Habits and Hustle - Episode 476: The Secret to Raising Mentally Strong Kids in a Fragile World

Episode Date: August 15, 2025

Listen to the full episode: https://mindpumppodcast.com/2575-raising-resilient-children-with-jen-cohen/  While we're trying harder than ever to be "good parents," we're accidentally raising the most fragile generation in history. In today’s Fitness Friday episode, I’m sharing an excerpt from my conversation on the Mind Pump Podcast about how to raise resilient kids.  We share the alarming statistics showing skyrocketing rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide among young people, while exploring how our well-intentioned parenting methods may be doing more harm than good. From the elimination of boredom to the rise of helicopter parenting, we discuss how we've shifted from a "challenge culture" to a "coddle culture" - and why that's backfiring spectacularly. Tune in today to learn the shocking impact of smartphones and social media on childhood development, including how technology has robbed kids of essential social skills and real-world experiences that build resilience. What we discuss: Why Kids Are More Fragile and Anxious Than Ever Before The Real Problem with Modern "Gentle Parenting" Culture How We've Created a Coddle Culture vs. Challenge Culture Why Eliminating Boredom is Destroying Children's Creativity The Smartphone Crisis: How Technology Killed Childhood Why 26% of Gen Z Bring Parents to Job Interviews How Social Media Destroyed Real-World Social Skills The Pornography Epidemic Starting at Age 10 Why Kids Need to Experience Failure and Frustration The Connection Between Screen Time and Rising Mental Health Issues Thank you to our sponsor: Momentous: Shop this link and use code Jen for 20% off Therasage: Head over to therasage.com and use code Be Bold for 15% off  TruNiagen: Head over to truniagen.com and use code HUSTLE20 to get $20 off any purchase over $100. Magic Mind: Head over to www.magicmind.com/jen and use code Jen at checkout. 99designs by Vista: 99designs.com/jen20  – click "Claim my discount" to get $20 off your first design contest.  Find more from Mind Pump: Website: https://mindpumppodcast.com/  Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/mindpumpmedia/  Find more from Jen: Website: https://www.jennifercohen.com/ Instagram: @therealjencohen Books: https://www.jennifercohen.com/books Speaking: https://www.jennifercohen.com/speaking-engagements

Hi, guys. It's Tony Robbins. You're listening to Habits and Hustle. Crush it. Hey, friends, you're listening to Fitness Friday on the Habits and Hustle podcast where myself and my friends share quick and very actionable advice for you becoming your healthiest self. So stay tuned and let me know how you leveled up. into today's episode, I want to thank our sponsor, Momentus. When your goal is health span, living better, and longer, there are very few non-negotiables. One of them, quality. And when it comes to supplements designed for high performers, nobody does it better than Momentus. Momentus goes all in on NSF certification, which means every single batch is tested for heavy metals, harmful additives, and label accuracy. And that's why they're trusted by all 32 NFL teams and top collegiate sports dietitians across the country. Here's the thing. They don't sell every supplement

under the sun because they believe in nailing the basics with rock solid consistency and those basics are protein and creatine. Momentous sources creopure. The purest form of creatine monohydrate available, an absolute must for both men and women who want peak physical and cognitive performance. So if you're serious about leveling up, go to live momentous.com and use code Jen for 20% off. Just act now. Start today. Gen for 20% off. Live momentous.com. noticing as, you know, throughout the years is over time, kids are becoming more and more fragile, more and more frail. And it's really, the onus is on the parent. And I think this whole culture of a culture of gentle parenting has really made our kids weaker. And so I wanted to

have a platform or create some type of platform where we can kind of come together, unite, and create mental resilience in our little, in the younger generation. And so to me also, if you want to be a mentally strong person, why not start when you are a child? Like these are habits and tools that are important throughout your life. So why when you're like, what, 21, 25, then you start to learn how to be mentally resilient? Start when you're a kid and get the foundation. prime your brain, prime yourself for failure, for resilience, because life's not easy. Life isn't easy.

And if we coddle our children, which is what a lot of people are doing now in this time, it's actually you're doing a disservice in a real way. So this is a great topic. There's a quote you just reminded me. I think it was Frederick Douglass that said it's easier to raise strong children than it is to fix broken men. and I think it was Frederick Douglass Maybe Doug can look that up Make sure I'm not messing that up

But let's get let's go back for a second Because I understand gentle parenting very well Are you a gentle parent? But a lot of people misunderstand what it means So I want to know from you what you're referring to When you, because it's like intuitive dieting Like when I say intuitive dieting People have this completely

You're talking about a helicopter parenting Skewed view of what it is So what do you what are the characteristics of what you're talking about of this coddling type of of parent that raises these because by the way and I know you have the data to support this yeah I'm familiar with it uh it's true we are raising children that are more fragile and less resilient but let ever before yes let me let me let me just start by answering your question of what in my belief is gentle parenting gentle parenting in in my opinion is snow plowing all difficulty away from your children yeah that's not see it okay

And snow plowing challenges. We've created a culture of caudal culture versus challenge culture. And challenge is what makes you stronger and makes you more resilient. So let's start with that. I would also say part of this stuff is helicopter parenting, participation trophies, creating a space where there's safe spaces and triggers. All of this lingo and language, in my opinion is creating a soft child, which then creates a soft teenager, a soft adult,

which, by the way, I will tell you, some of this is causing suicidal rates to increase. Anxiety is through the roof. Depression is through the roof. When you don't feel competent and capable of like taking care of yourself and having any form of self-efficacy, what happens to you as a human being is is beyond detrimental right yeah and we've seen it i mean the reason why like what the reason why we are we all we were all raised in a very different time where independence was very much a thing we took we took risk we were kind of like thrown into independence because our parents weren't watching our every single single move and another big one is boredom. We've eliminated boredom from our children's lives, where we are over-scheduling

everything because we're so nervous of our kids missing out on anything. When the reality is, boredom is where creativity lives. It's where kids think for themselves and figure shit out. And if we're eliminating all of these things, what is our child left to do? They're not thinking from themselves. They're not acting on their own. Their parents are getting them out of every, you know, uncomfortable, challenging situation, and we're left with like basically a blob of a human being. That's what we're left with. Yeah. You know why, by the way, you know, what's your, why do you think parents are doing that? Why do you think parents aren't letting their kids be bored or why do you think parents are not letting their kids struggle?

I think what's happened, because over time, we've evolved to a place where parents rather be your, be their child's friend than being their parents. They're so scared of being disliked by their child that they're just like not parenting anymore. They're not disciplining anymore. They're not, they're so, they're so scared of that particular thing. When the reality is our job as a parent isn't to be liked all the time, isn't to make our kids happy all the time. It's actually the opposite. Our job as a parent is to make our kid resilient, make them competent, make them capable.

we are taking away everything from our kids. Chores are no longer even in most homes anymore. Like when I was a kid, there was no chance that I was not going to be forced to make my bed, put my dishes away. And when I was 12 years old, I had a job. I was working at the olive garden by 12. In today's time, kids aren't even babysitting anymore. They've like, there's no more babysitting. Like, I mean, do your kid, like, how old are your kids? Yeah. Well, I have four. I have two older ones and two younger ones. 19, 15, and then four and two. Okay.

But, you know, when you mentioned, you said confidence, independence, that all goes down to security, right? When a kid feels secure, then they can do all those things. And they don't feel secure when they don't feel like they can tackle the challenge. Well, because- Well, because what happens, there's a couple of things, right? There's like that learning space in the middle, right? You have on one side not knowing how to do something, and then the other side you have having the ability and competence to do something.

But in the middle, it's like that learning, I can't do, I can't do. And so it's very frustrating. Even as an adult, if I can't figure something out, I get super, like, anxious and frustrating. But frustrated. But I've learned that, like, it's part of growing is, like, being comfortable enough in that frustration to try and try and try. again, which is why I talk all about like that 10% target that I usually come on and talk about, which is making 10 attempts. We've eliminated that from our children, which is how people get comfortable with failure. And so we are so uncomfortable as a parent or as an adult

watching our kids struggle. That's it. Right? We're so uncomfortable from the struggle that we'll just do it for them. And so our kids don't know what to do when they feel frustrated. So they get super anxious and then in that anxiety spirals versus understanding and teaching your child that you know what like this is a normal feeling you know it's it's okay to feel frustrated it's okay to feel like I don't know how to do it but that's part of getting from not knowing to knowing is that process in the middle right like any good athlete there's a lot of a lot of hours of practice that go in from being bad at something to being really good. And it's us as a parent explaining and executing on that message saying, you know what,

me doing your homework or doing your science project isn't going to make you better, isn't going to make you feel confident. It's not going to raise your self-esteem. It's not going to do any of those things. All it does is make me as a parent compete with the other parent for the gold star of the science project. And what does that do for you? Absolutely nothing. Do you think that if you're looking back at like generations, especially baby boomers and, you know, it was a very high authoritarian type of parenting in the house. And sometimes there's love involved with that. Sometimes there's probably

an absence of love with that. And this is something I talk about even with some my friends who are parents because their natural reaction to that was to do the opposite in terms of, you know, not forcing their kids to do anything and they're trying to kind of approach it with a different perspective. But do you think that might have played a role in terms of like how, you know, culture sort of shifted in terms of the style of parenting? Okay. I think two things happened. I think people growing up in the in the 70s, say 80s, there was a massive shift after having your birthday, 1993, I believe it was, or 1995. I think a couple things.

I think that in 2010, actually, was a big one. When smartphones became a big thing, that's the first thing. Because instead of going outside to play and ride your bike and do all sorts of adventures and climbing trees, the kids have now migrated to being inside on an iPad, playing video games alone. So the whole act of socialization just dissipated from 2010 on. And when that dissipated, anxiety, depression, suicide, all skyrocketed. That's one thing. The other thing that happened was if I were to be honest with you, I think it's the woke culture.

I think the woke culture has crushed mental resilience in kids, period, full stop. Because that's when all of this gentle, parenting, the helicopter parenting, the participation trophy, safe spaces, all crept up into society where that became the new norm. And if you're somebody who is on that side of the fence, that's what you do. You know, you meant, so when you say gentle parenting, I want to interject because there is a massive misunderstanding, and this is what a lot of people do with their quote unquote gentle parenting is they think it means always being nice, never nothing hard,

letting you do whatever you want to do. The child kind of leads what's going on. What the real gentle parenting was, was firm with boundaries and structure and consistency, but not through anger or fear. Because what you end up getting are children that obey, not because they think it's the right thing to do, but because they're scared.

So this is like the girl who, I'm scared to my dad, but then the second she gets out, She's like, I'm free to do whatever I want. Right, right, right. But what you're talking about is, like, I'll give you an example. Parents who don't let their kids be bored are parents who never let themselves be bored. It's uncomfortable.

Being with little kids in the house, you know this. You've got little kids in the house. They're bored. It's uncomfortable having them be bored because it puts it on me. Yeah, yeah. Then you ask the parent, when's the last time you went to the bathroom without your phone? When's the last time you stood in line without looking at your phone? When's the last time you did nothing?

Totally true. I would actually, I would make, even though I'm not a fan of woke culture, I would actually point almost all of this towards the introduction of phones with kids at such an early age. I think that so much of what you describe that we're not doing happens in play. When you go outside and you play with the kids, you're right. You lose some games. You don't get to play what you want to play sometimes. You get hurt. There's so much of this.

And because we took that away from our kids and allowed them to be glued to a phone or an iPad or a television all day long, we rob them with those experiences. And then you compile, well, culture or this attitude of parents who don't know what to do. And instead, I don't want my kid to be any more anxious or depressed. And so I'd rather be, play on the safer side and go the gentle parenting route. And because I don't, I'm afraid to overcorrect the other. I really think the phones. cause so much of this because there is so much to be to learn i mean jordan peterson talks about those ages between three and five and how important if they don't develop social skills

if they don't do it then they don't get it so let me tell you something a couple of things you know by the age of eight children would now spend a year of their lives on a smartphone yeah oh i believe by the age of eight that's one year completely eliminated from their life by just the amount of time they spent on their phone. And I bet that stat was pre-COVID because COVID exacerbated that. Yes. And then the thing about play beyond what you just said is the inability to know how to socialize. Yes.

It has been detrimental. Do you know, another crazy stat is 26% of Gen Z are taking their parents to an interview. I know. I saw. We brought this stat up on the show the other day. Hakeet, I'd be embarrassed by that. I mean, how are you... But by the way, this is the part that's even more embarrassing,

that it's actually been, like, considered okay. Nobody, there's no... There's nobody is, like, actually kind of, like, pushing back on that. I won't hire you. If you come with your parent, you're not getting hired. Yeah, it'll laugh you out of the room. And, by the way, let me tell you something. Forget about even that.

No way you're getting hired, but I don't know about you, because you guys have a very, like, you guys run a tight chip here, but people don't want to hire. people from Gen Z anymore. They're like, if they see that person coming or if it's on their resume, they just won't hire them or from the woke, from people who are woke because it's just too much liability with it. You know what's interesting, Jen, about that.

So the data is really fascinating with that. There seems to be a schism that's happening with Gen Z where, and this is recent, where a lot of these kids are adopting more of these conservative hard work, whatever we want to label them values, because I think that they're like, this isn't working. for me. Yeah. I don't know what the hell is happening. Isn't it split by sex?

Isn't that what the research is showing? Boys in particular, the girls seem to be going the opposite direction. Polar. Yeah, and there's lots of speculation. So you're saying girls are... Are getting more towards the woke,

more towards it, and the boys are going in the opposite direction. Oh, yeah, and the boys are going to... I saw that. And that, yes, I think I saw that. The other thing I wanted to tell you what was very interesting, I can't remember when you were saying and I turned to... Oh, yes. The other thing about play was going to...

What I wanted to mention, which is, I think, really important, just in terms of like interconnectedness is nobody's dating anymore. Nobody is like going out and like dating. No one knows how to act with the opposite sex. So porn is up like a thousand percent. Nobody's talking about that. That is a huge problem.

Huge problem. It's causing so many issues with kids. Have you ever heard of me tell the story of our intern who was working for us when he was 16, 17? No. Okay, so we had an intern. This was like five, six years ago. and he was 16, 17 years old. I can't remember how he was young, right?

He was just at a high school. And we were asking him questions about what's high school like and hanging out. And do they have parties on weekends and this and that? And we're asking, oh, yeah, you know, sometimes they do. Not a lot, you know, but occasionally there's a party. And I'm like, okay, well, then when you go there and you see a girl you like, like, how does that play out? And what he told me, and this is like how all his friends would handle this situation, if there was a girl at a high school party

that you were interested in and it's in the same party as you are, you wouldn't walk over to her and say anything to her. You would pull your phone out, add her as a friend on Facebook, and wait to see if she adds you back. If she adds you back, then you then engage with her on Facebook.

And then if she responds you then, then you would go over and potentially talk to her. That's how you would handle that situation. I thought that was so crazy that you would do that. someone's 10 feet away. You don't find that to be, like, that to me is like, crazy.

Socially abnormal. Beyond crazy. It's also, if you're a young man listening right now, the, like, you can be such an, it's such an easy way. Yeah, you're a stud if you just go over and say hi. Just go say hi. Through the guy who has the balls to go over and just say hi and be willing to fail. Think about it.

The barrier to entry right now today, the person is so, is the bar is so low. If you just go up to them, like right, right away, like, that's all you need to do. But that to me is like, doesn't that tell you something about, where our society, our culture is going. Yeah, what you, what this points to for me, because I can use fitness as an example, is when you have obese, unhealthy kids, you almost always have obese unhealthy parents.

So children who are anxious, depressed, they can't be bored, they're always on devices, they never go out, they don't also have parents who are doing the same thing. Right. And that's, and there's so much. much research that backs that, that kids learned 73 percent. I mean, I have all these crazy stats in my head from doing the TED Talk, right? Because I researched the hell out of this

whole thing. But it was like 73% better by watching versus listening. Because after a while, nobody's listening. Like everything kind of just kind of just blends after a while. You're not paying attention. So kids mimic what they see. So for an example, right, all four of us were a big workout people, right? So most likely our kids are going to like adopt some of those habits, right? So if you want your kid to be active, you as a parent should be active, right? If you want your kid to really understand nutrition, then you need to be eating a certain way, right? Because kids will follow what you do. Not to mention, I think that the fitness element is crucial. Because what fitness does and what's

done for me, and I'm sure it's done for you, is it taught me accountability, it taught me disciplined, it taught me delayed gratification. These are core life skills that are transferable in every walk of life. And if your kid is doing that at a young age, then they're taking those with them. Yeah. Yeah, I think a big problem with this, or challenge, I should say, not problem, is that there's so much value in the real world, but it requires more. work and what we've created are cheap substitutes for the real world. So like you talk about pornography, as a teenage boy, you know, I had drivers to go talk to girls. Very overwhelming, powerful driver. Teenage boy understands this. Now, I couldn't relieve those drivers with pornography

every five seconds with extreme novelty. I didn't have it. When I was 14 years old, you know, you could trade a bike for a dirty magazine. That's how hard they were to get. It was so strictly regulated. Yeah. So I had to muster the courage because these drivers are actually for, in particular for young men, they're drivers for creativity. They're drivers to get you out of fear. Because it's scary. You're 14 years old. You're going to go talk to a girl that you're interested in. And that is scary. She's going to say no. She probably will. You're going to feel like a piece of crap. You got to go talk to her friends around her. Your friends are watching you. What am I going to do? Totally. But to do that, you end up building these incredible

life skills through this challenge. And speaking for young men now, because I think for women it's different, but I also think they develop skills out of this as well. For a young man to be attractive to other girls, that's not nothing. You've got to learn how to kind of grow up. You've got to clean up a little bit. You've got to present yourself, not like a creep. Feedback.

You've got to kind of be funny. So you've got to learn a little bit of skill. You've got to learn how communicate properly. You've got to show some courage. These are all things that girls value. So I got to develop all that. Well, if I was a 14-year-old bull with a cell phone, with a smartphone in my room with more sexual novelty than Kings a thousand years ago didn't even have, like that drive is gone. I have no drive because I'm just in my room stuck.

And there's no girl that could even match that artificial processed, you know, whatever. Can I say one more thing? Can I just interject? Also, because of that phone, you're not learning that failure piece, right? So you're so fearful of rejection. You don't even have, you don't have to worry about rejection. No, right. Right.

There's no such thing as rejection if you're just stuck on a phone watching porn, right? Right, right. So you'd rather do that. And now on AI, with AI, you could have like a fake girlfriend who just talks really nice. You could pick the voice you want. You could pick the voice. You could pick the answers. You could pick how she speaks to you, what she says to you, what dirty talk you like.

Like, it's making it like, it's literally eliminating. any ability for any type of rejection and human contact.