Hello From The Magic Tavern - 2 - Tom the Traveler

Episode Date: March 13, 2015

This week, a new guest joins Chunt, Usidore, and I in the Vermilion Minotaur: A common, dirty traveler named Tom. I'm hoping to hear what life outside of Hogface is like from someone who has traveled across Foon.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungTom the Traveller: Steve WaltienMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Be warned, the following podcast is not real, but it is really sponsored by Field Notes brand, USA made memo books and other products including seasonal limited editions. Visit Street in Chicago. Hello from the Magic Tavern! In case you didn't check out last week's episode, this is what you need to know. My name is Arnie, I'm from Chicago. I recently, about a week ago, fell through a portal behind a Burger King into a magical land called Thun. Luckily, I have my podcasting equipment with me, and I'm still getting a very weak Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King, I guess through that magical portal.

I've decided to host a podcast every week in a tavern called the Vermilion Minotaur in the town of Hogface. And that's pretty much all you need to know. I am joined by three guests this week. Uh, two of them are back from last week. Chunt, welcome back. Thanks for having me. Good to see you.

You said door the wizard. Good to see you again. Uh, hello, Arnold. the wizard. Good to see you again. Hello, Arnold. It is my pleasure to return. I must complete my quest to save the land of foun. You know that the import of this quest is greater than the import of any other thing that could possibly be happening right now in this realm. It is imperative that we gather our forces and find a way to defeat the Dark Lord before he takes over all the food and destroys life as we know it. But whose are other guests today?

Oh, I forgot to mention that Chant is a talking badger. I think that's fairly obvious. Well, I know you guys don't necessarily understand. Chant sounds like a changeling name to me. the chun sounds like a changeling name to me But that doesn't seem like a changeling name to you. I don't I'm not familiar with what a changeling name would sound like But you know what a changeling's called in your world. I don't know like a Gavin Gavin I'm just guessing. We don't really have change links in my world. What?

My world is not as magical and interesting as Foon. I mean, we- So if a man has sex with a shark, he turns into- Yes, what does he turn into? A dead man, first of all. A dead man. Okay, you know, I think we covered a lot of the sort of beastie-ality stuff pretty

thoroughly last week. Maybe, uh, let's- Yeah, let's- Turn our focus to my new guest this week, Tom, the Traveler. Hello. I'm Tom the Traveler, and I couldn't be less important. I'm just a Traveler who goes from town to town. I've joined up with a theatre group, The Cock Ticklers.

The Cock Ticklers? Indeed. What is the origin of the name The Cock Ticklers? There is a funny scene in our current show without giving anything away. Where Lawrence takes his fingers and tickles a cock on stage. Feathers fly. Oh, the audience laughs. It sounds like a wonderful family show. Indeed, and the penit that shows our emblem,

is a man just tickling his cock. Really? Yes. But I'm a new member to the troop, but traveling man, I go from town to town, I'm dirty and common, and I love it. Yes, yes. And look at the sacks he's wearing, he's clearly poor. Yes, it's very common. Sorry for the sound, there's light in my big pipe. I've spent all my life in tevens like this, just, in with all the dirty folk,

never been served at any kind of station. I love just being with regular people. Tom, I'm just excited to have a traveler on the podcast. Someone has seen a little bit more of Foon than just Hogface. Someone that's very worldly of this world. Like, what are some of the parts of this world that you've seen?

The Northwest. Ooh. Southwest. Wow. Southeast, huh? But definitely not the Northeast. No. I've not been to the Northeast.

You certainly didn't travel here on the Overlanders Road. Now, is the Overlanders Road, is that one of the names of the... Yes, that's one of the names of Stuart's Path, but it's well known in the North East as the Overlanders Road. I don't know anything about the North East. I'm just a traveller. Yeah, of course.

So what made you decide that you wanted to get into travelling and acting? Well, I'm part of theatre troupe as I told you. With the Cocktacklers. And we don't make much money at all. We just go from town to town bringing smiles to the faces of young children. Then sometimes we do corporate gigs, which is where we're hired by the local constabulary

to perform a tragedy that bears resemblance to a murder. And then, hopefully, the person who performed that murder will become guilty during the play itself. So you act out the details of this murder and hopefully someone in the audience will be overwhelmed with guilt having seen the percentage of guilt-stricken emitters. Well, do you know how when you've done a murder and then you see a play about that same kind of murder? Yes, you have to stand up and shout light Like give me some light

Yeah, so we can just get the murderer to know that feeling Trump. I've only murdered While I was in my animal form, so I've never been You know arrested because you know if a weasel kills another weasel or a hawk kills another hawk, no, it's not good, sure. I've never killed a man, I've never killed a man. Are we, how many of us here are murderers? I have to kill him. Yeah, when you travel, you have to kill him.

I'm a traveler and I'm an artist. Is it difficult doing these plays where you get the details of the murder, where you're like, okay, I gotta remember. All right, Gary is the murderer, and everyone thinks there's something funny about Gwendolyn, she does this thing, so we definitely gotta get that into the murder play. If you do it wrong, you don't get to confession, but I'm new to it.

So, Tom Lane, may I call you Tom? Yes? Tom, if you weren't really part of this troupe, what have you been doing before? It's whatever you've been spending your time doing. I was a washer of things. A washer of things? Yes, I would go to the stream and just wash and travel.

I've never had a care in the world. It was sort of things, do you wash? So you started as a washer of things and then you segue it into Cacticlin. Yes. That's sort of the normal. How does one become a theater performer in your world? I one must experience life, hmm?

Well, no, I mean, in my world, you basically just pay some money, you take some classes, usually a series of classes. Do you mean to tell me that people pay good gold to take a class to then to become a Thespian? Yeah, sometimes like a strikingly large amount of money. Seems like Tom Fulurey. How does how does how does how does how to joining the coctaklers work like was there an apprenticeship program or did you have to audition? Well they come through your town and

if you're lucky you begin to apprentice with them. You go through a period of time where you're learning their scenes, treading the boards of their stage, then come the five bees. After that, if you survive... I'm sorry, good week. The five, what are the five bees? They're kept in a jar with holes poked in the top.

Do you not have bees? We do have bees in my world. Do you have the five bees? If you can survive being stung by the five bees Yes, then you're well-staged. So it's a well-known right of passage for all a lot of people don't know how the bees work the five bees have a way of selecting and acting So if you're not an actor, you die? Yes. Oh God. Stinks can be lethal. But that is NOT considered a murder!

Indeed. I'm just a humble man. I look to go from town to town to keep my head out of trouble. And what was the name of your hometown again? That was definitely not in the northeast. Sc... Sc... And what was the name of your hometown again that was definitely not in the Northeast? Skrk. I, the, I know. Skrk. Well, can I just say as someone who has taken many forms? Tom's skin, your skin is just beautiful. How do you keep it so TOT and why not? It's covered in riveted. Well, there's dirt on it, but beneath it,

you can see just how well kept it. I mean, that's what I have to admit. The dirt looks recently applied. It's just kind of almost cosmetically dappled. Your cosmetically dappled Arno? It's Arnie. Because I was short for Arno. Arno?

Yeah, it was... Short, well, look, my name is Arnie, it's short for Arno. My parents name me Arno. Arno, Arno. They meant Arno. I mean, it's Potato Matano. Arno was a great warrior and how it works is, if you're named after a great warrior, you can only shorten your name if you double the feats that they had Really?

So I'm like twice so you're claiming that you're twice as proficient in quest and killings and tournaments as our nori. I and that is why I have brought myself here It is imperative that you join me in my quest to defeat the dog Lord yay that. That dark master. Tom, your skin, I just can't go. Dark is so. It is so for it. It is opposite of the pure whiteness of the skin of this man, the darkness that I listen to.

It's almost skinned. Okay, Yusudor seems like he's going into wizard's trance. So we're going to take a quick break to get ourselves some drinks so please enjoy this brief. Hey, welcome back to the Magic Taber and I'm still with my guest, Chunt, the talking badger, Yusidor, the wizard, and Tom, the traveler, who seems...I'm just gonna put it out there, who seems a little suspicious. Just Tom, the traveler. Yes, of course, Tom, the traveler! Nothing suspicious about that.

Perhaps you know me better as Gasmuenus may start, as I know in the northeast regions of this land that you claim to not be from. Gasmuenus, yes. What are you doing here? No, I travel all over this world trying to gather people to meet the dark Lord for our quest is the most important thing that has

ever happened in Foon, but I know you are looking to your eyes. You cannot tell my father that I am here. Ah, your father? Your father Albein? Yes. I don't know why I guess, but I don't know who that is. Yes. My father is Albein Beloroth, King Albein of the Northeast. You see here before you, Tom Blaine Beloroth, a very prince of that land, yes. No longer, I am an artist now. I am the artist that was formerly known as Prince. Ah. Does that make your mom, Titania?

Yes, my mom is Prince Titania. Oh, the Meadbag's on Titania. Really? Oh my God! There are... Buzam is well known throughout the realm, yes. Ah, wow. The way you're describing this, you know, from my world, if you hear about an especially attractive woman,

we have ways of immediately conjuring up an image of them so you can be like, wow, that is exactly what that woman looks like. You want me to conjure an image of her? Yeah! I shall need the blood of a goat, I shall search for her. Don't conjure anything to do with my mum. Don't kill a goat. I've run away from the northeast.

I don't want anything to do with my mother. I don't kill a goat. I've run away from the northeast. I don't want to be king. I don't want to join all this crazy sword fighting. I just want to be a regular person. Ah no. It's Arnie. Ah no. Have you ever been in love with someone that you couldn't have.

I mean, I've been in love. And you couldn't have had? I mean, there was a brief time when I couldn't have it. And then I guess, yes, I have been in love with women that weren't interested in me back. So I guess that's a big... I am a prince, and I am meant to wed a princess. But my eyes have love fell upon a milk-mate.

Rianan. Rianan? Yes, Arnorsche, moved like a bell in the night, but who would be her lover? Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, I'm drained the blood from its neck, and then say the words, Keraltake Fischianne, there's an image of the time. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. Holy cow. She's older than that now.

Yes, but still, she's keeping it together. My father forbade me to wed Riannon, so I packed up and left. I don't want to be a prince anymore. Tom, I realize that the weight of your station dust way heavily upon you, but this is a critical time. For you to leave your station means great doom, and it means that a dark master has an opportunity to take over, where he may not.

You are needed in your post. Take your love. Take her back with you. Demand to marry her and let her become one of the highborns such as you. Take her into your world. We would have to change all the rules. My father is steadfast in his support of the old ways. Don't you see that's why the Dark Lord gains power?

It's what we deny on love. Yes, love is a great power that can overcome great evil. Everyone knows that it's a bit of a cliche, actually. You are an old Arnie. You mentioned that you had a great love as well. What was his name, Arnold? Or his? Yes, we don't judge you.

No, I know which would be totally fine. Was it a shark? It was not a shark. No, it was not a shark. I'm actually, and this is, I don't want to dwell on it too much because I want this show to be sort of light and informative and interesting, but, you know, I'm married. You know, I have a wife.

I have a wife and child back in Chicago. And I haven't seen them for a full week and I've had no word on how they're doing. Most likely moved on. I mean, I'd seem unlikely. I mean, this is a broad yourself here to escape the bonds of marriage. I am not intentionally here.

I'm excited to be here. I'm excited to gather information about your world. But, you know, I'm very unhappy. I'm sad about not being with my family. So we are the same. We've both fled our life because of the walls that have placed around it. I just want to be very clear that I did not flee.

Sarah, if you're listening to this, back in my world, I am not intentionally gone. I'm sure that you are really worried that you haven't heard from me. Wait a minute, you have the opportunity to communicate with her and you've just been talking to us and this is the first time you've said anything to her. No, well, she can, I'm doing it. This is a kind of important work. No one in my world knows that this will be case. Okay, so you run away, Arnau.

You must have created this riff with your mind. I don't think my mind can do that. You see, Tom Lane, hey, you've, you've, you've fallen into our trap. You cannot run away from who you are any more than Arnold can. You must... I prefer AI. Words have great power. You must take your position back.

You must do whatever it is. You must become the man that shall lead. I don't want to be a prince. I want to be a cock tickler. If you were to be formally known as prince, you must hide yourself more carefully. I suggest changing your name to an Elven symbol. Yes, I suppose. This all sounds really familiar. Are you sure you guys know nothing about my world?

You must know of my father, the king in the northeast. He of the purple cloak has lived 80 and one years. They say that the purple rain will never end. And yet... I feel like this is happening on purpose. What do you mean? It would be too hard for me to explain, but I just feel like some of the things that you're saying seem to be adding up to what? If there is indeed a rift between our two worlds, may have some information has trickled through. known for his feats throughout the land, he has lived long. It has been prophesied that when he passes from this realm into another, the doves will cry. And in his time here, he has done so much to protect the realm.

Yes, he has done too much. And I do not wish to ascend to his throne. I do not wish to be a part of his new power of generation. I wish to go on as my own person. And wear like a raspberry beret. What? What are you talking about? Drive a little red corvette.

Oh, you know the red corseas. What? Oh. This is his personal guard, the red corseas. They're all four feet tall, the red corseas. Yeah, and they're a bunch of sexy motherfuckers. What? What?

Watch your language. Are you talking about Tateña? Yes! Please! Come on. Yeah, let me come in. I'm in there. I'm in there.

I'm in there. I'm in there. I'm in there. I'm in there. I'm in there. I'm in there. I'm in there. I'm in there.

I'm in there. I'm in there. I'm in there. I'm in there. and diamonds and pearls that my father could offer. I wish only to be myself. Tom, I totally... I think that's great that what you're doing for love, but are you even with this barmaid now? You're just traveling the world and you're not even with her. I would rather be far away than to be tempted by her sight every day. Or your life you've never seen a woman like this.

Tom, I have been patient up until this point. But you know that there is a great burden upon the end when your father does pass from this realm. You must go to the cave near the castle, and in that cave you must do the bat dance. If that bat dance is not done, then... Oh, hell stop right loose upon food! I feel like you guys are doing this on purpose. Who's star? Can you kill another goat to bring up that? No, I have to go get another goat. That is my mom. Just one more time. I just want to see him one more time.

That is my mom. If I had my way, I would change into those for the rest of my life. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Just like the best, you know, horse cheeks ever seen. Oh, no. Yeah. Do you miss your family? I do. I know I'm putting up a brave face. But I'm worried. I'm worried about my wife. Just like I'm sure you're worried about Your this is really upsetting. Oh look at that Here's another picture of that. That's kind of worth it. Yeah, how did you get that?

She's in the bath. That's my mom talk about to Tanya Don't talk about it Tom Daniel. Don't talk about it, Tom. You must follow your own path. You must become the man you were born to be, but that does include following your heart. Just as Arnold must reach out to those that he loves. You must do that as well. For if you deny the love in your heart, you deny the man you will become.

It is not impossible to do both of these things, to love and to take on the burdens that have been placed upon. Wait, is that, is that mean go back or stay? I don't know, okay, is just trying to pass on. It does go on, but it's just that I thought you'd go back and then he saw the face. It's just that there's a... It's all beyond the part of the quest. It's never one I'd speak about in your words. You understand that all of these forces are moving in tandem, that each piece plays its own part.

And I, as the architect, if the resistance must in some way, put each piece in its place, and then if you know that it is I think you can start saying words that he likes like come together you shall be the first for your pure love shall find the way to stay yeah he's in his wizard state stay the bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our bloodline of our I'm like, top lane. Do you need a place to crash? Arnie's staying with me and my burrow. Yes, if you want to stay with us for a while, will you try to decide what you want to do?

Yes, I shall stay. And then when my resolve is fixed, I shall decide whether I shall be a prince or a cock, tickler, or a traveler, indeed. Well, thanks so much for joining us. And thank you all the listeners. Please. Thank you, Arnie.

It's Arnie. But thanks so much for listening. If you're in my world listening, this place is tribe to the listeners. Thank you, I don't know. It's Arnie. But thanks so much for listening. If you're in my world listening, this please subscribe to the podcast so you don't miss any of the future episodes. And more information of what I discover about the world of FUNCH. Also, please write us a review or give us just a couple of stars. Actually, more than a couple of stars. Give us all of the stars on iTunes. It's going to help other people get this important information

about this other world. I cannot concentrate on what I'm saying, while this wizard trans is going on, can you be given stars? I'm not gonna explain iTunes to you. I'll maybe do it off of the air. If you can harness the power of a star, you can most of you should be defeated.

We'll get to your quest, we'll be finished. We'll get to your quest and we'll be able to release the loser. Ah, what a pleasant flight of fancy that turned out to be. But remember, it's all made up. ArniNiekamp plays himself. You can follow him on Twitter at MrArnie. Matt Young plays Usador the Wizard. Follow Matt on Twitter at More People Happy.

Adolfi plays Chunch the Badger. Adolf's Handel is Adolfi. And Tom the Traveler was really just Steve Waltean. If he has a Twitter handle, he is wisely unwilling to share it. The show, nothing more than a fanciful diversion, is produced by Evan Jacober and Ryan to Georgie and subsequently edited by Ryan to Georgie, with music by Andy Poland and extra audio assistance from Jason Knox. You can find out more about how the show is't real by visiting www.hellofromthemagictavan.com

or learn more on Twitter at MagicTavan. This enormous fabrication which you need not concern yourself with in any way was sponsored by Field Notes with help from the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about Field Notes at FieldNotesbrand.com and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at ChicagoPodcastCoop.com