Habits and Hustle - Episode 314: Don’t Push for Happiness - Do this Instead…

Episode Date: January 26, 2024

“I just want them to be happy…” How many times have you caught yourself saying this about your friends, your family, your kids? Be honest! But what does that actually mean? And is it even possible? In this episode of Habits & Hustle podcast I share why we’re not here to chase fleeting moments of joy. We're here to build robust foundations of self-esteem. To live a life full of productivity and purpose. It’s time to shift our perspective on what we want for our children’s future, and our own. What I discuss… (02:09) The fallacy of happiness as an old goal & the damage that can do (06:40) The importance of hard work and self-efficacy in building a fulfilling life (09:47) How to avoid the trap of instant gratification and instead make decisions with long-term fulfillment in mind …and more! Thank you to our sponsors: HBR: Go to www.hbr.org/subsciptions and enter promo code HABITS Find more from Jen: Website: https://www.jennifercohen.com/ Instagram: @therealjencohen Books: https://www.jennifercohen.com/books Speaking: https://www.jennifercohen.com/speaking-engagement Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi guys, it's Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits and Hustle. Crush it! Widely acknowledged as the leader in business leadership information, Harvard Business Review provides information, tools, and practical advice on leadership, management, and strategy through the hbr.org website, their print publication, and their podcasts. The site hbr.org is updated with great new business management articles daily and includes key insights to those interested in practical advice for better business management. Some examples of recent articles that I really got a lot from are organization change, what's derailing your company's transformation and and another one called decision-making and problem-solving, leaders framework for decision-making.

Plus, HBR produces a number of leading business podcasts from HBR on leadership to HBR Idea Cast. I'm telling you guys, they're such great foundational information if you're trying to get a leg up on anything business. While much of Harvard's business reviews content is available for free, after signing up at their site, subscriptions to unlimited content start only at $10 a month. Go to www.hbr.org slash subscriptions and enter promo code habits right now to take advantage of this great offer. Again, go to www.hbr.org slash subscriptions and enter promo code habits to learn more opportunity to help manage your career and business. Welcome to another solo episode of Habits and Hustle with Shani, my foil.

Your favorite episode. Yeah. They are. They are. Some of my, some of them are some of my favorite episodes. No, I love that. Okay, guys, I want to ask a question. I'm going to throw it out there, okay?

I'm just going to throw it out there. Sometimes I just throw ideas out there and then I just see what comes back to me, okay? All right, so I was on a podcast, someone else's podcast, I don't know, maybe a little bit ago, a couple weeks, three weeks ago. And the person asked me a question and they said, what do you want for your kids? Don't you just want your kids to be happy? And I said, no, I don't want my kids just to be happy. Happiness is an arbitrary word, in my opinion. I want my kids to be productive. I want them to be productive members of society who are contributing and who have a sense of purpose and a sense of self because in my opinion if you're not a productive

person that is contributing to society and has a sense of meaning you're not going to be happy and in fact, not only you're not going to be happy, I actually believe that you're going to be unhappy and have a really low self-esteem. So once that person asks me the question, I'm like, you know what? No, I don't want my kids to be happy or my kids. I want them to be productive. I think productivity breeds happiness.

I love that. Really? Yeah. Because what do you think? I think happy is a little arbitrary. To me, emotions are on a flow chart. It's all like a spectrum. It's all going to happen up and down here and there.

So I think the idea of happiness is a little overrated in the way that society puts it. I think what brings me the most happiness, quote unquote, however you want to view it, is memories and doing things. To me, those are my happiest days. And so like doing things with friends, spending time with friends, family, whatever, things that I really enjoy, and also like just in ways that feel fulfilled.

So it's like not my only part of life. My day is worthwhile. I don't know, I just, I think that it flows. I think you've got to do things that make you happy without necessarily doing them for the sole purpose of them making you happy, but just them being good things to do. Right, so basically, no it doesn't,

but I kind of got what you said in the midst of all of it, but the bottom line is we're saying similar things. I don't love the word happiness. I think happiness in general, that word is very arbitrary because I think it's a moving target, right? Like there are always gonna be times you're happier than other times. And if you're just always seeking happiness

in a very kind of- Like shallow way. Shallow way or you just, I hate when people say to me, I just wanna be happy. I just wanna be happy. But what does that mean? Like what are you doing to be happy versus just going for that happiness feeling?

Because it wanes. It's like willpower, motivation, everything else. Like, you're not always motivated. You're not always happy. You're not always sad. You're not always depressed. Like, everything is, has like, you know, everything has kind of ebbs and flows to it. So all you can really do is do things that will help you feel that way by kind of, it's a ripple effect, and it's kind of like you get there by doing certain things, again, consistently and daily. And I think when people always say, well, I just want my kids to be happy, but okay, what does that mean? What are they doing to be happy? How are they contributing?

What are they doing? How are they working? Work, hard work, I believe equals happiness eventually because you feel a sense of self, self-efficacy, you know, you feel self-confident, self-efficacy. I mean, there's a whole laundry list of things that really kind of help create a higher self self-esteem. And part of that is having that feeling of being able to that you're competent and capable. Yeah. And when you're not being competent, and you're not acting capable, and you're not using whatever that is to work hard at whatever that thing is, what ends up

happening is your self-esteem takes a hit. It takes a hit over and over and over again. And the only way to build up that self-esteem is to do things that prove to yourself that you are competent and that you are capable and that you know you are productive. It's interesting it's this idea of like self-worth, self-value, and like the doing things that make you have that higher self-worth will lead to sort of like a happier state, let's say. And there are definite, like you can be depressed

and also doing really badly in life. That's a way worse depression than if you're really emotionally depressed, but you're actually doing really solid in life. Because I feel like it counterbalances a bit, like you can handle those emotions more because your life is in a better place. And if you don't get those things together, then like handling the, you know,

the flow of whatever emotions come your way is so much more difficult. But it's true that to me, actually, I think like my more positive emotions are linked to how I feel about myself. And like you're saying about the self worth, like to me, what brings me the highest self worth is when I listen to myself the most. It's like one of my mantras is I don't negotiate with myself. Stems from like a whole Kobe speech that he did once at a press conference. And this idea that so often like we find it hard to listen to anyone, authority, whatever, but including ourselves, which is crazy because like you should be able to listen to yourself. Of all the people in the world, you should actually be able to tell yourself something

and then follow through and do it. In theory, like if you want to do something and you tell yourself you're going to do it, you should just be able to do it. But a lot of people can and do it. In theory, like if you want to do something and you tell yourself you're going to do it, you should just be able to do it. But a lot of people can't do that. And when you can connect those dots and actually do what you tell yourself that you want to do, your self-worth and value becomes so much higher. And to me, that's when I'm at my most happiest states,

is when I'm in that kind of level of life. And I love that. I love that part. And I think that's actually exactly what you're talking about with productivity. It's like following through on the things you want to do is a very productive feeling. Well, I think following through. So I don't think of it as the same necessarily, but both things get you to the same place. So following

through isn't necessarily the same as being productive. But like I said, it gets you to the same place. But I am a big believer. And actually, I did a bunch of research for this for Bigger, Better, Bolder, because at the end of the day, it is about feeling that it's about self efficacy, the feeling of being able to do something that on your own gives you the confidence to do something else again and again and again. And then I believe there's a difference between self confidence and self esteem. And how you build true self-esteem. A higher self-esteem is basically following through and showing and then proving to yourself that you're capable of doing whatever that task is or that

thing is. But being productive is constantly giving back in some way, like working really hard towards goals, at your job, finishing school. To me, I don't even think necessarily getting a degree in college isn't because that degree in college is so important for what that degree is. But what it does say to me, if I was hiring somebody, and when I do hire somebody, by the way, when I do hire someone who has a degree, it's not because of the good degree, but it's because it says to me

that they were able to follow through with something to at least get that degree. That means you stuck it out, even though you didn't like it for three years or four years or whatever that degree is, and you finished something. You accomplished a task. You know, I hated school more than anybody. I was terrible at school. My mom would tell you. or four years or whatever that degree is, and you finish something, you accomplished a task. I hated school more than anybody.

I was terrible at school, my mom would tell you. I didn't even wanna finish grade one, but I did. And I put myself into these situations where I got a master's degree or two, not because I was good at it, not because it came easily, but because I wanted to show myself and prove to myself that I could do it. And do I remember a damn thing that I did in class? No. And I get a lot of people who are way better and smarter than me to help me graduate. I sure

did. But at least I finished and that me finishing proved to my proved to me, you know what? All right, I could do if I can, if I can finish this, if I can get through this program and get this certificate or in this diploma and this degree, what else, what else can I do? And so to me, putting yourself in situations where things are hard or, you know, that you started, finish those things. Because if you don't, I think that plays a real detriment to your self-esteem. It's a real knock. And yeah, so circling all the way back, it's more important for me, for my kids to be productive than just to have that arbitrary, I just want to be happy. Or I just want them to be happy because it means nothing.

It's like a silly frivolous saying that people now just like, just kind of like spe happy because it means nothing. It's like a silly frivolous saying that people now just like just kind of like spew when it means nothing. It's interesting. I'm thinking like right now why I feel like the word, like how I feel like I define the word happy in this sort of shallow way. And to me, it's almost like the instant gratification happy, right? Where it's when people say that I just want them to be happy when I hear that, I think like, OK, so they stay at home when they don't want to go to school or they do this,

because in the moment that's what will make them happy. Momentary happiness. Whereas I think of what you're talking about to me, that brings like real long-term, almost like fulfillment or joy, which is something that can carry through over long periods, whereas happy is almost,

I view as like almost these little birds of instant gratification. I totally get what you're saying and I actually totally agree with you. I think that happiness is like a finite feeling or in that moment. Like, I just wanna be happy right now. I'm staying home, I'm getting to watch Netflix.

I get to eat the meal I want. I get to eat my French fries, whatever it is. I'm just making it up. But like, I'm happy right now. But that's not sustainable happiness. And I guess, yeah, I guess the truth is like, there is a difference between even happiness and like overall feeling of satiation and fulfillment. Which is interesting because, and I'm not just saying this to plug my book, I

promise you, but like in the book, Bigger Better Bolder, that is exactly what the goal is. The goal is to curate and design the life that actually you want, that makes you happy by doing the things that make you happy, by going after the things that make you happy, versus just, you know, letting someone else choose what path you're going to take and just kind of like being kind of a backseat person in your life, as opposed to being the person who's driving, you're the backseat passenger.

And I think that's a really important distinction when you are trying to chase that quote, happiness or fulfillment. Fulfillment is a much bigger get than just that momentary happiness. Yeah, ask yourself, like, are you doing this because you wanna be like immediately happy now? You want the instant gratification of a little like spurred of euphoria or are you doing this because you think it'll make you happy in the long term right filled in long term so instant gratification versus delayed gratification usually the delayed gratification gets you the feeling of satisfaction over like long-term satisfaction

versus instant gratification that usually gets you to a place of like unhappiness down the road, right? You know, they've done so many studies on that, you know, the marshmallow study with the kids, you know, the kid who just ate all the marshmallows versus waited and then was able to have, oh no, the marshmallow test was like the kids that ate that one marshmallow versus waiting and getting all the marshmallows. I don't remember, Google it,

but it kind of talks about what we're talking about. Anyway, I wanted to bring that up and I wanted to maybe even get your opinion, anyone who's listening to this, if someone asked, and you were, if you're a parent and someone asked you that question about what ultimately do you want for your kids? Is happiness what you want for your kids? What would you answer? What would your response be? And after hearing what, you know, we were just talking about, would you change your mind? Do you agree with it? I'm just curious to know your thoughts, because these are all things that like in the moments, you know, we don't think about these things necessarily, but until we're asked the question.

And so I'm asking the question. I'm asking the question to you guys. And for those of you who don't have kids, what do you think? Do you think it's important to be overall? What's your definition of happiness? What's your definition of being productive? And do you see why it's so important to be productive,

to overall be happier and fulfilled. Let me know. Bye.