Hello From The Magic Tavern - 3 - Flower

Episode Date: March 19, 2015

This week a talking flower named Flower will join Chunt, Usidore and I. She looks really sweet. I think we'll be good friends.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungFlower: Brooke BreitMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Evan Jacover and NOT Ryan DiGiorgi.Theme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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No this, the podcast which follows is not real, but it is really sponsored by Inventables, the hardware store for designers. Learn more about Carvy, their new 3D Carving Machine at Inventables.com Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical world of Foon. I'm your host Arjeni Camp. I'm your host, Arjeni Camp. I'm from Earth, the city of Chicago. And about three weeks ago, I fell through a magical portal behind a Burger King into the world of fun. It's sort of a weird medieval land. Would you guys describe it as a weird medieval land?

I don't know if I would categorize it as weird. You just say it's home. Okay. Well, it's a magical land, and luckily luckily I'm getting a slight Wi-Fi signal still through the portal from the Burger King. So I'm able to do a weekly podcast in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the land of food. Can I ask you something about Wi-Fi?

I don't. Here in food, Wi-Fi is short for a witch's fight. Is that? It's not a witch's fight. OK. This is a podcast where I'm sort of interested in exploring how Foon works and things about Foon. I'm not really that interested in explaining stuff from my world to you guys because-

Well I think your world sounds weird. Well my world I'm sure is weird to you guys but the people listening to this podcast will be in my world and they don't really want to listen to me explain what Wi-Fi is. But they do are really interested in intricacies of food, so... Well I'm sorry you've found a place to stay and live here and that you've been well taking care of by your friend Shunt and that you've found food and shelter here. What a weird place, what a terrible place for you to be. Why don't my two regulars introduce themselves?

Uh, Yusador, why don't you introduce yourself? Well, I am Yusador. Wizard of the twelfth realm of Ephesius, Grandmaster of Light and Shadow, Nipulator of Magical Delights, Devour of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarakas, The Hills Nomi is fying Yalak.

The Dwarves Nomi is, Zoning Hugu Stangs, by Known in the North East is Kasmuanus Mastar, and I don't think that this place is weird. Do you always go through the full name? Do you ever like introduce yourself with just part of it? Why would I do that? I don't know. Like, do you need to get all the way to Zonen Hugu stangs? Well, of course I do, because I am Yusudor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Grandmaster of Light and Shadow,

manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the Great Holes of T'Rakas! The elves know me as fearing Yalek, the dwarves know me as Zonin Hougastangs, in the northeast I've known as Gatsmoynes Maestar, and there may be other names you do not know yet. And I'm Chant, this is Chant. Yep, and I had an extra fun to use to call me Chanty, but those are the only two names I've ever gunned by. And this is important for the listeners at home who haven't heard previous episodes. Chunt is a talking badger. Yeah.

Well, not always. I am a shape shifter. So currently I'm in a... We don't need to go. I don't feel like we don't need to start every episode by talking about how you change forms. He does it through the act of quietness. We just always go right into talking about beastiality.

You're right at the beginning of a pie. I guess that's not a beastiality if you're a beast when you're doing it. That's justality. That's true. That's true. Okay, well, you know what? I'm excited because we have a guest for this episode. It is someone who has brought to our table a potted plant, a talking

flower. Yeah, my name is Flower, and I'm just just who I am and where I am sitting in this pot. I'm going to tell you that like I don't always choose where I get to go. I have to time them asleep and then I wake up and I'm somewhere else so that's cool. So people just move you just move your pot around? Yeah, it's a little intrusive. Like it's not what I would choose to do, but it's sort of my situation.

I'm not being new to food. How common is it for plants to talk? I once knew a grapevine that's liked to do a crossword, but it did not speak. Did it gossip? Yes. Of course it did. It was put a little clues in the crossword that told you things about the people who

had been making wine. A crossword is a puzzle we have here where it's through. Yes, I'm sorry, I should have explained that. Words are horizontally in. Yeah, vertically. Yeah, we have crosswords in all my words. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought everything here was so weird It's weird

Well, apparently crosswords are perfectly normal It's a little surprising that you have crosswords Like give me an example of a crossword clue that you would do on a regular crossword I just be careful to not... I'm not sure how things are where you're from But don't piss off a wizard. Okay. Because so far you've called our world weird. Is that he's taken great offense?

And I just be careful to not piss off a wizard. I'm... you know, I think maybe where I come from the word weird is a little devalued and we throw it around a little bit. Like I'm sorry if weird is like a borderline offensive term. I'm also gonna take four flower to get a drink around here. Oh I'm sorry, what do you do on some water? Not, it's just like red wine. Red wine. Okay yeah, totally.

A full body red wine. A full body red wine. Yeah, it's for a red wine. Marquee, a red wine here. Thank you for the mar my roots? Uh, okay, great. So, uh, so I'm sorry, I apologize about calling Foon weird. It's, um, fascinating. It's a fascinating world.

Ah, yes it is. Fascinating. But let's learn more about our fascinating guests. So, flower. Yeah. What is your story? I'm a really good interviewer, by the way. Kids won't great. That's why I need the wine, because I'm a really good interviewer, by the way.

Kids won't great. That's why I need the wine, because I'm so fucking fascinated with everything you're, what? No, no, that's great. I was just, I wasn't expecting. You're just such a beautiful little flower. I wasn't expecting that language.

Maybe you should put your eyes somewhere else, because you're really making me uncomfortable. You creeping me out, man. Just chill and fuck out. Oh, okay. Hey, Arnie real quick. I wouldn't piss off a talking flower. On the, unlike the hierarchy of vids.

Wizard and flower. Wizard and flower. Like how is it more dangerous to piss off a flower than a wizard? No. Let me put it like this. You see that Stein you're drinking out of? That used to be a guy that pissed off you, so totally.

But I still don't understand what the consequences of pissing off a flower was. You know that I will destroy you in ways that are emotional. Okay. I would say the order of things you do not want to piss off in fune would be wizard, dragon, flower, monkey, chunt, real estate agent. Flower, okay, I have a couple. Yes, chunt, yeah.

Couple of follow-up questions. One, flower seems awfully high to me. I'm sorry. You know, you can't even control where you are. If there's any danger of me being attacked by a flower, I just move you to the other side of the town. You ever have someone say something to you and then it upsets you so deeply like years later you can't get over it? That's a kind of shit I'm gonna do to you.

Okay, I will take you down from me inside. I suppose Arnold that you're the type of person. Cyber for her, no. I suppose you're the type of person who does not want the beauty of a flower in your life. If you angle a flower, you take the type of person who does not want the beauty of a flower in your life. If you angle a flower, you take the chance that that beauty is sucked out of your life, that's a very wonder of this world, the very magic of the world that you find so weird. We'll be stricken from your eyes. You want every flower that you walk past, to wilt, to close its petals so that you cannot see it?

Yes, maybe it won't attack you or eat your face or burn you alive or turn you into a Stein. Pissing off a flower is a great offence here. Okay, I humbly apologize. It's okay, I'm not pissed off yet, but I'm also not drunk yet, so maybe we should get that happening. Yeah, your whine has just arrived. Let me have a look. I think we should probably, if I may suggest, play a quick round of Dragon's Talon, just a game to put everyone in the East.

Yeah, yes, that was wonderful. If you're not sure what Dragon's Talon is, we just go around and we each say a compliment about one another. Okay, that's a game. It's a technique used, it's, children played as a game, but as adults use it as a technique

to diffuse situations where one or more parties are upset. As you travel along the road here, are you coming contact with many creatures and beans from other parts of the realm and you must play this game in order to gain the trust and build community here? So it's like a nice breaker. It's just so when you meet someone new You pay them a compliment. They pay you a compliment. It just sort of says, you know, I don't see what you know

There's we have no quarrel. There's no need to break ice What is breaking ice around everybody here? I don't I'm sorry the things from my world I don't want to spend a lot of time explaining. It's just an expression we have for what you just described. Ice break. Ice break. Ice break. Well, let's play Dragon's Talent. All right, so we just go around,

how do we order a week? Do you mind starting? Also, yeah. So you, Sador, I think you have eyes like a hurricane. I think your eyes are the most beautiful, hazel green, I've ever seen. Right, I thank you greatly for this chunt and do believe it is true for I can call the van, powers of the winds to my command.

Flower, I think your petals, the way they are arranged, is just very aesthetically pleasing. Thank you. Arnie, you have been sleeping until 2pm. And that's a compliment. That is well. Thank you. I'll take that. I shall go next.

Okay, use it or? Shunt, I find that your belt is glossy and full and very attractive. I accept, thank you. If I were not a wizard, born of birds and wind and fire, then I would make love to myself. Well, then I'd become a wizard and that would be a great, great honor. Flower. Yeah. I find your attitude quite tenacious. For one trapped in a flower plant to speak her mind so freely is truly inspiring. I mean, I guess, thank you.

Except I don't consider myself trapped in a flower plant. I am a flower. Oh, well, you did say that people didn't move you around. They do move me around, that is true. I know, I didn't look at myself that way. You're making me take a look at myself, and that's something I don't do a lot, so thank you. You're welcome. Arnold, I like your shirt.

Thank you. That's, we broke us. Great, we did break ice. Is it my turn? Okay, Chant, you've been very generous to let me stay with you and your hobbles. Since, you know, I have no money or anything here in Foon. I really appreciate you being such a great host.

Sure, your company is payment enough. Oh, great, pretty fast. For now. Yousador, I have never met a wizard before and I'm just impressed by your general wizardry. Wow, thank you. Flower. You soaked up that wine so fast. Mama needs another one. Okay, you're still. Bar keep another wine! I just you know where I come from you know I'm from Chicago. The land of Chicago is a drinking town so I really appreciate how quickly

you can belt down that wine. Yeah it feels good everywhere. It goes through my whole system. So like it just kind of how quickly does the wine get to your brain? I don't know I don't you know it just feels good and if you want to do something that feels good people do it. People figure it out like how it works. I'll tell you how you sit on yourself. I agree with you flower. If something feels good you should do it. You are absolutely correct. Do you know what would feel good defeating the Dark Lord? You said, well, you joined me in my quest to defeat the Dark Lord. He's always, he's got a quest that he's trying to get beat, but no one.

All right. Let's move on. Let's finish the game. Let's finish the game. I'm sorry. I do want to finish the game. Have you had any success in the last few weeks getting anyone on your team of adventurers to go fight the Dark Lord? How do you categorize success? I find myself very successful. Perhaps I, you know, that's not exactly what my creators had admired when they created me and sometimes perhaps when I speak to them they seem disappointed with where I have landed in my wizarding career but I would say overall you can't compare yourself to other wizards you know if you look at like let's

say a spintax the green yeah spintax the yeah yes everyone, Spintax, he will do that. Yes, everyone knows Spintax is a wonderful wizard. No, I have no Spintax. Yeah, no Spintax. To feed it some amazing foes in his time. But, you know, we have everyone has their own journey. Okay, well, let's, okay, so uh... Flour. Yeah, guys, stop to say.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna be honest with everybody because like, as I said, I just see here, I take it all and I look at everybody and I got opinions, like'm gonna be honest with everybody because like as I said I just say here I take it all in, I look at everybody and I got opinions, like a lot of opinions. I'm like I'm just gonna say what I think about you. It might be a compliment and might not. I don't know the difference because I'm a flower. Just to be clear I think the point of the game is compliments right? Well the game can change.

Yes and she clearly said that she's a flower so she doesn't know the different string compliments and insults Okay, I just know what I say and how I feel Okay, okay, you have a lot to learn about giving and receiving respect and right now you're being kind of a dick Do you expect a flower to understand the concept of what is insult? Anyone is not okay, okay a flower, please, please okay? Sean You seem like you seem a please, please. Okay, chant. You seem like you've seen a lot of sadness.

Well, thank you. Thank you. I've been told they have sad eyes. Seems like an accurate observation. Yeah, like you've seen sadness and then it just reflects back at you all the time that you just, that's just what I think of you. That is the most cutting to the core statement and truth-filled observation I've ever received.

Thank you so much for that. Yeah, you don't have to like butter me up for that shit. Like I'll just say and you can just take it. Great. Wow, you see people. Yeah. Falcon flower. You store.

Oh, if you have what comes next. I think you have a great hill to climb. Literally or figuratively. I don't know. I do live at the top of a hill. I can tell. You look tired, but you have more to do. Do you have a great hill to climb?

I'm so really sad about living at the top of a hill. Nobody likes to live at the top of the hill. No way! Nice to live at the top of the hill. Okay, I do me next. Arnie, you processed air somewhat efficiently. Don't hurt. Thank you. Thank you.

I do. I do process air fairly efficiently. Somewhat. Not like. There's more you could I do. I do process there fairly efficiently. Some what? Some what? There's more you could be doing. Sure. Thank you for the oxygen. Well, you and Chantdo create the very air that is shared here

with this is this flower. I want to know how I could kill myself right now. Oh god. Oh, oh, oh. I'm so miserable. Well, here we go. This is, um, this is it. I mean, if a flower ever in our land,

if a flower once it killed, so you have to assist. I won't kill myself every day. You have to, it's law. It's magical law. You have to assist the flower. The one to the flower. So if flower wants to die, we have to assist her in her journey to the flower. The one to the flower. So if flower wants to die, we have to assist her in her journey to the future. You can try, I've tried so many times.

Flower, how would you like to die? Just like, end it, man. I gotta say it's probably not that hard. What? I mean, emotionally, I'm trying to think that I'm trying to do something. I'm trying to think that I'm trying to do something. I'm trying to think that I'm trying to do something.

I'm trying to think that I'm trying to do something. I'm trying to think that I'm trying to do something. I'm trying to think that I'm trying to do something. I'm trying to think that I'm trying to do something. I'm trying to think that I'm trying to do something. I'm trying to think that I'm trying to do something. I'm trying to think that I'm trying to do something. I'm trying to think that I'm trying like killing another thing is hard, but look you're just a fragile little flower in a pot like just Don't just rip off her petal you Oh my god, you know what? I don't want to die anymore. I want to see you fucking stuff for your piece of shit I mean are you kidding me? That's good are you kidding me? I say Don't know if that's true you've given her purpose to go on but her

purpose now was to destroy you and I follow you everywhere I'm gonna find you I look I'm so sorry if I hurt your feelings you're not gonna be able to follow me you're not gonna be able to follow me you will need help you will need a lot of help to follow me I can walk across this room right now and you cannot follow. Flower, this I swear to you. Wherever all this goes, I shall take you and you shall be right there. For I am, you should all. Wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius.

Grandmaster of Light and Shadow, manipulator of magical delights. Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarakas. The Elznobius free-airing Yalak. The dwarvesnobius, Zooning, Hugu Stangs, and I know the Northeast's gas-mainus may star. Why do you speak in the middle of me, save my name? Just a Hugu Stank, why not? Do you have, and where you come from,

if someone wants to kill themselves, are you not obligated to assist them? No, well, I mean, it's very complicated issue where I come from. You are not obligated to sound weird. You should. Yeah, your play obligated. It sounds weird. You should. Yeah, your play sounds weird.

It is weird. So here, if someone wants to die, you just have to immediately. Or just a flower. Just a flower. Just want to flower once a day. Look. I'm sorry.

I feel like I've been doing a pretty good job in food so far. Like I'm a stranger in a strange land land pretty high praise from a self-assessment Yeah, you playing the game by yourself is he's giving yourself a compliment? Well, you know what? No, you know what? I'm talking about that good news. No one gave me a compliment Everybody gave you a compliment. I like your shirt. I like your shirt. I like your very shitty compliment. I would wear that shirt. Look you you said or in chug you were practically having sex with each other I like your shirt. I like your shirt. I like your shirt. I like your shirt. I like your shirt. We're very shitty compliments.

I would wear that shirt. Look, you were practically having sex with each other. You were going on and on about like how great each other looked. Is there something wrong with sex? There's nothing wrong with sex. It's a beautiful natural act. Look, I've been, it's been, I know I put on a brave face, but it's been kind of hard being away from home.

And I think I'm doing a decent job of adjusting. And for some reason, I've gotten on the wrong side of this flower. For me, sing your song. Yeah, that would be nice. You are so stupid. That's a...you can stop. You have a piece here.

Flower, flower. Flour is funny. Flour, I must intervene here. Why? Arnold has spared his soul to us, Arnold. His beard is soul to us, and I shall rise to the call. Yes, Arnold, we will help you kill yourself. No, that's not what I was asking. Oh, you sure? Yeah. All right, you know what? I think, not too late. I think it's about time that we wrap things up. So here's Yusadore, Sean, thank you so much for being back and you are welcome back every

week and I hope that you come back every week for the podcast. Flower, when this is done, I'm going to throw you off a cliff. That's what she wants. That's what she wants. I'm looking at love it. That was wonderful. I love you. You want me. Thank you. Never see flower again because I know fucking the roar off a car. Don't count the flower out yet. I'd be fine with this. I was fucking like a vacation. I'd like to take you are going to be dead or shattered stuck at the bottom

of this clip. Where you won't be able to get back to me. No, you waited till the very end. Did you just lay it all out, didn't you? Like, you just sat there all nice, like we're playing Michael friends, and then at the very end, you whole plan comes out. I am going to throw you off a cliff.

I'm sorry, you drug flower. Who's paying for your drinks, by the way? Everybody loves me. No. All right. Well, thanks so much for listening, everybody. Before we go, I want to please ask that if you haven't subscribed to this podcast on iTunes, give us a review,

give us some stars. And also, I'm having some trouble with my email. I guess maybe there's the firewall from the Burger King that I'm getting the Wi-Fi from. It blocks most sites, so I haven't been able to get in contact with people in my life. I have however been able to set up a new email account at the new email is Magic Taavron at puppies.supplies. That was just the only, that was just the only thing that I could get. I swear it is real.

No one has responded to my email so far. Have you contacted your wife yet? I'm trying to email my wife. I'm assuming she doesn't recognize the email address. It's probably going to her spam account, but Sarah, if you're listening, please, if you get an email from MagicTavr and at puppies.supplies, it's from me. Also, if you would like to email us and ask us some questions about the world of Foon,

please do an email us at MagicTavern at puppies.supplies. I know it's not a common.com or .net or .org, but it is a really email address MagicTavern at puppies.supplies. Thank you so much, everyone for being here except for flower. I'm going to throw off a fucking clip. Well, what a fanciful bit of imagining that was, but remember, it's all pretend. Arni-ni camp plays Arni. Math Young is usador the wizard. Adel-Refi is Chant, and Flower was played by special guest Brooke Bright, who performs all over the land of Chicago, including in Second City, the annoyance, and with Io Chicago's

world news tonight. This entire fantastical scenario is produced by Evan Jacober and Ryan DeGeorgie, and edited by Ryan DeGeorgie, when music is called for, and he polins supplies it. If you're the type of person that likes to gather volumes of information on pretend subjects, visit www.hellofromthemagictavon.com or learn more on Twitter at MagicTavon. All of these sweeping untruths were sponsored by Inventables with help from the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about Inventables at Inventables.com and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at ChicagoPodcastCoop.com. you