Hello From The Magic Tavern - 19 - The Namer

Episode Date: July 8, 2015

Merlinda Flimpery is a Namer. She gives things names. That's a thing in Foon.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungMerlinda Flimpery: Irene MarquetteOtok Barleyfoot: Nick BaerMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanEpisode Art: Sadieh RifaiYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is not real, but it is really sponsored by Cards Against Humanity. They asked us not to read an ad. Enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of food. I'm your host Arnie Nekamp. I'm from Chicago, Earth, a while back I fell through a magical portal behind Burger King into the mystical magical land of fun, where I host a weekly podcast from the Tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, and the Taavhog's face, and the land of fun. And I'm joined, as

always, by my two co-hosts, Usidor the Blue. I am Usidor, Wizard of the Twelfth realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minibulator of Magical Light, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Tarakus! The Elvesnomius fear God. Heal I, Angelic. The... The Dorbsnomius zone in Huksangis, and I am known in the North East, as Gaspwanis Mastar. But there may be other secret names you do. And also we are joined by my buddy, Chant, the Talking Badger. Hello.

I'm not a Talking Badger, I'm a shape shifter. Well, yeah, I know. Master of Spice Potatoes. Ooh, I like that. Something new I'm having on. I know I've gone on record as just not being a fan of the Spice Potatoes. But it's just me. It's just me.'s just me you guys love them. Yeah, well one man's treasure is a trash person's trash

Oh, how is that how is saying? Sounds right. Yeah, be nice to you Sup heading me be nice pretty bad Here look at my vile of sperm. No, let's make you touch it. No. We'll keep that away from me My goal isn't by the end of this year to be Arnie No, I'm sorry. There's only one way that happens. No, you know, we're good friends and nothing more All right, but you know what let's let's talk to our guest Merlinda flimpery. Am I pronouncing that correctly? Merlinda, yes, you are pronouncing that correctly

Merlinda, thank you so much for coming on. I guess I've heard that you are a Namer. Yeah, that's right, I'm a mystical name-up. I guess that's not a job that we have in my world. It's a very highly regarded job here at Fooder. Yeah, that's right, it's a very sacred job. So let's say that you are a trickster or a sneaker, a mischievous creature, and you know that people guess your name,

you're gonna lose a lot of your power. You wanna have a name that people don't, they're not able to guess. Sure, like if you're a mystical trickster, and your name is like Hank, sure, people will probably figure that out of it. Yeah, probably within, you know, 30 guesses. Really? Yeah. Within 30 guesses, even Hank, I mean, I don a bit. Yeah, probably within 30 guesses. Really?

Yeah. Within 30 guesses, even Hank, I mean, I don't know. Oh, sure. Think of a name right now. OK. All right, Bill. Now, Hank, yes. Damn it.

All right. So you see the necessity for somebody or me. Sure. Yeah. So then like a tricksters and mischief makers, they come to you and they pay you to come up with a name? Yeah, well I mean payment is relative. I work for favors. I got a very complicated network of people who owe me and people that I owe. So if you're a special kind of trickster, maybe you turn a strong to gold, something like that. You know, you're

going to come to me for a special name and I'm gonna bet that at some point I'm gonna ask you for a gold quilt. Can I say, is it wise to get in complicated bargaining situations with known tricksters? For them, you don't know who you're dealing with. That's all that's true. Right, I mean, who knows your name?

You. Yeah, that's right, you don't want that thing broadcast from Heather and Thither. Well, that puts us in kind of a weird situation because I would love to know some of these names that you've made. You sure? Oh, really? Yeah, I mean, I can give you some samples

because any client that I have, I'll usually present them with a list of names. So sit down for consultation. I'll talk to them about their special tricking skills, maybe assess their physical appearance, maybe any kind of quirks that they have, any skin conditions, other random adjectives that come to my mind, and then I'll make a list. And from there, we can kind of pick and choose. So obviously, I've got some rejected names that I made for you. I love to hear them.

I can't divulge them. Lord Dimpleberry. Ooh, that's a good one. I like that one. Was it Lord or Lord? Lord. Lord, yes. That creature was by no means a Lord.

Farns Wimple, humble bottom. Oh, I would guess that one. Nobody wants a humble bottom. Well, just wait until I read your name later Special treat for everybody I came up with a couple freebies Thank you. This is why you have a podcast name because you know you get some excitement around it And people come in and they give you free stuff. Should I keep reading? Yes, yes, please. I'm Kim sterley dad bod Oh free stuff. Should I keep reading? Yes, yes, please. Kimsterly dad bod. Oh, Kimsterly dad bod. Oh, I feel like that should be, that might be my name. Blippi Noggin friend. What? Kidney, Dapple Wheel, scratchity gender skin. I thought that one was

pretty good. That's great. Yes, it's got a real ring to it. The only thing is a little too on the nose. Ah, yeah. She's looking at him and you go, you're a scratchy, ginger skin. Exactly. That brings up a good question. So you see your clients come in and you look at them. So you want a name that fits them, but is at the same time unguessable.

Right, and you know, different people have different needs. So for example, maybe this fellow passed into your realm at some point, he was one of the biggest tricksters of all time, a Rumpel Stiltskin. Well, I have heard of Rumpel Stiltskin. He takes a lot of firstborns. Yeah. Yeah, here when he was here, he did.

Desire. Yeah, no, that was what he's known for in my world as well. Yeah, is he still kicking around? Well, it's a story in my world. People don't think that it's necessarily true, but that he, you've heard of it? I've heard of it. Wow.

That's amazing. That's the power of so name I mean, I know the like the names that are known in both worlds here are Rumpelstiltskin and candy man Oh my god the candy man. I wish I gave him that name. That's a good name And you know the thing is that it's an ironic name. Ah, there was nothing candy about him and I didn't think he was fully grown. No Candy boy, yeah. Bitter boy. Salty boy. Yeah.

Flapjacks and slippery bowl. Schischlerley hand music. Hildey Salty grain. Oh. Hyde Lee Houdley. Hy Lee Houdley. Yes. Hy Lee Houdley. Yeah, it's a three-part name. Hy Lee Houdlae. Hi Lee Houdlae. Yes. Hi Lee Houdlae.

Yeah, it's a three-part name. Hi Lee Houdlae. Who? You got it. Hi Lee Houdlae. Hi Lee Houdlae. Hi Lee Houdlae. Oh, you're a rebsim.

Squashed up to bargain. Oh. Ha ha ha. That's just the sampling. Wow. Those are the rejects. Those are the ones that people didn't want. Right.

Well, they're all very well crafted. Thank you so much. I can feel the magical power coming off of each one. I coos to you and your great prowess as a neighbor. Thank you so much. You know, most neighbors are born and some are made. And I made myself into a neighbor. Oh, wow.

So your family is not a family of neighbors? No, no, no, far from it. My mother was a water woman. She was a warrior and she married my father who was a color weaver. Wow, what is a water woman? Just the kind of lady who lives in the, but some kind of water.

Oh, I saved, pretty straightforward. Hey guys, here I got some smoked tea for everyone. Smoked tea. I just love to mix it up a little bit. Thank you very much. Any chance I can get this glass in a fermented fairy sweat bath? Yeah, of course. That would be nice.

Wow, is that something I could get to? Should I try that? Yeah, but don't do too much. You'll hallucinate. Oh, that's what I'm gonna do that to you. I'm just gonna get it. Oh, okay. Too much for me. I couldn't handle it.

I don't think so. Okay, fair enough. You shit standing up. But I'm twice. And you want to press your luck. Okay, I'm trying things. I'm trying things. And you know what, I'm amongst friends.

I feel safe. Oh, you should not. Okay, I won't. Okay. Do you think you're all set? Blumish took care of you. Oh, thank you so much. So, okay, so your mother was a water woman.

That's right. Your father was the what again? He was a color weaver. A color weaver. Yeah. So many of these jobs and occupations I've never heard of before. Who weaves color in your world?

I mean, I'm not sure what that even means. They must be invisible. That makes sense. The majority of my childhood, my siblings and I were stuck in a tower weave in color for my father. Wow, yeah, that's tough. Yeah, I'd escape and the tower. Your hair is so long.

Thank you. I've kept it this long. Really? Yeah. Is that related to how you escape from the tower? Yes, I was able to braid it, whip it around like a lasso to a tree about 20 meters away. So if you can imagine, I mean, we don't know how to measure shapes in this world, but there was a big part and then a sideways part and then a slanted part. So from the top of the tower, my hair created the slanted part. So however long that had to be.

Sure. And then I was able to slide down it. Huh. Linda, I must ask you. I know you're very busy with your business and being a small business owner is already quite a burden. But will you join me upon my quest to defeat the Dark Lord? Well, I'll tell you what.

Couple people only, a couple of favors. Oh, ooh. Well, let me know when you have to get across the bridge. Ah, I will. Yes. Ah, wonderful. Ha-ha. Well, this is so excited that Yusador has, uh, his quest is coming along. Yes.

I do feel like I'm making some progress. I've got an in-bally pimple bottom still on the hook. And of course, uh, Metal Endus might call it a couple of favors for me. And then, I would owe you a favor. Oh. Well, well. I'm gonna lend this mic calling a couple favors for me and then I would owe you a favor. Oh You know you used to ask about ten or twelve names. Could you tack on maybe a 13th or 14th name for him? I have many more names. Well, why don't we why don't we take a quick break and then when we come back? Why don't you take a break and shoot you? Come on

Sorry, but it's done. Fedding me. Come onall, you're so beautiful. You're a cute little badger. All right, we're gonna take a break, and then when we come back, we're all gonna get trickster names. Hi, this is Otak Barleyfoot from the Vermilion Minotaur. This week's Rumor of the Week is, Spin Tax the Green is heard to be translating the pandanamicon into Dwarves to to impress a young eager bi-sexual. If you'd like another rumor, you'd have to come down to the Vermilion Minotaur and buy yourself a mead

from Blemish or any of our other fine bar staff. Vermilion Minotaur, right on the edge of Mixingle Shane Forest. Q, Q, slippery, Arnie, and Merlinda. Merlinda is... I don't know if this is too forward of a question. Is Merlinda your real name? No. Oh. No, that's how I got into the business to begin with. I also have a sacred name that I can't speak here. Thank you. No, no way, Jose. So what is a sacred name then? Well, like the sacred name is what I would get, like the names here that, you know, these, I've been reading rejected names to you. I see.

There's a separate name that would be private just between the two of us. Rumpel Stiltskin, for example, was his sacred name. I see. So if it was ever to be said, he would lose all of his power. Wow. So I assume that since you know his name in your world,

he did lose his power. He did. He did, yes. You know, I think that maybe that's for the best. Yeah, he seemed. Anyone that wants to steal the first point, I mean, as someone who has a first born and would hate to permanently lose that first born,

as opposed to temporary being disconnected from that firstborn. Like that is not a big fan of child Steelers basically. In your world, do children go away until they reach maturity? No, I mean you just have to raise them the whole time, like the whole time. Wow. Yeah, it's not easy. I mean, you've been here for a while. I have been here for a while.

Has it been hard to raise your child from here? Have you been raising your child? No, I really do. I feel like I don't know. I don't. I feel... No, I mean, it was very difficult, but rewarding, the time that I had there. And I feel awful.

What reward? You got a reward? No, I was like a ruby or something. No, it was just very emotionally satisfying. It was hard, but also, you know, I miss my daughter and I miss my wife And I hope my wife is doing okay raising our daughter by herself right now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Merlinda We don't need to talk about my problems. You miss your daughter. You miss your wife? I It's lonely here in space

What was the question? So okay, so how does this process so we're gonna give us names right now question. So okay, so how does this process so you're going to give us names? Right, now obviously we're not having a normal consultation like I would have with my client, so I had to look into your lives separately from this, so I'm coming to you with some options. These of course aren't your sacred names, I can give them to you privately later on a slip of paper. Oh wow. You can hold close to your hearts. Wonderful. If someone guesses that name you give to me later, well, solve my power. We'll see. Oh, that's not that much to lose. Hey, watch it. All right, who wants to go first? Oh, I'll go. I'll go. I've got two for each of you. I hope salty boys. I really like salty boy. Maybe that's your sacred name. Snickertice Scumbotum. Ooh, that's a good one.

What a asses. Scumbotum sounds about right. The second one is double-high-nee finger stink. Ooh. High-deaf finger stink. Yeah, that's very apropos. That's very nice. Because I have two blood holes.

Yes, that's correct. And my fingers, because of all the spice facetos, my fingers usually do stink. All right, use the door. Yes. All right, I've got yours. Blow-Body Spell Stealer. Oh, yeah.

I like that one. Tag that onto your name change. Before you mentioned use the door's second name, so have you mentioned, did you investigate us before? How did you prepare for this? Are you just kind of eyeballing us? Well, it's not just as simple as naming things, and I am very skilled in the art of physicalities

and or reading things of that nature, but also I do have a license as a private investigator. I've been trailing you all for the last week. Wow. Holy cow. I was kidnapped as a maiden and took steps to protect myself from that happening in the future and entered a brief stint in law enforcement.

Oh wow that's great! That's an interesting past even before becoming a name. Yes, oh one must suffer trials before they can really name. Oh that's fantastic. Thank you. So I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm excited to hear you use the door's other name. Grave voice Lafalcy.

Grave voice Lafalcy. Can you do your introduction with those two tech, Don? I am Yusudor. Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius. Known in Foon is nobody spells dealer. That was worth a shot. It's a mouthful. I have to get used to that.

You may already know this, but Arnie's actual name kind of sounds like a rejected name. It's Arnie Neekamp, which is a little, little repetitive little redundant. Arnie Neekamp, that's true. That's true. It's got those repetitive, consonant syllable combinations. Yeah. Yeah. Would you say that's a rejected name? All right. Well, I'm very excited. What are my name? My trickster names. All right, you've got two. Okay. The first one is Veda Sultan Fuss. Ooh. Veda Sultan Fuss. Wow, it kind of sounds like an old woman,

but an old woman I'd like to meet. And your second one, are you ready for your second one? Yeah. It's Carnival Wilson. Carnival Wilson. Holy cow. That is the best name I've ever heard. That is Carnival Wilson.

Carnival Wilson. Carnival Wilson. Carnival Wilson, the human trickster. Carnival, will you try to name my quest? Yes, I will, but I will need a sword and a dickfer. What's the thing? No, don't say it, don't say it. Ah, Carnival Wilson, the human trickster. What's a dickfer?

Classic bullshit, Carnival Wilson. Carnival Wilson. Can I? Hey, hey, no, but you said, what are you eating? What are you eating under there? Underwear the hot car no Wilson. Oh my gosh shut up. I'm so excited Can I shoot just a serious question and I don't know if I don't know if this is rude or if this is presumptuous or if this is taboo Did you at any point help the dark lord with his name? Oh.

Can you rephrase the question? I don't understand the question. Did you at some point in time, her eyes are kind of glazing over? Help the dark lord with his anonymity to help conceal his name so one does not say it. Can you guys hear me as my mic off? No hack!

The name is a sacred one. I do not begrudge you in any way. Should you have assisted the dark lord in either obscuring his true name or creating a more powerful name. Yuzador, you understand our ways better than anybody else could. Thank you so much for the help. And you know, as I explained my backstory to all of you, my troubled past, my estrangement A strangenment from my family due to the time that I spent looming colors and creating them in that tower. The kidnapping I experienced as a maiden at the hand of stupid McDumb Shanks. Oh, good name. It wasn't I guessed it very quickly. It's how it works.

Yes, in any case, I've got a lot of power now, and that's all that matters. Yeah, good. Good. Guessing is, are you as good at guessing names as you are at giving names? Yes, I like to think so. At some point, you store made me a tiny horse with a

top-out and two buttholes, and I secretly named it. What did I name it? I strange a la flur. Holy shit. Wow. That's incredible. In my world, there is a man named Marilyn Manson. What is his real name?

Charles Manson. That guy don't know. That's a check out. I don't know. I should have asked a question, I need the answer too. Yes, of course, always. Well, Merlin, to thank you so much, I'm so excited to have this new name. I feel like a whole new person.

It's my pleasure. I'd like to come back. Yes, please do, you're welcome anytime. Do you, are you located in or near Hogs face? You can just whisper my true name into the breeze and I'll find you. OK, but I don't. When you need me, you'll know how to say it.

Now it'll just come to me. Holy cow, I love name power. There's something really cool about name power. Sure. Any speaking of names, Chunt, people can email you by using your name. Absolutely, thank you, Carnival. Or I might start to mash up Carnival and Arnie

and call you Carnivalson. We have a email here. This is from Brendan. You can always email me at chunt at gmail.com or as I like to say chunt, but whole gmail.com. That's chunt with 60s. Hey chunt, what's up? Just hanging here after work

and I was wondering what a badger does to keep his figure for the ladies, though being a shapeshifter that probably changes with whoever you got your eye on, well, party on, Brendan. Yeah, I mean, to keep my shape, I pretty much eat whatever I want, and then if I want to be a little slimmer, I'll just have a quotas with a slimmer creature. Oh, wow, that's easy. Yeah.

I mean, as long as you, I say it's easy, but it's not always easy. Is it easy? Carnival. I don't know why that because you don't look slimmer. No, hey Shoot you come on All right, you know what if you want to email the show in general you can email us at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies I know it doesn't sound real, but it is the only email address I could get because of the the firewall at the Burger King. Anyway, first email, hey big fan of what you are doing, the idea of a dog house shape like a tavern is really great.

How do I get about ordering one for my puppy? Okay, I think that's someone that's confused about the puppies that supplies. Anyway, of course you can always contact me also by writing in Goatsblood upon parchment and then setting the letter of flame. Okay, that's one way. And also we haven't had a chance to do it yet, but we're going to maybe try to get a Twitter account for you, Sodor. So you can contact him.

I can't wait to talk. In a more conventional way. Did we tell you the other night? You store an iron rope, late drunk, and we sluttered a goat, and we conjured a picture of Bauderick. Yeah, Bauderick. So we've now seen what Bauderick looks like. Yeah, because Don, the Transdimensional, the Overyman said there's the whole dimension of everything that looks like Bauderick.

It was, yeah, it's very attractive. Yeah. I wonder, you guys just slaughtering goats and looking at pictures of women. Stay, stay past one, and you'll find out. Okay. No, I'm still, I've been here for months, but I'm still on a father's schedule of a newborn. I just get up early.

It's hard for me to stay up late. Anyway, okay, I got another email here. Hey, Arnie, did you fall through that portal before or after you made your order at Burger King? What did you order? Did you eat it or pull it into food as a new father? Why were you alone at Burger King? You seem very irresponsible. Maybe your kid is better off. Much

love, much love, Dale. Much love. It seems like there's a lot of different emotions going on. I know, it's true. Well, you know, I actually, since becoming a father, I was trying to eat more healthily, but you know, it's just a stressful day and I was out running some really quick errands and I did just drove into the Burger King drive through just to kind of like I don't know is there a equivalent of it in here in phone just to kind of like you know what is a drive through. It's like oh god there's such a series of things I have to explain. It's earth stuff. I'll explain it in the earth stuff episode.

The other four will do. But basically, I was sort of like guilty pleasure of just sort of like comforting myself with some crappy food. And as I was, I ordered the food, I ordered a whopper, and I was driving around the corner, and suddenly I was in food. My whole car, which I had in the trunk had my podcasting equipment and, you know,

I haven't shown it to you, I'd have to explain what a car is. But my car, my Toyota Camry is in, Mick Shingleshane Forest, like under some brambles and stuff. Like a cart? No, it's, ah, God, I really hate explaining earth stuff. It's just basically, you keep bringing it up. I know, it's just like a metal horse. But bigger.

Could you conjure a tiny metal horse with two medals? I'll try. Actually, that reminds me, I've gotten lots of emails asking about the Burger King, asking specifically which Burger King it is. If you know Chicago at all, it was the Burger King at Irving Park and Clark. And so somewhere, somewhere in the parking lot

of that Burger King, there is the tiniest of magical portals to fune. So if you wanna try to get here, go to that Burger King and try to get over. And in fact, it's much smaller than it used to be, but I have found the small kind of sliver of the portal where the Wi-Fi signal is coming through. I can't get through it, but I've started like pushing little notes through. So you know, if you find a note for me in Earth, I'm just sort of trying another way besides

this podcast to get the information out that this world exists. Usually do it on a Sunday, so that's just something I've been trying to do. Because you guys seem to not think that I want to get home and I absolutely do. We don't try. We don't. We believe you. We believe you. Yeah, I don't know. It's tough being here without my family, but if I hold on for one more day, things are going to change. Things will go my way. You look smoke again. hold on for one more day, things are gonna change. Things will go my way. You look smug again. Hold on for one more day. People on earth are digging it.

Anyway. Here's a fun little jingle with a message hidden inside. Are there other dimensions then mine? What's the deal? It's no concern of yours, cause this shows not real. Hooray! Chant the Badger is merely the vessel for the fractured, tarnished soul of Adolfi.

Usadolu Wizard was played by Matt Young. Special guest Merlinda Flipp, was played by Irene Marquette. You can hear Irene and Matt perform together each week in the improvised Star Trek podcast. Irene also accenturex all over the land of Chicago, including the Curio Show and Undressed at the Mission Theatre. Find out more at IreneMarquette.com or on Twitter and Instagram at Irene Chicago. or at ireenmarket.com or on Twitter and Instagram at ireenshokago. O-Talk Barleyfoot was just our friend Nick Bear playing around with a character.

And if you'd like to know my sacred name, I'll never tell. But it's definitely not Hank. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Neekamp, Evan Jacover and Ryan DeGeorgi, edited by Ryan DeGeorgi, music by Andy Poland, Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Learn more about the show and the fantastical world we've haphazardly assembled at HelloFromTheMagicTavern.com, or follow us on Twitter at Magic Tavernron. Find hello from the MagicTavron on Facebook for all sorts of interesting treats that increase our presence on the social media landscape. Want to let the world know that you know about this podcast

and you're down with the fact that it's not real? Order a hello from the MagicTavron t-shirt from MagicTavern.nrbts.com Or travel to Ann Arbor, Michigan yourself to buy one in person. I dare you! All of these fictionalized pretendings were brought to you by Cards Against Humanity, with the help of the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about Cards Against Humanity at Cards Against Humanity.com. End the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at ChicagoPodcastCoop.com