Hello From The Magic Tavern - 36 - Low Battery

Episode Date: November 6, 2015

Sorry, everyone. I've been having some computer trouble. I hope we make it through this episode okay because we have an awesome guest. Fingers crossed!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt Young Mysterious Man: Tim SniffenTricia:  Kate JamesCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Evan JacoverTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Visit FieldNotesBrand.com or 400 NorthMail. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host, Arne Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is essentially what's going on. Several, a little over a half a year ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king into the magical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the burger king through the dimensional riff, and I use that to upload a podcast I record every week here in the tavern the Vermilion Minotaur in the town of Hogg's face in the world of Thune and I'm

joined as always by my co-host. Hello. John, to the shape shifter slash talking badger. That's me there's no slash necessary. There's no slash. I'm just a shape shifter. Well but I have always known you for the most part of the talking badger. Yeah I don't know I mean I'm a shape shifter, that's what I am. Mm-hmm. But if the shape shifter isn't shape shifting shapes, how many shapes does the shape shifter? I don't wanna play this game.

Okay, fair enough, and I'm also a giant. I am Yusador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Minimum Leader of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Holes of Tarakus, the Elves Nobius VIII, the Dwarves Nobius Zonen in Hukstenges, and I am known in the North East as Gaspoidius Mersar. If you were wearing like a pseudo armor, I wouldn't say hey, it's a suit of armor because you're you are a human right? Yeah, so I wouldn't confuse you with a suit of armor does that make sense? Yeah, that's true But so do you think the conversation is done okay? When I said does that make sense that was a rhetorical What we why are we explaining things to all I don of us if they are going to sink through his incredibly dense

He's still he's still every time you say your intro he says feline and zealog I know I don't know what that means. I don't think he does either. I know really is an intro I've been getting a lot of emails. I asked for people to say whether I should go back to saying who bestank or I should stick with feline Zealog. Did you give them the option to just stop in general not say those things that's the winner universally everyone things as you go back to who bestank some people think I'm saying feline zele it I'm actually saying feline zele which is a Woody Allen movie it doesn't really make any more sense I don't know I'm gonna take a little more time to think about it I think from yes please spend an entire week without a job thinking about this

I'm from now on. I'm not gonna say either for the time being while I think on it And I'm probably when you say your name gonna leave the room. How will you know it's me? Can you do like are you able to do like a shortened version? Can you be like? Just start using like initials or use like shortened terms. Yes, here I go. Here's the shortened version. I'm used to it with the Wizzards. Wizzards are 12 from the Wizzards.

Massive light shadows. I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like,

I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, like, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was Okay, so that's what I'm gonna do for a little while. I'm just gonna run to the other side of the room, so I'm not, so I'll just think about it during that time, and I'll come up with what to do next. What if I'm in a pasta?

Yeah, this would be great. How dare you, sir! How dare you! Yeah, if you ever wanna check in, make sure we're not a memory Grimland who's acting as John Rie's hit, or you can just fuck us if that's... Ugh, but, you know fuck us Oh, boy.

You know, I want to, before we introduce our guest, I really want to talk about, and Yusidor, and you spend a lot more time on Twitter than I do. Did you guys know SpinTax, the green is on Twitter now? Oh, I noticed what that whizz turned is up to. You see what I've done there I've taken the name wizard and I have inserted a turd into it much as spin taxes done to me my entire life yeah well anyways you want actually inserted a turd into me oh I don't want to know more about that

but I'll show you later. Oh, the... Hey, we might have some trouble. Mike, you said, you know the spell that you use the tiny lightning to charge. A minute-scoot lightning! Yeah, I'm... My laptop is dying, the battery. Oh.

We might lose... Wait, your laptop is dying? I didn't know your laptop could die. What's the matter? You know, the battery is running out of resources. Is it just... No, it's about to... I think it's about to crash

Is it gonna die or is it gonna crash? I hear let me throw all the circle and the shapes that I must set it inside the cast in plantation Give me it. Who's got a piece of chalk? That's my truck. Who's got a truck? Anybody have chalk? Give me! Trisha, if you could join me in the orange chamber? Um, sure. Is...what is this about? Should I bring a notepad or my...

Well, please, yes, please bring a notepad and a writing implement. Okay. I just wanted to do this while they're yammering on. We have some time before they're finished. Do you want to start the meeting? I don't know why I'm here. Thank you. Yes, I would like to start the meeting. Let's ring the meeting chime. And...

Very good. Meeting has begun. I am... grossly disappointed in your internship, Trisha. What? I thought about it carefully. I am grossly disappointed in your internship, Trisha. What? I thought about it carefully. There were many adjectives I cast aside in favor of grossly.

I don't understand. I guess I haven't received any information that would indicate, do better, Trisha, do better. I don't know that you can, Trisha. I think it's too late for that. I think that I've done the best that I... Do you want some crying powder? I don't need any crying powder.

I think I've done the best that I can. I know you always have it with you because you think that I'm going to cry and I'm not going to cry, even though my voice is doing this thing. I just thought that I can do the best which I feel that I don't want you alive for being the new look and be like,

better than I don't know what to say. It is sooo horrible. I know. I know. It's my fault. I told myself I wouldn't do this. Do you know what it's like to be the only intern here? No.

The only woman here? No. I don't know either of those things. I created the internship program and I mailed through and through. Hey, I don't know if this is a bad time. Um, I was hoping one of you guys could help me have been here for a little while now and I'm kind of looking to, uh, get back to Earth because I, gathering this is some sort of space, uh, station of some kind. I-I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Who-Who are you? Who is this?

This is Greg. Yeah, I was-uh, I'm supposed to stop. Greg? Yeah. Where did you-how-you've been here for how long? We-how long? We can a half times-it seems like time might be- Yes, in your Earth time, Greg, it would be yes, about ten days, I believe. He came to replenish the vending machines. And he's been here the whole time, or if you've been?

Just all over. I've been in the break room a lot. I've been in a room where I was on the ceiling for a while. Yes, he was in the green chamber. That felt like I was in there a long time. I don't know how many, and I've been in there. Yes, I fixed that. It would have been the phrase for an eternity.

OK, but I fixed that. I feel a lot older. And Bravo for not going insane. Oh, oh, thank you. That's great. Anyway, again, very complicated. Not really my forte. So if, if either of you could just, I assume there's a way to get back,

like a teleportation thing or something. Ha ha ha. Oh, I'm sorry. Let me just indulge my own enjoyment in the phrase, teleportation thing. This is not really my, I don't know the technical terms for any of the, what is this place? Jai, I've been afraid to- You have to ask to that.

I can't answer those questions. I'm not allowed. I think the question we're all really avoiding is have the vending machines been replenished? Yeah, wait, how many are there on the ship? There's six, and then when you speak the phrase, those six shrink into 36 of them, which then shrink into a larger grid, and it's beautiful if you ask me, and they go in an eternal loop backwards.

So are all of those replenished? I did five of the six, maybe when they split that will be well That will get us through the weekend. Okay, well, I do have Got some extra here. What kind of stuff do you guys like I got chips I get I'm not allowed to eat any of it So it doesn't matter. Okay Like not even like diet stuff or what are you don't like? I'm not allowed near the vending machines. After what happened, please finish the thought. It was a mistake. My vending machines rights have been revoked.

You'll notice there is no aqua chamber in this space bunker any longer. Didn't notice. I guess I didn't know. No, you wouldn't. You wouldn't. It's not here anymore. And some of our finest things were in the aqua chamber. It was just more things.

I don't know if they were the finest things. Oh, they were the finest. It was a mistake, everybody, in their first week on a job. It hits the exact mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes.

It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes.

It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. It makes the mistakes. I have digit code that transforms one of the vending machines into a reverse polarity vortex. I'm pretty sure that's the one I didn't get around to filling, because it's looked like some sort of... Yes. ...some sort of beast was guarding it. I don't know if that's the case. Oh yes, Corvo. I didn't, I don't know his name.

Well, I mean, once I dehydrate him, he won't be any trouble. Okay, well I can just leave all the snacks, that's fine. Hmm, in exchange for what? Just, I don't know if you want to just get me back to Earth real quick, that'd be great. Just snap me back. However you do it, I'm sure there's a way. Trisha, again, portal maintenance. I...

I... it's in the binders, and it's also... I'm on my list of things to get to, and I haven't been able to get to them because there are several other things on the list, and sometimes it's hard. When your boss does not prioritize what? Can you excuse us? Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, it's totally fine. Whatever it is, Craig can't hear this. This was weird for me too, so maybe I can be outside or again, if you just want to send

me back to Earth. I would not recommend going outside. Okay, just in the hall. I'm just like with the hallway. Oh, well the hallway is fine. I wanted to say, if you don't want to be burned alive in a sort of viscous ultraviolet gel, I would not go outside. So is this a recent space?

Is that- But the hallway is fine. Okay. I'm going to be- I'll just step out. This is- this is what I'm talking about. That nice man came in here with a simple desire. All he wants to do is go home. I know did you see his shoes?

I'm sorry, I'm just gonna take some of these with me. Oh, very good. I mean, who wears those for me more? What was wrong with the shoes? I didn't even look at them. They were touching his pants. Who does that? I told you. See, this is fun.

This is what I've always enjoyed with you, these little talks. So this makes me think like, okay, so when Craig isn't here, like, who are you making fun of? Does nobody else put me? I mean, based on some of the other feedback you've given me, I'm trying to find some sort of a positive way forward. It sounds like you would like me to find some dead bodies and re-animate them, so you might have some people to voice your concerns to Oh, no, that is no that is exactly it right you you have this way of taking my concerns and what I want I mean, it's just it's just dead bodies. No, you don't allow me in the bedroom

You've never allowed me in the baseroom. This is what I'm talking about. It's not about the baseroom It's about the level of trust you have bestowed upon me. I've been here for months And all you let me do is like menial tasks and when the big things go wrong you're like oh Tishie have disappointed me and I'm like I don't know what to do to please you. Well this is shocking this is a torrent of new information all the world. Well we never said a side time to talk you know you're always just like I mean what is it about a craig that brings this out in you? This is just another human being. What did you say Tricia? I'm sorry I heard my name I just I saw outside there was I don't know if it's some kind of directory, but there was some kind of Signed for like pods are those like vehicles of any kind because if

Teleportation is not an option. I'm happy to you. You make quick trainer on how to fly one of these I I honestly can't imagine a quick trainer On operating one of the pods. It's a neural interface combined with it gets most of its directions off of minor imperfections in your skin. And controlling that is not easy. There's no auto way to do it or anything like that. No, there's no auto way to do it. Trisha, now I know you've often been caught glancing at the all-access

card that dangles from the iron ring permanently fused to my hip. Yes. I think it's time to finally trust you. What? Beginning with the beige room. What? Yes. Here it is. Go on. Pull it from the ring. I don't know. I'm permanently fused from my hip. That's appropriate. Can you just detach it? I don't to my hands appropriate. Can you just detach it and hand it to me? You just pull it just pull it just pull it. I don't I really feel like an HR thing. I like this feels weird. I feel like I hear all day if you don't pull it. I know, but I just can you please respect my boundaries? All right. Trigger warning. I'm going to have to unveil a full third of my body to reach the key.

Are these the imperfections in the skin? I'm saying that you were talking about them. Yes, these give me access to all points of space and time that the pods might bring one to. It's hypnotic. I mean these imperfections are money in the bank when it comes to steering a pod. Look at your ivory marbled skin. The pod wouldn't know what to do with that. I decided to take actions into my own hands and be the woman that I have been journaling about. Good job. Thank you. So, I believe that there are a couple of options here. We could investigate a way to operate the pod and I could get the owner manual out and I could possibly help you. Yeah.

Um, I'm going to take action. I'm going to take action into my own hands and be the woman that I have been journaling about. Good job. Thank you. Um, so, I believe that there are a couple of options here. We could investigate a way to operate the pod and I could get the owner manual out and I could possibly help you. Yeah.

But I'm kind of intrigued by the bejaroom because like, Well, what if I told you there's a spare copy of the manual that operates the pods in the bejaro? Among all the dead bodies. Exactly, right underneath them all. Okay, this feels like one of those riddles where it's like you have a bag of rice and a

chicken and a stream and you have to like... Sounds delicious. Yes. Okay. That's one of my favorite first dates. Nothing but me, a mermaid, a bag of rice, a chicken, a river, a block of ice, a single strand of rope, a tarnished candlestick, and a can-do attitude. All right.

I feel like a lot of your stories are made up, and I feel the freedom to say that now that I possess the card. Well, find out if I'm telling the truth about the beige room by leading us onward, Trisha. Okay, if everyone can follow me this way, please watch her stepcrag. Hello? Can anybody hear me? This is Kern. I've been drifting around the grass-forn galaxy for some time now. I need your help. I'm worried about my rations. You see, I have lots of dip, but very little chips left.

I thought I had the perfect ratio, but no, I botched it. So if you're out there, please send me something to dip with chips, crackers, hell, even veggies. It doesn't matter. I don't want to starve, but I also don't want to be a savage. Please help! Pfft! Um, I just... I'm gonna need a moment to survive. That's fine.

That's fine. I probably could have told you that it's not just dead people. It was hundreds of dead versions of yourself that have been here before. Yeah, it may have been a piece of the puzzle that I would have held. Many of them were wearing outfits that I would never buy or wear. But now you can finally understand Trisha. You've been in this bunker thousands of times, each of them ending up dead and going directly into the

bedroom. I mean, you're really taking all the focus right now. Craig is fine. I mean, it didn't seem that weird to me. I mean, Craig, because they weren't dead bodies of you, okay? I know we've just met only moments ago, but like, you seem like a cool dude, but no offense, you deliver stacks for a living.

Are you done lording the fact that all the dead bodies were you over? No, I'm not done lording the fact of that. I think that that is bizarre, and I think that what you sir are, you are a bully. I am telling you right now that I'm not a bully. Not a therese bully. No, that's exactly what a bully would say.

It does seem like there is sort of an unhealthy relationship here as a third-grad. Thank you, Craig. Oh, look who's shifting allegiances. No, no, no, no. Whoever, what's one of you? I'd be like an untended vending machine, crag to use a metaphor that you might understand. Can I, do you like peanut butter?

Who doesn't like peanut butter? I don't know if I like peanut butter because I'm never allowed to have the snacks. Do you know that one of those bodies in the beige room was killed only by peanut butter? Yes, because I am allergic. They didn't die for meeting it. That would be easy. No. They were killed emotionally from the peanut butter.

Alright, okay, you know what? Mm-hmm. This is where I stand up and I say, enough is enough. Oh, this is what you're trying to say just before you die. You are the type of woman that can take charge, and this internship is not everything. You don't need it. Oh, the base room ready for one more.

So if you don't mind, I would like to take this manual and press these buttons. Is that... I am sure she won't be able to figure out the manual in time. Back off! I'm getting in here and nobody can stop me. Is there one more than one seat in the pod? That would be great. Craig, you know what?

I've known you for just a little bit, but you seem really fucking selfish, okay? This is my time. This is my journey. Just a mission. But I'm just going to sit in here and I know if you'll just spare me a moment. I'm going to... Oh. Oh, so it's just one big button that says, press go to go. No, it's nearly impossible. And you will not be able to operate a dune occurred in same frame of mind. Sir, it has not been a pleasure to serve you. That is rude.

This is the speech where I tell you what I've been feeling for a low these many months, and that I am going to identify before you make it. No, I'm currently in the speech. I'm in the speech right now, and I have to start over. Sir, it has not been a crag. Give me one second, okay? I know you just got here and you're super anxious to start over. Sir, it is not but a Craig! Give me one second, okay? I know you just got here and you're super anxious to like go home to, but like, this is a long time coming for me.

I just need you to respect my journey. Of the thousands of you that I've watched kill yourselves, this one is the most boring. I'm just... A look. A button that says lasers, guns, and everything that could possibly hurt you. It's a huge button, it has a lot of writing on it. There is no need for you to press that button, Trisha. Better yet, a dial that says an emotional component is well.

There's no need to turn that dial. Trisha, I'm willing to give you a second chance. Oh, really? I would love to revisit some of the terms of your internship. Really? Yes. All access. I'll let you go back into the purple room you can fiddle with the knobs there we can talk about a different work rotation that allows you to sleep. I don't want to fiddle with the knobs and I don't want to sleep. I want you to say that you are

sorry for the way you have treated me or I press it anyway. Oh! Oh, God! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, this is making things over here! That's the business. Oh! My history is melting!

Oh! Okay, well anyway, I totally agree with whatever you did. So... Thank you, Craig. Unfortunately, I can't take you with me. What Um, unfortunately I can't take you with me. What's that? I can't take you with me? Well, yeah.

Uh-uh. So how about I do this? I'm gonna take the pod, I'm gonna scram. Well, this dude rives in pain and un-sufferable agony. You have no idea where you're going, Trisha. I do. I know that I am going far, far away from here. That's not a destination that's a concept.

Some destinations are not found on a map. No, no, no, no! Oh, Greg! My exoskeleton is melting. Yeah, it's real. That's... grill gross. No. No, the red light is flashing. They're done rambling at the Vermilion Minotaur. We've got to wrap up the episode first. You've got to tell everyone that it's not real. Okay, and I just real quick want to understand, like eventually this could lead up to, I mean, if I helped you, like we'd probably get me back to Earth, right?

That's, that's like, let's just get through this moment. Okay. And then we'll talk about the rest tomorrow. Uh, open coffee, which I'm going to need you to make when the third sun rises. Uh, all right. Uh, okay, so everything you heard isn't real. Uh, it's... Well done. Mean it.

Uh, it's really fake. It doesn't exist. Don't worry about it. Yes, good luck sustaining that thought for 32 or 35 times. Okay. Uh, and... Do you... do we say... I've seen these... do we say the actors? No, no one cares anymore. Okay. And it says, uh, this episode was sponsored by Field Notes. Yes.

Visit FieldNotesBrand.com or 400 North May. Oh, that's in Chicago, right? Yes, it's in Chicago, in your own Earth. And it says also, visit the Chicago podcast. Call up. Yes, whatever that is. People should spend time there. Do you need to lay down?

I think I do. Okay, let's get you to the couch thing that eats things. Thank you Craig! Okay that one okay. Oh don't touch there that's still it's still burned and raw. Alright I'm on second thought touch there. Oh okay oh god. Oh I like you Craig. It's... It's Greg. Oh, I think I got the power back on. Oh. So should we still do an episode? I mean, I was talking the whole time you were working on that episode. Oh, Chant, I'm so sorry.

Are you not listening to me? I was trying to get the power back. I was explaining all about shape shifting. I was saying my favorite animal I shifted into. I was saying my specific history and powers. It's one of my all-time favorite episodes. I mean, I lead myself bare. I was raw.

It was Chant-Raw. Chant-Raw. All right, let's just do one next week. You're the worst. Alright, let's just do one next week. You're the worst.