Green Light with Chris Long - Tom Segura! Weirdest Heckling Experience, Sexiest Bald Men & Wild Porn Story.

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

(2:02) - Tom, Chris & Kyle Talk Dental History, Physical Attributes & Staying Fit on Tour. (14:32) - Tom's Charlottesville Stand-Up Experience, The World Cup & Sexiest Bald Men. (38:14) - Potentially Banning Porn and Current State of College Athletics. Green Light Spotify Music: https://open.spotify.com/user/951jyryv2nu6l4iqz9p81him9?si=17c560d10ff04a9b   Spotify Layup Line: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1olmCMKGMEyWwOKaT1Aah3?si=675d445ddb824c42   Green Light Tube YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/GreenLightTube1   Green Light with Chris Long:   Subscribe and enjoy weekly content including podcasts, documentaries, live chats, celebrity interviews and more including hot news items, trending discussions from the NFL, MLB, NHL, NBA, NCAA are just a small part of what we will be sharing with you. https://www.greenlightpodcast.com/ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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And in Michigan, 1-800-2707-1-17. Tennessee, y'all too. 1-8009-9-9. Welcome to the Greenlight Podcast. Cowboy. Tom Segura stops by to hang out with Chris and Kyle. And we cover a good little list of topics. Tom's recent dentist visit and his dental history.

Tom Charlottesville stand-up experiences with a wild heckler. Some World Cup talk, the top sexiest bald men. Y'all want to enjoy some laughs. It's Tom Segura with Chris and Kyle. Ha ha ha ha. Hey, how was the dentist, Mr. Ladybug? Yeah, dude. I have not told anybody this, but I'll tell you.

I just got, all right. When I was dating my wife, this is like 15 years ago, at one point she was like, yo, your snoring is fucking crazy, right? And I was, you know, I was like, oh, really? And then she played me a recording of it. And I was like, holy she. And I have zero tolerance. If I'm hearing someone snore, I will punch them in their sleep.

Like I can't handle it. So immediately I was like, I got to do something. So I called one of those like, oh, over the 1,800 TV ad about like a mouth guard for snoring. And I did it for a little while. And then eventually I went to a dentist. And he was like, I'll get you, I can make you a custom one, you know? And it's like, it's several hundred dollars, but I was like, yeah, I'll take a custom one.

Dude, I've worn this thing. And I've gotten new ones over, like every few years, religiously. And it's my security blanket. Like I've left without it and had them overnight it to the city I'm in. I'm like, you've got to send it. So I go for like a regular cleaning like a couple of months ago and they go, a new dentist to me here in Austin is like, has your bite always been like this?

And I was like, what do you mean? And she's like, like you have like an even bite. You don't, I go, no, I have like a slight overbite. And she was like, no. So we look at it. And I'm like, oh shit. And she goes, I had asked her for a new one. She goes, I want you to go see the orthodontist down the street.

So I go and see him and he's like, dude, you have been so consistent with your snore mouth guard for this time that you have moved your lower jaw. You've been wearing braces. I did orthodontics to myself over 15 years. You're not snoring. But you're not snoring. Yeah, but I'm not snoring. But my fucking face is moving, but I'm not snoring. So now I have to correct what I've done to myself.

Yeah. But I've never had braces or anything. And now I have like adult braces today. I got like the clear things put in. Well, that's great. Chris was an invisible guy. I almost got adult braces because I had really fucked up teeth. I used to be really self-conscious about it.

Really? I am. You deserve it. You deserve it. with that fucking face. You look like a goddamn Calvin Klein model. Fuck you. Thank you.

You motherfucker. Thank you. That's what we need to hear today. No, but Tom, I was walking around with my sexy ass and I couldn't smile. People were like, what's wrong with this fucking mute? And then you got your teeth fixed.

Yeah, I got a picture with Sandra Bullock. She was like my childhood, you know, crush, ran into her at the Espeas. Couldn't even smile. People were like, what, do you want to kill Sandra Bullock?

I'm not. I just looked like, I'm like, I'm like, how bad were they? I mean, they weren't great. When everything else is so good, like Chris is talking. Like everything with his face, when everything's that good

and there's one thing that's a seven and a half out of ten, it's like, get it out of here. Seven and a half, dude. Relative to the face. It was like a three. You have an anvil for a jaw. They used to make fun of me. Aaron Donald used to make fun of my teeth, and he had terrible teeth.

He went and got veneers. But he used to, his first day as a rookie, he was like, man, he used to do this with his fingers to make fun of my teeth. Is that bad? Your brother will tell me the truth. How bad were his teeth? It wasn't that bad. It wasn't that.

He looked like a kid that didn't have breaks. Kyle, you told me I had dolphin teeth. Chris. You bitch. Well, we'll talk about it. Yeah, well,

I mean, you could use some invisible lines, too. I want to get one of those mouth cards. Because I was 350 when I played, Tom, and I knew you've lost weight. I knew you've lost weight and you feel better. God,

he looks good. I feel a lot better. I feel way better. And the snoring naturally reduces if you lose weight, for sure. Same here. I used to snore a ton, too. Like bad.

My wife used to like, yeah, and stuff. I know you hear a lot of unhealthy stories a lot from your co-host, you know, Bert, not your wife. But when it comes to the sleep apnea stuff, it's like sometimes I feel like my description of what happened would have been like what I heard from Bert on Two Bears One Cave where it's like, I lay in bed, everything's normal, and then all of a sudden,

I stop breathing and I wake up and it's hell, you know, like. Dude. Do you suffer from that? Do you suffer from that? Yeah, like a hundred times a night. Yeah. I'm going to pull my teeth up. Wait, Kyle, do you wear a CPAP?

No, because I called and they were like, you have to go spend the night at a hospital. I was like, I don't want to do that. Dude, you have to get this done. Okay. You have to get, how much do you weigh now? What are you down to? $2.95, probably. You look great.

Thank you. I appreciate it, man. He does. We're just trying to overcome our genetics. You dropped 50 pounds, 55 pounds already? Yeah, I was a large human being. Soldier feels really cold in the wintertime. You could really, put as much weight on as you can.

You could really hear the, you breathe from. like a mile away. You still have a problem like you're a great podcaster, but if like you know they had a, you know like your ratings as a podcaster, your lowest rating is breathing loudly into the mic. That's a big guy thing forever. You got to like really think about it to stop doing it.

And then all of a sudden you'll just stop talking because you'll be like I'm not just trying to breathe through your nose and you can't keep up with your oxygen like input. Hey, Tom, what do you think about this man? Because I said this on one of your posts the other day. You're fucking sexy right now, dude. I thought

it was going to be a month thing. I thought it was going to be a month thing where you were just like being all clean and sober, whatever you guys are all calling that month. Sober October. Whatever the fuck it is, but it just extended and extended every video's in the gym now. He looks to his jaw, you can cut glass with it. It's kind of cocky all the gym videos. It's cocky, Tom.

I try not to post too much. I know you don't want to be overposting. I'll tell you, I'm motivated. I mean, this is kind of embarrassing, but in my closet I have like six pictures of Chris, like on the wall. And so in the morning, when I get dressed, I go, like, what would Chris do today? And I just kind of, I go after it, you know? But look, man, I appreciate you saying it.

I am trying to not, I realize, you know, you guys are pro athletes, so you don't know how us mere mortals think and everything. But basically, I realize that I have to just make it a thing forever. Like, when you try to lose weight in the past, you go, I lost weight. And then you're just kind of done. And then that's how you regress. So I'm just trying to make it like an all the time thing. Like I just... Well, you look awesome.

You look awesome. And my only concern for you is I don't think people laugh. You're really obviously the funniest fucking guy. But like, I do think guys have, they struggle laughing at hot guys. I think being hot is like it doesn't work in your favor as a comedian. Luckily, you're already established. But is that a thing in your business? I think if I was blessed to have like,

if I was like notably good look like one of these I don't know who the movie started if I was like Chris Emsworth and you're like Zach affron yeah if you look like that that is a weird place to be doing stand-up in but also some guys who have those like genetic gifts like there's some like handsome dudes doing it you can't like you have to lean out of it in other words you have to wear clothes that doesn't show off your physique you can't go like per like thinking if you have I don't have hair but if your hair is like, you know, perfectly combed. Like, yeah, all those things are not lending themselves to being funny. So, you know, that's the main thing is you just can't lean into whatever your physical attributes are, if they're really good ones.

Right, right. I heard you talk about it before. I forget which pot it was on, but earlier in your career, somebody said, hey, you look kind of sloppy out there. Like, why don't you clean it up? And you went out of your way to pick a shirt with a stain on it. Yeah, I used to think that was like, I, I saw. embraced being like like the like I had dirty jokes and I had you know I was like oh that's that's

who I am like I'm I'm a messy sloppy guy that says dirty things so I'd be like oh that sure has a hole in it I'll put that on and then one of my friends is like you really look like shit up man like you look like you just woke up I was like it's cool right and he's like no it's not like you're taking it too far I tried to find like a healthy balance of like I also think you know how like if you go into your your closet and you have like jackets right and there's jackets that are like you're like i like wearing that one and then there's like that jacket is too like your harrison ford if you put that jacket on i don't want to wear that on stage i don't want to wear that fucking jacket on stage because if like i feel like i'm trying to be cool in that jacket i'll wear it to

dinner but i don't want to wear it on stage you know i mean yeah but you got pretty good solid when i saw you in New York, you know, like you wear black, you look sleek, you look kind of Tom Cruisey, but not like, yeah, over the top. I mean, I have a, I do, I'm a clothes, I'm a clothing ho for sure. I just, I have, are you? Yeah, I fucking, dude, I just gave away 200 items of clothing and my closet looks full. I don't even understand. It's like it's growing clothes, but I still feel like, I still feel like there's shit you want to wear. on stage and there and stuff that I'd be like, no, I would wear that, but I'm not wearing that on stage. Cash app. The easy way to send, spend, save and invest with friends. Cash app helps you

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Miller Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, 96 calories and 3.2 carbs. 12 ounces. I wanted to tell Kyle a story or have you tell him about the Charlottesville show because he has no background on it. He wasn't in town when that happened. And I don't go to a lot of stand-up shows. And I went to this one and Tom said it was like nothing he's ever seen. I was pretty wild. Performing in front of Charlottesville. Can you tell us about that? Well, yeah. And I'm glad you got to see, because you saw me in New York too. So you got to see like a normal show. Yeah. And then, you know, we play. played all different sized places on this thing. And I think that was probably the smallest

show of the tour. Because it was like it was, it's an old theater. It's like a thousand cedar. And it changes kind of the dynamic of the performance a little bit and the dynamic of a show. Because if you go from a 5,000 or 10,000 seat thing, you know, it's a show, but like they're there, they're there, you're here and they're just, it's like they're watching, right? But when you reduce the size of a venue, it becomes much more interactive, right? Like, you can't, you as the performer can't pretend that, like, I'm just saying that you're saying it to people's faces all of a sudden. And then they respond differently. So it became like a much more intimate show.

And there was a point, when you are on stage, you always, you can pick up on things that maybe the audience can't. Like, you hear sounds. And you learn that you can ignore certain things. and then you also learn that there's things that you have to address. And it's usually like, it's your choice, but usually like if it's minimal, you're like, I'll just let that go. More notable, substantial sounds, you kind of go,

like, I got to say something because it's too much. And I was like hearing like, you know, a little bit of murmuring. And I was like, you know, whatever, keep performing, keep going. And then at a certain point, I just hear like, ah, no. And I'm like, what the fuck? What are you fucking doing? man. And it's like, it's like three rows in and the guy's like, no. And I'm like, no what? And they're like,

and the people in the audience are like, he needs to go. And he goes, I'm not leaving. And then I'm like, what? And then I just, most of the time when you perform in these venues, you know, when something like that happens, security is just guys that look like you guys that go like, this is over. We're just going to drag this guy out of here. Legitimate waiting for something to speak up. A bunch of tiles. So I just kind of like, I just kind of turn and I see yellow jackets, which is usually like security staff kind of thing. I'm like, well, they're just going to fucking rip this guy out of here.

And all of a sudden, because don't forget, I'm under lights, right? As a sudden, like, they come into the, in and out of the light. And I see, it's like four people in their 80s, their ushers. And I'm like, oh, they're not going to do a, they're not going to do a fucking thing to this guy, right? and he goes, I'm not leaving and he holds on to the seat, like the, where his, your armrests, he just holds him.

He goes, I'm not leaving. And I was like, oh, fuck. And then I just see them, they're all, they're old as shit. And they just go like, I guess he's not leaving. Yeah, dude. I don't know.

Is this middle of the show? Dead middle of the show, dude. Yeah, like dead middle of the show. And I'm like, okay. And, and then they are the people in the audience are still like he needs to go and he's like I will not leave and I'm like oh for fuck's sake very sure so all the sudden welcome to our hometown those four old ushers just turn around and leave they're just like all right I'm like that's it like that's what you're doing so they're gone and then I the first thing I do is you know I kind of talk about it and then I kind of go back to like the show I start performing and this guy Because he's obviously the villain of the audience. Yeah.

He wants to be like part of like the good guys again. He does this thing. It's so, it's so funny that it still makes me laugh. He wanted to like laugh where you're supposed to laugh, but he missed the mark. So I was like setting up the next joke and he just goes, ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. And I was like, what are you doing? man and you can tell he was like do I now blend like no everybody knows who we good are we good yeah no he all know who you are he was like 35 white guy yeah like he

looked like he just came off like he fished that day he had like a tackle fish and bait you know like shirt with like nine pockets here and I was like oh fuck so it's a merrill shoes yeah he fucking I I kind of start moving along and then the audience I don't know this happens sometimes in these shows they kind of get the sense themselves It's like a naturally occurring thing that like this show is now, it's now okay for us to just talk and just yell. So they just start to just go like, hey, ta! And I'm like what?

And they're like, hey man, how come? And they're just asking me questions. And I realize that it's so many people, it's not like one or, it's so many people doing it. That like you go, I can't fight. If I try to fight this, it's like, it's like trying to fight physically fight a thousand. you're like, I'm not going to win this fight. Right. So you just go, I'm just going to roll with it.

So I just started to do crowd work with like a thousand people. Like they were just all yelling shit. And I did that for like 15 minutes. And then I realized, I was like, if I can just let, if I can make them let me do these last 10 minutes of material, I can get off stage. And it'll all kind of stay together. And it worked. It somehow stayed together. But it was definitely one of the more memorable shows of the tour.

It had to be, yeah, the way it sounded, I was kind of embarrassed for our hometown, but I'm, yeah, I'm never surprised. Did you see Mark Zuckerberg's weird ass bought like an entire UFC stadium out for him in like five of his closest friends? And he was like fight. Like you guys fight. We sit here. Like we're the only people in this. What would you do if Mark Zuckerberg and like a family of seven were the only people in a at one of your shows and it was empty? Otherwise, would you just obliterate Mark Zuckerberg?

I mean, it would not, like, here's the thing, you would, it would feel so awkward. It's so awkward to perform and to feel like you're performing. If you feel like you're performing and it's, and it's small, you feel, you feel, you feel how awkward that actually registers inside. You know what I mean? Like, it's like, almost like if you were to perform for your family, like at dinner and they're like, the fuck are you doing, you know? That's what it, that's what it would feel like. So I think, yeah, you'd have to just sit there and at least spend a good amount of time looking them dead in the eye and being like, yo, man, when do you blink? Like, what's going on?

You know, you have to, like, you'd have to say shit to him. Like, this fucking Instagram algorithm is inconsistent. Knock it off. You'd have to talk to him. If you didn't talk to him, it would be 10 times more awkward. It reminds me of when, I think, who was Pablo Escobar, had all the best soccer players in the world come to, like, his. his finca, his arm, and he was like, fucking play. And there's elephants here, too, by the way.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's awkward shit. And him and the other cartel guys would bet. So they'd be like, these guys are going to beat these guys. And I'm like, they're fucking a million dollar bet going on for like a backyard soccer game. Yeah. Just a bunch of coked up fans. Did you watch the World Cup?

I didn't watch, like, consistently the whole, like, the whole series of matches. I recorded the final and I was like, it's funny because I was at the racetrack. I was driving here at Cota on Sunday. And I was like, and I had it recorded, but I was still checking. And I saw it was 2-0 and I was like, oh, this shit is, that's over, man. And then I got back, it's like 2-1, 2-2.

And I could not believe, like, the scoring going on in extended time. It was wild. And then I watched it later. I mean, the craziest, coolest thing is watching the way, like, Argentina is celebrating this thing because people don't understand, at least in the United States, what soccer is to Latin America. I mean, to a lot of the world, but Latin America, it is, we don't actually, we don't have the equivalent.

That's why it doesn't really register. Like, people go, well, you know, football and bat. I'm like, yeah, it's not the same, dude. It is not the same. It is different. different. It is, it is. Hey, fuck Salt Bay, by the way. Did you see him harassing all those players? I'm so out on fucking Salt Bay. I mean, like, dude, I mean, you just know your moments over. There's nothing worse than somebody doesn't get super fucking famous and it doesn't know when

they're fucking moments over. Just trying to strong arm. That's why that's why I started this podcast so I could fade into oblivion. But what the fuck was Salt Bay doing, harassing Lionel Messing? How did he get that access? How did you get that access? How did you? did you get access? Your salt bay. You have that access. You're on the field. Wagga beef will get you anywhere. It's like good ass. There's plenty of good beef. There's plenty of good beef in Argentina, dude. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, that's the state. We were talking to Chris. You can end with the Oh, okay. Yeah, okay. There's a bunch of dumb questions for Tom Segura. If you go in a time machine and go anywhere, any place in the history of the world, and the one objective is to get hot women, where are you going? Wow.

I mean... I was kind of thinking Argentina Saturday. Oh, my God, the level of... I mean, that's a pretty short trip in your time machine. Yeah, but you know it is technically in the past, Tom, and nobody smells like shit. Like, you're going to pick... Some people are going to pick...

like, you know, 1930 or something somewhere. Like, everybody smells terrible. Yeah, well, I was thinking, like, my first, the first thought that came to mind was just be a Viking and, and, you know, you just. Consensual Viking. No rules just right. Consensual, consensual Viking.

Just take what you want. I'll back Longhouse. You ask for permission. You roll up on your ships and you're a nice Viking. You ask for permission. Yeah, but then you kill her. That's fucking the best part. Yeah.

Yeah, and to add to that, Tom, you can also shoot an arrow at her vessel when it's flying away in the traditional Viking burial, which is the coolest scene in every movie. But I got to tell you, I went to Buenos Aires when I was 21, and I almost broke my neck. I'd never seen so many beautiful women walk. So, I mean, you made a good call. And for sure, the effort doesn't need to be as strong when they win the World Cup. you could probably just be like, hello, and then it's all. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like, you know, I think, I don't think I would look like everybody else maybe, yeah.

No, you'd be in there, dude. I was thinking maybe Erie Pennsylvania, though, also. What year? 2022. Well, do you want to talk about the Erie Pennsylvania thing? Because I know that you in the city have a bit of a rivalry. I mean, And how did that stuff?

Everybody who does stand up has at least a couple of cities where they're like, man, fuck that place, right? It's just like a... Yeah. Something that happened. I mean, you probably have it from playing ball, too, where you're just like...

Detroit. Yeah. And you're like, fuck Detroit. You know? But, yeah, for us, you know, I think we have to spend more time there. We have to interact with more people. And like, yeah, I just had...

I don't know. There's definitely more cities than just one. But I've always felt comfortable shitting on Erie, and I did it, and I could not believe it made the news. And they did a whole news piece about it. It's so funny, Kyle. It's pretty ridiculous. And then actually, I actually have a thing now with their weatherman, right?

Their weatherman is this dude, and he tried to do like this little, he did like this little lame shot. He was like, oh, Tom's just mad because he's not one of the 10-sextiest bald men a lot. And I was like, huh? So it was whack. And so I made fun of them. And then, like, I didn't even send people, but people started to go to his social media. And then he did the worst thing, which is he's fucked now. So he tried to be, like, he tried to take shots at the, he calls them the Tom Segura basement dwellers.

Like, come up to me. I was like, I was like, that's like an old man. Like, that's like a 90-year-old man's shot at someone. He's like, you're living your mom's basement? Like, it's such a hackney. So then he got so much that he made his social media accounts private. And he's just been like, you know, it's just getting to get worse. He also said he would whip my ass in basketball.

So I told him that if he wants to fly. It's hard to believe, Tom. I've seen you play. Listen, I hear what I said, though. But I told him, if he wants to come down here and play basketball, one-on-one, like just standard game to 11 by ones, got to win by two, the whole, you know, just standard one-on-one. If he wins that, I will give $50,000 to the charity of his choice.

That's great. But if he loses, if he loses, he has to make his social media accounts public. That's only fair. It's only fair. Yeah, and he has to issue an apology video. that I approve of. So that's what we're doing. He's from Roanoke, Virginia.

We looked this guy up, David Walter. He also spends his, he's David Walter, he's supposed his fucking name with it. Oh, his last name, David Walter. And yeah, what the fuck? Which begs the question, who are the top, give me the top five sexiest bald men. Exactly, well, I mean, I'm definitely gonna go Bruce Willis.

Yeah, he's on everybody's mind. Yes, that's a sexy bald man. Oh, oh, was the surfer. That dude's super sexy. Oh, the guy's gonna... Slater. Everybody's like, yeah, Tom and Giselle divorced. Kelly Slater.

Tom and Giselle divorced, and they were like, I know where she is. I'm like, how do you know that? They're riding away from Kelly Slater? You just assume, like you just assume this guy's so hot. She's in a pipe with Lerley Slater? Do you look, can you imagine what a documentary about the pussy he's gotten? Like, how, first of all, it would be like a, it'd be like a, a,

10-part mini-series, but like, it has got to be the best of the... It's like the last dance. It'd be like Michael Jordan's, like, it would just be like Kelly's, it'd be like, and then this name was faceless ho, and then I guess, I mean, I guess, well, yeah, that's right. Her friend was eating my ass, and then she came in, like, it would just be unbelievable. That's the time machine I would want to be in. I want to be in Kelly Slater's fucking body for a week.

Oh, my God. dude Tahiti somewhere in Tahiti and like the mid-200 And that's just number two That's number two

I've got Stanley Tucci Is definitely on my list Stanley Tucci Wow I watched his I watched his taste of Italy or whatever with my wife Kate

And he's She said to me This is my hall pass She looked at me Dead seriously Wow Stanley Tucci Who the fuck is this guy

That's a That's a That's a curveball But I get it I mean He's immensely talented Yeah It was Bruce Willis.

It was Kelly Slater. Stanley Tucci. You don't get to make his list. I think we got to go Jason Statham for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Look right through your wife. He'd just look right through her.

2002's top 10 sexiest bald men are, and this is crazy to me. They put your boy Joe Rogan on there at 8. Oh, my God. Pit bull. Oh, my God. You're doing Joe a favor. Yeah, come on. Who made this list?

They got fucking Mike Tyson on there. I'm not going to say anything bad about Mike Tyson. Prince William, I could see that. You know, people like the Royal thing. Oh, my God. I'm not into the Royal thing, but he's half-balled, so you get half-in, half out, two worlds there, you know? I don't know.

Just put 10 mixed black guys on there that all play sports, and they probably all did. Now, Pitbull, I agree with, because Pitbull's got to be one of the most entertaining people on the planet. He's on this list here. Vin Diesel should not be on this list. No. No, Vin, no.

Okay, okay, so here's the next dumb question, Tom. If you died and your wife had to remarry or have a good time, what celebrity are you like, yep, that's the one. Go ahead. Your ghost is like, go ahead, her, he or him. So I had this thing about this where I think, I think if the person is like notably, like, notably so much better than you, that's easier to tolerate than like more like on your level or lower and you're like what the fuck is this right so i'd i'd actually want him to be a fucking 10 you know i mean i don't yeah i think that makes me to go

like yeah yeah of course um who's i mean who's god who's like uh you're saying you don't want her to change teams you wanted to change leagues essentially like you know just get out of delegate up. Yeah, go up. Yeah. Like, I go way up, way up where I go like... Kyle? Zach Ephron would be the one. Kyle doesn't feel the same way, I don't think. Zach Ephron would be the one for me because it's a downgrade. He's less handsome than me.

He's shorter than you for sure. So much shorter. Ask him the question. Oh, yeah, yeah. I wanted to know. I got some friends who, you know, when we hang out, they're self-conscious. So I wanted to ask you because I know you, you know, who makes the best shoe platforms to make you look taller? That's good. That's good. I was so fucking, I was so like when Bert was like,

oh, you, I told him you wear platforms. And I was like, why? He was like, I don't know. I saw to be. I don't know. And I was like, you realize that that was like probably the best moment of my year is like Chris going like, wow, you're pretty tall, huh? And I was like, oh.

I was serious, dude. Yeah, I know. And I don't wear fucking platforms. I've just standing up. I think that's so funny that he remembered that. It's a funny thing to plant. It's a funny thing to plant on somebody. It is. And the same thing

with like, hey, Aaron Rogers, all those texts and shit. That was funny too. He seems like a great friend. All right. So plastic surgery has been a hot topic. Would you ever get it? Yeah. And that fucking Simon Cowell looks like you'd stick your hand up his ass and make

him talk. I mean, it just looks like a total fucking drink. It's so creepy looking. It's so crazy. It's crazy. I mean, I think as a man, I think in this world today, you know, you should, look, everybody should do what makes them happy and makes them feel good with themselves. I feel like as a comedian, you kind of got a deal with the hand you got in this world. Like, if you're a comic, or you just have to be super, super, super open and honest about it,

you know, you can make jokes about it. I mean, I don't know, man. You know, I wish I had a different body. I'm not going to do plastic surgery to it. I'm just going to keep working out. My face, you know, I don't know. People always point out my fucking bags. But like maybe if I'm 70 and they're like hanging down like this,

I'll be like, hey, could you, but I don't plan on doing anything to it in the near future. I think it's cool to see people that are confident in their own skin, even when they look kind of fucked up. Like somebody with a great personality that just looks fucked up. I'm like, you're my boy, boo. Yeah. I got to be honest, too. I find it the most, I find it the most attractive thing in women, too,

that are not like cookie cutter perfect. Perfect. Yeah, no, we don't like that. Like that perfect, you know, Barbie face. It doesn't really do anything for me. I like little imperfections. I find it. Well, they're everywhere now.

Those faces are everywhere. Everywhere you go, every squirrel you make on any social. media, you see the same person with different hair color and different eye contacts. It's crazy. I want unique. I want unique. If you're here in Arizona, Colorado, Indiana, Louisiana, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Tennessee, or right here in Virginia, and you haven't tried the WinBet app yet, I have great news for you.

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Okay, Mike Lee, the, what is he, Utah Senator? He wants to ban porn. How do we feel about that, Tom? It's fucking insane. He wants to ban, that's really his position? Yeah, just like, get rid of it. Get rid of porn. Yeah, not wipe the history from your,

you know what would happen to people? This is like, this would be like when they, you know, when there was prohibition, it's like the type of, crime that would evolve from people trying to get a nut would be so much more, I think, dangerous and violent than that it is for getting booze. Like, porn is an institution. And there's definitely some super fucked up things if you really want to get down to, like, what's going on in that industry.

But there's not a chance in hell you could get away with banning it. I mean, I don't think anywhere in the world, but certainly not in the United States. It has, it's so accessible. It is, you know, people have their own relationship with it. I feel like when I was an early, like a young road dog and you're going out there and you're just lonely in your 20s, like that's your companion. It's your companion. And I thankfully consume much less of it today. Because I do think it like it's a time and an age in your life.

But that guy is out. He has a better chance of fucking banning hamburgers than he does ban. porn like people yeah will go nuts in this country if you try to take that away no way so you stopped around like 38 i just feel like it's a trickle down it's like it slows and it slows and the better is porn shaming me like well i mean look i'm not i'm not uh abstaining from it i just feel like there's i feel like there's a time where i could look at where i was like man and if i was bored i would look at porn if i was trying to write and i came up on the most minimal riders block I'd be like, look at point.

If I was like waking up in the morning, I mean, but that was also younger. I don't feel like it's a, it's a, you're in your best place when you're consuming it that much. No, I agree. I totally agree with you. And as an older man, I am, I have not jacked off today. There's, uh, there's, it's like, uh, you're retraining your brain to reward itself. You're rewarding yourself for not doing anything. Yes.

One thing I read, which is a really interesting concept. It's very true. I'm trying to think of how else I might reward it. I'm sitting here with a dip in right now. It's impulse control. Sometimes I smoke joints, you know, they're also... Just impulse control. I think it...

You know, I have friends that were... They told me that they were, like, watching way too much porn. They stopped, and then they all just said the same thing unanimously, which was that their... Like, their sex life got way better, because they didn't live in this fantasy anymore. I don't know. Yeah, no.

And if you're out there and you look at porn and say you're older, maybe you should try what we're talking about. Try it on for size. Stop. Maybe dial it back a little bit. Dial it back a little bit. I do worry about like when I used to look at porn. I used to worry about, hey, what if I had like cardiac arrest in the middle of it?

And like somebody, they got to find you with your fucking laptop open. You know, like, it's just like, God, this guy died doing what he loved. How many people can fit on one screen? Do you know what happened to me one time? How many browsers, do you? Yeah, go ahead. This was humiliating. This was humiliating.

Oh, boy. I was living with my cousin. So we were two, you know, single. We were not married. We were obviously, we were single guys. We're living in L.A. And we're sharing a two-bedroom, one-bath apartment. And we're, you know, he's much more neat and put together than me.

But we're still still two dudes. And so I think it was once a week. we would have the cleaning lady come over. And he would, it was one of those things where like that's his contact and he would do the setup and all that, you know. So I would just, I mean, I would contribute financially to it, but I never knew when it was, he was just like taking care of it. Well, this one day I'm home, and again, I'm probably like 26, 27.

I'm in this apartment. And it's like a single store. It was a, you know, it's like a home. an apartment complex. So I'm in the bedroom and I'm like, I'm going to look at, I'm going to jack off right now. And I decide to just go into the living room, which is, um, and I, and I sit on the couch and I had the laptop open and my pants are open. And I'm just like, you know, going through videos, clicking this and that. And as this is happening, I hear something and I'm like I'm like nah and I keep you know your brain is like

taken over and now I'm just like hyper focused on the fucking blow bang or whatever I'm watching and I'm like and then and then I hear a I hear that another noise and all sudden I turn and right behind me is the cleaning lady and her daughter. No! And her daughter. This is how Brassers always starts, by the way. Yeah. And I, it is, it's totally a scene.

I, I feel like my heart, you know, drop. I don't know what Brasers is. And I... I'm not even going to ask out of one of the daughter. Yeah, that's the bad thing. Well, yeah, no, no. She's, she is, I'll be, I'll volunteer it. She is

definitely of age. That part I can tell you. And she's attractive. So bring your adult hot daughter to work day. I'm crying now. Happens all the time. And she's Latin. And you know, she starts licking her lips, right?

And she's like touching her. No, she, so the daughter, the daughter is like, has a little, like a bit of disappointment. And the mother's more checked out. Like, she's kind of like, right. So I do the panic. I do the panic normal move, which is, I have, it's an older MacBook. I slam it shut. I just go, bap, like that.

The audio keeps playing. Oh, no. So now I'm looking at them, and you're just hearing some shit getting railed. And I'm like, so I have to, I have to open it again. I'm like, like, find, and then I have to find, you know, I have to, like, draw up X and hit mute. and I'm like, oh my God. And here's the worst part of this whole thing, the worst part, is that because he had arranged the cleaning with them,

she thought that I did this on per, like that I, this was a perp, like, so I had to call him and be like, hey man, could you fucking tell me when they're coming over? He's like, oh, yeah, sorry. And then I realized, well, he was like, well, maybe, you know, maybe don't jerk off in the living room. And I was like, I go, yeah, but you could have given me a heads up that they're going to be here. And then I remember I went to her and I was like, hey, I'm going to take off now.

And she was like, okay. What an exhibitionist you are, Tom? It was, I was mortified. That's awful. And yeah. And how many years ago was this, Tom? Many, many years ago. Many, okay, many years ago.

Yeah, they're both dead now. It was long time. You said. Checked. I checked. Hey, ask them about football and then let's let them go. But we just warming you up to ask you what your favorite football team was. I was born in Cincinnati.

I'm excited that just to have any type of excitement in watching them from, I went through the 90s, which was just a goddamn disaster. So the Bengals are fun. But my ride or die, what I have been obsessed with for years, is definitely Florida State football, yeah. That's wild. And they're good now. The fucking, that quarterback they have is really good.

Will you fucking tell me what it was like to, like, go there for a moment? Oh, Florida State. Yeah, well, I was there for a summer semester and fall semester. I was only playing baseball. So you get there in the summertime, and literally they give you one class during the week and four practices. and then the rest of the hours is just drinking and chasing chicks. And I had zero experience with women at the time.

I still don't really. But a lot of fun. I really wish Bert and I had crossed over there because I feel like we would have run in the same circles for sure. Yeah, he would run you out of the circle of the circle. Out of the circle. Yes. No, there were people there that took care of that for Bert.

He is such a legend. He's such a legend. Kyle was at a juco pretty quickly, like thousands of miles away. Junior college, awesome time too. I remember I went down to visit Kyle one night at Florida State, and we just got obliterated. I don't know where we went, but we spent five minutes in your room. I went back and saw your bedroom, bro. It was like a mattress and just a bunch of trash.

It was like in Star Wars where they go into that trash compactor. Wait, this was at FSU or Oregon? Oh, at FSU. His Oregon dorm looked a lot better. So he'd come a long way. But his freshman year, I was like, Kyle, what the fuck have you been doing that? I remember shut the door? school yeah i had to go back down there and clean out my apartment and tell all my teammates that i was

leaving and i brought my mom with me and she went into my room and there was like 70 empty jack bottles like on the ground oh yeah mom's like is that shit in the window like the sandlot dog's house it was unbelievable it was embarrassing i had to change my life yeah so you did all right so the favorite florida state football player of all time oh man of all time i mean it's only been like a hundred years player i know but i'm just it's like i don't have like one they're just like you have memories of like you know watching like i mean those 90s team like peter warwick you know yeah peter warr would have been my yeah that was that that that's shit he did feel like video game you know when you and i loved watching prime obviously like that's

that's amazing what he's what he's done so far i think i think he's gonna pull crazy recruits I'm a Buffalo's fan. I'm a Colorado fan now. Like, I'll admit it. Well, here's the thing. Like, as you guys know, in that world, there's, the big separation comes when you can pull in, like, five-star guy. Like, that's when, like, you start to, like, really pull in top-tier recruits.

And if you were telling me that you're sending in Sabin and Davo and whoever, and to close, and you're like, hey, and also Prime, I'd be like, dude, my money is always going to be on him closing. Like, he's not going to get him all, but he is going to close on some kids that you're going to be like, holy shit, because there's just something about him. He's like, he's a special guy.

He has that charisma. He obviously has a craziest resume. And I think kids are just going to respond to it, dude. I think they really are. He's going to be... You just got to have the greenbacks. You're going to have the NAA. I'm not the NIL money now.

That's the NIL landscape now. But I'm glad they're getting paid. It's complicated. But the people who get really pissed about it, they're just pissed, you know? Like, it's just fucking, so what, it's the Wild Wild West? It'll figure itself out.

You say, like, OnlyFans Ripley, can you imagine if you were like a top tier receiver in college and you're like, you know, I had like, 11 catches for like 216 yards and three touchdowns, And if you jump on my only fans, I'm going to jerk off now in my, and back in my company. And like, how much money that kid.

So much money. So much money. Like, can you imagine if when Tim Tebow was in college, he had an only time? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Shit. And I never see anybody do this harder than I will to myself. Yes.

In the history of college football. I bet he can fucking tug one hard, too. I bet you really do it. For the motorsports fans, you said you were. Dakota. I love that. I know you guys are involved in that. What's your dream track to go watch? Kyle, I would go to Monza. I think Monza would be fun to drive. Hell yeah. That would be legendary. That would be an experience. Do you like to you like to hit tracks too? I've got the simulator at my house. I do i racing. I've had it

at my house for about seven years. I haven't done any track time in a real car. I've got an M5 competition. I'd love to take it to Virginia International Raceway. Maybe we should do that sometime. Yeah, yeah dude. Yeah, you guys should race. see who the real man is. Tom, we appreciate the time, my dude, and we hope to have you again. Thanks, Tom. You know you're busy, so thank you. Always a pleasure. Good to see you guys.

Keep kicking ass, man. We'll see you around.