Green Light with Chris Long - Mailbag! Kirk Cousins, Josh Allen vs Patrick Mahomes and Defending Zyn

Episode Date: January 24, 2024

Chris Long delivers an epic mailbag episode, complete with his favorite landing spots for Kirk Cousins, his take on Josh Allen vs Patrick Mahomes, his defense of Zyn as it is being zeroed in on by Chuck Schumer, his list of teams he would've played for and MORE! (00:00) - Intro (4:45) - Chris Defends Zyn from Senator Chuck Schumer (10:57) - Chris' Favorite Teams for Kirk Cousins (21:30) - Impact of Josh Allen vs Patrick Mahomes (41:42) - Comparing specific actors to football players (55:20) - Teams Chris was interested in playing for during his NFL career Make sure to check out Fax and the King every Wednesday on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@FaxAndTheKing Have some interesting takes, some codebreaks or just want to talk to the Green Light Crew? We want to hear from you. Call into the Green Light Hotline and give us your hottest takes, your biggest gripes and general thoughts. Day and night, this hotline is open. Green Light Hotline: ‪[phone]‬ Send any Talent Search submissions to: [e-mail] Include any video of your talents, takes and bits as well as a little bit about yourself. Love hearing from the Green Light fans. Also, check out our paddling partners at Appomattox River Company to get your canoes, kayaks and paddleboards so you're set to hit the river this summer. https://paddleva.com/ Green Light Spotify Music: https://open.spotify.com/user/951jyryv2nu6l4iqz9p81him9?si=17c560d10ff04a9b Spotify Layup Line: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1olmCMKGMEyWwOKaT1Aah3?si=675d445ddb824c42 Green Light Tube YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/GreenLightTube1 Green Light with Chris Long: Subscribe and enjoy weekly content including podcasts, documentaries, live chats, celebrity interviews and more including hot news items, trending discussions from the NFL, MLB, NHL, NBA, NCAA are just a small part of what we will be sharing with you. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Some kids born in 1995, has no idea who Patrick Mahomes is, has big dreams of being the best quarterback of all time, does everything they possibly can to be that quarterback. Every camp, they knock it out of the park, and then Patrick Mahomes gets traded up for, and he might be the best to ever do it. And you're like, well, fuck. I guess I can't be very good because I can't beat this guy every time. It's going to take a few tries. Could have happened the other night. Josh Allen played really well. Patrick Mahomes is just that fucking good.

And the Chiefs are just that good. Welcome to the Greenlight podcast. Thank you for tuning in today. Chris is on the run. He had a big day. So we recorded a special mailbag episode. Thanks to you all for sending in those great mailbag questions. We answered a few starting things off.

Chris has a little bit of a grievance against Senator Chuck Schumer. Chuck goes after Zinn, as I'm sure you heard, one of the staples here at Studio J. So we talk about the merits of Zen and what it hasn't made us do. And then we talk a little football. Josh Allen and how playing Patrick Mahomes might affect his legacy. We talk Kirk Cousins' landing spots for next season where he might play, teams that Chris likes Kirk to play for. And then Chris matches a couple actors, a couple random actors,

to football players. That's right. We get after Paul Rudd, Will Farrell, Jack Nicholson, a couple others. And then to end, Chris details a few teams that he would have liked to play. play for over his career and why a fun little mailbag for you all thank you for tuning in we have a good time hey listen this is one of those shows i don't have a lot of time to prepare between the live show monday the ride up to philly all the work calls i got to get done i just get behind it sometimes i got to tell you sometimes i don't feel like doing a podcast i have fought that urge right now i'm

not trying to make it seem like I'm a fucking truck driver. I don't do something really actually hard for a living. I'm just a podcaster. So I'm not looking for sympathy. But sometimes I just don't have it between there were only four games this weekend. What do you want me to do? Read a bunch of articles about coaches and tell you what I read. I just don't have it in me today, you know?

So what you're going to get is you're going to get a mailbag pod. You certainly don't have to like it. That's not what I'm saying. But what I am saying is like cut me some slack every once in a while. I just, you know, I'm like, I'm worn out. And I got home tonight, super late. We had a charity event in Philly after you had inside the NFL. And one thing I miss about this show, as it's gotten more popular or whatever you want to say,

or like we strive to put out more football content is there's less time for you and me to just catch up. You know, just bullshit. I used to do this all the time. I used to just get on the mic and go. And the show's changed in a really good way where we're, We have a lot of people in the show. But now I get at this home studio, some nights where I don't feel like doing it, I'm just going to cut the mic on and answer your questions instead of trying to make something up.

That's what this podcast is about. It's about your questions. We're going to do some mailbags, a couple football questions and then some like off the wall shit. So if you get to the back half of this podcast, just know, like, I'm not trying to give you the sports reporters today. like this is this is uh this is more grandma's boy or something like that it's just a fucking it's a disaster okay it's a great film yeah but i mean like you know i'm just likening to the intellect of the people in the movie grandma's boy the people on sports reporters they were they were they were real sports reporters i used to watch them in the in the early aughts as making would say

wake up in the morning before I had hangovers. Life was so simple, you know? Dopamine. You get the dopamine hit from the sports reporters. Now I've got to throw a Zen in and you've got to hit the porch and that sort of thing. It was so simple back in the day. All right. Speaking of Zen, this is one topic I want to get into before we get to the mailbag.

So Chuck Schumer's making a big deal about all these Zen pillows. And I got three of them in right now. They're menthols. their sixes and I'm about to do a podcast good enough that Chuck Schumer should probably put the podcasts in the library of fucking Congress. And I'm doing it on three pillows here. I'm doing it on three Zins. I'm kind of joking, obviously, Zen nicotine in general for me is a bit of a performance

enhancer, okay? Like it is what I can't drink coffee. I don't do caffeine. You know, caffeine's a drug. Where are we cracking down on caffeine? Okay. But Chuck Schumer wants to pick on the. little pillows, right?

This is the Chuck Schumer when I got on Chuck Schumer dot Senate dot something else. And so what he was up to lately, I think it was January 22nd. I saw Chuck Schumer was pushing through an approval through the F-A-T-T-T-B, which is the dumbest acronym of all time. It's the Federal Alcohol, Tobacco Tax Trade Bureau, something to that effect. Is that true, Matt? Alcohol and tobacco tax and trade bureau. Holy shit. Now, I just did that with three sixes in my mouth.

If I can remember that, maybe it is a performance enhancer. But he just pushed something through the FAA triple TB, Chuck Schumer did. He approved 15,000 barrels of bourbon through the FATTT, T, B. And he's talking about Zen. And I almost think the Zen thing is a diversion tactic. So nobody's like, why is Chuck Schumer trying to kill us with all the hard liquor? You know, like he's taking it to Zen because it's marketable to kids and that sort of thing.

I haven't seen a bunch of commercials that market to kids. And I'm sure somebody will lecture me on why they found a Zen in their kids' pocket or in their, like, listen, I'll tell you, it's better than dipping Codyac. in high school uh i wouldn't suggest it for any high school kid i you know like my kid if i catch him with uh you know like when my dad found me with a a tin of kodiak you know what i what i got that thing flew at me like 95 miles an hour from the top of the steps you know like it was like dodging a randy johnson he was like what the fuck is this you know um and i don't blame him i'd be the same way because you're supposed to scare your kids straight

when he's messing with something and he shouldn't be messing with before he's 18. But this is an adult thing. You know, it's an adult thing. And Chuck is all about the booze. He's all about the booze. But I'll tell you what these little pillows have never done for me. I've never done a zen

and woke up in a puddle of my own urine. I've never done a zen and dipped into my kids college, at 1 a.m. You know, at the end of a rough night of gambling, I've never threw in a couple pillows and, and, and,

uh, and been influenced to pick the wrong sexual partner. Like I know a lot of you people at home have done. You single life people. You know what's going to happen because of the 15,000 bottles of bourbon? A bunch of people are, are going to regret bump and uglies because of that stuff. I've never had that happen to me with Zen.

Uh, I've never had, like, I've never woke up in jail after I took a Zinn. Like, oh, fuck, what was that charge on my credit card? Must threw in some Zins last night. I've never, like, texted my boss at 1 a.m. Drunk because of a Zinn. Oh, fuck, I drove my car into your living room. I just had gotten some Zin chills at the store.

and you know i was on the ride home and joined some zen chills so that's why my car's in your living room that's never happened okay i've never not gotten it up because i took too much zen you know like that's these are i've also never truly danced like no one was watching because i had a zen in either but but you get the point you know like chuck there's bigger fish to fry than then than us guys that like some pillows. And you're coming after the little sixes and the threes, but you're pushing, you're pushing 15,000 barrels of bourbon through the FAA-TB.

Now, what gives, Chuck? What gives is all I'm saying? Guys just trying to get a little focus and clarity at 2 a.m. doing a podcast by way of a nicotine delivery mechanism. And you're shouting us down. Chuck, I don't know if we disagree on everything. I don't know what we agree on, what we don't agree on, but we disagree on this thing squarely.

Okay, and I know a lot of people are making noise about this. I just wanted to throw my hat in the ring. Okay, so here's the mailbag. And again, I want to apologize about the quality of this show. Listen, like, you do this long enough. I'm not complaining. I'm not saying I'm out here digging ditches. But, you know, like I don't like the sound of my voice.

I'm tired. I've done enough on these two games that happened this weekend. There's only so much you can do right now before you dip into the previews. So we're going to talk about something that has nothing to do with anything. We're going to talk about what you want to talk about. And I hope to do more of these mailbag type pods. Because I do miss kind of just getting on the microphone talking to you guys. So thanks for bearing with me for those of you who actually listen to the pod.

I wanted to be consistent and put something out. So here it is. It's a mailbag pod. Okay. And maybe the first question was Kirk Cousin's destination. Some people were asking about the Kirk Cousins destination. Well, we went through a couple scenarios. And I think you can divide them into two categories, cap feasible and cap difficult.

okay because like obviously although the salary cap can be manipulated like a mug in today's NFL you still got to you still got to work it out and some of these destinations that I really like there's some work to be done and some of these destinations that I don't like so much people are like penciling them in there like one of them I don't like is Minnesota you know like he's been great there honestly he has but it's boring to me. I want to see a shakeup. I want to see Kirk somewhere else. And I want to see O'Connell with somebody else. Like, I want to see them turn the page and start planning for the future, whether that's keeping Kirk in and having him for a year as the bridge guy. I don't know if he'd do another one-year deal

type thing. He'd be great for a guy in the locker room and the meeting room, you know, and he could take the pressure off that guy early. You look around that division, these other teams, are starting over, right? Whether it's Caleb Williams, whether it's Justin Fields, he's a lot younger, whether it's Jordan Love, like, you know, you don't want to be the team that's replacing a veteran

quarterback in a couple years. You know, unless you think that he's the guy that can win you a Super Bowl right now, and I'm not, who's to say he couldn't, you know, other than like past performance, and I don't mean that in the disparaging way. I just mean there's nothing yet that's telling me that I feel like they're a favorite

it if Kirk Cousins comes back. They're frisky. They're dangerous. I think they got a hell of a coach. I think they could play for the division, depending on what they do. They got to resign certain guys, right? You know, Justin Jefferson's contract's coming up.

Hunter's contracts coming up. So there are issues, but this is like, this is the most realistic outcome relative to all the other ones. look at like the way Vegas sets the odds, the Vikings are the odds on favorite. So this could be a whole lot of nothing. It could be just me filling my mailbag pod with something to talk about. Boy, isn't it fun to imagine quarterbacks and other uniforms. That's like one of my favorite things. I love seeing players change teams. And most times veteran quarterbacks changing teams in free agency, it's not like a viable way to build. But I do think when you look around there,

this year there are some teams that could use a kirk cousins i think there's some unique situations you know like the irony of payton manning cashing in on super bowl in denver is by the time he did read and correct me if i'm wrong you know he wasn't the same guy you watch all the broncos games i mean they're their their their fucking historic offensive year was the year they got they got curbstomp by the seahawks so you know sometimes just having the veteran presence in the room having that's having that guy, you know, he doesn't have to be Tom Brady in Tampa. And by the way, Tom Brady and Tampa was not Tom Brady in New England. So I think sometimes, you know, there's a case against bringing in a veteran quarterback if you think that's the last piece. But there's also a case for it.

And, you know, like, I don't think Kirk Cousins and his skill levels wildly dissimilar from a 2015 Peyton Manning, except for he's better. And maybe he doesn't have what Peyton has. between the ears, but he's physically off in Achilles. If he can get that thing right, he's still got some good football in him. That Super Bowl year when Peyton won, a lot of people were calling for Brock Osweiler to start because Peyton was throwing so many picks and the offense was looking so shitty. Brock had like one to two games that he looked kind of decent, but Payton obviously led him to the Super Bowl after that.

But you're right, having someone in that spot who at least knows what they're doing is a huge jump for the entire team. Yeah, just having an adult in the room, a guy who's been there before who's won, like, objectively, Kirk Cousins, he's not going to dominate these conversations we're having about Burrow, Allen, Lamar, and obviously the gold standard Mahomes and anybody in that echelon. Like, we don't talk about him that way, but I respect what he's done as a winner and as a teammate and as a quarterback. Like, legitimately, I think in the beginning, people hated Kirk Cousins because he wore a lot of plaid. I'm just being honest. And I think like he kind of came across is kind of corny to some people.

I'm not saying he is, but people make easy targets of certain quarterbacks. And, you know, like it's almost like in this day and age, how memeable you are is directly correlated to how short the leash is on our reaction to your performance. I mean, it's like the Russell Wilson thing. We turned on him. And then we want to turn back and,

and jump in his corner with, with, uh, Peyton and, but we fucking, we made a lot of fun of that guy. Uh, Kirk Cousins is playing,

I, but I digress. Kirk Cousins is still playing good football if he's healthy. I look at certain teams. I look at the commanders. They are cap feasible, but if you're the commanders, you're probably thinking about a rookie quarterback.

Also, if Bienemy is the coach, because here I have my notes like McLaren, Dodson, possibly Bienemy, uh, defense is kind of just, man, as we saw late in the year. It's hard to imagine Bianemi calling, uh, calling, um, Kirk Cousins a motherfucker to his face.

And Kirk, like taking that well, he just seems like on an index of quarterbacks who would take the word motherfucker to their face. Well, I'm not saying I've heard Bianemi call somebody a motherfucker, but that's kind of his rep. And I got no problem with it. All right. I like that stuff. Okay, you can call me a motherfucker.

Motherfucker can be a term of endearment. don't forget that, Matt, you would not like Eric B. enemy. You were like Kirk Cousins in the staff meeting. You called us some hardworking motherfuckers. That's what Kirk would say. You called me a stupid. That's what Kirk would say.

Eric, you called me a stupid motherfucker or something like that. The Pats have written down here to have to be a godfather offer. That's what Nolan says. said and I agree. All right. The Raiders, uh, I could see it, sure, but I also think they're going to draft somebody and I really like Daniels there. I think that could be a lot of fun. Atlanta, I actually like this as a destination for Kirk Cousas. You look around the, the division. A retread just won that division. Okay. You know, it's like, uh, the division of, of found items of like you know retreads of opportunity it's the land of opportunity it's not the

freedom caucus it's the it's the rehabilitation caucus it is a bunch of he's got a bunch of toys down there that he could play with yeah a lot of untapped potential a bunch of untapped potential all you got to do is be better than ridder and people are going to be like all right good so the bar isn't high and i don't mean this like again i'm going to talk to the falcons fans and a little bit about that and some other things. But, you know, like, I don't think you're following greatness, all right? So it's not tough in that respect. I think you have weapons.

They aren't a similar cap situation to the Vikings. Like, right? It's kind of the same thing. So, I mean, you know, I like Atlanta. They're like plus 600. I think the odds were. I don't know, take that for what you will. Cap, cap, cap, uh, cap difficult.

I would, I would say Steelers, but I like it. I like the Steelers idea a lot. Like I really do. Cowboys was an interesting one that somebody put on this list. I think the bigger problem is like, where does that go? Because you got to move DAC first. I think Miami is a name that keeps coming up or a city that keeps coming up. The dolphins, I know how good this team is.

And that's what's confounding to me. And through the last couple years, when you sense frustration in my voice and it sounds personal or whatever you want to make it. There's two sides to it. Number one, I hate being right and being told I'm wrong. And number two, the team is fucking really good. And I think you've got a really dynamic scheme and you've got some great players

and I hate to see them not cash in on this window. I think your Kirk Cousins could help them. They got cap-spaced issues. Part of that, you know, 23-mill in the books with Tua. Like, I don't know. Like, we were going through it earlier. Where would you trade Tua to give him another opportunity somewhere? maybe somebody else wants another look i i'm not being i don't know how long that list is and so like

i don't think you get necessarily cap relief there there are some guys you can cut there i'm not going to name any names but there are guys you can cut there um it's just not something i like to do is play like monopoly money with people who might actually get cut not this early in the in the off season um so cowboys are interesting dolphins are interesting dolphins are kind of my dark horsey team i also think like look at everything dolphins have been able to accomplish and they don't move the pocket they aren't capable of moving the pocket not traditionally kirk cousins that old plaid wearing motherfucking can run sideways with the best of them he really can and um and i think again going back to my point about paid manning or tom brady and these are different guys but like let's say

some teams that came up short with a veteran quarterback and didn't get the ultimate prize i'm sure there's some teams somewhere down the line that was like, hey, we're satisfied with the run we got out of this guy because it's an improvement just by having an adult in the room. And I don't mean, you know, I'm not calling previous quarterbacks in any of these locations, you know, children or anything. What I am saying is that Kirk Cousins is a respective veteran in this league.

And he's played at a high level. He's played in the playoffs. He's won a playoff game. Not an easy thing to do. And that leads me to my next point. Josh Allen. Okay. Listen, man.

I'm tiptoeing around how I want to frame this because I don't want anybody to think I'm talking out of school about a teammate who I've actually already talked to about this. But bottom line is like, I'm not being fake because the first thing I did when I walked in the hotel last night, I love Ryan Clark. I think he's a great guy. And I think he's really good at his job. and he's the reason I have a job at inside the NFL, and he's a lot of fucking fun to work with. But I think part of being like, if me and Ryan are going to work together for a long time,

which I hope we do, because we talk all the time like we're going to work together for a long time. You got to be cool enough with your buddies to be like, yo, I did not get what you said. You know, like, I just didn't agree with what he said about Josh Allen. I like, and somebody out there saying, surprise, surprise, you know, like, well, I don't know what, I don't know what that. would mean but I just didn't agree when I walked in and ran into RC at the at the soda machine

basically last night in Philly I'm like what are you doing that way he's like what are you doing and like I'm checking in I'm like giving him the hold on one sec because he's about to go back to the elevator I don't want to go into production meeting tomorrow I just think it's more it's better just to be like hey are we going to argue tomorrow about Josh Allen you know like or where where we add on this thing? So I'm walking the elevator. I'm bugging rye. I'm like, hey, I'm like, that Josh Allen thing, huh?

I was like, just what's the take? Because that's what I'm, that, like, anyone who has kind of that to say about a quarterback after, because I'm not going to put any words in Ryan's mouth. You can go look at it. But I know what he did say was, I acknowledge Josh is great. I'm paraphrasing here. I think he's awesome. There's very few people that can do the things he does with the football on his hand.

To me, that's just where the conversation should end. I know Ryan kind of went on a bit of a deal about Josh and Dan Orlovsky, who's his boy, and they've worked together a long time. So him and Dan are tight. And Dan's like, Dan's incredulous because Dan's like number one Josh Allen fanboy. And I don't agree with people that I've seen on TV that are like, I'd take Josh Allen over Patrick Mahomes. Who said that today was Sean O'Hara or something. And that's where I think we're getting into a thing where we're like married to a take, right?

And I think what's interesting about Josh's and other quarterbacks in general, we're all married to our takes. Okay, so I, like, if you have a visceral reaction to Josh Allen, maybe at some point you didn't think he would make it. You know, I have a visceral reaction sometimes to a two a game. To be honest in this business, it's not vindictive. it's not personal. It's just because you can't stand hearing people say these things for so long. And you've got to just sit there and be like, yeah, you're right. And fuck, I got to bite my tongue.

I'm a hater. I'm this, I'm that. And in this scenario, doing what we do, sometimes the hardest thing can be feeling like you're right. It's actually harder to feel like you're right sometimes in silence. And I think for Ryan, most people are consuming that rant. saying he doesn't like

Josh Allen, he doesn't think he's a good player. I didn't take that away because I actually listened as if it was a transcript, I like listen and then when we talked in the hallway immediately I knew kind of what he was trying to say and I think

Ryan is one of those guys that was tired of hearing about Josh being elevated to Patrick's level. This tired of hearing about Josh being talked about is an all-time great. And I don't think that's a straw man. I do think there are people making those statements. I also happen to believe that if Josh Allen finishes his career the way I think he'll finish his career, he could be talked about as one of

the all-time grades. I think he's that good. And I think Ryan thinks he's that good too, but I think what Ryan wants to see is improve it. And that's where that reaction, I think, came from without speaking for him. But it was a really interesting thing where, and it lets you into like being in the media sometimes. I said to Rye, go, I feel like I'm watching the take, and I feel like you're, you're yelling at somebody offset. And it's not Josh. It's whoever had to take about Josh, right?

And I also think there's something really fair about this because he brought up Lamar. I don't think it's right the way people have analyzed Lamar since he got in the league. I've made no secret about that. And I know Ravens fans think for some reason I hate you or something, even though I couldn't be any more complimentary about your quarterback of your team. You probably have the best roster in the league and you've got the MVP at quarterback. Okay. It's fucking awesome to watch Roquam play.

It's awesome to watch Harbaugh coach. There's nothing about your team I don't like. If I had to think about something about your team I don't like, it's the fucking castle print on the side of your, the stands. Like, that's it. Like, I don't really like the Maryland logo, so I'm not a big fan of like a crest for a logo and that sort of shit. But I got no problem with the Ravens.

Purple pants, black top, not crazy about that combination. I got nothing against the Ravens. I think Lamar Jackson's fucking sensational. I've been defending Lamar Jackson for the better part of five years or however long he's been in the league. Reid, we've been doing this podcast from the start.

I don't think I've ever turned on that guy. Because to me, the question is, can your quarterback get you in the fucking bowl? Can your quarterback win you a bowl? Okay? And with Lamar Jackson, the answer is yes. Whether he wins that game Sunday or not. And the answer's been yes.

As bad as he's played at times in the playoffs, because I know what's in there. And I know what's in there before Greg Roman leaves the building, right? And you know what the upside is of bringing somebody else in because you know nuance and you know context matters for quarterbacks. And you also know that like sometimes guys, it takes a while to win that big one. And I got to be honest,

Lamar hasn't won that big playoff game yet. Josh hasn't won that big playoff game yet. And Ryan brought up Lamar, and the reason I'm bringing up Lamar is this, because Ryan brought him up. I think that a lot of people, like myself, thought that Lamar's treatment by the media at large and by a lot of fans was unfair

in the wake of a lot of these losses and after a lot of these years. and I think Josh has looked at as a guy who skates, right? Even though there's a lot of fucking people that hate Josh Allen too. And that's the way most of this thing goes. None of it's a straw, man. You can find an example to whatever you're trying to push back against,

if that makes sense. You know, if I'm a Josh Allen Stan, I could find a bunch of Josh Allen doubters. I could find a bunch of negativity about Josh. If I'm a Lamar fan, I can do the same for him. But doing that to Josh Allen, and I'm not saying that's what Ryan's doing,

but anybody who wants to shit on Josh Allen as a reaction to Lamar's poor treatment or somebody else's poor treatment, you're just doing the same thing. And so like it doesn't justify it. It wouldn't justify it on Monday to me to get up and make it about anything other than if Lamar loses that game.

What are we doing this off-season? and take the next step and build around that quarterback and run it back. Because football isn't a thing where you design things on your team. You design your roster. You design your schemes. And you say it's going to prove out the way it's supposed to prove it. It doesn't happen in a vacuum. There are teams that should win the Super Bowl that lose the Super Bowl.

There are quarterbacks that were good enough to win a game that lose games. There are quarterbacks that play great who lose playoff games. There are quarterbacks like Brock Purdy who play. who play like dog shit for 48 minutes and then make three to four throws and win playoff games. Okay. So QB wins isn't a stat to me. You know, I think context matters. It's the ultimate team sport.

And there's only a couple guys who we judge differently than everybody else. And guess what? I include Josh in that category. So when the season ends for Josh that way, here's how I look at it. can you win a Super Bowl because of this guy if the answer is yes like a questionnaire at the doctors then scroll the fuck down scroll down to free agency well the second question would be did this guy fuck the playoff game up is he the reason you lost did he do things that would would would give you a chance to win how many other quarterbacks are picking up 27 first downs on that defense this

year. I'll tell you the answer. It's just one. How many quarterbacks are running for that many yards? Again, maybe the other guys coming up this week. But you're talking about two of a kind, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson. And I just don't think looking at Lamar's failures and the absolute bullshit that he, he got a lot of bullshit but his treatment doesn't justify looking at Josh Allen after a game like that and I'm not saying that's what Ryan's doing you know the reason I'm naming Ryan is so you don't think this is a sneak this or a subliminal that's my buddy we talked about it last night as friends would and I was like what the fuck I just disagree what's the take and I still think anybody would to take that there's anything that the bill should do differently at quarterback

um and that's your takeaway from that game I think I don't think you're watching the game you know are there things he could have done better sure there's a couple things he missed he missed an opportunity people bring up the Shakir throw that he missed chris jones is on his foot okay at first i'm thinking hey find a way i think you got the exact look he wanted there's people to say why why not dump it down why not go underneath the same people are complaining about his average depth the target through the whole game then he drops three bombs by the way one of the bombs the surefield is drifted and right so tyler back is fucking exonerated here in my book, 65-yard piss missile that Josh Allen throws with his arm

and the ball is moving two to three yards. But Sherfield's got to track that and catch it. Diggs has got to catch that ball. And, you know, when Chris Jones is out on the edge and he gets, Dawkins gets pulled back into you, I can't really hold that throw against him. And I can't hold making it against him because you know who he's playing? Patrick Mahomes, who we really, that's who we should be talking about. That's how I want to do my job. I want to talk about Patrick Mahomes and why he won the game.

You know, because all this other stuff, how many times Josh Allen be in the Super Bowl if he played in the NFC? I don't think the number is zero. So, I mean, like, it's not a perfect metric. Appearances in the Super Bowl, you know, they're not all the same. Otherwise, we'd be saying,

yeah, Jimmy G, he's just a better quarterback back in Josh Allen. You know, and you find me somebody who thinks that, and I'll find you somebody who got into my stash, okay? So that's the point is like, this stuff all happens in context. We should be talking about Patrick Mahomes. The way I look at it is this, okay? Wild animals, bear with me, as Dan Campbell would say, bear with me as it pertains to the ocean, bear with me as it pertains to the animal kingdom. Okay, there are apex predators in the, animal kingdom you know who they are they're the biggest fish you see the chart a bunch of fish one fish is eating the other fish for every fucking great white shark there's an orca but there's only

one orca okay there's a there's a group of apex predators in different regions of the nfl you know apex predator in africa is a lion apex predator in the north pole is a fucking there's more than one on the planet it's a fucking polar bear the point i'm making and bear with me as it pertaining to the animal kingdom here, fellas, is that if I watch a fucking Cape Buffalo and a lion fight to the death,

and the lion wins, I'm not walking away and being like fucking Cape Buffalo's soft. And the Cape Buffalo is not even an apex predator. I think Josh Allen's an apex predator. I think he's that good. But the difference between Josh Allen and Patrick Mahomes, Josh Allen's an apex predator,

Patrick Mahomes is a key. Keystone species and an apex predator. You know what that means? The keystone species is a species that changes the game for the whole ecosystem. That's what Patrick Mahomes is. He has defined the era. He has changed the game for everybody else trying to do whatever it is they're trying to do out in this NFL ecosystem. I know some people are like, this is some time is a flat circle.

shit but you get what i'm saying patrick mohomes is different i'm not going to look down on other apex predators okay that polar bears none the scoff at a cape buffalo although not an apex predator to make the point i'm making earlier you watch a lion and a buffalo fight to death nobody's walking away and be like a buffalo is a punk that's not that's not my takeaway my take away is holy shit did you see that lion and that cape buffalo that buffalo was goering the lion and the lion still found a way to kill that 700 pound fucking thing that's responsible for as many deaths as the uh the african lion on the continent if you didn't know that so that's the point josh allen's the cape buffalo in this scenario i'm not going to walk away and make the lead

that the Cape Buffalo wasn't strong enough. Holy shit, I just watched Patrick Mahomes and Josh Allen. Could the Cape Buffalo kill the lion? Any day. Any day. They just met three times in the postseason, and it hasn't happened yet. And in both of the last two times, Patrick Mahomes got the ball last, and it had nothing to do with Josh Allen.

Okay? So if you want to nitpick about Josh Allen and all that stuff, I'm totally there for but don't do it because other people got unfair treatment. That's just not how I want to do it. And so it's easy to say, hey, Chris, well, you know, I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to somebody else. But why are you even talking to those people? You know, I'm just looking at two great quarterbacks.

Holy shit, dude. One of them is the Keystone species. That's the difference. Changes the environment for every quarterback living. every quarterback born from 1995 to 2010, their life's going to be affected by Patrick Mahomes. Some kids born in 1995 has no idea who Patrick Mahomes is, has big dreams of being the best quarterback of all the time,

does everything they possibly can to be that quarterback. Every camp, they knock it out of the park, and then Patrick Mahomes gets traded up for, and he might be the best to ever do it. And you're like, well, fuck. I guess I can't be very good because I can't beat this guy every time. It's going to take a few tries. Could have happened the other night.

Josh Allen played really well. Patrick Mahomes is just that fucking good. And the chiefs are just that good. And I also think when you talk about context, we don't talk about this enough. It's almost like playing in two different conferences. Okay. When you think about it,

when you try to control for the performance of two quarterbacks in one game who are playing completely two different conferences, two totally different defenses. The chiefs are top three defense, and they had damn near everybody healthy. Willie Gay left the game. Edwards left the game. But that defense is in like, they're in fighting shape. And the bill's defense is decimated.

So I'm not making excuses for Josh Allen, but what I am saying is I don't walk out of that game and think, don't change a fucking thing. Just reload if you can. Now, the cap situation is all messed up. And this is what happens. Windows close on teams, but for quarterbacks like Josh Allen, they do not close. Okay, so this iteration of the bills might change because of the gap situation. But anybody looking at that scenario and being like, yeah, you know what, maybe we should do something else. Like, you got into my stash.

And that ain't what somebody like Ryan Clark's saying. What Ryan Clark's saying is, just don't talk about them like Mahomes. And I agree. But I don't think anybody in their right minds really, talking about anybody in the NFL like Mahomes last time we did that we did with Joe Burrow mom's when I won a fucking Super Bowl like two months later is it over for for Patrick mohams are the Bengals the new chiefs winning one being in one doesn't make you the new chiefs beating Patrick Mahomes once doesn't even make you new Patrick Mahomes you got to do it for a

long time so I'm not going to scoff at any apex predators. Whatever you're looking forward to this football season, there's one thing that pairs well with every great moment, and that is an ice cold Miller Light. Whether you're at the stadium, playing fantasy football, or watching the game at home, or at the bar, Miller Light is here to make your football season taste like Miller Time. From kickoff to the clock runs out. You can't go wrong with the Miller Light in your hand. It's the only light beer with the taste worthy of our national obsession because what's the point of having beer if it doesn't taste like beer i go to dirty nellies every weekend sometimes i'm prepping for the show at the bar on saturday night watching low college

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pickup. So grab some friends and enjoy a few slices during the game. Put some in the fridge. I like cold pizza. All right. mailback question was who are these actors as NFL players this is uh from Josh kuchner kutch dog that's a great question and I encourage y'all to ask this question again with different actors I would love to do this again this is a lot of fun okay uh the the actors

so Matt you have a second to think about it Jack Nicholson Bruce Willis Paul Rudd and Will Ferrell Who do you think I had the hardest time casting? No, that was easy. I'll start there. Okay, by the way, I know what you're thinking, six cents. You know, I just wanted to throw this out there. Sam Darnold's actually Haley Joel Osmond because he sees dead people. It's the ghost thing, right?

So just as a sidebar, I think Sam Darnold is Haley Joel Osmond. But then Haley Joel Osmond grows up and plays some great roles that I'm not, they're not coming to mind right now but that'll be san francisco in a year um okay so bruce willis is the actor in question um universally loved right stop me when you disagree but universally loved universally respected even more so after his career right um he's funny he's got warmth and humor that's why they gave him the john mclean role because he actually was like a little bit funny and could kind of keep things light. They wanted a meathead, but one that could like, kind of bring the temperature down in the room. And I think that's what makes them great.

This guy had a great run, late 80s into the 90s, never won an Oscar. And that's why I don't watch the Oscars. Because people like Bruce Willis don't win Oscars, okay? But I do watch the AFC playoffs and I do watch Super Bowls. And I do watch Die Hard. I watched all five of them. There was a guy in the late 80s. 1988, Die Hard comes out, starts a great run for Bruce Willis. 1988, there was a certain team in the NFL that won six divisional championships in a row.

And that team is the Buffalo Bills. Now, there were five installments of Die Hard. there were four installments of the Super Bowl for Buffalo, four falls, right? And obviously, diehard is a much more enjoyable experience. Well, I don't know that a fucking, for John McLean, diehard's very fun at all. You're getting the shit kicked out of you by a bunch of Japanese businessmen. Isn't that what happens in one of them? And then it's the Germans, another one.

It's like just a bunch of people from different continents want to fuck you up. And then your only friend's a guy who thinks you're a race. the first time he meets and that's samuel l jackson isn't it if in diehard with with a vengeance he thought he thought that uh he thought that uh bruce willis was like some flaming racist when he first met him okay but here's where it gets weird here's where it's it gets really weird you're ready for this people don't give jim kelly enough credit for his run in the usFL it's like not enough people saw it not enough people talk about it not enough people talk about bruce willis's performance in Unbreakable.

Great film. I think Bruce Willis is Jim Kelly. Yes. I think Bruce Willis is Jim Kelly. I think Bruce Willis is Jim Kelly, one of the most revered, respected quarterbacks of all time, maybe not talked about as one of the greatest. But action-packed, the offense was called K-gun, Bruce Willis, definitely had some guns in his movies.

And I just want to throw this out there while we're doing quarterbacks. ass but I think I think Philip Rivers is Clint Eastwood. Clint Eastwood has eight kids. Also he's a gunslinger. That's literally what Philip Rivers is. I also think about a lot of Clint Eastwood's movies as being and I know don't get mad at me older guy, but I think a lot of them are the same movie. Okay. You've seen one of them cowboy movies. You've seen them all. Okay. If you've seen Philip Rivers in a 4 p.m. spot losing tragically in the fourth quarter, you've seen them all. But, Both gunslingers both have a lot of kids. He's got to become a coach now because Clint was an actor and then became a director.

And you know what? He's probably already fucking coaching. So he's got a lot of kids coaching his kid. Yeah, he's coaching his family. Had I? I was going to say Rich Gannon for Bruce Willis. Like the bald version of Rich Gannon, Moore just kind of looks like him. Talented, talented guy.

But you're just casting guys. A little bit. Okay, if Bruce Willis had to play a quarterback, I like, I like Bruce Willis as Jeff Garcia. I like Bruce Willis as Josh Dobbs. I like Bruce Willis as, as Brian Hoyer later in his career. How many bald quarterbacks can you name?

I like Bruce Willis as either of the Hasselback brothers. Okay. All right. Let's talk about Jack Nix. Nicholson, because this is an easy one too for me. It wasn't clear in the beginning, but once I wrote it out, okay, the guy smoked 155 joints on the set of Easy Rider. You know, he was like kind of a method actor, like for real. He was so crazy he'd get his brain to like neutral is the way he described it. You know, it's something I can't even comprehend doing this. Like he was on the set of the shining,

scaring the shit out of people between takes. Like, whipping an axe around. saying axe murderer and shit like that like there's people like getting cups of coffee and this guy's like off the deep end speaking of my favorite jack movie one flew over the cuckoo's nest which i just watched in the last couple years but this guy was uh he was literally living in a mental institution at that time for for you know method acting purposes he's crazy he likes to be crazy he also is known for dark-themed portrayals of neurotic characters. This is Lawrence Taylor. Is he not Lawrence Taylor?

I mean, nobody gets into the character of being an NFL player like Lawrence Taylor, and it's method acting. One of the best ever, Jack, one of the best ever, stupid talented, stupid great, stupid accomplished. Same thing with Lawrence Taylor. Just gold standard. so i like and a great actor himself

any given sunday he was method acting yeah right i was thinking joe nameth for jack nicholson like just kind of like casting him i'm casting him yeah he could totally play joe nameth like a younger version of jack like easy rider jack i'm trying to think of easy rider jack who he might i kind of like

him playing browning from the bangles you know my sweet now joe all right uh what's browning's first name jake here's jake all right paul rudd ready for this this is a tough one because i'm not going to compare him to a quarterback that was getting boring and i don't i'm not saying that this player is they're the same what i'm saying is they remind me of each other okay so paul rudd and i'm not diminishing his work i think he's one of the best

comedy movie dudes of our generation period but he did he did play most of his key roles during one of the greatest runs ever with judd appetal and you know he's been in some other movies and held his own he's been a good player in some other movies but the best run was with was with judd like those two it was great also short hot guy Danny amandola you know I'm sure jud would be you know Paul would be like well you know I'm one of like the five best you know funny guys of our generation and Danny's not one of the five best receivers of our generation but I just it's a short hot guy thing you know which is it's a great thing to have to have short guys for friends because like you're not threatened by them like I know my wife probably thinks

Danny and Madole is hot like I know my wife probably thinks Paul Rudd's hot but I'm not worried about it I'm six foot three you know if she leaves me for for um Liam Neeson we got a problem I will find him you know what I mean but the short guys I'm not saying this point I'm not saying this pejoratively. It's just it doesn't, it's not as threatening. I guess that's the lead here is that he's short and hot like Danny Emondola and did his best work with Judd Apatow who's like Tom Brady in the analogy. There's this thing on the internet about Paul Rudd never aging, kind of like Tom Brady never aging. Or like Howie Long. Yeah. Oh, Howie Long. There you go. Yeah. Listen, I think Howie Long, I put Howie Long's genetics up against Tom or and I'm not talking about football genetics, but what I am talking about is just, the glow that that cat has. He's 62, 63 years old. Never done anything to his face. Could kick Liam Neeson's ass.

And could kick Liam Neeson's ass. That's when you start getting in trouble. The hot, tall guys that can kick your ass, you don't want those guys around. You don't. You really don't. Good thing Kyle's ugly. He's not ugly.

He's hot as shit. Is it he? Matt. Oh, that's good. I'm weird. A real bad is. One of the. The mailbag questions was ask Kyle if he knows that Matt's in love with him.

All right. So he looks like Alan Richardson. Look like the guy from Jack Reacher. He could play Richard. Like it wouldn't be crazy. No, it wouldn't be. But we were going so look alike. And then you just went, you went Kyle Long, Alan Richardson.

If you want to cast Kyle, I always say this, he'd be perfectly cast in the Indiana Jones. uh raiders of the lost dark no it's the nazi one raiders of the last dark or he backs that nazi into that propeller that'd be kyle that'd be the perfect role all right all right and then will feral's the last one own the 2000s okay and after a breakup it just hasn't been the same he's still that dude but there was a bad breakup and maybe i'm misremembering this but the randy moss breakup in Minnesota wasn't great, was it? Yeah. So I kind of feel like it's Randy Moss because when you're around Will Ferrell, not that I've been around Will Ferrell, but you're like, holy shit, that is one of the funniest people in history. Like, you know it. But Randy Moss, you know, like he moved on to New

England. He was just as funny, just as fucking awesome cartoonish on the football field, but they didn't win the whole thing. And it's not his fault. If Will Ferrell was still on SNL, imagine this weekend. he would be doing Jason Kelsey in the box. It'd be incredible. But the point is, like, things just change. And, like, I thought, like, what might have been if Adam McKay and Will Ferrell never gotten a big thing? What might have been if the Vikings never broke up?

I don't know. Somebody who knows the situation better me is going to explain perfectly why this is a stupid point, but it's an exercise that's not real. I was, I was thinking. actors to football players i was thinking it could be matt ryan for will feral like for the same reasons you listed 2000s uh really best seasons with a uh you know a partner and then split and didn't have his best work after the fact i'm just going to be i'm gonna be real very few quarterbacks have had to run like old school stepbrothers elf you know wedding crashes whatever else he was in he was in

like for five years there it was like he owned everything you one liner yeah i thought about paid manning but patent manning didn't have a breakup he right he might be closer to a paid manning if i'm being if you take the breakup thing out of it like because you got a patent manning and brady for that matter i also think think Peyton Manning is comparable because Peyton Manning is really fucking funny. Yeah. I throw him, I throw him in the hat there. Okay, that was a good question. It's a good question, Josh. It's a good question, Josh. Okay. Now for the, uh, the final question that's going to take about 15, 20 minutes, guys, buckle it up. The question was when I was a player, um,

and now really more than anything, like, what are the teams I wish I played for, the fan base I wish I'd played in front of. And what do I think about fans in general? Like, you know, like, just talk about what I think about fan bases. And I think that's a brilliant exercise because I feel like I got to check in with some of y'all. And I also think you never hear like, we don't really understand fan bases. My, my, my understanding of a fan base was how tough was it to play at a stadium on a

given day when I was a player? And now it's when you put out a YouTube video, how fucking annoying are these fans? Like is there a personality that a fan base has? And some fan bases I have given personalities on faulty data, dude. Like, you know, like a team's, a fan base's YouTube presence isn't an exact science. Dude, you got to understand a fan base, you got to like, you got to be in the shit with that fan base for a while. Nevertheless, I'm going to give you acknowledging everything I just said and acknowledging that, like, what do I know? Like, I'm going to tell you, if it interests you, what I think about you.

And, you know, I'm going to address each fan base. And I'm going to answer this question about which team would I have wanted to play for. I'll be quick on some teams. I'm going to be, I wrote lists of like pros and cons, okay? And I'll tell you if it's one of the teams that I'd actually, that I actually ever had a thought about playing for. So New Orleans Saints, got to be honest, I really like Saints fans. I just want to say that to you guys right here right now.

Maybe it's because I love Steve, Steve Gleason. Shout out to Steve Gleason and T-CAP. Maybe it's because I've been to tailgates at LSU. And honestly, like Louisiana people, they kind of adopt you. Like, I think they adopted Ryan Rissillo. Like the LSU fan base adopted Ryan Rissilo. And so just by association, every time I'm with him, and he'll love hearing this.

I feel like I get treated like a king down on, in the bayou or at or in teetown when we went to a the greatest tailgate i've ever been to these people do not fuck around this is when i think about saints fans i think about how big they do it my son is five years old his name's luke and one thing he got from me not his looks he got those from his mom he looks just like his mom uh but one thing he does just like me is ever since i was a little kid my mom always says that i used to like she'd be like go put an outfit on and I go put on like the loudest outfit that had all the different expressive thing. I was basically playing fucking dress up.

You know, like I want a tie-dye. I want stripes on the bottom. I want a unique shoes and the whole thing. Saints fans and LSU fans are kind of like my five-year-old in that way. And I mean in a really good way is like when they dress up to go out to a football game, it's like the craziest shit goes. And I love that. Everything's tiger print.

Everything's shiny. If you're at a Saints game, it's like, man, this is like, man, this is like, a circus and although the super dome does not meet code and that's probably why i wouldn't want to play in new orleans would be like i'm worried about that thing falling down at some point although it survived a hurricane for sure just like the fans which is why i love the fans the fans the fans have been through a hurricane they've had brown bags on their fucking heads they keep things in perspective you know what else i love about them in the same breath they're so worked up about a call they've survived a hurricane,

but they're on the Senate floor with a picture of Roby Coleman with his hand around somebody's neck in the NFC championship. The duality of man, the duality of Saints fans, that's what I love about you guys. You guys have been through shit. You have perspective, but you're also still nuts about football.

That stadium would not pass code. I do not rank it highly in my stadium rankings, but I will say this. if it were a bar, it would be a bar with a sticky floor. And we know that's the best kind of bar. So when you get a chance to go to New Orleans and play the Saints, it's a great experience. And we always got oysters after the game, which is awesome.

Fried oysters. I feel like I have written down here oysters and escorts. Now, what I mean by escorts is pregame escorts from the police. the police in Louisiana they just look like people are going to get out of the way on the highway you know like they just have that you know you go down to some of these states where they got bucket hats on and shit like if I was an SEC coach I need a cop with a bucket hat I don't know I don't care if I get to be a Virginia head coach one day

find me a hat with a cop with a bucket hat if they don't wear them in this state make them I need a fucking hat this tall on the cop is scored me to have or midfield to shake Davo's hand after I kick his ass in 2036. Okay. We'll see who's got the bigger cop, the bigger hat. You know, it's like, it's honestly like Game of Thrones where in the SEC, the woman, you know, what's her name?

The head honcho lady. She was fucking her brother, but still hot. Sercy. incredible you like sercy go back and watch the insufferable movie that is uh 300 okay she was she was in her prime okay incredible movie in that respect but in the other ways not so incredible okay in the SEC it reminds me a game of thrones where it's like well i got the fucking mountain you know like you get this little ass lady and she's got the biggest guy in the kingdom that's what the SEC is all about it's about having the biggest cops with the tallest hats. And it's like, let the best coach win.

I got all the recruits. And look at this fucking six-foot-eight guy. It looks like the fucking guy that fought Kimbo Slice in Boston. That's the kind of cop. You know, you need if you're in the SEC. Those are the kind of cops that are now there in Louisiana. And when you get those police escorts to the game, they mean business. Okay.

Also, I figure if I play for the Saints, I have written down Harry Connick Jr. house. I think I would go to Harry Connick Jr.'s house. You know? Sounds fucking cool. I don't know anything about the guy. Like literally don't know a thing about Harry Connick Jr. other than who he is and the fact that people love him. Is he a singer? He's a singer, right? Singer and an actor. Okay, I knew that. But probably got a cool house in New Orleans. I feel like I'd be hanging out with Harry Connick Jr. and I'd be like, oh, this is fucking cool. Instead, when I was in St. Louis, you know what I got to do? get drunk with Alto Reed till three in the morning after a Bob Seeger concert.

Hell yeah. Okay, that was kind of cool in its own right, but then Alto leaves the next day. We just didn't have celebrities like that. Celebrities come and go. I couldn't make friends with a Harry Connick Jr. Bob Seeger was on the sideline for that Detroit game. Bob Seeger, yep, was on the, I've read there were a bunch of guys, dude. Jeff Daniels is big Lions fan.

They got some cool fans. You know, like you're not going to be a. douchebag if you're a lion's fan after all this like it's kind of self-selective here uh Atlanta i like you guys you guys are realistic i don't think i ever would have thought about playing for you guys in fact i did i went down there visited uh not that you care um you know you guys are like the short sell guys in the stock market you know what's going to happen before it happens you know it's bad and you know what you guys like already know your team is going to fuck it up even know somehow i don't know if you knew the 28 to 3 thing was going to happen how do we get here i just

i have this thing about 28 to 3 and i feel like if it makes you feel any better i just wanted to tell you guys i think that thing's blown out of proportion i don't think it's that big a deal it's three scores it's the modern NFL now okay it's three scores it's 283 25 points yeah it is four scores. Never mind. That's a big deal. What you guys did was really bad. Okay, so four scores.

Think about it like this. Let's say, let's say it's 4217. Doesn't sound as bad, does it? Man, that team was down 4217, but they found a way to come back. That just doesn't sound as bad. 28 to 3 just sounds really bad, you know?

So with those three scores, four scores, I never added it up. I just put my head down and was like, hopefully Tom Brady takes care of business. But I don't think it's that big of a deal. 28 to 3. It just sounds bad because you had 3. You know, if it were 56 to 31, it's like, who cares? Do they have us all the time in the Big 12?

This is that I don't think it's that big of a deal. I just wanted to tell you guys that. I don't know if that makes you guys feel any better. I also want to say this, the overtime rule. Everybody talks about Josh Allen got job by the overtime. rule and he did but you know who else got fucked matt ryan you guys haven't led with that one have you i just hey you're welcome i got no problems with you Atlanta fans i like you guys a lot you guys seem like you know when bad shit's gonna happen i think that's valuable it'd be good to have you

around i think Atlanta Falcons fans got to become like seismologists or do tsunami warnings or fucking you know like um tell you what your risk factors are for like All types of cancers. Like, do you guys know when shit's going to go wrong? I think you guys have an innate ability by washing the Falcons for a long time. And I think that's a really good quality to have. So kudos to you guys. Tampa Bay, I don't know who you guys are.

And I don't mean that negatively. I got to tell you, I crossed you off the list because of the shot clock numericles. I would not have played for Tampa legitimately because of the shot clock numericles. There was a time when I was a free agent once or twice, had a couple of teams I could go play for. not saying Tampa called. I'm sure you guys are like, I wouldn't want to you anyways, but you couldn't catch me dead in those uniforms.

Now, the uniforms have changed since you guys look pretty good. Listen, you guys dressed like pirates? That's like one of the widest activities you could possibly do. Totally relatable. I love it.

I like the pirate ship. It's incredible. Although in Jacksonville, they have a pool. You can't swim in the pirate ship. I bet the dogs in the area don't love the pirate ship, though. You know, you think about those loud noises and stuff like that you guys ever think about that i do love when

you watch all 22 of y'all's stadium it's you guys still park in the grass like it's like a you know like a like it's 1997 i love that like there's not a proper parking lot i can see it through the stadium people are still parking in the grass i love it but the biggest impediment for me when it comes to Tampa fans and i love to get to know you guys and gals i don't know who you are I'm not saying they don't exist. That stadium was rocking, dude, when you kick the Eagles asses. Congratulations. That was a thorough ass kicking.

I think some Philly fans are appreciative you ended it so fast. But I just don't, I've never met too many Bucks fans, you know? All right, Carolina, this is one that got away for me. I grew up a Panthers fan, 1995, 96, whenever they came on the scene, you know, the colors, the whole thing, Kevin Green, Dan Morgan, who's now a GM. For the Panthers? Incredible, dude. Damn Morgan. One of the scariest people I've ever seen.

I remember going to a banquet with my dad when he was at UM. He was getting some award. I guess my dad was giving an award out. I just remember thinking like, this guy is like, he's a badass. He had that like slick black, slick back black hair and shit. You know? He kind of was like no country for old men without the, you know, like with a little less creepy. but he had that thing dude and he was like quiet and shit and he was you know the panthers were hard

not to to root for man they were awesome um in fact one year i can't remember what year it was but i was trying to go to carolina and uh that would have been i think it was the the new england year i really wanted to go to carolina in free agency um because i grew up a panthers fan and uh i love Charles Johnson, one of my favorite players from my era and we were boys and, you know, close enough to where I kind of knew what he was doing. If he wasn't going to sign back, I wanted to do it. And he signed back and the rest of this history. So probably better. I didn't sign with Carolina. I never flipped you guys off. I got ejected back in the day. You guys all know the story, but there was a picture that Will Brinson posted online that looked like it was flicking him off.

I was just IDing the guy who threw a beer bottle at me. I had the Panthers cheerleaders calendar when I was a teenager and that was a really formative age. I'll just put it that way. And I wonder what those gals are doing today. You know what I mean? Can you look something up while I get into the next team? What year did MySpace start read as to not incriminate myself? Yeah, that makes sense because I was I was creeping on Panthers cheerleaders on MySpace in 2003. When it first came out, the first thing I did was like, let's see if any of these gals from the calendar from a few years back or on MySpace. And they were. Didn't really do anything with that, but I definitely knew they had MySpace. Is that, is that bad? No, that's normal behavior.

It's normal. Kids these days, they got Instagram. It's easy. They're just looking up on Instagram. You know, at least I'm learning about the gal. Kids these days are just, they're, what's the word? They're fucking objectifying these ladies on Instagram. MySpace, was a fact-finding expedition. All right. NFC East, Dallas. Why did I become a Panthers fan in 1995? I'm going to be honest.

I've shared this on this show before. Nolan didn't know it. I was once a Cowboys fan. And do you know why I became a Panthers fan? She's a little too much cocaine for me. And 10 years old, 11 years old. Like, you know, which is a little bit curious because I didn't. did like aerosmith unbeknownst to me stephen tyler spent millions of dollars on cocaine he said

uh and he said he snorted like half of peru so he's rubbing it in our faces doing cocaine drugs through his nose right and i'm disowning my favorite football team that all they do is win championships and i'm doing it and i still went to an aerosmith concert like the next summer i just had no idea if Stephen Tyler was on so much blow, I didn't know. The only thing I knew about cocaine was that the cowboys were doing it. That was like my frame of reference. So I gave up on the cowboys. I'm sorry, guys.

And I just, I want to say this, there's no olive branch situation because I don't think I've ever once said I hate the cowboys. I think the cowboys are necessary. I think the cowboys are a necessary heel. And I think you sold your soul to the devil or something. Or maybe it was you sold your Herschel Walker. to Minnesota and that's directly what happened and you got that big run but like I think what's crazy about the cowboys is the 90s are like our formative years right like there's a whole generation of

consumers who grew up thinking the cowboy that's why the cowboys are thought of the way they are today is because they know that if we talk about the cowboys on TV a bunch of people that are paying for smart TVs and fucking ESPN packages and all that shit they grew up watching the Cowboys. That's what I think it is. That's the, I mean, like, I know it's not rocket science, but it's, so I don't hate the Cowboys. You guys are maybe more chill than people give you credit for my driver home tonight was a Cowboys fan. I asked him if he thought McCarthy should be fired. He was like, no, I don't think so. I was like, all right. What were your takeaways from the game? He was like, you know,

we just didn't play that well. I was like, maybe you guys deserve more credit. Washington, weird meeting when I went there to visit. Never thought, I mean, I did think about playing there because it was two hours from my house. You got realistic fans. I love that. When I think about a Washington fan, I think about PFT commenter.

Like, that is your central casting Washington commanders fan, formerly known as the Redskins. My wife's roommate, for instance, huge Washington Redskins fan at the time, called them the Foreskins, endearingly. She's a Redskins fan. She's calling them the Foreskins. She's going to the game.

She said, I'm going to the Foreskins game. Like, that's what their fans think about the team. And what's fucked up is if it weren't for Dan Snyder, I think you're an America's team. I really do. If you think about it, you had an offensive line with a nickname, check. You have a cool-ass coach that objectively,

everybody likes that won multiple championships and did race car stuff. And you're in the nation's capital. Why are you not more popular? I like your fans. You guys are realistic. Giants, I know nothing about you guys. To me, there's no in between.

It's like 23-year-old frat kid from Long Island or 46-year-old Italian guy. Everybody has dark hair. That's how I picture all Giants fans. I might be, I mean, it's a whole city. It's the big apple, dude. I can't picture anybody. I don't have any association with the Giants. I respect you guys.

I never thought about playing for the Giants. Okay, Seattle, that's on my list. I did think about playing for Seattle. I think what would have been cool about Seattle would have been, and honestly, I've said this before, I was jealous of their setup. I think what's cool about Seattle is all that talk about podcasting earlier and how hard it is.

I don't think I'm doing any of it if I played for Seattle. I think I end up Bill Gates is in Domen, Sue. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying, Matt? You know, Buffett, Warren Buffett, and how rich he is. he's like, I've just taken Indomacan Sioux under my wing, you know, and you just, you just play football. When you get out, you can be even richer than you, you would have been. Because that's how I think it would have gone.

It would have been, and I know some people don't like Bill Gates, whatever, just insert tech billionaire here. I would have met them. Sparks would have flew. And you'd have never heard from me again. I'd be making fucking widgets or whatever that is. What does a widget mean anyways? It's just an item? I thought it was some like web thing.

That's what I thought. Okay, okay, there we go. I was right. I'd be making widgets and I wouldn't be doing this bullshit. I also have a theory I want to share with you Seattle fans while I'm addressing you. Uh,

you guys, you guys are the best. Like really, you guys, the 12s are legit. You have fucking nothing but respect for them. I know a lot of this is fucking around, but,

um, I do have a theory. What year did, real quick, what year did, did marijuana become legal? Like, when did dispensaries open up in Seattle? December 2012.

Interesting. Very interesting. Do you know when it became a real pain in the ass to go play Seattle Seahawks? I'm guessing about 2012. Circa 2012. You know what I think? Pre-agent destination? No.

You know what I think? I think a bunch of guys from states where you were just, you had access to reggie miller would fly up to seattle for two days usually because a two-day trip and get high as a giraffe's ass and not understand what they're getting themselves into i'm not saying every guy but you know some guys show up they're like i just walking in this store and like yeah well i like to smoke weed at home let me see what they're growing out here on the west coast and then they're high for two days and then they're dealing with the 12s and russell wilson and LOB, I think people were high.

That's my theory. Not taking anything away from you guys, but I think you got a lot of people stoned over the, over that period. You know, it was all about the crowd noise and team. That's, that's all well and good.

I think you were, I think you had Cheech and Chong scheduled every week and you didn't, you didn't even, you didn't mean to. It just kind of fell that way. Not taking anything away from you guys. One and seven up in Seattle, okay?

But I also played great every time I played in Seattle. No coincidence. Okay. The Cardinals, listen, I've told this story before on the show. I've never had a bad dealing with a Cardinals fan, mostly because I just don't run into them a lot. And that's not a diss. I just like, I'm not in that part of the country.

It is a, it's a smaller market, I guess, relative to other teams. Like if you look at like TV markets and that sort of thing. So I'm not throwing shade. I did have one bad interaction in Phoenix that I can't get out of my head. um do you remember carlos booser of course yeah you guys know the story nolan didn't know this story but long story short Carlos boosers is like my highlander beef as an athlete him and javel mcgee because javel mcgey walked right by me i was like hey javel mcgee went to dab him up and he just like basically like euro stepped me but in a way that like he he moved his arm like over

my head i like walked by him at the club and he like put his arm up here and was like yep going of the bathroom and i was like fuck man that felt terrible but the other time was carlos booser and although carlos booser looked a lot older in me was way more accomplished to me when i was like 16 17 i was at u hall the old stadium at virginia watching uva and duke and i got some good seats because my buddy had good seats and we were sitting there we're hanging over the rafters and boozer's walking out i'm like boozer you're ugly you know something like that and he looked up at me and like eye contact and you know he's just so fucking big he was a lot bigger in person and a lot more older than me looking and yeah he had a full beard and shit and i'm like god damn dude i'm sitting

up here in some vineyard vines gonna get you know i got a belt with whales on it i didn't really have a belt with whales on it but some of my friends did anyways fast forward playing the cardinals riding the elevator with a couple of my buddies um you know kind of like just just yucking up it's Saturday we play Sunday and the elevator door opens it's floor four and big ass dude gets on he's bald he's got a beard he's got a weird release anyways he's a good player though anyways we ride down the elevator three levels to lobby lobby door opens Carlos boozer walks off i guess he's playing the suns i walk around the corner about 90 seconds later, he's yucking it up

with some guy on his team and he's like, and next thing I know, I'm like, what the fuck are they laughing about? They're on the Rams. Oh, shit. And I just kept walking. Yeah, because I'm like, you know, it's this boozer,

boozer, boozer. It has nothing to do with Cardinals fans. That's my one memory. My only other memory about going down there and playing the Cardinals is it's an awesome trip in December. When you get off the plane and you play some more like St. Louis and you get off that plane and they get you stand in some place. That's the one thing Jeff Fisher was

I love Jeff Fisher because Jeff Fisher would make sure we stayed somewhere nice. We always stayed on some golf course. That's about the only place you can find grass or trees in Phoenix. That's the disorienting part of landing in Phoenix and going to some Phoenix hotel. There's no trees. There's no landmarks. I have no fucking clue where I am. Next thing you know, they put you in a bus and drive you like 40 minutes out in the desert. If I wasn't on a Quicks bus with my teammates, I think I was getting murdered. dumped in a hole. There's a toaster out there and that's where you play football and it looks

totally fucked up but when you go in they cart the grass in from outside. I think it's one of my favorite stadiums to actually play in. It's just a super weird atmosphere. The game day atmosphere is live though. Cardinals fans, you know, like I got no I got no beef. Y'all are cool except there was this one guy in the corner of the end zone who was talking shit during D-line indie one year and after the game I ran 70 yards to find him. And then he called me classless. So you know who you are, a guy on the right hand side corner of the end zone.

Non-descript white guy had a kid with him that he was cussing me out in front of, then turned it back on me when I ran over. Not in front of my kid, please. You're at a Cardinals game. Just joking. Okay, the Rams. I already played for the Rams.

The reason I'm skipping the Eagles, the Rams too. I want to apologize to Rams fans, first off, because I was wrong about your team this year. I mean, like, I did not think that I thought you guys should hit the reset button. I underestimated Matt's health. I underestimated how good he was this year. I don't underestimate less, and I don't underestimate Sean. I think they're awesome. I just might have hit the reset button.

But what a year it was. It was awesome. And, you know, I was wrong about you guys. I actually have no beef with y'all. I don't know if you know that or not. But here's another team I thought about, the Kansas City Chiefs. That's the team I think would have been cool. There's two ways of looking at it.

Number one would have been cool. Number two wouldn't have been cool. I'll tell you why it would have been cool. Okay. Cheese fans haven't made. I think that whole setup is awesome. You got red and yellow, ketchup and mustard. I love those colors.

I love the old stadium. When you play in that stadium, it feels like the Jetsons built it in the past, and they were trying to build a stadium that would look futuristic. it's like kind of the architecture that time and you know like the signage is still original i love how many cars you see outside the damn stadium i think it's so cool it's a what it is to me is i love pictures in the 90s like you know like i could look at them all day it looks like it's

1996 when they're having a game down to the way that people dress starter jackets zuba's like that stadium's retro you got my homes you got read now the chop the chop thing I want to level with you guys because I'm not here to say the chop should get taken away that's not that's not for me to decide I'm not the moral authority on that it doesn't suck to look at but you have to admit it kind of sucks you have to admit it kind of sucks you have to admit it kind of sucks and this isn't me like you know I'm not trying to moral high ground you here but imagine that Pakistan was like yeah you know I think I want to live in America and I don't want to live there where they am

Americans either. So Pakistan comes over and they just bulldoze us. They're like, hey, here's some blankets. We're going to cover them with anthrax. We're going to engage in a little biological warfare. We're going to like run up on your shit and not give it back and then act like we're trying to help you. But we're really not prioritizing you at all throughout the rest of the history of our country, which is now our country. And fast forward 200 years. years pack stadium they're watching cricket in overland park they built a big

cricket stadium there they're doing the wave oh stop 200 years from doing the wave at a senator's game the logo's like a fucking white guy or something you know

like how do you you're not upset you don't see how it sucks it kind of sucks the wave like the wave is something for me that looks cool or the uh the chop looks cool as shit undoubtedly who doesn't like hearing somebody go oh oh oh um but i just i just you know it's kind of conflicted on that thing because of the whole pakistan picture i just painted you okay but the other thing is the way i could look at it and say hey it's a good thing i didn't play for the chiefs can you

imagine if i fell to the chiefs my life would have been in a lot of ways better right Right? Same region of the country. We would have won more, the whole thing. Glenn Dorsey was picked by the chiefs. Hell of a player, Glenn Dorsey, was on all the awards circuits with him. And we didn't know where we were going to end up. But can you imagine me retiring in 2018, a Kansas City chief? Like, say, I played my whole career in Kansas City and was like, yeah, I'm hanging it up.

I could do something, go do something else. And they're like, we're trading up for. Patrick Mahomes and then I got to watch him win three championships. I am so glad I did not play for the Chiefs because that would have been impossible to watch. Playing 11 years, 12 years in Kansas City and then watching Patrick Mahomes win all these championships. I would have got off the bus at the wrong time. So it's almost a blessing. I didn't play for you guys.

But in another life, you guys have an awesome fan base. And that stadium is amazing. And you can tell when I talk about your team, I have a lot of reverend. for teams that get their year after year. I just do. I just think it's really cool. Raiders are another team that I would have definitely like to have played for at the Oakland Raiders.

Now, I love that Vegas Stadium. But I'll sum it up for you in one sentence. Raider fans, I'll give you an example. One time, my dad almost got in a fight in the parking lot with a Raiders fan,

which is like imagine going to the game at the Coliseum and be like, what are you up to today? I'm going to go up to the Coliseum and then get my ass kicked by Highway Long after the game. He's going to walk out of the stadium and beat my ever-loving ass in the parking lot. It's going to be the full game experience. So the guy, my dad doesn't look for trouble, but if trouble finds my dad, he's going to take care of the trouble. And I guess I was a wee lad and somebody came looking for trouble.

and my dad, Raiders fans are aggressive enough to try to fight Howie Long in the parking lot, but in the same hand, they're trustworthy enough that my dad found one immediately that was willing to stand with me in case it went down. The juxtaposition of those two fans, like, it's all in there, but they're fearless and aggressive enough to try to fight Howie Long in the parking lot, but trustworthy enough, that if Howie Long needs to drop his kid with a total stranger, he felt like he trusted this guy behind the, this is also the 80s or the early 90s.

Like, things were different. Like, we played outside. There was an unmarked van. But other than that, like, you weren't getting like scooped up or nothing. Like, the world's, it's totally different now. So, um, also the first time I ever smelled the black hole, gas. Just smelled like gas, dude.

And they had dropped ceilings in their facility. when I went and visited there. I almost the closest I ever went to play on there was in the draft. It was Lane Kiffin. Lane Kiffin was the coach. They got eight foot drop ceilings. Like you know drop ceilings in the offices. Okay, like this is like modern NFL.

They're walking me through the thing. They were like, hey, Lane, Chris Long's here. You want to beat the guy who's visiting his top five pick possibly? We might draft him. And maybe Lane wasn't interested at all, but also Lane's just Lane. Lane comes up he's like Good good to meet you He goes

Look good we'll take you And then he walks away That was my experience with the Raiders I like I don't know what they were You know Lastly I want to say the Broncos are on my watch list here Reid The Broncos are on my watch list

You would look good in orange and blue at my high Well here's what I like about the Broncos read Number one I love the city of Denver Okay fucking you got me. Sunshine. Shocking.

300 days of sunshine. Legal marijuana. Fucking bunch of crunchy ass people. Huge. Huge outdoor stores that I can go in and buy useless shit, like some cavoo bag or like a fucking, you know, like some, oh, another Patagonia hat. All the REI.

RIA. Yeah. Anything you can think of. They have an REI there that you can like ride your bicycle around. Like you want a tent for your dog. No problem. You got it. Okay.

But here's what's cool about Denver. You guys literally, I mean, South Park, that's the coolest thing that you guys are like a theme in South Park. You know? 100%. It could have been any team. It could have been any town. It had to be the Broncos, I guess. But like, it is hilarious to me that you guys own that piece of pop culture.

And so I love that about the Broncos. another thing I my question to Broncos fans is are you aware that horse that's 40 feet tall outside of your stadium has a penis a big dick and do you ever think about what they were thinking when they were like should we put a dick on this horse like I want to I want to know who made that executive decision I don't think it's I don't think it's check that box I think it's just I think they were just I think they were just like realism peter it's got to be real and in fact i need the dick to scale okay the horse is 36 feet tall i need the dick to be at least four to five feet tall and so somebody's you know they're working on this thing like the statue of liberty and you know there's a guy assigned to making this Look at another statue of a horse outside of stadium. Find me another horse with a dick outside of stadium. Dick and balls.

Look at this horse. You bet you never saw the balls, have you read? No. As much as you like the Broncos, you didn't know the Broncos, the giant Broncos horse had balls and... 27 feet tall, right? Or is that the airport Bronco? At least at the airport, they had the decency not to give it a massive cop.

Look at this picture where they're erecting this horse for the first time. The thing's got a piece. Are you dumbfounded by this at all? That they were like, yeah, let's put a dick on this horse. A hundred percent. Because it's a family, you know, it's football. You got kids walking by there. What are they going to ask?

They're going to ask questions. Is that horse excited? Yeah. Yeah, the Broncos scored a touchdown. Is that a horse happy to see me? The horse is always excited. The Dolphins, I just want to say this, Dolphins fans, like, it would have been cool

to play for the Dolphins. And honestly, I'm excited to root for you guys in 24. I just want to say this. Like, if y'all have me, I'd love to jump on the bandwagon. Seeing as I didn't really say anything that wasn't true. Like, I just really, I want to root for the dolphins, man. I like your colors, you know, talking about, you know, talking about a franchise that would be,

it'd be awesome to see you guys win a Super Bowl. where I don't have to get a tattoo as a result, but it would be awesome. I also, you're talking about franchises with pop culture real estate? How many movies primarily feature any other NFL team? I mean, the little giants and, you know, like cowboys, but those are little giants. We got Dan Marino and the dolphins in Ace Ventura. Like, it's a real thing. And I thought that was really cool, like growing up to see the dolphins and Snowflake.

and everything you guys got going on down there featured in a motion picture i would love to be with you guys in 24 this is your mission if you choose to accept it allow chris long to root for the dolphins in 2004 you guys are going to hate me you thought you hated me in 23 if kirk cousins goes down there i'm getting a kirk cousins miami dolphins jersey i wear it on the podcast i really would like to see you guys win i cheered so fucking loud during the the Miami miracle it was insane all right love Chad pennington Ricky Williams obviously Vonny holiday we just start naming dolphins Randy McMichael chambers incognito while I'm at it you had the guy from Stanford the offensive tackle so where my brain

works and went from Richie to him. All right. Lastly, Jacksonville Jaguars. I, listen, I just feel this magnetism. Like I really do. I've been trying to get my kid to be a Jags fan and not a Dolphins fan ironically for the better part of a year. I just think Jacksonville and I would have got along swimmingly. Like I really think I would have done fine in that city. A small market team, a lot like St. Louis in some ways. And the best part of it, the city, not a lot of people. Huge city, not a lot of people. Like playing Grand Theft Auto.

It's just an open map with no crime. Was swimmingly a pun? Well, yeah, because there's a fucking pool in there. It wasn't a pun, but it's true. We would have gone along swimmingly. You've talked a lot about the pee in the pool. Would you have gone in the pool if you had played in Jacksonville? After every game.

when I say I want to be a part of Jacksonville you know like Garden Key was a part of Jacksonville I want to be a part of Jacksonville I want to really get in the pool with Jacksonville you know I don't want to be about I want to get in the pool with y'all thanks for being on today it's pretty late so we're going to go to bed and we'll catch you on Friday for the previews