Hello From The Magic Tavern - 4 - The FML

Episode Date: March 26, 2015

This week I meet Larry Birdman, who is something of a celebrity in Foon. He is the commissioner of the Foon Mittens League, whatever that is. I hope he's nicer than Flower.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungLarry Birdman: Rush HowellBurger King Guy: Max TemkinMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. The following podcast is not real, but it is really sponsored by Basecamp. When you use Basecamp to run projects, people know what to do, people know where things

are, and you stay on top of everything all the time. Hello from the Magic Tavern. I'm your host Arnie Neckamp. I'm from Chicago, which is on the planet Earth, and about four weeks ago I fell through a dimensional rift behind Burger King into FUN, which is kind of a Narnia-esque magical land. Luckily, I'm getting a slight Wi-Fi signal through that dimensional rift, and I'm able to host a weekly podcast in the Vermilion Minotaur, a tavern in the land of Foon. As always, I am joined by my two sidekicks.

Why don't you guys introduce yourselves? I am, of course. Oh. I know I'm pretty sure you asked for that. I've asked for that before. I am, of course. I know this is tough, you can do it. You.

You said war. A wizard of the twelfth realm of the easiest. Grandmaster of Light and Shadow manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Taurakis. Ilznomi is fying, Yalak. The dwarves know me as Zonin Hugu Stangs. I'm known in Northease's Gassamuena Somasar, and there may be other secret names you do not know yet. I... I hope it does not get longer. You should see his business cards.

That's of course our friend back. That's of course our Drew your friend, Shunk. Making fun of the length of my name. Delight. And Shun, introduce yourself. Shunt here. I feel like there's a middle ground between the two of you and how much, introduce yourself. Chant here. I feel like there's a middle ground between the two of you and how much you introduce yourself.

I try and compensate for Yusidor's length of introduction. Okay, so it's Yusidor the Wizard and Chant, the talking badger. So, badger, I mean, we don't, it's a given, I'm, you don't have to say everything's talking, it's just I'm a badger. Yeah. Do all badgers speak in FUN?

In their own way. But not English. Well, some. We have another guest and before we get to him though, last week I mentioned that I have an email address. There must be some kind of firewall issue with the Burger King that I'm getting the Wi-Fi signal from. So did I-

Did Spintex dissolve the Wall of Fire? Uh, he may have Spintex the green, my great rival. Yeah, it's not a magical thing. I too could create a Wall of Fire if you want it. I shall put the Wall of Fire on this tab right now! Basically, what I'm saying is I can't get access to my regular email. So I had to set up a special email for this podcast.

So if you want to email me or us here, you can email us at magictavernatpuppies.supplies. I know it's an unusual sounding email, it doesn't sound real, but it absolutely is. So email us at magictavern at puppies.supplies. Is that talking puppies? Don't you surprise? It's just puppies.

Oh, Pucidors in the Wizard State. I'm not a bird, I ain't a bird, I ain't jay. I'm not a bird, I'm a bird, I'm a bird, I'm a bird, I'm a bird, I'm a bird, I'm a bird. And he's out. Okay. So we did get an email. Someone emailed us from after last week with some questions about food.

So I'm gonna quick read a little bit. This is from Matt Demarco. He emails to ask, can chunt only turn into whole other animals by sexing them or is constantly under threat of turning himself into, say, a badger paw by sexing himself. It does have to be with another creature. Is he referencing when I masturbate? Yes. Yeah. You've you've walked it on me masturbating. Yeah. And there's no. Yeah.

I don't turn into a hand or I don't turn into. No, not when I wear if I wear protection, I don't turn into the protection just because it's the laws of magic are pretty cut and dry. I think they're clear on this matter. Okay. All right, a terrible question, Matt, DeMarco. Next, I think it was a good question. For sure. I lit four candles.

What? I lit four candles with my magical incantation. I did not make a whole wall of fire, but I did manage to light four candles. That's true. We're a little more lit here in the Vermilion Minotaur. Another question. Please tell Yusidor that manipulator of magical delights is better than persuader.

Manipulator sounds more powerful. Also, what's up with that wizard state? Is that something he learned in wizard school? Or is it something you're born with? I have stuck with manipulator. I thank you for your thoughts on this matter. It does seem to have a little more power and strength behind it, so I prefer to persuade our magical delights. The Wizard State This was a gift given to me by those who created me.

It is an innate ability. I did not learn it in a wizarding school. I was fully formed as a wizard from the day I set foot in fune. I, the very birds of the sky and the fire and the wind and the water did conspire to create me out of the very elements that exist in the air and the earth. So you came into fully formed, like just an adult wizard. Of course I'm a wizard. That's how wizards aren't born? Yes, but perhaps not as a mulling babe.

As you expect. So then when you just pop into existence, like what's the first, like do you remember your first thought? Like, whoa, my first thought was I have to find a staff. I need a staff, and I thought, really, I find a large tree and break off a branch to start with until I can afford a better staff. And of course, my second thought was I must defeat the Dark Lord, and I must convince one of you to join me on this great quest. He has, Yusidor has requested a feat, Dark Lord with... Think of the glory that could be earned by all the people here, and the safety of food and all the children and women

and men who do live here, and all the animals and beasts of the forest. They're all in danger right now, but let's get to our guest. Yeah, thank you for your email, Matt DeMarco. But yeah, let's talk to our guest. Your name is Larry Birdman. Yeah, that's right, Larry Birdman.

And who are you? I'm very excited about this, everybody. Who am I? Larry Birdman. So everyone here knows Larry Birdman? Yeah, that's right, Larry Birdman. And who are you? I'm very excited about this, everybody. Who am I? Larry Birdman. So everyone here knows Larry Birdman. Oh, absolutely, yes, of course. I'm the commissioner of the FML. And what is the FML?

He. I'm sorry, I'm neutafoon. I don't really know much of... When did you get here after February 1st, after January 15th? Yes. Okay, well I'm the FUN Mittens League is the FML. Mittens is the biggest sport in all of FUN. Everyone knows this and I am the Commissioner of the League. And we just had the Super Mittens cavalcade, and then the Super Mittens cavalcade Part II on February 1st was the Part II, and on January 15th was the first.

And it was a pretty good game. Setting apart the fact that a lot of the rules, in my opinion, still don't make any sense. But a great game, and we had a great turnout. I think over 74% of all the phone were tuned in while one way or the other through telepathy or through the magic box or through attending in person or through Transol Deliverance or through walk and pop so between all of those we had my

understanding 74% of phone we still trend heavily heavily male we had my understanding, 74% of food, we still trend heavily, heavily male, we had about 91% of all the males of food tuned in, about 90, 90, no sorry, 82% of the females and about 38% of the creatures. I had murdered a horse and watched through the horse's blood. Yes. Yes, good, good. Well, we had only, well, only, of course a wizard can do that. So we had about 20, 25 horse blood murder of yours this year.

And we're trying to raise that next year. Can I just say Larry Bourbon, and it's an honor to meet you, that I usually tune in to watch the Cavalcade mostly for commercials. I mean, because as you mentioned, the game has its flaws. Yes, sure. Phenomenal game. Has its flaws.

Okay, game. But mostly watch for the commercials. Yeah, well, this year the commercials were great Which was your favorite I'll tell you my favorite and then you tell me if you agree But my favorite was probably where they trotted out 300 of the of the greatest Mittens players of all time and had them all Recreate some of the greatest theatrical moments in the history of FUN

in about a 38-minute commercial. I thought that was great. That's a long commercial. That's right, it doesn't sell anything. It's just, it was just for fun. Wonderful celebration of the sport. Celebration of, it was a celebration of both the sport of Mittens and of the theater community of Fun. And Chant, what was your favorite commercial? There was one, I can't remember what it was for, but there was like these pincers and they

were holding a dwarf and they slowly lowered him into boiling tar. And you just see him, you see the life escape him from the feed up and it was just, just great. I mean, just really, really spoke to him. Yeah, it was just just great. I mean just really really spoke to me. Yeah, that was that was for life insurance. Oh, yeah. That was a full sense. Yes. So you said so I don't really know how does the sport work? Mittens. What's that? How does Mittens work? Oh God. Well, so you've never seen any Mittens. I haven't seen. All right. Lawrence, you must forgive

him. Arnold is a new. It's Ar must forgive him. Arnold is a new person. It's Larry. It's a Larry Birdman. You know, so let's put it this way. You're on a field. It's about 2,000 yards long between 2000 and 2007, depending on which of the fields you play on. It's about nine yards wide, so very narrow field.

Each team is comprised of 31 individuals. You have a baskin, you have what we call a quarter back, which you won't understand. There's a baskin, there's 19 hilsmans, and then there's 10 what we call misalinius. And the misalinius, they can do all sorts of... Right, misalinius? Yes.

Misalinius. There's 10 of them. There's 19 Hillsman. Okay, you have a baskin 19 Hillsman. Okay, 10 misalinius and then the quarterback. The quarterback? The misalinius just do assorted things. No, all of the other people do.

The misalignians have one specific task that's very specific. The misalignians are there to basically distract and try to assist the baskin in performing the baskin task. And what is the baskin task? Now the goal of the baskin is to get the potted flower from one end of the pitch. We call it the pitch to the other end of the pitch. And if the basket takes a potted flower across 2,000 yards and gets it to the other end, that is one point.

Now, my principal problem with the game is if a bird comes near the field and you catch it, that's 700 points. That's a lot of, that seems like a lot of. Did invent the rules, don't like that rule. It seems like the team that catches a bird always went, but it is exciting Well, it's it's exciting when a bird finally flies on to the field. How often does this happen? Pandemonium is pretty often pretty regularly in fact the last game so Okay, so at the last cavalcade part two the score was

2100 and three to eight. Oh, no. So it was in my opinion, and this is what I've been pushing for for reform for years. I thought it was unfair, because one team got a bask in 2,000 yards across 31 opponents, eight different times. The other time only did it,

the only team only did it three times, and yet because the other team caught three birds, they won by thousands of points. Is a bird heavy game and you should know that Hogsface has its own mittens team. Oh yes. Yeah. If that team in quotes Hogsface I believe went to oh and one last year. Yeah.

Yeah. Or a flower is not a fan of being cared around. So wait is your potted flower flower? It's flower, yeah. The flower that I threw off of a cliff last week? Yep, so we don't have a team anymore. Thank you for that. The hog's face, poison blades, or no longer a team.

Now Larry, I wanted to ask you while you were here. I know you're onto fan of the bird catching. No, I do find it exciting when they catch a bird. My issue is more that fans are allowed to bring bags full of birds to release into the pitch. Yes. If the fans were restricted in their ability to bring birds and birds simply flew into the field naturally,

I think that would make for a much more exciting game. Well, it's an interesting point. And you know, Yusudor. I don't know if you've ever tried out to be a wizard. As I said earlier, there's one wizard per team, usually, sometimes more than one wizard, but usually you want at least one of your hillsman to be a wizard. Yeah, yes. And often that wizard will be tasked with disintegrating the birds that are released. And so you constantly have birds being released by the fans, which I'm against, but the rules are the rules, and I just enforce them. And you will see hundreds, if not thousands of birds,

released and then disintegrated repeatedly by one of the hillsmen. That's just one of, I would say, 100 to 200 tasks. Hillsmen is... 100 to 200 tasks. Yes. A Hillsman is a 100 to 200 tasks. Yes, a game lasts. Well, the first cavalcade, as I said, began on January 15th and ended maybe 20 minutes before the final. So it's about a two week game. It was a short game. I was glad we were able to get the cavalcade finished this year before March. Does it frequently, does one of the cat, this

part one frequently go so long the part two starts before part one is done? No, you couldn't do that. It doesn't make any sense. No, the cavalcade part one is the second and third place team from the regular season. They play off and then the winner of that plays the worst team from the regular season for the title. Another rule which I am against in trying to reform, it's one of my main points is why not let the best team from the year play in the Cavalcade part two. And Hogs face was in because we are the worst team. I should let you know when I was in the form of an eagle, I was a basket, which

was a huge problem because as per the rules, a bird. Yes, I'm a bird And the Vaskin's feet cannot leave the ground So by by being on the team in in the state of an eagle. I was just Draining points for my team. Yes. What if you had been like another kind of bird like a sparrow or a robin a what? Sparrow or a lawyer with either robin what's the saying of maybe if you were a baskin Robin a Robin that's you know what that's the scenario? I was just saying, maybe if you were a baskin robin, a robin. You know what, that's just a, that's just something that's just something that's really pleased with yourself for some reason. The people, I'm, that was more for the people in my world.

They're going to go crazy. A baskin. It's just a little jump to the people in my world. They're going to go crazy. I don't understand. I don't understand, but I do want 31 per team. And I don't know what everyone needs to know I don't know what I want to play. I don't know what I want to play.

But what are some of the teams besides the hog face, poison blades? Well, the best team in the league this year, which unfortunately they're not eligible for the playoffs by virtue of winning the regular season. And then what they do is they wait there. If you win the regular season, you can't play again for 10 years. And then on the 10th year you play in the 10th anniversary round table, round robin, circular. And by the way, round robin means something. We don't have robins. Robin means something else with the food. Yes. What does robin mean in food? Rob robin. I don't know what Robin means. A round Robin is a specific type of game in which one opponent plays another one.

Okay. I forgot your question. What are some of the teams? The festering wounds have been dominating for a while. Yes. Well, in the sense that the best you can do, a lot of people think, is to finish second every year. So what happens in the game, and it's, again,

it's frustrating, is you have teams play, and they try to all get up near the front, and then they all intentionally try to lose towards the end of the year to finish second so that they can be in the cavalcade, and then hopefully in cavalcade part two, and not have to be retired for 10 years. So the festering wounds have finished second or third, which is both good, what, 11, 11 or twelve years in Iraq. Yes and of course there's the the Skir buzzards. Yes. Oh from Skir. Who do you support? I notice that you are in Skir buzzards colors. Yes I'm a fan of the buzzards I must admit. And the wizard who plays on the buzzards is

Spintax. Spintax the green, do you know him? Yeah, I do, I do. I had a great dinner with him about a week ago, and he's really a wonderful, wonderful man. Yes, he's very, very, very, very tough. For his age, too, really can create a lot of things and dismantle a lot of things. Well, we each have our own journey.

Speaking of which, I have a journey that I would like you to accompany me on. I have a dark lord. I'm sorry, you can mumble about the dark lord if you want. We're going to attach the land with his evil. We're just going to take a quick break so that we can refresh our drinks. We'll be back in just a moment. I'm not gonna say but... No, I'm not gonna say but you're like the new tires by CBLT Wobbertide. Seriously?

Hello? Yes, I swear I hear someone whispering. Hey, Linda, I think some storm is my headset. I'll try it for you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. to be a hilsman myself. Yes. I am a wizard and I do live on top of a hill. Oh nice. So it's, it's, it's, it was occurred to me.

The perhaps I, I could do it. Do you think I, well, I think I have a strength, a possibility. Do you play Middens in college or wizard school? Uh, well, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, a little bit, I played a little bit with friends, you know, with, on the varsity or the JV. I, you know, I, I went out for a rosty and I, I didn't make it then, but, you know, on the varsity or the JV? You know, I went out for Vosti and I didn't make it then, but you know, I've grown as a

wizard in the intro. Well, you know, one thing that I value as Commissioner of the Mittens League is just brutal on his truth. And I'll tell you, it's unlikely. It's unlikely that you could do it. And the reason I say that is our league is composed of the greatest mittens players in the world. And as you know, as you know, as everyone grows up in FUN, let's say 50% of the young men and women of FUN play mittens as children. And of course,

that's getting lower and lower due to the post-concussive syndrome problem that we're having. But I will say, lots of people getting hurt playing mittens. Yes, yes, yes. It's a big issue and we're taking it very seriously at the food mittens, and I think we're not, but I will say, you said, or I had an occasion to have a brunch, maybe a month or two ago, with a man that of course you know named Sam Stout. Sam Stout is one of probably the 10-15 best hillsman in the world.

Sam Stout, when he was in college, tried out for the Mittens team, not only did he not make the Mittens team, he was not allowed to be the manager of the Mittens team. And Sam Stout went and he trained and he trained and he became his name was not Sam Stout at the time. His name was Sam. I think it was Stottlandberg is something Jewish, but my What I remember is He came back and he was

He trained for years. I'm not sure exactly. This is an inspiring story, please continue. Yes, so today... I have so many follow-up questions, but keep going, keep going. Well, today Sam Stout is one of the greatest players and he, the man did not play in a professional Mittens League match until he was 33 years old. Today, he's a seven, I believe a seven time all star a

Wonderful brunch companion his cloak was retired, right? Yes, his cloak was retired number 4500 4500 by the by the Daggerdale blazehounds and so he's never allowed I don't know if you know how Jersey retirement work Do you know in my world? Yeah, basically you just cannot use someone's number again or no Well, maybe I'm not sure if you retire a Jersey here what it means is you take a Jersey Okay, you write a number on the back of it. It's different from a regular number This one at 4,500 I believe and And you run and everyone chases you.

And if anyone gets you for an hour, they're allowed to just pummel the heck out of you. Just beat you as hard as you can. If, however, you run and no one is able to catch you for a full hour, then you are put into what's called the Circle of Fame. And there's only about 100 people. It's 93 people that have ever been in the Circle of fame and samsdot had his jersey retirement

celebration run I guess a year ago. Yes, yes, but I don't mean how many people have had failed jersey retirement runs thousands. Most people don't get more than I'd say 20 seconds. I mean anyone can catch you. Yes, anyone anyone anywhere than I'd say 20 seconds. I mean anyone can catch you. Yes. Anyone. Anyone. Anywhere. Anyone. I'm just a creature, a beast, anyone. They can just think of the revenge the birds want to enact. No. Oh. Yes. So I have a question for you Larry Birdman. Yes. You seem to have a lot of unhappiness with the sport of mittens. Well, the rules are terrible. What? What led you to become the commissioner? Well, you know, I see myself as a visionary. I was myself, I guess you don't know this. It's kind of embarrassing, I don't mean to brag,

but I'm probably the greatest mittens player. Well, I don't know, top five. Well, top 20's non-controversial. I'll do that, top 20. And I myself was a basking. And I really hated the amount of abuse that I took. And I thought it was unnecessary because there I was once, you know, being carried across, holding a plant,

fighting, you know, ice gauge, all sorts of spells cast against me and in my defense, hand-to-hand combat, eating unbelievably disgustingly hot items as you're required to. All sorts of, you know, immersion therapy, foreign language skills learn. All these things that I had to do, month after month after month after month, to try to get that plant across that line, 2,000 yards away, and then, you know, someone would catch a bird and we'd lose. And so, imagine the frustration.

Imagine the frustration. And so, when I- Did you ever considered just focusing on catching birds yourself? Well, that's what probably 29 of our 31 players are doing. At any given time, it's focused up on the birds. We've got wizards disintegrating birds. We've got other people trying to catch birds. And you better believe the commentators would just be like look at the one person

Not catching birds birdman like it's yeah, it was a big a big joke. That's right. It's really a Technique was may I say perhaps the greatest that ever existed for instead of holding the plant in a single hand holding the plant in a single hand. Graphs that with both. Yes, we call it the two, that we call it the two, two in the hand is worth one in the, in the, in the bird. It was incredible, it, it, it transformed the entire gate.

Yes, now everyone's carrying the plant with two hands. Before I carried it with, and I will tell you, this is a story I, you've probably heard this. The first time I carried the, the pot of plant with two hands, was a mistake. It didn't mean to carry with two hands. I made it. Had it in one hand, had my other hand out there doing the things you normally do, you know, blocking spells, shaking hands of, you know, elites, a lot of high-fiving foreign language flashcards. Foreign language flashcards, of course, cooking frittatas. All the things that a basket used to do with his offhand,

just doing anything he could to distract or delay or to push forward. And wouldn't you know it, but I saw a friend of mine in the crowd, and I looked over, and I raised the pot at plant, and it started to fall, and I reached up and grabbed it with the other hand, and it just silenced, I reached up and grabbed it with the other hand and just silence Silence immersed, you know, the pitch everyone was shocked to know when I'd ever seen it And I found that it is easier to hold an item in two hands than to hold it in one. Yeah, it was incredible

Incredible before that, you know Hillsman could come along and just bat the flower right out of your head. Yes Cast a spell at it. So we're running out of time, but before we go, I was wondering like, so now that the cavalcade is done, what will you do during the offseason? Oh, well, in April, we have the reap, where people will be conscripted to play for their Mittens teams. It used to be a draft.

Now it has to be a reap because people are very worried about the post-concussive syndrome problem. And only about 30% of the people in the reap live through that process, correct? Yeah, I think that's the little generous. I think it's around 25 to 30%. But the people are excited to be reaped. So yeah, we'll have the reap in April.

Season will start back up. First game will start May 1st. Hopefully that'll be done by May 15th. And the next game starts as soon as the last one finishes and then you go to a Cavalke part two. Wow! Well, if I'm still here, when the season starts again, NF Hogface gets a team going again,

I would absolutely love to see a game of Middens. Well terrific. Tickets are available at any given time. The field is huge. You can watch a lot of different ways, as I said earlier. If you want to do a watching pop, let me know. But I will hope to have a new fan. All right, thank you so much.

And thanks again, Chant and Yusidor for being here. And thank you for listening. As always, please subscribe on iTunes and give us a positive review, give us a lot of stars. And email us with your questions at magictavernatpuppies.supplies. But I don't turn into the genitals of whatever I'm, why would Matt DeMarco, I don't know, that was the question that he, I mean,

to be fair from my world, we don't really understand how sexual skin changing works. Oh, chunchier, shape shifter? Yes. I didn't get that earlier. You know, they're looking for a new misalignious. Ooh, on hog face. Well, shape shifter would probably be pretty good. Let me talk to you after the, yeah.

Absolutely. All right, thanks so much much and see everybody next week. They did. Today in E2D Hills one. Do you have Jews in your world? And once again we find that the takeaway lesson is that none of these things really happened. Usador the Wizard was played by Matt Young, Chunt the Badger was played by Aval Rafaie. Special guest Larry Birdman was played by Rush Howell, who performs regularly with the show 3033.

And the mysterious burger king drive-through operator was Max Temkin, produced by Evan Jacoba and Ryan DeGeorgie, edited by Ryan DeGeorgie. Last week was actually edited by Evan Jacoba and not Ryan DeGeorgie, but whatever, let's not linger in the past. Music by Andy Poland. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo, designed by Allard LeBan. Learn more about the show and see for yourself how it's not real because it's fake. At hellofromthemagictavern.com,

or follow us on Twitter at Magic Tavern. All of these fanciful imaginings were brought to you by Basecamp with the help of the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Learn more about Basecamp at Basecamp.com and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at ChicagoPodcastCoop.com. Sometimes I can concentrate on an object and make it burst into flames. you