Hello From The Magic Tavern - 29 - The Scholar (Live from XOXO 2015)

Episode Date: September 17, 2015

Feeling kinda down on my wedding anniversary. Hopefully chatting with a Scholar from the Great Halls Of Terr'Akkas will cheer me up.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungThe Scholar: Craig CackowskiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia: Kate JamesProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanSpecial Episode Art:Winnie SongRecorded Live at: XOXO Festival 2015You can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hey, this is Trisha, the intern. I'm in the purple room. This episode is sponsored by Iron Galaxy. Scream like a school kid with capsule force, the Intergalactic Retro Anime Multiplayer Game now available on PS4 and Steam. Check it out at capsuleforce.com. Oh, and I'm supposed to do that thing where I lie about the podcast being real. I don't know. I think I need you to do the rest, sir. The following podcast is not real and should in no way be considered evidence that there are alternate universes intersecting with your own.

That kind of realization would be a disaster for all the many dimensions, at which don't exist. What I'm saying is the following podcast is not real. But it is really being performed live in Portland, Oregon as part of the XOXO Festival. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. Hi, I'm your host, Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before and I suspect we have many listeners that have never heard this podcast before, here's the quickest explanation of what's going on as I can muster.

About a half a year ago, I fell through a dimensional portal, portal behind a Burger King in Chicago, into the fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal through the portal, I think, from the Burger King, and I used that to upload a podcast I record every week here in the Vermilion Minotaur, a tavern that we're in right now in in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Thun. And I interview adventurers and monsters and creatures every week, and I'm joined every week

by my co-hosts, which include my Boon Companion, Y-M-U-S-D-A-R! Yus-D-A-R! Woo! Wizard of the 12th realm of Ezeus, Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of magical delights, Devourer of chaos, Champion of the Great, Holes the Turakas, the Elves Nomeus, Fee-eng-yallek,

The Dwarves Nomeus, Zonen-Hook Stangies, and I am known throughout the northeast as Gastmanius Mastar. Oh and there may be other secret names, names so powerful to you. You'll never hear them from my lips. You, Sidore, thank you for being here as you always are. I have a quick question for you. Yes. I suspect there might be a number of new listeners who have not heard the podcast before, but for those people who might not have caught your name, I am Yusudor.

Wizard of the 12th realm of EFESIUS, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, the Vowr of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Tornocus, the elves Nomius Fiengelik, the elves know me as fiend, Yalek, the dwarves know me as zone of new extendies, and I am known in the northeast as Gassamwaneas Maystar, and believe me, there were so magical and mystical that they would delight your very soul to the point of its utter destruction. You said, or I have a question, do they have heart attacks in food?

Of course. Of course we have hot attacks. Do you ever fear that like halfway through your name, you're just going to keel over dead one of these days? It is not a major concern that I have. Because my left arm hurts. I'm going to. Oh, no. Oh, no. Because my left arm hurts.

Oh no. Oh no. Is there like a style that's like different? He smells toast. Oh well you know what I feel like I'm neglecting our other co-host. Other co-host. Chant, the talking badger. I'll tell you what I chant, what I really, really chant.

Hello, chant. Hello, chunt. Hello, chunt. Chunt, please. Yes. Oh, chunt. So, when I fell through the dimensional portal behind the Burger King into the magical land of fune. Arnold.

Yes. Did I, did I ever say my name? It's our name. You did. You said your name twice. Are you, are you sure? I can't remember anything that's happened in the last few minutes. I don't think we have time for you to say your name at 30.

I need you to go in this quest with me to defeat the Dark Lord. Only you can save us in all the flus, depending on you. If you don't save us, then who can? I think he's gone into the wizard state. I think you said you're gone into the very intimate wizard state. It's almost like a wizard nap. Yeah, it's time Don't wake it don't hey don't wake him up because if he wakes up, he's just gonna say his name again But he's he's borderline sleeping on my shoulder while he does it. It's a sleep pat his back burp

Do you guys for babies on earth? We do burp babies on earth and thank you for bringing that up because I very much Miss my daughter back home who I have not seen since I've fallen into the land of fune. Yeah, if you want your towel clean, just leave it on the floor. What did he say? He said something about leaving a towel on the floor. I don't know what that is. So, Chuck, you have been one of my best friends since getting here. Okay.

Took me in when I didn't know anything about it. That's an assumption. That's an assumption? To say, to be a friend at someone, I feel like is what you're doing. Like, I'm at, at, you said, oh, the blue, hashtag, awesome. That is correct. Since I host this podcast every week in the Vermilion Minotaur, I have started to introduce the internet a little bit to use the door and

Sean and they've taken to it very quickly. Now the firewall in the Burger King is. What's a river of dreams? A river of dreams? Yeah, I was on the internet and I found river of dreams. Do you are on the wrong part of the internet? It's a later in the middle of the night. Yeah, it's a late Arab Billy Joel song.

You don't want to go that late into Billy Joel. So, Yusidore and Sean have both gotten a little bit addicted to the internet. So I'm practicing to be a good parent, so I'm only allowing them one hour of screen time a day. Oh, he thinks he can control what we do, but little does he know that Yusador has other plans. I think you had a little heart attack just right there. Oh, we call those strokes.

Oh, you call them strokes. Do you have strokes on Earth? Yes, we have strokes. They're just kind of like a reset. Yeah. Like if you're living life too hard, it's just kind of like a reset button. Yeah. It's like, oh, good.

I needed that reset. You don't need to worry. Yep. Don't need to talk to an apothecary about that. Yeah. To save us all. So one of the great things about us having a little bit of internet access here

is for listeners listening to the podcast now, they can email us at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. It's a real email address. It doesn't sound like it. It's the only thing I could get because of the firewall of the Burger King. And listeners can email us questions about the land of fun, which we answer in the second half of the podcast. So anyone listening right now on Earth, it has like a smart device, can email us at MagicTavern at puppies.supplies and we'll answer any brief one sentence questions later on in the show. We would promote that you do that right now.

And if you all brave enough to fight the Burger King in his evil wall of fire, then more of power to you for this potent state of burgers shall be the next focus of my wrath for as soon as I defeat the duck Lord of Foon and save all the women and children of birds who live here this great and wonderful and I shall turn my great eye on that Burger King. Yeah, he shall no longer live in his velvet ropes of purple and grease. Nay, he shall set aside his scepter of friendship fries and he shall fear the coming of Yusudor, wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesious master of light and shadow. I put you to magical light. I put you maybe in my top like top 25 I'm also truckous me yeah, like top 25

They'll know me as being a Drones know me as a woman. I'm so worried about and I know right now. These that's gasway near some a star And believe me that maybe other secret names who do not know yet I'm so powerful that they will destroy your very family back to the beginning of time. Yeah, these names I've said, incredible power. Did you hear that? Did you hear that? I think you're having like delusions.

I know. I could have sworn it was the birds that brought me into this world. I saw them at the end of a tunnel of white light. That's normal, right? You said, or I feel like you're going to die before this episode is over. Good day. I probably put you right at 25. Like you just, you're on the border of 24, 25. So I'm your 25th best friend. I think name your 24 best friends. Well, 25, Arnini Camp. 24 is my friend, Pizza Skull. 24.

I love Pizza Skull. He's a Skull that creates pizza. Yep. 23 would be this beer. Okay. So you like this beer more than you like me. Is that surprising? No, that's fair. That's fair. 22 would be Tunic. Tunic? Yeah.

Alan Tunic? No, I don't know who that is. Tunic is just like... What is that? What is Alan Tunic? Yeah, what what's Alan Tuneck? He's a great actor. He's in a movie. I don't want to really explain what movies are to you guys. He's in a TV series called Firefly. A TV series. There are little boxes of entertainment in my world. The people...

Ah, yes! We have these here as well. You flip up in the box. Another little dancer girl. Mechanical in nature. Does dance and flit about while a little magical tune is played on a box of gears, it is quite delightful. So you'd really consider me your best friend.

Would you consider it your wife, be your best friend? Well my wife, my wife who I miss very much is my best friend, but you're saying that like it's like the way you say I miss her very much is like you're checking in a obligatory box. It seems so forced in mechanics. It seems like when you get married, there are certain things you know that when your spouse comes up, you immediately say, I love them, I miss them.

Well, let me ask you this. In front of her, who's your best friend? In front of her? Good question, John. If she's in the room, if she's in the room, who's your best friend? If she's in the room, she is my best friend. If she's not there, who's your best friend?

On Earth or here? You, John. Okay. I just...in Fune, that would be called sad. For those of you, do you have sadness on earth? We do. For those of you who are new, you should know that Arnold came through the portal, it's Arnold.

For those of you who are... Are you alright? Arnold came through the portal to get away from his family. He's been on the run. No, I accidentally fell through a dimensional portal. I have not been able to get back to Ernie. Tired of his sad and pointless life. Arnold saw his opportunity to get away. He took it as quickly as possible. I miss my wife very much. The only email address I have is magic to have her at puppies.supplies.

I can only imagine it's going through her spam folder on earth. She doesn't listen to podcasts. I'm sure she hasn't heard this podcast to know what's happened to me. All she listens to is Smashmouth. That's her favorite band. If you ever meet my wife, Sarah Miley.

She does love Smashmouth. You have told us this. Yes, say you love Smash Mouth. That's all you should ever talk to her about. Why would that be the first thing that I say? Okay, you could say hello. Hello, I am Usador. Why is it a prelm of a fecesiest?

Why would you do that? I don't know, many people, they'd be late to have magical the lights, the bunch of things. Why? You're the great holes of crockas. The elves of me is feeling yellow, the dwarves of me is so new, and they're new extendies.

And I'm known in the Northeast as Gastro-Mainius Mastar, and then maybe other secret names you do not know yet, Sarah Mahler. I know that you like Smash mouth. That's fair. That's fair. That's fair. So on this podcast, every week we like to interview

adventurers and monsters and people that have just are traveling through the telemorphism. Don't look at me in the eyes while you see it. Please. John, Chuchu. Chuchu. I just want to be, it seems, I mean, it's my animalistic nature taking over to be

stared in the eyes is considered combative. No, really. You are not amongst, you are an adorable little badger right now. That is soon as you make love to some other animal. You'll become that animal. We'll love that animal just as much. Do I tell you I'm dating someone? I did not know that. I'm dating a Wolverine.

A Wolverine? Which is sort of a lateral move, but she's, yeah. Her name is Anne. Her name is Anne Arbor. And she's beautiful. We haven't done, you know, we've just hung out one or two times, but she's beautiful and she's really nice. Hasn't yet sealed the deal. I mean, obviously, obviously.

Yeah. Well, when are you going to bring this Wolverine around for us to meet? I mean, I've told her all about you. Uh-huh. And because of that, she prefers not to be here. Does that make sense? No, it is absolutely. Yes, absolutely.

Do you have a void in Sun Earth? Yes, I do. She wants to avoid you. Do you have toxic relationships? Yeah, I think I'm in one with Junt. Buddy, we're fine. You've been wearing that shirt for six months. It's not just Junt.

It's not just chunned. I never drank before you came here. Really? No, I am lying, but it was effective. It made a point. Look, you guys are my boon companions, and you know, you helped me guide me through the land of Foon, and I would like you to stay here and be my co-host as we interview this week's guests, the scholar, a librarian at the Great Halls of Tarakas.

What? Yeah. Oh, no. Well, I should probably go. No, no, no, stay here. As the scholar, would you please come out? Hello, yes, hello. Yes, I'd say it for the scholar.

Hi. Oh, it's so good to be in the million minotaur. I've rarely get out of the great library of Turokhas. Yeah, I'm so excited to learn more about the Great Halls of Turokhas. I know Yusidor went there. I don't really understand much about it beyond that. I am a champion of the Great Halls of Tarakas, and I won that title in Wizard Battle.

Hmm. Yes. Well, we've got a great library. They do have a good library. Many of my magical tomes I've found there that are essential to my ever-ever going, never ending quest to defeat the Dark Lord. Yay for he does. He now look over all of us and does think his evil thoughts in our direction.

And wish nothing but destruction and hatred upon all of us. Yay, you must defend yourself and close your heart and your mind to his persuasions. Yes, that dark Lord, that should destroy us all. If we let down our God for even one moment, the most imperative thing of all is that I gather 12 strong men, women, elves, dwarves, trolls, and go on a quest to defeat him. And it's relatively easy to get a card there, so... Yeah, yeah. Elves, doves, trolls, and gone a quest to defeat him. And it's relatively easy to get a card there, so... Yeah, yeah. What is it like working as a librarian

in the Great Halls of Trockus? I imagine with all that magical information, it must be quite dangerous. Yes, yes, oh it is. Well, there's prophecies there. Oh yes, they've been there for hundreds of years that I have to decipher. There are some prophecies that have sort of fallen out

of favor. Sure. You know, there's a prophecy, it was really popular maybe 30, 40 years ago. Now, they're sort of like an oldies prophecy section. Yes. Yeah. If you're into that sort of thing,

you can listen to it, but it's not like, so you're like, I'm enjoying this prophecy kind of ironically now. Yes, exactly. A lot of world-ending ones that never came to pass. Yes, sure. Yes, you're up to that.

Or it's like, oh, I really remember loving this prophecy in college. And it's not really a good prophecy, but exactly. I feel like reading it. We have a team of Sears who do the prophecies. Wow. The Sears, Roboc.

They're... Do you have Sears on Earth? Because here, the Sears are pretty powerful and it's always, they bring light to knowledge and we always say come see the brighter side of Sears. Oh, really? I feel like they would work on the softer side, but maybe the brighter side.

Is it softer? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, well. No, well. They're not soft at all. Why did they're literally deer? Oh, yes.

Oh, yes. Yes, they are stags. They are three stags that are linked together by wires. And they're in a pool of goo together. And when they think in a pool of goo together. Oh, and They when they think of a prophecy they whisper it into a jar really yes and Then the prophecy stays within that jar and then you can open it up and listen to the prophecy whenever you'd like Wow, yes when I was but a young wizard of 100 years old and was attending the great halls of Tarakas

to expand my wizard prowess. I did sign up for a prophecy plan. I did pay, but one piece of gold and they sent me 12 prophecies. And then once a month they sent me a prophecy without me asking. That's where they get you, yes. And charge me 25 gold pieces. Well, you can reject that prophecy if you return your card in time. Yes, if you know it in the yesterday.

But most people forget to do that. To scam. Classic prophecy, scam. Speaking of which, you said, you have several overdue books at the library. Ooh. And don't do. I don't know if this is the appropriate forum,

but you always avoid eye contact with me in the great halls. Can I, I don't know if this is awkward? Can I ask what books he has overdue? I don't know. I've, I've swung by, I mean, I call it the OK halls of Trakas because it's fine. Watch it. What, I mean, I know the okay halls of Trakis because it's fine. Watch it. I mean I know there's like spells, like spells one and one and like...

Yes, yes. Luckily I do have a list here. Uh-oh. I'm wearing cargo shorts under this robe so... That's... I find that handy. Yes it is. A lot of pockets.

Yes. A good... Munk's towel is not as good for pockets. Yes. Good. Monks' keels, not as good for pockets as you'd like to throw. No, not your smotrish would wish. So you should tell me if you still have any of the following books. Making it rain and 49 other weather-based spells, you can do it home? Yes, I have that one.

You have that one. Okay. Some of these have been out for hundreds of years or more. Well, I have a lot of things to do. I don't know if it's time to run by the halls of Taurakis and I'll gladly play the fine. Incantations from Alakazam to Zubalizou. Oh, yes, I do have that one. I'm sorry. That's just a scroll. Hey, it's just a scroll. It wins 26 spells on a big deal. scroll. It was 26 spells on a big deal. You can keep it. It's a second one. Alec Kazam. Zubali Zoo. No, that's the last one. Zubali Zoo is the last one.

They're assuming that they're an alphabetical order. What is the second one? Babity Boop. Babity Boop. It's not a full magical creature as I am. It is bibit-y, a bobbit-y. Oh, boo! Oh! Come see the brighter side of Sears. That's mostly to turn gourds into writing devices. Yes, exactly. You can't change it back. Think before you spell. Do you have that one? I lost that one, actually. actually all right crossing it off. I took it I took it when I I

Turned my friend Harrison into a bookcase So wait wait let me get this straight Then I turned the book into Harrison and it was all fine. So you said let me get this straight You borrowed a book from the library called, you can't take it back and lost it, and now you can't take it back. That's right. That's Ionian Action.

Leaky Wands, another tail-tailed signs of WD. Wizard dysfunction. It was far from it. You took that book out, so you were a depressed wizard? Yes, yes, that is my... Lots of self-help here. Oh, yes, yes. Every... Yeah, you are.

You used to know the blue. Yes, I used to know the blue. That is one of my many names. Spin-tax, the unauthorized biographer. Oh, yes. That... Wizard spin-tax, the unauthorized biographer. Oh, yes. That whizz-turt spin-tax. Spin-tax, the green, who thinks he's so great. All he did was dissolve the wall of fire.

Handmaidens of Blurf? No. Never had that. You don't have handmaidens of Blurf. Definitely not. I think that's a mistake. What about handmaidens of Blurf, Alicia's erotic journey? Nope. That heard of it. You don't have handmade in the book. Definitely not. I think that's a mistake. What about handmaidens of blurf, Felicia's erotic journey?

Nope, that's a mistake. Do you have handmaidens of blurf, the dragoncock chronicles? That one, whoa. That one I have. Okay. Wait, what was the last part? I don't know. I haven't made it to the blurf, the dragoncock chronicles.

The dragoncock chronicles. It's the final chapter in the long series of handmaidens of Blurf. And Eprey loved you have that one? I am loving it. Eprey loves about it. I really think I feel like I am a new wizard. It makes me want to go on a trip to Hawaii. Yes.

To where? Hawaii. Oh, that's right. There's an island that we're going to go in. We're going to go in Millers from. Yeah, that's right. So, let's book about a mother wolf training her pup to eat its prey and love it. Oh.

So much inspiring. There's so much, if you're a new listener, there's so much child death and fun. So much child death and fun. I don't want to talk about food and stuff. But I guess I have to. So you know what, real quick, it seems like we've gotten a lot of. Can I get on your phone? No, no, John, I'm sorry. You've already used your hour of screen time.

I'm the Wi-Fi from the Burger King is not as great as I thought it might be. But I'm getting notifications that we're getting a lot of emails, and I guess we'll get that to that in a second. But actually, maybe let's first, while I get those emails, let's take a quick break. And normally we have a sponsor that sponsors the podcast of the Vermilion Minotaur or Bunga Rechubbins at a local owner of Chamber of Pot. But we have a new sponsor this week and I'm not a big fan of the sponsor but I'm going to see the podcast for a few minutes for our sponsor.

Go ahead and take it away, guys. ["Chachoo's Chow"] Hi, everybody. If you are hungry and it's late at night in food, want you to stop by Chachoo's chow. Chachoo's chow is a late night diner owned by myself and used to door the blue. And we're located in the hovering cabin above the purple bug.

And you saw her want you to tell us some of the menu items at Tucho's channel. Prepare for the second delight that you never knew could dance upon your path. Oh, such delicious dishes as pork skull. Pork what? Pork skull. Sundered beef, Green beans and grobs, Saturday morning surprise. And just for our listeners out there, can you go ahead and tell us the ingredients and

preparation for Saturday morning surprise? Saturday morning surprise, you take all of the delicious meals that we're eating on Friday. You scrape the plates off into a casserole dish. You fill that casserole dish with delicious mayonnaise. Then you use only the finest liver pate to fill that dish to the top. Make it for four minutes on 6,000. Then take the blackened squares of that casserole,

serve them to your most hated enemies, and watch them slowly wither into a pile of nothing. That's Chuchu's Chow located in the haunted check, hovering above the purple bog. Come see me, and you can see the sign of the pizza skull, and also Pimbley Nimble bottom will be behind the counter if you want to swing by. Tell them slippery, sencha. Alright, thank you to Chuju's Chao, our sponsor for this episode. Alright, I have an email here. I think some of the people that have her... That's cute!

Some of the people that are in a tavern are steppin' clappin'. That sounds good, by the way. I'm always looking for a good farm to table place. Yes. Yes, everything is locally sourced. Because what else would you do? Do you have on earth do you have tepid applause? Yes, yes. This smash mouth gardener tepid applause. Yes, yes, usually. So, hey, we have an email here to Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. This one is from Sir Bump, who asks, boxers or briefs. Boxers. As a librarian,

I prefer briefs. And I just have sort of a natural like a coding. Yeah, you're just covered in fur. Were you, were you, oh, scholar, were you always a librarian? I am the scholar. I am forbidden to interfere in fools every day activities. Oh. I have no memory of who I was before I was the scholar. Oh, how interesting. When I became the scholar I turned in my name,

my memories in my face. Endure face? Yes. Whose face is this? It's someone else's. My face is kept in a jar by the door. Oh. I always wondered what that was.

Do you ever go to listen to a prophecy and you're like, oh, face jar? Supposedly, if I open the face jar, I will immediately turn to flame. Oh, though that might just be something that the management tells me in order to not look at that. Sure. When my job is done is the scholar, I will return to my previous name, my previous life, and be given my memories back. But you have been the scholar as far as long as I can remember. Yes, for hundreds of years. Well, everyone you know is going to be dead.

Well, Bummer, thank you, Yusudor. Yeah. I just don't know if this is the right career path for you, maybe I haven't thought this through completely. Scar, can I know- It's something to consider. I know you've had your memories taken, but since you've started a new Asda Scholar,

who would you consider your best friend? And know that the term best friends, carry some heft. There's some heft in weight to that. Well, when SpinTech comes into the stacks, he's a real card. I guess he can really brighten my day. He's amazing. Yes, he's fine.

He's a lot of fun, yes. Along those lines, I have an email from Sean McCoy who asks, who is Sean's best friend? Who is your best friend, Sean? Here we go, best friend all time. Hit me. Here we go. This should be the kind of thing that you know. Best, hold on, best friend of all time.

So you know that I'm your 25th best friend. Definitively. But who's number one? That one is a lot. Yeah, I have 26 friends and one I hate. I mean... Could it... it might also be O-Talk Barley Foot to the owner of the familie? He's pretty great. I like... I mean, I love my papi, my papi, my daddy.

Um... So he might... But those who don't know... Chan's father is a hunger ghost. Yes. Yeah, my papi's a hunger ghost. Um... I mean, honestly,

you said or might be my best friend. Like, hmm, suck it. Do you have cheers on earth? In fun, we clink tankards and we say cheers. Yeah, we have that on earth. Sometimes you want to go everybody knows your name. Cheers. Cheers.

I know. Guys. I know. Guys, I know you didn't think that was funny, but people on Earth are loving. I'm sure. All right, fair enough. My best friend is a map I have of food. I like to consider myself a food buff, but other people consider me a buffoon.

Oh. I consider myself a fun buff, but other people consider me a buff fun. Awwww. I, I for one would like to say that I consider you my friend, and as a good friend, wouldn't you like to wave my late fees? My hands are tied, you said, or... Scaler, would you like to... Come to the Chuchu's show for some Saturday morning surprise? Scaler, would you like to be my 25th best friend? Oh, that would be an honor, thank you.

I'll have to bump someone, but that would be... Well, that's natural, yes, that's fine. Well, consider it done. Thank you so much, that's a pleasure. Well I'm gonna turn to the internet to be my friend and Laura Hall asks what has been the most enjoyable form for Chant to obtain if you know what I mean and I think you do. I mean I gotta say being a badger is pretty comfy. Yeah so I really enjoyed that. When I was a bear that is pretty comfy. Yeah, so I really enjoyed that. When I was a bear that felt pretty good just because I

like get a H on my back and just go up against trees and rub my back and stuff. And sometimes, have you ever seen, do you have toilet paper on earth? Yes. Yes. OK, first of all, yes, we do have toilet paper on earth. And second, this is the first I've heard

that we have toilet paper on food. So I've been here for half a year. What have you been doing? I've been here for half a year. I've been in this medieval world for half a year and no one is told me that there's toilet paper. So like when I was a bear and I would like, I would like rub my back and like you know

up against trees and then I'd find some toilet paper and people would see me using toilet paper and be like that's charming or ch- uh, they'd say it's either charming or charming. I can't remember. Oh. Bears are famous for their love of toilet paper. Oh yeah, yeah. You know what I gotta say, people on earth are hate and mad joke. We'll never know. Autoed. Yes. How are you taking care of your commode cleanliness? Well, I'm using to wipe. I've mostly been going outside.

There's sort of that creek that goes behind the Vermilion Minotaur, I've been sort of trying to go in there. Usually I have a bathroom. Look, I've been here for six months. This is the first time anyone has told me that there's a bathroom here. You're a mess. You didn't look for one, I assume. It's like an old, timey world.

Like there's no modern. Maybe the symbols for bathroom in our world and not the same as the ones in your world so you're confused. What are these symbols for the bathrooms here? Well, very simply, the male restroom is represented by the horse stabbing a duck. LAUGHTER

And what is the symbol for a female bathroom? It's like a woman with a skirt, you can tell it's... Is that where you've been going? It's pretty apparent. Okay, I do want to do a couple more quick questions here. Pamela Mullins asks, how many buttholes do you have today, Chant? Today, and for a while, I've had two.

Due to me, I wish upon a great blue tiger, their bones, and I wish for two. I've been a little stuck with two, so. One day, we'll get that, that, that, that, that, triumphant. Here's another one. Can Chant, like all badgers turn around inside his own skin to attack his attackers where they have attacked him

through his own skin? I got to read that again. What? Can Chant like all badgers turn around inside his own skin to attack his attackers where they have attacked him through his own skin? Is his attackers where they have attacked him. For a bad news, a strange... Through his own skin. Is this a palindrome? Michael.

I guess that reads the same way backwards and forwards, yeah. Michael Buffington. Worst... What do you do? What's going on in your life, man? What do you... Are you okay? Yeah, he's on more glurb.

Can I turn inside myself? I cannot turn inside myself. I am not an inside outer, like Mike. Open Mike is our well-known inside outer. Yeah, I mostly eat grubs, spice potatoes, or some people call them spiss potatoes. But I cannot turn inside myself. Kevin McGuire asks, hello, we arrive late. What was the wizard's name again? I am Yusudor.

Wizard of the 12th realm of Eficius, master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great host of the Turakas, the Elves Nomeos Fying Elak, the dwarves Nomeos Donan-Nukes Tangies, and I am known in the northeast as Gastemiteos May Star, and believe me friends, I have names so secret, so powerful that if they were buried in earth, the earth would crack and turn to a volcano, and the names would spew forth, and burn your families and your friends until not was left but sinners.

Hey, scholar. What name did you used to do or check those books out on there? Hank. Hank. This. So is the first guest. Sorry, it's the first guest. Sorry, it's the first guest. Well, scholar, thank you so much. It was pretty easy to track him down. Hank. Yes. So is the first guest. It's the first guest. It's the first guest.

Well, scholar, thank you so much. It was pretty easy to track him down. Yeah. Well, thank you. Thank you so much for being here. And I hope you will come back again the next time you're in Hogsface. Yes. If I still am the scholar.

Oh. Oh. I wonder if we'll know you if you return with a different face. Oh. It reminds me. I have a prophecy I was supposed to deliver. Oh, the dark Lord would be defeated when two knees come together. That is all I must go.

So long. My name is Arni, knee cam. Yes, we've commented on what a stupid name it is several times. Why don't you shorten it to an Arnie camp? Here, there's something... Is there a way for my phone? Yes, I want to next. Kingsley Angumalo asks, what is in the bottle on the wizard's waist?

Well, yeah. It is empty. Simple as that, simple as that. There you go. Fair enough. What can I turn inside myself? Can you turn inside yourself? Easy chunk.

I'm just saying, like, what do you know? I know. I'm on your side. I mean, I just, I mean, there's questions and then there's questions. And look, I know, Chuck, that I'm only your 25th best friend. 26 now, the star's my 25th. But thank you. You found the spiral he goes. Thank you for doing this show with me every week because, and especially this week,

because I'm a little, I'm especially down because today is actually my wedding anniversary and I miss my wife very much and I know she probably, probably ex-wife by now. Good point. Do you, on earth, do you have moving on? I just, do you have pizza delivery men on earth or pull boys, do you have pull boys on earth? I just look sometimes I can look out and I can see the dimensional rift just a little bit and I can't get through it but I can kind of see the stars on earth and it makes me think

of my wife Sarah and hope that she's out there somewhere maybe near the Burger King thinking of me. Somewhere out there. What's happening? Beneath Earth's pale moonlight, my wife's thinking of me. He can't really sing. And missing me tonight. Somebody once told me the world is gonna own me.

I ate the sharpest tool in the shed. She was looking kind of dumb with a finger and a thumb and the shape of an L on her forehead. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, I love you, Sarah, wherever you are. And I know you can't hear me, but happy anniversary.

And hopefully I can get home sometime soon. What's that? Yeah, I'll have a wapper, fries, and coke. Thank you. So what about that dog? Let's have another drink, Sean. Who are you looking at? God, I'm dumb.

Yeah, what do you see up there? Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, See you later. Well, that was a delightful bit of stagecraft, but don't worry, it was in no way concrete evidence that look deeper into this discovery. Mucking around in trans-dimensional technology would only weaken all realities. Or it would, if it were real, which it's so not. Usador the Blue isn't a real wizard but was just Matt Young, who is a real actor if you ignore the day job.

Shunt the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rathai. The scholar was played by special guest Craig Kakowski. You may know Craig from the podcast The Thrilling Adventure Hour and Paul F. Tompkins' Spontania Nation. He's also on Drunk History, currently in its third season on Comedy Central. Arnie's wife Sarah was played by Arnie's real wife Sarah Mar. And this really is their anniversary. So congratulations to them, but why did they have to drag all of us into it?

It's weird, right? Were there other special guests in the show? Who can say? I pre-recorded all of this days ago, so cut me some slack exo-exo festival. Some of us didn't get to take the trip to lovely Portland, even though we're a fairly critical part of the entire operation. It would be great if I got at least a t-shirt or something. Well, it would be great if I got a t-shirt if I were real, which I'm not.

Forget any of this ever happened. Thank you to both Andes. Go back to your festival enjoying lives as if this was a crudely improvised collection of make-em-ups, which it was. Good night, Portland. And please, someone get me Merlin Man's autograph. Oh, and before you, hi, this is Trisha again. As always, the podcast was produced by Evan Jacobo and Ryan DeGeorgi, and this one was edited by Ryan DeGeorgi. And it was sponsored by Iron Galaxy with the help from the Chicago podcast co-op.

Check out Iron Galaxy's capsule force at capsuleforce.com and learn more about the Chicago podcast co-op at Chicagopodcastco-op.com? I think that's it. Shh. I heard you. Yes, stop. Stop it. Go away.

Stop talking to me, Lucy. You're dead. No one can hear you. Thank you for listening.