Hello From The Magic Tavern - 42 - Winter Solstice

Episode Date: December 17, 2015

There's a chill in the air and in Foon that could mean literally anything. But this time it means Winter Solstice! Glenn Miller and Spants join us for gift giving and traditional Solstice carols.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungSpants: Meridith StepienGlenn Miller: Nick GageMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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collide in a game of life and death. Hey buddy, how you feel and you're strong enough to do the intro to the show? I-I think so, Greg. It's Craig. The fate of all reality is in my hands. You want some soup? The way you make it, I'd sooner chew on the aluminum cam. Now, the following podcast is not real, but it is really sponsored by Emporium Arcade Bar. The following podcast is not real, but it is really sponsored by Emporium Arcadebar.

Emporium hosts awesome game, beer, food and live music events daily in Wicker Park and Logan Square. Visit EmporiumChicago.com for info. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the fantastical land of fun, I'm your host Arneanie Camp. If you haven't listened to the podcast before, this is what you need to know. About three-fourths of a year ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal.

I think through the rift from the Burger King and I use that to upload a podcast I record every week, here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Phoon. And I'm so excited because it's winter solstice time, and I'm joined by my cohost as always. Oh, yeah, baby. Happy, do you say happy winter solstice? Yeah, you do. Oh great, a happy winter solstice, you as well. And my other cohost, happy winter solstice.

I am Yusuf-Daw! Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow, Everyone assaults this to you as well. And my other co-hosts, happy one assaults him. I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf-

I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I am Yusuf- I says gas winnius me star and during this glorious time of the year there are still many secret names you may not know yet and I do warn thee if you do not celebrate with great joy

and love in your heart then you are truly a minion of the dark lord. Arnie you can say winter solstice or you can say winter solstice or you can shorten it to Wiso. Wiso? Yeah because around this time we make a special soup called Wiso soup. Oh great, fantastic. I'm so excited. I was starting to feel a little bit down about not being on earth with my family for what we call Christmas and the holidays on earth. Oh, we have Christmas. Christmas? Christmas. It's one of the many dozens hundreds even holidays that make up the winter solstice. Oh wow, so the winter solstice is more than just one holiday? Yes, obviously. Do you guys just celebrate one holiday? Well, no, we celebrate. No,

there are no, we say happy holidays Like that. Yeah, just way of an encompassing that seems safe. Oh, no, I die. I enjoy it And that seems to like being inclusive. Yeah. Oh, no absolutely will tell me a little bit more about some of the holidays that make up Winner Solstice well there's Gunders stain Which is a wonderful holiday they celebrate in the far northwest is very small little village of Gundur. They're the only ones that celebrate it, but it's become more a popular thing around the land of fune. And in that day, in that holiday,

certain individuals sit each other on the head with mallets. That sounds fun. Yes, it is fun. Oh, what is your favorite winter sauce to salad? We have specifically to shape shifters, we have shift miss, which is just like a one month span where you try and have as much horizontal refreshment as possible.

Oh, what? Oh, yes, there's also Hanaka. Now, this is a minor Jewish holiday, but since it happens around the time of the winter solstice, it does get some attention, probably an unequal amount of attention, because young Kapoor is a much bigger holiday. Sure. Oh yeah. Do you know what I meant by horizontal refreshment? I did. You meant having sex. Which reminds me, Chant, so far, listeners who are new to the show, Chant, you're a shape shifter. You change into different animals that you have sex with. But you've been a

badger for a long time, you're not really... He was a tiny horse. Yeah. You weren't tiny horse briefly, but you haven't really been... Hey, I'm shifting for shiftmas. You do you, I'm gonna do me, huh? Okay. I just...

Saying you should put the shift back in shiftmas. Huh? Well, as I have seen people say on Twitter, sorry, not, sorry. Sorry, not sorry. Yeah, everybody on Twitter is always like, sorry, not sorry. Well, which sorry. Yeah, everybody on Twitter is always like, sorry, not sorry. Well, which is it? I don't know.

Are they sorry or are they not sorry? Let's just one to say. Sorry, not sorry. Are they sorry that they aren't sorry? Sorry, not sorry. That's really, it's really seems like a spell to me. Well, okay. Sorry, not sorry. Well, okay.

Sorry, not sorry. Whoa. Did you see that? I made a little tiny flame. Sorry, not sorry. That's amazing. Yes. Well, aren't you happy holidays to you?

Yeah, happy holidays to you. Happy shiftmas. Happy Christmas. Happy Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. Christmas. Yes, it's not Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Christmas, Yes, it's not, it's not Christmas. You don't, you don't slur your word at the end like the drunken

sought that you are. You say Christmas because he has to. Arne, I got you a little something. What? Yeah, I just got you a little present. I don't know how it is on earth, but here in Fune around this time, we'll give the people that we're afraid of. What was your word? Love? Like, the people we like, we give them a little gift. And then we got you. Gorgeous.

Oh, the sad screaming potato. That's your scream potato. Gorgeous is mine now. That's, she's yours to keep. Come on Gorgeous. We're gonna be friends. I'm gonna put Gorgeous. Now. Thank you so much. Okay. Yeah, I actually I got I actually got both of you gifts, but oh, but also Let's let's talk to our guests because Glenn Miller and Spanzer back to play some winters. Solsas songs for us. Oh, yeah

Oh, hello spas here. It's good to see you all again. Oh, it's wonderful to see you. Happy times. Give me a hug. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. He went to Solicitor's and everyone. Merry Solicitor's. Merry Solicitor. Yes. Ah, yes. Last week, Arnie got a little, you know, tipsy and talked to us about Christmas for a pretty long time. Sounds like a foolish holiday. I don't know. I did bring a tree inside the house. Oh, it's great.

Yeah, you bring a tree in the house. You decorate it. You gather around with your family. Does the tree, so you talk to the tree, you say, come on inside, tree. What does the tree talk? The tree does end some time in the house and then at the end of the winter, holiday,

we'll return it outside. No, you cut down a tree or you buy a tree. Did you give the tree 30 minutes to let you know if it's the overnight? That's right. Well, I mean, trees, well, I guess technically trees are alive on my world, but they don't communicate, they don't talk.

Mm, so do you. Just take its life. Do you do it, Hubei? How do you do it? I think it's done with an axe all the while. So you commit a murder and then you put the trophy of the murder in your home for everyone to celebrate around. Yeah, pretty much.

Okay. As like a warning to other trees, like don't like it, stay away from my house. Yeah, pretty much. And everyone does. I mean, not everybody, a lot of people do. Is there a war on trees? No, no.

I mean, it might as well, practically. I mean, we are really quickly deforested. Deforested thing? Is that a word? I do want you to know there is a war on Christmas. There's a lot of people in Foon who don't like this celebration. They feel like it's a little like it's a little weird. Barbaric.

Yeah, but that's a great. It's a small minority or have a war on Christmas. Most people agree that it's amazing. But what about his Christmas work? Well, there's this guy. This guy named Chris. Ugh, don't even get me. Yeah, he's like 20 Arnees.

Ugh, yes. Great, sounds like a great guy. Maybe like 10. Like, he's like 10 Arnees. Anyway, nobody likes him. Nobody likes Chris. And, but we put up with him because once a year, he will do anything that we ask him to do.

On Christmas Day, it's so funny. Chris must do whatever we tell him to. And that's the joy of like putting up with him all year Where you're like once Chris must time comes I'm gonna really give it to him. Huh? Yeah. Oh, yeah He's the kind of guy who knocks on your door at 3 a.m. And says listen I'm I'm walking home and I'm not gonna make it to my own toilet So I need to use yours and then he uses air and toilet. Yes That's that's sound like something I would do. Hey at one time he showed up at my door with some He needed to use yours and then he clogs. He uses Aaron's toilet. Yeah, he clogs.

That sound like something I would do. Hey, at one time he showed up at my door with some trop and his arm and asked if he could spend the night and I did then sleep upon my couch, my back hurt for an entire week. Oh, no. And he didn't even bother to clean the sheets. Classic Chris.

So his Chris must celebrate celebrated all over Foon. How is it possible for this one crisp guy? Oh, he makes it around. So he somehow almost magically annoys everybody all over Foon. Well, some people believe it to be a myth, but actually, on Christmas Eve, he travels to every house in food in his magical sleigh.

Wow. Yet, we mentioned the magical sleigh. He's got no, that sounds like the best part. I mean, honestly, Chris sounds like a great guy to me. They're wrong. Oh, gosh. They're shit gypsy. Oh, you know what we should do?

We should sing that Christmas song. There's a song about. Uh, wow. Is's a song about. Uh-oh. Is there a Christmas Carol? Yes. There is a Christmas Carol. Everyone sings it. Arnie, basically the way this will work is that we all sing the song about, you know, Christmas to do something. And when it gets to your turn, you say what you would like Christ to do. So we'll have you, know go first Arnie just to have fun and you know why don't we all talk about things that we have had Chris do in the past. Sure. Oh I

love that idea. Yes. Yes. Wonderful. All right everybody ready? Well we're celebrating our Christmas where Chris must do everything we ask him celebrating our Christmas where Chris must go ahead Arnie uh oh where Chris must make everybody a really nice meal and the share yeah you don't get the spirit of Chris must it's a good one good one hey we'll teach him just keep going okay celebrating our Christmas where Chris Christmas do everything we ask him. Celebrating our Christmas, where Christmas?

Pick up a squirrel from the backyard. Place it all the way into his mouth, and then close his mouth around the squirrel for 10 minutes. Until it stops moving. That's where I like it, maybe. Spin it out and do it on hands, and then deal with the repercussions of having murdered an innocent swathe.

Oh, that's a Christmas. That's great. Classic, classic Christmas. I'm so happy. Yes. Celebrating our Christmas, where Christmas do everything we ask you. Celebrating our Christmas. Where Christmas?

My favorite Christmas was I had him cut off his big toes at his big thumbs and swapped them. Did we mention that Chris also has small thumbs and big thumbs? Because we're celebrating our Christmas. Where Christmas do everything we ask him celebrating our Christmas. Marquis must wear, Christmas. Lick both of my assholes. Ah!

Oh, God. Give it to me. Oh! Marquis must wear, Christmas do everything we ask him celebrating our Christmas. Marquis must. Realize that nobody will ever love him, move into his sister's basement and die alone. Oh!

Woo! Oh, yeah! Merry Christmas, everyone. Oh, yeah. It's the last one in the fool. Well, it is so happy. Yes. It is a catchy song.

Oh. Yeah. What about the content of the song? It's unsettling, to be honest. I mean On earth Christmas, you know there you look there's some there's some bad things you can say about Christmas But it's it's at its heart. It's about love and it's yeah, so what's like a what's like a no? It's like a big-time Christmas song on earth You know my favorite Christmas song is I'll be home for Christmas. It's great

It's got it. I know it's got it, well, that's the thing in the song. It's got a twist ending where you realize the person's not going to be home for Christmas. Oh, that, that's apropos. Oh, it's, that's sad. Yeah, I'd sing it, but I think it's probably not in the public domain yet. Oh, okay. I love that. What is the public domain? Well, on Earth of a song, is it old enough, you can get in trouble for singing it without paying for it. People paid to sing? Well, maybe not just singing it.

You can't sing it in your house. Well, you can sing it in your house, but you couldn't put it on a podcast like this or play it in a bar, I guess. Wow, that seems insane. It is, it is. It seems wrong. It seems like it would be more fair

if they let people use it a little bit, if there was some amount of use that was fair. It's not fair. It's like a fair use. Ah, yes. I suppose you could put it that way. Well here, why don't I very quickly, I will sing an Earth Christmas song

that I'm pretty sure I can get away with. No. Jingle bells, Batman smells robin laid an egg the bat mobile lost the wheel and Joker got away Hey a batman who's the Batman? Is it awesome you would love batman what loaders some other what's your is there another holiday song? Yes, we have this song, Quiet Night. You know, before last time that we were on your little podcast, we were saying a song for you about goblins and ghouls coming and taking people away,

but right now they're on holiday. Well, Winter Souls' this is usually when they come back from holiday. Okay. back from holiday. Okay. Quiet night, snowy night, all the trees are softly glistening. Peaceful night, wonders night, and the ghouls are always listening.

They will come and don't you run, that will only make it difficult. Quiet night, if you run, that will only make it difficult Quiet night, if you fight, your attempts will fail your pitiful Quiet night, snowy night, if you think you're faster than a ghoul Peaceful night, wonders night, you should perish Cause you're such a fool, They will come, don't you run. They will catch you almost instantly. Quiet night, if all is right.

They will gait you in your infancy. Quiet night, quiet night. La la la la la la la la la. This whole night, one with a snite. La la la la la la la la. One with a night, one with a night, Na-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la- Yeah, I suppose I can appreciate the educational and informative nature of the song. Yes, yeah. And you know, yeah. You know what's interesting, these songs are kind of making me sad, but when I think about it,

most of my favorite holiday songs on earth are kind of the sad ones, like I'll be home for Christmas. Blue Christmas. What makes it blue? Well, blue means sad on earth. What? You still are, you said? Well, blue means sad on earth. What? You said, oh, you said? So, you said I'm not sad.

I'm fine. I think I should go to the bar and get a drink. Oh, no. Oh, no. It seems like you're projecting. Do you have that term on earth? Why am I sad? I am sad.

You know, when I was hoping for winter solstice to cheer me up, and, you know, maybe, maybe it just reminds me of the things that make me sad. Well, there is no reason for it to make you sad. There is a song about a deer that I think might cheer you up. Sure. Yeah, I've got one. It's an old hymn.

I like to introduce it with a poem, I wrote. Each year around the solstice, an enormous flock of flying deer flies across food, and they're particularly obnoxious creatures. They're not very intelligent. They feast upon undies, and that's really all you can say about them. They're like flying Arnie's. So I wrote this poem to celebrate the reigning of the deer. A cycle of dysfunction as the avocado rots, an angel sings vibrato to turds and chamber pots.

The darkest days of the year are here. It's nearly non-stop night. When nocturnal wild winged deer filled the sky with shite. Their blood-red bulbous noses precede their demon screams. They eat poop and poop roses, which is not as cool as it seems. They fuck each other in mid-air, with dear dogs antler's hoofs. Their favorite food is underwear.

They piss upon our roofs. So we kill them. A collar kill a million will, perish all until, cherish the brave hunters of these garish schools of ill. We hang false under garments in the meadows and the Brooks, decoys for the varments with their venomous antler hooks. They come to eat our panties, but instead we serve them lead, our crossbows from our shanties aim squarely at their heads. Hang your panties from the tree, the little children sing. For every deer you shoot, you see a venison pie I bring.

And I cry. Dear penis pie. It rolls outwardly off the tongue, and doth inwardly satisfy. And I can recall if I shot six deer and six days when I was twelve, or twelve deer and twelve days when I was six. No matter of import I say, just bring me twelve deer dicks. Flash me back, Hawaiian sand, the fairest dish in all the land. The dears don't in hand bear I mixed with mint and rosemary.

Flasulans see fun young food, is that penis with a spoon? Feed the garden, garrison, with the phallic venison. Flatulence, see fun, young fool, is that penis with a spoon? I'm aroused, my dick did lift, unless we fuck I want shape shift. Fla-chulancy, funnion food, Is that penis with a spoon? Grab a deer and slap its ass, Then shove a big silly bass into its ass after you slap it. Fla-chulancy, funnion food,

Is that penis with the spoon. Wow, very nice. I'm special. Are those all the traditional lyrics to that? Oh, there's hundreds. Oh, yes, it goes on and on and on. It's such a wonderful part of the holiday season. Some say the deer, as disgusting as they are, are a gift from the goddess, food. And that she sent them here so that in the dark winter months,

when food was hard to come by, there was a reindeer to eat through the season. That's true. Especially their penicents. You mean, young young young. It's hard to find good penicies, days. This is an old him. They seed a lot of dick in the olden days. Yes, yes.

Now we've realized that there are more parts of the deer that you can eat. Right. It is much of a traditional seasonal dish. Yeah, our ancestors used to just go straight for the cock. And then you're like, oh, we can eat the rest of this. They were hungry.

They saw an animal that part fit in their hand. They knew it fit in their mouth. There's a lot more work to skinning a deer and understanding where the meat comes from. Oh, this goes back thousands. There are cave paintings, cave paintings from ways Disgusting cave paintings. Oh, yes. Really pornographic Well also sometimes just cut off we'll find any more cut off its chest and its nuts and roast that. Yes, chest and nuts. Chest and nuts, roasting on an open fire? Yeah, how'd you know? Sounds great. Yeah, that's great. Ah, here, it sits where it will power through the show. I would like to give you my gifts. Oh wow! Here you go, Chunt! It's a rock! I feel like you can fly!

Very cool. Yes, hold on to that rock. An Arnold? Yeah? I got something very special for you. Is it a rock? No, I knew it! Thank you!

You're well-built. What's the expression? But I know that counts. I know you don't like my magical rocks. So that's just a rock. No, okay, great. Chances magical. Yours is just a rock. I feel like this has more of a chance of being magical. Shut up! So we have a Winter Solstice song that we sing. It's just a song about welcoming the Winter Solstice.

Oh, great. And letting the Winter Solstice know that it is welcome and we're excited to celebrate it. We welcome you, we will do winter solstice, we will be your host and hostess, come on in and wipe your shoes before you even fucking think about walking on a brand new hardwood floors Come in come in dear soul of winter warm yourself

I'll light the tinder have a drink one of your choosing But if you don't put a fucking coaster down, it's going to create a ring And I swear to the goddesses of food. I would not let you leave until you buy me a new table so you can either buy me a brand new fucking table Or just put a coast of town, it's up to you! Now just relax, do you winter bring her stay right there Don't lift a finger, have a pipe But don't even fucking think about smoking that on my white leather couch. Get your ass up, put your fucking shoes on, and walk at least two blocks away before you

even light that shit. I am serious. Make sure you walk north to the winds carry it away from the house, away from this house. I can't stand the smell of smoke, and I'm 99% certain the kids are allergic to it. After you're done you can strip right down where you are. Roll your naked body in the snow until you think you rubbed all the smell off. Then you can walk your naked ass back to the house. That way you can re-enter through the basement doors.

The basement doors. There are towels and the utility closet to the right of the entryway. They're soaping you to cleaning yourself. Do not even dare think. Do not even dare think about coming back into my living room without being perfectly What did you did you see you got us present? For my money, uh

You think for you than I said? You know what? I will sacrifice my money Yeah, it's just a song for a while Yeah, it's just a song for a while This is how they party music Wait, she's not just like, is having a break down like this? She's not just like, is having a break down like this?

No, this is for the song You see and ensued, it is personal but it is part of the song during the holiday season there are a lot of familial stresses that come up and this is a way to bend them by singing this this particular two oh wow I just not that way on it no it is it is there I mean there's a there's a lot of similarities actually. Oh, yeah, but you know what I did. I did get you guys some gifts. Oh, I can't wait. It's better fucking believe I will not be enabling to bring my god damn furniture. So you can either.

It's fine, it's fine. Exactly. Okay, hold up. Up to you. That was terrible. Thank you. That was really cool. Oh, good. That was really cool.

So, okay, I got gifts for both of you. Use the door. I know that you like giving out rocks, so I made you a bag to hold your rocks. What a wonderful bag! I cut the pocket out of one of my pairs of pants and use some grass as a drawstring. So you can only hold about two rocks in it. Oh, this is a wonderful gift and homemade makes it so much more personal.

But you really should get a job. Yeah, that's fair. Uh, Chun. Yeah? You, I consider you my closest friend here. Oh. For better. For better. For better for worse. Okay, it's mostly worse, but I, you know what? It's the holiday season, and I love you.

I love you too, buddy, and I, I made a little sculpture of the two of us as friends. It's me and you and a little Badger. Oh. I made it out of mud. I didn't have a kill or anything. So it's still just mud. But, yeah, it's just kind of melting. But, you know, if you change forms, then I can come in, I can change you from a Badger

into whatever animal that you are. Yeah, because wet mud is malleable. Yeah, I can also a little bit like you got a little poopy in that mud. A little poop in that mud. No, it's safe. I just, that ditch behind the Vermilion Minotaur. Oh, no. No.

Yeah, that's... You're like a sweet child. I mean, if you were of a child's age, we'd feed you to the dogs. Yeah, this might be, this might be 80, 90% shit. It's the ditch where Chris shits when he can't make it home from the million midi-torch. Yes, yes. Well, I feel like our relationship is 80 to 90 percent shits. It's true, but the other 20 to 10 percent, I think that's right, is you don't know.

Well, anyway, oh, also I got one more gift for Mundle the Grendel is here every week and he plays the flute at the beginning and end of the show. He doesn't talk, but I got him a Vibers lap. It's a little instrument. I don't know. On Earth people know it because it's in every cake song. But besides that, so here Mundle, I thought you have songs for a cake. We should write a cake song.

At Pi as well. There's a real big debate as to whether a pie or cake is better. I would love to hear many different songs about delicious desserts. Sweet, rich cheesecake. Oh, here we go. He's going to descend upon your tongue. So creamy and rich and smooth flavor. Drizzled with a bit of dark chocolate. He's a strawberry strawberries on top of it

And then you'll sweat Oh no, he's going into the wizard's cake You short skirts Claw jackets and Dazzards Wow, he's really going the distance. Oh, Glenn Miller and Spence, I also have gifts for you. Here, dear, each of you take one of these rocks.

Oh, thanks. Now, whenever you hold these rocks and touch them together and say the magical words, you, Glenmiller, will be able to take some form of water and you, Spans, will be able to take the form of any kind of animal. Oh, dear Lord! Oh, wonderful. They're Wonder Twin rocks.

Oh, this is beautiful. Any animal I want. Any animal you want. So, any form of water. Any form of that useful? I mean, I could use that one. Can I be called Lake? You, uh, no, it's gotta be a roughly your body mass. Oh.

And there's only one Lake. Right. That's what I was trying to solve. Oh, wonderful. Great. Maybe I could become a badger and then, John, we could try and reestablish. Sorry.

Oh, no. You know, because, because then the main problem here was that I... I didn't want to be fucking myself for the rest of my life, you know? I understand. So if I turn to a badger, you can keep your badger for which... Yeah. Where I find you most sexually attractive.

Oh, thank you. Just something to think about. Yeah, well, I found the message. I know that you wrote, Chef. You know. So's I know that you I Become a beverage I took roots to make up rock and yes, of course become a beverage. Yes, be consumed. Yes, of course You can destroy your enemies. I don't know. Wait. Wait. Wait. Hold on. I'm sorry. I don't interrupt but what what happened? We want to listen I took the roots to make up point and she's dead. Oh

chant We want to listen I took the road to make up point and she's dead. Oh Chant I know What is that thing to happen at winter solstice? No, it's fine. It's I'm just gonna take it on Chris, you know Ah, yeah, good See I'm already smiling because I hear Chris. Should we sing another winter solstice song? Oh, yeah one of our favorite holidays Oh, one of our favorite holidays. Holidays, right boys? Oh, I love holidays. Holidays, holidays. I have to say that Yusidor is renowned

for his holidays, seeing. I love many of the holidays that we celebrate during winter solstice, but holidays might be my favorite. That's right in your wheelhouse. All right, everybody everybody are you ready? Yeah. It's that special time of year again. Our favorite time is here my friends.

So grab the ones you love and don't be late. It's a special time for you and me. So come on down so happily and help the world of food to celebrate. Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hullo! Hull Ugh. It's just such a wonderful release. It seems very cathartic. Would we do that again? I think I kind of get it now. You like joy? Yeah, absolutely. I could use some of that. I could use some of that.

You're beautiful. All right. It's that special time of year again. Our favorite time is here, my friends. So grab the ones you love and don't be late. It's a special time for you and me, So come on down so happily and help the world of food to celebrate.

Hard days! Hard days! Hard days! And now for starting, just starting. Hard days! Hard days! Hard days! Oh, no! Wonderful! You really do look like a person. Wow, you're crying. I am. Sorry, this has been... Let it out. Oh, no! You really do, Psypherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpherpher During that time, I was able to spend some time at the court of the Belarus. At which time, I asked them for a special boon, and as I have served them long and served

them well, they granted this gift to me. This piece of parchment here officially declares you, ah, knee, knee camp, to be a full citizen of the land of food food with all the rights and privileges there within. So I didn't have there certain rights and privileges I didn't have. No, we've thrown you into prison at any time. Yeah. Well this thank you. I mean you saved my life, saved my freedom. Well now you're officially one of us. Congratulations. I have some mixed feelings about that. One of us.

One of us. One of us. Big, bum, bum, one of us. One of us. That's another wonderful holiday song. Oh, everybody. Len and I have a present for you as well. Oh, as you all know, we have perfect pitch.

Yes. As traveling barred. Well, if we sing a perfect C and hold the note, pretty soon our voices will combine and create powers that will fill your body, with feelings you have never felt before. And oh, well, we'll just leave the rest. You will experience it. Are you ready? I'm ready.

Wait, Glenn, you're singing in the... Oh, God damn it. Come down to me. Let's see one more time. We do have perfect, but just swear. Give me the sea. Okay, one more, two, three. I'm feeling it.

Do you feel that? Yeah, it's something. It's just like a rattle in my chest. Oh, I think I'm having a heart attack. I was just saying my heart attack. Am I having another stroke? It hurts. I was just saying, am I having another stroke? Oh, it's gonna hurt. Oh!

Oh! I saw my future. How'd you like it? That was amazing. I think I've ruined my future. How'd you like it? That was amazing. I think I've ruined my pants. Well, thank you, Glenn Miller and Spance. Thank you so much for sharing all those winter souls to the soul. It was a dear pleasure and congratulations on your citizenship.

But yeah, yeah, this episode has been a real emotional roller coaster ride for me. What's a roller coaster? It's like a... It's a.... Yeah yeah. Okay, because I don't want to talk about our stuff. Can I read an email? Yeah, please do. I got an email here. This is a two-chunt at gmail.com of course, chunt with six teas. You can reach me and email me. This is from Carlos Luna. Carlos writes Hey Chunt on earth. We have these famous books about the wizard boy that fought a dark lord. And in one of those books, there was a character named Thomas, who went by Tom, who the Wizard Boy to assume was

good. Anyways, it turns out a few rearranged the letters in Thomas' full name and spells out the true name of the Dark Lord. It got me thinking why does Arnold always want to be called Arnie, maybe because if you rearrange the letters in Arnold Knee Camp, you get Dark Mole Pain. I'm not saying Arnie is the Dark Lord, but think about it. He showed up out of nowhere. He's constantly broadcasting interviews with a recording device. He just so happened to

befriend the one person whose mission it is to defeat the Dark Lord. And he's always constantly asking questions about magical abilities. Watch her back, bro. Are you- I'm gonna ask you point of the link. Are you the Dark Lord? I am not the Dark Lord. Check's out. I mean, I- I- You said I- have you seen the Dark Lord? Or is it more like a force that you are Dark Lord? I am not the Dark Lord, check out. I mean, I- You said I would- You said I would- You said I would- I mean, I- You said I would- You said I would- You said I would-

You said I would- You said I would- You said I would- You said I would- You said I would- You said I would- You said I would- You said I would- You said I would-

He used to be, uh, one of our order. Really? Yes, sir. The Dark Lord used to be a wizard? Born as a wizard, yes. Turn to darkness. Yes. What-

What color of wizard was the Dark Lord? Black should have been a giveaway. Hahaha. Sure. His robes. Yeah, sure, yeah, of course. Don't look at me like that. There, no. Hey, you know what, I've got an email here.

I wanted to let you know that binge listening to you guys on my commute every day and hearing you having so much improv fun, I don't know what that means. Lately gave me the confidence to try something I've never done before. I volunteered to be Santa at a work function and remained in character the whole time. Soutsoffel. Santa.

Santa. Santa is a magical character on earth during Christmas. Is he a wizard? Kind of. What are his colors? Red. Oh. during Christmas. See you, Wizard. Kind of. What are his colors? Red. Oh, he wears a red robe and a red hat,

and he magically flies all over Earth, bringing presents to children on Christmas. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. Seems well, so suspicious. Might not sound like much, but I'm usually shy, and a month ago, I'd have been scared of dying on my arse in front of people I know. Hearing you guys having so much fun gave me the nudge to just go for it.

I managed to keep going even though my pants ripped midway through. Maybe that would be a time to stop, actually. And people still reckon it's the best work Santa we've ever had. Oh, wonderful. Merry Christmas or whatever other midwinter tradition you're going to celebrate in Fune, thanks. All of them. That was wonderful.

I'm so happy that we could inspire someone to do something that made them happy. Yeah! Oh, here, let's see, I got one more. That's the winter solstice, is all about. Except for Chris. Yes, and making Chris do horrible things. Let's see, I got one more here. Hey, Arnie Chant, you said, or I just turned

onto your podcast about two weeks ago and I'm hooked. I found enough time to listen so that I'm on episode 33 only about seven episodes behind. But I also got my awesome 15-year-old daughter Bailey hooked on the podcast and we listened to it in 30-minute chunks on the drive to school. She is particularly fond of Yusidor, not in that way I hope. I've already bought her a Yusidor t-shirt from from Ann Arbert T's, alright, for Hanaka, and she's going to be very excited. Oh yes, they have shoes on her too, so you're gonna be fine.

Oh, so that's right. That's right, the juice here in Foon Love Yusidor. Yes, yes, it is. It's already, but what I'd really like to get her is a shout out from you guys, except since she's only on episode 10 or so, and you've already way past that in episode 40, there's no way that she'll hear from you in time for Hanaka, since we're in the middle of it now. By the time she gets to 40, you'll be on 50 and by the time she catches up entirely, it'll be March. So I was thinking, if Yusudor has some way to go back in time and give Bailey some sort of shout out in, say, episode 11

or 12 which will listen to while it's still Hanukkah, that would be great. I know there may be other things that one could do with time traveling powers, but isn't brightening a young girl's day the greatest gift in the world. Thanks in advance or behind, Eric Garcia. What do I look like, can the wizard? I know, yeah. I can't do that.

You're not a master of time in space. No, I'm a master of light and shadow. I'm sure when Bailey hears this episode there'll be a lot of conversations that need to be had between her and her. Yeah, yeah. Hanaka is already over here in food, so I assume it's over on Earth. I don't know if they happen at the same time, but one would think. Yeah, I think Hanaka would be over as well.

But you know what? Uh, Bailey? happy Hanukkah? Future end past. Eric, let me say this to you. You are a wonderful father to reach out to us to make your daughter happy. And we wish you the happiest of holidays and a happy Hanukkah. And to Bailey, I am over 300 years old

and you are only 15. This is not the time for us. So yeah, get in touch in 200 years. Yes, even in a couple hundred years. See what happens. Well, thank you so much, guys. Yeah. And I just want to say, you know, this can be a difficult time of year and I've had a kind of a rough year, but... Why?

Being... After hearing... Trapped hearing food is a little bit difficult being a wave being a stranger in a strange land all right but but you sir thank you so much for always being here and trying to get me to go on your quest and Sean thank you for being my first friend here in food and keeping me alive all this time you're welcome buddy and Mundo Lagrando thank you for playing being literally being the only person

that's been here at every episode. And Glenn Miller in spans, thank you so much for coming and sharing some. I was gonna say holiday cheer, but cheer is maybe not the right word. Oh, I feel cheer. Hey man, I love you. I love you.

Arnie, why don't you take out your grievances on Chris as we close out our front door? Sure. Are you like another go at it? Yeah, yeah. All right. When we're celebrating our Christmas, where Chris must do everything we ask.

We're celebrating our Christmas, where Chris must. Chris must go on a quest to figure out a way that can get me back to Earth that doesn't involve any amount of child death. Chris and I will both go to Earth, I'll reunite with my family, then Chris will go and find SpinTax, who is currently somewhere on Earth. I've been trying to follow his adventures on Twitter, they're a little confusing, but worth doing, checking them out. At SpinTax, the green on Twitter. Then Chris and Spintax will go and figure out what's going on with that Patelope girl

that needs to stop the void. Patelope, Patelope, then Chris will learn to be a better person that people will like. He'll come back to Foon, he'll fight the Dark Lord with Yusidor and Chunt. After that, he'll help Yusidor and Chunt come over to Earth where he can visit me and my family and we'll all hang out. Well, you guys will get a house next door to my house with my family and we'll be best friends on Earth. Oh, that's pretty nice.

That's the best Christmas I've ever heard. Also, he's gotta eat some shit. Yeah! Yeah! I heard. Also he's gotta eat some shit. Yee-hee! Yay! Oh boy, the two things I learned today are Luke and Lear actually both clones of Django Fett. And none of that was actually... Oh my second spine still aches from that devastating laser attack by Trisha number 8,049. Here I can help.

Good, yes, thank you. But please, I'll still do the acto credits because someone's got to call out their unprofessionalism. It's somehow healing for me. Yuzador was played with juvenile enthusiasm by Matt Young, causing the ladies to line up around the corner to go somewhere else. Chant the whatever it is was played by Adolfi. Listen closely and you can almost hear how much macaroni and cheese he's eaten in the last 35 years. Special guests Glenn Miller and Spence were played by Nick Gage and Meredith Steppion

from Star Kid and Jim and the Poverlos. That's all the realness my body can dish out right now. Alright here, let me help you back to your bed to rest. Greg, one more thing! Happy Gundershtine. Hello? Hello? Can anybody hear me? My name is Kern, and for as long as I can remember, I've been orbiting around the Grasshorn Galaxy. But I just remembered, I think I left my space heater on at home.

I know, I know, the irony is not lost on me, but if somebody could please go to my house and check it out, I'd appreciate it. I don't want to burn down the whole neighborhood! Okay, he's gonna be okay, I think it'll just take some time. Anyway, hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Evan Chicover, and Ryan D. Georgie, this episode edited by Ryan D. Georgie. Andy Poland did the theme, Allard LeBond, did the logo, and you can check the show out on Twitter and Facebook. If you're still looking for a winner's solstice present for that special someone, remember,

we do have t-shirts. I don't know how fast they shipped, though, so you don't have to look into that yourself. Hey, you want to know the best piece of proof that none of this is real? The podcast is taking next week off. Why would that happen if it were real? But yeah, no new episode next week, but there will be a fun bit of extra bonus content, so keep listening for that. All this festive holiday business was sponsored by Emporium Arcade Bar, with help from the

Chicago Podcast Co-op. Learn more about Emporium at EmporiumChicago.com and the Chicago Podcast Co-op at ChicagoPodcastCo-op.com. And if you need to fill that next week's sized hole in your podcasting schedule, check out another Chicago Podcast Co-op show like Our Fair City, a subversive post apocalyptic science fiction audio epic for the internet. Sounds like my life. Our Fair City, part of the Chicago podcast co-op. Well, I'm going to head up to deck 10 and see if I can figure out what's been crawling around the vents.

If something got in here, maybe I can get out. So have a great holiday, everybody. Get out. So have a great holiday, everybody.