Habits and Hustle - Episode 134: Mel Robbins – Personal Development Speaker, and International Best-Selling Author

Episode Date: September 21, 2021

Mel Robbins is a Personal Development Speaker, and International Best-Selling Author. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. “Simple Disciplines.” High-fiving yourself in the mirror. Mel is filled to the brim with these sorts of actionable nuggets- tools, advice, devices that feel so silly and simple until you do them and realize they can recalibrate how you think and feel. We cannot stress enough how Mel has “describing complicated things very simply” down to a near science. Through her own struggles in life, being a million dollars in debt, feeling at her lowest in the middle of the pandemic, she gives the easy steps a lot of us definitely need to just keep moving. Whether you’re struggling to get to the gym or just struggling to get up and out of bed in the morning, Mel’s got you covered. She’s honest, she’s descriptive, and she’s open in ways that I think you wouldn’t expect. Don’t miss it! Mel is hosting a 5-day online challenge on GrowthDay called “The High 5 Challenge” that is truly unique and empowering. You’ll get inspiring videos from Mel, as well as life-changing tools for journaling, goal-setting, and community sharing like you’ve never seen before. She’s offering it to my community for free here: https://www.growthday.com/melrobbins?via=habitsandhustle Youtube Link to This Episode Mel’s Website Mel’s Instagram ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Did you learn something from tuning in today? Please pay it forward and write us a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts. 📧If you have feedback for the show, please email [e-mail]  📙Get yourself a copy of Jennifer Cohen’s newest book from Habit Nest, Badass Body Goals Journal. ℹ️Habits & Hustle Website 📚Habit Nest Website 📱Follow Jennifer – Instagram – Facebook – Twitter – Jennifer’s Website Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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I got this Tony Robbins, you're listening to Habits in Hustle. Fresh it. Today on the podcast, we have Mel Robbins and I've been gushing over her for probably like 20 minutes before we started because you know I have a lot of people on the show that obviously I'm a big fan of but Mel to me is next level because of what she does. She is truly a world class transformational and inspirational expert. She's also, and for good reason,

one of the most booked speakers in the world, right? Not even just women speakers, like in the world. Yeah, I almost never do women's events, actually. You do like Chase Bank and JP Morgan. Starbucks and Microsoft and yeah. Right, like you kind of, there's, you transcend, it doesn't matter if you're female,. Whatever. I mean it doesn't matter So I am very very happy to have you on this podcast because you always give such great

Advice and for me not nuggets that of information that people can really implement and you know take in their lives and Elevate themselves so with that being said, thank you for being here. Wow, well thank you. And let me just say one thing about my comment that I don't really speak at women's events. Yeah, the reason why I said that specifically is because women speakers tend to get relegated as women's speakers.

Mm, yeah. And so it's really important if being in the media business or being in the speaking business or being kind of out there with your message is important to you. If you want to reach a broader audience, resist the tractor being pull to be typecast as somebody who speaks to women just because you're a woman. I love that. Absolutely. And you know it's funny? We had Chelsea Handler on a little bit ago, and we were talked about that as well, how some people, but you know,

that some people, and her career also, like it's not a women comic, it's not this, you're the same type of situation, but there are people who do that. They go down a path, or their content is very much women friendly. Wait, if that's what they want, fantastic. Just be super intentional because eventually the world will align with what's ever in your heart and your mind. Right. But you're

all, but also what you speak about applies to everyone. Everyone. It's not just women, it's not just meh. I agree with you because then you really kind of, you kind of pigeonhole yourself and we don't, in a business you don't want to be doing that. Unless you want to be doing it, you're very niche. So again, just be very clear about what you want. Yeah, absolutely. I think that's really, again, we'd even start really to give some great advice right there.

Why do you talk about a business standpoint? I can't tell you how many times I've either sat down and thought, should I really just focus my business on women? Or how many times I've been in meetings with potential partners that they've said, are you a women's brand? And I have thought about this very intentionally because we have a very, very large male following.

And it's probably because I got my start with a TEDx talk and then by being hired by corporations where the audiences are a mix of men and women. And I have come to really realize that the things that I talk about are universal. I'm talking about habits, I'm talking about mindset, I'm talking about fulfillment, I'm talking about your emotional needs as a human being, I'm talking about relationships and everybody needs to be working on and thinking about what they want in those areas of their life. And so everything I talk about, whether I'm explaining how to quiet your anxiety.

Men have anxiety too. And so I have made a very conscious decision to resist being a brand that is only for women. Right. And you know what, you just, but again, because like you said, these things are universal. Everybody has stress, everybody has anxiety. It's not just for women or for men. But you just, you just said, let's go with that. Let's start with that.

How do we quiet that anxiety? Because we all have it, especially in being in a pandemic or getting out of a pandemic or half and half, people are really are having a hard time with all of that right now. And including you, me, everybody, what do you tell people or like, and this is what I was going to say also, what you give people is actionable. It's not just here, like, La Di Dada, there's things that, like I'm sure you're gonna say right now, what people can actually do to implement,

to help with their anxiety, suppress it a little bit, or just deal with it better. Yeah, you know, it's interesting to say that, because when I look at all the amazing people that are out there, putting content out, writing books, doing shows, I tend to think about the fact that there are people that talk about why, there are people that talk out there, putting content out, writing books, doing shows, I tend to think about the fact that there are people that talk about why. There are people that talk about what, and then there are people that talk about how, and

I'm a how. And when it comes to anxiety, which is a really big topic, it's really important before you get to the how to actually understand what anxiety is and what anxiety isn't. And so if we can go down this road, I will be happy to unpack this topic because it's super, super important. So, first thing is anxiety is nothing more than your body and your mind anticipating that something bad is about to happen. So there is a bracing in your body and there is a racing in your mind associated with what might happen. Okay. I'm going to give you an example that explains an anxiety response and that's normal that everybody can relate to.

And then we're going to talk about what has become, in my opinion, an epidemic of generalized anxiety, which is the experience of going through your day to day life, feeling on edge, like something's about to happen, so your nervous system is dysregulated, and your thoughts are always spinning several steps ahead of you. What if this? What if that? What if the other thing? So, just normal anxiety, I'll give you an example of an anxiety response to something.

So, let's say you and I hop in your car, and we drive to the grocery store, and as we are chatting away and talking, all of a sudden somebody swarves into our lane. What do you do? I panic and I get anxiety, but I freak out or I try to move. Correct. Exactly. That is a normal anxiety response to a very stressful thing.

The car is about to hit us. It hasn't hit us yet. So something bad is about to happen. And immediately your nervous system has a big wave of, oh my gosh, go through it. Anxiety response, okay. The anxiety response, it has a purpose. It is trying to wake you up to pay attention because something is about to happen. So that wave, you feel, oh my gosh, the car. That is got a purpose to protect you, okay? Your thoughts then start scrambling to try to protect you.

It's going that way, I gotta pull this way. Like, so you start thinking about the, what if that, what if, and you respond, right? Now, here's an interesting thing. When the car veers off and we realize we're okay and life goes back to normal, what happens in your body? My, I calm down and I'm more normalized.

Yeah, I'm more equalized. Yeah, exactly. The threat goes away and so your body comes down. You switch from what's called the sympathetic, which is the fight of flight to the parasympathetic nervous system, right? And your thoughts don't spin anymore because you're not anticipating that threat.

Right. That is normal anxiety. It's an alarm system that makes you pay attention. The problem is we have been so bombarded by negative news, by uncertainty, by the pandemic, by the changes to our day-to-day life, by the racial injustice that we see on the television

playing out, by political polarization, by the isolation. It's too fucking much. And so what's happened is we have all gotten ourselves in a situation due to the way that life is right now, where you feel like you're about to be hit by a car all the time. There is a nervous system on edge. That's what we call a dysregulated nervous system. And your thoughts are constantly scrambling. Like, let's take this moment right now.

I personally thought we'd be through the pandemic by now. Yeah, I think most people did. And we are now in sort of the, we're 18 months in. I thought the kids would be going back to school. I thought we'd be over the masks. I thought we'd be back to doing big events. I thought that not that that we have to go back to normal because there's a lot about the old normal that I don't want to go back to. But I kind of feel like, you know, this experience of, I was in a great relationship, we broke up, I got my heart broken, I worked hard to get through it

and get over it, I finally felt like I was okay again, and now he's back and my life is screwed up again, because now I've had over heels, and then he dumps me again, and now I'm back, trying to get over it again, you know, like I thought, there's an exhaustion to it. And so I'm explaining this in detail because it's not as simple as change your thoughts. It begins with policing your thoughts because your mind and your nervous system are hardwired

together. And so there are two different ways you got to attack anxiety. You got to attack both the way it makes your nervous system go like this, because we know based on research, if your nervous system is on edge, your prefrontal cortex doesn't function. Right. I mean, if somebody were to walk in here and with a gonin' try to rob us, would you be able to do a math problem?

I don't think so. Yeah, of course not. Because your nervous system is like, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. So this part of the brain shuts off. So let's talk first, what can you do to settle your body? Okay? We write about this extensively in this new book.

This, this, this. Oh right, your new book is called the High Five, again, that's why the High Five habit, which is, it's a really good book. You do talk about this a lot. You talk about how we can conquer our negative thoughts or stress. I'm gonna ask you about the 20 gallons of hot water

pretty soon, but finish this. So basically, you can use something called the Vegas Nerve. And a tool that I like to talk about is called high-fiving your heart. So you put your hands right here, right like in the center of your chest over your heart. And you say these three words. You say, I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm loved.

I'm okay. I'm safe, I'm loved. I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. And when you put your hands here, you are toning and activating what's called the Vegas nerve. The Vegas nerve runs all the way from your seat to the top of your head through every major organ, through your vocal cords, and it is the key. It's the switch between your fight or flight state of anxiety and your calm state. And so first things first, you want to develop a practice first in the morning, not only of high-fiving yourself in the mirror, which we're going to get to, which is all about self-confidence

and self-esteem and self-love and self-worth. But you're also going to wake up every morning, put your hands right here and go, I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. You're going to say it as many times you have to. 113, 11 times, two times, until you actually feel your body settle down. And you will. You will feel yourself ground back into your body. You will feel something shift. And if you can hear yourself saying those words, I'm okay, I'm self-loved. It's true in that moment. And by putting your hands right here, this is what activates the vagus nerve. Okay, I'm selling it from love. It's true in that moment.

And by putting your hands right here, this is what activates the vagus nerve. Other things that help you tone the vagus nerve, a nice back, a hot shower, a hot bath, singing, gurgling, humming, chanting, because it stimulates your vocal cords. And so this is a little tool you can use. I love doing it first thing in the morning, but you use it any time you feel anxious to settle yourself back

in your body. Then the second tool you're going to use, and this is critical, is you're going to start to interrupt the thoughts that make you feel worried or anxious. And this is really important because if life in general is not putting you on edge, you will absolutely have a thought today that does. They left me on red, they didn't text back. Oh shit, I'm like for that meeting. I haven't finished that thing. Do they like me?

What did I do wrong? I feel like I've been something wrong. Like constantly. And so what you wanna do is you can use this other thing that I created called the five-second rule. When you catch yourself drifting into a thought pattern, that just doesn't feel good. You have a choice about whether or not you continue to think that. Count backwards, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

That's the 5-second rule. You interrupt this negative thought in 5 seconds, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The counting backwards gets your prefrontal cortex engaged. And then you go, I'm not thinking about that. I'm not thinking about that. That's the fastest way to interrupt the thought. Because most of the stuff you worry about, you've spent a long time in these thought patterns.

And so inserting something new isn't going to work right away. First, you have to interrupt the thought, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. I'm not thinking about that. And then when you get really good at interrupting it, because you might have to do this 143 times in one day. Wow. They say that you have 50,000 thoughts a day. Does this work on everybody at the time?

Absolutely everybody. Pediatricians around the world are using it with their patients, little kids in order to teach them and give them a tool to interrupt these thoughts. In fact, I had an entire wing of a psychiatric inpatient unit in Pennsylvania. All the nurses came when I hosted a daytime talk show. And they said that of all the tools that they hand somebody after an inpatient commit to help them deal.

The most effective tool they have is the five-second rule. Why? Because you can remember it. It's easy to use. And the second you start counting, you interrupt whether it's negative ideation, suicidal ideation, self-hatred ideation, 54321. I'm not thinking about that. 543, I'm not thinking about that. And so if you do that and just keep interrupting it, what will start to happen is you'll start to gain self-awareness about that negative dialogue, which creates a little bit of distance. Then you can start to practice new thinking patterns, which I go into in detail in the book, The Five Second Rule. We have tons of YouTube videos about this. Really passionate about this, because I struggled with anxiety was on Zola for more

than two decades. And are you still, are you off of it now? I'm off Zola. It saved my life for sure. I think those kind of drugs are amazing when you find the right one for you. They can turn down the volume on your head. But here's what they don't solve. They don't solve the self-loathing that you feel.

That's what the high Five habit is about. If the five-second rule, five, four, three, two, one, helps you interrupt those thoughts. So you can teach yourself to stop thinking them. The High Five habit goes deeper, and it teaches you how to stop hating, criticizing, endowed in yourself, and how to learn as a default to start loving, supporting, and empowering yourself.

So, boom! That's amazing. Now, did you figure this out on your own by, again, just trial and error, or did you read about this, and did you work with a neuroscienceist? Like, how did you come up with this in private? That would require some planning. No, my brand of helping people is, unfortunately, because it's a painful way to learn, it would

have been easier to get a PhD, is screw up your own life, and then do what you have to do to fix it. And as you stumble upon things that are working for you, and start sharing them. And what I have found, there's this Einstein quote that I love that if you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it. And I think that life is really complicated. And everything that I share is so simple. It actually sounds corny and dumb. Like my biggest challenge in teaching people the five-second rule or now the high five habit Yeah, is most people are going to hear about it and say that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard Yet when I start to unpack

the decades of psychological Business success habit like all kinds of research that proves What is encapsulated in these teeny little simple sticky tools. Yeah, it's jaw dropping. It is. And you have a lot of research behind backing it in the book. So then why does the high fat, the high five habit even work?

Were you first of all doing it when you were in a bad place and you were high fiveing yourself? Yeah, so this is what happened. So I invented the five-second rule for example. Right. When my husband's restaurant business was going under, I was unemployed. We were nearly a million dollars in debt. We were about to lose everything.

Three kids under the age of 10, leans on the house, no money in the bank, just deeply, deeply terrifying moment. I couldn't get out of bed without hitting the snooze button four or five times just deeply, deeply terrifying moment. I couldn't get out of bed without hitting the snooze button four or five times and the kids missing the bus. I literally became a person I did not recognize,

drinking myself into the ground, screaming at my husband all the time, constantly on edge, panic stricken, the whole thing. And I invented the five second rule out of dumb luck as a trick to help me get out of bed, the idea being if I launched myself out of bed, maybe I wouldn't be in bed when the anxiety hit. That I could move fast enough to beat the depression, the overwhelm, the fear, and the anxiety. And it worked. And that's spread around the world. It's changing millions of people's lives.

It's super cool. And the high five habit was born out of very similar experience. So, the book is not a pandemic book, but I developed the high five habit or stumbled upon it rather on a really low morning. That's it. Like, you know, the kids are home, college is imploded, we're in full blown pandemic mode. My daytime chalk shows canceled, so I've been fired from my dream job. I've had a book contract canceled because I haven't turned in the book on time. I start having speeches canceled, so now I'm getting triggered feeling the financial free fall that we had experienced a decade ago. And I was just overwhelmed. My kids are in breakdown.

I'm in breakdown. The world is in breakdown. And I get up one morning and I walk into my bathroom and I'm standing there in front of the sink in my underwear. And I'm brushing my teeth and just sort of on autopilot, not really thinking about anything, and I catch my reflection in the mirror. And I know every woman in particular will relate to this moment, and I know every dude does too. But I see myself and I think, God, you look like hell. Yes, I think everyone can relate to that.

And then I start picking myself apart because a negative thought is a lot like Lynn. Once it gathers, it gathers more and more and more. And so I literally start going your boobs one, size bigger than the other, your gray hairs coming in, your lines on your neck, your bags, and like just... And then of course I'm like, oh my gosh, I got a plate, and I've got a Zoom call in eight minutes,

and I haven't even walked the dog yet. And I just felt beaten down, and I was doing it to myself. I mean, my thoughts were just like killing me. And I had nothing to say. And I don't know what the hell came over me. I mean, it is the cheesiest thing in the world. But there I am in my underwear without a brawn or even a cup of coffee and I find myself

like raising my hand and high five myself in the mirror. And that very first high five, it's not like a change, but what happened is something flipped in me. I went from this nasty, negative, just damaging self-talk to silence and to feeling like, okay, I know, Tarr, I got this. Come on, get back out there. And my shoulders went back and I went off on my day. And here's where I knew something was up,

because the next morning I woke up and I got out of bed and I always make my bed right after I get up and I immediately thought about seeing myself in the mirror. Now I have probably for the last 45 years either criticized myself or ignored myself in the mirror. I have never looked forward to seeing myself in the mirror. I have never looked forward to seeing myself in the mirror. It's sort of like that feeling, like if you're going to go meet a friend for a cup of coffee and you're walking up to the cafe and you've got this feeling of excitement that you're about to see somebody that you like, that's how I felt.

And so I, you know, like I walk into the bathroom and there's my reflection. And so I had this moment with myself on the second morning, where I'm standing there with myself. I'm not criticizing myself, I'm just being with myself. And then I start thinking about the day ahead and how I want to show up and I raise my hand again. Now here's the crazy thing when you try it, because I'm on a mission to make everybody on the planet try this thing. You have a challenge actually going on. Yes, it's called the high five challenge. We're getting 5 million people to wake up five mornings in a row and start their day with a high five in the mirror,

setting an intention, journaling on it, using this simple practice to change the neural pathways in your mind and reset the default programming you have about yourself. It's powerful stuff. So here's what's crazy about it. So, first of all, when you stand there and you do it, so here's how you do it. You walk into the bathroom, pair it with brushing your teeth because hopefully everybody's doing that in the morning. Let's hope. Yeah. And we're going to have it stacked. Yeah. So, you're going to either

do it before the brushing of the teeth or after the brushing of the teeth. And you're just take a moment and you're going to be with yourself. That's it, you're just gonna look at yourself in the eyes in the mirror. I want you to think about the day ahead, I want you to think about what game you're playing in life. And that's it. Who are you gonna be today? How do you wanna show up?

And then you're gonna raise your hand and you're gonna high five yourself. Now here's the first thing you're gonna notice. First of all, you're gonna notice whether or not you quickly do it and are like, why haven't I been doing this before? Or you're gonna notice that you're super resistant to it. And this is what most people feel. That's what I mean, I tried it because, you know, I've been reading your book and I felt weird and strange.

Yeah, well, here's why you've never been taught to celebrate yourself. If you're a woman, you've been told that you're a bitch or your selfish or you are conceited if you do it. To be a good girl, a good friend, a good wife, a good this, a good partner, you're supposed to support everybody else. Yeah. You have been actually talked to withhold it from yourself, to give it to yourself last. And so, yeah, it is uncomfortable for most of us. There's an even sadder reason why. And the sadder reason why is you have a story about your past that you're not worthy of it.

You have evidence in your mind that you are a piece of shit or that you are worthless or that you're a bad person or that you're unlovable. You look at all the things that you think that you've done wrong and you think it makes you unworthy of that kind of support and celebration. That's why you look outside yourself for it. For validation and relationships, from likes, from the amount of money you have, the kind of car that you drive, you have to start to figure out how to build the self-worth and the self-love and the self-validation within yourself. The other reason why it is very difficult for people to do this is because you have been trained to believe that if you're not achieving or doing something worthy of celebration, you

don't deserve it. And I'm here to say bullshit. If you wake up in the morning and you can stand in front of that mirror and you're still breathing, you deserve and need encouragement and support. You have survived so much stuff and here you are still standing up trying a little harder. Are you kidding me? What's interesting is also like in you talked about this a bit in your book, the amount of evidence for it, right? So the fact talk about what neurobics, I didn't make that up. I was thinking about it. I was really aware. Robics, aerobics, and about how it's true.

When you do that with children, that's a cool thing about how children respond to high-fiving. Well, first of all, think about what's going viral right now. We're taping this at the beginning of the school year at least here in the United States. You see all these teachers holding up mirrors.

I'm this affirmation. That's true. You see all these teachers high-fiving individual handshakes? Yeah. Why do we love that? It's so true. Because it makes people feel good and positive. And it makes you realize each one of those kids feel seen. That's what they had the mirror, so they can see themselves.

I saw that. I saw that. That was such a great piece. Yeah. Yeah. And so here's the other thing I want to say. It is actually, it'll feel weird, but you won't think this is weird. And here's why.

So you spent your entire life high-fiving other people. When you give or receive a high-five, what is that physical gesture communicate to somebody? They achieve that they did well, that they are good, they're great, whatever it is. All the positive. I believe in you. Let's go. whatever it is. Like all the positive. I believe in you, let's go. Yeah, we got this, I got your back, I celebrate you. I support, it's the porn, it's the porn. Yes, and love, and like all of it.

Yeah. So you've been doing that for everybody else your whole life, and you've done it with this motion. So it's already programmed in your subconscious mind with this motion. So when you go and stand in front of the mirror and your default is to criticize yourself, the second you raise your hand for a high five,

the subconscious part of your brain takes over, and it marries that programming. I believe in you, I love you, I celebrate you, you got this with your own reflection. It changes how you see yourself. Vitamin water just dropped a new zero sugar flavor called with love. your own reflection, it changes how you see yourself. Today, Vitamin Water Zero Sugar, nourish every U. Vitamin Water is a registered trademark of Glass O. This summer, go to the movies, projected on the side of a mountain. Discover a new favorite restaurant, your campsite. Find yourself when you lose your signal. Discover a new playlist. Mother Nature.

Make your summer special at the Kia Summer Sales event with a dependable Kia SUV or powerful sedan. Kia, movement that inspires. Call 800-333 for Kia for details. Always drive safely of an N7523. And I love how that, again, about the kids think that I have kids. Yeah, you have kids. First day of school was yesterday. Oh, for the kids think that I have kids. You have kids.

First day of school was yesterday. Right. Oh, for my was a couple of weeks ago. But the fact is, I like to use that now. Now I do those with my kids all the time. But now I'm going to be much more conscientious of doing it even more. Versus just good job.

So let me explain the study. So they did this study where, because of course, what happened is I started doing this in my own life. I'm feeling crazy benefits. I post one photo on my story within an hour or two, a hundred or so people have tagged me and they're doing. And I'm like, okay, there's something going on here. That's when I dig into the research. That's when I go, whether this is a thing or not a thing, I want to understand why this is working for me because you can't raise your hand and think, I suck. Because your brain won't allow it because of the programming associated with the physical

movement. That's the neurobics part of it. Correct. And then the second piece is with this study, they took kids and they wanted to know what's the best way to motivate kids through a very challenging problem. I like that they have to work through. And so the first group of kids get the classic

fixed mindset verbal praise. Hey, you're really smart, you're really talented, you're really good looking like a fixed trait. That's not very motivating. We know that for decades of research, the second group get verbal praise in the form of a growth mindset, which we know is more motivating than trades.

You're praising the effort. You talk about it all the time on the show. Praising, oh, great job, keep going, love your perseverance, really hard work. You're praising something the kids can control, which is how much effort they put in. More motivating than just saying you're smart. The third group gets a simple high five

from the researcher. No words at all. group gets a simple high five from the researcher. No words at all. Just walk up, high five, walk away. That group outperforms the other ones. Just, I don't even know if it was tenfold, twentyfold, it doesn't even matter. It was so profound that the researchers when they published the study in an academic journal

called it the motivating power of a high five. Why? The reason why a simple high five is way more powerful than any kind of verbal praise or mantra that you could have is because a high five fulfills your most foundational emotional needs. When you receive a high five, you feel seen. And I'm going to tell you something about it. Like, if you ever get a crappy high five or you like kind of miss the hand, what do you do? You guys do it again, you guys do it again. Because it creates, you have to be intentional about it.

There's an intention behind it. So you do feel seen when you get one. You also feel heard. If you get a high five from somebody when you're going through a challenging time and they high five you to try to lift your spirit up, you feel like somebody gets it, you're down. You know, the kids knew, these researchers knew that this was hard. You feel understood. Yes. And then you feel celebrated for the unique you that you are. And I'm here to tell you, you can build that relationship with yourself.

here to tell you, you can build that relationship with yourself. Those researchers were sharing in the struggle with those kids and were cheering them on. And I'm telling you, practicing the high-five habit and the tools in this book, you can absolutely build that partnership with yourself. So the high-five is for personal self-assuredness or confidence. The hand to the heart is more for anxiety. It's for basically calming down your nervous system. Right, exactly. And then, so how about with the negative thoughts and all that, what is it like,

can you use the high five for the negative? Yeah, so the five, four, three, two, one. So that's a way to flip yourself from a negative mindset to a high five attitude. Okay. So it's the 5-4-3-2-1 for that. And I'm not thinking about that. And I'm not thinking about that. And that you said works too, because it's changing all that.

Absolutely. Then, how about the mantras? I wanted to ask you about this, because people always talk about, have a mantra, you know, whatever, yet you say, for me, it never seems to do a damn thing. And I think a lot of people would agree. But you talk about how basically creating was it like a meaningful mantra, it actually works. So how do you do that? Was the difference? Oh, there's a big difference. So, kind of, if you hate your body, I have a daughter that really struggles with how she looks right now.

How old is she? 22. 22. She's the one with the text in the book. Oh, I guess. She sent me the text seriously while I was writing the book that said, why do I always, why am I always the ugliest one at the bar? I saw that text. It was very, very hard to, it broke my heart when I saw that.

Yeah. I was a mom, especially, tough to see. And the whole point, and I have her permission to talk about it. I had her permission to write about it. You know, the text shows that when you get something like that from somebody that you love, it's interesting because that text reveals how she sees the world, not how we see her in the

world. Right. And it's really important to understand that your experience in life is 1,000 percent determined by what filter you're viewing the world through. And yes, you may have all kinds of evidence that you're overweight right now or you've let your health go or that you've done some things that you regret. But how does beating yourself up over it help you change those things? It doesn't. In fact, based on the research, we know that being hard on yourself makes it even less likely

you're going to change. It's very demotivating that the most empowering force on the planet is feeling supported and encouraged. And most people who are in a place where they have something that they don't like about their life or their bank account or their pant size or themselves. They spend all day harping on themselves about it instead of flipping it into encouraging and focusing on what they want. So in terms of meaningful mantras, there is no way in hell.

My daughter in where she is in her life is going to stand in front of a mirror and go, I love my body. Should she? Of course she should. Is she the ugliest person in the bar? Are you kidding me? I've tried everything. I follow the experts in this area. I don't ever talk about her body. I talk about her personality, her loyalty, what an incredible friend and daughter and human, her sense of humor, her work, like all of it. She is so focused on how miserable she feels about it, that her brain in real time filters the world in a way to go, oh, see that person's scanner

to make boom, more evidence. Completely ignoring that all the other people that she'd actually not be bigger than, your brain will literally reorganize itself in real time in order to confirm what you believe and what you keep telling yourself. And so the back to the mantras, if you don't believe it, your mind rejects it, seriously. And so you have to start with something that I call meaningful, I probably should have called it pathetic mantras in order to make And so you have to start with something that I call meaningful.

I probably should have called it pathetic mantras in order to make it stick. Because it's not something like, let's say that you think you're a bad person. Okay. You got cheating in your past or maybe you were abused. You've got childhood trauma. You got all kinds of evidence from your past that makes you stand in front of the mirror and see somebody that does not deserve a half five because you're a damaged person that screws everything up.

What happens when you start to tell yourself that? Maybe somebody told you that when you're growing up? You've thought it so often. You now think it all the time. Just because you've thought it for a long time doesn't mean it has to stay as the default in your mind. That's the other thing that people don't realize is that at any moment in time, you can get intentional about resetting the default shit that you think in your mind.

Just because you're used to it doesn't mean you have to keep thinking it. So if you get in front of that mirror, oh, let me just keep going with this story. So if you have this opinion that you're damaged goods and everything that you do screws up and you're a bad person, let's take a really innocuous example. this opinion that you're damaged goods and everything that you do screws up and you're a bad person. Let's take a really innocuous example. Let's say that you are not good enough.

I think it's more of a being not good enough. Oh, I think people's stories. I think that's the thing people say in public. I think that's a nice way to say, I think I'm a piece of shit. I think I'm worthless. I think I'm not good enough. Sounds okay in polite conversation. of a piece of shit. I think I'm worthless. I think I'm not good enough, sounds okay, in polite conversation.

You don't think that social media, though, has played such a, like such a screw up in people's minds because they're comparing constantly to other people. Yeah, but you know, look, social media is a tool. Exactly. Too many people have allowed themselves to become the tool. And if you have an issue or a problem with comparison, stop being an asshole about social media to yourself. Go through your feed and get rid of every single account that triggers

you and fill your account with things that actually make you feel good about yourself that are about where you're going instead of where you're not and where you're lacking. By doing that and curating your own feed to make you feel like shit, you are tripling down on the programming in your brain and making your brain believe, oh, it's important that I feel bad. It's important I see people skinnier than me. It's important that I see people that have more money than me.

It's important that I see all these fake relationships online. It's important that I sit here in bed and before I even set my intention or do my morning routine, I spend 30 minutes self-loathing as I look at people's vacations and I make myself wrong about where I'm not. What the fuck are you doing? Seriously, get rid of those accounts on your feed. If you're unhappy, do something about it. And the fastest way to use social media for good is to lead all the crap that makes you feel like horrible about yourself, and start putting in things

that reinforce the message that you are in control of your life. You can change your life. You can achieve your goals. You can be a happier person. You can heal your trauma. Absolutely. That is 1,000% in your goals. You can be a happier person. You can heal your trauma. Absolutely. That is a thousand percent in your control. You shouldn't be a robot about it. But nobody does. We all just kind of

mindlessly consume it because that's how it's designed. But it can be an incredibly powerful tool for good if you're intentional about how you're using it. The curation is actually a very good idea. But people don't take that extra step to do that. You have to. I'm follow Friday. if you're intentional about how you use it. Right. The curation is actually a very good idea, but people don't take that extra step to do that. You have to. Like, unfollow Friday. Unfollow Friday. Every Friday, go through your feed and unfollow people. That's a great idea.

Yeah, and if you're like, oh, my uncle Joe is gonna get an amazing, awesome. Muadam! Who gives a shit about your uncle Joe thinks? Honest to God. Like, your social media is for you. Stop thinking about what you're broadcasting on social media and start thinking about what you're allowing into your mind. That's a great one. Look at the last five people you texted.

Are those people helping you get where you want to go? Are you asking me or just, or okay? I'm just saying, there's a text you can do. Look at the last five people you texted. Look at the last five people you texted. Look at the last five accounts you liked. Well, Kim Kardashian, thanks a lot. I choose an amazing business woman. Amazing business woman.

Is she actually helping you get where you wanna go? Absolutely, I don't follow her, but I would imagine not. Well, I don't know, for some people maybe, for some people not. I get serious about your life. Like at some point you're gonna die. At some point this're going to die. At some point, this whole thing's over, and you're mindlessly walking through this,

and setting up your whole life to make you feel like shit. And you don't have to. That's the reason, by the way, why you can't stand in front of a mirror and high-five yourself. Because your whole life has been organized around making you feel bad about yourself. And I'm here to tell you, you can turn this around. You can change your social media fees.

That's number one. Number two, you can force yourself to try the stupid thing. Try it for five days. Do the high five challenge. Just go to highfivechallenge.com. You can sign up for free. It's super either. High five yourself in the mirror for five days a row

and see what happens. We have a woman who had body dysmorphia for 20 years right to us and say she hasn't looked at herself in 20 years. Five days of doing this, she can now look at herself and grin because she doesn't see her body anymore. She sees the human being inside. Wow. Yeah, we have a woman that wrote to us in a domestic violence shelter saying that she had just

escaped this abusive relationship. She's lost everything. She has so much trauma, but this high five thing is made to realize she still has herself. Wow. She can have her own back. And it begins every single morning rebuilding that partnership with yourself.

You know, there's only one person that you spend your whole life with. That's right. And it's high time, you start working on improving the relationship that you have with yourself, because it is the foundation of every relationship that you have.

If you feel like shit about yourself, you will allow people into your life who treat you like shit. If you start to empower, encourage, and support yourself, you will build up yourself a steam and worthiness so that you are strong enough to attract and be around the people that you deserve and that deserve you.

And I'm not saying that anybody deserves abuse. That's not what I'm saying at all. So do not take that out of context. I'm not saying to you, but what I'm saying is you're not responsible for any of the bad shit that's happened to you. You survived it. You are responsible for what happens next. And that's where building a relationship with yourself matters. People don't have boundaries because they can't even look themselves in the eye. So how the fuck are you going to look somebody else in the eye?

That's a really good advice. And that's again, very tangible stuff. I mean, I think I digressed a bit from creating a mantra, but you said something about it. Oh, the mantra, okay, so here's the thing. Oh, we got totally off of it. So if you stand every morning and can't stare at yourself because you think you're worthless or whatever,

and let's see, over sleep and you missed a data supplement. Who hasn't done that, right? I certainly have. If you're somebody that has good self-esteem, you go, oh shoot, I missed the dentist appointment. I'm gonna have to pay the $25 fee. I guess I'll just get a schedule it, right? If you're somebody who has really low self-esteem, you go, see, you can't do anything right. You can't make it to the dentist. Everything in your life becomes evidence that your piece of shit. Everything in your life becomes evidence that you are doing things wrong.

You see the difference between me having done all this work on myself. Therapy, EMDR, psychedelic, guided therapy sessions, all of the high five habits, learning how to regulate my nervous system, dealing with childhood trauma, the difference between where I am now and where I used to be. Is ice scrups shit all the time? I don't hook your piece of shit to it anymore. I'm able to allow myself to screw up and go,

good people do have bad days. I'm doing my best. Right. Yeah, I'll just pay the 25 bucks and reschedule. Right, and you don't like hold on to it. Correct, hold on to it. Most of us like, you know, pour it all over ourselves. We just like bathe in it.

And so meaningful mantras, I should have called them pathetic mantras. You're right. Are literally 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, interrupt that thought. I'm a bad person. I square everything out. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 5, 3, 2, 1. I'm not thinking about that. I'm not thinking about it.

And then you can insert something like, hey, I'm doing the best I can and I'm getting better every day. Hey, doing the best I can. I'm getting it. That's not exactly like, hey, I'm doing the best I can and I'm getting better every day. Hey, doing the best I can. I'm getting that's not exactly like, woo, we're going to run the Iron Man, trying to talk. But meaningful talk is something you can believe. Yeah, that's true actually. I like that again. This is I can see your wheels turning. You're like, oh, I had because you're give because it's so it's so refreshing and I really enjoy when people actually give you the house.

Not just this is why it's happening and go on and on and on. But these are like all, and this is in this book and in your other book, tangible. I guess that's the best way to put it. Yeah, you want to get your mental health in order and you want to have better self-worth and self-love. Here's what you do. Stop sleeping with your phone. So it's not next to you when you wake up. That way when you wake up, you'll get out of bed

and you won't look at social media. Where'd you put the phone? Do you see the downstairs? I've turned it my bathroom. You do, okay, so. And what time are you off the phone at night? Depends on the day. I mean, I don't do what's called the gray zone.

So the reason why people are so screwed up right now is because you're living in what psychologists call the gray zone, which is you're never not working, which is your phone. That's true. And never not, like it's always on you. And so you never have a break, ever. That's true.

And there's no separation between work and life. And your life, like, there's not going to be balance, but there can be harmony and there can be boundaries. And so one of the things that I have that's really helped me because I love what I do for a living. I don't know, it doesn't even feel like work. Right. I could be on my phone 24 hours a day. I'd never seen my husband or my children, but I could be on my phone 24 hours a day. I have a basket in the kitchen, so I use a lot of environmental triggers to help me cheat good behavior. So an example of an environmental trigger is a basket in the kitchen that has plugs at

it. So when I get home, I put my phone in the kitchen. A lot of times you can't reach me because it's sitting in the basket, it's not on me. Right, you can't see it. Correct. Because it's in the kitchen. A lot of times you can't reach me because it's sitting in the basket, it's not on me. Right, you can't see it. Correct. Correct. So keeping it away from you is really important because here's the thing, you're never going to be successful if you're on your phone 24-7. Never. You're going to always be busy and mistake it for success. If you want to be wildly successful, you better get strategic and smart. And it is not smart to let this thing use you. You need to be the one using it. And so I put it in the basket in the kitchen when

I'm home, because we don't have phones when we're having a family dinner. And it would I just I just celebrated my 25th wedding anniversary. And thank you. I think the phone has been one of our biggest fights. Oh, yeah. Just being distracted and not present with each other. So that's helped a lot. When I go to bed, it's in the bathroom. And for everybody that's worried because you're a single parent or you've got a job that you work a shift that you need to be available, no problem.

Tell people, call me if you need me and leave the ringer on. But tell them if you text me, I'm not going to respond. It's amazing. People will text you in the middle of the night, but they won't call you unless it's an emergency. So that way, you ensure that you get a good night's sleep because you're not sitting there going to bed watching it and we're scrolling through it.

Then when you wake up in the alarm rings, you have to get out of bed because it's in the bathroom. When you walk toward the bathroom, you have enough presence now to know that you're going to turn it off and flip it over. And now you've got a fighting chance to have the first 30 minutes of the day before you. You're gonna brush your teeth,

you're gonna stand in front of the mirror, and you're gonna have a moment with yourself where you're going to think about, who you're gonna be today? You're think about who you're going to be today. You're going to think about what's important to you today. And then you're going to raise your hand and you're going to high five yourself. And the other thing that happens and why this is so powerful, in addition to the subconscious programming, I just spent a ton of time with Dr. Daniel Aiman, one of the world's leading

experts. He was on. Yeah. And he said, he was so excited about the high five habit not only because of all the stuff with Narrowbicks, which is marrying you know neuroscience and neuro pathways with aerobic activity. It's the fastest way to build new neuropathways by the way He was also super excited about it because When you know you cross a finish line

You raise your hands in there when the band that you love comes out you raise your hands in there. When the band that you love comes out, you raise your hands in there. When you go to high five or double high five, somebody you raise your hands in there. When you pat somebody on the back, you lift your arms in there. The lifting, whether it's a high five

or a fist bump or whatever, is coated into your nervous system as a positive rush. Remember how we talked about that anxiety rush? Yes. This is a positive energy force. Right. And so one of the reasons why it feels good if you can push through the fact that it feels weird and you try it for more than five days is because your nervous system starts

to jump in. The other thing that happens is you get a drip of dopamine. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And that is why you suddenly feel a little lighter. You feel a little boost in your mood. You feel your shoulders drop. You feel like, okay, my life sucks right now, but I got this.

Right. And then the whole thing is if you keep your phone in your bathroom and then you don't, you're not allowed to check the phone until you finish, is it 30 minutes or just you have to do high-perfect? Well, do what works for you, like for me? Don't you get stuck in the bathroom just checking your emails? Absolutely not. You know why why? My mental health and my goals my finances my family my dreams way more important than what's on that fucking phone right? So you don't do you don't check any emails for how long for 30 minutes?

I try what have you wake up in the morning depends on the day. Okay. My husband's up at like five I'm like I'm doing 75 hard right now, so I'm getting up a little bit earlier. You're doing what? That challenge 75 hard. What is that challenge 75 hard? It's some, I guess I'm like out in the, I guess I have no idea.

Amy's doing it too. I, we got roped into it. My husband and my daughter are doing it. I think I did it actually. It's 75 days, It's very male. Like I've decided I'm going to come up with something called like 21 days easier. Oh, I think that's one that Jesse, it's those do it. No, that's not. I have no idea. Okay. No, it's like two 45 minute workouts a day.

One has to be outside. I did hear about this. Actually, gallon of water. You have to stick to a particular diet of your choosing no alcohol. 10 pages of nonfiction. What else do we have to do? So you've been doing 240 workout, read, read, water. Oh, progress photo, progress photo. And you've got to do it 75 days in a row.

And if you miss one day, you're out. You got to go back to zero. When, it's always too late to start. You can start anytime you want. It's not like a thing. It's like a thing you do yourself. You got to go back to zero. So is it too late to start? You can start anytime you want. It's not like a thing. It's like a thing you do yourself. Or a group. Two 45 minute workout today.

Did it, can it be anything? I walk my dog. Check. I stretch. Check. Yeah, I'm into winning. Like I don't know about everybody else, but this is the other thing. I have been like and and and and and and and and and I have it is not for losers because we very wildly successful people, we tend

to harp on the things going wrong. You will have so much more success and more joy and be a better leader if you are able to laser focus and celebrate the things going right. If you're wondering how to get a grip on the most important global development, the Economist has a new subscription. The Espresso app, yes, like the coffee, is the faster and smarter way to get the news. As always, the Economist likes to get to the point. Espresso offers short articles to help you understand the day's top stories.

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But how do you teach that really? You stand in front of a damn mirror and you do the high five. Yes! So, okay, let's... I know, you do not wanna believe it. I know, I do believe it. I'm gonna join the challenge. How about that? You can do the high five challenge.

High five challenge. Five million people. Five mornings in a row. Okay, it's hosted by growth day. Why is this water black? It's a red. Or is that like the color of the hood? No, no, it is black because there's

pelvic minerals. It's called BLK and it's the pelvic minerals and pelvic is really good for your, it is black because there's phalvic minerals. It's called BLK and it's the phalvic minerals and phalvic is really good for your, it's overall good for your health. It's good for it's a grantee oxydin. What is a phalvic? It's a mineral found in soil, so it's a natural derived. So I'm drinking dirt?

No, it's from dirt, but no, they're not drinking dirt. But it's great for nutrient absorption. It's a great antioxidant. Oh, so what I'd say is like instead of electrolytes or something Oh, a very healthy version of it. There's no sugar. There's no nothing. No, it's naturally alkaline Okay, I'm gonna yeah, I'm gonna oh yeah, it's delicious and that's it tastes exactly like regular water. It just looks different. Well, you know what's interesting? What if I close my eyes it tastes like natural water. A hundred percent it does.

It's just that it looked brown, that my brain rejected it. That's why it says BLK, it stands for black water. Wow. Yeah. Okay. No, it's fair. And if you're gonna be drinking, it's really, really popular with athletes

and with people who are big into fitness because it helps replenish all your- I'm not big into fitness. You know what I'm big into? You're doing two 45 minute workouts a day right now. I said I was walking my dog and stretching. You're doing, you look pretty good to me though lady. I don't know.

Thank you. I'm into just practicing simple discipline. Is it working? Because it looks like it's working. I'm on day two. I'll let you know how it goes. I just said that like I own the channel. No, no, no, no, no. Literally barely scraped by yesterday. So,

Well, you said something that it's fair, the discipline. This is one that, all, everything I think begins and ends with success with discipline. You have to have the discipline, desire and- But see, I think, what's the other one? Discipline desire what? Work ethic, I can go on and on.

Gotcha, I thought there was like a DDU. I have a hundred of them, but I can, we'll start with, we'll stop at that. So I think the word discipline is scary. I think it's very scary and it's very difficult. Intimidating. And so I prefer to practice what I call simple discipline. Okay, what is that?

And we're already writing a book on it, so nobody can steal that idea, right? So because I saw your eyes light up. No, it's literally that you can create discipline in your life by doing two 45 minute workouts, one of them outside every day. You can also create discipline in your life by getting up in the alarm rings. Like small rings. Yes, making your bed.

I also lay my exercise clothes out in my closet, which I have to walk through to get to the bathroom. It's like a trap on the floor. Yeah. If I step over it, I'm basically going screw you, Mel. But by laying it out, I am able to exercise a muscle-simple discipline. It's an environmental trigger. It's right there I'm reminding myself that and I pull it on I walk into the bathroom I stand in front of the sink as I'm brushing my teeth and I set an intention for the day and I raise my hand

And high five myself as a way to Practice simple discipline as a way to show myself support and love and celebration no matter what I'm facing in life The good and the bad as a way to be present, as a way to send myself into the game of life with a little bit of momentum behind me instead of feeling like I'm dragging a frickin' boulder behind me. Another way to practice simple discipline is drinking a half a gallon of water a day.

Another way to practice simple discipline is to put your hands on your heart whenever you feel your nervous system going up. You could be in the grocery store and some jerk cuts you off and grabs the last box of the Bolo granola. And now you're all angry because you wanted it. You feel it up to sky, I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. I'm okay, I'm safe, I'm loved. Like those sort of little things that flood your nervous system are ruining your life because none of us realize that flood your nervous system are ruining your life. Because none of us realize how much your nervous system being dysregulated.

I can see it. You're getting emotional. Why? Why? Oh, I'm not getting emotional. I just like, I totally have this green eyes where your eyes get really like beautiful and watery. Oh, really? Yeah. Thank you. That's just natural. Because I wasn't actually, I'm just actually agreeing with so many things that you're saying. And I'm really big on. And what I do a lot is I do what you do. I put certain things in my day to make sure they happen. Because I know that I don't like to drink water, so then I won't allow myself to get out of bed until I drink a huge glass of water. Having, now look, I've only really practices for a day. So I'm not exactly the world's best expert at this. And this wasn't even my idea.

My husband knows that with my ADD and dyslexia, and dysgraphia, and everything else under the sun that you can put a label on, that me getting a gallon of water into me is gonna be a challenge. And so he basically said, you've got to drink two-sixteen answers before you have a cup of coffee. Yeah, that's exactly what I do.

And so that little hack has helped me a lot. But you also, for someone who has no... For a day. I'll let you know tomorrow how it's going. Oh, yes, I'm going to check in with you. It's not traveling. I mean, yeah, like I was saying, you travel a lot. Where are we yesterday?

Oh, Utah. I was in Salt Lake yesterday. We're in LA today. We're in San Francisco tomorrow. So how do you stay on, like, how do you stay disappointed? I make my bed in a hotel. You do? Yes, because you want to be who you are no matter where you are.

Yes, true. You want to be who you are no matter who you're around. So if I'm somebody that always wakes up in the alarm rings, I don't set my alarm for the same time every morning. That's why I stumbled when you asked me that question. You were talking around. You were talking around. I sit before I go to bed at night, I think about my day, and I go, when do I need to set this for so that I'm supported in the morning?

This morning is the perfect example of me doing a terrible job at that, because I thought to myself, oh, okay, well, I've got my first thing at eight o'clock. I've got to get in a 45 minute workout. I forgot the fact that I'm going to want to have a cup of coffee and the fact that I've drink 32 ounces of water means I'm going to spend more time in the bathroom. I also discounted the fact that we're here in Los Angeles and my daughter goes to the Thurton School of Music at USC and and she was gonna be swinging by coming from a party at one o'clock in the morning, which meant that I was going to then stay up

and talk to her, and then that meant that I would wake up extra tired, which means I probably needed a half an hour longer than I did. And so I kinda screwed myself over by setting my alarm for six o'clock in the morning. Right, but you reversed engineer your day. Yeah, I do.

And so every day, it's different. And normally I'm really good because I put in the time to have about 15 minutes of just kind of flex time to get from my bedroom out into the kitchen or wherever. I always exercise in the morning if I can. And what do you kind of exercise besides walking the dog? If I have no time, I drop into a two-minute plank, or I'll use a Tabata app and do the 2015 for four minutes.

Okay. Or I can now do jumping jacks because I've had bladder surgery. So even jumping jacks for two minutes. You can do it now. Yeah, I can do that. Okay, good. After three kids, it was kind of an issue.

And then, but if I have time, I always either do streaming yoga class or I go for a hike. I don't really run anymore. I'll go for a power walk. I will jump on a palatine, that kind of, I love bar class. So like, do you have a guitar? So it doesn't matter what time. As long as you do some form of activity. I like to try to get done in the morning because it's so long. Like, you try to do like a 45 minute, it doesn't matter. As long as long as you do some form of activity. I like to try to get done in the morning because it's how long.

Like you try to do like a 45 minute, doesn't matter. It's actually walk into the studio, I win. Yeah. I mean, I, most yoga classes are an hour, most of our classes are 50 minutes. But I, you know, I used to never be somebody. I've practiced yoga for 20 years, never once laid out a mat at home.

And the pandemic changed my life. So I now barely go to a yoga studio because I can then just stream it. Right, yeah. And so you do that every morning before, that's a non-negotiable for you, right? You exercise. If I don't do it,

if I don't get a yoga class in, I will do a plank or I'll do abs. And just a plank for two minutes and then that's enough. That's enough for me. Okay. I mean, it might not be enough for you, but it's pretty freaking hard. No, no, no, two minutes is a great plank. Okay, I mean, it might not be enough for you, but it's pretty freaking hard.

No, no, no, two minutes is a great plank. I'm just saying, so it's about work when you said working out. And it did start with like, it was two minutes with the knees on the ground. No, no, no, no, I know, well, I didn't say it, and not I know, but I was saying that.

So it does it. Here's the thing, I love keeping my word. Yeah. And so one of the things that trips everybody up, is you say, I have to have an hour plus 15 minutes commuting time each way. Imagine how much your life would change. If you literally ratcheted that down to,

I need to walk outside for 10 minutes. Yeah, totally. And you do that every day for a month, and you just experience the life-changing magic of keeping your promise to yourself and having a little bit of simple discipline in your life because when you start to see yourself acting in a way that is aligned with the person you want to become, you start to really shift who you're becoming. It's through the actions.

That's why this high five habit is so powerful. I think anybody watching this could look at me and be like, yeah, I'm sure that chick high fives herself. Why? Because I'm a really positive person. Right. I'm extremely optimistic. I think it's also very clear that I'm far from perfect.

And yet, it's also clear that I love myself, not in a conceited way. But in a kind of like a parent loves a kid. I didn't understand this until I had kids. When you're a child, and I write about this in the high five habit, you make the mistake of thinking, if your parents are disappointed or angry or upset with you, that they've stopped loving you.

Oh, you tell the pool table? Yeah, you can be, you can hold two things at once. You can love somebody very deeply and be very angry at them or disappointed in them. And it wasn't until I became a parent that I understood that. I thought if somebody was disappointed or upset with me, they stopped loving me. And when I became a parent, I started, oh my God, my kids do stuff that piss me off every day. My son had his first day of high school, like literally two days ago.

I've called him several times, he's not called back. He's a 16 year old boy, but still. Yeah. Does it bother me? Yes. Am I hurt? Yes. Am I annoyed? Yes. Have I stopped loving him? No. Of course not. But we also don't have that relationship with ourselves. So when we do things that disappoint us or that upset us about ourselves, we screw up, we fail, we do things we regret, we get caught in

trauma patterns, things that are beyond our control until we kind of wake up and realize that's what you're dealing with. You stop loving yourself because you stop treating yourself with love. And so I think you can bring it back. I am always kind to myself. Am I aggressive and competitive and just driving in business and do I have massive goals? You better believe it, but I think you can be kind and soft with your soul as you're going after the biggest fricking stuff that you can possibly imagine. No, I agree with that, but you said something earlier and I wanted to ask you that all kind of wraps together about you traveling all the time your kids Not, you know, you know, fun. Like your kids at school. They're not calling you back your parents when the pool table people can read the book to get the story

But I wanted to really ask you what this guilt thing because it could be guilt for yourself or guilt for other people right like you know When you're traveling a lot for work and not around for your kids and how people can deal with that or guilt, guilty when you eat a whole cake when you, on yourself, be hard on yourself and you feel guilty. How, overall, how do people really kind of combat the feeling of guilt? Great question. So first let's understand that there are two forms of guilt.

There's productive and destructive. So productive guilt is the kind of guilt that makes you wake up and change your behavior. So let me give you an example. So let's say that you are somebody that's going through a really rough time and your way of coping emotionally is to eat your feelings. If you start to feel guilty about how much binging you're doing, it's productive if you reach out for help, right? It's destructive. If you ruminate, bury yourself in shame, make yourself wrong and continue to binge. Because all that that destructive guilt is doing is it is making you feel worse about yourself,

which deepens your emotions, which makes you feel less power, you know, even more powerless, which causes you to binge even more. If it's productive, it causes you to take an action in a different direction. Productive guilt for those of us that work like crazy. And travel a lot. And travel a lot. If you feel guilty all the time about your traveling and your work schedule, stop and pay attention to it.

Are you feeling it and using it to just make yourself wrong or is the guilt trying to get you to pay attention to something? When I first became wildly successful, I felt guilty all the time. And when I finally stopped and unpacked it, I felt guilty that I was missing out on school events, guilty that I was in home to tuck them in, guilty that I was constantly working, guilty that I wasn't volunteering at the school,

guilty that I wasn't the one driving the carpool, guilty that just on and on and on and on. And so I stopped it and I was like, okay, whoa, what exactly do I feel guilty about? Because there's a lot of FOMO that drives guilt. And the feeling like you should do that, you should be there, should be doing these things to each other people.

Or if you feel guilty that you, it seems that you prioritize, not you, I'm talking in general, your career over your family. Like, oh, you're missing, I'm not driving carpool. Exactly the same thing. And that could be, again, men and women, right? You can't make it to this thing. You're not driving carpool, you're not around

or whatever it is. Well, I can unpack this because here's the thing. Okay. What I, where I think you were going is comparison. Well, yeah, that's gonna say, this mom is doing this, this dad's gonna be, is leaving a meeting at early to be at the soccer game I think I'm gonna have a hot flash hold on

I can't help me count like getting like no, I feel it's coming like a volcano. Are you okay? Well, it's a manifaz Okay, don't just keep talking okay. Are you sure why some cold water? I can't do anything about it It's like a hormone thing shake it you some ice no, I'm good like you see how like flush. I'm getting or is it only You were really really read for about like 10 seconds, but now you're ready again again. Yeah, see, like I feel like everybody on camera is what a hot flush is. Well, how old are you?

52. You look great though. Thank you. You're welcome. I mean, yeah, sorry. I didn't know it was a hot flush. You don't seem like you're having a hot flush. It's all internal.

This is what it looks like. Now, see, if I were resisting it, right? My nervous system would go on edge. My thoughts would go, if I were resisting it, right? My nervous system would go on edge. My thoughts would go, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, you're having a hot flesh on camera. You're about to be right red, which would only then accelerate the hot flash and the nervous system stuff and it would make it all worse. So you kind of just like, you put it out there. So you already, and now it's gone. So where was I with you with the guilty? Oh, I was going to say something.

Oh, so let me say so it's about comparison. So that guilt is driven by comparison. You think you should be this way. The way to figure out productive guilt is ground down in your values. Yeah, but you know what it is. You said it really well in the book about stop saying I'm sorry and start saying thank you. Right.

But before you can do that, you have to ask yourself, what do I want? Because what I realized is I actually don't want to miss out on this much. Right. But the speaking business works like 12 months out. Right. That's right. And they book 12 months out. So once you're in the schedule, you're in the schedule.

And so I felt guilty all the time. And so I said, well, wait a minute, I don't want to be traveling this much, so I need to change. So I put certain things in place. Like, I don't ever travel on the weekends. Unless it's like something super whatever. I typically don't travel on Mondays and Fridays. I don't travel to a place I can't get to on a direct flight.

I pick and choose, I take the entire summer months off to be present. Oh, you did that. Yes. Now, if an incredible thing comes up and it works, then I'll do it. But grounding down in your values and what you really want is how you get to the bottom of what works for you and then you make the changes. And then the other piece of advice that'll change your life is flip guilt into gratitude. So this is another way to go from a really low mental state, right, which is feeling

guilty into a high five attitude, a higher mental state, flip it from feeling guilty into gratitude. And so what you do is instead of saying, I'm sorry, I'm late, I'm sorry this, I'm sorry this, I'm sorry I'm opinion this, I'm sorry I'm gluten free, I'm sorry, kids I won't be there say thank you Thank you for supporting me You know I want to be there and you also know that this Speech that I have is really important and so I so appreciate you supporting me and pursuing my dreams and you want to know what?

You got my word that I will support you and in pursuing yours And then your kids feel acknowledged and they feel like they're participating in what you're doing. When you say I'm sorry and you're constantly talking about how guilty you feel, you make it all about you and it makes everybody feel annoyed

and it makes everything worse. When you flip it into gratitude and you have this high five attitude about what you're up to and what support you need, you actually put the focus on everybody else and their support of you. And then you also are proving to yourself that you are worthy of that support.

Again, it's a way you high-five it. So how do you come up with all of this stuff? This is what I said too early. I struggle. I wake up in a Marriott courtyard across the country and I am missing a soccer game and I feel like shit. And I cry and I say I gotta change and I don't know how to change this

and we need the money and I can't be everywhere and why do I always feel so bad and I don't wanna feel like this and then I have to be like, okay, wallow in that crap and then stop and figure out how to change. If you don't want this, figure out what you want. You don't have to pick one or the other. You can have and. You can be an incredible mother and a kick-ass businesswoman. You can be an incredible partner and have an amazing, just lovely partnership with the soulmate of your life.

And you can also pursue your own dreams. It doesn't have to be an either or proposition. And you don't have to suffer. If you have trauma, fucking heal it. Address it head on and heal it. You're not responsible for the stuff that happened to you, but you're responsible for what happens next, which includes your healing, which includes your healing, which includes your goals,

which includes your happiness, which includes how you spend your time, all of it. And I'm gonna tell you, all those changes are gonna be a hell of a lot easier if you are empowering, supporting, and celebrating yourself every step of the way. High five challenge, baby. Let's go.

Get in it. I have one other question for you, and I know you have to wrap this up with you, but I have to because I really love this. It's whole motivation thing because people always ask about motivation. How do you get motivated to change? You don't. You don't. What do you tell people besides motivation is garbage.

Motivation is garbage. It does not exist. Period. So what should people lean on instead of using that? You know what you're motivated to do the things that are easy. You're motivated to do things that are easy and you're motivated to do things that other people force you to do. Of course. For sure.

Right. That's what you're talking about is intrinsic motivation. Mm-hmm. The motivation that comes from within. Yes. You will be motivated if it matters to you. If your kid falls into a raging river, you will jump in and do whatever it is that you can do to save that kid. You're motivated because it matters to you. If you kind of want to, but it's new, but it's hard,

but it's not, you're not motivated at all. You're confronted. And so your choice is to either think about it or do it. The five second rule is the best tool in the planet for this because here's the bottom line. If it's new, if it's scary, if it's uncertain, you're never gonna feel like doing it. Five, four, three, two, one, push yourself. So stop expecting that you're gonna wake up

and feel motivated. It ain't happening. And just figure out what you want. Make a plan. Five, four, three, two, one, push yourself through the anxiety, the fear, the excuses, the trauma, the tiredness, all of it, the phomo, the comparison, and make sure you high five yourself every step of the way, because you're gonna need it.

There you go. Gosh, I gotta run out the door. Yes, I gotta go. Bye, people buy the book. I love you, I love you, the high five. I love you. I gotta go. I wish we had more time.

I know, I just realized I am so sorry. Mel, I love you. Can you please give me a favor on here? Would you come back to this? Absolutely. Because I have a whole list of questions for you. Let's do it. Let's do it.

Let's do it. You are incredible. Everyone go buy her a book. The High Five Habit. When does it come out September the 28th? Yes, but people listen to this for years. So literally if you go to high five habit.com There's all kinds of free stuff you get when you buy the book if you register the receipt there forever It's coming out in 22 languages and counting and in any format any language get it use it push through the weirdness

Join the high five challenge so we can support you. See everybody's out there all excited. It's all good. Exactly. And that's it. Thank you for having me. I love you. Thank you so much for being here.

Mwah. This episode is brought to you by the Yap Media Podcast Network. I'm Hala Taha, CEO of the award-winning Digital Media Empire YAP Media, and host of YAP Young and Profiting Podcast, a number one entrepreneurship and self-improvement podcast where you can listen, learn, and profit. On Young and Profiting Podcast, I interview the brightest minds in the world, and I turn their wisdom into actionable advice that you can use in your daily life.

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