Habits and Hustle - Episode 248: 3 Hard Truths About Relationships

Episode Date: June 9, 2023

Do you have a bit of friction in your relationship? In this solo episode of Habits and Hustle, we share the 3 hard truths about relationships and what these mean for you. Whether it be trying too hard to be liked, agreeing with everything your partner asks from you, or disliking certain qualities in others, these tend to bring up some hard truths about yourself. What we discuss: 01:20: 3 hard truths about relationships 02:06: Does trying too hard make someone else not like you? 05:29: What does the quality you dislike in someone else mean about you?  10:51: Do you need a bit of friction in relationships? 14:39: Can what we dislike change throughout time? Key Takeaways: When you try too hard to be liked by others, you may come off as desperate. This will make it a lot harder for the person you’re trying to impress to like you. If you dislike a quality in someone, it may be because you see it in yourself. Do some self-reflection next time you point something out about your partner. Relationships, where there is little to no friction, don’t work - you can’t always agree on everything at all times and have a really strong bond.  My links: Website: https://www.jennifercohen.com/ Instagram: @therealjencohen  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You're listening to Habits and Hustle. Crescent. Hi everybody and welcome back to Habits and Hustle. Solo edition where we uncover, we talk about a topic that's out there in the ether that is of interest to me and hopefully you too. And where I'm joined by my foil. Shawnee, hi Shawnee.

And remember guys, I just wanted to say from the top, A.I. Appreciate you guys listening, watching all of it, all the things. And if you guys have not yet subscribed, please do so. And if you have not left any review, please do so. It totally helps the podcast grow. And if you want any topics or guests, let me know. I love back and forth. I love when we get feedback from you guys because it, you know,

basically it helps us like design the show that what you want to hear. So let me know, let me know all of it. And let's just go right into today's topic. Today's topic is we're going to go over three hard truths that are in relationships. All right, you guys? The first hard truth is the more you try to get somebody to like you, the less they will. The second hard truth is a trait you dislike in someone else is usually a trait that you have in yourself. And the third hard truth in every relationship is that you actually need a little friction to make that relationship real, to make it authentic. And we're gonna go into those deeper right now.

First of all, what do you think of those three hard truths? I agree with some of them and I disagree with some of them. Some is going to three. Yes, I agree with one, I disagree with some. Okay, so you agree with two. Actually, no, I agree. I agree wholeheartedly with the first one, disagree with the second,

and I am medium on the third. Okay, so let's go into them. So the first hard truth is the more you try to make someone like you the less they will, I think that we can all pretty much agree that is true. Right? Yeah, it's definitely. Right, because a lot of times when we want someone to like us, we like act desperate, that we can all pretty much agree that is true. Right? Yeah, it's definitely. Right, because a lot of times when we want someone

to like us, we like act desperate or we come across desperate. Even if we're in intent, we know our intention is not to. For some reason, we tend to do that. Like I think that our personalities even like change and tweak, it's happened to me many times, right? Like when I really liked a guy, for example, I would always act weird or different than I normally would

because I desperately wanted him to like me when I was younger, right? And like, once I walked away from that situation, I'm like, what the hell am I doing? It makes me so unattractive, right? But we all tend to do that. So we come across desperate, even malintended. Is that a word?

Malintended or unintended? Yeah. No, I agree with that. The other a word? Malintended or unintended? Yeah. No, I agree with that. The other thing is, I think that we seem very disingenuous, right? Like, how many times when you want someone to like you, or like you see these things all the time when like, people are like, yes, man, they have no, they don't have their own opinion forged, or they just want to agree with everything you say because they want you to like them.

It actually like backfires and makes you less attractive, that makes you unattractive, right? Versus just like having an opinion and being authentic and real, right? And the other part is like a lot of times we come across again, very not authentic, which is the most unattractive quality. Wait, I just thought of something that was kind of interesting in a larger scale, like in terms of entertainment and media, I think that's probably the only way, the only area that it actually works where trying to get people to like you can work. Because there are a lot of, for example, content creators or influencers or whatever who are super fake online and are completely disingenuous, don't have any authenticity, but they get, they have a huge fan base who really likes them because of what they portray and they're really calculated in that.

So that's interesting. That's actually like so interesting. That is interesting, but I don't find what happens in social media or on social media, of course, to be real. No, of course. No, of course. No, of course, it is a bunch of nonsense. And I think that like, you could have a very likeable persona, but you're not really

interacting directly with somebody. You're basically playing a role, like an actor or an actress, right? And that, you could be very likable as an actor and actress. A lot of times, in real life, you're very not likable. Yeah, absolutely. In that way, right? But as in to say, it's the one time that that phrase might not necessarily hold true, which is so weird.

I'm talking about in real time, in real life, with real people, I believe this to be most people when you want somebody to like you, desperately, even as a romantic partner, sometimes you come across, because you want it so badly, you have, there's tendency to not even act yourself and come across desperate. And desperation is like the most unattractive.

Yeah. Right? So especially in dating. Oh, God. And you lack the, again, it's like feels so disingenuous. It feels so fake. It feels so like nothing is more attractive than someone who has like a high self esteem and confidence and like act as if.

Yeah. Right. And people want to be around that energy. So that's the first heart. That's the first heart truth is the more you try to make someone like you, the less it will happen. The second heart truth is that usually that that quality that you dislike in someone else is because you have it yourself, even if you're not consciously aware of it, right? If you actually take a moment to do like some reflection

or have some self-awareness, you'll see that it's because you have that in you, you've a little bit that really irks and bothers you. And so that's why that's the second-hard truth. And I know for myself, it's like, I guess it's called projection, right? Like a lot of times we project on other people what we have ourselves.

And I've done this many times. Again, I'm putting it out there because it's something that I think has happened to all of us or we've done it at some point of our lives. And if we can just like bring it to the surface and talk about it, I find it to be very interesting. Do you ever done that? Don't you believe that to be true?

No. I think it can be true, but I don't think it is just the truth. Like, I don't think any trait that you dislike in someone else is something that you have in yourself. Okay, so give me an example of what you think would be a trait, like, for you. Like, what would you dislike in somebody that you feel that you definitely don't have? I have really good manners, especially when I go out to eat, and I can't stand people who have really bad manners, who are not polite to the waiters or the wait staff who are just kind of gross at the table Yeah, but you're picking on these things. This is the okay, so I can name a hundred other ones. Okay name another one

I really just like people who lie and I very rarely lie. I don't like lying I think that's like a really bad quality. I would rather somebody let me down and disappoint me But be honest then try and just cover it up and lie. I find that to be like a really frustrating. That's okay, I agree with that too. I don't like people who are liars. Okay. But it's, I don't know, I don't, liars. I don't like people who lie.

You could be a good person. You're not a liar, but you might be lying to me. And because maybe, I don't know, there could be a hundred reasons why I'm not lying. Are you confrontational? I can be confrontational. It depends on what it is. Okay.

Well then maybe you're the anomaly, because I believe. No, I don't think so. I think you are. I think you are the anomaly. There's nothing you dislike in other people that you don't have in yourself. That's crazy. I don't like people who complain, especially about things that are... That if you just get a tiny bit of perspective, you'd feel a lot better about. I've traveled a lot and I've been to a lot of places with literally nothing

in the middle of like, but fucks out the America and I've seen kids with like literally nothing. So to me when I hear people complain about stuff, I just get special like things that are so like, oh my god, oh this food is bad. Oh, oh I'm so sorry, you're uncomfortable living at your parents house, like how unfortunate for you. Every time I internally complain about anything, I just think to myself, what are you even doing?

Like that's just crazy, like how much you have. So then maybe you have more perspective, but I believe overall, I guess what you're saying, and I understand that lying one for sure, but I actually would say that. Oh, or this is a really good one. Okay, which one? So I went to take a friend to a theater show for my friend the other day, and obviously, it was like a one-man show, two-one-man shows back-to-back, and they were a little quirky, a little bit weird. And literally during the show, she's turning to me

and being like, oh, this is so weird. How are they even doing this? Da-da-da. Like, it's a small theater. I don't care if other people can't hear it. If you're putting out that kind of energy in a room while somebody is pouring their heart and soul and is performance, take so much courage

to get up on that stage, to do whatever the hell it was that they were doing. Like, don't talk about it negatively right now. Don't talk to me. Let's focus on this. And I would never do that. And that's something that other people do. I understand what you're saying.

There are different things. There are traits. There are traits, but I think the key word here is usually. And here, you're picking ones that are like, yeah, like people who don't, like if I was to be honest with myself, I would say a lot of times, but I don't like an ad bit of somebody.

A habit, I should say, is it's because I've done that. I can see myself involved in doing that. Like, what you're picking out are universal traits. They're just unattractive period. Like, nobody likes liars. Nobody likes assholes who are like rude to people in a restaurant. Nobody likes, I mean, these are like universal things that like, it doesn't make it that you necessarily have it. It just means that universally like most people in the world are not going to like people who are rude, who are liars. I mean, these are things that are pretty common. I think what I'm referring to are usually things that are much more like personality traits that

are maybe aren't so like vicious in those ways. So give me an example. An example would be flakiness or somebody who kind of is like non-passive aggressiveness. I'm just making these up. Are you passive aggressive? I'm not passive. Because I'm not and I dislike people who are aggressive. I don't think but I think that I don't love confrontation. And so I've been in situations where because I don't like

confrontation, I will scurry away from something and then be annoyed and frustrated and act on that. So yeah, maybe I'm not considered to be passive aggressive, however. Are there elements of times when I have done it and I don't like it? Yes. What I'm saying to you is that it's a difference between universally having shitty qualities that most people have and then things that are like... But quirks or things that I don't like in you because I see it in myself.

But passive aggressive is also universal. I think universally people don't like passive aggressive either. But, like you know, I think it's also universally, which by the way, I actually am mildly flaky, and I don't mind people who are flaky. I find it actually endearing. Oh, I don't find, if you think flakiness is endearing,

I think so. Not in the work setting, but in a real setting, I think that that means that someone's living in the moment, that they're present, they're doing whatever it is they're doing, and they're not beholden to me, some random person in this universe that is not actually them in their lives. That's fair. Let's move on to number three.

Okay. I think if I don't think you've actually established that much, you're a true person. No, I think there's, okay, so my point is, universally, there's things that are just unattractive quality's period. How about you guys that listen to this podcast,

would you agree or disagree? Do you believe that usually something that you're not like loving in someone else is because you have it in yourself somewhat? And I'm not talking about things as broad and big as being a liar or being an asshole, being rude to people or being mean to people. I'm talking about little things,

maybe passive aggressive can fall into that too. I don't know. Some people don't mind passive aggressiveness as much as me. I like to stain it, but I think it's because maybe I can be that way. But what do you think at home? Tell me. And the number three is that you need a little friction to make a relationship work. And the reason why I say that is because if you're just agreeable all the time, how do you build something that has a true foundation? Like you need to have a little bit of fight to grow.

That's my point. Do you disagree with that one too? That one I'm just medium on, but I agree with that. In terms of what you just said, I definitely agree with. It's the idea of if you want someone to be strong in their opinion,

oftentimes giving them a little bit of pushback, this is actually a classic survivor strategy on the show, where if you really want someone to do something and they've brought the idea up to you, instead of just like super agree, being very agreeable with it, give them a little pushback and have them plead their case even more to you, because then they'll get stronger in their ideas. So I see what you're saying. Yeah, that's manipulative. Right, sure. But it's the idea of tactic. But it's the idea of the friction developing a stronger hold in that person after. I totally agree.

You know what I mean? And it's a great, but that is manipulative. It's a manipulative tactic that's very, very good in business by the way, which we could do a whole other podcast on. That is good in business. I never even thought about it that way. It's a great, it's a great business tactic. What I'm talking about is much more about the idea that when you fight with somebody because you have a disagreement, if you can work out that

fight, it usually brings you closer and stronger as a unit, right? Because you're going through resistance. It's the idea of resistance that helps, you know, really kind of bond and build strength. That's really what I'm talking about. What you're talking about is more. Well, no, I understand. I was just relating it to what you said at the beginning. Yeah. But yeah, I hear you. I think a little friction is good. I think that there is just a fine line. Like, I think when it gets too much, that's when it starts becoming a problem. Oh, yeah. Well, that's why I say, like like a little friction. I think when people are just like very agreeable all the time with each other,

it lacks some kind of like some stickiness in a way, you know? And again, these are all malleable, right? So if you guys have any opinions, let me know. But those are my three heart, how about this? These are my three heart truths in relationships. What are your three heart truths? Wait, I actually really, can you, okay, next time we meet up, obviously it's gonna be in a while,

but just think about like when you're in a situation and you're sat there and you're annoyed with someone, think to yourself, do I do that also? Because I'm so curious if there are ones that you ask so many. Don't do as well yourself. There's so many. I'll tell you one that I think is interesting.

I really hate flakes. I really do. I think I really don't like that, but I've been a flake. I love a good flake. I don't. You know what I hate? And I'm very much, I don't do this. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean.

If I say I'm gonna do something, my word is really, really important. And when people are lax on that, like drives me crazy. I hate that. But again, I think I've learned to be better at it, and I've learned to be good at it. People are lax on that, like drives me crazy. I hate that. Yeah. But again, I think I've learned to be better at it and I've learned to be good at it.

I think probably at a time in my life I wasn't and that's what's kind of like why it kind of like stings and bothers me to my core more. So that's another thing, like I think that maybe you're not like this now, but maybe at a different phase of life it could be something that you were more like at some point. I'm just throwing it out there.

Well, there are all the things like, there's like, are things that I've definitely, like things that I dislike in other people are definitely things I try to make sure I don't do. I will say that for sure. That's definitely true. Like if I notice something, especially even in a social setting, for example,

I really try and be cognizant. I think in life, you have so many years, right? To learn and improve and grow. And like, I'd love to be just theant. I think in life you have so many years, right, to learn and improve and grow. And like I love to be just the best person I can be at all given times. And that's just a constant evolving process. So whenever I pick up something, like if I'm in a social setting, for example,

and I see someone do something that I'm really turned off by or I just find, you know, it like, I don't know, makes me feel weird. Then I think to myself, do I ever do that? And if I do, definitely don't do that anymore. And I'm more cognizant of it because... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a good point. It's like filming your sets, right? Like when you film your set, you can improve. So when you can see somebody else do something that's something that you don't want to do,

you can visually see how it's bad. You don't have a camera on you 24-7 to see how you might want to improve yourself, but you can look at other people. Cherry! Cherry! Cherry! ABC Tonight. This Bachelorette came for the fairy tale. This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. But things get real. I have such a great group of guys. Oh!

I see myself with each of them. Real fast. The beat I've just exploded. You did me dirty. Are you kidding? Your brothers is on the chest, but who's to say I can't clip that off. The Baxler Act for years tonight, 9-8 Central YBC and Streamon Hulu.

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To a conclusion, to a conclusion is being recognized and be cognizant of when you don't like something in someone, maybe have a reflective moment or that self-awareness moment where you're like, hmm, why don't I like that? Is it because I have a little bit of it? Like, why does it bother me so much? Like, to me, the whole purpose of doing these solos and or everything in life, in my opinion, for me, is to see if I can like shed a glean light or knowledge from what it is. So that's the bottom line. So next time that you see yourself doing that,

see why it is that you have that reaction or that feeling and maybe kind of have that reflective moment. And that's basically all. Yes, oh, you know what else I hate? Road rage. Oh, can't stand road rage. Yeah, I see, I don't like it, but guess what? I have it too sometimes.

Do you have it? I live in LA. I mean, if you're telling me you have no road rage when you live in LA, I don't believe you. But I just don't understand why am I like, I can't hear you. You know when people like, you yell, I don't know. I don't know if they're like, it's so frustrating, but like if that person is like literally hearing you,

like I'll have, I have friends who have full conversations with the car ahead of them. Like as if they are, which I get, you're trying to just get out your emotions and stuff, but it also just cracks me out. Well, I can't say I was like, when you, like the road rage, I think is really annoying.

I don't do this at all. Like someone drives by or they're so annoyed by you because you did something like you didn't move fast enough or like when a green turn, you know, red turn, red. And they're like giving you the finger and like going rampage. Yeah, why are you doing that? Like I'm embarrassed for you. You know, red, turn, red. And they're like giving you the finger and like going rampage. Yeah, why are you doing that? Like I'm embarrassed for you.

You know, like what are you doing? Yeah, like, you know, like the odd like, oh, that's so annoying, is different than like, you know, the roadway. Yeah, like they're like, fuck you. Oh my god, like they're like, they're like taking it to a whole other level. Yeah, it's like, dude, it wasn't a personal attack.

Like, that's like crazy. But again, it's like, love, it's all degrees and everything's relative. So I have mild road rage. I don't do that, but, you know. You don't get out of your car. I'm knocking on the other person's window. I'm like swearing at the person

or like drive right up to their window and start screaming at them. No, I don't do that. Anyway, so thank you and anything else to add? I think that's good. Perfect. Don't have road rage. Yeah. Or trying to add? I think that's good. Perfect. Don't have road rage. Yeah.

Or try to manage your road rage if you live in LA. All right, guys, thank you so much. Talk to you soon. Thank you so much for listening to this week's solo episode. And if you like this, I know you will like, hopefully, love my book, Bigger, Better, Boulder. And why? It's because it's time for you to start living the life you want and not just the life

you get. I not only help you answer the questions like, what do you want? Most in life and why don't you have it. But I also help you make it a reality. The link is in the show notes for you to easily check it out now. And thank you again for being here and spending time with me. Now go show up to your life and live a bit bolder today. I hope you enjoyed this episode. I'm Heather Monahan, host of Creating Confidence, a part of the YAP Media Network, the number one business and self-improvement podcast network.

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