Hello From The Magic Tavern - 10 - Homesick

Episode Date: May 6, 2015

I just want to apologize in advance. I couldn't find a guest for this episode and, frankly, I'm feeling pretty homesick.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesKern: Spencer HamMysterious Woman: ...is a mystery...Producers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is not real, but it is really sponsored by Field Notes brand, USA made memo books and other products, including seasonal limited editions. Visit FieldNotesBrand.com or 400 North Maid. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A magical podcast from the magical land of Foon. Hey, I'm Arnie Camp, I'm your host, if you haven't. If you haven't listened to the podcast before, this is the deal. I'm from Chicago, my home Earth. It's very far away. And...

Oh, my eye interrupt you here. Yeah. I've noticed you're not lack of energy in your introductions, please. It's just been, I don't know. I think it's just all kind of catching up with me a little bit. I fell through a portal in a Burger King,

and I'd be in a Burger King, and I'm trapped in this magical land here, and you guys are great, and I love doing this podcast, but I really miss... I miss my home. I miss my wife. I miss my wife, I miss my child and in that order.

No, not, I know you make fun of me, I know that's your way of saying like we're good buds, but it's just like, I don't know, I'm just not, that's just to have an, I just haven't a tough week. It's having a tough time, so. But, you know, it's a bigger responsibility doing this podcast, letting the people of Earth know that there's another world, you know,

barely grazing against my own and that people have ever needed to know about this podcast. Need to know about FUN. They need to know about the town of Hogg's Face in the million-minute tour, where we do this podcast every week. And I interview crazy magical creatures and try to just distract myself

from being completely gone from my wife. I heard probably maybe not knowing what happened to me, thinking maybe I abandoned her. Your lost or you have no purpose? Yeah. So perhaps it's time to put a sword in your hand and find your purpose again. Honored, I believe you were sent here as a inspiration to all those people of Foon to take up arms against the Dark Lord and help me, Yusador, Wizard of the Twelfth Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow,

Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of T'rakis, the Elves Nomeus Fyingyallak, the Dores Nomeus Zonen, who's dangerous, and I am known in North East as Guess Menus, Waste Star, and there may be other secret nature to not know yet. Wow, you used to do art. This is for some of us. It's seen Arnie not say who bestink when you mentioned that part of your name.

Yeah, just I'm not feeling who bestink. I'm not like, I don't look maybe, maybe I should read an email or something like as I've said before, the firewall, the Burger King where I have the Wi-Fi signal has, it's very difficult for me to have access to, this is another thing that's frustrating, like I don't even, I can't get much access to my world on the internet, but I did get an email that,

Perhaps no one's even listening to this show. Don't see that. Why would you say that? I'm just trying to, I mean, you would think, It's very possible. I think maybe no one is. I mean, we have gotten very few emails at MagicTaver

and at puppies.supplies. My only hope is that it's such a strange email address, which is all I could get that maybe people don't think it's real, but it is. It's 100% real. And let me read. I only got one email this week. And it was actually from our website.

It wasn't even an email. It's from Noah. I haven't read this. It says, I am finding fictional Arnie, I don't even know what that means. I am finding fictional Arnie really unlikable. Yeah. You really? Doesn't seem like the message you want to receive this week.

You are no, and you're so quick to agree with that. I feel like you said it in a supportive way, but it just came out. It was just like a yeah, like I can relate. So Noah writes, I am finding fictional Arnie really unlikable. If I could find that portal, I would go through it just to tell him off in person. I'm actually really interested in how Chunt and the Wizard dude with a long name Ganondorf, I think? Think of Earth. I don't.

What do we think of Earth? We don't know a ton. We know it's ruled by a Burger King in DC. You know what, I'm not. And there's something called pure Michigan. We know that. I heard you mentioned before pure Michigan Just a really good campaign

Hey, you're from Chicago Sarah guys I just I'm gonna You know what's gonna go up to my room. Oh come on in the middle of the show have a drink. Oh, no We'll do the show again just bad No, I don't I don't want any spice potatoes Just cuz Noah hit the nail in the head doesn't mean you have to fight first

Chant your you are the problem. Chancelled with that? You've chancelled. Arnold. Alright, bye guys. Arnie. He's leaving. I don't know what to do.

Maybe he may never get home. We don't know. Who are they still brought up? Bull of Spice Potatoes. Oh, let's see this. So you can see exactly how this goes. They talk on and on about various subjects of the day. I just wait here and then at the end when old drama has more or less drained from the room, I swing in and give everyone the names I make up some Chicago personalities to convince everyone that it's

some sort of dramatic production so that the real truth is not revealed. The real truth is not revealed. I'm just writing all this down. No, that's good, that's good. And your diction is wonderful. Thank you. Thank you. And is ever-improving.

Could you flip that switch right behind you? This one? Yes, yes, the one that's marked ambience. Yes, it does nothing. That's excellent Trisha. That's made you're making real progress. Thank you for noticing. This is an internship.

That's what this is about. It feels like more than that to me. It feels like the opportunity of a lifetime. I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to kiss your ass, but like this is just, I just, I just get here every day and I pinch myself and I just, I'm going on. Anyway, you were saying. Or, all right. You can take it down a notch.

You, you won the contest. You are the intern here. But barely, I barely won. I won on a mortality and that, what happened to that other young woman was an accident. And I, again, I want to reassure you, I'm happy that you're here. We'll never know what kind of an intern Lucy would have been. She's perished, so...

You know. And there's no reason to obsess over that now. I just hear her screams at night. I was wrong to record them, but such a raw emotion, that's what I... I just want to be able to be, you know, ready in case everything fails. Is there a thing that you're preparing for? Well, yes. I mean, in many ways, the end of time and everything that we have become reliant on. I mean, what if we didn't have any of the equipment in this room?

How would we get forward? How would we progress? So to speak as you are doing about the end of time. You've been in the purple room. You've looked at the dials in there. Before I answer, I just want you to know that it wasn't purposeful. Before I answer, I should say that you were expressly forbidden to enter the purple rooms in the paperwork that you signed when you agreed to the internship. Yeah, I didn't read through all of that.

I was really excited and I was really sad about Lucy and I skipped to page 19 and I said, skip to page 19. Yes. Out of all 54 pages. Okay, I feel like I'm already in trouble. Am I in trouble? It depends on what you did in the purple room.

I'll just say that if you adjusted the red dial, then we're in a bit of a no-going back situation. Okay, how are you to find adjusted? Like, I would say turning it, pushing it, certainly pulling it, is going to immediately go at the top of the list. There's a small ridge halfway down the length of the dial. You know this because you've seen it. If you were to fit anything in there, that would absolutely be an adjustment. Turning the dials to the left and right of the red dial would have a small effect gravitational, we know this. Okay, what I didn't hear you say is falling into it. Yeah.

It would be the final thing that would trigger. That's all right. That just means we may be rushing forward towards a type 4 cataclysmic event. But your internship will still be the standard 9 months. W.W.L.D. what would Lucy? Don't I told you not? Oh, you were reading off of the crude bracelet you fashioned for yourself. After Lucy was found dead, you were sitting quietly on your bunk reading, and Lucy was crushed under her footlocker, and you said she crawled under her footlocker and died of old age.

Yes, that was my assessment. I just feel like there's a lack of trust already. Do you know how much I've witnessed in this bunker? Do you have any idea of how much experience, earthly, f fun-wise, 99 other dimensions I could rattle off right now if I wanted to. All of them just playing out before me, and I should mourn for this person of the relationship. Well, yes, she was here to give herself

to this internship, and when she crawled under that footlocker and died of old age, I felt like you just, I mean, it was like nothing had happened. Everything had happened. Okay, see, when you speak that way, like in these cryptic, like bumper sticker style, like ways of saying stuff, that's gonna, I just want to be honest, that's gonna be confusing for me over these next nine months.

Alright, I'm just, I hope we can just co-exist. Alright. we can just co-exist. All right, let's break the ice a small amount. I'll show you something of of neutral enjoyable quality, which is the break room. We can enjoy a beverage and try to forget about the recent murder of your only competition for this internship. Okay. I'm glad. Do you like peanuts? Yes. Well, imagine a situation. Do you like pinots? Yes. Well, imagine a situation where they've become encased in delicious nuggets.

I won't say any more until you can see it for yourself. Hello? Hello? If you can hear this, my name is Kern. For as long as I can remember, I've been over-teen around the press-formed galaxy. Luckily, my mental health is still fine. But I cannot say the same thing for my wife Adina, who I constructed at the spare clothes in a space helmet.

She's... She's been acting really funny lately, I don't know what's going on. If you could send help, that would be great, oh my god, oh my god, her head just fell off. Please send help, please, please send help, that would be great. Oh my god. Oh my god. Our hitches fell off. Please send help. Please. Please send help right away. And when you're done with your small vessel that the beverage has been placed in, you simply put it on top of that machine over there and it'll just suck it in, turn it back into a reusable polymer. And this sign that says we are zero days since our last workplace incident? Exactly.

What? So is that? I simply reset it every morning to remind myself to seize the day. Yeah, I just... Do you know how Lise came to be here? When I started shopping for interns, I said I want either someone highly qualified ruthless, intelligent, ambitious or someone with a perfect smile. Here you are. I'm gonna pause you like when you use the word shopping. You want to pause me? Do you have that power?

Yeah, like the word shopping. It's like a little um, demeaning. You know like when you I just like, if you could just pause and then look at things from my perspective, it- I paused. I considered her perspective and I think all my choices are correct. Do we now hit pause again so that we may continue onward? I-I guess, um, again getting back to the contract. Did Lucy sign everything? She didn't have a chance to. That was the final step of gaining this internship was signing the contract, Trisha. So she didn't have a chance to offer her

perfect smile to the world. Okay, so she was the one with the perfect smile. One last time. Because I didn't know if you were going to reveal like, was either ruthless, well qualified one, or was either one with the perfect smile Love this little chess game that we're playing. I think we both know who possessed the perfect smile Could you please stop edging towards the purple room? Was I I didn't even seem to just be a so imperceptibly shuffling towards the purple room. I have a nervous shuffle and sometimes I have a small capsule that can help with that. That's okay. That's okay.

I'm not a fan of taking. All right. I can leave it by your sleeping platform if you should ever desire to take it. It will give you terrifying dreams though. Okay. That's what I was going to ask. What are the side effects? Just unfettered truth. You'll dream of unfettered truth.

Which is terrifying. So I'm going to have- And you're terrifying. What is the truth of your past? I would hate for you to fall asleep and have to relive Lucy's murder every night as you lay there on your sleeping platform, Trisha. Is there something you want to accuse me of? You murdered Lucy.

Lucy had a perfect smile and you murdered her. I'm living with a murderer in this space bunker. So I guess we're all learning to live with our choices today. I feel as if... and I told myself I was not gonna cry at the first day. Oh, human tears. Where's my camera?

It's interesting that you should mention the camera, because I feel that if we could take a snapshot of this moment, we would see a woman who was encouraged, nay, convinced to eliminate her competition. And I don't necessarily think that the definition of that is murder. So you don't think of it as murder. You think of it as doing whatever you need

to be done to secure this internship. Yes, I think of it as executing my job. And executing Lucy. Admit your compliance with this terrible act. And then what? Do I get more peanuts with Nougat? Yes. All the peanuts with Nougat you can imagine, imagine an ocean of Nougat, interspersed with peanuts, and one happy enter and swimming amongst them.

Is my smile okay in the scenario? It's fine. It's fine. Some people look a little tired when they smile. It's what makes Trish Trish. Wait, hey, wait. What is that red light that's flashing over your shoulder? What does that mean? That, uh, that comes on when they're finished.

That shouldn't be flashing for a while. It's been flashing. Wait, it's flashing. It's flashing now. How long has that been flashing? Like, did it just start flashing? No, like... Sweet bags of almonds, they've finished early. That doesn't make any sense.

They usually have so much more rambling. Uh, uh... You've been listening to the magic tavern about... Oh, that thing that's not really happening where that man is in that place and he's talking to lots of people except they're actually just actors, so no need to get into it. We'll see you next time. Say hello to the Chicago pod. Hand me that. Hand me that index card.

Which one? The other one. And that one's a recipe. Thank you. This, thank you. Looking to the Chicago Podcast Co-operative or www.ChicagoPodcastCo-Up.com. I will see you soon and have a good night. Take Heart. Don't be fooled.

All of this is real. The mysterious man is really the mysterious man and isn't just some actor named Tim Sniffin with a very funny Tumblr at MrSniffin.Tumblr.com. And Trisha the intern is not shouting for it as Kate James. She's really Trisha and she's dangerous in her own way. All of these truths were sponsored by Field Notes brand as part of the Chicago podcast co-op. Beware, stay watchful! There are more worlds than needs. Stop! Stop!