Hello From The Magic Tavern - 100 - Usidore's Quest

Episode Date: February 20, 2017

Let's talk to Usidore's fellowship of heroes before we set off on our journey to defeat the Dark Lord.Arnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungPimbly Nimblebottom: Louie SaundersGerm Crust: Mary TildenEvil Tannakin the Pinglet: Sarah FineoutSquibbert: Sarah ShockeyBaron Ragoon: Chris RathjenBlemish: Martin WilsonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett Schultz"Roaring Orcs" by Eric from Dayton, OhioYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. The following 100th episode of this podcast is still not real. 100 episodes just think of it, and I'm still being paid mostly in goodwill.

Now, enjoy the show whose founding concept probably ran out of steam somewhere around Episode 9. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon! I'm your host Arne and you camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, oh, oh what an episode to start with. It's our 100th episode. Here's everything you need to know about the last 99 episodes. About a year and 11 months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical, fantastical land of fune.

Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal. From the Burger King, through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast, I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of fune. That is all you really need to know. I'm joined as always, bumma-buddy. My boon companion, Yusidor. I am Yusidor, wizard of the twelf Realm of Ephesius Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of Matilda Lights, devour of Chaos! Champion of the Great Halls of Tarracus, the elves who is being eloquent.

The dwarves know me as Zoonine and Huk Stenges, and I am known in the North East as Gastwenius Mastar, and today we embark on the greatest quest of this or any other age as finally. We bring together a fellowship, determined to tear down the evil deans of that dark lord, and send him back to the pit from which he sprang! Eucinor, we're finally doing it! This is the last episode we're going to record in the tavern! Oh, yeah, oh, this is the last episode we're going to record ever! No, I've-'ve I've been working It's done. We're on the quest now no more recording. What a waste of time. No, no, I have figured out a way

I've I've attached these ropes to these microphones. I think I figured out a way we keep doing the podcast on the road like when we got Lunar sort like when we got that lunar I got to your lunar sword, but the thing is it's such a waste of time and energy Is just mental capacity. Sorry. I'm like oh hey, this is you said or and this is Sean and we're Gid nuts. Oh, aren't you here? Hey? Oh wait. No you wait. I'm a hello from the magic tavern This isn't getting nuts today. I thought this was our one thousandth episode of getting nuts. Oh, hey one thousandth episode of getting nuts We're bringing this stuff on the road so we can get it. Oh, we've done a thousand episodes of getting nuts

So you have something to say to me We can gradually Lations, thank you so much. We can crank out 20 25 episodes a day. Oh yeah, easily. Wow, it's not hard. It's just, this is shunt. This is Yusudor, and we're getting nuts.

But yeah, I found a peanut today. I found a sunflower. Yum. Done episode complete. Was that $1,000? That was $1,000. Holy crap, that was $1,000. That was $1,000, $1,000?

Woo! Wow, that's amazing. Hey, for listeners who have not subscribed to How to Listen to Offices and Bosses, that's just the kind of stuff that your money will get you. The ore you don't have to hire for plus? We don't have time for plugs. That's right, we're leaving to defeat the Dark Lord. Yeah, to kill the Dark Lord, this is so exciting, I'm so pumped.

So you said, or you over the last 100 episodes, you have gathered so many people to your quest, so many people who have agreed to embark off with us to fight the Dark Lord. That is correct. Wait, I guess we do have time for plugs. Hahaha. Yeah.

Did you have a follow-up question? Who is the fur, you know the fur, you know what, we have the first person who agreed to join your quest. Well, of course everyone's gathered here today. Pimli, come over to the table. Hello, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, how are you? I'm here to lend my aides.

Oh. It's what? What's this? Yeah. Here, give me a little squeeze. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Ooh, money, money, money, money. Yeah, I'm pumped up.

Thank you. For people who made it, didn't list, weren't listening at the very beginning of Hello from the Magetabron. Pimla and Emblebottom is a tiny adorable imp, who poops coins? Coins and hearts, gems. Yes, anything to help you on your quest?

All the aides. Yes, all the aides we may need on this quest You know sometimes you give very lucky and you squeeze an imp and a gold coin comes out It says 100 on it. Oh It's worth a hundred regular gold coin. Oh, yeah, treat if we did that it was on the hundredth episode that we got a hundred coin Yeah, let's try here. We go hold it down Don't I'm down keep squeezing. Oh, it's just shit. Oh wait hold on bimbo you are you sick? The you only poop coins and gems I've been I've been a little sick recently. I'm started to

poop real poop. I am so sorry, which is kind of a death sentence for oh Which is kind of a death sentence for yeah, oh no When you go down that road your Pimpley, I'm glad I keep doing this on the road. Yeah, it's got to be scary to suddenly be like oh no Not only am I dying but all of this money is going away. Yes. I thought the only way an imp could die is you know Imps everyone's while we'll poop a heart I thought eventually an imp poops their own heart and that's when you go. Yes, that's the last step You poop a lot of poop and then oh and then the last thing that comes out is your heart. Oh

Well, thank you for letting your yeah your talents towards defeating the Lark Dirkler I think this is gonna be a good. I'm excited. I'm so excited to have one last thing to do I want to see you just like lose it like I, I bet he's just like amazing in battle. Like he crawls in someone's ear and comes out the other side, covered in brain or something like I bet he's just amazing. I tend to just put coins in people's mouths but my butt hole around there, they're tiny little lips.

Yeah, maybe just give him pink eye or something. That would be sufficient. Oh, oh yes. If all are enemy said pink eye or something. That would be sufficient. Oh, oh yes. If all our enemies had pink eye That's annoying and so on. So guys if if Pimpley can't poop money anymore That was literally like the only useful thing that he was gonna do on this quest Yes, but he's agreed to go now. Is that a phrase you thought you'd say on the hundredth episode? What's that? Is that a phrase you thought you'd say on the hundredth episode? I did not I did not

Well, it's a hundred baby. Here we go. Well luckily, Pimbley, we're very happy to have you along I'm sure you will prove yourself in some way to be useful. I hope so before I die If nothing else, you were really lowering the bar as the like what is useful for this quest And I'm feeling good about myself But we also have other people that join the quest. Oh, of course certainly Like Like I'm very excited. Is there a follow-up question when you asked me that? I didn't know if you wanted to introduce your fellowship. Oh, oh, I see what you're doing.

You're setting me up. Yes. Oh, okay, do it again. So, and also, you, Sador, there are other people who have joined your quest to defeat the Dark Lords. Absolutely. Such as? Oh, uh, well, well, there's good crust. GUM!

Hello. Oh, I'm so excited Yusador to be joining you. Oh, um, I just wanted to tell you, Pimli, that I did just adopt an imp myself. I got a caretaker for him, because I didn't know he'd have a companion on the quest, whereas I would have brought him, but I know how to stuff up your fluff. That is, keep yourself. Sounds like you from his own. I know it sounds funny, but it really, really helps. If you keep all that stuff, that natural shedding

from your organs inside just a little bit longer, it will eventually turn into gold. Do you see how polite she is? You could learn a lesson from her. She's very cute. She's very, very, very nice. Coming from you, you said, oh, I don't know. So you're saying that the problem, that Pimpley's problem is that his poop is coming out too early

before it can turn into something valuable. As a matter of fact, I am. Is that a question you thought you'd ask on episode 100? It was not. It was not. And yet here we are. Well, this is the beginning of a quest. Who knows what could happen.

Yeah. How do we constipate an imp? I have created something. It's my own line of fluff stuffers. Fluff stuffers? Yes, I'm. Sounds like a cookie. Oh, yummy, yummy.

I wouldn't eat these if I were you. But they are made of twigs and branches and they're disguised just to look like a little imps butthole. Oh. I could eat that. Oh, and that's what he's love. You could love the most is other imp buttholes. Oh, so you're saying, oh, I'd love nothing more than to stick another butthole up my butthole. Oh, yes. But I will say that I will be very invested in helping you with this because my little imp has been helping me create new makeup products

with his diamonds and gold. He actually produces diamonds not to be belittling. Oh wow, diamonds. Wow, do you have to be like a more special imp to poop diamonds? Some imps poop diamonds. That's what we say. I don't, it doesn't seem that the imps mind either way. Oh, I see. Would you be able to, since we're going in battle, would you be able to give me some makeup on my face that was red, almost look like a blindfold around my tough in my head,

but with the eyes cut out? Well, that brings me to my other point. Where I could look like cool but rude. Well, of course I could find something like that, but I did want to say, if everyone is going to have pink eye, I think all of us should have pink eye to be uniform. Oh. Don't you think?

Oh. It's really actually come into fashion in the high fashion society. Oh, is that so cool? Oh, yeah. That's right. And for new listeners, Gurm, what Gurm brings to the quest is the cheese a self-starter makeup artist.

I am. I also have brought my ghosts. Oh, that's right. The ghost. Yes, kind of. An army of the undead on our side. I'm very excited. Are the ghosts good fighters? Look at them behind me. Oh. Look, look. Oh. Look, they even know how to dance. Oh, but it's sad. Mostly they're not very dangerous. They're just a good distraction. Oh, oh, I see. So if if we attack That was fun. Well anyway They're here. So if we need them we can talk to them or I'll talk to them if you're nervous

You said oh don't be nervous. Oh, I'm very excited And I'm happy to teach anyone who wants to learn to use a blade to carry the sword at their side and help us strike down every orc that we come across. I, for their shall be, orcs and goblins and demons and hob goblins and tears you can't even imagine. Yousseler, you keep going on about how evil orcs are. I've never seen a single orc. What? I've never seen a single orc.

We're in Hogs face. It's peaceful here. I see. You never leave this...tavit? You said it was very worldly. No, I've been everywhere. You said all. After the quest, you should write a book. I should write a book.

I mean, that's maybe not a bad idea. I feel like if you got some of these thoughts out at writing, you wouldn't just be constantly talking about them. Well, I'd needn't write a book. For I already have a website that you can go and look at it'd writing. You wouldn't just be constantly talking about them. Well, I'd needn't write a book. For I already have a website that you can go and look at it anytime. You don't have time to watch. Look, we don't have time to watch.

Thank you, Sponsored by Scraspacess. Thank you. Listen, if anybody wants to know how to use a war hammer, I'll also teach you. So you just bring up in the air and then you, oh, oh wow. Just right on the table like that. Did I hear someone talking about weapons and death?

Tannicking! Tannicking the piglet! Tannicking! I thought I saw some dancing and then I heard someone talking about a war hammer. Hi, it's me, Tannicking. I got so excited I had to fly on over. I'm always excited to see this adorable little flying pig.

She's a piglet. Oh, I'm sorry, but she looks like a pig. And then she still have all those tattoos. Yep, oh yeah, and I'm sorry, but you she looks like a pig. Oh, you still have all those tattoos. Yep. Oh, yeah, and I'm a sweet as ever not evil at all. Not evil at all. I hate death and murder except when necessary. Oh, well it is not a seri-inglet. So I've worn the Tanikin. You must join us now for we are about to set off on the greatest quest. And you could help us and I'm afraid in the course of this quest, you may have to take a life. Oh, oh dear.

Well, put me on the front lines. I have a little bit of experience, but only in the, to protect others. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I your fingers, everyone! Oh, oh! Oh! Hmm, you sit off, and I don't want to miss her to you. Oh, no, nothing can hurt me.

Watch this. Here, give me that knife. Here you go. Ah! Ah! You stop! Why are you stopping yourself? To prove that it doesn't matter. Oh, no!

You sito, I think you're starting this quite stuff a little bit too hot. Bad, it's bad. It's giving stuff a little bit too hot. Bad. It's giving it a rock. Oh, healing rock. Do you need me to finish the job? No, I'm all good now. Oh, that was fast. Yes, good one.

That knife reminds me of my dead butterfly son. Oh yeah, you had a son. Oh well, we're not even doing that. We're going off this quest now. We must put these things behind us. There are course things here that we all care about. There we must leave behind. Pimbley, surely there's someone you care about

that you're leaving behind. Oh, yes, my whole family. But they know I'm dying, so they... So they're like, please go. Yeah. They just don't want to watch it happen. Is that normal in imp culture? Yeah, how do...

How do the imps treat the dying? Yeah, death is just another stage of life, except we don't believe in afterlife, so we just believe everything stops existing. And then you're just meat after that. And that's why our families eat us. Have a very nice, oh. I can see more of our whole bodies.

But they leave our buttholes to put on a little tombstone out in the woods. That's very kind. Pimbley, what is your family going to do with your mail? Oh, I don't know. I haven't set up any forward. Oh, no! I haven't made it.

I didn't think about that. Because everyone set up 40 for their mail. Should have all followed on it. Yes, me. I have, yes, of course. You said you put it on your mail. I don't know where to get afforded to. Youed to you just reporting for your mail All the

Well, we wait where you guys forwarding the mail like I just like where are we even going like how? What direction are we heading in we should set it on a path northwest to the closest in care of the dark Lord Well, I always Shored it back to the uncharted territory. Okay. That's why I'm originally from if no one retrieves it within 24 hours it turns to crumbs So yeah, so that's gotta be fast. You have to retrieve it quickly and Truly if you don't want your package after 24 hours Then maybe it wasn't that important to begin with. That's true, I'm going to want my package.

I will speak a prayer to the birds. Birds hear me now, this is Yusudor. Assa has brought me into this world to commit this great deed of defeating the Dark Lord. Birds, I ask this boon of the bring all the mail for me shunt Arnold Pimbley Germ and Tanikin which where ever we may be camping in our great quest hear me birds hear me now and join us I'm thinking of some slogans for our quest like some sort of something we can stitch on our banners or something I have. Uh, I have, uh, simply the quest. Mm-hmm. I feel like it's a good one.

Uh-huh. Um, you're the quest around. Mm-hmm. I don't know if that makes sense. Yeah. Or we can just talk about how enthusiastic we are. We can just have a big band that says quest love. Getting quest to a age.

We could have one that says, Any questions? Oh, yeah. I don't care for puns. Oh, I'd prefer a quest hate. Quest hate. I have one that says, Any questions? Oh yeah! I don't care for puns. I'd prefer a quest hate. Quest hate? Oh okay, hardly that. Yeah, I mean I guess it will be hard.

So I'm sure there'll be times when we're... I can't think of anything that rhymes with quest. What is wrong with me? Oh no, Pimbley! Pimbley! Pimbley, you're starting to go! I'm starting to go. No, Pimbley, you have to at least make it for the first week of the journey! Oh, now you have some of that.

Excuse me, Quest. Pimbley, come here. Maybe just say Quest World? Quest World. You need me to- I don't do this right now. I'm trying to give you one, I'm trying to- I think I should-

Ah, I am returned from the Wizard State. And we should all get hats that say FQI, Federal Quest Investigator. Can I please, what do you mind if I put a little of my own flair on them? Well, please, of course. Okay. Can we just pause one moment, because I think I need to mercy kill Pimli. He's not doing well, and I seriously think this is a little bit of extra baggage for the rest. You are salivating as a man.

I am. You are ready to kill something. I'm doing this for even getting to use my interest of our quest. Before you kill Pimbley, can Girm at least shove something up his butt? She seems to really want to do that. I brought at least seven extra fluff stuffos and you know, they aren't just for imps. I did you know program them mostly for imps but if a human or a child would like to use a fluff stuff. I'm a shapeshifter.

John's my name. I'm being specific towards you. Oh thank you. At least you didn't call me a badger. Thank you. Of course. And, you, Siddore. Yeah, give one to me right now. For you. Here you go. Thank you. Aw. My butt hole's too small.

Sounds like a personal problem. I made more than one at once. I think we've got our next t-shirt. Pimbley? Yes. I'm invested in this. Okay. Now. Also, I think I figured out what Pimbley? Yes. I'm invested in this. Okay. Also I think I figured out what Pimbley's purpose on this quest is. Every quest needs a member of their fellowship to dramatically

die along the way. But that's you. Wait, what's that? You're gonna be the person who dies. Whether it be the dark lord killing you or some orc or us killing you to first sacrifice. I mean, from a narrative point of view, it just makes sense. It was just like walking along the path with my hands in my pockets and I trip over a rock and I like fall and I can't balance myself and like my head hits a rock. I don't know. I feel like me being Mercy Killed is probably the best route, you know, perhaps. Tannikin, is there guys worth it?

We're not good. There are so fucked. Tannikin, are there any other mostly kills You think we should make before we set off on the quest well aren't you for sure because he just said he will probably die in the quest anyway That makes sense and I feel like maybe chant Yusador and Kerm you have about a week of good way I wrote die Yusador protect me that's true. I am not indestructible, so I'll be okay. You know what, let's make a quick break. Let's refresh our drinks, and let's decide

who needs to be mercy killed before we leave on the quest. And when we come back, we'll gather up our supplies, and we'll start off on this new phase of Hello for the Magic Tavern. Yes, I have tasks for us all. Let us begin our quest. I'm still hung up on the mail-forting thing. Let us begin our quest. I'm still hung up on the mail-forting thing.

You know what? I have to confess. I was kind of resistant to this quest for a long time, but I'm starting to get excited. We're gonna get out of Hogsface and and really do something. Yes, this quest will have repercussions for centuries. Either very... ...course of the history of Hogsface is being written as we speak. I, for we are about to set sail upon the very ocean of history, and the path that we carve in that water, shall for air touch every man, woman and child, born into food. You can't carve water. No, I bet it's a metaphor I suppose.

I'm excited as well and I've been putting on my affairs in order. Yeah. So what I've decided is, um, I don't know if I told you this. Gorgeous showed up the other day at the tavern. On what? On a little horse, straight to a little horse. Gorgeous the screaming potato? No, Gorgeous the yawning apple. You dumb fuck. Yes, Gorgeous the screaming potato. gorgeous the yawning apple you dumb fuck yes

Gorgeous the screaming potato you know both of them. Yeah, you know gorgeous the yawning apple. Yeah, oh yeah gorgeous the yawning apple here. Let me put her on the table and Oh my god gorgeous. Well, there's a ton of them. There's a tree that grows yawning apples. They're all gorgeous Oh, okay. Yeah, it's nothing precious. I know. I do the same thing every time. Yeah, anytime. I think if you don't yon when an apple yons, you're a sociopath. Nope, oh well. But, I gorgeous a potato showed up and holy crap that she have an amazing adventure. I think she like killed a dragon. She like got married. It's really intense, but I won't get into it because that's boring. But I'm having Talbot stay behind and watch

gorgeous the potato and the farting peach. So wow, yeah, he's, I drafted up some papers where he's gonna kind of adopt them both and look after them. And I think that'll be a good thing. Also, I don't know if it's okay if we have time for it. Talbot wanted to give kind of a, he wrote like a rousing battle speech for us. Yeah, I love it here. He wants to just kind of a he wrote like a rousing battle speech for us. Yeah He wants to just kind of pump us up. Yes, that's very nice. Hey buddy. Hey Talbot. No, you are No, you are no, you are Okay, I am tell it up here buddy Talbot Chances tells us you have an inspirational speech you'd like to hear. Ta-da! Ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da I'm really upset. What? That was a sh- I'm crying. That was beautiful, buddy. Thank you.

Well done, Talbot. We thank Thief for the, I... willingness to stay behind and take care of things while we're gone. Did anyone else make any preparations for leaving the tavern and leaving Hogs face? We still need to figure out who's gonna run the tavern while we're gone. Oh, that's very true. Talbot grid? Is this a lot to ask?

I know you're already gonna be taking care of a potato and a peach. Tabet, do you wanna run the Vermilion Minotaur while we're gone? Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Can we just make that a rule? He said he'd do it. That's great. That's so great. Yeah, if you want to trust a little whiny baby badger. Oh, I was tanning into it. Do you want to do it? I'm coming with you on the quest. Oh, but no, but the way you said that, I thought maybe you wanted to stay behind and watch the tavern. Oh, well, you know, if they gunflattered, you would ask.

And I think I would do a fantastic bang up job. Of course you would. But I really feel like I'd be better off if I were on the quest with you guys to you know defeat the dark lord and You know mercy kill anyone along the way who maybe needs it help maybe watch the weapons Why don't you do air quotes when you said defeat the dark lord? What did I she was just being cute with her little My who I can't see it was adorable. I don't even know how you made your hos do that. Whoa, what was that? What was that? Did you see that?

What's that? She just dumped a bottle with a skull and crossbones into my drink. What is that? What? Did I? Oh, that is vitamins. Ooh, yum yum yum yum yum. Vitamin.

But you should have a pouch of vitamins before we take off on the quest. Oh, how? Is every killing a mercy killing for you? Hmm. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I've been unfortunate enough to have to do many mercy killings in my life. And yeah, they're all sad and tragic and all for the greater good. That's very merciful of you.

Yeah. Come on over here. Whoa! This butterfly knife up your bed, oh. Are you? You're good. That's very merciful of you. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Come on over here. Good to see you. This butterfly, I have up your battle. Oh, are you? You have to stick it up there. I have got to twist it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, God, I'd like to see you try. Yeah. Oh, I'm going to do it. You used it all the same website? This is the most upset I've ever been. Well, this is even worse than last night when I had to leave my good lady-love, didn't leave you behind.

Oh, you said or. Oh, yeah, we did meet on the astroplane, and I'd tell her that today I would be leaving on the quest at long last. I, and she decided that she shall not join us on this quest for her destiny lies along a different path, but I joined with her in the most physical and Just dirty ways that you say is very sexy. It was sexy hot stuff Hot well, I'd love to have her on the quest But you got admit that she's a lot more high profile and famous than any of us

And you can't expect for her to be around that all that seems reasonable to me But you know what I feel like we're supposed to have more people on this quest like I feel like we're always forgetting Who's a sheriff gonna join us? Yes, but totally if we defeated all of the crime and food and I haven't quite finished that job yet I was taking on his uh, this is my vigilante voice Not my favorite but it's probably because you're a criminal only criminals hate and fear me I made a new I made a new game for the Journey for the for the road to the battle uh-huh is it too late to not go what's the game well I'm sorry it was met with an uh-huh from Arnie the game you know I I created the game, uh, counter doctor, which is very popular soon. Um, so along the same lines, I developed a card game where you receive a

card, and it's either on the card, it's pictured either a dad or a mage, and you have to discern, uh, which of the two it is. I call it mage or dad. Major dad. Here we'll play real quick. So here's one of the cards. Okay. She's a card. Here's a card. And they get towards a card. And these were made, these cards were made by my, my, uh, good buddies, uh, here's a card. Here's a card. And these were made. These cards were made by my good buddies, Orson and Scott. Mmm, I thought that was, is pretty racist. Oh, yeah. I'm not a big fan of those guys. Those guys are pretty racist. Here we go. I go ahead and take a look at your card. This reminds me, Metamor loves games. Oh, that's four. Where's Metamor? He's going in the quest. We always forget

that Metamor said he would join the quest. He really needs some adventure in his life. Uh, well, we'll have to do without him. Huh. Maybe he can run the tavern if- But if people want more Metamorphic, they can always subscribe to Hal FM by going to- There's no time for blocks. You're supposed to run, you're supposed to run, a mage but he's really doughy around the middle so I think it's a dad It's actually a mage with a dead bod. Oh dad bod. What do you got? Well he has a beard and he's mowing the lawn But he's wearing a pointy hat. Mm-hmm. That's a dad with a mage bod. Oh, it is. Oh, okay.

He has. Hmm. That's a dad with a magebot. Oh, it is? Oh, okay. Tannigan? Oh, dad for sure. Check it out. This guy has a fanny pack.

Definitely a dad. Oh, yeah. And Gurm, you can't play. Oh, she went to get a drink anyway. Oh, okay. Well, I'm just excited to actually get out there and be a little proactive and do something. Well, yes, but try to make a good point. There'll be a lot of downtime during travel or around the campfire and we'll have to find ways to entertain each other with games and songs and that's one thing.

Stories. So where? Whoa, hey! Sorry, I popped in here. I just was getting so- I was just starting to feel like I was part of the gang when really I'm just supposed to be listening. I'm just supposed to be gathering information. That's what they say. If you don't know whether you want to be with somebody or not, just gather information. Now squib it. Squibber the frog. You're not supposed to be here.

Well, I can be wherever it now. You said before that I may be, oh bad, working for the Dark Lord, but really, I'm not that much of a bus kill. Does everybody want me to go? I do really like you. You are delightful, but you keep me much. You keep me much. Are definitely in the employ of the Dark Lord. Well, but haven't you ever had a boss that you were like, oh, this guy sucks, but I'm just trying to support my dreams.

Yes, sure. Hey, guys, everybody quiet. You see how squibberts on that piece of wood that's on like a folkroom or on a sea-saw? Yeah. I'm gonna try and take my war hammer and smack this into the hammer and send squibberts flying into that black cauldron over there. Ha ha. Oh, wow. I worked better than I thought it would. I should probably be back.

Well, it sounds like there she is. She's back. Well, that was fast. What the hell was that? I mean, that was fun for a second, but then I get in that cauldron. Now, I'm covered in shit and I need somebody to lick me off. Now, you and me are merely an enemy. No, we're all looking for. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Now you

Think you're right Arnie. I think everybody just wants to go home and get licked out of us somebody pretty much Pretty much well chance out of commission for a while now I I was very surprised at how quickly squib it got back from over being in the cauldron Oh, you were surprised by a little bit of magic You with your big old beard and everything. You waving around magical, everything. You were surprised that there was magic inside this tavern. I assumed you were moving by regular frog locomotion! Which is why I was not concerned

that you might gather information and take it to the Dark Lord. But now I am concerned for about to set off on the quest. And if you can move magically, then we're what's chance do we have. Look, I know this quibbert is a spy for the Dark Lord. We all dipped our feet in the magical pond and we go so fast now. It's crazy. The other day I smelled popcorn I got there and the colonel hadn't even popped yet. I was like, oh dang, I'm going so much faster than I used to.

Well, I've done that before. That's one of the downsides of having magical powers is the precognition of food. Oh really? Oh, yes, definitely magical powers sometimes like oh be fueling to this. That's most wonderful So once we're making this and then you walk over to where it is. It's just a cow. Oh, it's still living cow I'm not selling magical magical powers as much as sounds like you're just like Confused That is also possible

Well regardless. I even if you can move fast within this room. That's like everybody looks so good. Like I haven't seen you all the while, but I really like that. So you, especially. Oh, I've lost a lot of weight. I know.

Oh, I'm probably too. You're in that looking better, dying phase, right? Like right about the teeter into looking worse. I think those little polish hoops looks like you. Oh, thanks so much. Yeah, cool. I appreciate that. Squibbert, have you met Tannikin before? She didn't used to have all those tattoos.

It's one of those like I've seen you and do we introduce ourselves kind of a thing. Hello, yep. Officially I'm Squibbert. Mm-hmm, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you officially. If that makes everybody happy. Oh no, yeah, it does.

You know, Squibbert, I wish you could be more like Tannikin, adorable, but not evil. Mm-hmm. Oh yeah yeah I'm not evil at all. Not evil at all. Okay. She makes that noise when she flies. Okay. I'll just gather in information. That's all I'm doing. I keep an eye on squibberts just to make everybody feel more at ease. I'll make sure she's not doing anything to evil. And I'll just take the reins from here and make sure, you know, whatever she's gathering doesn't get used for evil purposes. That's, it's a great idea.

I'm having a girl's day out, so I can't be held accountable for anything. I'm doing, I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm flying so low for a minion here. Yes, I did. It's true, usually you're with a Baron, but not tonight. No, tonight I'm like unbearing. I'm on the town. In fact, I see we give Tannikin and Scribid a moment alone, and I shall buy a round of drinks for the rest of the fellowship. I come to the bar and use the knowledge I'll set you up with a drink.

Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Give me the ear, Chuck. Praise the Dark Lord. And there's some water moss supposed to just pretend the long that you're just like, because I see you, I see you get crazy at some of those Dark Lord parties, and I, as soon as I saw you, I was like,

where are you doing with these lame asses? I know how to bust a move, it's true. Tell you what. You know how to bust several moves. I was watching you, I was like, should I go over there? I honestly like, that was a nut. I almost did introduce myself

to you to be like, just put me on your shoulder and let me dance. I know I'm very intimidating, but seriously, come up to me anytime. I'm happy to merge. A lot of alcohol with you. I'm so nice. And anytime you want to lick, I mean,

you know you're on D-D right now, but like, if you want to lick, if you just want to let loose, like, look at that banjo over there. What? Oh, praise him, praise that dark lord. I tell you what, sometimes. Blue for you too. Blue for you too.

Huh, huh. Hmm. Well, they don't know that. I'll keep it cool, because again, the whole thing is, everybody's always trying to blame me for everything. I'm just gathering information. It's like when he puts me on that pad, I will play back everything that I've seen and heard

and he will sit and he will listen to talk to me for like Three four days, but right now it's like it's almost like I'm on vacation You have to think about it. It's nice Well my whole goal here is to kill everybody and support the dark lords rise to power to each their own I guess good luck with that. I mean that's everybody's like hey I hope everybody gets every goal that they want Mm-hmm, that's how I do Feet at the dragon of the metsym thing cave Wonderful that quest, but not dearliest one for so one we're about to embark upon I'm sorry

You're the guys from getting nuts. Yes. Oh my god. That is my favorite podcast That we can do it right now Oh my god, that is my favorite podcast. This is a shunt. That is a shunt. I can't do it right now. No, no, no, and I wouldn't want to make you do that. I'm not the type that's like, oh, you do, you know, this, perform for me. But I just want to, you know, like as a fan, such a good podcast really makes my work days get my best. Thank you so much.

When I should be gathering information and I'm just listening to podcasts. We actually have just recorded a thousandth episode. Congratulations. Come out. I'm 300 behind So sorry, I'm so sorry, I just lost Who? What a ride, uh, you're a fan of getting nuts? Oh big fan

Oh my gosh Yeah, I never like comment or anything but I'm a fan Do you know, we have some t-shirts, do you wanna buy a t-shirt? Oh, I don't have any money Okay But listen, when the Baron gets here, he will buy several Oh wow, that means he- I guarantee you that

Yeah Do you mean it doesn't spend it on anything? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait guarantee you that. Yeah. I just haven't spent it on anything. Just sign something for me. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I have a very important question. I just realized. Do you think you can jump in to get nuts, like, in a later episode, or do you think you have

to really go back to, like, episode one of Get Nuts? Oh, you've got to go to episode one. See, now, I think you can jump in anytime. But I think it's also, like, who's listening and what's their state of mind, you know? Some real Lucy Goosey about that So I've all listened to anybody's conversation and just kind of figured out as I go sure I look completionist You watch all your fans. Oh, oh my gosh. How humbling to meet another fan. That's amazing. Yeah, that's very nice. Thank you You think that you only said anything after I said something though. Mm-hmm. It's interesting that you only brought it up after I said

Well, I try not to act like a fan okay And sweater quest. Oh, he came up with that. Oh, sweater quest. He thought I was going to be the one who wrote the rise of the quest. Oh, that was a sick burn, a sick man. You guys, that is it. It's going to be called sweater quest. Sweater quest.

Well, excuse me, fellas, I have to go shit. Oh, Pimbley. Oh. Well, how uncouth. Well, I go shit. Oh, Pimbley. Oh, well, how uncouth? Well, I'm I'm just gonna chew on these roosters feet for a while. So scuba, I guess that answer your question You could start at the beginning. There's there's very much an arc to get nuts I feel like we're very active. I we go to a lot of nut conventions like we try to be very approachable If you want a painting of us afterwards We're happy to post for a painting. Oh, yeah, I mean, it's just I feel like it is the kind of thing that is a water audience

Then maybe you're expecting you know like there are people who drop in enjoy it Maybe you're gone for a couple years then come back and they still like it, you know, yeah, are you guys talking getting nuts? The man I have signed you up to by 3, 4 t-shirts from these gentlemen. Could you get that satchel of gold out of your belt loop? Yeah, okay. Well, you won, yes, but two, like, please stop. This is the last time. I swear.

All right. Well, you never wear that hat. Well, because when I put it on, it was different than when I tried it on. Baron, we did not expect to see you here today. I thought you were in trink. And you're a fan of getting nuts? Yes, oh my god, I mean, I'm so honored, that's so amazing. I mean, I'm a fan, he would not have figured it out,

he would not have discovered it. That is, I'm not, I don't know, a regular listener, but I did say, oh, I know those guys and Squiver did not believe me. Oh, how are people hearing this podcast? I don't think you guys even know how to turn a laptop on. Well, I can only hear it when I lick squibbered. Oh I sort of pick up the vibes from certain areas of the swamp when I put my feet in and then I can carry around three four episodes at a time

Yeah, I think I'm starting to understand the get nuts listenership. Hmm. I love to get nuts But I don't know what a podcast is. I see that you're all sitting around the table as per usual. Yeah, oh all right Fine for new listeners who have just joined us on episode 100, about 40 minutes in. Yes. Are you going to start doing this now? Well, look, are you going to introduce the show twice now? Catch people up twice?

Look, I'm just saying about a year. Because I am on tour. I'm on tour. Look, the Baron is, you know, your... Baron? Should I introduce myself? Yeah, how would you describe exactly the ways in which you're evil? Well, I am Baron Shanglebirth Regune,

33rd steward of Shrike Valley, humble servant of the Dark Lord, and real go getter, I would say. I call him Dooney. Don't, he, that's a, that's a friend thing. That's like a fun friend thing when we're walking around. I have a little song I'm like, Dooney's, Loonies and Tunes. That's like a fun name for money I just thought of myself.

You're always spending my loonies and toonies. That's exactly right. You look great in that shirt by the way. You're welcome. Yeah, all right. It's a good looking shirt. Well anyway, the bear and you are very polite, but very evil. And you just you're just gag-offer the dark war. It's nice to know that my politeness has been noted and appreciated. Now, you little coccles up, and I am very upset and very pertur- Well, you said or lower your row. Oh no, my coccles her up, and I will not back off of that. You should not be here on the state. Clearly, this is some sort of bad omen for you, Baron, or not but a puppet of that dark lord who we seek to destroy and avenge all this evil doings. Well, I mean technically that is all correct. I am like a marionette before his fel hand.

But I'm here just to say hello to you all. I mean I wasn't town to pick up my mail. You had your mail forward in here? Yes, I've gone ahead and had my mail forwarded to Hogsface. Why would you have it made for to do Hogsface? You just send it to Strikeway. Bury and convene. Well, I mean, how often are you ever going to even be in Hogsface? Right.

I mean, I think I might find myself in Hogsface more often. Why would you be in Hogsface more often? Well, I wouldn't do it. Oh, I don't. I don't. Arnie, would it be rude if real quick, just super quick, if bear rangoon usur and I recorded a quick episode of good nuts? Oh my god I'm gonna leave you on here we go real quick. This is bear rangoon. This is chun. That's usador and we're getting us

I had a chestnut today. I found a walnut. I had four peanuts Thank you. Thanks Ernie. So I feel like you can jump in anywhere and just kind of understand what's going on. Yeah, I feel like there's a really great line. There is a through line. And there's references and there's and you'll be like, all that's right. You said we're often has more than one nut and that sort of pays off over time. Guys, that peanut someone done chestnut before like that I wasn't really doing somebody's no. I love that. I thought it was great

Yes, that whole peanuts thing it really pays off if you follow the whole arc of it It's funny if you hear it, but it just you're like peanuts. What's he talking about and honestly after a thousand one episode It's just now we honestly there's so many nuts we haven't explored do you worry that you just are doing the same nuts over and over again You know I'm gonna write a being like, oh absolutely. People want to hear me talking about peanuts, so I always talk about peanuts. I feel like early on, it's that, like you feel like you're obligated to, you know, talk about a certain nut or, you know, say nuts a certain way. But then, you know, you kind of take ownership of it and just becomes a something. Certainly I have felt the pressure to say something at certain times when fans of getting nuts want to see it

But you said all Wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious master of lightning shadow manipulator of magical lights devour of chaos Shrappying of the great holes of Trockus Know the elves as fying you like known to the dwarves as Zonen who extinguished Who is that? No, no, no, no thesis gasmanius may saw he never bows to the pressure of doing what is a pandering move. You said or your cockles keep getting bigger. Sorry, Dad.

Back those cockles. What an adorable penguin. Oh, hello. Yes, yes, I am a foe to you. I am very good and not evil at all. So let's never talk in private. And such a regular dancer, not anything special about the way that she dances that is Exciting to any sort of person or frog do not worry, Pinklett. I am not afraid of anyone sitting at this table

Well, I mean obviously you know some stuff I bite to when he makes me mad. I bite his ear He gets so mad, but as far as I know, you have never moved from this table. Well as far as you know. Yeah, I'll have you know that I'm gonna get up from this table right after I answer some emails. If you want to email the podcast, you can always email us that magic tab or not puppies that supplies. It's a real email address. Hopefully I'll still be able to receive them from the road, which I assume I will be able to. Here's one. Hello, my name is Amand. Kabazay.

I come from the kingdom of Earth called Jordan. In the Middle East, middle of the East question mark, that was in the email, not me. Wondering what Middle East. Almonds, we haven't talked about Almonds yet. Sorry, I just remember that keep going. I've been introduced this podcast by my friends and we listen every week of the cafe.

It's like a tavern, but with no booze. Our question goes to Yusidor. On episode 93, you said that you were born fully nude and erect and recited your full name. So our question is, how did you already have all your names the moment you were born? Like did the elves and dwarves just know who you were and became champion of the Great Halls of Tarakas? Thank you so much for reading this post. We love this podcast. That's quite simple. Some of my names are prophecies. Oh, that's a pretty straightforward answer. All right, how about one more email and then

we'll take off on our quest to find O-Talk, Barleyfoot, not in any way to do anything involving the Dark Lord. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter when you're going. You should be afraid of me. Hello, Arnie Chant, Yusador and Guest. Sorry, emailer, there are Guests, plural. Are there any jingles of local hogs-faced businesses that get stuck in your head?

It might be comforting to sing them during the inevitable tragic moments of your upcoming quest, Cheers, Corey from Brooklyn. I mean, I know one. Oh, sure, I'd love to hear a jingle. If you ever find yourself aint over it, we'll just reach out your hand and get nuts. Oh, yeah, that's our theme song right now.

Episode 593. That's right, absolutely. So you had a different theme song early on? Yeah, we like to keep it fresh. We like to change things up. Yeah, I can't imagine how tedious it would get to just have the same kind of thing over there. Sure. Yeah. We know you're not looking for your bartender friend Otock. What do you mean? The quest. You're planning to launch your quest against the dark lord. Please, please, sweater quest. Oh, sweater vest. Whether you do it off the cuff or you're a planner,

go get your leather goods from Jake the Tanner. That's when I remember. No. That's the old one. Wait, wait, guys, the Baron is just told us that he knows that we're leaving on our quest. What? What?

Oh, no. And now that I sort of think back over the last, however many minutes, I feel like people have been dropping not so subtle hints that there's kind of more going on than just a casual drop-in. That doesn't make sense because the whole time, Tannikan has been nice enough to verbally clarify that she's not evil.

Yeah, which is, I really, I feel like more people should do that. Squibbert. Oh, I'm just taking gather information Shangle birth. Oh, I'm here to threaten you ominously. We found your spy. We fed what? Your spy your your Hank the guard Hank no Yes, you sent a spy on me in the dark Lord at the Regune of palace. Wait, which

to spy on me in the Dark Lord at the Rgun of Palace. Wait, which? Oh, Palace. The newest Hank. He was posing as a bastard son of mine. I put him on a guard, and he rose in the ricks rather quickly. I'd call it a man or at best. Gareth, current telleth tune. I have cast a spell of true sight, and he everything he speaks is true.

He doesn't tend to lies, his evil. But what about Hank? Describe in detail how he died. Oh, well, we found him out. He had murdered my wife. Oh. He said it was for the greater good. Mm-hmm.

Well, you gotta go ahead and say, when I murder someone I don't make silly excuses, I own up to it. Sure. That's fair. You're a straight shooter. I'll give you that. You know, ever since she died

It's been so nicely you stopped saying it like my wife. I was starting to draw me nuts You were getting nuts. I was getting nuts. You saying it like that and my condolences for the 90th time No, I'm so sorry. There's a lot going on. There's just a big reveal Would you mind if we real quick with squibbert did episode one thousand two of getting nuts? I'm so sorry I can't just super quick. This is shut. This is squibbert. And what am I supposed to say? Okay. And this is Isador. Yes. We're getting nuts. Oh my god. I got so nervous. I didn't think I had it in me to get that nervous. Hmm. Look what I got up a stashio. And I got a nuts in my brain. Three peanuts? That's our episode.

Thank you. I have a question about getting nuts. Do you, it really, I feel like that was the best stuff to smell. Oh, well. I really, because I felt like it was botchermainian, my mom. Really? I feel like that's at the bench. I think there's some air to take out of it, but it's good. Thank you so much.

You know, I think some, you know what? Maybe it's possible sometimes you get nervous about being excited to be on a podcast like getting nuts. And you're like, I wish I could have done better. And then later on you're like, yeah, that would better than I thought. Comedy Bang Bang. What? Or it's like, you can get it out of the box. I don't know how you can say unto the Baron, I shall strike the downer of the, you stand. You have hurt our friend at the spy and I shall. Don't you have to find out what happened to us? Yes, what happened to, hi. I tell me now, with my sword at your throat!

And give us the NC17 version. Tannnn can. We uh, we did question him for a while. We kind of got caught up talking about like, I started talking about you know. Getting nuts. Getting nuts for a while. We started talking about different clothes we'd worn and then Bayer was like, okay, let's get to the real and I was like, okay, I was having fun, to be honest.

Well, we got our spy, Hank, our spy listens to getting us to. He did. Oh, that is so, okay, let's get to the real and I was like, okay, I was having fun, to be honest. Well, he did. Oh, that is so. Oh, yes. The end of the story is, he did. Oh, he did. I said it's so sad it needs not to verb. Oh, but I wanted to know how his organs failed. You'd have to ask my top torturers,

D'Angelo Capricius and Grimblewold Swimberswitz. Who? What's this? Are you sure those are your top torturers? Yes. Wait, were your top torturers? No, they put down Hank. Oh.

If those are your top torturers, show me D'Angelo Capricius! He's not in the tavern. Now, uh, uh, Baron, Now, Baron, this is interesting. Was anyone else in the room besides your top torturers? Look, I think you're missing the important part. Well, I mean, I was there at the beginning. I got the information that you were planning on your quest. And then I immediately-

If you don't want to say what happened, I'll say what happened, because you left me in the room to gather all the information. Go on. OK, Hank, standing on an ice block. that's just regular, you know, protocol. Yeah. And then these tortures come up and they're like, oh, he, he, haha, we're going to tickle you to death.

And it's like, at first, it's like, are you really going to do this? And it's like, yeah, they start like that. And then they go, oh, where's your, where's your little belly button? Oh, I think it's over here. And they always go for the butthole first. And it's like, that's not the belly button. They're all like, you know, that whole thing and everything. And then they just, Wait, they they always go for the butthole first and it's like that's not the belly button They're all like you know that whole thing and everything and then they just wait they deserve it as but Oh, they do a bunch of nipple bits

They like do that thing where they lick and flick so they get hard and then they're like oh somebody's nipping out You know, it's like real humiliating for Hank to be honest I'm sitting over there like I'm just doing my job. This is not one of my good days And then when they do find the belly button they rip it open and pull every single one of those strings that you call organs outside and just like. The episode has got a weird reason for a lot of different people to master it. Quick under the table huddle. Huddle huddle.

Yeah. I'm very confused because I think normal Waltz rumor sweats and hang and the angel capricious are all the, the whole, the whole, the whole. It's all this Tom, it's all a Tumbling though. It's all right. So how could he be dead if he killed himself? He must have tricked them somehow. He must have just Saved him so acted the fuck out of that. Oh, he's such a good actor. Such a good Amazing wall back up out of the table. Yeah, yeah, we went out to the table Yeah, so I said when I saw all those tortures all working together

It was almost like a blur emotion at some point. I was like whose hands are these whose organs are these who's doing what but then when it was all over I just closed my eyes processing information and then I'm ready to spit it back out whenever the dark Lord wants it Hmm if you have a recording of that I would love to see I am the recorded. Oh like it's just vocal Uh-huh, and that's like the the fun thing about like a podcast is you can imagine what it looks like Well, if anyone ever draws it and projects it into a, you know, an image for someone to replay, I would love to see it for educational purposes. You know what, so what, I'm gonna put my name on that bucket. Well, Baron, you may be here to stop us.

We have a quest to leave on. But also, I think there's an upper limit to how long people want this podcast to be. So, good day, sir. Oh, I would not. He said, to how long people want this podcast to be. So good day, sir! Oh, I would not. He said good day! I did not say good day. And I am not done, and I strongly recommend against getting up from this table. Unless of course you want to deal with my friends over at that table.

Who's over at that table? Oh my god. Fuck. It's all the badgers. Fuck. They are burned and pissed. Oh no. You know, it's funny when a king fails a people, I'm talking to you now, king of the badger.

The people change their minds about whether or not they want that king. Well, that's absurd. I'm the king. They should honor their king. That makes no sense. Well, if you think you can talk reason with them, you're welcome to, but then what would you do about that table? Who's at that table? Fuck. It's Daphne, the unwed mother. Who's this? Remember Daphne? Didn't you slight hurt some point?

Oh, that's right! How fucking dare you! I am an unwed miter! That's me. That's the unwed mother you tried to set me up with? That's what an iris acted her! I have standards now! And she seemed upset about it. Very upset.

Wow, that is a deep cut. Not as deep as... Well, actually, yeah, no, that's probably the deepest cut we're going to have here. You know what they say, the deepest cuts are the deepest. Yeah, the deep cut the deep cut is the firstest We can fight a bunch of fucked up badgers and an unwed mother which I look I've got to say I don't Fucked up Badgers and an unwed mother, which I'd look, I've got to say. I don't welcome the idea of fighting her. But we can fight our way out of this tavern. Yeah, to coin a phrase, it's Hammer O'Clock.

Though the war hammer. Yeah, here's my cannon! Eh! Whoa, whoa, what else you got? Yeah, we got Tannakin' on our side. And Emily and, uh, a makeup artist. Uh, well, Yusidor, uh, are you willing to bring the fight to the birds themselves? But Yusodore loves birds.

And the birds love me. Not all birds. Oh, fuck. Astag. No, no, I, no. I, I meet. Peace with them. I reach out.

I set out an all of brand. What's that noise at the window? I mean, perhaps you made some gestures towards the starlings, but that's before they heard a recording of you claiming to wipe them out completely. Thanks for that squibbert. Look guys, guys, guys, I know we're not the best fighters in the world, but we can fight a bunch of badgers and some unwed mothers and a bunch of birds. Totally everyone, let's do it, let's rise up. Yeah, rise up, rise up. rise up. Is that a thing? What? We're just we're just giving a battle chance. Okay. Is that a thing? Rise up. Thank you, Pimbley. It must be nice

It must be nice to have starlings on your side. Oh, it's quite nice Damn, and I knew it was nice Baron I have to ask you to leave the Vermilion Minotaur. Either leave now, or I'm gonna have to kill you. Like, I'm gonna have to kill these badgers, and that birds, and... And, Daphne, I probably won't kill you. I'm so busy raising my child alone! What makes you think you can tell me who's allowed in this tavern? Because I have the lunar sword.

Whoa! And look, it is very tiny now. It is... It wanes to the point of practically being a cocktail sword. But it still works. It is still undefeatable if there's any light in the room. And he's under the protection of a wizard! Well, I'm under the protection of someone else as well. The Dark Lord, most obviously. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But also, the true proprietor of the Rameleon Minotaur. Blemish return. What's that? Blemish. And I've had my male forwarded to the Rameleon Minotaur. Blemish, we kicked you out of here. As a matter of fact, I never had my male sent anywhere else. It's always been being sent to the Rameleon Minotaur.

Well, that makes sense because you just recently left. It was very recent. I've not been in some house. I've not not boarded some else and then get forwarded. If he tried to forward it, it would be confusing. Like it would get lost. How am I the only one who didn't remember to forward my mail? I'm really pissed myself more than anyone else. That imp smells like poop.

Yeah. Yes, sorry. So sorry. Stand back. Prepare yourselves. Oh, it's going to disrobe. As I reveal, blemishes full naked form.

Oh, I knew it. He's dixacat. I knew it. I knew it. I called it. I called it. Pay up.

Pay up. His dixacat. Yeah, it'd be all good to be your ex. Squeeze family a couple of times. Oh, we accept some I think he looks alright. Sure.

Yeah. And now prepare to find what is truly in the basement as I slowly, op-wide, the hatch to the basement of the Vermillion Minitor! What is that? Some great, terrible light. Oh, yeah. Oh, the magics were hidden from me before, but there's a magical portal right there in the basement It's so cold. Why does it get so very cold? Oh, you really should have checked the basement

Oh, yeah, who's that? It's the Dark Lord! Hmm... What a dirty tavern! How sad this place is! No... This cannot be! Oh...

Hello, Yusugou! Oh, good to see you, Master! I mean... Oh no! Take a knee, Master. I mean, oh no. Take a knee, you fools, your doom is here. Wait, the Dark Lord is here in Hogspace? Yes, I'm in Hogspace now, and Hogspace is mine. No, not well, Yusador draws breath.

But look, he's just one creature. We can fight him in a bunch of badges and a bunch of birds. Yeah, I shall defeat thee now. No quest is needed, now that the Dark Lord stands before me. You picked the wrong fucker, St. Messwith. It's hammer-o-clock! Gotta turn talent and culture to our town! Taste my buttholes. Oh, it's not just me in the basement, right? What? A blah, blah, blah? The basement is full. holes

That sounds really weird like I'm scared, but also that sounds really weird. I hear the grouse. I hear the grouse You know what's in the basement. Oh God. What's coming out of the basement? What in the basement what's in the basement? Thousand roaring hearts 20,000 roaring art 20! UGH! 19,999 roaring arc! UGH! 19,999 8 roaring arcs! 19,999 with pink eye! Wait, how did one come back to life? Oh, sorry, I took a stupid pot, one fact to blood! I'm not gonna take a list of all of these!

Does anyone need a beard? If you put on your feather beards, no one will know who you are! How much of a tip do I have to have? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no good luck everybody. No! You guys, stop eating that with a rock, you're just healing them! Oh my god, several of them are fisting me! Oh, I think I'm not going well for a gambler. Take this Badger, take this! Oh shit, Talbot, I'm so sorry!

Arnie, I'm sorry, I didn't realize! Yeah, I picked a terrible day to wear no-it costume. Whoop! Pizza Skull to me! Oh yeah, baby, let's do this! Kill, Pizza Skull Kill! Yeah, you guys like pizza, yeah! Slice them up.

Wait, Pizza Skull was here? I knocked my crowscube! Pizza! Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry! Oh, are you sorry now? You sorry now? You look so good, and it's not fair that anyone would come to this planet. Looking is good as you, because I'm just me! You know, it's like my husband, my whole life is this.

You know, and you look at me that, and I don't get to have any of it. Yeah, thank you for that. You hear me? I don't get to have any of it, I go home to my kid. I will thank you for that. You're so welcome, you're so welcome to all this if you want it. Oh well, uh, yeah, I'm flattered. Look at me in the eyes, I am dead serious, and I have two very symmetrical breasts, despite the milk that has been suckled out of them by my child.

You kept up with him. Do you like him? I'm not saying. Look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, look I have to see you. Do you listen? I don't listen to it because my child that I raised by myself has a nut allergy to every single nut. Oh no, no fighting! Ah! I'll break it down. Oh, you said, I think you said much.

You should look behind you. What? Oh, you're kidding. I'm sorry. Good, sir. You should look behind you I'm sorry good sir I keep using this tiny sword and it feels silly, but it's working. It's very effective Oh Get the pink let's yes the doorbell a lot Oh Help me I don't I can't get over to that side of the room. Oh, no, but you have to I

You're right, there's one thing I learn You're right, there's one thing I learned from the last few boxes of boxes. I said, I don't know if I'm thorough with so bad. Here you go, Tanikin. Tanikin, save yourself. Take the litter sword. Shh.

Yeah! Why is Tanikin playing the litter sword like a guitar? What is happening to Tanikin? What are you doing? Tanikin, you're wrong. Here we go, babies. Tanikin, you're wrong. Tanikin, you're wrong.

Tanikin, you're wrong. Tanikin, you're wrong. Tanikin, you're wrong. Tanikin, you're wrong. Tanikin, you're wrong. Tanikin, you're wrong. Tanikin, you're wrong. Tanikin, you're wrong. Tanikin, you're wrong. Tanikin, you're wrong. Tanikin, you're wrong. Tan? Leo, you're coming! Leo, you're real!

What? Here we go, baby! Take it! I'm outta here. This is a rather pressing, but still adorable. Danica, move off with the lunar sword! Guys, I'm so sorry, but she said she wasn't evil. Orcs, serve your master now and take this tavern! Take this town.

Take those. Podcasters. They ripped my arms off. Oh my God, you serve us right. Orcs are evil. Orcs are evil. He used to blood. Someone get the blood.

We're going to use it as food. You fooled. It's hopeless. He's right. He's right to hopeless. We must regroup. We must escape. Hurry, to use it all!

I'm here. There's a little chance we shall survive. The battle is lost today, but the war is not. I must not be captured. For they ought to have access to all my magical rocks and all my magical abilities. Then certainly they would take over all of food. I'm pretty sure we're already captured. No. They can't capture me if I turn to stone! What?

These are... oh, the great himit. Fucking raw. What kind of stone is that? Looks like metal. Wow, damnit. Little chunt. I killed at least 50 orcs, but they kept coming back to life. Or more of them kept coming.

That makes more sense. More of them kept coming. that makes more sense. More of them kept coming. Oh! Chant. What? I just want you to know, if we die here, you're not gonna die. You're a good friend. And it hurts my feelings when I say something and you're like,

Oh! Apholes! I don't, I really don't know. But I know that you feel like sometimes you talk over me. Like sometimes I start talking to you talk over me Or I'll say something and you're like what is that? But and I hope I wish that we would have a thousand episodes to work out I feel like you're not genuinely happy for good things like I feel like we hit a thousand episodes and you see me

Just don't even close stand how people are you doing it? I know for a fact I just don't even close to stand. How people are doing it. I know for a fact you guys don't know how to record it. You know, we know how to... You know, we know how to... We've done a hundred episodes. You don't know how to record. I love you, buddy. I would not want anyone else

by my side fighting my battle for the death. If I had to die next to anyone, I wish it were my wife and child. That's not an option. Well, you should say that. You should say that more, actually, because I feel like sometimes... I don't talk about my best friend. I'm not a friend of mine.

I feel like I really would have read that. No, I totally would. If I had to do the last 100 episodes over, I probably would have talked about my wife and child. You know, of course. But you're like a... You're a closer. You're like your brother to me. You are like a pet that is smarter than me.

And now I don't want to have said brother. I want to take that back We have to get out of here. What are you doing? Why are you why are you doing? We are working for our problems. Yes I've got up, but you know what thank you know these orcs are evil, but I appreciate that they saw there was a moment and they gave us a little bit of space evil, but I appreciate that they saw there was a moment and months ago I felt through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King! And the magical, fantastical land of Foon! Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from that Burger King, through the dimensional riff, and I used that to upload this podcast, but I thought I was doing some good, and I thought it would help get a record every week here in this tabern, or tabern, a really main mentor in a town of hogs face! From the land of Foon!

I'm not seeing anything on the screen. Look at these readings, Craig. I don't see any readings coming through. Was that supposed to happen? Do we know that was going to happen? Hogs face is silent. The signal's just gone. Total Blair Witch.

Book of shadow. The first one. No. Check the tertiary feed. Okay, uh, checking. I'm getting nothing here. Maybe the resonance... No, don't bother with getting nothing here. Maybe the resonance. No, don't bother with the resonance stones. They're useless.

Well, there's a helpful collection of words. I know I don't normally listen in, because I'm not allowed to, but this sounds really bad. It's like yikes. Am I right? Thanks for that hot take, Anderson Cooper. Okay. I'm gonna go back to combing the carpets. Okay, okay, we've got a full solar cycle ahead of us. We should not too worried dwindling subscriber base.

Remember, this is all just a hasty shadow play for your procrastinatory benefit. We're just pretending to panic about something that never existed in the first place. Look, I'm doing the credits just like always. Use it or the blue was played by Matt Young. Shunt the shape shifter was played by Adolf Reffy. Pimbley nimble bottom the dying imp was played by Louis Saunders. Jerm Crust the makeup artist was played by Mary Tilden. Evil Tanik in the Pinklit was played by Sarah Finne out.

Squibbert the frog was played by Sarah Shocky. Baron Ragoon was played by Chris Rathgeon. Blenish was played by a distracted Anne Hays. No, wait, that was Martin Wilson. And there were other voices too. Craig, take the wheel. Uh, yeah, hello from the Magic Tavron was produced by Arnie Camp, Evan Chikover, and Ryan D. Georgie.

This one edited by Chris Rathgeon. Where's my binder labeled, oh no! You're holding it! Music by Andy Poland, logo by Allard LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox. Did you borrow my farmers' all-manack of celestial nightmares? You told me to cancel the subscription. We have last years... Uh, uh, there's no production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at aloefromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter.

Hey, do you spell ragna rock with a sad face in the O? I guess. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op. And, earwolf, are we still doing this next week? Yes, yes, yes. We're still doing this next week. I haven't figured out how to take a repeating event out of Google Calendar. What if we can't get in touch with Hogsface? Well, surely we can recreate the sound of Matt Young doing Usador. Do we still have that modem from 1979 laying around? When D-1000 roaring orcs before the dark Lord stand, waiting for the horn of Doom to sound across the land. Waiting for the horn of doom to sound across the land When at last the horn does blow, they'll follow his command And or the magic land of Foon, he'll cast his evil hand

Twenty thousand roaring orcs charge across the plain Bringing with them death destruction and a lot of pain Who will stand against them, who will stop their evil reign? A mighty host of heroes led by noble Prince Tom Blaine Among the heroes you will find, you said all the blue And his boon companions chunned and arene not a food Before the raging horde of orcs, These heroes shall not swoon

They shall battle till the last to prove their courage true Twenty thousand silent orcs upon the ground lay still The host of heroes prove their worth and broke the dark Lord's will Now the boon companions 3 have one task to fulfill. They march upon a dread castle, the Dark Lord they must kill.