these teams is really trying to contend right now, I mean, maybe L.A. wants to run it back and try to pay what little they have in draft capital for a rusher, as if that's going to turn the thing around in LA, like be my guest.

I think there are cheaper options for those teams actually. So Brian Burns, not on my list. Here's a question, because I thought this was silly when it broke this week. Do the Buffalo Bills need a running back? Yeah, like when I heard that they were going to trade for CMC, well, who said that? I don't know.

Like a lot of times, the fans say it enough, and then like, you know, fans will make any trade happen. But I don't think the Buffalo bills need, need Christian McCaffrey. Now does it make them scary in the passing game even scarier? Like probably and they're starting to find their stride like over the top. But it probably it probably shortens the window if you're gonna release assets to to Nab a Christian McCaffrey. I don't I think you I think you go cheaper. There's cheap like no question if I'm David Tepper if I'm the Panthers if I'm the new coach I'm gonna

move Christian McCaffrey he's what 26 so that's like getting to be scary hours for a lot of running backs anyways and this guy has a lot of injuries right so sell him high when you can where you can I don't know who's going to take a shot at him I think the bills bills are too good offensively to reach like that I think it's more a team that that's pretty good offensively like oh the chiefs they like Pacheco you know they've got Clyde Edwards Hilaire well shoot who was it the other night was it Jerich mckenon yeah McKinnon McKinnon was the most effective they don't need help. Talk me through a couple more teams that might be contenders and could use a running back. You know, the Eagles. How about the Eagles? The Eagles, I think,

need a power back. Honestly, I think David Montgomery is your guy there. And, you know, like, you've got a ton of assets. You could send one over for somebody like that. McAfrey, that, that price is going to be steep. And I think if you're the Eagles, you need somebody who can can bruise a little bit. Playoff Lenny's my guy, but Tampa Bay is throwing a lot of Rashad White out there. If they don't think Leonard Fernette's a three-down-back, a workhorse.

I think I need him, in my opinion. Leonard. Yeah. Yeah, I just, it doesn't seem like they're leaning on him as much because they don't think he can, he can be leaned upon as much. But you go through the 500 teams are better. Buffalo, we've discussed.

The Jets are young at running back. Dolvins, it's work. with Mo Sturt and committee. How about the team that just played the, now they're down a little draft capital, but like how about the Niners and a Christian McCaffrey? Yeah. Jimmy G's best friend, dude.

That's true. He's also a Stanford guy? Love me some Jeff Wilson, but it's certainly an upgrade. Okay, but this is the part where you guys actually have to tell me if it's realistic. I don't think they have the capital to make something like that happen. What type of picks would you have to give up

to get Christian McCaffrey, you think. I'm not good at this. A one and... Yeah. Like a three? I'd say a two, maybe even a one and one. It seems like a lot, but... It's a lot, dude.

Carolina's going to ask a lot for them. Are there some middle tier teams that could really turn into contenders with a Christian McAfree, maybe a New England if they get him up there? I think they're happy at running back. I think... I actually thought, Remandre Stevenson, you know, he's such a hot commodity right now. And I was wondering if Bill would consider shopping him somewhere like a Philly, but probably not to a team that beat him in the Super Bowl a couple years ago.

And like when it comes to Remandre, he's young. So I don't even think he's on the table. Well, when's the last time we saw a carry disparity like last week, remandre had 25 totes compared to four for Damien Harris. And maybe Damien Harris is somebody's. you know, kind of like diamond in the rough here. But I got to figure if you're going to get something out of somebody in the run game, New England's the best place to do it.

It's like a New England to Philly, a little LG, bigger back? Yep. Like that? Yep. Not bad. But, you know. How about a team that doesn't have any trade capital in the Rams? Well, the Rams would immediately jump up.

The Rams need a running back, right? But like, how do they part ways with any capital? And I also think the Rams probably think, oh, last year we splurged, on Von Miller and look how that paid off. I think, you know, I alluded to this earlier. We were talking about Brian Burns. And by the way, we don't know shit about trades. We're just playing like fantasy, like trade talk.

Not fantasy, but yeah, it's not gonna happen on a lot of this stuff. How about Robert Quinn to one of these contending teams that could use another rusher? How about, oh, how about Jerry Hughes to the Rams? Like somebody with less capital, that's not gonna cost you so much, but I really like Jerry Hughes.

Kansas City is a team that would probably think we could use another rusher. They like Carl Loftus, but you can never have enough edge rushers. So how about Robert Quinn there? Robert Quinn to return to LA. And if you're Chicago, it makes a ton of sense to trade them for two reasons. Like one, you get some value back,

hopefully some draft capital back for an older player. Right. And two, you show that you will do right by your older players to like put them in a situation to win when their career is getting towards the end. Yep. And they haven't lost the commies yet, as time of tape.

So they don't know if they're really bad yet. They're kind of in this, like, we're not a great team, but we got to hold out hope. So I don't know that they're going to unload everybody, but I would think Robert Quinn would be on the list. Robbie Anderson, DJ Moore, wide receivers for the, for the Panthers, I think are really interesting trade prospects for teams. Like, you know, if you want somebody that can take the top off the defense,

you go grab Robbie Anderson. If you want somebody that can separate, it's really good all-around player, DJ Moore. as well. In the Annapolis Colts? The Colts? Love Michael Pittman. Other than Michael Pittman,

we don't know who's there except for Alec Pierce. Pierce is really good. But you think Alex Pierce, who we've known for all of one week, and you think third receiver, I think. I feel like if I'm the Colts, well, I'd be Chris Ballard and I would be like trading for my life, right?

Because I don't know, like the clock could strike midnight on him soon. Like, he's been well regarded, but they've kind of come under a little scrutiny as of late. So maybe he is aggressive. And I said for DJ Moore. But the Packers are the ones that are obviously looking at somebody. I wanted to say this, Curtis Samuel as well in Washington is having a good year.

And I think he wanted out last year. You know, Ron Rivera is probably not going to be trading people, but say he gets the acts like today or something as you listen to it or in the next few weeks because it's chaos down there, it seems like. and I love Ron Rivera, I'm not trying to bury the guy. I'm just saying, say things change there, then they might be more aggressive and offloading people like Duran Payne. You know, they just, I think, paid Jonathan Allen last year,

but a Duran Payne could be a guy that could move around. But Curtis Samuel would be a guy that wouldn't cost you too much, and if you're Washington, you don't think too highly of them, right? Even though you paid him, supposedly it hasn't been a great marriage. He's leading the team in receiving right now, so it's a good time to sell him. Yeah, Packers have Lazzard and Dobbs, and then you sort of know what you have with Cobb, but the others, Christian Washington, Marri Rogers. How about the Giants?

Oh, how about Kenny Colladay and his giant contract? And I mean, like, this is one for me that I don't care where he goes. I kind of feel bad for the guy. You know, I know it's his fault. I know he probably didn't play well in the offseason. I also think he was saying the right things at the podium there, like when they were pressing him on not wanting to be there, that sort of thing.

So automatically I'm kind of rooting for him. And then I saw him drop a big ball in prime time against Dallas, like when he got his only snap. So I feel bad for the dude, and I want him to escape. Yeah, there's some wide outs out there for you. If I'm a Giants fan, I'm not wanting to add. It's addition by subtraction if I'm the G-man, even at 4-1. Would either of these guys make sense in Tennessee?

So Tennessee needs an edge rusher, in my opinion. And Jerry Hughes was another guy that I thought of, but he's in division. I don't know how they feel about dumping him in division. Robert Quinn, another guy we keep talking about these kind of older edge rushers on not-so-great teams. How about Cam Hayward, as hard as that would be to do, like maybe he's for sale, you know? Like maybe Cam Hayward for one of these teams that needs help inside that believes they're pretty good. Like Dallas is really good up front.

Adding a Cam Hayward to the interior could be fucking lethal. Minnesota, you know, another team that could probably use a little inside help. Would you go for it if you were those teams? Like give up, let's say, a first round pick for Cam Hayward? I don't think it's going to be a one. I don't know what it would be for Cam at this juncture in his career. Like a two? Two sounds right.

I think if you're the Steelers, you'd be very happy with the two. Depending on the team and knowing my personnel, if I need a dynamic inside guy to pair with, you know, hell on wheels outside like Minnesota has, like, sure, I might consider going for it. But players don't make great GMs, and that's what we're doing right now. What about McCaffrey coming home to Denver

following his father's legacy? If you're Denver, is it worth it to you? Because it doesn't feel like your team is that close. That's not the problem, right? The running back isn't the problem. Well, you had Giovante Williams, who's a hell of a player the first couple weeks of the year, and that didn't make a big difference. I know Christian adds him something outside of the backfield, or out of the backfield, rather.

But if you thought about Russell Wilson in Seattle, that wasn't a huge part of what, you know, the magic he made. I don't think about that as being a position that Russell's necessarily going to take good advantage of. Good stuff. We're going to jump into some news from around the world. we all saw Devante Adams the other night have a unfortunate run in with a photographer it turns out that that photographer is a college kid who is carrying equipment for another photographer

I don't think you know cutting hairs as my friend Chris would say I don't think the young man is officially a photographer at this stage in the game as you said, I think he's an equipment carrying student. Right. He had a big rigs with him. Photographer, just carrying rigs.

Carrying rigs. Yep. What's your take? Because I haven't heard your take on this all week. I know you're going to ask us, but you've actually had to carry equipment around and shit. You've worked for a college before. I don't know.

I'm just thinking about being a younger guy, like hustling around. Like, do you think this kid, do you think this kid's in the wrong at all? Should he be more considered? is all Devante. I think that, I mean, you can say, oh, you have to pay attention.

You have to, you know, you're down on the field. You have, when you're carrying this stuff and doing this stuff, you have to look at your surroundings. And that's fair. But I totally think that he, you know, filing the police, the police report is over the line. Like, yeah, you got in some guy's way, he reacted poorly. Yep. You say sorry and move on.

Yep. you know like and I mean worse you're fine right I don't think he has any injuries oh he's not hurt and to be honest well that's what he went to the hospital you think he has a concussion he his law firm uh his his his lawyer see dan curry with brown and curry law firm don't besmirch brown and curry law firm out of Kansas city Missouri uh he said um what happened was egregiously on sportsman like in an act of violence that should not be excused by the NFL, all legal options being evaluated. Where in the hell does it say concussion? I don't know. I would say that statement is egregious in nature. Like he walked in front of him, got a couple hands like he was playing

two hand touch. Randy Johnson. And he had a rig on him so he fell easier. Randy Johnson would have stayed up. Like, and that's kind of where I stand on this is like you didn't have to fall down. It was Devante Adams was wrong. He was wrong. But the fall. Well, I think they were both surprised by each other. I think it was a legitimate fall, but I don't know that. The pressing charges things.

It's over the top. It's predictable. It's over the top. You know, like we've seen players kick cameramen before like Dennis Robben kicked a cameraman. We've seen run-ins with field staff and players. But, you know, it's just that's Devante's area. I mean, like he's leaving the field.

Just pay more. attention. Devante's dead wrong and, uh, and move on after the fact because nobody got hurt unless, well, the student went to the hospital, which in its own right is a bit ridiculous, complaining of whiplash, a headache and possible minor concussion according to KCPD. I mean, my man just saw dollar signs when he was looking up. No question. No question. And listen, Devante's wrong. That was an asshole moment by a guy who has a, a lot of goodwill. Like his character has been,

I mean, like they, I saw a flick of him in 2016 running over a guy on the sideline and he helped him up and put his hat on him. You know, I think he's mostly, uh, been just a,

a great dude. So I, I don't know. This was just an out of character moment. He was upset. And the guy walked right into him. The only, the only place he got in trouble was extending his arms.

That's it. And, and I, I just think like he, among us who has not evaded simple assault like cast the first stone so I'm not casting any stones

dude give me a stone I've never been in a fight now if this were murder I watched TV would not be premeditated because Devante's surprised by the cat you're right you're right he's totally surprised by him you can see you can see it the angle from behind him as opposed to the one from the side

showed you that he was he wasn't looking at the guy and neither was the guy Well, the guy actually was kind of looking at him. That's what people on the internet are saying. He kind of saw Devante coming and kept walking. I got a question. Yeah. Did this kid run a stop sign and get T-boned by a Mercedes?

No. That's kind of what it is. He ran the stop sign. Yeah, you're right. The car's coming. Hit him. He ran the stop sign. Then the people in the Mercedes got out and shoved him on the ground.

They just kept going. They just kept going. But you're right. No, I'm with you. Like, it's a bad moment for Devante. It shouldn't be much. The people saying he should be charged, do any of those people actually think he should do jail time? No.

So, so like what are we actually talking about? It was an aggravated accident. What are we talking about here? It's kind of like the thing in Russia where those guys will like walk in front of traffic on purpose to like launch a lawsuit. That's why they have dash cams. Devante Adams needs a dash cam like Russian cars, dude. That's what it is. Yeah.

It's a type of blackmail called Podstava. the guy's post-staving Devante Adams. And by the way, I would highly suggest going down a rabbit hole of Russian cabs. Have you ever done this? Cabs? Like YouTube Russian cab driver dash cams? Oh, the things that happen over there are insane. Yeah.

Hey, I got a question. Hey, hold on. We've seen three angles of the Devante Adams show. If it's an NFL game, is everyone well with security, I reckon. But is everything being filmed from several different angles at all times? Yes, mostly. You can't get away with anything. You can't.

No, no. What about, what about in real life? Because I'm, I'm, I don't know this. I worry about surveillance a lot. Yeah. It was more when I was doing crimes in my, in my younger years. Are we just all, we're all being watched all times? I mean, I know our devices are.

I think that's a safe assumption. Okay. That's a same bet. Truman. Right. Jim Carrey. because everyone has a ring camera now. You know, you fall on the street.

Yeah, you do something in the street. They got you. Maybe in your car. The only place you can really get away from it is in like a dressing room or a bathroom. If you want to push the fuck out of a camera man, take them in the bathroom. Okay, but I got a theory that some creeps are putting cameras in there too. Yeah, but it's not protected by law. Can't do that.

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Just go to Indeed.com slash greenlight. Indeed.com slash greenlight. Terms and conditions apply. Cost for application pricing, not available for everyone. Need to hire? you need indeed. There was a goose on the field last night in San Diego, yeah?

And not the kind of geese that I'm used to seeing. I mean, I don't know what kind of geese they got out there, but they're exotic. Like, they got some exotic geese in San Diego. This was kind of a gray goose. Oh! Yeah. Camberry vodka's.

Yeah. The rap song. Yeah. This isn't your kind of a, yeah you know the beaks all yeah like fleshy colored yeah they put it in a fucking trash can yeah what was that about i don't know i don't know how you feel being a goose one minute you're in a fucking lagoon the next minute you're you're getting fondled by six groundskeepers and thrown into a also fuck that city planning like that's the one nice big field of green that that goose has

available to it yeah you're right i kind of get it yeah do you think that goose thinks that it stuck the landing, or do you think it fucked up the landing? Because he hit and kind of skid. Here's what's crazy to me. These animals don't know they're famous. Like they have no idea. They're out there.

Like squirrel was run around in the Philly Stadium. He was up on the net. He was fucking hot dogging. The Giants black cat. The Giants black cat has no idea that Kevin Harlan, you know, like he's one of the most famous black cats of all time. Think about that.

I mean, just by crawling out of a fucking hole, under MetLife. And by the way, that was a Jets thing, wasn't it? Didn't the Jets or was it a curse of the Giants actually? Giants. Was it Giants? Yeah, as soon as the cat came out, they started playing bad. Yeah, Odell hopped on a boat.

It was all. Oh, that was way back with the boat? No. I don't know. Everybody in St. Louis always talks about the rally squirrel from 2000. Well, and there's a monkey. Yeah? Angels?

Yeah. Yeah. Is that part of the show, though? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. But the Padres did win the game. So perhaps this is a galvanizing goose. Well, last night, I photoshop the fuck out of some goose gossage on that goose's neck. And I forgot that goose actually played for the Padres. I put a Yankees goose gossage.

Silly me on the goose's head. You silly goose. Yeah, exactly. I had no idea who that was. And I was like, huh, it's probably funny. Yeah. Goosexage. The guy with the spitballs. And then you did the back to back and you left up the Yankees one. That's a good move.

That's a good move. When I worked through my jokes on the internet, leave it all up there. Just work through it. Just work shopping out here. Authentic. You people deleting your tweets. Yeah. I wish there was an edit button that I could edit.

Wasn't there? Isn't there? Yeah, but not for like memes. You know? Put the right head on that. that goose. Can I tell you about, can I get about out of Hollow Man? There's a pitcher. I think he's a pitcher, yeah, for the, for the, for the, uh, the, the Astros. And, uh, he was facing his, his little brother, uh, and his brother got a hit off him in like the, the, it was last week.

And he broke his hand on a locker, punching a locker, which is absolutely like, you want to read the worst headline of all time here. I have it right here. Astros pitcher Phil Matten broke his finger punching a locker after allowing a hit to his little brother. out of playoffs is probably the worst headline ever I mean that's got like if you can come out on the other side of that one you frame that headline

and I want to add him to a list an elite list I want to remind you that Steve sparks a pitcher in the early 90s I forget who he pitched for he got inspired by a motivational speaker and tried to rip a phone book in half and dislocated his shoulder

spent the whole fucking year in AAA ball so he's number one for me John Smolz is number two this might be an urban legend but I heard that he tried to iron his shirt while he was wearing his shirt

just standing in front of a fucking mirror ironing your very pants I was returning yes dude so John Smoltz number two and then I want to put Phil Matt in number three the most embarrassing baseball injuries of all time is younger brother Nick is a Philly

is he really Yeah. Not an everyday player, but he's on the 40 man. Is that a 25 man now? Is that how they do it in the playoffs? 26 man. How could we forget? What's the Blue Jays record?

Blue Jays are zero and zero looking ahead of the next year. How about that? Made the playoffs, though. I guess you gave out a hollow man. Here's a code break. The Guardian's hitting coach, Chris Valika. Yeah, I don't know how the first. fuck to say it. He should take his wife's

his wife's his wife's made name after just wait. So he's going to miss game three against the Yankees because he's getting married in Oregon. Yeah, he should have to plan to marry his wedding during the

MLB season. First off congratulations to that man. It is a code break. You don't plan your wedding for the postseason because how about guys getting invites to the wedding and looking at the date like he really doesn't believe in us? Like, he's the opposite of Brandon Staley.

Like, really doesn't believe in us. When he comes back, you know, the coaches, they wear, like, the uniforms, which I think is always funny in baseball, the managers and shit and the pitching coaches. He should have his wife's maiden name on the back of that thing. This is a huge code break. And it shows that he has no confidence in the Guardians. Game is postponed Thursday night. So now he might be missing two games.

Oh, my God, dude. Fireball offense. How awkward is that? Is anybody commented on this? Is he going to like... They had already set the date of the wedding before he became a coach in Major League Baseball. Stop with these long engagements.

You want to get married? Go get married. Never mind. It's just really unfortunate. But also pretty selfish to not move the wedding. As soon as you take the job, you got to change the date. Few months run up. How long are you engaged?

Me? Like a year. Me? Me? like a year standard shit you know yeah you get engaged you wait a while make sure you guys like really do like each other no we would not six month engagements yeah i'm with you on that i'm actually all for like going to the courthouse that's what i did and more or less yeah went to my parents what are where are her parents what's my in-laws living room yeah

the last big thing before the pandemic yeah that. Also, I got a message from a guy. Henry Armistead, sorry to docks you. If your buddy's listening, he's a complete shitbag. Henry says, Henry says he got his buddy tickets for the playoffs,

Dodgers game, and the guy sold him. I think you want to know if that's a code break. I would say so. I would say that's like the worst thing I've ever heard, dude. Yeah. It's terrible. So sorry, Henry. I mean, your former friend got you tickets for the playoff.

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And in Michigan, 1-800-2707-1-17. Tennessee, y'all 2. 1-8009-9-9-7-89. We'll jump around the world some more. There was a report that there's a $100 million advertising campaign. it's been launched for Jesus

with TV ads designed to reach out to a younger generation with us being admin let's hear your best Jesus ads Let's go Jesus Do you want to start? I don't know how many got Like are you feeling how are you feeling

I'm throwing as many of them at the wall as I can Quality or quantity If you're both A little bit of both Why don't you go first Am I going to have to read yours As per custom? I'd like you to read some of them.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. We're talking baseball. Jesus takes the mound. He's mowing guys down. Slider, strike.

Basketball, strike. Oh. Change up. Strike. Hard cut. MLB postseason on Fox. Jesus saves. Oh.

He's a closer. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great. Okay, good. Did you think about maybe making it the ninth inning and no, that was part of the punchline?

Well, Like the video is going to be of people being like, yeah, and like arms raised. Like it was a big strikeout. They'll get the idea. You know, baseball fans. They know their stuff. That's good. Hi, I'm Adam and this is Steve.

And we just got married because fuck the haters. Hard cut. Jesus Christ. Gay marriage. Yeah. So let's talk through it. Okay. You know.

Just came at me fast. I was still on the diamond with Jesus. Some backwards folks will say it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Oh, got it, got it, got it. It's 2002, year of our Lord. It's very clever. Yeah, it's the name. Got it.

And God and Jesus created this mankind, yeah. Um, human kind, uh, where eventually we figured out that everybody should be happy. Got one. Got one. A woman grimaces as she motions to her stomach. She takes a deep breath. She's irritable.

Her husband approaches her and attempts, attempts intimacy. she denies him she reaches in her purse and you can hear her tear the plastic wrapping off of something cut to moses supine inside of a tampon tube the tampon accelerates into a tunnel hard cut tampacks that's a thinking man's joke right there oh menstruation yeah you're thinking about mount sinai or the servant on the mount you're thinking about ten commandments i I'm thinking about respectfully. I got it. Serious thing.

That's good. Yeah. I like that. That's good. He parted the Red Sea. No, I think it didn't even need to be explained. I think that was really good.

That's really good. I even put tampon in the fucking ad. Everybody in the focus group actually, they got it. They were like, oh, doing a period commercial. I especially like the part where Moses is lying supine. Yeah, he's laying down. He's not moving around.

No, he's just, he's ready for, he's like, I've done this before. Yeah. He's smaller in this ad. It's a mini, it's a mini Moses. CGI Moses. Mini Moses, like mini mall. A woman is scrolling through a dating app. She's frustrated by the pictures of men who are mostly balding, ugly, and fat.

She swipes right on a guy who seems decent. hard cut to her cringing as he shows off his basketball card collection the next weekend she's swiping past pictures of ugly men she closes the app in frustration after receiving another terrible dick pick and questions her faith that she will ever find someone hard cut she's scrolling and stops on a page with the name j c he's got olive skin and beautiful long hair she likes his profile and they make plans for a date

okay one last supper before i give up forever she said hard cut to a nice restaurant Jesus has on a beautiful dinner flannel the wine the wine is flowing like water and he whispers in her ear as she giggles she grabs his hand to rush out from the restaurant as the camera pans to the generous tip christ left the wait staff hard cut we're in her bedroom the headboard is rocking she pops up and the camera shows her bare back oh god oh god oh god she shudders hard cut to her saying I had a revelation. Why match with a man when you can come with God? Hard cut to the girl chatting happily with her friends. I had heard he was crucified, but I swear he was hung. Is this the Old Testament?

I mean, good God. I'm so glad I tried J-Date. Now that's funny. That's funny. Okay. It's like a past. at a Catholic wedding. That's the shorter of my two.

Where to begin? So is, is, uh, J date's a terrific punchline, first of all. That'll get you thinking again. I heard he was, I heard he was crucible. Okay. All right.

Jesus was dead for last time. Just modes of death joke, I guess. All right. Only minimally problematic. Okay. Are we? No, I think that works. It's just, are we going to get canceled?

It's like a mini series that you get canceled, but we're probably going to get canceled. Scott Norwood. He's, uh, he's lining up a 47 yard. Field goal attempt, eight seconds left to go. It's Super Bowl 25. Bills are down 2019 to the Giants. Snapback, ball down. Kick is up and it's good.

Bills win the Super Bowl. all right bears trailing the eagles 16 15 10 seconds left to go in the nfc wild card game cody parky from 43 yards out doink doing and then bears win the game okay advanced in the playoffs one more for you Blair walsh 27-yard field goal viking's trailing the seahawks 10-9 chip shot goes in bikes move on All right? Mm-hmm. You hear all these calls.

All these famous misfield goals, they go in. All right, now we zoom in to the ball, soaring through the uprights. You see a little kid holding a sign, John 316. Mm-hmm. You see the man from the street corner who's playing the guitar.

Right. He's at the game holding the sign. It says, John 316. Okay. see the lady who works at the local mini mall she's at the ballgame holding the sign right between the uprights it says john 316 yeah well it's just kind of gone

slow fade you know Jesus Christ is that like upcoming movie Jesus Christ like the smile Jesus in your life Jesus is is answering your prayers I think I'm keeping the kicking game on the sideline here. Now listen, a lot of missed field goals, ruin a lot of lies. Yeah.

Everybody knows what Scott Norwood is. Yes. We need more. There were not enough. John 316 signs. John 316 is that everyone knows. It says, it says God. Yeah, but the Browns missed their field goal last week.

And there was a John 316 right next to the upright. It wasn't inside the upright. I got to be inside the upright. I hope everybody in the commercial was inside the upright. Everybody was inside the upright. Jesus. Okay. Can you read this one? This one here? Please. I don't want you to be looking at the other ones. You can trust me if you want. There you go. It's highlighted for you. Macon plays Jesus. So like I'm Jesus? Yeah. Okay. You're the actor.

Making Jesus emerges from the grave. Grove? It says grove. I was in a rush. Is it supposed to be grave? Grave. Okay. Making, I didn't know if we were in Oxford, Mississippi or something. Making Jesus emerges from the grave. He's confused. The sunlight is blinding. He covers his eyes disoriented.

A crowd approaches. He's alive. Oh my God. He's alive. Making Jesus realizes he's alive. Ah, fuck. Heart cut, snickers. Not going anywhere for a while.

Oh, I was going to say you're not yourself when you're alive. No, you wanted to be dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were trapped being alive. I didn't finish that one. Yeah, no, that was good. That's good. I get it.

It's good. I get it. Jesus and his smoking hot wife are dressed up as Stevie Nix and Mick Fleetwood at a Halloween party. Everyone is having fun drinking and dancing, but Jesus shakes his head and disappointment when he sees someone dressed as him. Hard cut. Jesus is in the living room, enjoying a good book with his son playing video games in the next room. Jesus pops up when he hears his son.

son say, Screw you, Virgin! Jesus rips his son's headphones off and tells his son to never use that insult again. Jesus sits down and exhales in frustration. Hard cut. Snow is falling on a moonlit street with Christmas decorations everywhere. Jesus is pulling up to the airport to pick up his mother. She turns on the radio and every station is playing Christmas music.

I guess you think you're a big deal because everyone is talking about your birthday, she says as Jesus rolls his eyes. hard cut it's the morning after christmas and jesus took the whole family out at a fancy brunch boxing day jesus is getting annoyed as people keep falling to their knees nearby an onlooker shouts oh my god the virgin mary and jesus's son screams hey fuck you asshole that's my grandma jesus slinks down in his chair hard cut to jesus smoking a blunt in his car and his face fills with a smile Jesus is just all right with me comes on in the background

and a narrator says weed maps because even Jesus needs a little inspiration okay so the church has a lot of money they can buy a lot of ad space so this shouldn't be a problem the church can pay for like three minutes

during the Super Bowl and I like this one not a lot but I like it was Jesus's kid immaculately conceived yeah because Or, I thought I was being stupid.

Well, so he told his son not to use that word virgin. I got that. So then when somebody says it to his grandma, his son is pissed. Right. It's always a good sign when you're explaining. Jesus is his son.

But was Jesus, but did Jesus? No, Jesus fucks. Okay, that's right. That's a good callback. Yeah. Does he?

Yeah. Yeah. Really? Well, there's your ad right there. Jesus fucks. Was, That was my first ad.

That was my first ad. No, that's what I'm saying. There's your ad right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is it you? Yeah, this will be a quick one.

Okay. New York Giants, Devenson, Lyman just causing havoc, you know? Hi, I'm Jihad Ward. Everybody be easy. That's the end of the ad. Because Jihad means holy war and we're doing I think jihad ward would be

a good advocate for world peace which Jesus wanted all of these religions out there everybody be easy hi I'm jihad ward everybody be easy oh okay bang Carl Chaffers on the field all right

jihad ward gets into the backfield okay Got, he's got, he's got Derek Carr in his sights. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Sacks him, but lays him down gently.

Yeah. On the grass. Yeah. Hi, I'm Jihad Ward. Everybody be easy. Because jihad is holy war. And we'd probably be in a better spot without all these holy wars. Yeah, that's true.

Probably with no wars. We'd be in the best spot. This is a Chris Longhead. Yep. directed by Chris Long Yes produced Jesus looks down upon Kansas City Missouri the crowd is raucous

He descends onto the 50 yard line And walks toward midfield He puts his hand on the shoulders of the head official As he begins to speak Jesus is laid out by Nick Bolton As security rushes him off the field He watches as Carl Chephyrs

catches a football and puts it into play That motherfucker can see Hard cut Lenscrafters Yeah that's a rough joke That's good We both had Carl, Carl Chaffer's material. Because he was coming down to help Carl Chaffers.

He was like, after that call, he must can't see. That's good. All right. Picture Jesus. He's in heaven. He's throwing the football. It's just darts. He's hitting all the targets.

Seven yard outs. Mm-hmm. 17-yard outs. Bang eights. Bang eights. Jesus is just on fire, all right? Then we cut to the Denver Broncos facility.

There's TVs on in the cafeteria. Your favorite NFL newsbreaker pops onto the screen. This just in. The Denver Broncos have sent a conditional fifth round draft pick to heaven for Jesus Christ. Jesus is expected to travel with the team to Los Angeles this weekend. Hard cut. Jesus.

When a wing in a prayer is better than whatever the hell that is, y'all are putting on the field. Okay. Fucking Denver. So this is really good. And I also just realized that we're doing ads for Jesus, not companies, terrestrial companies, employing Jesus is. Right.

We're trying to get to the kids saying, hey, Jesus. Yeah. It's all right with us. I'm trying to make money. Yeah. Did you choose Los Angeles because of the angels? No, because they're playing the children. chargers this weekend. I was just on Monday night. I was just trying to be topical.

All right. Jesus sits on his couch watching. This one's not that good. Jesus sits on his couch watching college football. His phone rings. Hey man, want to try this new Tappas place? Let's get the gang together. Dudes are leaving the city tomorrow. Jesus looks at his watch back at the game. I don't know, Judas. I think I'm staying in. Hard cut. Grubhub. Ah, yeah. Yeah. That is good. That's good.

Yeah. So Jesus just would have lived a long life. Yeah. All our sins we'd be burning at hell. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Mostly, I know. Yeah.

Yeah, it's long story. Genesis 126. That's the title of my ad. We'll get to Genesis 126. All right. Are you locked in here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

A bird goes bathroom onto a guy, right? A jellyfish stings a woman in the ocean. A spider bites a kid, if you can imagine. I can't. Genesis 126. Then God said, let us make mankind in our image and our likeness so that they may rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky over the livestock

and all the wild animals and over all the creatures that move along the ground. So God created mankind in his own image. and the image of God he created them. Male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, be fruitful and increase in number. Fill the earth and subdue it.

Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground, all right? Cut to the guy with the bird poop. Yeah. The gal with the jellyfish sting. The kid with the spider bite who were supposed to rule over the birds and the fish

and every creature that moved along the earth. Yeah. These human beings say, better come correct. Jesus? I don't know that that's fully formed yet. I don't. And then you were

kind of typing while I was talking a little bit. And I started laughing. That's, it made it, it really made it better. Mike Lindel turns off his lamp and lowers his head onto his my pillow. You know who Mike Lindel is? Yeah. Don't we say Lindell or do we know?

Whatever the fuck his name is. Okay. Cut to Lindell in the morning. He rubs his eyes. One eye is very irritated. He tries to wash it out in the sink. He drives to work. Cut to the bedroom.

Jesus farts super hard on Mike Lindell's pillow. Jesus winks. Hard cut. Not your pillow anymore. Ah, Jesus. That's good. Yeah. Now that I know, we could write them just because. His pillow, capital H.

Capital H. His pillow. Yeah. That was good. I don't know if this is any good. I need you to read this one. A bearded man in sandals and a white robe walks through a field toward a road. He is fair-skinned and slender. There are people walking behind him.

He stares a tablet as he approaches a road. He stares a tablet. He stares at a tablet. He stares at a tablet as he approaches a road. A car pulls up. Mr. Leto, the driver asks. Jesus? Jared Leto replies.

The driver nods. Sorry, I got held up leaving the show. Jared says to the Middle Eastern man as he enters the Uber. I forgive you. Hard cut. Uber. Jesus was not white. Yeah, no.

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That's CUTSclothing.com slash greenlight. This one's not bad. Okay. I'm empty in the clip. We're here. Jesus sits in his office. Sandals kicked up on his fancy dusk. Cut to tense locker room.

Cowboys players on bent knee. Micah Parsons prays for a sack tonight. Cooper Rush prays for a strong run game and no drops. Dak Prescott prays for Cooper Rush to throw three interceptions. The shot pans into AT&T Stadium where thousands pray. LeBron James prays. McConnor, Hey,

praise. Panda Jerry Jones, hands clasped. Please bring us a Super Bowl. Cut to Jesus. Mary Mad, can you hold my calls? Jesus slips on his headphones and closes his eyes.

My sweet Lord by George Harrison plays, hard cut, Bose, noise-canceling headphones. Ha! Yeah. He's not listening. Your fucking prayers.

That's good. You've been one of Super Bowl in years. Highest prayer per capita. stadium in the history of sports. That's awesome. Yeah. Really like the voice of the, of the, they all had access.

The prayers up. Yeah, they all had access. That was good. That was good. Yeah. Hey, as I've been doodling here for the last few seconds. Thinking about having Jeff Bridges do the voiceovers. I've,

I've realized that Jesus, if you, if you, if you really look at the letters a little bit. Yeah. It's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, Suss. Like, yikes. I mean, for all the doubters

out there, that's something to hang your hat on. G. Suss. Scene opens to a forest. The owner of this Apple watch has taken a hard fall and is not responding to their watch.

The emergency location is latitude 47.7. Longitude, the dispatch operator interrupts. I know, he told me. Cut to ominous ocean drone shot. 911, what's your emergency? I'm on my paddleboard

and a hard wind is pushing me out to sea. Please hurry. Can you save me? I already have. Hard cut. Apple Watch. Jesus for Apple Watch. He's already saved him. And think about it. He knows exactly where the motherfucker in the forest is.

My favorite part was that the longitude or the latitude only went to like one decimal point. usually it's like 22 yeah well aren't you just fucking bear grills over there so a bunch of roaming guys I'm not I don't go that far back with my history okay they're trying to put somebody up on a cross it's not it's not okay it's wrong okay uh they're like anybody got any nails and the other roman guys like nah I don't have any nails left somebody tosses them some tape 3M.

Hard cut 3M. You don't like that one? 3M crucified Jesus? No, he just was up there and then in that alternate in that alternate cut and that director's cut, he lives. He's just like, fuck man, I'm taped up here. This tape is amazing.

I hear this is the stuff they're going to put the the spaceships together with. You know, they always say that. When somebody gives you some 3M, they're like we can't use that, can't we? No, that's terrific. He doesn't get like it's a like, yeah. Yeah, no, it's a happy one.

Like does somebody then let him down eventually? Yeah, eventually. That runs wild card weekend, Super Bowl weekend. You know, like, I don't know. Oh, a scissor company. Yeah, like an easy lift. Yeah. Got an easy lift.

You're like, fuck, how long have you been up here? Yeah. It's like a little while, how the Giants do, you know? Yeah. Stair car. really want them to beat the cowboys okay another one guys having a hard time building something in his living room he's hammering little pieces into a table ow fuck i hit my hand oh he's he's trying to drill something into the base of the table oh jesus christ at your service

starts building the shit for him hard cut jesus for ikea he was a carpenter yeah it's easy work for him yeah i was thinking about in ikea yeah yeah Jesus gets out of his car. He's got on his yoga pants, goes towards the studio, looks at the sign, it says, Ponchus Pilates.

Oh. And Jesus goes, fuck that and walks away. Hard cut. Yoga's not necessary. Is Pilates problematic? Well, Pontius pilot killed Jesus.

No, got it. Yeah, you're right. no yeah oh i see what you're saying like Pilates yeah yeah potentially yeah all right um jesus stuck in the cave he's like oh i wonder how i'm gonna get out of here my dad told me i can't use special powers then he pulls out his piquard 761 edge full steel geologist hammer and hits the rock in half it's hard cut picard Hammers. That's the hippiest Jesus hat I've ever heard.

Reed, that's amazing. Oh my God. That's good. That's really good. That ad runs in like Utah. Oh, got one.

Okay. Guy sitting there in his living room, uh, talking to his wife. Another gal walks in. He starts looking at her, uh, starts kind of like,

you know, like hitting on her a little bit. He's flirtation. Jesus zaps down and he's like what the fuck is going on down here you heard what Moses said and the guys the guy's like oh no that's my wife too hard cut Church of Latter-day Saints nobody did a fucking you know guy goes to the supermarket there's uh Heinz ketchup oh it's 799. Some guy with a beard that works in the adaptogen section of Whole Foods comes up and is like,

you know, they got this 365 brand that's actually a little bit cheaper and healthier. Oh, saves $3. Basically, Jesus saves. You know, like he helps you save money. Right. I couldn't think of what, you know, what people save money on outside of that. But Jesus, watch and ball. Gino Smith toiling around.

Not playing a very good ball. This guy stinks, said Jesus. Hard cut. Gino Smith beats the Broncos on opening night. Jesus wrote me off. I ain't right back. Yeah, that's where you needed to go. That's where you needed to go.

Cowboy Reed. Finally, your thoughts on the passing of Angela Lansberry. Yeah, rest in peace. It's a tough one, you know? it's all love you know i'm sure she's uh tough one i'm sure that she is starring in her next production on the other side yeah yeah you know back in the like 60s her daughter was getting involved with charles manson and she was so concerned about the situation that she took her kids and move back to England. Stop it.

Charles Manson was convincing her daughter to steal stuff from her house. That woman had great instincts. Yep. On that show, too. Murder she wrote. Yeah. Which has a comma in it. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Take care. Hope you enjoyed the Jesus jokes because that's Freak Show Friday.