Green Light with Chris Long - Nikki Glaser on Porn, Comedian Insecurities, and Election. Stoned Mailbag: The Donut Incident. (NSFW)

Episode Date: November 6, 2020

(1:26) - Welcome and Election Talk. (11:07) - Nikki Glaser on Porn, Comedian Insecurities, and Election. (1:00:00) - Donuts and Stoned Mailbag Sign up for your DraftKings account at https://www.draftkings.com/sportsbook and use promo code : Greenlight Green Light with Chris Long: Subscribe and enjoy weekly content including podcasts, documentaries, live chats, celebrity interviews and more including hot news items, trending discussions from the NFL, MLB, NHL, NBA, NCAA are just a small part of what we will be sharing with you. http://bit.ly/chalknetwork Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Makin, how should we start the show? Hello! That wasn't what I was thinking. I was thinking, like, maybe we know some more about some things tomorrow morning. Maybe we don't. How do we start the show? Thursday night time machine, brother.

Niners. Packers. You ready? I'm ready. Green Bay 27. San Francisco 12. Congratulations. You won.

Congratulations. You won. Boy, oh boy. I got the pack as well. Can you remember? Because I know it was... I'm doing the math here, okay? Okay. Instead of maybe cheating, and I need to ask for a recount from Cowboy Reed. Oh, I'm not cheating. No, it's 30-21 is my score. Okay, nine.

Yeah, I'm doing the math on yours. What was yours again? 28 to... 27, 12, that'd be a difference of 15. Okay, got you. I'm good. I think the Niners are overvalued here. I really do. Welcome. Started my own fucking show, did you? How long you wanted to do that? How long you were waiting to start my show?

Never. You cucking me, dude. Honestly, that was really out of character. I like to follow. I like to counter punch. I don't like to lead. Yeah, you don't like to get a big lead. Saying, saying welcome just then.

Felt unnatural, felt bad, and I won't do it again. What are we going to talk about today? I'm just fucking, I'm so, tired man i've been up all hours of night and stressed out because even even if things go the way you want them to go it's still this was interesting how challenging this this was if it if it does indeed turn out to be okay yeah well i've been encouraged by your uh your enthusiasm all day your positive outlook your cheeriness your uh your attitude generally i'm like you're talking to another chris yeah I've been on edge today.

I've been a little bit. I didn't feel like doing this podcast. Turns out Nikki's going to save this show. She's fucking saved us, man. She saved us. We were sinking. We were taking on water. Taking on water.

Taking water on. Is what we were doing. Yeah. And Nikki comes through. She not only repairs our leak, but begins to help us. You know, when you get water out of a boat, I guess with a bucket of some sort

I was thinking she came by with a lifeboat bro that's like that's where I was going and you usually when there's a fucking hole in a boat it just sinks dude they don't come out with buckets like they come out with life boats yeah not very

common that I'm way smarter than you about something but you obviously don't know anything about maritime disasters you fucking moron but here we are in the same boat is what I'm saying like it's not as if she she took us to Kirkwood I mean, we're in the same boat. I guess, I guess.

But like, yeah, I guess she saved the boat. You're probably right. Okay. Nice. Because you can repair a boat. I just feel like we're in a different boat than we were in earlier. Totally different boat. I was in a very bad mood.

You were. Yeah. Yeah, you were. I can read some text messages. I wish I had a transcript of a phone call we had. It was dark there for a while. And nothing's changed as far as my outlook on the world. or the United States.

It's just that I smoke two joints. I can smell. I can smell that she did that. And we're live. Yeah. So, I mean, I'm just trying to get my mind off this thing. Plus, you know, I said it on my story today when I was asking for you guys basically throw me the oop and give me some ideas or creativity.

Whenever you know that, like, I'm real mailbag heavy means I'm busy or I've had a bad week, you know? because I haven't had time or the inspiration to think of something else to talk about. But you guys came through and so I appreciate you. Here's a question for your stone mailbag. Were you throwing the alley or the oop?

The alley, they were throwing the alley. Right. But I never say throw the alley. I say throw the oop. Okay. Throw me an oop. You say, you say, throw me an alley? I don't think I say either.

I was just thinking on it because of this contact high I have from you. Well, imagine. Hotboxing the studio. Imagine hitting somebody who's where I am. right now with that line of thinking yeah i'm sorry i'll keep it the alley or the oop are you kidding me dude i'll yeah that's a brain buster broke my brain there dude and the boat thing the boat thing was a lot it was it was a lot you're a little freaked out at the moment okay the boat thing was a lot

that's the only thing that's changed for me i mean no matter what happens um in the next 24 to 48 hours this was way tighter than somebody like me would have hoped and it is what it is. That's who we are. I guess I'm glad I was wrong about one thing and that's that Joe Biden's actually going to win this thing. Maybe.

I'm all in on democracy and I think if we count all the votes that would be a good thing. Keep this thing rocking right along. But look, bro, country's been divided. Four hundred years now. Since the dinosaurs were here. 17th century.

Don't even give me 1776. Before then. It's always been divided. were still divided through the ice age but uh yeah everybody's voice being heard that'd be a good thing so let's let's uh let's go that route yeah it seems like uh one of the basic tenants of this country that we love so fucking much democracy i think i saw somebody say this earlier you can tell that dude never played sports i wish i could send that motherfucker to the st louis ram circa 08 just put that big orange motherfucker in a helmet and some shoulder pads

They're going to be Orlando paces, helmets and shoulder pads. Well, he would be on the O line. Yeah, he would be on the O line. He would definitely be an O lineman, and he would lose for 10 years, and he would be way better about losing the election. What do you want to talk about today?

Hey, I know Joe Burroughs from Ohio and all that. You're the number one pick. You still taking Joe Burrow, or would you take Justin Herbert? I figure we'd... I would probably take... The big question was like, okay, coming in,

it was this kid who's like a proven one. winner. The arm strength isn't quite what it is. You know, the other, the other kids like got a cannon for our arm, but we don't know how it's going to translate. You got the answer already. Like the upside is higher with Justin Herbert. It's just higher physically. So the biggest question has been answered unless he's had the strangest, smallest sample size of like excellence in history of the game. Like the guy's fucking really good. So I would probably take Justin Herbert. That was remarkably impressive. You just locked right back into football.

That was cool. We've now spoken about football on the show. And that's about all we're going to do when it comes to football. Hey, at this juncture, I am sorry to report for some of the listeners. Maybe they don't want to hear anything past this because Nikki Glazer, who is a terrific comedian, like legitimately funny and I don't laugh at comedians all the time. Really, you know what I mean? Like some of it's like, oh, fuck, that's painful, you know?

I do. They're a handful of people who do it really well. Nikki is one of them. She's fucking funny, dude. And she's a St. Louis girl. So I'm excited to have her on. But we already did the interview and my face hurt from laughing. And also, one of the most stressful weeks of my adult life, just as a human.

She really put us at ease, man. She was great. I didn't feel good coming in this interview. I told Nikki that when she got on because I just, I'm just not in like a cheerful place. I know like I'm better now. You can hear it in the open,

but when I got to work today, I was not in a good place. So this interview was awesome. This interview took my mind off everything and then I snapped back and started checking Twitter again. But Nikki's great, but she also talks about pornography a lot.

Talks about penises. Talks about what else make? Lisa has penis and pornography I'm still thinking you stuck just of the things that you might not want to hear if you're not

she talks about feces things like that bedrooms parents talks about living with their parents and there's some wholesome shit in this interview now but I don't want to hear

like anybody in the comments like I was in the I was in my Dodge Caravan with my four children under the age of eight, and they heard Nikki Glazer talk about gangbangs. I don't want to hear that because you've had your chance now. You see how I massaged this conversation? I kind of gently eased into this conversation, and then I said gang bang.

That's the type of thing you're going to hear during this interview. And she's hilarious, but she is way more of a dude then probably we are making I mean jeez a dude um it's fucking funny so turn back now three

two one the seasons in full swing and the action is still unfolding so head over to draft king's sportsbook America's top rated sportsbook app with so many storylines in both professional and collegiate sports

this is the time to check out all the draft king sports book has to offer if you haven't tried the yet. Head to the app store now because you don't want to miss this. To celebrate Sunday's action, Draft Kings is ensuring all new users are covered up to $100. That's right, you bet they cover with risk-free Sunday betting. Download the top-rated Draft King Sportsbook app now and use promo code Greenlight. When you sign up to get this can't-miss offer, Draft King Sportsbook is ensuring your Sunday bets up to $100. That's right, you bet and they cover up to $1,000.

$100 when you use promo code green light during sign up for a limited time only a draft king sports book must be 21 or older in New Jersey, Indiana or Pennsylvania only bonus comprise the first deposit bonus and first bet match each up to $500 deposit bonus required 25 times play through restrictions apply see draftkings.com slash sportsbook for details gambling problem call 1 800 gambler or in Indiana 1809 with it. What's up? Boom. Hi. How are you? Good. How are you? I mean we're alive. Dude, I'm not even like, I'm so happy to be doing this because I don't want to check or be around people who are checking or I just don't want to know anything. Yeah, dude. Like, I don't know what people are like in Missouri right now. You live in St. Louis still? Yeah.

I played in Philly at the end of my career after St. Louis. And when I was there, like I started following all these people, they follow you back. So like my timeline is all Pennsylvania right now. just all fucking PA, high stress. What's happening? They're counting all the mail-in votes and shit. I'm losing my mind. I know it's really, it's, we all like expected this, but also we were told it was going to be a landslide.

And it's just, I don't, I refuse to get my fucking hopes up until literally he's putting his hand on the Bible and being sworn in. I'm not getting happy. No, I know. Hey, this is my co-host, Makin, by the way. Makin. Hello. Hi, Nikki. Hey, Macon.

Big fan of your work, especially the prettiest penis contest. Oh my gosh. Yes. Oh, my God. We could totally talk about that. Oh, good, good, good, good. Yeah, I want to talk about anything and everything. That's another problem we've been having.

It was like, you know, obviously you're awesome. I'm also a fan. So interviews can be kind of intimidating, but then like on a day, like today when it's like, I don't have the energy right now. And what if she's like not into the interview? Like what if she's not into it? I am like in the same level.

So let's just like have fun and ease like no pressure. Like I hate interviewing. So I know like the stress of it. I fucking hate it. I don't even know why people do it. I mean I've done it before too. Don't you just want to do a podcast where it's just you and Makin just like shooting the shit and like not have to get research people?

You know like look at a fucking. Wikipedia entry of me today and read all this bullshit and memorize it and act like you're a bigger fan than you are. I was just, yeah. Ugh. It sucks. Well, I was just, well, legitimately, I do follow you on IG and I do watch some of your stuff. Well, sure.

Yeah. The roasts are fucking awesome. That's what I, that's the most of the stuff I've watched. Okay. Well, let's talk about all of this. I've helped everybody out here because I googled questions to ask in an interview. So, Nikki, I guess. Nikki, I start with.

Okay. What does a typical? day look like and what are the most immediate projects that need to be addressed? Okay, well, I feel like this is a, um, you read some kind of buzzfeed article about ways to be more productive or are you sure this is how to conduct an interview? Is this a new role that has been created? Um, okay, uh, yes. How will I be trained?

Job interview. Job interview. Oh, okay. I haven't done, I haven't been out for one of those in a really long time and I've, Yeah, and I'm terrible at them. I'm terrible at any kind of like just like one-on-one thing. Like I'm not good. I'm good on podcasts because I feel like I can externally think about the audience listening and be more entertaining.

But when it's like an intimate like one-on-one interview, audition, date, who, not good. Yeah, date. I haven't done that in a long time. Oh, God. You're so lucky. Yeah, I'm not like rubbing that in. They seem like they're probably cool.

But I mean just as antisocial as I become at 35 I can't imagine being peppy about meeting somebody new No, I'm 36 and like meeting someone you just know right away and then you have to sit through Even a coffee is too long to be with someone that you're like I know I never want this person inside of me and I don't even want to be friends with this person That's the problem with dating you go out of date with a guy and you have some you know chemistry. It's fine and then you're like no I don't like him and you have to like lie and say let's just be friends when you're really like, can you just be nothing? You have to be good at breaking up and that's on the little breakups and the big ones. And I was always really bad at breaking up. I would like, I hope my ex-girlfriends from like high school aren't listening, but they probably gave a more an extra six months just because I was a pussy about it. Oh my God. That's

very normal, I think. And I think most people do that in a relationship. They're scared that they don't know what else is out there and so they stay until they find something else out there. Yeah, I just, you're right about that. Because it's easier to leave. Sometimes my old therapist used to say, listen, cheating's not good, but you know, when you know you're about to leap off of, I think she's comparing it to like a frog. She's like when you leap off a, I'm already screwing this up. The lily pad.

You have to have another one. You have to know where you're going. You're gonna land. I actually was always because I was like too much of a pussy about like, oh, I made that person hurt. You know what I mean? Like I didn't want to hurt somebody. I know.

And then you end up hurting them so much more because then they realize. Drag them along for. And it comes out of nowhere, no matter what. Or you just like have to start acting like a dick. Yes. And then you just to make them eventually go, hey, what's going on here so that you can have the talk. To create the conflict. It's such a pussy move.

Anyone listening who does that. Like you did that in your younger years when you were less mature. Yeah. But dealing with that, I mean. Please, no one. People are, you know, when you're in your 30s, I always think about like, oh, 15 years. I'm 50 years old. And when I was a kid, I thought that was like a senior citizen.

So like time, you know what I mean? It is. Time is of the essence here. So don't fuck around with people, man. Yeah, don't mess with that's another. Like, yeah, when I get on these dates and I realize that they're not the one and they're not someone I even want to like know beyond that date, I get like this rage of my time being wasted that I just, and I hate them.

And I really like feel this anger towards them. And I got a I got a I got to stop that because it's not nice. And I just plan exits. Like even if it's going well, we're going to we're going to end at a certain time. I have to be somewhere. But if I really like them, I can always push it around. Push it a little bit. Yeah. How about DMs? I was curious about this because like athletes the you know the the

stereotype of like a male athlete is they have a bunch of groupies and they have like all these hot DMs and pictures of boobs just pop up. You know what I mean? Which is not true. I don't know if my lovely wife scares the shit out of women. Yeah, she probably does. Or your wife is too hot. I googled her.

I was like, okay, is this guy married? You always put in a name and then you put wife. And yours popped up and I go, good Lord. What is this? There we go, man. I was like, oh my God. I don't even like, because you know every time I do a podcast and it's like a guy, I will automatically be like,

what does he look like, you know, I'm not doing this to get a husband or to get dick, but it's like, oh, if it so happens to be, because these are like dates a lot of times when fucking your sidekick isn't there. But like a lot of times podcasts are like dates in the sense that like you spend sometimes an hour or more with someone talking about real stuff. And then you're like, like, like this person. So yeah, I Googled you. And then I saw your wife and I was, I literally just did it in the car. I go, is he married? And I, and I typed in, like, here she is. Chris Long. Well, my God, you're seeing my. my searches and I don't want to your history it's like king literally I watch so much porn that

kink.com is my most is king.com free no dude I pay for my porn oh my god yeah she pays for porn yeah dude I pay for my porn because and and porn hub because I go to I just kind of I feel like I got into really got it I always say this because I've been watching a porn really long time but I feel like I'm I don't know how to search it. I am such a novice. I feel like my mom like I'd have to double click on things. You know how parents all double click on everything? It's just like I don't know how to navigate it.

So let's pretend like you guys watch porn, which I'm sure you don't. Yeah, but if we did, we would, yeah, certainly know our way around. Yeah, well, tell me how you would search it because for me, I am very specific about my taste. And so when I'm horny and I'm going, I'm sifting through all this stuff, I'm just like, I will get unhorny because of the stuff. pops up. Oh, yeah, yeah, the pop-up stuff. Like, whoa, what the fuck is that? No, like, not a pop-up, like, you're scrolling. If I were watching porn at any point, like, I would probably be scrolling and then see something that just totally kills the vibe, just passing you by on the side of the road,

like on the side of the porn street. Yeah, and you go, I guess people are into that. I didn't know that was the thing. It makes me feel good sometimes because I'm like, people are into, like, there was one the other day. It was like, hairy. assholes like a guy like wanted a hairy woman's asshole and I was like I can't believe someone would like what I have going on right now we have a friend we got a buddy a good friend yeah yeah I can't do it there's a guy we know that loves Harry Bushes yeah like that's like the thing that gets you know what is that first of all thank God for that person that's great for 40 years too late you Well, not for me. No, I, there's always girls that can get there. I mean, I was getting laser hair removal because of the just, I was tired of not being ready. Like, because sometimes you're just like, oh, this would be nice to do something tonight with this person.

I don't really hook up on a first, like a first night kind of thing anyway. Not in a pandemic. Well, no, not in a pandemic. Yeah. I saw what you said about like, I'm practicing abstinence because I'm living with my parents. I'm giving up sex to keep my mom. live or I don't know what she said, but yeah. Yeah. I, well, I mean, I was doing it before that. I've been on quite a dry streak for a while since I haven't had sex since June of 2019. And I like,

I think the last, I know. And the last penis I saw was like January right before the pandemic. And it wasn't a, I mean, I don't know how dirty you guys get on the show. So I don't want to go too far. Yeah. He's a real estate agent. So sometimes it he worries about slinging. We realtors have a code of ethics. but that's really the only thing you really seem to you guys are such moral people um i uh look at judgment 15 in i love it uh yeah well all i was going to say is the last time i's we don't watch porn nicky you watch the porn yeah i know well i'm explaining to you guys what is out there right now and it's i just want some direction i want some guy who's been at this a while to be like

hey this is the best way to search this is the best way to find where you're looking for because when i type in categories like I'm like oh okay I like let's say I like gang bangs right but then you put that in then you get so much that sometimes they're not even gang bangs I'm like where's the gang and this is just two guys that's not a gang that's a yeah that's the property brothers coming over and like I want a whole team of gentlemen and you want you want HR there you want you want you know I want the whole I want it to be it looks like you're having sex with the Dave Matthews man. I also like that David Matthews man.

The diversity. That's where we left. Yes. Oh my God. That's so hot. The bumper sticker. It's probably all over St. Louis. I mean, St. Louis people love D.M.B. Oh, we love the lady on. The lady on fire bumper sticker. Yeah, yeah. The fire dancer. It's everywhere. Back to porn, though. Wait, what were you going to say about her? I was just going to say it's, do you know the fucking bumper sticker? I always think it's good. Yeah, but like, does it have to do with

Charlottesville? Good follow up, Nikki. I had no idea where he was going. Okay, thank you. That's the way my brain works. Okay, so back to porn from the fire lady. Please, yeah. Great actresses, underrated Thespians. Is that, is it Thespians or Thesbians? Yeah, Chris, I got, no, I don't, I don't like acting in porn.

I don't like, that's another thing. I don't like these women that are, um, that act too much. I know a real orgasm when I see it and I really only like real orgasms in porn. And there's not a lot happening in porn. Really? So it's really, it's really hard for, to find. There just aren't. Really?

There's some that are having a good time. That's encouraging for a lot of guys, I feel like. Tell me why. Well, because a lot of guys are probably thinking these guys on the pornos are getting it done 10 out of 10. And it's happening every time. And they're serving their partner every time. But you're hearing it, guys. It's not true.

No, you know, for me at least, maybe some of these guys, maybe some of that's happening. But I just feel like for a woman to have an organism most. women, a lot of women, I don't want to say most, require more than just vaginal intercourse. They need something else too. We're so simple as a species. We just do that over and over, and it's going to happen. I know. We need, like, you to be doing that plus something else, plus saying the right thing.

For me, it's very much about what the guy says. Like, I honestly, anything could be happening in the porn. But if a guy, and if anyone who's listening that makes porn, please. heed my advice right now and make a porn where the guy says, just make a genre of porn where the guy says good girl a lot during it when she does

filthy things. That's all we want. Oh, that's good girl. Good girl, good girl. Like, say that during sex. Anyone who's listening that wants to up their sex game, you tell your girlfriend, good girl. She will, like, you'll feel a shift. It is, it's, a secret that no one knows about, but every girl really knows about and we talk about.

You should be charged. This is the advice at the bottom of one of those obscure sites you Google like sex secrets that you have to get behind the paywall and Nikki's giving it to you for free guys. I'm just, I'm hoping a guy that I sleep with someday listens to me on one of these podcasts I do

where I like literally lay out exactly how you're supposed to do stuff. Yeah, it's kind of right there. Challenge us sexually make us, I mean for me it's like I am someone who I like sex is just just so simple for guys. Like you said, like you just do one thing over and over and then you're like done. But like for me it's I have to like achieve something and be told like good job. Like I have to be like,

I have to have been broken in some way and like push through my limits and that's why I enjoy anal. No, but I mean probably why that I've done that before is because like oh my god that's the craziest thing you can do. If you do that you're the you're the biggest whore ever. But yeah, I just You want that stamp of approval from the guy. Do you ever worry? I have a huge fear. I have a huge fear. I would if I watched that type of smut.

Right. I would have a fear of dying of a heart attack and being found with my browser open. Okay. Yes. I do understand that fear. I don't have it. I literally, I just showed you me Googling your wife and then it came up on my thing as, you know how? If you're just listening to the podcast, what was on my phone?

When you open up like Safari and you click, it says frequently visited and the only one is kink.com. That's the only frequently visited. I don't even know how. I don't watch it that much. But that's how willy nilly I am. I don't even like think about it. You got to be careful screen recording. You know, I don't care because I'm not watching anything illegal.

I know that about myself. So as long as it's legal, some of it is embarrassing. There are some days where I'm like, no one needs to see this. and if they might infer something about me from my porn search. What is the ideal number in your ideal gang bang? Okay. This is not for me, by the way. Like, I want to be clear about girls that like this stuff.

It does not mean they want it. Yes, I do. But it usually doesn't. I don't know what I do. It, like, scares me. I think that I kind of watch this porn that I'd be like, oh, my God, would I ever do that? No, I couldn't. I wouldn't want it.

But I would say the perfect number, if you were to shoot a porn, if I could generate, like, my ideal one, it's probably like, 70. Oh. It probably, no, it's probably 1,700. No, it's like, I would say it's three at least, but here's what I hate about it the most is that a lot, and you truly can't find this gang bang anywhere, where the guy isn't also. having sex with the girl's head. And the girl can't, like, she's getting a lot down there, right? Maybe sometimes two things down there. And then her head, she also can't breathe during it.

I mean, it's just absurd to me that they can't just let her enjoy it and sit back and, like, rub her shoulders or, like, comfort her or whisper good girl. But she has to have, like, you know, her head being just pounded. And it's like, that always takes me out of it. I'm like, God, this is so good, except they're just being so mean to one end of her. It's one step too far. Yeah, but they just can't help themselves. Guys are just sitting around bored at a gang bang and they're like, oh, whole.

Like, they have to find something. They can't. Oh, my God. And then sometimes they're, yeah. What? I like that. I'm like, yeah, do it yourself. And sometimes the guys will have their faces blurred.

And I'm like, oh, are you embarrassed? And like the girl is just like her asshole. You can see inside her asshole. And I'm like, this guy is blurring his face, but we've. I can see inside this woman. It's just absurd. These women are so strong and brave. I really am like,

I always like salute at the end of it. I'm like, you are a, just a hero to me that you were able to put yourself out there like that. Hard right turn into stand up comedy. I was thinking about things that would scare me as much. Yeah, it would think,

it's thinking about things that would scare me as much as like having sex on camera would be like trying to be funny on camera or like funny in front of hundred people. Like how does, do you, do you fear it at all, like ever? Yeah.

I mean, when you say it like that, I really just like, felt it. Like, whoa, that is terrifying. Yes.

To me. I, it is scary. And it, I used to have terrible stage fright. Like, when I was in seventh grade, I'd used to have to give presentations

during recess alone with the teacher because I couldn't stand in front of the class. I had debilitating like shakes. and nerves, couldn't sleep before a class presentation, all of that. And then I just somehow got over it. I don't know how. I just kind of forced myself to. But sometimes the fear that you're going to like shit on camera, like the worst case

scenario of like nobody's going to laugh. Once you live through it, first of all, the first set you have, once you take the initiative to do it, if you have a, the first set is usually really good. If you know any comedians, ask them about their first set, are for, time on stage and generally they killed because they had friends there the audience cut them some slack because it was the first time and that you get that rush of like whoa this feels amazing to get laughs so then you do it again and then you bomb almost immediately because your friends don't come and people don't care and you're shitty because you just started right and then you feel how bad it can feel

but then you also know oh my god it could feel so good and you always are chasing that first time but if you bomb the first time you probably won't go back and um it is scary I mean I mean, there's times that I'm on stage. Like, it happened this past weekend, especially now that I'm not doing stand-up every single night. Right. And I'm just doing sets here and there. The other night, I was like in the middle of telling a joke and I didn't remember how it ended. Oh, fuck.

And I was like in my, you know, I can tell jokes and think about my grocery list or what I'm going to eat later. You know, like I can be out there. But I was just in the middle of a joke and I just go, oh, wait, how does this end? And I was just stuck. And it was kind of excited. because I was like, I don't know what's going to fucking happen right now. And like, it's so scary. It's so scary. And I got heckled last week for the first time pretty abrasively. And I'm not someone who does crowdwork. People think that I'm really good at like

roasting and like, oh, I don't want to sit front row at Nikki Glazer's show. But it turns out that I honestly don't even talk to the crowd at all. Like I just do an hour straight. I don't talk to anyone. I don't do any crowd work. But I'm trying to open myself up to it because it is so fun for people, but I'm really scared about being bad at it because it's not going in with a plan. And like you're saying, the reason I don't get nervous about I'm not going to say anything funny is because I've tried this stuff out before and it's all funny. And if it's not, if it's a new joke and I don't know, I can bolster it with things that I know work around it. But when you're doing crowd work, you really are like, I don't know what I'm going to say. And I got heckled last

week and it put me on the spot to like, first of all, I was really offended at this guy's outburst because he was like 15 minutes in my show and he just, I guess, grabbed his whole table. He was like with his wife and like kids, like, you know, like adult children. And he like rallied them up in the middle of the show, made a bunch of commotion. And then I was like, what's going on over there? And he's just like, you suck. You're not good. You're bad tonight. I came here for you and you're just, you're off tonight. And I was just like, So I'm personally offended because that's my biggest fear is like being off, you know, and like not being as good as people want me to be.

And just it just kind of affirmed everything I was scared of like, I am bad. I was like, so part of me was like, what's the problem sort of like, what, what did you want from me and how can I give it to you? Right. You like immediately just became like service oriented. Like, hey, how can I help you rather than like fuck this guy, dude? Yeah. Fuck this mother's because thank you.

And that's the way I should have felt. But it's, but that inherently shows as a comedian, I'm deeply insecure and I want everyone to like me. Even this fucking asshole who made a big, I wouldn't even want that guy in my life. I wouldn't want to know that guy that would make a scene at a place because he didn't like the product he was getting.

I mean, that's absurd behavior. Anything else that he said on any other topic, you'd probably be like, I don't, why would I care what guy with the mustache says? Yes. But instead I was like, why don't, why doesn't this guy like me?

And it's funny because I had done a bit right before that about how aging as a woman is really sad because I put so much of my, um, self-worth in my looks and having that men might want to have sex with me. It just, it means a lot to me and I wish it didn't, but it means a lot because, you know, men have a lot of power. And if they want to have sex with you, they're kind of like weakened and then you can like steal from them. It's just like a bit. That's like why I want to be fuckable. And I told this story right before this outburst. Good luck having sex again in 2020. I know, I know.

Well, no, we don't know. We don't know for sure. Well, just, yeah, just, you know, put your stuff in a safe before we fuck. Yeah, so I had said that and I was saying that it's so absurd because I even want like men that I hate to like want to have. sex with me still. Like it's, it doesn't, it doesn't make sense because it, so it's not about wanting to have sex with them. Like, oh, this literally happened to a homeless man accosted me and my friends on the street one night after I was hanging out with, we were just on the street talking after dinner. And I have really hot friends and I'm very insecure about it. But this night I was just like

dressed like shit and they were all cute. And this guy came up and was like being really obnoxious. And I was just like, my friends were being polite. And I go, dude, leave us alone. What the fuck. Like, he was so gross, had like poop on his face. He's discussing. And he goes, I'm not trying to talk to you. I'm trying to talk to your friends. I would never fuck you. And I was like, so sad. Like, I couldn't believe how sad that made me that this man with literally poop on his face wouldn't fuck me.

He's got shit on his face. Yeah. And I was like, why doesn't this guy want to have things with me? And then the guy that heckled me when he left, he goes, you suck. This show sucks. You, he was like, I believed in you. I'm a fan and you were off. And he goes, and by the way, I would never fuck you.

He did he do. And I was like, no. And that's what I knew he was an asshole. I was like, okay, this isn't about my performance. It turns out I said Mike Pence's name in a joke. Just reference Mike Pence. Didn't even say anything bad about him. And this guy was just so trumped up that he was just like, you know, one of these guys that's just waiting to be like, oh, I want to fucking talk about Trump.

You mean a sensitive little bitch. Yeah. And he like, he heard me say Mike Pence. And he was like, that's enough. You're off tonight. And I was like, I am so sad for your wife who was going to get a severe beating later on because of your mood tonight. I was like, someone follow her home and protect her. You know, it was just, it was honestly very sad because he was so angry.

And he had his, like, family, like, walking behind sheepishly. Like, oh, they know this. Oh, dad's doing this again. Politics are ripping families apart right now. Oh, I know. It's, it's bad. I don't know how I'm going to come out of this

in terms of like how I feel about my fellow Americans I haven't been outside because I don't want to see anyone Your dad seems like a nice man My dad is a nice guy My dad is definitely I'm living with my parents They're both so cool

It's so weird to be living with my parents At the age of 36 And I'm like successful and don't need to be doing this But I don't have a family in my own And I just wanted to be with people I love during this weird-ass time. There's nothing weird about that at all, dude. What?

I love living with my parents. The only problem of living with my parents is that the last time we did it last year, year of award 2019, which was so much better. My wife and I, Meg, were waiting on our house to get built. So, you know, we stayed with them for maybe six months. Yeah. And, you know, plenty of room for the kids and all that. But I think eventually the kids, it's just the nighttime routines and wake

them up and shit like creaking on the floor and getting to the kitchen anyways the problem is it's it's cohabitating it's not like seeing that I love like eating dinner with my folks they live five minutes away from me yeah I see them every day there are my kids every day so like I don't think that's fucking weird at all like I would live like I miss my childhood dude like openly you know what I mean like you're just being you're just being honest about it you're just like living with your parents in your 20s was so uncool. And then it like boomeranged in your 30s and you're like, man, I really want to live with my parents. Okay. I am really relieved that you feel this way and that if you were in my same circumstance without like a family of your own, you'd probably be doing the same thing.

Because it's like my parents are fucking cool and nice. And I like you said, I would, I love being with them for meals and stuff. It is the cohabitating thing though. That's like it just becomes a little much. And I don't know what to do with it. Like I don't know where to go next. looking for a husband or just looking for anything to not really looking for a husband but I'm looking for something to like pull me somewhere because I don't I don't know where to live now right I'm a refugee I don't know man like I do get stressed about being old you know what I mean like you were talking about like getting stressed about looking old and shit like I get stressed about looking old this motherfucker really gets stressed about looking old I don't but you're right about

you you do yeah please crow's feet I love them I think they're distinguished great yeah let's go birds Yeah. Oh, my eyes. Yeah, I mean, that's interesting to hear from a male perspective because you just don't think that men struggle with it as much, but I know men are obsessed with their hair lines. Fuck yeah. Oh, I mean, that's the biggest thing.

Both of us. I've always had high peaks, and I've always had these bags under my eyes. They're not bags, they're circles. They're dark circles. Yeah, I don't see them. This isn't an aging thing. Nikki, can you see my mustache at the moment? Kind of. It's very small. Yes, yes, I can. Okay. Good. You honestly look like 24. I don't know how old you are, but you look really young. Are you that young? I am 34. Okay. Yeah, you have a young vibe. It might be that you're dressed like a seventh grader, so it might offset the 34 and then somewhere we land in the middle somewhere, but.

That's his uniform. And you know, the funny thing is, it's true. He looks good. He looks good. There we go. He looks good. You look good. And he's looked the same since we're We were kids. We went to high school and middle school and shit. So like, this checks out. He's looked the same. Nikki and I both have English degrees. Yeah.

Oh, good research. Fluent. You really cucked me on that research. Hey, Nikki, Nikki, your initials are NRG, which is kind of like the word energy. And do you find that as cool as I do?

Because I do. You know I do. You're the only person who's ever said anything about it. And you thought about it? I've known that my whole life and I always used to tell people and no one thinks it's cool and I'm like, it's so cool. It's very cool.

Thank you. Thank you. Oh my God. Yes. I mean, I like have in my childhood bedroom, I have an NRG on like the wall because I used to be like, you know,

I wanted to broadcast that. I think it's the coolest. That's the problem with living with your parents as an adult male. And I don't have one of those trophies still up on the wall, bedrooms and whatnot. I'm also married. So when I'm, you know,

I hopefully don't need to do that. my parents out. But how do guys feel when they move back in and they're jacking off in front of their fucking basketball trophies and shit and the Wheaties box and the poster of Carl Malone? Like that's got to suck. That's the only downside for adult males living with their parents. Why? Because you would just be reminded of what a loser you are.

Yeah, you're doing the same thing you've been doing for the last 25 years. Except you're just back in your bedroom. I know. And it's, you're alone. It's not like trading stocks in your bedroom. you're masturbating the same place you did when you were 15. Like, what the fuck? Like, I'm, I'm good because I didn't masturbate until I was like 20 something.

And so I'm bringing it back. My bedroom's never seen masturbation. And so it's like, it's appalled. It can't believe what's going on. Yeah. It's, well, it's good talk. Literally. I really, I never touched myself.

I mean, I was dying forward in there. I used to like, I used to sit, sleep underneath a, uh, uh, poster of Dave Matthews and just like was so horny. I just didn't know what to do. No one ever told me that you could just like rub on something. Ha. He still is. I just watched some like he was singing some kind of like election, you know,

hymnal. And I was like literally getting turned on from him like singing about how the world's ending. I saw that you, you freaked out of a Rob Lowe at a roast. That was more a little bit of stuff. Yeah, he was really, he was just so hot. Like a hot guy like someone.

that's that attractive, just the same way, like, guys are with, like, supermodels. When, like, a woman's just, like, alarmingly beautiful, they're just, like, like, I was like that around him. I couldn't help myself. I, it makes you feel alive again. You're like, oh, good. I guess I'm straight. Dave Matthews is essentially from Charlottesville, Virginia, and Rob Lowe, born in Charlottesville,

Virginia. Whoa. Okay. Would you consider the hotbed? The middle of Virginia for your next stop. Yes. I have, I'm taking application. We're also a navy blue state, by the way.

Okay. Wait, did he win? No, he lost Virginia. No, he won Virginia. He did? Yeah, we're blue. Okay, sweet. Oh, good.

Okay, then yes. We better check Twitter to make sure Donald hasn't claimed it. I got to make sure. That's a good point. Yeah, what did he say he did? Because that's what I'm going off of. I don't even know why some of these people. And like, listen, like I said yesterday, I don't hate you guys.

the 50% of America that even with a Biden win has me just fretting. 46. Yeah. The next 50 years of my existence just I need a 50 year break from these guys. That's it. I don't hate you. I'm not,

the dude from the last four years, I've never been a partisan politics person. I've never been hateful. I literally he brought the hate out in me. So I'm done hating people, including the people that voted for him. Me too. I just need to know who you are. Like, just tell me, if we have like a meaningful relationship, shoot me a text.

And just be like, hey, I voted for him. Just tell me if you care. Because if not, like, that's always going to be an elephant in the room that only one person knows. Thank you for saying that. I am so upset. I don't mind the people that are blatant about the fact that they voted for him, the ones that put the flag in the front yard and the signs and the bumper stickers. Great.

Thank you for letting us know where you are. so I can try to avoid being friends with you and knowing you. I'm not going to completely avoid. But I also respect that you know what you told us what you're going to do. But you sneaky bastards that when people said who you were voting for, you go, I don't want to talk politics. And then you go in there and you vote for him. You are pathetic.

You are a coward. If you had just admitted it, it's fine. But you didn't. And you went in there and you knew you were doing something bad. And that's why you didn't tell anyone you're shableness. of it and you should be. You jacked off in your childhood bedroom. Yes.

And yes, please send me a text as well, anyone who I know that vote for him. But I would like to know. And then I would like to have a discussion. But it's hard. I'm out of discussions, man. I mean. Like, and I'm not just like you having the patience to continue, like to have them. I've had friends before they were like, Chris, stop discussing this stuff with people.

And they're right. Because I haven't seen a single mind be changed. I don't know. Especially arguing online. It's like pissing into a hurricane. It's just like, why are you doing it, dude? I've never seen somebody be like, you're right. Have you ever seen those words typed?

It's so true. It's never worked. And I think that's what we all realized is like there's, we knew that in 2016 after he won. Like, how do people like him? Okay, maybe we'll try to like show them how bad he is when he finally gets in office. And then they still don't, they still don't, they still don't, hair. No, I'm good. I'm good right where I am. It's there's no, the building's on fire, sir. There's no convincing. It's, I honestly think it is a, um, brain abnormality that I don't have like,

that some people have that something in their brain, like I can't understand. They can't understand me and I can't understand them. Oh, God, I have to like date and like weed out these people. Like, I mean, it's just, it's got a, that's got to be the number one question probably. Um, but you get a sense right away. If someone's just like, I don't want to talk about it. You just go, I know how you voted. Nick, are you getting any McConaughey vibes from me? Um, yeah, do you, yes, um, in the sense that, uh, you seem high. I don't know. Um, he seems high. I, do you get that a lot? I actually was on a date with the guy last week and a homeless man came up to us and goes, are you Matthew, to my date, said, are you Matthew McConaughey?

And it looked at me and I could tell he was like, why are you with this handsome? He was like, are you as publicist or something? But no, I really did feel like his assistant or something. And yeah, do you get that a lot? Do you get, I'm trying to squint and see you or I'm trying to squint and make it so that you do look like him. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I actually do see it. I see, you know what I see is like a tired Brad Pitt? Okay. I'll take that. Yeah, sure. Also, interviewing comedians, it's intimidating. Comedians are intimidating people, man, because you guys have to have, like, big balls or whatever the opposite of that would be.

I know what's the opposite. I hope you know that, like. Big Latvia. No. Yeah, big labia. There you go. Yeah. You heard me on Stern.

I did. Congratulations, by the way. Apoc. You're the research cuck guy, dude. Come on. Yeah. He does. He knows, yeah, he was Googling me lightly.

And looking at my most recent Instagram, I mean, the things he's polling are not that deep. They're like, they're a half a page down on Wikipedia. Yeah. Though I don't go the Wikipedia. I go two roads diverging in yellow wood. I go the one less traveled. I go YouTube. Oh, you go, okay.

Because I want to, he's getting a shallow kind of representation of who you are. I'm getting the, I'm getting multifaceted. Yeah, exactly. A 3D. But you guys are, you guys are. You guys are intimidating to interview because I always think of you guys as like having the big balls. Like you're not afraid of anything. You're also like really witty.

Like in witty people can oftentimes be kind of cynical. You know, like, and you seem way less cynical than like a comedian would be on stage. Like if I watched you, I think you're way drier than you are like to talk to. You know what I mean? Yes. It's much more warm in person. It's intimidating. It's like, you know what I mean?

It's musicians are really intimidating for a different reason to interview because they're so fucking deep. Serious. And they're so particular about their art. Because if you ask them the wrong way about like, if I asked you, hey, I saw you on X show the other day and you weren't on X show and you were a musician, you'd be like, I wasn't on X show. And then the interview's dead.

And they have no sense of humor. So they can't really, and they're not used to like having banter and talking. And so they can often be really awkward, not good interviews. And you really have to do a lot of heavy lifting. No, I used to interview for my, um, see, I had a show on. serious that I did daily and we had celebrities in and it would stress me out so much about how intimidated I was at people that would come just actors, musicians, just anyone like famous and I would get so intimidated and so scared so I relate to that but just know that every comedian is

so insecure and so worried about looking cool or like we're not yeah there's nothing to be scared of. Comedians are just little babies. And, um, but I do, I do relate to that feeling. I mean, I, uh, I hate it. I hate that feeling of like interviewing someone new. It's like a date. You're getting to know someone new and like you actually have to make them look good and know about them. And the time, the time, like, I just am like, fuck, I know how busy I am. I know also like how many interview requests people get. And you're like, dude. And I'm, I try to pay it forward. And if I'm on somebody else's pot, I try to say yes to as many things I can. Also, I'm bad at saying no. which is a fucking character flaw.

I researched you and made a conscious yes about this, but I've said no to a lot of podcasts. Really? I'm with you, dude. It's so hard to say no to things and it's a skill that I've just learned. So I try to be nice and go on people's shows, but I know that like, I just, I know that not everybody's is nice and as fucking soft as me and not right.

Like as far as like, I'm not one of these like, I don't think of myself as somebody that is a public figure or like I'm getting and bothered all the time. I'm just fucking busy. That's it. But some people feel just so above somebody asking them do something. They almost feel like sometimes when I have somebody on before the interview,

I'm like, it's going to be a favor type thing. And I'd hate to fuck this up. I'm wasting their time. But it always turns out to be great, man. Yes, that's the thing. I had Matthew McConaughey on last week. I know. What the hell? Yeah, well, he's doing 100 podcasts. I mean, he's

all over the place, but still, that was so cool. But it was cool, but I was intimidated as fuck. I was in two days fuck. What the fuck? Did you have a joint before that one? No, because I really like... You wanted to be on your game. Yeah, because he had a book.

And I really read the book. And I'm not saying this proudly. My ADD doesn't, the way my ADD is set up, I can't read books cover to cover. I read his book cover to cover. But I opened the fucking interview with, he comes on Zoom and I'm like, Matt, thanks for coming on because I'm not a big like Matthew guy.

I'm a fucking moron because he only goes. was by Matthew, there's a chapter in the book about how his mom wanted him to only be called Matthew. And for a minute there before the interview, my fucking balls were up in my sternum because I was like, fuck. That was my version of on a football field like first play getting just trucked and embarrassed. And from there, it just was awesome. He was so cool. And in my head, for 48 hours after, I was thinking about how much I pissed Matthew McConaughey off. Matthew McConaughey probably didn't even fucking think about it five seconds after. No, he did it. And he didn't probably even catch the Matt thing.

He corrected him. He corrected me. You did? He corrected me. But I'm sure it was funny. He was super cool about it. And I'm sure you were like, you have a chapter about it. Then you proved that you like knew and you probably made the mistake because you had read the chapter and been like in your head about it.

I was in my head about it. But it's also just like I did it. And I hate doing this. I'm not being name dropy. But we had we've had a great run of guess. Ian, thank you. Also Nikki Glazer. Amazing.

a couple weeks here. We had Eddie Vetter, Matthew McConaughey, Nikki Glazer, and two days before you thought I would have learned my lesson because I felt like a moron after I had Eddie Vetter on and I kept calling him Ed. Called him Ed. The problem is he probably doesn't give a fuck but I don't like calling people by their full name. If you don't call me

Nick, I'm going to be offended almost by the end of this. Really? Yeah, yeah, we got you got to give me a nickname. Energy. Energy. Yeah, energy. Okay. He's the nickname guy. Oh my God. That makes me so nervous and like

fucking something up like that and then having it be in your head the whole time. I'm so glad you were able to drop it and that he was able to make you comfortable enough that you were like you could ease in and have a good time. But yeah, those, the first- I don't think he cared as much as I thought. So I was just like, that just goes to show you

it's never as scary as you think it is. You know what I mean? Yeah, but if you didn't get nervous, like, oh, you'd, you'd fuck more shit up. And you constantly are, I hate this business because you, constantly have those things that are amazing opportunities, but make your life hell before them because you're so nervous. And you're like, but this is why I do this is to have these amazing

opportunities. But I have so much stress before them. And then after them, second guessing everything, oh, did he hate me? Why didn't I say this? Why did I say that? That I'm like, should I be doing this for a living? I think I'm miserable. Yeah. And I was like 70% of successful before I got X, position or opportunity. That's the thing that's crazy to me. What's the comedic version of getting the Monday night football job? Like we know that as

the Monday night football job. I've always said this is everybody fucking wants it. They're so horny for it. They just fantasize over it. And then they get it and the whole country makes fun of them. And then they're the Monday night football guy forever when they leave the booth in a year and a half. And you got the job, but then your whole career after

that's like you're that guy that was just fumbling in front of however many millions. of people are watching this thing. What's the comedic version of that? What's the gig? Okay, so what you're telling, because I don't know anything about Monday Netford, but you're telling me that this is a thing

that's like a coveted spot, but no matter what you get on it and people will not like you, it happens every time. It's just one of those things. It's like, you better be careful what you wish for because the, the lights are bright, dude.

You know, like in that heat, you can really feel it. And if you log on Twitter, 16 Mondays out of the year, people are just crushing you. like anything you do. Yeah, okay. You know, I think it is,

what's been, like a late night job or something? No, because a late night job, like, when you first start a late night job, I assume that people just like pile on and like want you to be bad because you are bad, but once you figure it out,

people are on your side. And then doing like, for a comedian, like performing stand-up on a late-night show, you're usually so prepared and it's like a showcase that you're ready to go. I'm trying to think of like the best showing that you can have. I mean, the biggest thing for me has been like going on Rogan, going on

stern, for me sitting on a couch next to Conan, those things that I don't have a script. Like, if I do stand up on Conan, I've got it. I'm fine. I can test out that material. Boom, I'm good. If I sit on the couch next to Conan, that can go anywhere and I could blow it. And that is terrifying. So I think those big, Rogan, I mean, is the biggest thing that can change your life overnight. now it's like you're the most famous person in the world like there's people in russia and basements watching you and shit i know i mean that's the number one thing yeah rogan and stern like going in there you see an immediate people will trash you i mean it's it's based on their fans like monday night football fans are probably like ruthless on twitter like they're they're you know they're like out for blood

yeah so if you bomb on stern and aren't like stern fans are hardcore so are rogan fans i mean my mom's a stern fan she's going to be psyched probably she probably heard your whole thing Oh, yeah, nice. Oh, good. Yeah, nice. It's like, great. I love that your mom's, that's cool. Your mom's cool. Yeah, she is cool. But I actually did my first kind of like foray into the football world the other night on like this past Thursday night for Fox. I did a segment with Sal, Jimmy Kimball's brother who was doing like the interstitials for it. And he was he just was talking about I'm really sorry because I don't know anything about football. But Todd Gurley. about it. Todd Gurley, my guy.

Okay. He fell in the ground. There he is. The bobbleheads right there, St. Louis Rams right there. Hi, Todd. Okay. So they were talking about Todd and how he scored a touchdown. And because he scored a touchdown, the other team was able to win, right?

Correct. Okay. So they were making a joke of that and they were like, oh, that's like, you know, a comedian. You can't expect him not to score. Then be like a comedian telling a punch or a setup to a joke and never the punchline. Right. Like, Nikki Glazer, could you do that? And then I get on and I'm like, okay, do you want to hear a roast joke?

So I told a roast joke. And they just, I was working with producers on it. And they were like, just ran a roast joke about Terry Bradshaw. And I was like, all right. Like, that's what you want. So I said that, you know, Terry Bradshaw is, I go, he's so, Terry Bradshaw is so old. And then I didn't say the punchline. And I go, actually, that's all I really wanted to say.

But then I said the punchline was, he's so old. He still uses the same mask he wore during the Spanish flu. It's made of old leaves. He just likes it or something like that. And it was just a dumb joke for the bit. Yeah. And then you can't be dirty on Fox. No, you can't be dirty.

And also I was like, I don't know what to make. It was just supposed to be a joke out of the ether. It was like no context. And then it looked like I was just like cruel to Terry Bradshaw because Terry Bradshaw, I went back to Terry Bradshaw and he's just like, I don't know who she is. Am I like, is in my birthday or something? Why would anyone be like, why am I being roasted? I'll check with him to see if he was upset.

Oh, tell him that I did, if you can, please let him know that it was told to me to write a joke about him. I did not, because I really think he was like, I don't know who that girl is and was like kind of offended. Yeah, my dad's the guy with the guy with the GI Joe haircut and the jaw on that show next to Terry. So wait. Yeah, what's your dad is, howie, howie. Your dad's Howie law? Yes, here she goes. Oh, oh, I know him.

Wait, how do, like, I definitely know how he like. Wow, that's cool. your dad speak of cool dad's is the haircut cool can I tell them the haircut's cool or what is it I haven't seen it yet so no you cannot oh it's a crew cut it's pretty cool for a what's he 60 something he's 60 yeah well good for him that's

that's a good it's probably a good look hey Nick thank you so much yes that felt so good oh my honestly was like caught off guard like oh my god are we like close and that we are because we hung out for an hour we'd love to have you come on again man You're the best. It was a lot of fun. It was so fun.

Hit me up. I'm open to it. Whatever you need it. Great Nick. See you, bud. Okay. Thanks guys. Great picnic. Got some donuts. Well, why don't we start there? National donut day.

You said you were going to get some exotic donuts. Quite frankly, these look like maybe not pedestrian donuts, but somewhere in the middle of those two descriptors. Well, I got some exotics here, man. I got a strawberry donut with. Do you now? Yeah. Okay.

I see like a cinnamon sugar. No, this is strawberry right here. Strawberry, marshmallow drizzle. Okay, that is weird and gross. No, well, actually it's not, it's peanut butter drizzle. Yeah, this is my most exotic out of the half dozen here. This is a strawberry glazed with chocolate sprinkles and a peanut butter drizzle. So are you-

This is a cold weather donut. Oh my God. He just kicked this shit out of the dough. Oh my God on National Donut Day. On National Donut Day. You just did that. I'd be lying if I'd say I didn't feel bad about this. I feel I feel super bad about this.

Oh, well, hey now, better than I thought. There are still two donuts. It's like a donut graveyard intact. It's like there was a donut plane crash. These chocolate sprinkles. everywhere. It's in. Lemon glaze is in.

They're in pieces. There's sprinkles everywhere. Half a cowboy reads blueberry is in. Half of your whatever peanut butter and jelly in. Now we have lost cinnamon sugar. Bro, the lemon icing with marshmallow drizzle is getting double-teamed by those other two donuts. That is true. That's true.

Golly day. We've had donut DP here. You're good with that? that? No, I'm not as bad as you thought. I'm not good with it, especially that cinnamon. One of these was for Waylon and one was for Luke. They can still eat those two. And you can cut the top half off of this one that's on the rug. That's the only part that Whalen eats. What are you going to tell me now? There's plenty of donuts in the world? No, it's not good. It's not good. I'm going to try to finish this podcast. I want to apologize for that. To the listeners. Yeah.

To you, the listeners, um, I, to be honest, I couldn't find my shoes this morning, so I had to put on these boots. God, they weighed 40 pounds.

And I didn't really. They went through fucking those donuts. They're a bit unwieldy, these boots. And, um, man, that's bad.

I've never seen anything like that. I've never seen anything so. I mean, is this a bad luck situation? I've never seen anything. so aggressive in my life. This is really, who kicks donuts? It's a blood bath down there.

I mean, sprinkles are everywhere. Don't you? It's like the scene in alive before the movie gets going. I haven't seen that. It's a plane crash. It's shit everywhere. And then they eat each other. And those donuts are eating each other,

cannibalizing each other. It's actually a pretty good picture I just took. You can have it. Oh, well, if anybody wants to see it, You got to go through a fucking, like, you got to go through a process to follow him. He's gone private. I'm going to, I'm going to give these picks to you to try to begin repaying you for destroying the box of donuts.

Unbelievable. We risked all types of diseases. The Grubhub guy left those donuts on the sidewalk, didn't even fucking call. During a pandemic, yeah. They're bench donuts. Yeah. Their side of the main drag bench donuts. They were there for eight minutes.

Do you think any other donut ever has had a bench and a rug experience? Spent time on a bench and then spent time on a rug. Fucking stone cold stuttered by fucking Maconeman's Timberlin boot. Is that Timberlin? These are these, I don't know how you say it. Is it Sorrel? Yeah, this boogie boots. At least if you're a donut and you're going to get kicked onto the ground.

plenty of donuts who have spent time on benches plenty of donuts find their way to a rug but a donut that spent both bench and rug time I gotta think they're not many and this cinnamon sugar is gonna go go down in the it's it's like to survive the bench thing and find a happy home

was like an uncertainty for these donuts for eight minutes yeah eight minutes they sat there and they wondered and then cowboy reed went and picked them up and they're like oh we're good we're going to get eaten, we're going to, we're going to nourish somebody. fulfill our destiny of being eaten.

But now they're not getting eaten. No, they're on the road. I can't help but feel a bit responsible for this. Did a ghost kick it? Did Dr. Melvin? I don't, I don't know. Is this, we are recording? We can go back to the tape, I guess.

We'll go back to the tape. It's hard to just, oh. we were about to talk about something. Yeah. Stone mailbag. Thank you for carrying this show. Greenlight faithful. What do we call them?

Friends of the program. Isn't that used widely? Yes. Other podcasts? Yes. Radio shows. But do they call their fans, friends of the program? Yeah, I think so.

So we probably should think of something that's more unique to us. So it's called the Greenlight Podcast with Chris Long. My name's on it as well, right? Yeah. Okay. Here's a question for you. I know how strategic you are about advertising. You pick really good signs and good locations

and they're aesthetically really nice to look at, by the way. Thank you. Very good. They don't look like you're soliciting. Like if you were a vendor, you wouldn't be the fucking obnoxious one that doesn't respect your space and doesn't relent.

Like you're the chill vendor, like in the corner. like, got some apples here, got some single family homes. That's your sign. Right. I know that they are expensive to procure advertisement, signage. Why don't you ever like say something about your business here on the podcast? Like, you know, just.

Well, did you happen to hear the last hour? That might, uh, yeah. See, I, I'm, uh, I'm trying to act as if I'm playing a character on. on this show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. And I don't know if I really need the synergy with podcasts and single families. But do you know like,

I'm not gonna go there with all birds or like any of these people. Like these motherfuckers pay us a lot of money. These motherfuckers pay us a lot of money. Some of these wonderful brands that we represent. Really? You haven't opened up the books for me to see. I haven't seen any of the financials.

I just get the same small ass VINMO on a biweekly basis sometimes. Huh. So you're saying there's a lot of income. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Wow. Oh.

All I'm saying is, that's fascinating. The point I'm making is you could get free advertising, man. All I can do is just talk about maybe a single family home you're listening at the moment. The problem is if someone in our area is listening to this content. Yeah. I don't know that they're trusting me.

Because you heard Nikki Glazer say the word gangbang? Like you said nothing except you did say the word gangbang first though. You drew first blood. Like you're the one who drove this podcast into the moral underground. I, uh, my lovely wife Kate lessons to stern with me. And, um, new Nikki was coming.

on the show. She likes Nikki a lot. Yeah, she loves Nikki. And, but we were, we were talking about maybe some of the things that were to be discussed. And boy, howdy were they? And Kate said, no one is going to work with you anymore. You realize that, right? Nobody is going to work with you. And I'm like, I think you'd be surprised by some of the things I've already said. How few people listen to the show. Yeah. Which calls into question, the advertising money. Maybe I'm puffing my chest out a little bit too much. We don't make any money making. Okay.

I'll show you the books later, but it's like, I don't even know why I'm doing this sometimes. Yeah. You and me both. NFL rule change asks, player has to take at least five snaps at each position. Who's number one in that draft in the NFL? This is why it would be beneficial for me to see the questions ahead of time.

But you also told me to hurry up. And I don't have an answer here. Can you read it one more time? Yeah, player has to take at least five snaps at each position, which player is the number one pick. So a current NFL player? Yeah. Okay.

Five snaps at each position. Man, I'm just putting fucking, I'm going to tell you who I'm, I might put Lane Johnson in there. Lane Johnson was a really good quarterback. That's what he was when he got to Oklahoma. Oh. Put him in Greg Roman. system.

Yeah. I mean, they fucking ran the ball for entire drives against the Steelers. The right answer to the question is a big guy who has a quarterback

background. Yeah, and I couldn't think of one before the show. I wouldn't prep, but like, Lane Johnson's perfect. There we go. Do we have another big man

quarterback? We got a bunch of small guys. We got your, we got your Greg Ward's, your Juleses, those guys. Maybe Cam. Cam.

Yeah, yeah, maybe Cam. Hmm, that's an interesting one. I wish I gave that more thought. It's a great question. NFL rule change. I redact my comments about your Instagram handle or retract. I don't redact it. I retract it. Hey, I got a question. Yeah. When you say recall correctly, incorrectly, how do you say it? If I recall recollectly. If I recall recreckly? If I recall recreckly. Recreckly. I was trying to say that around the

house all day yesterday. If I recall reclickly. Do you know where that comes from? No. Holy shit. You don't know where that comes from? No, I don't see a lot of things. Eastbound and down. Ashley fucking Schaefer outtakes. Oh, nice. In the fucking dealership. It's one of the best things on YouTube. And the thing I've seen. Okay.

If I recall, you're feeling your plums. Yeah, okay. And Craig's just cracking up. Can't, like, my favorite thing in the whole outtake is when Danny McBride is like, don't fucking laugh.

And like, he just, Craig cannot not laugh. And they're both just looking at Will Farrell. All you have to do is look at Will Farrell in person. And I think you have to really challenge yourself not to laugh. Yep. You got to think about something really sad. Yeah, it's just like, yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure. You have to just stare blankly at one spot on his face and think about your,

your late dog. My dog died in high school. Yeah. And you're just like, fuck. I miss, I do miss Biff and Grizzly. They were cool dogs. Now I can't, I don't know if I can keep doing this podcast. Um, you would be excited about that. Tech 44 asks, worst travel experience. I, I think I got something on an NFL level here. Okay. So 2017 we're playing the Chargers. That ended up being a big win and they were better than we thought coming to the game

and we were in a real dog fight. If you remember that, we played at that little stadium where they had to go on the silent count because the fans traveled so good. And Philip was still really good at that point. Philip, my rivers. Five and two right now. Philip, my rivers.

It doesn't make sense. I never read, but it was, Calvert Reid thought that shit was super funny. It's like, you know, Camer Reed sometimes, he won't laugh for a calendar year.

You come in here and say one thing, and I'm like, yeah, he is funny to me, that stupid motherfucker. I hate y'all. I hate both of you guys. I'm going to do this podcast on my own. John,

you better be laughing on the other end of this motherfucker. Shout out to John. He probably laughs at my jokes all the time. I should have put that in the job description. Must laugh at my jokes to make me feel good. So we're playing Philip Rivers, fill up my rivers. That is funny.

I don't know if it's funny. Let the people decide. I'm imagining somebody sitting in their Kia just staring at their fucking Spotify right now. Just like, what the fuck are these guys talking about? I'm sober, folks, for the record, and I think it's funny as hell. So it's always tough when you're playing Phillip My Rivers. Now we're the one stereo.

Was that during the drought, too? I think it was during the drought. I think it was during the drought, or was that not during the drought? I don't know, but if you were to say it again, I would have to be the one trying not to laugh at Will Ferrell's face. Yes. So why don't we just try to get to the travel portion? I did sack Phillip my rivers that day.

Took the ball right off him. It's funny because chased them down. We don't really have any rivers like to fill up. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't compute. The rivers in LA,

you got to fill those motherfuckers up. The ones that, that Ryan Gosling drove through. We look so fucking cool in drive. Looks so cool driving through those rivers. Also Terminator, I think there was a scene in the rivers. Fill up your rivers.

But those are filled up, I think, via aqueduct. Like ancient Rome. type shit. Hydraulics. You've seen the movie Chinatown? Why is that relevant?

Just answer the question. It's a simple question. Oh, okay. Chinatown. Yeah, Jack Nicholson. Yeah, no, I haven't seen that movie. It's about water. You might want to, you know, water boy.

Doesn't sound like it's about water. I know. Sounds like it's about Chinatown. Take a gander. It's a good movie. Okay. The question was, Oh, it was about the worst travel experience.

I had a doozy, man, because I hate flying long distances before games. And players, we always argue with coaches about going out two days before or going out the night before. Like, I prefer West Coast trips when I play for Jeff Fisher. We go out west. We'd always leave two days before. And it was awesome because I wasn't sleeping well at home. You really, like, get to a, like, San Francisco is a cool place to hang out. So you could just walk around, get some air.

Seattle's awesome, too. I love Seattle. So I like taking these West Coast trips. Doug Peterson doesn't do like two-day West Coast trips. He does like fly in like we're jumping out of an airplane and parachuting onto the field. I'm with Doug. You're with Doug. That's what you like.

Well, you don't, yeah. I mean, I'm not disqualifying your opinion. In and out. But you want your body to uncoil. I need my body to uncoil. Like if I'm sitting on an airplane for six hours of something people don't think about, not only are you dehydrated sitting on the airplane, you have to power. you have to pound water in the state you're in,

like your body's trying to heal itself, you're trying to get ready to play a football game. And I'm talking about the paranoia as a player. The recovery process is so arduous. That's the real game within the game, as far as being an older player. It's the minute your feet hit the floor on Monday morning, and it really fucking hurts, like really hurts.

And you're like, what? I used to be invincible. Like I'd just wake up on Monday morning. I'd go out and get drunk Sunday night after a game. I'm talking like perfect nutrition, three chiropractors a week, six hours on the table, body work, stretching, pool work, all that shit. And you still feel like shit until Friday night. So I want to be there Friday if I can.

So we get there and I'm sore. Hold on. Do you have a roommate? No. The good thing is that. That changes the entire game. Yeah, I haven't had a roommate for years. If you had a roommate, I definitely want to be in and out.

No. I can't deal with having a roommate. and the smell. Just like, I'm like an animal. I can smell the other scent. There's another scent here. I can't deal with, I tried not to be seen or heard,

but I can't handle making a noise and potentially inconveniencing the other person. It's a constant. Listen, buddy, I had a roommate named Cliff Ryan, Clifton Ryan. He's a great dude, one of my favorite teammates of all time,

loyal, loyal dude. And would come to our Chris Long Foundation events here at King Family Vineyards. and I'm talking like it's hard to get people to come from D.C. Although like the D.C. contingency shows up and it's awesome. Cliff Ryan will fly from Saginaw, Michigan here with nobody every time. Like that's a buddy. I used to room with him.

And when I tell you, I would hit him really fucking hard with a pillow to try to wake him up so he'd stop snoring. You would have thought he was dead, dude. I slept in the bathtub before. Yep. Been there. So I don't do the roommate thing. I called the cops on my own No, not the cops

I called the front desk On my own hotel room once It was Virginia at Southern Cal We should have won On a fake punt lost by three But a bunch of college buddies And they were doing drugs in the bathroom So I called the front desk to make a noise complaint

And I said room 248 And then the front desk said The room you're calling from sir As if I didn't know And I was like yeah that's right And then they knock on the door And then I'm like oh shit I was like oh no

This actually could be bad for the people doing drugs in the bathroom. You're a fucking narc. Yes. I was trying to sleep. Oh my God. This is like when you pack six dudes into one room. These are your Larry David moments.

Yeah. Like you literally called the front desk so you could sleep. On my own room because of people. You're Larry David, dude. Smoking drugs. You really are Larry David. In some way. We would put your mattress out in the hall.

There's no chance after they, there's no chance after I tell them that I don't know what the smell he's talking about is that I don't throw you out in the hallway Yeah I guess a good A good group of friends Maybe I didn't tell them that I had called I think I like was under the covers

Here's what was going on in the bathroom When I was about to play Philip my rivers Okay It's never not funny Bro I'm sitting there getting the best night of sleep ever My body's rejuvenated I feel like I'm in a space shuttle When they put you in those tubes

and that's how you feel when you get your best night's sleep Saturday night. And you wake up, it's one of these trust things. You get body work all the way through Saturday night, and you're like, I still feel like shit, you're anxious, and your hamstring might be tight, but you just go to bed faithfully knowing that, like, this is the night's sleep that tomorrow you're going to wake up feeling good. So it takes a whole week to recover.

I'm getting great sleep. I wake up out of the deepest sleep in the world because I just hear water. I hear a continuous drop, like loud, like a puddle. And so I'm like, where the fuck is that coming from? There's really a leak in this room. Oh, my God. I walk in the bathroom, man, and there is piss.

Damn, coming through the ceiling. Like there was a fucking demon in the hotel. There is piss dripping on my floor, and it is damn near running over the thing at the bottom of the door. What's that called? Thing at the bottom of the door. The threshold of the door. there is piss

threatening to breach the threshold of the door into my space I have things in the bathroom in the morning I have to wake up and what time is it at this point

420 in the morning so 420 430 in the morning okay that's stone mailbag well there's also something about that in the mailbag

in a moment how do you know it's pee how do I know it's pee because it reeks like piss wasn't hydrated it reeks like piss like piss and it reeks like piss. I mean, that's the big part. And then also it's not really that clear. So did it reek like piss? And literally, dude, if I wake up in the morning, like I get four

more hours sleep, five more hours sleep, what are you doing in that situation? Because at nine of the morning, I got to wake up, hurry up down to breakfast, put my suit on. That means I got to shower and climb over the piss, like put towels down and like, you know, like, or I got to change rooms, right? I got to change rooms. Is that what you would do? I don't unpack much at all, so I can get to another room quickly, so I would have, I would have changed rooms. No chance I was changing rooms. I went back to bed. I hit my pen like a fucking fiend. No, no even housekeeping. No, dude. I'm going to bed, dude. I got to go to bed. I could smell it. I could smell it in the bathroom faintly from my bed, but I needed to sleep, man, really bad.

Really bad. I slept like a baby until 9 a.m. almost. Well, 8 a.m., which is ironically like 11 a.m. East Coast time, but I just kept powering through it in the morning. Woke up, called security, changed rooms, and I was damn near late to the game, but I wasn't going to wake up in the middle of night. That was probably my first bad, bad travel experience. We've been at some bad hotels and whatnot, but I've never had piss coming through the ceiling. you shocked at how we tied that all together yeah that's a bad one and a good one kudos oh yeah well do you think i'm psychotic for sleeping through it i never thought about that till now no uh it's hard to put myself in that position yeah i again the hydration level of the gentleman or lady from upstairs also were they peeing or No, I think it was the, it's where the pee is stored.

You're talking like plumbing? I think there's plumbing issues upstairs. Yeah, I don't know why it wouldn't have run down the same chase of. Maybe there was some black water where the gray water was supposed to be. That's an RV term. If you got a, if you have an RV, you know that one. Micah asks, who would you want to speak at your funeral? Well, that's morbid.

And Micah, you know where my head is on a week like this. You are just doctor timing. with the stone mailbag question. It is a great question. Hey, J.B. Smooth. He would put it such a positive spin

on my existence. He would just, you know? Are worried at all? He wouldn't, he might steal the show. It's supposed to be about you. I don't want people to think about

me at my funeral. Oh, I do. I want people sad as shit, crying. You really do? Oh, yeah. You are definitely

trending Larry David. Not. You're willing to like if you if there was a choice between people being like he was awesome, that was fun. Remember that time? And then like let's all get drunk.

And then maybe like a bit of crying, scattered crying like off in the corners of the restaurant, the rooftop deck that I rented out for my funeral. You know like some people in the corner and they might like bust out crying for a second but it's not. the main event.

The main event is fun. You want like... I feel like you were going to give me a second option there, but you went all in on the first option because that was sounding pretty good. Yeah, okay, okay. But you don't want one of these

like funerals. Huh. That was probably aggressive. Let me read it. You don't want one of these funerals. You want one of those. Well,

yeah. I don't know. Yeah, I guess I want people to be really, really sad. Yeah. You're such an asshole.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not here anymore. J.B. Smooth. Okay. I'll say my dad. So that way, uh, he can outlive me. I like that. I don't want my dad to die.

Nobody, nobody wants their dad to die. Yeah. I also don't want my dad to be sad, though. So full circle, maybe I'm taking your fun. That's why I was looking at you like, golly, you are such a dick. I might take your fun funeral now. But then my dad. Ah.

man what a brain buster there micah okay now i'll have to go off the board i'm gonna go with the next one being kevin wait are you coming to a conclusion nope i just figured once you fumbled yeah i'm out you just totally inconvenience everybody else to save yourself yeah that was a masterclass in not thinking about anybody else well i'm sorry what i i guys it was you got admit it was funny first it's like I mean it was funny it was just funny dude and you know what let me just get to the next question I want some people to be sad as hell okay and who are those I don't know of smattering I want a smattering of people not knowing if they can go on okay and then I guess I want the majority to be feeling a flood

of emotion You're controlling your hypothetical funeral. Do you hear yourself? And then a few being like, that was the best person I ever knew. Your wedding planning your funeral. Yeah, that'd be cool. That's, you are, you're one of a kind.

Thanks, man. Like Larry David. Like a, like a bench rug donut. Exactly. Let's go. Kevin Neu asked, and I'll just answer this. so I can kill this.

At what age should you stop yelling it's 420 blaze it. I think he's joking. I think he's being funny. I think he did it about 20 minutes ago. But you should never fucking do the 420 thing. If I hear anybody, if you're selling or buying 420 merch,

you're a cop. I'd much rather be selling it than buying it. I'll put it that way because at least you're like this fucking sucker on the boardwalk is spending his mom and dad's money to buy a blaze it 420 neon tank. top. Yeah, I'd rather be the one selling it. Lastly, Mike EF 525. When did you first get high?

I'll tell it. I guess it was Christmas Day, Christmas Day 2004. I didn't smoke in high school because, and I don't think kids should be smoking, like, as young dudes. I mean, there's studies that it's inconclusive at best about, like, how it helps or hurts brain development and that sort of thing. I just wouldn't. It's one of those things I'll tell my kids like, listen, it's like having a glass of wine. Like, fucking wait until you're older. And, you know, my parents were, they were a tight ship. So I didn't, I just respected my dad's authority, as you would imagine. Try to. The boy got grounded sometimes, but not for that. I didn't do that. Um, and it was my freshman year. First year. Yep. First year. We're playing in the, uh, boy's

Boise Bowl. I'm in Boise, Idaho. And I hit the parking lot with a couple buddies. I won't say how many. About two. And we got stoned and I was like, what the fuck is this? And we went back to the room and watched Bring It On the Chearleading movie. Is Nick Cannon in that? I don't remember a thing about the movie except the, the cheerleading uniforms are green. And I just sat in the bathroom and laughed for a solid, you know, 30 minutes after. Was the TV in the bathroom? Nope.

I just had to leave the room because I was laughing. And I wanted to be by myself laughing. But a positive experience? Very positive experience, Boise, Idaho. Yeah. Boise is pretty. Did you know that? forget.

Boise is pretty. There's mountains and all types of things. There's only one ugly part of town and that's that blue field. Yeah. Yeah. Very, very patchy. A lot of seams.

I've played on it. A lot of birds meet their demise on that field. Did you know that? You didn't know that? You didn't know that? No, is that like a glass window sort of thing? Birds,

I'm not so sure they're good at like directions or reasoning. Yeah. You know, like it's just, I don't know what they're thinking in that situation. Carson Wentz, he's gonna cut that. Oh my god. What an asshole, he's gonna cut that.

It's hilarious shit. E-A-G-L-E-S-E-O-N- No, you know what? No, like listen, it's a harsh analogy. Sometimes I don't know what Carson's doing. I mean, lately especially, you know that. We talked about this show. I was gonna do when I felt like talking about football, he was gonna break down the Sunday night game

and what I saw from him. Here's the bottom line. Carson leaves the pocket, don't. Just don't, dude. Like, not unless you're sure, just don't. Like when in doubt, don't. You know, and that would be, if you can eliminate those things, man,

which I'm not minimizing, they're big fucking things. You get the heat off you a little bit. It just doesn't help when third play the game, you roll out, I think across his body, and you pump and you can throw it away, but who was it, 30 comes up with the sack and the ball, like third play the game. And then one of the picks was kind of pointless.

Corner the end zone, two people there. And the other, it looks like he's kind of bailing on the throw. And I don't blame him, because he's under siege a little bit, but sometimes he's under siege because he's holding the ball too long. So you brought up Carson, I locked in and did football for 90 seconds there.

Talented individual, huh? Yeah, you really are. Thanks. Really impressive stuff. Anyways, I want you to get home and, you know, the horse and buggy is gonna take a while to get to your house, so you should run along now. Okay.

Before you turn into a pumpkin, make. Get home, hurry. Oh my God, it's 707. Oh, we don't even have kids. Oh, but it's so it's infringing on our home life. I'm imitating you, not your lovely wife, Kate. I don't know. Was that supposed to be Kate?

No, was it supposed to be Kate? And the joke doesn't work because I just cut what I don't want. So, like, there's no, like, you can't scare me here because, you know, like, I go downstairs and I'm like, you know what? It does sound like Kate. I'm not going to cut it. But your carriage should be outside. I called you a buggy.

where are you from Australia I like regular sleep I do too but I haven't been able to do it you get sleep right now seriously I'm not even like being last two nights were later than usual yeah

yeah Tuesday was a was a 230 Wednesday was more like a one and we'll see what tonight holds we'll see how the night goes I mean we tried to just have fun and get away from it for a little bit I am of the belief that like

listen if you voted and you have like you can handle this situation however you want me i choose to stress and ruminate and all that shit but i'm not going to i'm not going to shout somebody down who's trying to just get away from it for the week so thanks for listening and uh yeah we'll see what happens y'all take care y'all take care