Habits and Hustle - Episode 127: Nikki Glaser – Stand-Up Comedian, Actress, TV/Podcast Host

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

Nikki Glaser is a Stand-Up Comedian, Actress, TV/Podcast Host. She’s built a career on being unapologetically honest and herself and this episode is no exception. She’s raunchy and casual about pretty extreme topics, and she tells it how it is in an incredibly funny and painfully relatable way. Listen as she and Jen discuss her ups and downs, how the pandemic impacted her and her work, cancel culture, dating, dieting, and more all through the very specific and endearing lens that only Nikki can provide. Are you tired of hearing the inauthenticity in the way people speak about their lives, failures, successes, and goals? Need a dose of some abrasive real talk from one of the funniest comedians in the game? What are you waiting for? The episode’s right there! Youtube Link to This Episode  Nikki’s Website Nikki’s Instagram ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Did you learn something from tuning in today? Please pay it forward and write us a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts. 📧If you have feedback for the show, please email [e-mail]  📙Get yourself a copy of Jennifer Cohen’s newest book from Habit Nest, Badass Body Goals Journal. ℹ️Habits & Hustle Website 📚Habit Nest Website 📱Follow Jennifer – Instagram – Facebook – Twitter – Jennifer’s Website Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Well, do I have a special treat for you for you guys listening to Habits and Hustle today? We have one of my favorite stand-up comics, Nikki Glazer. She's hilarious. If you don't know who she is, she's also a podcast host, a radio and television host. She's currently hosting F-boy on HBO Max. And if that's not enough, you may know her from being one of the main comics who do the Comedy Central roast. She's done Alec Baldwin, I think all of them.

And she does it and she crushes it every time. She's absolutely hilarious. And she's at, and I's at and on tour now. I just wanted to prelude this episode by mentioning that we do go into topics like mental health, eating disorders, sex, and so much more. I believe these are all important topics to discuss and she does it in such an authentic way

while delivering of course or comedy wit. But I do want to make that prep primus, because if it is topics that may be difficult to listen to, I just wanted to let you know. But guys, I would really hang in for this episode, because it really is one of my favorites to date. So here it is, Nikki Glazer, enjoy. Are we going to restart it? We're going, it's fine. I'm favorites to date. So here it is, Nikki Glazer, enjoy. Are we going to restart it?

We're going, it's fine. I'm going to be in the middle. I didn't know what the vibe was if you were like, oh, I'm sorry I had not listened to it episode. I just want to be honest with you, but I'm a fan. I don't even know how I discovered you or how you were recommended to me. I think you came on my radar as a not me,

which is what people send me when someone is not me, but they look like me. So people send me not me all the time because I'll just post like this isn't me, this is not me, not me. So I started this thing where, because I get told I look like people all the time. And I do.

And you were sent to me as a not me, and I'm like, this bitch is awesome. I'm like, wow. She's not me, I wish she were. I mean, I was like, I was so flattered. A lot of times they're insulting, and yours was like, oh my god, she's not me, I wish she were. I mean, I was like, I was so flattered, a lot of times they're insulting and yours was like, oh my gosh, she's so pretty and she's cool. So, and then, yeah, and then I saw you were just validated

by other cool people that I already liked. So I was like, oh, this chick is legit. So when I was reached out about doing your show, I was like, oh my gosh, she's so cool. Yes, let me, I can't wait to talk to her. You don't even understand how much you just made my day because I kid you not. You are like my top, probably one or two favorite female

comics, I kid you not. I love you. You have no idea. Like I watch every special. You are like the queen of roast. You make those roast good. Oh, thank you. I, when I even got this, you know, opportunity presented to me,

I was like, oh my god, there's no way. I mean, I love you, seriously. Oh, awesome. I'm so glad it worked out because, yeah, and I just listened to your TED doc too, on dub like two times the speed, because I was like, oh wait, I want to get through this. And I always listen to everything two times the speed because I talk two times the speed, because I was like, oh, wait, I wanna get through this. And I always listen to everything two times the speed,

because I talk two times the speed, so I, like, like, getting information way faster. So I just listened to you, your TED Talk in. I just, like, I was so excited to talk to you, because it resonated with me so much of that boldness, and I just got a lot from it, is what, as you do, when you open yourself up to good TED Talks. Great job on that.

I'm like, I'm so impressed and I learned a lot. And do you still have the Kiana recording? You know what I do with it? I do, it's like you know back when we had those answering machines, right? So I had to really hunt down those little tapes that have the voicemail on it or the five different voicemails.

I didn't even tell the whole story. I don't know even in the TED talk, if I even talked about the fact that my mother was really rude to him. And then when I, you know, like, she was just like, she's not here, hang up. Right, and then he called back again. Exactly.

We're like when he said, when she said, wouldn't you call me my daughter for, you know, click like, yeah, she probably thought he was some Hollywood riff raff trying to, you know, she probably got good intentions to to wonder, but he good thing he's a good person. Yeah, I think she thought he was a pedophile. Like I don't think she even knows who can't read. I mean, she's the most powerful Hollywood men are. So that's not far reaching. It's not that far reaching, right? No, and the laws are different in Canada. They're playing by their own rules. Even if they're not

different, they can vent themselves there and they can vent themselves into Mexico and they can get away with more. Not notoriously because that's a negative condition, but famously a very nice person has been, you know, videoed secretly giving up his seat on a train for like a pregnant woman and then trying to get her number was kind of, no. He's a good person. So that was a good, that was a good, free desk.

There's different guys though that would have taken that like little in of like, help me pursue my dream and been like come up and talk to me about you know, so You're absolutely correct. You had a good instinct on that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no exactly I think that that was like part part of it right like I had it was good luck that I just so happened to like the guy or he Was coming in town that just so happened to be like the nicest guy in Hollywood right like yeah Yeah, you took it as a sign, but a lot of times girls, I want to say girls do think someone is going to be that way and they're not.

You can't always get the set. You can't just go by intuition of, you seems great. So I don't want to say it like you were smarter than girls that don't, because I always get kind of sensitive when I talk about that of like, like having this pride that, you know, oh, I haven't been raped. I haven't been like, because I haven't been raped.

I haven't been like, you know, oh, I haven't been raped. I haven't been like, because I haven't been raped. I haven't been, like, you know, had bad things happen with men before, but nothing on the level that I know so many of my friends and most women go through. And I've just been like lucky, and it had nothing to do. I think there used to be a sense of like, I could out run or I could out.

There's something else I'm more scared of things, because I am. I mean, I was gifted, I have the gift of fear for sure. My first word, like, multislabbit word was dangerous. Like, that I would say dangerous, dangerous, and just point out things that were possibly going to kill me or my sister. I was obsessed with it. So I have this, I'm overly scared, but that does it, I think that I've always kind of erroneously thought

that that is why I haven't been sexually assaulted because I'm safer than others. And the fact is, that doesn't matter. I'm just been lucky. And you can go by your senses all the time and you still can end up getting pretty duped. and you still can end up getting pretty duped. You know what? And also to that point, usually you get duped by people you actually know that are closest to you a lot of times. That's the part that's kind of screwed up, right?

Like it's not usually a stranger danger type of thing. It's usually someone who's like right in your vortex. And that's crazy. That is really interesting because my first kiss was assault like pretty much like it came out of nowhere as most kids do their fumbly like the guy will just lean in and we've seen it in you know sitcoms of like whoa you know a guy just like throws himself because he's just kind of awkward but I I'm one of my really good friends. I was like very stunted sexually. Like I, all my friends kiss boys before me,

my sister who's two greats younger, did everything sexually before me. She was the, she was like my older sister and she was cooler than me and I was just so scared of sex and boys and I don't know where it formed. I think something, I'm like starting to think something maybe happened before

I was like of memory making age, which I don't even. I'm not even scared to say that because first of all, I'm not saying it for certain and part of me is like, oh my god, what if my parents think that. That I think I was molested, they'll feel so bad and it's like the time, no matter how stringent you are about who is around your child, these guys work in really weird, mysterious ways. I've just listened to too many podcasts and just know how quickly these images can be captured. Yeah. While the parents in the room, things can happen, touches can happen better, traumatic to a

child that will imprint in print later on, because I've always been secretly, I just wish, I wish, and I'm reluctant to say this, but there was something in me that was always like, I wish I could pin my weirdness with men on something. Like I wish, I've had therapist be like, that I've been seeing a while stop me mid-sentence

when I'm talking about something else and go, remind me when you were in my last city again, and like slipping through their notes, and I've been like a while stop me mid-sentence when I'm talking about something else and go, remind me when you were molested again and like slipping through their notes. And I've been like, I wasn't. They're like, are you sure? Like they're going back there and I go, I think I remember you wanna, you wanna maybe hypnotize me and put it in somewhere

just so I have a scapegoat for why I fear intimacy with them. But it doesn't matter why it is. My point is that my first kiss, I was so scared of boys. My first kiss was really late and I was waiting for it to happen. But I trusted this guy that was my friend. And we both confessed that we liked each other. I liked him so much. I had the biggest crush on him ever.

He was like out of my league. He was like in the next grade. He was so cute. And I thought we were just friends. He just looked at me as like a comedy buddy. And then he told me, lights me when I were watching TV after a football game. And I was like, I like you too.

And we're just like awkwardly sitting in your cross room from each other. And then he just like ran at me. I think he goes, oh, would it be cool if I asked you on a date sometime? And I was like, yeah, sure. And it was like going the speed I wanted it to. I was so scared to kiss someone,

so it wasn't gonna be tonight, because then he just launched and like attacked me. And then I pushed him off and was like, get off! Like just almost like, it was a lot, but I was also like, ugh! Yeah, you're right, right, right. That was the part that was traumatic for me. The part was, he went in the kitchen, he was so embarrassed, and so mad at himself,

and so humiliated that he went in the kitchen, started like opening cabinets. I couldn't really hear what was going on. I was just watching Letterman, and just just trying to be like, and I just kept going, it's not a big deal. It's funny. And he's like, I'm such a fucking idiot. I think he was bipolar. You know, like this guy was flying off the handle. I'm just waiting for him to calm. I've seen him like freak out like this before, but not like this at me. And it was more at himself and he was jugging vodka.

I didn't know that. He eventually drives me home. He's going 70 miles an hour and like suburbs, like through my neighborhood, I'm terrified. And the whole time he's like, I'm just fucking, you know, and I don't even know he's drunk. And then we dropped me off of my front yard. He pulled off before I got out of the car

and I like nearly felt like you nearly ran me over and I'd never done anything like this. But I remember screaming, fuck you! Like out of the car. And I like nearly felt like you nearly ran me over. And I'd never done anything like this. But I remember screaming, fuck you! Like, into the night, which I was like a mild-mannered girl. Like that, it had to be a lot to get me to do that. So that, that was my first like intimate moment with a man. And from there on out, I have always been scared

that when, when I reject a man, it's going to get, they're going to be mad at me and hate me forever, or there's going to be some kind of violence. It's like that, which is pretty much right, though. It's like you're just giving into sex because you're scared. And I know that I won't now. I cannot be intimate with someone if I get grossed out because sometimes it happens on a dime. I have like times where I am hooking up with a guy and something happens that's beyond my control and I just like get grossed out by something they say or maybe I'm high in a way that's making

me think too much and I'm just like, ugh, I don't want to be doing this. Oh my gross, true, give me something that I'm like a damn insane. I don't want to be doing this. Oh my gosh, true. Give me something that I'm like a dad is saying. I guess something like calling my vagina my pinkness or something like just a poetic or lame, you know? Or maybe they've already been like annoying me all night and I'm ready to break up with them.

And I just kind of like throwing them what I get. I felt like I'm like, I got to a point where I felt amorous enough to like start having sex and then we're in the middle of it. And I'm like, I hate this. If I ever find myself having a sexual encounter that I am not enjoying, I cannot not stop it. And so I fear even getting into one,

because I know that if I betray myself, because I remember, I've had to stop guys mid sex before, because I had the thought of like, if I let this happen, even because I know I hate it, I don't wanna be doing it like, if I let this happen, even because I know I hate it, I don't want to be doing it. And if I let it continue, I'm like raping myself with it. I'm betraying myself. And so I've had to stop these guys because I couldn't let myself do that to myself because

I didn't like it just so I could save, not make this guy feel embarrassed. And it's led to guys feeling really weird and embarrassed, but it's not my fault that I'm creeped out of all of a sudden. I didn't choose to want to feel that way. So I have a lot of fears of that moment striking where I have a sudden repulsion and want to run away. And I don't know if that's relatable to anyone, but it's just a weird truth I've found about myself

regarding sex because as you probably know, I'm like known as a sex comic, but I'm only known as that because I have so many issues with it. And I'm, I've been actively trying to just be, comedy is honesty. That's what I like about stand-up comedy is like, it's an excuse to be totally honest and that's what people expect from you. And all the things that I wanted to talk about that I couldn't, all the ways I felt weird, were suddenly validated if I made them funny.

And I think that that's where I am in life now, is just pure honesty across the board in everything I do. And in terms of what I was thinking to tell you about and as like my habits, I don't have, I was just saying on my blog this morning, I don't have habits. And that's the key to like a successful life is habits.

Like I've heard that many times, like I'm missing out on, like that's what your whole, platform, your whole business is based off of habits. I don't have, like I think we'll find some once we start talking. But I did realize that the one habit I have is, I am always honest. I always strive. If I never intentionally am dishonest ever, and if I am, I stop and I go figure out a way to let that person know that I just said I had four ZVS today,

I really had five. Like I literally need to be that honest. Like, if I try to slightly skew information, I get into a tricky area where, again, I start to feel like I betray myself. And where am I lying? Where are you like? It's like, so like, there's so much unpack with what you said. Sorry about that.

That was my TED talk. No, no, no, that was great. You did a great job. We're gonna put that on YouTube and you're gonna get a lot of, if that will go viral, for sure, no, great. You did a great job. We're going to put that on YouTube, and you're going to get a lot of, if that will go viral, for sure. Oh, God. I feel like there's so much there.

Number one, I mean, I'm even going to work it again. I was going to ask you about that Taylor Swift thing because you mentioned it. But we'll talk about that later. That's all part of this. Yeah. Yeah, it's all, but like, first of all, even when you said this whole, you know,

your whole, that whole soliloquy, it was so funny in your tragedy, or in your awkwardness. Like have you always had that like, even as a kid, because I know that, you know, your whole, you started comedy when you were in college, right? Like when you're 18 years. Yeah.

But were you really funny as a kid? Were you always able to kind of express yourself like this? Yeah, no. I wasn't able to express myself at all like this? Yeah, no. I was able to express myself at all really as a kid. I mean, that's not true. With my friends who were the funniest people I've ever known, I felt really like seen and like I could be very honest. That is why I feel so betrayed by my best girlfriends because they, I didn't start masturbating

until very late in life because I just didn't know about it. I truly didn't know about female masturbation. No one told me. And all my friends were doing it. And I go, I, if I was doing that, I would have told you guys about it. I would have been like, listen, they were all doing it and none of us talked about it.

And that made me like really question my friendships because I was like, I couldn't believe we all were doing this thing that we didn't talk about, but it was, you know, that. There was shame around there. That's why I shouldn't have asked. It was going around it. There was so much, I had so much shame around sex,

but even now. Even now. Now, before, like, now I don't, now I'm like, very proud of myself to be able to have sex. Like, I'll get into that in a second, but to answer your question about being, I always loved comedy, but I was always very dark. The thing is I was always honest.

I was always able to really capture an honest moment and cut through the bullshit around family members and say something that would just make everything awkward because I was calling out what I was seeing. And I learned early to not do that and to find shifty ways. That's what comedy does. It's find shifty ways of pointing out the just truth because sometimes it's hard to swallow.

But I remember always getting reactions of like, why would you say that? And I'm like, because it's true. And they're just like so gross though. Or it's like getting a lot of shame for the way I thought because it was very dark. And then I was able to turn that, that's pretty much comedy, it's just like being dark

and it's just honesty. So I think it was always able to be honest. It's also observational. The best comics are the ones who can point out something that is so true in life, right? And then like, you haven't seen yet. And all of a sudden you go, whoa, that's undeniably true. And I never thought of it.

It was like a thing. That's the best. That's the goal of doing comedy. And so when I kind of understood that and it kind of synced up with this point in my life where I just have a real mission to never lie again the rest of my life for any reason ever. And that fits perfectly with my career because that's all I need to do.

As a community, I literally will be fine. I can be not funny. I can lose everything. I can lose everything. And as long as I'm able to keep telling the truth in ways that people cannot for some reason, I'll always be fine. And all I have to do is just say what I'm thinking,

all the time. And sometimes it gets you in trouble, but I'm not a bad person. So if I say something stupid, it gets me in trouble. I reason that if I get canceled for say something, I rageous, it's probably, I know it's, at least I thought it was true. If I'm wrong, I'll apologize and make sure everyone knows I was wrong.

And three, I'm not ever trying to cause me when harm. So if I do apologize and if I accidentally cause harm It was a fucking accident and I'll be okay But I'm really at this point my life where it's it's so nice all I have to just do is be honest tonight That's all I have to show up and do ever. Well, it's funny because I feel like you said something also There's so many I'm gonna make notes here because you're saying so many things that I have notes here They're the first is that your first? Yeah, but ZBO or no. No, this is like my fourth of the day.

Oh my god. I'm addicted to these for sure. I know, I know. It's terrible, but it's the least of all my things. But I just want to even say, when I really mean like, it's all I have to do, it's really all I have to do. When I showed up here for this interview, I did not need to tell you that I haven't listened to your show.

But it doesn't serve me to pretend I have. You know, like, it's probably common, podcast, currency, as I guess I've done it before. We're going to pretend that I know their work and I'm familiar. The truth is, it's okay that I don't know your work. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person or that I'm, you're, I'm busy, you're busy. I would totally be understanding if you weren't new all my work and I was on busy, you're busy, I would totally be understanding if you weren't new all my work. And I was on your show.

You know, like, I'm not a bad person because I don't know your work. In fact, you know what I mean? And so admitting that to you, and sometimes I'm on stage recently, and I've gone into an area where I'm just, my joke is like the idea I had for jokes sucks. No one's buying it, nothing funny,

and it's flat and all these people are excited to see me. They pay to go to the show, and I'm bombing. I've just started going, just saying exactly what's honest in that moment. I'm like, that joke was terrible, which is always an out, because you're cutting the tension, because you're acknowledging what the audience feels.

That's an always an easy out for comments, but I go, I literally said to a crowd the other day and go, I know that you expected more from me. You saw me on YouTube, you saw my Rose Compilations. This is, you literally thought something was different. I'm up here talking about molestation, and it's not even funny, it honestly feels like an off brand Ted Duck, it's not even like,

I'm not even, I just call out what is happening. I'm like, this guy hates, if if you just I don't even have to be funny about it when you call out true things that normally people the most true thing you can't lose and that's what Rose Shokes are is just like the what's the most true thing about this person that no one would ever say and then it's easy it's a bit cringy like you know I just, I just think you're so good at it too. And I feel like how do you do it? How do you like stand up there,

say something about all these people, like Martha Stewart. How did you ask Keanu? Like, it's that thing that it didn't occur to me not to. Right, but that's a big issue. I have your shit in my head that you don't have, that most people don't have, that goes, don't say that in front of the surgeon. That's a weird thing, and it never is trouble.

It's a record to me. It never occurred to me. The first roast I did, I was on the red carpet beforehand and they go, what do you feel about seeing these jokes in front of Rob Lowe? And whoever else was on that, they were saying all the sub-reasonms and I was like, I legit haven't even thought

about how they feel or how these will make like I struggled with empathy until a couple of years go anyway, but especially with this you have to suspend it until the moment because if you even consider their feelings, which I of course I, I realized I did subconsciously, if you sign up for this roast, it is a tacit, kind of not even tacit, you sign a document agreement that you're down to have anything said about you, and you can walk off stage and stuff, but I just feel like it's a safe space to do that. They're signing up for it, they're asking for it.

I would never, I'm not someone who's gonna roast you in the front row, and people are like, then who is the front row of your show? I was like, I would never say a bad thing about you unless you said something bad to me. Like I don't like to tear people down that aren't asking for it literally or just by, you know, their behavior. And even then I don't like to do it because usually when someone's heckling me, it's their

drunk. And I have so much compassion for anyone who's an addict or is behaving beligerently because of not even alcohol, anger, you anger, something going on at home. Like, I can, when I get heckled now, I just, I have too much. I'm like, I hope you find a 12-step program. I get kind of like funny about how serious I get. I go, I hope this is a bottom for you.

Like, your friends are embarrassed right now. They're not gonna tell you that, but I'm just telling you, like, this isn't a good look. I hope you don't have to hit a deeper bottom than blacking out at my show and yelling belligerent things at me and not really making sense. But this is a bad look and this should be,

I've been there and you have to hit the bottom. This should be yours. Don't let it get worse than this, please. And then she's screaming as she gets pulled out. But I generally like, I'm trying to have to bash it. But that's different. I mean, like when you have these people in front, when you get up there and you have like always people

and you say things that are like so true, but so mean at the same time, has it ever backfired at the end? Like has anyone left the stage with you in the back stage? You know, it's like you're such an owing. To do jokes about Caitlin Jenner that I found out if she, she found out the jokes about her work kinda circulating because I was trying them around town.

I don't know if she heard it was from me, but I was doing jokes about her car crash, and they were, I mean, they were the best jokes in my set to be honest with you. And I killed that set, but these jokes were great. I did them on Howard's side. I forget them now, but I was able to use them later. But she had made it very clear when she heard rumors of those jokes that she will walk

off stage if they are told. And it was no brainer. I was like, okay, yeah, I take them out. Like, I don't need to hurt someone. That means I just am going to build up the other ones. Okay, we got to get back to work. Let's beat those ones. Let's get better jokes.

And but then there was, I remember after one of the rows, I think it was the first one I did, cymbalshopperd. I felt really bad after that because I was calling her fat and old and the thing is she is not fat and old, she is beautiful and I felt weird after that she was so lovely and didn't care at all. She was like, oh my God, because I was like, I, that did not feel good. I, because that was still when I was learning even the last roast I did. I think I would have, after what I've been through, through COVID and how I've changed as a person

into someone who really is just trying to do good in the world, but also will still do roast and stuff. I don't, I think I would have not done some of those jokes. I could look back on jokes and be like, ah, that was a cheap shot, or no one needs more fat jokes in the world, and sometimes someone does need a fat joke. But I wouldn't have gone to a hard and simple

I would have gone harder on Martha, based on my interactions with both of them. Martha, maybe I could have called her out more for being kind of cold and, you know, just probably, I think I said something about like you were my mom's favorite growing up. You taught her about organization and cooking and, um, and I was holding affection. Yes. That joke, that was true. Like my mom wasn't great with affection, not because of Martha Stewart,

but because probably the same cocktail that made Martha Stewart probably not great with affection with her daughter. I was kind of representing daughters of very, just like a, yeah, like a more emotionally cold women, but not because they're bad people, but because they had cold moms. So yeah, but it's fine that you bring out Martha Stewart because like, I feel like that

naughty, that's tame compared to the other things that you've said about so many other people. Oh yeah, her jokes, the word team. And that joke was to, but that, I mean, I'm trying to think of, do you think of, can you think of a joke that you're like, oh my God, I could never say that to that person of mine because I literally can't, like I would do them all. There's like so every joke. Every joke. Then you should kill himself.

I mean, I said, yeah, I said out there. Yeah, I remember that. You were suicidal, you struggled with thoughts of suicide. And I've had thoughts of your suicide as well. Something like that, I phrase it. No, because I knew we had a good sense of humor and also me doing that joke is not going to get them to kill them. I mean, maybe that would be the thing and then I would feel tear.

What if he was like on the verge of it? Anyway, he did not seem to be in that state of mind, so I didn't feel bad. I'm trying to think of, oh, I think I made fun of his wife. But all I said, Ilaria. Oh, yeah, I go hilarious because they told me it was pronounced hilarious. I tried to get it right, tried to like honor the her. The hair is not how you pronounce it. Doesn't have.

Yeah. But I was I honestly thought like is it. So I said, Ilaria and he goes, I go, how does it pronounce it? Because he said, Ilaria and I go, what? And he goes, Ilaria and I go, that's so stupid. And I like, I didn't even, this was before that all came out. I was just like, that name is confusing. And I just on that's so stupid. And I, like, I didn't even, this was before that all came out. I was just like, that name is confusing. And I just, on the spot said that,

but like, I felt a little bit weird about talking about his wife because she wasn't there. But all I ended up saying was that she was like, I said, just getting screamed at, burn calories because she's like so skinny. And so like, my calling skinny is not that bad. I think of others things I might have said, it never has felt awkward afterwards except with Sybil.

And that only felt bad because I loved her so much. And there was just jokes that maybe would have bummed me out. But, you know, I get really sad after these like, I've gone on record to say that Blake Griffin's jokes about me looking like, oh my god, this sneaking suspicion I have that I look so old, so much older than I am, or like I'm ugly, my biggest fear in life is being ugly or it used to be. And that got validated in that moment because no one will tell you you're ugly. I know that, I don't tell people that ugly

if I think they're ugly, but some people are ugly, but I would never tell them, They don't get told, maybe. They don't get told they're pretty, but does that a way to know? So maybe I'm ugly and this is how I find out. And I'm really think you're ugly though, I'm real life, right? I mean,

there are times where I think I'm like the hottest girl that's ever walked the face of the earth. Like your, you're, you're, you're, you're just like, oh my god, like I'm a model. Yeah, I, two more you'd have a joke about that. I'm like, do you ever just look in the mirror and you're just like, oh my God, I'm a model.

I'm like, I remember that joke. I remember the time. And then there are, there's the flip side of that where I don't have it so much anymore. It's not that I don't see myself as I used to. Like, I don't think I ever really had body dysmorphian in terms of like what I was seeing. People would say, oh, you know, I had anorexia

and people would say, you don't see what we see and I go, no, I do, I'm humiliated by it and my life is hell walking, like I know what you're all seeing, I don't wanna look, this is an vanity project, I am, I cannot eat and I don't know what's going on. But I feel like now with the work I've done on myself in the past year in regards to food, exercise, body image,

I mean, I'm in the best place I've ever been and when I have those days where I see, I don't look good, I don't lie to myself and go, no, you're amazing. I don't like this false body positive stuff of like, you're always beautiful no matter what. Like, sometimes I look like legit hell. Like, like I've been studying chimpanzees

in the forest for months. Like, I look Jane Goodall at the end of a fucking dissertation she's working on. Like, I look so awful sometimes. And that, but now when I see that in the mirror, or I see the truth, see those moments, I just laugh. I go, oh my God, look, you look like a legit dude right now, Nicky. Like you look like a surfer guy that if you saw him on Raya,

you might swipe right. Like you look like kind of, you know, there are times where, and my biggest fear would be looking like a dude in the past. Like that's the one that got me as they said, they look like Owen Wilson and Larry Bird. And those were the ones that were like, how terrible to look like a man. I'm like, actually, I don't,

I do look like a man sometimes. It's fine. And it's funny to me now. Like I just, I laugh and like kind of lean into it. Or if I have a day where my pants don't fit and I'm definitely gained weight and my arm looks like the way that I've never wanted my arm to look like, you know, sometimes these things are what your body does. And I just forgive myself in that moment and know that it can change if I want it to. But that right now, this is like what

I'm supposed to be. It was always meant to be this way, accept it, laugh about it. Like I did eat too much last week. It's showing up. That's hilarious. I needed that food to hold my hand through the motions. I was going through last week. And everything will balance out. And that attitude of looking in the mirror

and not going, ugh, fuck, and changing it too. Ha ha ha, look at you. You look like a legit yoga instructor and not going, ugh, fuck, and changing it too. I'm looking at you. You look like a legit yoga instructor named Jesper. Like, I think that, like, just laughing about it and leaning into it and not being so mean to myself, which was always just this thing people told you to do. Be nice to yourself, treat yourself like you were your friend.

How do you implement that? I did not know until recently. And mean, I know how I found it, but it's been a long road to that. I'm so fucking great. I hope it doesn't go away, but this kind of body acceptance that I've heard women talk about my whole life, which I never really believed could happen. Like you could truly love yourself in any way. That means I just want to say I'm still 30. I'm young, 37. I at my clothes or the size I want them to be. I'm the size I want to be. And I'm happy with myself.

That doesn't mean that I know that if something happens to me and my body takes on a different shape out of my will or because I do something that I might not change as a perspective, but I feel like I've seen since feeling this way about myself, I've seen myself have those moments of pure disgust because those moments where you hate your body so much can happen when you're your thinnest. And when you're and let's just talk about thin being the goal, because it, but it's not. But like for my disease brain, those moments where I hated my body the most happened when

I was arguably the theltest side of ever been and like supermodel-esque body looking. And they've also happened at those other times. So it doesn't really matter what size I am. I can always go to that place for myself. And I hope now that the things I do to stay out of those, like those, just like sinkholes of despair, cause once I did my toe and that, I'm stuck. And then I just, it goes out of control. And I don't know that it all relates to the fact

that I saw my cellulite in the floor mirror when I was looking at shoes at Target, and saw that my cellulite on my thigh was a lot worse than I knew living the house. And now I'm mad for five aisles that happened to me the other day, I saw my cellulite and I was like, yikes, these pants are too short. I did the thing where I laughed,

but a couple aisles later, I was like suddenly, like a cool, I was just pissed. I was like mad at my roommate about something that wasn't even going on. I'm just like in a bad mood. I'm like, you were so happy when you were what just happened. I go, I'm going to tell you like, yeah, I have a roommate. Cause I love making my life as good as possible. I hate living alone.

I lived in my parents during COVID and realized that like I went home for COVID because I like being around people. I can't live alone if I'm not out every night meeting people. Like comedy, and I'm doing comedy every night, I can live alone because I'm never home. I'm out all day doing podcasts. I'm not. But when COVID hit, I'd went instantly to people where I could live. I didn't have a husband or roommates or friends that could live with me.

And so when I was with you, so I had to move out of my parents house because it was just a bad look. I could say that for me. I liked it. But I wanted to stay and stay at Lewis. And so I got an apartment here and I asked my best friend from New York, who's my opener on the road.

His name's Andrew. We're just platonic, too, straight platonic best friends living together. And he's like my brother slash cousin, like he's my best friend. And yeah, I got him to move with me. We have a podcast together. And he's like my brother slash cousin, like, he's my best friend. And yeah, I got him to move with me. We have a podcast together. The Nicki laser podcast that we do every day, Monday through Thursday. And yeah, I just, I'm really advocating people getting roommates, even if you don't financially need to do it because humans are social creatures.

Yeah, I'm going to say I need to'm gonna say, I need to be accountable. I need to be accountable. I need to be accountable. Like I will, if I start doing weird things with food or- Well, tell me about that. Yeah, like my food sucks. But you're actually still struggling with it.

And you have good, good, good, good, good, good. I know. Not this moment, but you have good days and bad days. No, not really anymore, because I have a, like, I over COVID, I hit a bottom with my eating disorder, which I had managed for so long. Like it went from, like, I got it when I was 17, I got anorexia, I did not know what to do.

I just stopped eating, and so I quickly was, like, hospitalized. I just didn't know what I was doing. Then, I learned about nutrition, and I learned I learned how to like cheat the system and present as like a normal eater. What are you doing? But I mean, I went through every stage in the past 18 years because I'm 36. I've had need to serve for 18 years now or, yeah, been had disordered eating, and probably before that. I went from anorexia to just,

like intermittent fasting, pretty much, where he just keeps on bingeing, essentially, is what that is. And then, then I started drinking, which made me binge and drink and eat, then I gained weight, then I started blemia. I started getting mouth acne every time I would even think about throwing up because my, and I couldn't, I was too vained,

so I quit throwing up. Then I switched to just drinking and not eating, then it was like, then it was just always a diet, always a new thing. Then intermittent fasting came out, was very popular, maybe five years ago. And in the past five years, it's for four years up until like over a year and a few months ago, I was eating for one stretch of the day from like if I could help it. I mean, but I could help it.

I would cancel breakfast, I would just lie. I would just, and I could say I was in her investing because everyone knows about that and it's acceptable. Acceptable. It's like a fun way for me to have anorexia now because it's a new diet that everyone's doing. Right. And so I would starve all day, live off of latte.

I mean, lattes and maybe eat something if I felt low blood sugar because I've fainted before on stage and that's like, when something starts to affect my career, that's when I'm like, oh, I should start eating not when it's like my hair's falling out and I have no libido and my skin's dry. Like it's when it's like, oh my God, I almost like passed out in the middle of a dick joke.

I've really got to look at things. So I learned how to just like manage it so that I was had enough energy to get through the day. I don't mean to laugh. It's just so hilarious. It's so funny. It's so funny. It's so funny.

It's like, it's because it's funny. It's crazy what your mind's capable of and what you think are good ideas and how you have it. I mean, I think I have it all figured out now. So it's probably, you know, cut to 10 years from now and I'll be talking about how my ideas of this were. But at the time, I just, I did, it was the only, I had drinking, I had pot, I had food, but food was my,

Numerouono would never give that up for anything. I love food. First of all, you don't have to give it up because you have to eat. So I just never was ready to look at that. And I wasn't getting my period towards the end. I would just, pretty much, I would start eating dinner at like after my last set.

I would do a set, then I would go upstairs to the commie seller and I would order like all the salads on the menu, just tons of bobbin news, hummus, like all health, I binge on healthy foods, and then I would go home and I would get in bed and I would eat between like seven to 11 protein bars throughout the night, like I would eat probably four before I finally fell asleep.

Then I would get up in the middle of the night, grab one on the way to the bathroom, eat one on the toilet, like just put it in my face. But also not really going over my calorie limit. Like still keeping it contained where it was like, I have that fast metabolism anyway. And then the next day would starve all day. And then maybe I'd go for a run

where I burned at least 500 calories. So I could maybe make up for the fact that I ate 11 bars instead of seven that night. But I had it, seven's always safe. If there was 11, then I would have to work out. It's like, I lived in constant, like all I looked forward to was my bed bars. All it in my gun,

I kind of screwed of sort of like, I mean, that's a lot of calories anyway each part. No, they were 140 calories a piece. I know, but I would eat it. Which part? I don't even want to say it because I don't want like girls to get an aniracity ideas. Okay, okay, don't say it.

And it's just not because there's such, you know, there's such a thing. I had to figure it out. I was skinny. I don't know. You could read my anirerex when I've come out with an anerexia memoir. Girls will take notes and they'll use them

because I did the same fucking thing with anerexia memoirs. They never helped me. So I'm always reluctant to give out details. But it was an ugly, sad life. And guess what? I'm the same. I'm a better weight.

I like myself more now, not having that lifestyle. And I don't have to do any of that anymore. And I'm not only thinking about food every second of the day, or I mean, when I finally gave that up, I cried like I lost a lover, like someone died, because for me to make a dream of it. It was a turning point. It was a turning point.

It was laying in bed in the morning in my childhood bed and realizing that I didn't have a boyfriend in my life or like at a household because first of all, I'm always on the road, I don't really ever settle down. And the reason I haven't settled down is because I have a raging eating disorder. I can't bring in anyone in my bed because I'm not gonna have a husband if you're rappers

in my bed, I want actual rap artists in my bed. I don't want these like literal protein-birth rappers like I was too many secrets to let anyone in and I was like I got a fucking deal with this. If I want a husband this cannot happen. I can I have a lot of other things that I'll let someone see this is no one deserves to be living with someone who is treating themselves like this. And so I just did what I like, I went to a place, I went to, I went to get help to the place where I'd seen other people get help and knew that that was a place I could go eventually. And I just got the help I needed. And really what I found there was that I, there, what I wasn't different than everyone that I had always thought that I wasn't different than everyone

that I had always thought that I had to eat less because for some reason, for me to be skinny and for me to be the weight that boys want me to be that world wants me to be, I have to do less because I'm fucked up in some way that I can't eat a normal amount. I can't eat three meals a day. I will never be someone who eats breakfast.

And I had to just try. I had to just go trust that I just had to learn to, I had to be forced to feed myself and just turn it over. And turn it over in a way that was like, I'm feeding a pet. It's not up to me what I eat. It's up to, I have a plan. And my plan is you don't get to eat and bed anymore. You say goodbye to any food and bed

through rest of your life. If you want the best life for yourself, could you say never eat and bed again and that's a pretty good life? I'd be like, I was looking at my life and I go, if I never ate and bed again, that's a life I would wish on my niece. Like, you don't need to eat and bed for a happy life.

I'm not sacrificing anything. So, okay, that's would wish on my niece. Like, you don't need to eat in bed for a happy life. I'm not sacrificing anything. So, okay, that's my rule for my life. I'm good at rules. I quit drinking. I really learned to just start out. These are habits, by the way. You said you don't have any habits. These are habits.

These are like non-negotiables that you've made for yourself. Yeah, you will not break, which is not eating in bed. And eating three meals a day, or at least never skipping a meal and never starving myself for the purpose of losing weight. So anytime, and listen, it's not perfect because sometimes I get off on the feeling of feeling a little deprived, it gets me high,

like getting high would, like a drug. It gives me that adrenaline and makes me feel like social and like get energy from not having, it's weird. So I gotta keep an eye on it, but I know that I don't get the fuck with that shit anymore. I don't get to have, I feed myself like a zoo animal, a human zoo animal, there is a plan,

there you do not you are, you do not get less, you do not get, you sometimes you need more because you're going through something emotionally. So maybe you're going to indulge, but maybe the next day, you're, you're not, if you indulge tonight, like, because sometimes, and I don't eat until I'm to the point of like wanting to throw up, which was like all I ever used to eat. I never knew the feeling of eating and not wanting to puke at the end of it. And like going to bed like, oh, my stomach. So now I do eat sometimes to the point where I'm uncomfortably

full and everything in me once to the next day go, oh my God, you gotta work out tomorrow. You have to eat less tomorrow. And I just go, we'll see. If your body wants to eat less tomorrow, it will, like maybe it'll, like, not need as much tomorrow. And guess what?

Most of the time, it doesn't. Like, it balances out. Like, I just, but, but you know what? Maybe tomorrow, I want to eat just as much as I need to tonight because actually I'm going through a breakup right now. And food is a safe way for me to maybe nurture my feelings a little bit. And I needed that and I'm not gonna be mad about that. And I'm just, I just have an approach now of this.

I realize the thing that leads to me over eating and abusing myself with anything is the judgment that I put on myself for the initial misstep. You know, I just heard a story recently from another friend of mine who struggles with the same stuff and binge eating, like some people, I binge eat healthy stuff because I like to never stop.

Like I would rather binge eat salads than cake because I can eat more salad. Like I want more. But some people struggle with sugars and stuff like that and it's one when she bought a thing of Oreos for the next day, she was having the kids, the grandkids over or something. Oh, good Oreos. And next day. She was having like the kids, the grandkids over something. Oh, good Oreos.

And on the way home, she's like, I'll have one. You know, and she has one. And then by the time she gets the subway, one more, two, who cares? Pretty soon, you know the story. It leads to the whole sleeve. The first whole row of Oreos is gone. And the shame that she put on herself

for that first, the amount of like you fat pig, you piece of shit, you look shitty in your swimsuit already, look what you just did, you're so weak, how are you gonna explain that to your husband? Well, all these things, that then leads this woman to have feel so much stress, guess the only thing to soothe that self-hatred is, more cookies.

So we'll go back. When really, you could have just gone, whoa, I needed that sleeve. And it would have just been the goddamn sleeve. So I always think of that one row of cookies, because we all, I love myself have a row of Oreos, whatever that means for you, where I just indulge a little too much, whether it's food or drinking, whatever it is for you, where, you know, like, be, if you, if you learn to be easy on yourself about those things, I really think it can lead to that, those behaviors kind of going away on their own, but it's, that's the habit. The habit I have is just trusting that I'm a good person

and that I'm not doing anything evil and that when I do look ugly or feel stupid or feel lazy or unprepared or dishonest or whatever these things are, it's like, I just let myself off the hook for it. I just forgive myself as soon as I can. And if I can't get there, I journal about it until I fucking do. Like, I just, I can't live in a world where I'm mad at myself. I've been punishing myself my whole life. It's led to me having a career in comedy, but now I just can't do it anymore. It literally can't.

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Get grilling at Whole Foods Market terms apply. Keep coming back, you got plenty of space. Oof, not how you would have done that. You like working with people you can rely on. Like USAA, who has helped guide the military community for the past 100 years. USAA, get a quote today. Well, no, I mean, first of all, it makes so much sense is I think that a lot of people

don't realize that you don't have to be anorexic or Beliemic there's so much disorder eating that goes on and it becomes like such a mind fuck for people, right? That and it is a rabbit hole, right? You can't people are not People are not okay if they eat five cookies versus the one cookie that their in brain says they should eat and they go all out And the problem is the deprivation, right? If you deprive, deprive, deprive, once you have that taste in your mouth, it's like game over. You cannot stop the train. It's gone. It's not because you're weak. You don't, you literally have no control over it. Like it's, it's like, you know, it says random as a weather event at that point. Like you can't feel it anymore responsible for what happens.

Then it raining outside truly when you get a binge or even when you are starving yourself like the addiction, the chemical addiction and the drive to when it eats overeat when you've been depriving yourself both psychologically depriving yourself, like you're bad. You can't have that ants, like needing food, your body, like you're bad, you can't have that and needing food, your body thinks it's in starvation mode, but it and just so often I just find that food disappears because I'm feeling a feeling and that I don't want to feel. And that's the toughest part.

I'm just really trying to feel my feelings more and be just like, but that's still very hard for me. I mean, I'm just like really trying to feel my feelings more and be just like but that's still very hard for me. I mean, I'm on antidepressants. I am on ADD medication. I smoke a shit ton of, I've smoked too much pot. But you know what? And I'm reluctant to admit that I'm just remitted bidding that this week publicly like in media and on my shows because it's not gonna benefit me to lie about it. It's like, if I really don't like it about myself and it's a habit I want to change, acting like it not doing it or not talking about it and being as honest as possible is not going to make it go away. That actually, it's just going to make it worse.

So that's why I like a roommate. I can't like descend into like dirtiness, like I'm accountable. If I want to smoke, I've made a rule for myself. I don't vape weed. I broke it when I was in LA, but generally my rule is no more vapes because you can do it all the time

and you can do it in a way that people won't know you're high. And now I literally have to like light a bowl, like a crack addict too. And it's embarrassing, but it makes me go, you're 37 year old woman on a balcony and you're at hotel in Beverly Hills and you're crouched on the ground because you don't want the people dining below to see you smoking weed. This is not a good, clearly you're shamed about something. Maybe look into this, but me saying that right now is, it's admitting to me that like I was, I'm doing

that not because I'm a bad person, but because I, weed helps me deal with some emotion that I'm struggling with that I haven't figured out another way to handle. And that's okay. And I just, and that's why I like a roommate is because I'll be like, I have to like smoke weed, I have to like hit a bowl. Like I really do feel like I saw a person on the street almost in LA because I looked out my window anywhere. And I'm not making fun of homeless, I'm saying it's like,

it's literally in your face and I saw someone smoking crack and I was like, whoa, he has like the same technique I used to smoke weed and I was like, wow, and it's that kind of awareness and talking about it and not excusing it, not seeing. But it's not, I really have a hard time judging myself about it. And this is one that I like weed is the one that I'm most like, because it has all these connotations that of laziness and being stupid. Like it makes you stupid and lazy.

Like those are the pot-ed things. Or paranoid act. I thought it makes you paranoid too. See, and then, yeah, and I don't need more that. It for me pot, it energizes me. It makes me more focused. It gives me the same effects that my ADD meds do, which is it makes me not wanna kill myself,

not have thoughts of suicide. And I naturally go to those places in my brain. It doesn't mean I act on it, but I have, I just really depression zaps my brain of, I'm just so unhappy and depression, obviously that's like what depression is. But I, when I got diagnosed with ADD over last summer when I was wildly depressed, I realized, oh my God, I've been using pot for this very same for that to treat my ADD, which manifests in obsessive thoughts about wanting to kill yourself.

And ever since I got that treated, it's gone away. But my pot use is still amped up because I'm still dependent on it for some kind of crutch, but I'm just trying to be honest about it. And the only thing I really see at affecting is obviously my vocal cords. Like I can't inhale, smoke the rest of my life. And my short-term memory also suffers.

But at the same time, like I was journaling yesterday, I was like, here's the negatives. Why do you want to get this out of your life, all the less. It's gross, it's smelly, your lungs, and your short-term memory as I'm making less of like, and what? And then I go, the benefits, you're soothing a deep unease that you know is a slippery slope into crippling depression that makes your life impossible to live.

So for now, I'm going to be okay with those side effects of that drug. The same way those side effects are rattled off for a concerta or a billify. Like why do I have all this, I can deal with short-term memory loss. Do you know how I deal with it? I'm on stage and I'm on a riff and I jettison off over here.

I go, I smoked weed before the show, so I would feel good and be in this mood that I'm in. I forgot what it's talking about. Can you remind me? I literally asked the audience that. I just get, I'm just honest. And then they can see man. They might go, Nikki, she wasn't professional because she asked us where she was. Well, because I'm just honest and then you can see man they make a nicky. She was a professional because she asked us where she was

Well, cuz I'm high. Well, that's unprofessional. She was high It makes me want to be here and not backstage wanting to kill myself Exactly, well, there's a couple that doesn't make you tired though, too And then also just to make you eat more because I've found whenever you know, it just makes me starving and I'll eat like 9 pounds of of cherries versus of three pounds I would eat before I eat. Before I eat. I, um, smoking and eating weed is different. So I wonder which one is setting you off on the eating and I know that smoking weed is

famously like makes you, uh, get the munchies. But, uh, there are two different drugs when you eat it and when you smoke it, I cannot eat weed. I wish I could I would never eat it It's really a fact on me because we had eggs and it makes me super paranoid But smoking it does does not make me feel out of control in that way if anything like I said the The effects are not that it makes me want to go like I want to watch Ren and Stimpy and like eat popcorn it makes me like let's cook I like I want to go like, I want to watch Ren and Stimpy and eat popcorn. It makes me like, let's, I want to start a podcast. I want to do this.

Like, let's clean my house. It gives me like a messy kind of like, it's like an upper for me, but it's a more of a focus. And so I can, I, I just, the food stuff, it might get my appetite going a little bit, but it's just something that, I don't know, it doesn't affect me in that way, and that's why I kind of let myself off the hook for being a pothead, because I don't really exhibit the usual stereotypes of it, but also maybe I do, because I don't know, I can be lazy, I don't know, I'm just losing all the judgment. And if it did make me eat more, it's probably good. You know, like I think your defense get down. When you, I think the reason

people eat more when they're high or drunk is because the thing that goes. Right. The inhibition makes you a little bit dumber. And if you ate enough already, you probably wouldn't overeat when you're high. Well, I think you lose your inhibitions and you do what you would normally want to do. You also said the depression, so if you're depressed and you go through that, I know that's one of your things that you just mentioned. How do you do comedy? How does that cause that you can't be funny?

That's my biggest fear is, because I, and now I live honestly, so when I'm, I had to do a fucking podcast last year every day, I agreed to do a podcast every day. I wasn't even getting paid for it. I was volunteer to, because Santa's got taken away from me, so I was like,

give me something every day. I used to do Santa's everyday and radio, so I was like, oh, just keep, I'll do this podcast every day for Comedy Central Radio. And I was about, I wanted to be like taken to a clinic for how depressed I was like, oh, just keep, I'll do this podcast every day for Comedy Central Radio. And I was about, I wanted to be like, taken to a clinic for how depressed I was. I mean, I was wanting to shave my head. Like I was having really just thoughts of despair

wanting to get hit by a car, like not wanting to take my own life, but not like begging God to give me cancer. I mean, like really bad thoughts, like the worst. And I had to do a podcast every day. And it was torture. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. And that's that I've had a blessed life

that that's the hardest thing I've done. But really trying to be entertaining and knowing that people are so, because my listeners were like, that's how I found out about that I have 80-D. People were like, because I keep trying to treat my depression and it wasn't doing it. But there was something else missing and I just talked about enough and got so honest

that I had listeners go, if you ever looked into adult ADD for women, cause it manifested differently, like you kind of check a couple boxes and thankfully I was able to pay for a test because it's all out of pocket and it's very expensive and takes days and hours. But I got an honest diagnosis

and was able to treat that depression, but yeah, it was a test. It was a brain scan. No, it was, you know, they make you do memorization stuff with a person behind a plus thing because it was COVID, but I like kind of remember, she'd give me lots of words and like a lot of like a computer thing

where you hit a button when you see a light to see your focus. And yeah, I mean, I like, I definitely have it and I've always had it and it explains a lot. I'm glad in ways that I wasn't treated for it earlier because it happened when it was supposed to happen, but it's made my life so much easier once I've had that. And it's made, I think, everything else possible. But I think the first step, though, was really tackling the eating disorder and being willing

to say goodbye to these things that I thought were... Like, when I say eating a bed was the only thing I look forward to, and I mean, how would I depress? And that was when I wasn't even depressed. That it truly was, I sobbed, I sobbed when I was finally, was like, did that first night of like, okay, you're not gonna eat tonight because to me,

if I don't eat tonight, first of all, I'm starving because I have an eaten all day. So at some point I have to first eat breakfast and not eat at night. So if I don't eat at night, I'm gonna be so hungry, I'm gonna get to bed. But I decided to just start that day by,

after a binge at night, I forced myself to eat breakfast the next day, even though I was not hungry for it, because I've been to the night before. When you eat. When you eat. I have two bowls of oatmeal with protein powder every morning, pretty much every morning,

if I can fit it in before I like the podcast. And then for lunch, I mean, I pretty much just eat whatever. But I tend to like healthy things and like foods that were developed and I gained a taste for through my anorexic eating. So a lot of my foods do look like, okay, little diety rice cake, like tofu-a cream cheese, you know, secretly healthy. But I love healthy foods and I like seaweed snacks.

I know that's like an air, like I like anorexic foods that I developed today's for during my eating disorder that I have shame around. But it's just what I like. Like the miracle that I found was what I went back to the comedy seller, which I've been going to for 10 years and eating at the same place, the same menu, every night getting the same thing,

a smorgasbord of salads with like, dressing on the side and no fetishies. Well, I was vegan for a while, but, or I am vegan, but, you know, just no oil on the hummus, because they would squirt oil on top or no oil on the bobbin-neutian, just like, always like, I had to modify everything

because if I didn't, and I'm like you, I heard your Ted Duck, when you go, I look at a menu and I go, I know what they have in the kitchen, like put this together for me. Like, I never got by like a salad they suggest. I'm like, okay, so I want this lettuce. Every place is a build your own salad to be.

That's how it is for me. And by the way, so much of what you're saying is resonating, right? Like I rather have nine billion huge salads, because it's more calories is for me. And by the way, so much of what you're saying is resonating, right? Like I rather have 9 billion huge salads because it's more calories or less calories. More volume. More volume. Yeah, I love eating.

I love volume. I love tasting food. I can't like go of that. I'm not going to surrender. That's some people that handle their eating stores really have to surrender. This like eating things that taste good because they have maybe a sugar addiction.

So mine is more about just wanting to deprive myself and that led me to binge. I didn't have a binge problem. I had a starving myself problem. And I don't really have a starving myself problem. I have a self-esteem problem because I didn't like my, why would you starve something to make it skinnier? Like I know I hate doing the analogy of you would never do

that to your your beloved child. Right. But you wouldn't. And that's just cuts through it so much. You clearly don't like yourself. I did not have a problem admitting that I had low self-esteem. I still struggle with it.

And that's why I start myself. And so it's just starting to eat again. Well, as we don't see, women, you don't see yourself. Like, you said yourself earlier on the podcast that it's not like you don't see yourself as skinny, like you know you're skinny while you're doing it, but it's not about that. You can't help yourself. Like it just, I thought it was about that. I mean, started out like that, like I always admired bodies like Paris, Hilton and Marissa and Lilla. You look like Paris Hilton and Marissa.

You look like Paris Hilton, by the way. Thank you. I mean, I try. I mean, it's all effort in trying to. Jennifer Aniston, I was always obsessed with these women who kind of resembled, I already have a thin, a thin child, but then when I started maturing,

I was just not as pretty as I wanted to be, and I thought that, okay, well, I can't control like what my face looks like, but that's something I can control. So, but I didn't know how to ever. I tried to diet, it wouldn't work, whatever. But then I, one day in high school, like a boy, I found out a boy liked me that I liked

and I got so nervous, I just like lost my appetite because of nerves. And then people come up and mountain me on how good I looked even like as I dropped my weight shows up, like losing weight shows up in my face right away. And I guess someone just saw it and was like, you look great, I remember Jamie Nash, who I love. But she was like, you look amazing, you lose weight.

And I'm like, I must have like, oh my God, it's because I'm like, not hungry because I have a crush on this guy, Mike, who might like me. And I might kiss a boy. And I was like, what did I do? Oh, I just like didn't eat yesterday. I'll just like keep not eating. And then I was just like the best at that.

Like I just killed it. Like almost killed myself. And then eventually I just did it for reason to live. I like, with thought I was ugly. Also I was, and when I was anorexic, I mean, I was a walking skeleton. Cause I couldn't eat like fat or calories became poison to me. Like, truly, my life would be over if I consumed them

and it was like that grave where I was like, I would just sob if I had to put anything in my body and I didn't even know why anymore. You know, like it didn't mean, I was well-passed looking like Paracelden. Like, I looked like a Holocaust victim, like being free, like that's how I looked. And it was just, it was embarrassing everywhere I was, I looked like a Holocaust victim, like being free, like that's how I looked. And it was just, it was embarrassing everywhere I went, but I couldn't stop it.

But the only thing that got me to stop was, I just, I mean, I thought I was going to die. I would pray to die because you're just hungry. Being hungry even a little bit is how starving is the worst feeling and also having to do anything but lay in bed shivering is exhausting when you're starving to death. And so I was going to school. I was like, it was just, it was, it was hell. It was hell on earth. And there was no end to it. And then I did stand up comedy. And it's really like a dumb, I feel like it's always just like a lifetime moment. But when I did stand up comedy, I was like, I'm good at something. And I like let Sam Cammie, I was like, I'm good at something and I like something more

than I like being thin or like whatever. I have a reason to live essentially. Before I had no reason to live, I'm just like, what am I gonna be a fucking teacher? Or like, I wanted to be a TV. I wanted to be like, well, this like, the thing you always wanted to be. Yeah, I wanted to just be loved by strangers

because I didn't get enough love as a child, and that's not because my parents weren't so loving. I just was born a really fucking needy, little like really, really sensitive, overly, I needed more. And that's, I feel bad ever saying that I didn't get enough love as a child, but you do not become a standard comedian because you got enough love as a child.

It's just the way it is. My parents couldn't, my parents are like, love me so fucking much and it wasn't enough. And it's a shame, but it's true. So I definitely saw it fame because I thought that that would make me feel loved. And it does, honestly. But you know what? It does it. It, you know what, it does it. It, you know what, it finally does now

because I'm being honest. And so I know that people do like me for me because I'm not trying to be anyone else. And I don't feel like I'm not, because I'm not being dishonest in any way and any time I say anything or like trying to get something by presenting this but I'm doing this. I never feel like I'm having post anything or like trying to get something by presenting this, but I'm doing this.

I never feel like I'm having posture syndrome anymore because I just do, there's no calculation. Even though calculating is actually a good quality to have and women, Taylor Swift gets called calculating and it's like men can be calculating that you get praised for women. But I truly, I don't go by every business decision I make now or every life decision is like,

will this make me happier in a way that will do the least amount of harm that will make me happier? Like if something, sometimes things make you happy that harm others. Like consuming, anything, like consumerism, capitalism. Like seeking money, seeking fame, seeking, just like trying to think for instance, like, will buying a Tesla, this is a thing for me,

will buying a Tesla, every decision I make goes through this lens, make the world a better place than I left it. Like, is that going towards my goal of when I leave this earth, it's going to be better? And I have to like think about that, like it will like maybe I will feel so cool in a Tesla and have such confidence And like this like treating myself well because you are and this is something you earned I'll feel so good driving around in that that like I will be in a better mood to like and have more freedom or energy to start a Thing that brings like is me able to be get out more messages of positivity like maybe we'll do more good so and maybe and I also don't know. And sometimes I just want a massage but or like something so self indulgent and I don't feel bad

about that because the massage is going to make me happier. I used to always just think the only way to gain is for pain. And now I don't, I don't like try to like avoid things that feel good anymore. And question my motives about everything. You're clearly selfish and manipulative. Like there's always that voice in my head. And I just kind of like, let me, I just don't think it's true. I can't be. I don't care. There's nothing in me that if I had a lie detector, I know I would pass it in saying that I like, why would I be a good person?

But you just believe it. I believe it. You said it so many times. I know I know I'm saying, but like, you have to believe it. So many times, you know, like 100 times. But like, why do I, and then that makes me question, doesn't a person that's actually good not need to say it.

And then I go, oh my god, then you're probably bad. Like that's, I actually never ending. I honestly think also, that could be the case, but I also think it's because you really believe that you are and you want others to understand what your intentions are, maybe I don't know. I don't really care if other people understand. I guess there's a part of me that does,

but I really want to let go of that too. Because if I get in that frame of mind of like, does that person hate me? Do they think that I'm this? I cannot control how other people care about me. I don't want to be counted on you too. I got to say something about this. Because I see you drinking that, it's driving me.

It's called B.O. No, no, no, it's B Because I see you drinking that, it's driving me. It's called B.I. No, no, no, it's B.I.K. water, it's water, but it has a lot of like, it helps with nutrients absorption, it has a lot of antioxidants, and you're drinking so much pop and soda, I wanna send you some of this. Oh, yes. Okay, and so do you connect some water?

I love the cells, I know, I drink all cells, sir. It's like all me, like sometimes at the end of the day I go, I have had no flat water. Yeah, like you need to have some like actual water that will be good for you. So I'm gonna get you anyway. Right, and I would love some, and but you know what, even that,

I used to be mad at myself for not drinking water. I just go at the end of the day, go, well, we're still living. So tomorrow's the new day, like I let it go, like stop this, like you should be doing this. You need to do this like, yeah, I don't know. Try it again tomorrow. Like it doesn't, like it's not being lazy.

It's just being gentler, I guess. I don't know. No, it's about doing gentler. No one, it makes perfect sense to me. So basically you're admitting that you like to have external validation. That's why you like being famous. Oh yeah.

I don't, I wanna be, yeah, I still crave being famous. I'm not gonna lie. I like people thinking I'm cool. I always wanna be popular in high school. What do people, like, what do you care people only wanna be your friend or date you because you're famous?

Oh, I'm disgusted by that. Like, that's the thing that I'm really glad that, that I'm, because I've seen people go from not being cool to me, because I wasn't cool in comedy, or they were cooler than me in the comedy scene, and I really wanted them to like me. And now I've gotten a little bit cool cred,

and now they're nice to me, and I just despise them. Not despise them, because that's whatever I have empathy for, whatever made them that kind of person, but I don't want that near me. I even I actually respect people that still treat me like shit. After they, they might be gaining something from being nice because I go,

at least you are a cont through the end. Like, at least you are true to yourself. Like, but when I see someone being nice out of nowhere to me, that was not cool to me before. Uh, I'm so glad that I don't go, oh finally you like me, like, I mean, I'm not gonna say for no, I mean, if, I would be pretty embarrassing meeting a lot of celebrities

that I have a lot of like snarky things to say about. But right, or I have said snarky things about, now I try to talk about celebrities in a way that's honest that I would probably say to their face, but there have been times I've mouthed off about people, and then I would meet them in person, like I'm such a big fan, I'm like,

well, no, you're not. What are you saying? I don't need to do that. I don't wanna do that anymore. And that's how it got into that Taylor Swift thing. I mean, I am a huge fan of hers, and I was mouthing out about her in a jealous way complaining about she was honestly going through a eating disorder herself that she admitted to on her documentary Miss

Americana during the her 1989 phase of her career. As a sw, that's like their 1989, like red 1989 era. She was struggling with trying to say thin and feeling fat and photos and like, you know, she had a lot, she was hanging out with those models and I was so fucking jealous at the time because I was just like not thin enough to like see myself in Taylor's crew and that's all I want is to be Taylor Swift to be a route like, and I was just like felt betrayed by my best friend. Like, it felt the same way that my best friend Kirsten abandoned my best friend from fourth grade till high school,

got, she got adopted into the cool girls and she couldn't take me with her. That's just the rule. And I just felt like Taylor, you're not gonna take me with you. And so I'm gonna, I'm gonna like make fun of you being skinny and make fun of you being friends with models and that gives me that brand.

I don't even want that. I just called it out. And then it was repurposed in her documentary to be in a montage of the reasons why she was going to take a year off from the spotlight because it became too much judgment. And I was one of the mouthy talking heads of like this chaotic sequence in the documentary that was like,

she's too skinny, all her model friends, it's like, come on, I didn't even say anything funny. And I, I mean, Taylor Swift is truly like one of my best friends, like the way I feel about her, like I love, she's, she's changed my, she's part of my like she's actually really good friend like you guys she doesn't know me at all. Have you ever met her before? I've met her backstage before this whole incident and then she also reached out to me after I so I did it a Twitter I did an Instagram apology for what showed up in

the documentary and I admitted like I was insecure I was projecting all over the place and like I'm really sorry that I projecting all over the place and like, I'm really sorry that I made anyone feel this way. And I did it not because I wanted to get her attention. If anything, I don't want her attention because I just don't want to bother her. She's so busy making art that makes me feel seen in a way that nothing else in my life ever has. So I, um, it was, it was a really bad day.

I don't, when the documentary came out, I saw that how it was used in the film because I had heard my voice in the trailer and I knew I was going to be in it somehow. And I was like, that's my voice. My friends were like, you wouldn't say that about Taylor. And I was like, yes, I would. Like bitch, I don't know how to show about you. You think we're friends now. Like, you know, you talk about people you love.

You have like opinions, you know, and I was just feeling, I was probably starving that day and doing an interview. And I was just like, and it went on Buzzfeed or whatever. And in that day that I saw in the documentary, you know, Swifties weren't coming at me like I thought they would. It was more about like I couldn't listen to Taylor Swift's music that day.

And I listened to it every day of my life. You really? Like it's all I listened to. It's not always in duplex's 90% of what I listen to a Taylor Swift. Because you can listen to 90% Taylor Swift and be a person who listens to music all the time, and you will not have to repeat the song for weeks.

Forever. No, I know. Catalina is insane. She's the best person to be a fan of because she's so prolific. And by the way, her newest album, she keeps on getting better, not to even, you know, willow all the cardigan, like her new album is amazing.

She keeps on growing. She keeps on growing as an artist. She's just honest. Like, she's having the same kind of moment I think of where she's tired of giving people what they wanted and then also then going against what they wanted so she can be, you know, doing the other thing. And now she's just like, I just am in love and happy. And I want to go shoot. Like I want to do my own makeup for my,

she's just like being more natural. And like, she might go back to glam because that's what she'll want. But you can just tell she is being authentic now. And that's always what I've liked about her is that she could be so authentic. But that day that I thought I had contributed to her pain was just an awful day because I had.

And I was like, I couldn't listen to her music because it was like listening to, I don't know, it was just like, I felt too bad that I maybe had been not inspired but like made her sad enough to even be able to write this. But I don't know, it was just like, I couldn't do it. And I was like, oh my God, I cannot live without Taylor Swift. Like, what can I do? And I was like, I have to apologize. I don't even, it was just like I couldn't do it and I was like, oh my God, I cannot live without Taylor so I was like, what can I do? And I was like, I have to apologize. I don't even know she'll see it.

I asked, I was gonna ask my agent to like, put me in touch with her. But I knew that they did not want to like, dust this up and get me bad press. So they would have been like, yeah, we'll get the message to her and then they never would have been like, we don't know if she got it, but they would have never sent it.

Like, everyone lies. And so even though I love my reps, like they lied to protect me, I'm sure. Even though I wish they would just always tell me truth, I can handle it. But I just decided to put it on my Instagram because I was like, this is the best shot of her seeing it. At least someone will see it. Maybe we'll get red to her or something. And I put out there and she did see it by the end of the night. She had posted a comment on it.

And but I didn't even need her to forgive me because I had put it out there. I knew she would see it. And that's all I needed was her to just know. I didn't really need the forgiveness. And I was able to look as soon as I posted, I was able to listen to her again. And it wasn't a thing I even knew was going to happen. But I was like, this weight had lifted up. Like, I did not mean to do that to that person. I explained myself clearly why I did it and I was accountable and I did make excuses. I didn't go, but it was just like, this is the truth. It was ugly. I don't like who that was.

And that kind of made me, that set for me an example of how I would handle a situation if I were to be quote unquote, like canceled for something that hurt someone. Like it could happen. I say, Careful things sometimes I'm a human. Okay, so I wanted to ask you about this. You kept on you mentioned it a few times, a whole cancel culture thing.

I mean, yeah, because people's careers are literally just like being just deleted for. Yeah, or even if they apologize, it doesn't seem to matter. It doesn't seem to matter. I, you know what matters to me? I still consume things that people have given adequate apologies for. So it does matter to someone like I feel like there are ways to repent in a honest way where I go, wow,

that person really does realize that they have an addiction problem and they're doing the work. You know, they can't change overnight, but to be able to, I just feel like I know when someone's accountable and when someone's giving you an apology that doesn't work. And I don't really need an apology, really.

To enjoy someone's work, if I'm able really need an apology, really, to enjoy someone's work if I'm able to enjoy their work. Like, I don't think it's a, I think it's case by case basis. I can't, I don't understand why I can still listen to Michael Jackson knowing and believing what I do believe. Like me too. But I still can enjoy it.

I don't know why. I can't change my mind to start hating him because of I saw the duck. I've exposed myself to the knowledge. I still can, you know, there's some people that can see factory farm footage and continue eating cows. I can't. I can't do it. I wish I could. I can't. I can't explain why I can't. I don't know. But I can, I can do it. I mean, I can't, I can eat meat, yeah. Vitamin water just dropped a new zero sugar flavor called with love. Get the taste of raspberry and dark chocolate

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Yeah, no, no, I understand that. I feel like I'm talking about more when people, unless you're exactly on point with what mainstream media is, unless you're saying exactly what's PC. Right. People jump on you, and then you basically have become like ostracized from the community. Yes.

That's more of whatever you're doing. I do have that fear, but I also, I've explored what could happen if that happens to me and I'll be okay. I'm lucky and I'm financially stable enough that I'll be okay. I've never, I save. So I've, so I'm in a good position.

You grew mates. You grew mates. Yeah, I grew mates. I'm not a little overhead. I'm single. Like I have set up a life where if I got canceled in my all my income stopped tomorrow, I could, I would be happy opening a bird rescue

and getting into animal rescue and just having, making a different wage the rest of my life and living off my savings and making it, like I'd make it work. I would, my happiness does not depend on me being famous and wealthy. So you could take everything from me and think I'm the worst, I get branded a racist or a, you know, what else is terrible?

Like a child, like I don't know what, I know I'm not, listen, racist by the way, I've said that before, I know I'm not racist. I need to clarify that and say, I know that it is never my intent to be racist. Now, that does not mean that I am not a part of a society that has racism built into the woven into the fabric in a subconscious conscious and subconscious way that I don't know when I'm, it's not up to me to decide

when I'm racist. It's up for someone else to go, hey, that made me feel racially marginalized. And then I can go, okay, I don't want to do that or I can go, you know, I don't understand that. Explain it to me more. And I know, but I also, but I just know that I'm never operating for a place where if I'm doing a joke about race, I, whether it harms more than it helps, because I argue a lot, like talking about these issues that you, you can't joke about rape, you can't joke about whatever taboo topic,

race or stereotypes. Okay, well then if we don't talk about them, then we don't talk about them, if we don't talk about them, then they don't exist, then we get to keep living in a world where they happen and we act like they don't exist and then the people can keep doing them because you don't talk about that. And then guess what gets to keep happening. The things that you don't talk about. People who are, people love silence. Like the people who are, like I have this whole, I'm working about jokes about molestation, like a chunk, I've never been molested. I want to spread information that I have

to protect more children and to actually possibly reach out to pedophiles who don't wish to be pedophiles. No one wants to be that, to maybe implore them to get help to be pedophiles. No one wants to be that to maybe implore them to get help to stay away from kids. And to acknowledge that they have a defect that is leading them to do terrible things and to maybe like my jokes that I'm making might seem at the expense of victims. But it is I reason that I'm going to do more good with the knowledge I'm going to impart through

my jokes, which is my form of communication and my medium that I work in, then harm. But I do recognize that harm will be done because someone could get triggered by the word molestation because it could send them into that, like, there's going to be harm. Or someone might find something I say, you know, I make a joke off of a racial stereotype. Let's say, I use have a joke where, it's a good joke, too, where I was like proud of the joke structure. It was a very early joke early on, but I said, you know, I always look at a guy's hands to get an idea of the size of their penis. And I was so interested in this guy the other day because his hands were just so black.

And that's just like a stereotype based on black eyes have big dicks. I, you know, no one's, that's not the one everyone anyone's really mad about. But it's also, it is a stereotype that I'm sure some person could be offended by, like, I actually don't have a big dick or I do have a big dick and I hate that people just assume that about me

or it makes us into, it sexualizes black men. Like, there could be problems with that stereotype in myriad ways that someone could actually be offended by an eye-knowledge of it. I argue that I'm not doing that joke to hurt people. And if you prove to me that that's hurting more people, then it's making people laugh and just like, how dumb that's there to them, then I'll stop doing it.

I don't wanna. Anything I can cancel for, I feel like I could just, even if the world hated me, but I've talked to people who have been canceled and seem like they have the worst lives on the outside where everyone hates them. And people, I ran into a comedian who had been canceled and I asked him point blank, like, tell me what it's been like this first time coming out

of hiding, and I'm like, what has's been like this first time coming out of hiding, and I'm like, what has it been like for you? Like in all honesty. You know, this is a guy that people question, would I even sit at the same table as him if he came back at the comedy cell and sat at the table? Would we all get up? And I remember being like, should I get up?

I believe the things I've heard, and I'm not happy with it, but should I get up from the table that I've been sitting at because he just got here? No, I'm gonna stay seated and I'm gonna look at him and I'm gonna ask him, what's your life been like? You know, as a cancel person, I was curious. And he told me a couple stories of having, you know,

one story with his, maybe with his kids at a gift shop or something in a woman kind of whispered in his ears, like you fucking piece of shit. Like said, something gross in his ear that felt like, ugh gross. And I think another woman had flicked him off on the court. Are you telling me these anecdotes of uncomfortable situations

to be in that I really wouldn't wish for anyone because it sucks. And I go, wow, this sucks to be this guy. I was like, okay, I see how this doesn't seem quite, this seems like a hard life. Despite what he's done, it's just, it's a hard life. And I have a little bit of empathy that he's a little shell shocked from living this.

And I was like, wow, and I go, so this is how, like how many times is this happening a week? And he goes, oh, those were the only two times. This is the guy had been canceled a year. What is it? I don't want to say, but it two times this guy has dealt with situations where he felt people were mad at him. And to me, it was just like, okay, even when this person who has been canceled and

It was just like, okay, even when this person who has been canceled by, and like, you know, is associated with the word canceled, and has that much of a canceling, any cancel that I get is gonna be probably less than that, I will hope, because it would be based on nothing because I don't, I'm not a sexual deviant, really, in a way that involves unconsenting people. I'm deviant, but everyone's consenting so far. So if I get canceled, it'll be maybe one, one mean thing said to me a year in a gift shop.

I don't know, I could deal with that. Being canceled doesn't seem so bad. I was just kind of shocked at like, oh, I thought this guy was getting spit on in the street. I mean, that was the idea. That's how I had believed this guy led his life. So I'm not saying that's every cancel guy's experience, but I also think canceling is really stupid

and it should be a consumer decision. I don't enjoy comedians who come out as perverts and they're, or things. I don't enjoy comedians anymore, who I trust. My favorite comedians are the ones that are telling the truth. And my favorite comedians have the ones that are telling the truth. And my favorite comedians have been people,

like, you know, Louis CK. I like Bill Burr. I like Carl Law here. Like, I love guys that are just like, whoa, what the fuck? Louis just admitted his kids a piece of shit. He just told a story about his wife giving a sad hand up like, this guy just like puts it all out there

and I'm fucking like, I just trust him. And then when you learn some information, no matter what, it like when you learn the facts and that's those are hard to get, but when you look at the facts and you go, okay, this person wasn't telling the whole story. I as a consumer don't really, I don't really wanna hear that comedy more,

not because I'm like, he deserves me not to have a ticket to his show. Sure, there's maybe a little part of me, but it's like, I just am not interested. I just don't enjoy, I can enjoy Michael Jackson singing about thriller because it has nothing to do with, I don't rely on Michael Jackson to be honest about looking at little boys' assholes when he masturbates. That's the part of it for me. However, a comedian on stage telling truth about the sex stuff he does,

and then it's not actually painting the whole picture. You're just a... You're not... That's not... You aren't why I liked you. Right, right, right. So I don't really... I'm... Chris Brown, you sing songs about love. Right. I know what you've done in the name of love, and I don't enjoy these songs as much anymore.

I still can't help but love the one where the wedding party is dancing forever, ever, ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's before, I didn't know it was Chris Brown at the time and I just loved it. But it doesn't, that, it's not as easy for me to enjoy Chris Brown as it is, Michael Jackson. I don't know, I think I had more experience

with Michael Jackson, maybe Michael Jackson doesn't. I don't don't I've never trusted Michael Jackson. He's never looked like he was supposed like he's never been authentic to me. So the horrors he's done to children for some reason. I've not impacted my enjoyment of this music as much as you would think it as and I just expect more from comedians. I don't know what it is, but I think it's a, I don't believe that Louis CK, I think it should be a, like if you, if you wanna met your club, I'd met your club, if you wanna go see him, go see him, I don't really, I don't know that I would buy a ticket

because I'm just not interested because the thing that I enjoyed about him proved to be, it was, it was a illusion. Or it wasn't the full truth. It wasn't the full truth. But what I never understood is the other one. As easy, he had that show master of none, you know. Yeah, I'm sorry.

As it was. Yeah, I um, that one was tough too because I mean, I don't even like to get into it because you are, it's so weird. Communions never liked, you're never supposed to talk bad about another comedian's cancellation because first of all, it could happen to you We've seen it and

And we're all supposed to defend each other to the death because we We all have each other's backs Yeah, they use these things. I mean I he is someone that I am I'm already like playing with my tight because I'm like getting nervous talking about his These but the thing is that was a story that that was a woman's experience. I've had that experience before, not with disease, but like, where my, where it, I didn't want it to happen. The sex became too rough. They suddenly get horny in a way that you're like, who's this guy showing up? Like, I was just on a date with Steve and now this guy that's like more aggressive and like it's

a change in tone like horning this makes guys like do weird stuff sometimes and I'm not excusing it but I've been in that situation where you just end up doing something you don't want to do and things are happening that you don't want to do and I and I also relate to being so horny that you say or do things that you, or not having awareness for the experience of the person that you're with and thinking things differently and being not empathetic or like not. I just feel that one's a tough one for me. I mean, obviously I'm struggling with it. I'm not, I empathize with both sides weirdly enough and not because I feel like I've made someone

feel uncomfortable in that way, but who knows? Maybe I have. I mean, I don't know that we always know, in terms of what I'm saying about my standup, I remember hearing a story where I told an abortion joke early on my career where I was just like, I had no idea what it was talking about,

but it was like a good enough joke that I'd said it. And I remember hearing that someone left crying and I was just like, why would that make someone cry? I had no clue that that could have hurt someone. I had no intention of doing that. So I'm wondering if, when I look at a situation and I go, there's intent behind it,

or when there's just like, I don't know, man, this is tricky because I can come at four for any of this and I almost want you to cut it because I just, I'm gonna end it. I'm gonna end it. I'm gonna end it. Okay, you don't know, man, it's tricky because I can come at four for any of this and I almost want you to cut it because I just, I'm gonna come in. Okay, you don't know. I wanna say something about it. Okay, yeah, I understand. I don't want you to get more uncomfortable.

I'll tell you. Yeah, I think with that, the reason why I brought him up specifically actually was, I'm not anti one thing or another, but I will say that women aren't always angels and 100% truthful either, right? You can do so. I've done a lot of things there.

I'm like, oh, shit, I shouldn't have done that. Or I regret dating that guy or going out that guy. I just felt like that one was unfair in a way. And there's no way to even defend yourself. A lot of times you get into these situations where, because of me, the me-to movement where then you're even as a guy, then it doesn't mean not every woman

is 100% always telling the truth. And I'm not saying that the women are, they shouldn't say their truth and be honest and all that, but there are sometimes where it is a little bit like, I don't know, you know, and then. I know.

Yeah. That is the tricky thing, Jen, is like, who do we trust? Like, who do we believe? You want to believe women because they're so often not believed. Right. And it's supposed to believe all women. And then sometimes you go, well, I've lied a lot in my life. And sometimes I hear things about women.

I'm like, we're not that great. Let's see, is that like a leak? We're just feminism is, it means we're equal. Like, we can be just as scummy as men. I've met women that are just as disgusting and I've been with just as much immunity and, you know, just ego and misogyny. And misogyny, and they use what their assets to get what they want.

Like, I mean, I'm not gonna sit here for 10. Oh, I've never done this or have played up this so I can get X or Y. I mean, that's just not, that's like bullshit, if I said that was not. So then coming from that perspective, sometimes it's like, it's not fair. So that's why this whole cancel culture,

sometimes there are times when it's like, oh my gosh, it's just not necessarily what you see. There's always two sides to a story. And then I know. That's why I just gave up and then and go, I don't know because you know what? I don't know. And sometimes it's just gave up and then go, I don't know, because you know what? I don't know. And sometimes that's a cop out,

because people go, well, then get the facts. Talk to the girl, read the whole thing, and I go, I don't have time. Honestly, I don't have time. And that's okay. And it does me a bad person, because I don't have time to look into, like someone recently posted about,

like, there's comedians, all the shows in LA, there's too many men, not enough women on shows. There's always one woman per show that's always the joke of like, they can't have more than one woman. It'd be like, you know, they'd have to like label it like, you know, tamp on Tuesday or whatnot. Like, it has to have a theme if they're gonna do women because there's only one. And someone tweeted at me like,

what are you gonna do about this? And I'm like, nothing. Honestly, I'm not, I not, I'm aware of it. I can't, I got a lot going, I got a podcast, I do every day, I can't do it all. And sometimes I talk about animal rights because it's one that really lights me up. And then it's on a day where there's a human rights issue going on

and people don't wanna hear me talking about, don't eat meat meat I can't that it's just the thing that I'm good at Spreading information about so it's better for me to stick to this than the other ones because I'd the other ones Intimidate me or I am fearful of being ignorant and I feel maybe I'm feel guilty And so I don't want to look into my white guilt or whatever it is. You know, like, it was weird during Black Lives Matter to have any vegan messaging. It felt weird to me, it felt out of place, but at the same time, I was like, it doesn't mean that animals aren't still, that's my thing, that I'm good at disseminating information about. And maybe that means I need to go take a course so I can learn it. And I, when it feels, when I know it's time to do that,

it will be time to do it. And you just can't do it all. But I try to just admit when I don't know. I just don't know. And I try to trust people to let me know when they're upset with me. Like even on my own podcast, I tell my listeners, I'm like,

if I say anything that you're just like, what the fuck, we trust her her and that opinion was not cool. And I felt like sad that my friend, Nikki, like, would say that. Will you write to me and tell me that you're upset because I don't know until you let me know. And I either want to apologize or I want to hear more why you experience that way. Because empathy is new to me. I used to think everyone should just think the way I think because that's the way I think and I'm right and it's a new concept to me that people might be have a different kind of right and that's okay. It's like I need

to I need to constantly be open to being wrong and that's there's freedom in that like I love apologizing when I really mean it. I think it's the best feeling in the world. When I really go, oh my god. I literally need to tell you sorry because I hated you. I just told this to an ex boyfriend. I go, I made a sport of hating you for nine years. And I'm disgusted by it. I can really look back at myself.

I was not ever ready to apologize to you, but I wanted to make your life hell for nine years. Anytime your name came up, I wanted to trash you. I wanted to cause you as much harm as you caused me because I hated myself. And the thing you did to me was confirmation that I wasn't that I was right. And it was the first time I had actual confirmation that a guy did something mean to me. And like, and I use every part of my, everything in my arsenal to make you have a bad life. And I don't think I'd do that to someone now

who did the same thing to me. And I was able to admit that. I, like, it just was freeing. It was, I was wrong. And I can admit it because I don't wanna be that way anymore. And I'm not trying to get anything out of this guy. It was just like, I don't know, I don't feel bad about admitting when I've been wrong.

And do thank God because I am a lot. Well, do you date a lot of comedians? I used to, because, but I went through them all. And I literally dated, I've gone after every comedian I wanted to. I like, there's not really that I know. Which ones have you dated? I mean, I don't own record, I've dated. I can't talk about a lot of them

because they're like with people, they like cheated on with me. You know, it's kind of that kind of thing is like when we dated, they were like kind of cheating on their girlfriend who they're now married to. It's just like, I was just like a drunk person that hooked up a lot and like had little like dalliances with guys, but my relationships have been like,

you know, there was a single who was comedian that is not even doing it anymore. He was my first boyfriend, I was 24. And then my like, I dated the guy that I was talking about. He was a rapper slash comedian, brilliant rapper, his name is Zach Sherwin, and really probably one of the first nice guys I did it, and I broke up with him and he wrote a rap song

about me having bad breath, and I was so hurt by it that I said, don't ever talk to me again, I hate you, and continue to trash him any chance I could, and made him feel very ostracized from the comedy community because as I got like cooler, I would like try to not like, I wanted him to not be happy because he embarrassed me so badly

and now I realize he was dealing with his hurt in a way that was not healthy and he admitted that and he admitted that right away, and I was not willing to forgive. And I, now he wrote me the other day because he heard that I was a vegan. He said that, oh, I realized since you're a vegan, you're probably ready to let, like, forgive for that.

He was like, that was my first indication I had to begin. So he reached out and I was like, I am so embarrassed that you were, you had to be the first to reach out, because I've been ready to get ready for an apology. I just sent him a tower of text. And now we, then we said, I love you. And he's coming out of my podcast next week so we can talk about like this 10 years of us like hating each other from afar.

I mean, it's, it's sad. But my relationship, I mean, I'm really fucked up when it comes to guys. But I'm finally like feeling very, like I'm, I'm exactly where I want to be. I, I'm really fucked up when it comes to guys. But I'm finally feeling very, like I'm exactly where I wanna be. I'm fulfilled sexually. I get that. I've finally, I was always trying to look for a relationship to feel my sex life

because as much as I'm scared of sex, I'm obsessed with it and I love it. More like it's my favorite. It's like, I love it like a hobby. Like I love playing guitar. I love it. Like people love tennis or golf. Like I wanted to be a part of my life forever.

Like I'm really, I like it recreationally. Like I don't need it to be tethered to love or procreation. Like I enjoyed kink stuff and I've always felt really embarrassed of that stuff and kind of like, not shameful, but like, oh, you're just trying to be sexual so that people like you more, but it's like, no, I just love sex and I'm finally, I started looking at it as like,

can you define a tennis partner? Like, you don't wait to play tennis until your husband, you hopefully you find a husband who likes to play tennis so you can share that hobby, but you don't wait to find a husband before you let yourself play tennis. your husband, you hopefully you find a husband who likes to play tennis so you can share that hobby, but you don't wait to find a husband before you let yourself play tennis. Go find a tennis. So what I found is like,

as long as I don't have penis and vagina sex with a guy, that's something I'm saving for love and a relationship. I can do anything else and really not get attached and not get as hurt as I have in the past. So that's another habit I have is I I don't have illnesses in my vagina. Well, you don't like penises? No, no more. So what do you do?

I do. I mean, I'm a big old, I'm into anal, I'm into fingering, I'm into, I don't even need literally I could sign off and never have a penis. I mean, a penis in me again, like how do lesbians have good sex lives? Like a guy can do just the same things like a lesbian, which like dildos are amazing. The best sex I've had is literally with, is by a man who has a great penis but is using toys. penis, but is using toys. Exclusively. I just like being tied up and just like, forced to come pretty much because I'm such a control freak. I don't like orgasms feel like,

no, I'm gonna shit everywhere or something. Like I was scared, I'm gonna lose control. Like it's too wild for me. So I have to be gonna be forced to do it as a control freak. And so I like being tied up and all that stuff. Like I like being like kind of like a slave a little bit. It takes me out of my control. It's not even like the lack of control.

It's really good for my mental health. It's so weird that it is, but you know, being called a dumb stupid whore who's only good for being a com receptacle makes me feel better later on in the time. I know that's so wild. I'm so sorry to say this on this podcast. But like I used to have a lot of shame of like wanting to be belittled and kind of degraded in bed and like what does that mean to myself? I just want a moment where I don't have to worry about anything and if like, and that it's just, it's just very freeing to me and almost meditative.

And as soon as I was able to separate those two and be like, okay, this is something that is self-care is having sex, force yourself to find someone to do it with in a safe way. And now that I found that, I'm like, oh my God, this is gonna make me, I think this is gonna make me finding a husband a lot easier. Because I think so too. I think so too. I look for a buddy that's like not,

I'm not dependent on a husband to get the sex. I'm now, I have the sex. And now if a person comes along that is amazing, I can't wait to make love. That's something I'm saving for marriage, but sex, I don't want to make love. That's something I'm saving for marriage, but sex, I just want that to be dependent on a relationship. I can't because relationships do not come my way that often.

And I can't be depressed all the time because I can't get a guy to settle down or I can't be attracted to a guy that wants to settle down with me. I haven't been able to be attracted to the right people to have a consistent relationship with or the people I'm attracted to don't aren't like don't want to be with me. So there's something holding me back from that and it ain't sex anymore.

That's right. I'm now playing tennis a lot. If it hold on. It's a double suit. I'm just kidding. Yeah. Right. That's what it is. How did you like you talk about this stuff so freely.

Like, what do you think what your parents say? Like, this is like, you've got to do it. Some of your jokes, I mean, I'm uncomfortable like even like to list, I gotta make sure there's no one around me when I'm listening to like, when your opening is for banging on, banging on Netflix, that's an opening. Yeah, I should have had a warning like, get your parents out of the room.

I should have had that, honestly. Oh, honestly, I was like, this thing would- My parents out of the room. I just did that honestly. Honestly, I was like this thing to it. I was at that taping at the first one and Jen it was the first time ever that I thought about what it might be like being there. I saw my dad's head. He has like a head like a turtle. It was poking out of the audience. They were very well lit.

I didn't expect that even. I already don't like to see people say this. I see my dad's head and I'm talking about like choking on a dick. Oh, it was. It was. Stopped and I go, you guys, I almost left it in the special. I go, you guys, my dad is here. I just have to acknowledge, I'm saying this for my dad.

It just dawned on me that this might be hard for him to hear. I swear to you, my empathy is in such a lag that I couldn't eat. I never, I never considered their feelings, ever. And for me, it was like, well, your daughter's gonna be famous and I'm gonna take care of her you and your older. So whatever means I have to getting rich so that you don't end up in a state run, nursing home as opposed to the dope one I'm gonna get you into,

that's gonna have the word of states in it. Like you're benefiting from me doing this. And now I'm really seeing the fruits of my labor. But yeah, when I started out in open mics being like, my mom, like, you know, complaining about my mom's drinking and talking about, you know, getting abortions, even though I wasn't even having sex. Like talking about sex, I don't know. I just, I'm really grateful for the fact that I don't care about sharing that stuff and that, I don't know why though. I don't, I just don't care about sharing that stuff and that I don't know why though. I just don't have the thing that people have

that goes, don't say that. And it's embarrassing sometimes because there's nothing worse than being the girl where people go, TMI, I hate making people uncomfortable being like, I don't want a picture, like I don't want, the fact that my roommate might ever hear me have sex is horrifying to me. But him, me talking about my sex life to him is not embarrassing. But like,

if he's uncomfortable with it, like, or if he's not, I don't want to be, I don't not trying to talk about sex to turn people on or make them feel weird. And if they do, if I get that sense, then I stop. But when I talk about it on stage, I try to do it in I get that sense, then I stop. But when I talk about on stage, I try to do it in a way that's funny enough that, or it's in a dark enough room that people can kind of just slink and not feel as weird. And I don't know why I don't have that thing. Like, you know some people just like free climb and you're like, how?

Gee, yeah, does your body, like, you have that thing. He doesn't have that thing either. He doesn't, he doesn't have the thing for heights. I don't have the thing for public humiliation or like having sports stars. I watch sports stars, Jen, and I admire them so much because to me,

that is, I could, and I wanna do that. I secretly wanna do that. I would love sex is my favorite thing to do. It would be like mixing my favorite activity. It'd be like, you know, the way people play tennis recreationally, they're like, really much like I could go pro. I would love to be a porn star, I really would.

But I will never let myself do that because I don't wanna be naked on, like I don't want anyone to actually see me naked. I don't mind if I describe me naked and doing sexual things all under the guys, by the way, of Mickey Laff, I don't like when my comedy turns people on. Like I hate when guys are like,

I was rock hard watching him, like then you didn't hear laughter and sex. You're not never trying to be sexy on stage. I mean, sometimes I'm trying to look good because I want the visuals to be like, oh, she's hot, let me listen to her. Maybe I'll be using that sometimes and because I like to look sexy sometimes.

But I never'm trying to turn people on. And so when I do that, I get grossed out or when I just make people go, ugh, or like too much or a girl will go, my biggest fear. This was the thing that happened. I was on stage doing some bit that was probably too gross and too much information.

And it was one of those things that I was putting out there because it has a comedian a lot of times, you put something out and you think it's just you and then you say it and people laugh and you go, not only are they going, oh my God, me too, you're going, thank God, someone out, you up there taking a risk of saying something that no one will laugh at.

And one time no one laughed at the thing I admitted and I go, that one was just me. Like that I knew, like in that moment, I was like, that is shameful, that is not relatable. And I remember this, what, it was something about like swallowing comments, like something disgusting, right? And this woman in the front row goes, ew, and that's my biggest fear is like a cute girl, like a popular looking girl going, ew. And I just go, and I got defensive and I was like,

so you've never, oh, you've never swall, you've never tasted, come, oh, really, ew. And she goes, she goes, no, I have. And I go, what are you, ew, and she goes, I just like, wouldn't say it on stage into a microphone. I was like, you're right. That is it.

Like, what is it about that? I loved it. I thought she was shaming me for Xwall and Cumb. She's shaming me for saying it into a microphone. And guess what? She should. That's insane. What am I doing? And it was just one of those moments where I was like,

okay, that. You're right. You should do me. Right, right, right. You know what's amazing though? It's not just a one joke or two. Like your bits are like, they go on, and I mean, they are funny.

I mean, homers Odyssey about blow jobs. Yeah, it's an epic journey. It's a, and it's like, I'm like, okay, like if someone's around me, I'm like, oh my, okay, she's finishing, it's gonna be moving on to another one. And then there's a whole other riff about it, and it gets even more.

I know, I know. I know, I know. I know I do it. It makes me sad to even hear that people might have this experience. So, let me do a disclaimer next time to just be like, just because I want people to have awkward things where they're like, I turned it on, my dad was next to me. I'm like, what were you thinking? I'm like, like, something in me goes, why are you watching that with your dad?

But then I realized they just didn't know. So I honestly think it's a funny idea to put up a disclaimer of like, if your parents are in the room, either they're really cool and you trust them and you have that kind of relationship and maybe you should go to a therapist and talk about how you're too close to your parents, or get them out of the room. Now, like there's to be something funny like that because people should be, well, I mean, I hate watching people with parents with my parents.

You're so right. I love that. And I just, I hate watching awkward things with my parents. You're so right. I love that. And I just, that's a great bit. That's gonna be really funny. I'll start out that way. I'll be like, if you're watching at home, get your mom out of the room. Like, I could do that. You can't express me.

Say this girl I talk to, Jennifer, you got to refer me because I will be watching it. And I'll be like, yeah. I might not be in the special because it would just be too much of it. I'm just being honest with you. If I do that, but I will always, people will talk about that moment. And I will always say I came up with it with you because of your description and always credit you.

I love you for that. You know, because of course, when I first even like came to know who you were, I was like so shocked because, you know, after talking about all of this stuff, like yourself, the steam and your anirex, it's interesting because you're like this hot blonde tall blonde girl who looks like a model.

You don't expect that kind of verbiage to come out of your mouth, number one. And so when I first listened to you, I was like, no, no, no, no, let's see what she has to say on the rose. And then boom. And I was, it was like so shocking. And so that's kind of part of it. Like it's not what people expect. And then, you know, then there you are, you know?

Like that's, yeah, I didn't intend for that ever to be the thing. I definitely always loved Sarah Silverman. And she would always like, you know, she'd say things that were like really inappropriate, but she'd be like, I didn't even know what I'm meeting. Like, I'm just like, it's just true. Like, that's, I loved about her as she was presenting true information through this lens of like, and a lot of times it was I radically raised her, what are she's playing a character that was just like,

oh, Tiri, and you couldn't hate her for it. And I just, I obviously was fascinated by that kind of character that she had developed, which is kind of her. Like she says, she is a cute, innocent, well-meaning, good person that says dark shit, and I just loved it. And so that, I think there was something in me that liked that switcheroo of like, oh, you expect this, because that's what all comedy is, is like, it's surprise.

Like, oh, I didn't think of that. And that's, and so it adds to that surprise element, but in terms of like, looking like, like, if you say like, you know, beautiful and tall, model, like, those were all things that I just, they might, they do ring true for me sometimes, I do feel like, oh wow, I'm legit, so beautiful, like I never even knew that I could be this hot

or this glamorous or look like this red carpet ready. Never in a million years did I think that I could look that way. And I do. And I let it in. I'm like, wow, you are fucking smoking. You're peaking tonight, glazed. But that's never been,

that's actually something I struggle with more than anything because I've only learned, that's actually something I struggle with more than anything because I've only learned how to look hot because, and I say that with quotes if you're listening, because I've learned that I've been around long enough I know how to do my makeup now, I know how to make my hair look good, I know spray tams elevate my hotness by three points, fake eyelashes elevated at other one point,

so I can go in one spray tan and eyelashes, I can go from a six to a 10. Like literally, that's like, these are my, I know how to dress now. So I figured out means of doing this and becoming more rich. I can stay beautiful longer because of treatments and stuff. So I have access to all this stuff.

So now I can get hotter. And I also, I don't know what to do with that because when you're a comedian, you're supposed to be in, stay in your lane, don't be hot. There's a lot of like, why do you need to be hot to be funny? And then there's parts of me that go, okay, people just like me because I'm the young hot girl. Like when I first got in the scene, I was like 21. Like my thing was she's young. And, and then that was my identity. And now it's like, oh my god, was she's young. And, and then that was my identity. And now it's like, oh my god, well, what if I get old

and not hot, people aren't gonna like me. And that's why I moved into radio because that does not, is not dependent on your looks. And I'm like, if I can get people to like that, then I'll have proof that it's not about my looks. And I, I just, I've always been obsessed with that. And now I, I grapple with wanting to feel sexy and dress sexy. I've all these opportunities to like really get like where these insanely like sexy dresses

that I've always like would love to dress like these celebrities. But I'm not, I'm a comedian and you're not allowed to do that. And it's like, why not? Like, right. I don't understand. Like, I've always been scared that other comics will judge me and think that I'm not a real standup because I'm so sad. I'm a girl that wants to be perceived as hot.

You must be so sad. And it's just who I do like to be perceived as hot. Sometimes it makes me feel good. It makes me feel powerful when I feel like maybe men want to fuck me and women want to look like me. I'm sorry. Sometimes that gives me some weird self-esteem. And guess what? I'm just being honest. I can't help that sometimes that's the way I want to fuck me and women want to look like me. I'm sorry. Sometimes that gives me some weird self-esteem. And guess what? I'm just being honest. I can't help that sometimes that's

the way I want to do. And it's fun to dress up sometimes and wear wacky things and be sexy. And that doesn't mean that I'm not funny. It doesn't take away from that or maybe it does to some people. But it feels I'm not doing it to harm anyone. I'm not trying to make girls feel insecure. I'm not trying to make girls feel insecure. I'm not that's why I don't do fake hair. I used to do hair extensions. And I'm someone who struggles with like thinning hair. I lost a lot of hair drink, COVID.

And I was so obsessed with other women's hair. Like I could not stop every time I saw women's hair. I'd be like, career so full. My I'm seeking all these vitamins, get all these tests on. I was obsessed. And then I went and did this F-boy island show for HBO and all the girls on that show work sentience in their hair. And extensions are ubiquitous.

Like everyone has them in now. If you're on TV, you have them in. And I was just like, and they were optional for me to wear them and they looked amazing. And I was like, no, that's, I'm not good at everything of being like, I'm not gonna unleash a keys and like stop wearing makeup. But that was a lie.

I didn't wanna tell women and I kept it real because I was like, because I was talking to myself. I was just trying to make something for myself so I didn't feel so bad at home looking at full hair. But it's hard when you indulge in the things that make you hotter and to not feel a little bit of guilt. That's why whenever I throw a Paris filter

on an Instagram story, I go, this has a Paris filter on it. Please know that this, my skin is not this smooth. Like, I gotta be honest about it when I can be. But I definitely use that stuff because being hot equals men wanna fuck you. And if men wanna fuck you, they have all the power still. And they might give you some of it

because when men get horny, they get stupid and they give it away. And so I'm not trying to stay fuckable because I want men to fuck me. I just want power so that I can do good in the world. I think ultimately that's, and I want to be safe. I want a man to love me and keep me safe

when the apocalypse comes because I don't know how to work a gun and I am weaker physically. And so there's a part of me that wants protection from a man. So if that means I'm trying to be sexy to get that, I don't know, it's evolution. of me that wants protection from a man. So if that means I'm trying to be sexy to get that. I don't know. It's evolution. I'm just trying to survive out here. Yeah. No, you're great. And I'm like, you know, my body's telling me to have a baby. So everything in

me is being like, look like you're ovulating, which is all things to make you hot. So I can't help that I want dewy skin, the illusion of dewy skin. I've tried to tell the guys to put semen in me so we can procreate. I mean, I don't want that to happen, but biologically, this will be body screaming for me to do. So if that means putting a filter on a picture, you damn right, I'll do it. No, right.

And then you get, I know what the feel, you're so funny. With those filters and people then can actually look at themselves without a filter because they scare themselves. Like they are so used to thinking that that's what they look like. Because people do men are so deceived by filters. The guys that I've talked to that go look at this girl, I go, honey, that looks she looks like an anime character.

There's no skin to them. How do you think that's a real face? And yeah, these girls, I mean, my friend Andrew, my roommate, thought the Paris filter was just like a haze. Like, he didn't know that it touches up your parents because it's so subtle. Yeah. But it does make you like, I would say 20% hotter. And people think it's like, oh no, it's just a color on it.

No, no, no, no, that's a lie. That it, and it's not a bad lie. It's a lie though. And you're, how do you look in the mirror if you think that the Paris of filters, how you look? It must be a struggle and I try to keep it real. I mean, on the dating apps, I put pictures that are like the real me.

I do not, I put pictures that are very real. I don't wanna put a shot that I call like a bam, where you're just like, what? Anything that I can't actually recreate myself, I will not show up in an outfit like that or like I don't put that outfit on I don't put that picture on Instagram on my dating and then I realized I was getting no matches because guys have now adjusted for the fact that they know That you're going to oversell yourself by about two or three points

That they know to just take you from oh she looks like a 10. I'm gonna take her down to a seven She's probably gonna show up and be a seven So when I'm presenting as a seven, they're taking me down to a four and going, what, no, this is the best this bitch can do. This is her lie. And I'm going, no, I'm not like, this is actually, this is, this is me. This is who's going to show up. I know you're not used to that. So I had to start putting on babams and let me tell you, got matches instantly. I just really, I was trying to be authentic and it didn't work because people are adjusting,

knowing that there's going to be a lie on there. And so that's what's happening. Yeah. That is so true. Now, it's also true that I mean, I've every guy, like I know when there was at a baseball basketball game, a playoff game, these guys were with, and you know, these guys who are really successful

have a lot of money, and they're exactly on paper what those girls want to get. These guys are on their apps, they have nine of them on their phone, and whenever there was an off moment or a down moment, they're scrolling through all of the apps in the same three-minute period, and bubble hinge, right? Like, oh yeah, right. All of them at the same time. And then all these girls looked beautiful to me. And I'm like, what's wrong with this one,

this one, this one, this one. And it becomes not even part of, it just becomes a pastime, just to swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe. And they cut and paste the same messages. So it's not even, there's no, there's no like even the culture has changed so much.

It really, it's discouraging when you see the competition and when you watch a guy friend of yours go through their app and make apps, judge, apps making judgments, where you go, why not her? And he's like, I don't know, I just don't like her face. And you're just like, but that's her face is great. Like you get defensive and then I go, wait, her? And he's like, I don't know, I just don't like her face. And you're just like, but that's, her face is great. Like you get defenses.

And then I go, wait, I make the same judgment. That's why I don't, I'll use the apps because they remind me that there's so many single men out there and it reminds me to look through the world like, oh my God, there's so many. There's literally, I know they're single men because they're here, they're out there somewhere. Be more open-minded to them in public.

But I don't often, now I've done a thing on Raya, where I've changed it to only here for friends, because I realize that I really don't like dates where you haven't really met yet or established that you want to be romantic and you don't even know this person and you're sitting down being like, are we gonna sex and possibly get married? Like, that is too much to put on a coffee. And so now I just put them just there for friends. And if a guy is interested in me enough, he's gonna go, what's his friend thing?

Or like, oh, I'll be friends. Like, he'll still try. Like, that's not gonna discourage the right guy. It'll discourage the wrong guy. But it won't step a guy that is actually like, I'll be friends with this girl, and guess what, I don't, every single guy I've ever gone for, we've started as friends, and I'm the one that goes,

okay, I'm taking this to the next level. I don't like, I really need to be in control in that way, and I just found a raya hack to make it work, which is just say you're there for friendships, so when they can't get mad at you when you don't want anything more. Right. I mean, that makes perfect sense to me.

I mean, you do find like, you see a lot of other celebrities on there and do they approach you on that app? No, no one wants to, I wouldn't want to touch me either. So I'm these are very private, especially like really famous ones do not want their sex lives talked about on stage. And that's what I'm known for. So they, that's why I think they don't want to date me. But it could be anything else,

but I don't match with celebrities a lot, but there are ones out there that are very secure and could definitely handle me. And, you know, I've definitely chatted with celebs before, not actually through that app, but there's lots of men that would not mind having their penis talked about in detail on stage by me, which is everyone's biggest fear,

which by the way, it's not something I require. I don't want to, in my merit, if I get married or have a relationship, I will not be someone who's like, my husband did this, at least I don't think. I want, I really am looking for something that I feel so protective of that I'm Taylor Swift and Joe. Taylor Swift does not talk about Joe at all.

They're in love of her life. She writes love songs about him, but she does not ever talk about him in interviews. They don't get photographed together. It's like something she keeps sacred. She's out there in every other way, but that's special to her. And I realized that's what I want in a relationship.

So I'm actually not looking for a man that wants to be talked about on stage. And when they are overly cool with that, it's that grosses me out. So I just need to be with someone who's gonna trust me when I say I won't hurt you. And actually, maybe I will and hopefully I'll apologize, but it will not, I'm a different person than I was before

when I was like, I'm gonna talk about guys who have hurt me on stage and make them hurt. There's a little bit of that in me, but it's just more to like call out behavior that I'll empathize with rather than be like, I want them to be embarrassed. Like I don't wanna ever embarrass anyone ever again. And that was not always the way it was.

And I don't think it was even Taylor Swift, I think wrote songs about guys and got this kind of reputation of being like, oh, she does this break guys hearts and Oregon, her heart broken because she's too clingy and then she writes a sad song and then she's the victim and when, when, it's like, first of all, every fucking love song. Every men write love songs.

Bob Dylan is writing, like, we don't give him shit about it. So it's a double standard thing that sucks, but I don't even think maybe she would write the same kinds of lyrics because she had more venom back than she does now because she likes herself. So it's interesting to see how you can evolve as an artist. And I'm not as scared as I thought I would be at being happy. I don't think comedy is dependent on not being depressed and hating yourself. Like a lot of comedians don't want to go to therapy or get on so off because they think it'll zap that part of themselves. But yeah, maybe I'm not as like equipped to do a roast, but I don't even think that's true. I think I'm

even more equipped because I'm gonna enter some kind of like truth that is also like I'll just I'll transcend the like there's I'll find something like, I'll just transcend the, like I'll find something else, I'll find another way to create that, I'll find a way. Like if me living a life that is just trying to put good out in the world does not sync up with doing comedy anymore, then I'll transition

to something else. I just, you know, I'm not like tethered to being an insult comic, but it is kind of ironic that I tell roast jokes and I'm also like, I'm vegan and I just want everyone to be happy and I'm like telling Alec Baldwin he was a bad father and that, yeah, that, what Kevin Pollock should kill himself. I mean, like I said, I said, one of the jokes I love is Kevin Pollock. I know. You do a great Robin Williams impression.

I just wish you'd finish it, which is just a great joke. It's just funny the way that comes straight up the joke. But also, I don't want Kevin Pollock to kill himself. And Robin Williams would probably laugh at that joke. And Robin Williams didn't even kill himself. He had Louis body to dysmorphia, which is a form of Parkinson's that literally forces your brain to turn against itself. Anyone that kills himself, by the way,

has some brain anomaly going on that could explain why they killed themselves. It's a disease. It's not like they did it. Their brain did it. A thing in their brain. So like me making a, I'm not making fun of that. Yeah, I can still get away with that.

And as someone who's thought about going myself a lot, I feel like I'm in the club. Like, I can break about this. Which I don't even like that either. I don't like people to go. I can joke about that because I've done that because there's a lot of things I want to talk about that I don't have any experience with.

And I still feel like I should have an opinion about them. Yet I should acknowledge the fact that no. I, as someone who has never been raped, it is a little tricky for me to do a rape joke. And I'll hopefully address that if I try to tackle that subject. Wait, wait, wait, before, I mean, not to segue, but from the rape comment, but do people get paid to go on the roast because like, why else would you put yourself in that circumstance? Is it just publicistic and money?

Or besides, it's PR. Yeah, it's a PR mega. I mean, they get that is the biggest thing, as, well, it's a big hit as well. Well, it's a big hit as well. I mean, they get that is the biggest thing, as a comedian, it's the biggest thing you can do. So to me, it's a new Olympics. No, no, no, no. For me, yes, for the celebrity,

they do it for the publicity, I think mainly, but I also, I mean, out bald when donated his jacket, he got like a hundred grand, or maybe even more, I don't know, but he donated everything, but I think they get paid a pretty penny, but I think it's probably to make fun of yourself and get ahead of what everyone's already saying. Justin Bieber, I think it was a great PR move because it made him laugh at himself and it made it just endears you. So I think Lindsey Lohan should do it. Oh my God. I think she's the next

one. I think she's the next one. I think she could really laugh at herself and be great. Is she going to be the next one? No, I just want to say, I've always said that to come and center, I'm like, get Lindsey Lohan, please. That would be so cool. Britney, Britney, maybe when she's a little years out, would be a fun one when she's able to talk about it in an honest way

and is past it. Yeah. Would be a good one because you wanna give these people that have been voiceless like the ability to seeing someone laugh at the thing we've all been saying about behind them, their backs is I think it gives you something as a person that might be someone that, like it takes something from you.

If you're able to make fun of yourself before others, like it takes the power away. So I think it's actually a really cool move for celebrities to do. I, Caitlin Jenner showing up to that as someone who transitioned, who is just, not only being from the Kardashian family, but also transgendered and Republican,

her to show up for that was not, was definitely a PR move, because she's her dish, who's, be honest. Yeah, I'll do anything. But no, it was extremely brave, I thought. I thought that was definitely a PR move because she's her dish, who's be honest. They'll do anything. But it was extremely brave. I thought that was a really cool move, just to be able to laugh and take those jokes and have nothing really off the table

except the car accident, which more power to you. Have batteries, I love it. But for her to go there and laugh about trans jokes and stuff was I think, I always will really respect her for doing that. Yeah, no, I think so too. I also think that there's not very many comedians that use the same people because of the fact that they're so good. Like it's you, Jeffrey Ross. I mean, it takes a while to get good. So they like to like keep you in the stuff because you get better every year. And it's something that, I think, thank God Comedy Central has had,

like, has been able to let you learn. They didn't just see the first time and go, oh, they know that you can grow and I've really grown into that. And now I have a system down for when I do it, it's like, I have a plan. It's like, but it really is the Olympics. I mean, it destroys my body and my mind.

And afterwards, I need rehab. I mean, it's not the toughest thing that I've done in the biz, for sure. It's always like pregnancy. I always tell my friends, like, when I'm going through it, I go, tell, I am never doing this again. I am never doing this again.

Look at me right now. I can't do this anymore. I don't even know what jokes I've been into. And then I have the baby. And I'm like, I can't wait this anymore. I don't even know what jokes I'm gonna do. And then I have the baby. And I'm like, I can't wait to do it again. My friends like, wait, what? So like, it's like pregnancy, 100%. It's like pregnancy.

So you wanna tell us where we can find you in terms of your tour and everything else about you. And then you have the promise, we have to come back and do part two. Cause like I said, like, I can't wait to hear the questions you guys prepared that you need to get to. I'm so sorry.

That's, that's, yeah, oh my God, I, it happens a lot. I should have just warned you, like don't even, don't even try. I know what I'm saying. No one warned me. No, I'm so sorry.

I gotta, I gotta put more disclaimers. I will be on tour all over the place. I don't even know where I'm going because it's too much for me to look at. I literally know the first date, and that's, I can only live day by day because it's so daunting. But I'm going on tour.

It's called One Night with Nikki who is the name of the tour because I just wanted to be, it's just gonna be me telling stories that I haven't told anywhere else and doing and putting together my next hour of material which is already cranking along. I'm very excited about it, but it's just, it's going to be the most fun and ambitious show I've ever put on. And it's my first,

like full theater tour because my first one got interrupted by COVID. And you can get details at Nikki Glazer.com slash tour. And then I have a daily podcast that I'll be doing for the rest of my life, hopefully. And it is like, it's like, you know, morning radio style, you can come in whenever you want, join the show, you don't need to go back through old ones. If you're weird completionist and you're like, I can't start because there's been hundreds of them. Just jump in whenever you'll catch up, you'll get all the inside jokes. It's called the Nikki Glazer podcast since every day Monday through Thursday. And yeah, follow me on Instagram, Nikki Glazer, and I think that's it for now. And F. Boy Island is on HBO. It's a hilarious reality dating show that I hosted in the Cayman Islands a few months ago

and filmed. And as someone who loves the Bachelor franchise and love is blind and any really dating reality show of that genre. This one is awesome. And it's just a, you know, 24 guys show up on an island and 12 of them are there to just they don't care about women. They just use them. They don't, they're their f boys and the other guys are like there for the right reasons. And, uh, and then three girls are looking for love and it all is crazy. And there's lots of lies and deception and I get deceived. I mean, it was wild. I can't wait for people to see it because I've been dying

to talk about it forever. It's my favorite show that I got to host. It's amazing. Wow, I can't wait to see it. It sounds good. Yeah, F Boy Island. F Boy Island, got it. And of July.

End of July's coming up. OK, coming up. Oh my god, we're in July, yes. We End of July. End of July, it's coming up. Okay, coming up. Oh my God, we're in July, yes. We are in July. Are you coming to LA anytime soon, so we could do this in person? Possibly, that would be good. We'll do that.

We'll work that around. I always go to LA based on whenever they need me. Like I always try to, if enough shows are paying for my way there, and like putting me up in hotels, I'll be like, okay, I'll do these three together, and then I'll stay out there. And I'll definitely hit you up during that time

so I can come out and be in person. It'd be so fun. No, I love that. You're just amazing. You're like, like, what is this girl? No, seriously, you're just, you're like, really one of my favorites

and you're even hilarious just talking. Like you're, you're just a hilarious person and you're honest and so earnest and So real which is such a breath of fresh air so keep on doing that because it's what makes you Really like lovable and great really. Thank you I I really appreciate it and I it takes one to know one so I coming from you, it means a lot. So thank you. We're having that the habits and hustle podcasts power by happiness

Hope you enjoyed this episode. I'm Heather monahan host of creating confidence a part of the Yap media network The number one business and self-improvement podcast network Okay, so I want to tell you a little bit about my show We are all about elevating your confidence to its highest level ever and taking your business right there with you. Don't believe me? I'm going to go ahead and share some of the reviews of the show so you can believe my listeners. I have been a longtime fan of Heather's no matter what phase of life I find myself in,

Heather seems to always have the perfect gems of wisdom that not only inspire, but motivate me into action. Her experience and personality are unmatched and I love her go getter attitude. This show has become a staple in my life. I recommend it to anyone looking to elevate their confidence and reach that next level. Thank you! I recently got to hear Heather at a live podcast taping with her and Tracy Hayes and I immediately subscribe to this podcast. It has not disappointed and I immediately subscribed to this podcast. It has not disappointed and I cannot wait to listen to as many as I can as quick as I can. Thank you Heather for helping us build confidence and bring so much value to the space. If you are looking to up your confidence level, click creating confidence now.