Hello From The Magic Tavern - 46 - Assassin

Episode Date: January 22, 2016

No guest this week. Looks like another Boys Ni--wait, who's this guy at our table?CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungAssassin: Ross KimballBungaree Chubbins: Tom GottliebMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Be warned! The following podcast is not real, but it is really sponsored by Field Notes Brand. USA made memo books and other products, including seasonal limited editions. Visit fieldnotesbrand.com or 400 North May. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fune. I'm your host Arnee Nekamp. If you haven't listened to the podcast before, this is what you need to know. Many months ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical land of fune.

Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King. I sink through the dimensional riff that I fell through, and I'm using that to upload a podcast that I record every week, here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogg's Face, in the land of Foon, and I'm joined as always by my Goon Companion. I am Usador, a wizard of the twelfth realm of a feces master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devour of chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakas, the elves known as Fying Yalak, the dwarves know me as Zodyn and Huk Stangies,

and I am known in the northeast as guessmwayneus Maystar, and oh, believe me, friends. Hear me now. There are so many secret names of great power and wonder and magic that I shouldn't hear reveal to you. Yay! If you were to come up to me and ask me, or an or an or again, I would never respond. Tightly pussed all would remain as he kept those names secrets, making sure that all

are protected from the power and the magic of my name! I'm contractually bound not interrupt you anymore and I feel like really pushing you longer and longer. Am I? Hey, how about my other buddy? Hey, John, how you doing? I'm alright. I'm a little a little weirded out, little sad. Oh, what's going on Chuchu? There's this old woman in town that I really enjoy her name for Becca with a K and That you really last night they found her dead is She's a little old lady she got me deleted late husband. Oh What happened what a sad story she's a little old lady and she got me deleted late last night

Terrible yeah, I don't know if it's wearables or we don't know what it is. I'm so so sorry lady and she got me to wait until late last night. That's terrible. Yeah, shantai. I don't know if it's werewolves or we don't know what it is. I'm so so sorry. But uh, yeah, I mean it's just that it's a word time to be living in hogs face. So you're saying there's a real possible werewolf, where I'm going on in hogs face right now? That is literally what I just said. There are all sorts of dealings here in Hogsface. There's the minions of the Dark Lord grow more bold and fearless and feel free to attack sweet old ladies.

What did you like about her so much? Yeah, you really seem to enjoy her, you said? Well, come on, hey, come on, be respectful. And Ani's defense, it is a peculiar choice of wording. No, she was just very kind to me She would always you know just have like a little You know a little treat for me like anytime I pass you even if she didn't know it was me if she just thought I was like a random animal She would give me a treat. Oh, so she's just constantly feeding animals. Yeah, mm-hmm. Oh, that's probably why aware

We'll protect probably like she's like treat of all. Yes, here's a milk bone where I will. That's my friend, you guys. Come on. No, no, I'm sorry. What was it named? Her name's Rebecca with a K. Rebecca with a K? Is that really that hard to swallow?

Have we told you about milk bones? Yeah. Your name is Arnie Neacamp and you can't fathom a world in which there's a Rebecca with a K. A hundred percent, honestly, when I think I, like my brain processed that wrong. Like, I thought the K would have to do. It's so simple. K-R-E-B-E-C-C-A-K.

Rub back up with the K. Oh, okay. What's so hard about that? Oh, totally, then that makes total sense. That makes total sense. It's inseparable. That makes total sense. Hey, guys, I think we should just,

we should talk to our guests. Yeah, I mean, I'll be fine There's no need to check in with me. I don't know anything. I'm so sorry. Yeah, that's fine Do you need do you want to talk? No, I did but now we're past it so I hug hug hug All right, come here hug hug real hug They didn't I You should know I have witnessed the hug. It was a one arm. What's this? One arm Pat Illinois state license.

No way he came back. What is this? Yeah, I've heard these men on these pieces of paper. Those beautiful creased giant paper. These green papers. Oh, that's money. That's money. That's money. It's useless here. You seem surprised that you had such a paper with men's faces.

Who poops out little sheets of paper like that? The US government. Oh, okay. Check it out. But again, we have a guest here, and I don't know anything about him. He just sort of, I thought we were not having a guest today. I didn't, I had not planned to have a guest.

We were gonna do a boys night, but he just sat down at our table. He's been kind of just staring at us. Hello. Sir, welcome to the- I thought that was a statue. No, that's a guy. Oh, it's on hey. Oh good. Good. How are you? I'm good. I am Yusador and this is Arnie and Chant Chant the talking Badger slash shape shifter. Hello. Yeah, gotta be honest. I'm not gonna be here for a long time I'm just gonna take a seat. It's pretty busy in here today. Yeah. Oh, are you on the lamb? No.

I'm actually searching for someone on the lamb. Oh. Oh. Are you like a... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. You're a constable? No.

What's a cop? A-a-a-dutifully-as-a-pointed guard of the realm. Also sometimes colloquially Sometimes colloquially referred to as a cop in your mouth as you're waking up. Sometimes colloquially referred to as a cop. Thank you, thank you for getting used to or usually recover from his strokes, but you got him out of it much faster than usual.

You have to tell us if you're a cop. That's a thing. All right, not a cop. All right, I'm looking for this man though. Oh, is anybody recognize that man? He looks familiar. Someone likes me. It's not very, it's, I gotta be honest, it's not the best drawing.

It's not. It's just like an oval with two dots. People that ugly usually go to the smoldering will do. Oh! Clear, everyone stand up! Oh! That's the... Uhhhhhh!

Yes, are you alright? You're just stroking after stroking. The smoldering widow is another Tavern here and ta where the more Despicable elements of our society to like to drink yeah a lot of unsavory characters Exactly, I was just there. Oh look for this guy I'm bothering you guys. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Someone's getting married soon. You guys are not that's they but we're not celebrating no, it was no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Your Hank. It's the closest anyone's ever gotten my name. That's always the hell you get that.

I am Yusudor. Wisdom of the 12th realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow. An e-be-later of magical delights. The Vowel of Chaos! Tribute of the Great Cloud! All of the... Go! Go! Go! We'll just let him...

I'm thinking about... Let him go through this one. I'm thinking about playing him in the this I'm thinking about playing in the home It's about time. He's a few hundred years old. I think it's I know. It's a dangerous time for the owner Yeah, I'm dependent like I want him to feel like he has his independence. Sure So I'm trying to you know, maybe figure out a good home to put them in so it doesn't you know good wizard homes We just feel like he's sure he's being baby is a wizard. He's yeah, that's how we get close my got close to my name. Oh, yeah magical it magically figured it out three years ago I got put a spell on me

I got put a spell on you. Yeah, put a spell on you. But it was your name to kill him. Oh, that's what I do You kill people. Yeah, are you a killer? Yeah? Fancy name is assassin. Assasin? Yeah, fancy name is Sason. Sason? Sason? Yeah, assassin. Assassin? I'm an assassin. Wow, and this person, this crudely drawn person, you've been hired to kill this person.

Yeah, I've never met this man. Do you have a name? Here's my concern about you've been hired to kill this person. Here's my concern, you're asking way too many questions. Sorry, I also got this satchel full of weapons Whoa, that is that there's just knives and stuff poking out of this bag Hello, hey, you said are I Right now I remember I've seen that crudely drawn person

Where? He's friends with Rebecca Oh yeah They were not married for they were both widows He was a widow, uh I think they were just fuck buddies Oh yeah! They were not married, for they were both widows. He was a widow, uh. I think they were just fuck buddies. Oh. Yes, exactly.

I was going to be in the... Whoa, wait, wait, wait. What did this woman look like? I mean, everyone looks like that picture. That is a really crazy picture. It really is just a long one. I'm not talking about the man, the woman. This is my first day here.

Last night, I was here for the first night. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah, what is it? She was only over 90? No, she's an octogenarian so she's in her 80s. Oh, is that what that means? Do you have that word on her? We do and I've never... I always do it meant old. Oct. Oct. Oct. Oct. Oct. It's a prefix that means eight. Yeah, now I'm getting it. No, I'm not good with that. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,. Oh no no no! What's wrong? Oh! Nameless man.

I think I killed her last night. Oh my. Oh no. I was just going through checking doors, downtown, and five of them were open. I have a rule I don't kill children. Unless they were put a spell on or if they're half animal. And also kind of nature takes care of kids anyway. Well, sometimes they grow in and I understand what you're saying Sometimes children got put a spell on them and then you just have to kill them. Yeah

Yeah, they got put a spell on Wizard screaming Hawkins the that that wizard will put a spell on anyone. Yeah, it's very true Do you know screaming Hawkins? Oh, of course. Yes. Yes. That guy's insane. Yeah, he's a nut. This is first name Jay. No. Yeah. Okay, so I'm sorry. So this is it's very it's very difficult to address you without knowing your name. Is there like like a nickname or something we can call you? How about almost Hank? Honk? How did you know that? Is it honk? How the hell did you know that that you said it's like Hank I guess honk honk honk Don't do that look at his nose honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk honk I'm gonna go I ordered a I ordered some meat up with the front. I'll be right back boy bring them meet Oh into this table for this gentleman. I don't have money for tip so I can't tip it take care of it You seem like a nice guy I would see charge for your services. It depends how much does it weigh? How much is worse away? How much do you? I'm not gonna kill I don't yeah don't kill me. I can kill him. He's new. Yeah, fine. Yeah, he's been here for a year

How did you accidentally kill? Yeah, so you were knocking that you're you're open five doors and hogs face That you have a role you won't kill children except for a few exceptions right well I was walking through No, as you see the picture you're right and looks like everybody Everybody so you know I do a quick double take, I look at the person, look down, look up again. And I'm just quick with the draw. And just slicing everything I see. Oh god, did you kill five people last night or not at once? Not at once. But total, yeah. Yeah, total. She looked old, right here? Yeah, that's her. Yeah yeah so you're a murderer an

assassin hired oh you seem so nice blade man well I'm new to this is about six moons since I've had a regular job oh so you're a new assassin yeah what did you do before you're an assassin almost Hank yeah assistant assassin no no you can't just jump into do it. There's no... There's no training involved. There's no training involved? No, no, no, no.

No, no. It's just really the... Willingness to do it. I suppose if your assassination method... Yeah. ...is to go door to door and just kill whoever... ...looks like that picture... ...that looks like everyone.

There would be no training required. Well last night I was tired. Oh, I try to find a place to sleep and I was I got I was upset What were you upset about? Oh? Hawk this is a safe place if you have something you need to get off your chest. You've already admitted yeah I'm doing a lot of people maybe guys. Maybe he's missing companionship Maybe you know, Hawk, if you're horny, let us know. And we'll... I'm not... I'm not... And first of all, I will never admit that. I would never admit that to people I just met. If you went the companionship of a woman, there's plenty. No. No, I can't. I'm a traveler. I'm on a mission. I'm on a job.

I'm on a job. I can't do that. I think I might be having a stroke myself. Everyone up, everyone up! Yeah! Yeah, kill him, kill him! Kill him! How many fingers, how many? Three.

Isn't that refreshing? Yes. Okay, just don't do that again. Okay, here you go. Let's take a quick break. Let's get Honk his meat. Let's I'm gonna get some water Can I get you guys around? Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, so you said you didn't have money to for tip. Oh, I have money for food and drink No, you have oh, I see a rainbow ball. Thank you. All right, great

You know, I'm gonna try people I heard people talking recently about prophecy wine. I want to try some prophecy wine. That's so great Just an ale dark light whatever. Whatever they've got. What are your seasonals boy? What are the seasonals here? I have a menu. What is this? I'm gonna have to ask at the bar. I don't know, unfortunately. Alright. Alright, we'll be right back. Bungery Chubb and Jiffa. Chubb and Jamey parts and so forth. Some have asked me, why is it called that? What about their so forth?

What do you have that I can't get to Pen Halligan's pretty parties? Well in addition to our Jamey parts, we have Spatoons, Booger Banks for the wee ones. Um, oh yes, we also send hooks for Mency's Rags, no self-respecting woman, human goblin, or otherwise, should be without one. What else? Oh, we have pieces of broken crockery on the shop floor and the boy never cleans up. Those are free of charge. So, chubbens, gym reparts, and so forth. We have things that some people need.

Okay, hey! Colloquially! What's that? Colloquially! Colloquially! Colloquially! Colloquially! Let's go. Colloquially! Colloquially!

Colloquially! Colloquially! Colloquially! Colloquially! Colloquially! Colloquially!oquially colloquially colloquially colloquially colloquially colloquially Colloquially. What's the uh what's the cinnamon for that? Uh, errrr It is to define it would to say it's a common local Slinges. Yes perfect. You know

Sling. Guys, let's not talk about this. Let's talk about, honk has been killing people. I wanna know more about his killing people. Well, I mean, think that, you know, that means that there's no whirlpool on the prowl. But I mean, also, rest some peace with him. I think I did kill her though. I don't know if there's a whirlpool. Honk, I have a question for you.

So, how? You don't have a name for this person that you're supposed to kill. No, just a drawing. Just a drawing. Can you walk me through what happened when you were hired? Without naming names.

No, I don't do that. A night wolf came to me. A night? Oh, there is a wolf run. Well, this isn't a South Bay. Oh, okay. I think there are two different things, but night wolves came to me. Parchment around a snack came to it. This guy walked the South Bay. Oh, okay. I think there are two different things, but Night Ball came to me.

Parchment around the snack. Oh, okay. This guy walked up the job. Yeah. You know, he walked up the job and now his boss wants me to kill him. Oh, wow. I don't ask questions.

I just do my job. So the shirt was drawing, which I did, from what he told me. Oh, okay. So, what did he tell you? Do you remember? He said, find this guy. I need him back.

He's one of my best managers, and his bookstores are gonna land anywhere. By looking at the picture, I think what he told you is, this person has a head, and two eyes, and a mouth. Yeah. Well, it's been a few... It's been a few... And that does help. That does help narrow it out.

Yeah! Yeah, it's definitely some sort of face. Could be any of these. Could be you guys. Oh yeah, I mean, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, it's definitely some sort of face. Could be you guys. Oh yeah, I mean, that looks like all of us in all of us at the same time. Well, it doesn't look like you. Yeah, thank you. That's true.

It looks like a person. It does not look like a badger. It doesn't look like an animal. It doesn't have a long white beard. OK, so I will admit that of the three of us at this table, it does look the most like me. I do have a beard though. There is no beard on this drawing so

but that narrows it down a lot but it's been a few it's been a few loans so you could have grown a beard sure I mean you could have lost a lot and I so I did you say what this person is what they did to warrant an assassination well they're a manager of a bookstore in the South Bay oh just that's a great no and they walked off the job. They walked off the job. Two hours of new shift. Oh, this big shit making and the story is incredible. Big shit came in.

Well, I don't know if I can say that's incredible. I'm in throw. Oh, I'm in throw. Sorry. Sorry. OK. It's OK. Hong, Hong, Hong, Hong. I'm in throw.

I'm in throw with the story. Please tell me. If you guys are done, OK. I'm done. You guys have trouble the story. Please tell me I'm here. Oh, can I get a order of a goose feet. Thank you so much. I don't know why I just got craving for goose feet sounds good Ugly cry Oh Not really cry That's right. Oh, honk is it you what was what was your job before you were hired to be an assassin school teacher a school teacher Oh, let's substitute school teacher a substitute school

Wow at a jizzle knob. Yeah, wow. I've just school at North Wow at a jizzle knob Yeah, wow, I've just heard just a little bit about jizzle knob. No one's heard just I heard about it from Yes, we spoke to the headmaster can the wizard You know can yes, we know can well. Oh, man. That guy's great. He is great. He guy's great. Tell me how to read. He's all right You know what Hawk you're great Hawk you're great. I have a few reservations about some of the things you've done really, but no you guys mean it for real Yeah, yeah, yes absolutely. Thank you. Thank you. Have you successfully completed an assassination yet? Or is this your first? Yeah, yeah sure Yeah, I'll tell some tell some story of it. No, all right.

No, more everyone is up dead. So it's not actually, this is pretty funny. What do I start? Oh, a funny assassination story. Well, use a club, anyway. So, I was following this guy for about, you see, about three weeks. Or the weeks does everyone see that? Yeah, they do.

So, I was following this guy for three weeks and woods, and I got him to this point where there was a river crossing, right? And so, you know, I'm waiting for us to get there. And get my blades out, and I carry everything in the sack. So, I have blades. Yeah, it makes a lot a little bit of a rock.

Yeah, and I also have my clothes and spices and things like that. So I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out. I see him. I'm like, I gotta get this guy. And I grab at the time the sun is going down. No, no, this is a different guy. Okay, that wasn't the funny one.

Oh, is this a black horrible one? Yeah, I drown him. I put a bunch of rocks in his pocket. Oh, no.'t the funny one. Oh, is this like horrible? Yeah, I drown them. I put a bunch of rocks in this pile. Oh, no. I had the knife. It was like, just kill me, just kill me. I was like, no, I'm gonna like this. I haven't eaten three days.

So I stripped him of all his clothes, put on his clothes, and then until I ate him, I just imitated him. Uh-huh. You know, usually people get a good laugh. No, it's good, it's no. No, no, know, usually people get a good laugh. I'm gonna go. No, that's good. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-ju-ju? No, no, no, no. Honk, I have a question for you. If I were to hire you to kill somebody. How much is it away? I don't know how much he weighs. I don't know much about him. What if we hire Honk to assassinate the Dark Lord? Ooh. He weighs 700 pounds. 700 pounds, is he?

He's a fat dude. He's tall though. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that would be a standard park. I don't know. He carries it well. Eight feet? Eight yeah, how tall are I don't know Here's it well eight feet eight feet. So he's still like real fast. He's got a lot of weight on this trip He did it's distributed well. He's dangerous. Don't think he is not dangerous Oh, he is the most dangerous creatures ever walked the piece of food I with his blood red eyes and his greasy black hair

You should be drawing this, hon. His terrible, bad, breath. You just threw an oval with two dots. Ridiculous. Don't watch. I'm not done. No. Diculous tax codes. Oh, there is no one more dangerous.

Oh, yay, he may be packing a few extra pounds, but know that he shall pound you just as easily. See, right hand it, left hand it. You haven't even drawn a body. You just threw a head and you put fatty across the forehead. Can you just scoop back a little bit and let me finish this? Yeah, sorry. He's ambidextrous.

How much would that run us? Colloquially, that means he uses both hands. Got it, got it. All right. Uh, let's see. This guy? Yeah, sure. I mean, that's anybody.

That's anybody. That's the word fatty on their forehead. It looks like a taller version of the first thing you drew. How much you guys got? I have this earth money. It's rare is very rare here. There's all kinds of men's faces on it. Yeah.

Let's see, I have 28, 29, 29 rubies. What about you, bloke? You have a part of me for a moment. You have a lot of those. And they all have the number one on it. Yes. Is that mean they're the best? Yes, these are the number one type of money on earth. Oh Wow, let me see that one. Let me see the one. Sure. What is the best by it's a what is it best about? It's it's a store. It's a store where you get like a magical boxes

Thing like merkins. I love merkins yeah starting to self-pay we're in front oh yeah sure so is there just a buy is there a buy in like a best buy no I don't want to talk about it buy better buy and best buy yeah like a three stores before you go to buy if you're rich you go to best buy if you're a merchant you go to better buy I don't want to talk about it I still could level with you guys. Yeah. Yeah. I was here to kill one of you And I can't do it. Oh I came over here cuz this guy was yelling

Yeah, no one everyone here just was cool with it. So I barely do it all the time. Yeah exactly don't kill one of us But I'm really curious which one of us you were here to kill. I mean, do whatever you have to do. You. You, Siddore! Me? We're here to kill you. The nut picture doesn't even have a beard on it.

This I just drew the set side. Ah, this is your work story? Cover story. I think the honk was not a cover story. No, it was all a ruse. Oh, fear not, honk. You are no danger to Yusodor. That's you though. Yes. You talk like that all the time. But what do you mean?

But you talk about yourself when you say your name. I'm loud. Yusodor speaks however he wishes to speak. I, for he is one of the greatest wizards air to walk the lands of Foon protecting all the children and the men and the women of this land elves and dwarves and dixies and fairies. He stabbed him! What? Shut up.

No, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh What are you trying to do? Stab me to death? Come on! Mm-hmm. Oh, man. That was great.

That was great. That was great. It was a nice, if I were a regular human, that would have been a great assassination. Hey, you want to feel better kill Arnie? No! I will not survive that. I will not survive that. Here, you kill me.

Oh. I'm done. No one needs to kill you. I'm done. You're free. Huh, no. I just watered back. Do go ahead and kill me. No, who do you want back? What? Who do you want back? You said I want her back. So are solar? The sun you want the sun. Shut up. I've had about enough of you. Those are names. Solar. Solar.

That's beautiful. That's not that weird of a name, comparatively. But Rebecca with a K is... Fuck you dude. Where's the K? Is the K in the beginning? BEEP So, honk, it's been really nice meeting you and um... I appreciate it guys, I was trying to kill me. Oh yeah, who is trying to kill Yusador? Who hired you to kill Yusador?

Spin tex. We already talked about him. Oh, I'm going to start with you to kill Yusudor? Spin tex. We already talked about him. Oh, and then start working. The Dark Lord? No. Rebecca, me? Can. Can, the wizard.

Oh my gosh, and it could have been any number of cans. He's still upset that you forgot to give him a wedding gift. I didn't realize he'd gotten married. That's why he's pissed. Oh, man. Oh, man. You don't even know writing. No.

No hawks or pigeons brought anything. Did he fact? He's confusing to talk to. Yeah. He doesn't know a lot about himself. Yeah, Arnie, I wish you could have been around. I know. I wish you could have been here.

It's like talking to you. Yeah, I imagine I'll meet him someday, but I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe never on the podcast. I shall purchase a gift of the most glorious nature. And I shall give it to my good friend, Kan, the wizard. And then you will have completed your quest because you will no longer need to murder me.

Oh, you make it as easy. Like you could anyway. Come on. You're making this very easy for me. Just do me a favor. He asked no plates. They have a bunch of plates and they don't need any more plates. No plates. Just like you're just like curiosity used to door and maybe this is not information we should share in front of Hawk, but what can kill a wizard? Just about anything other than stabbing. Oh really? Yeah, stabbing is the one thing. You cannot stab me. Also, I can, uh, we've clearly established that you can set me on fire. It doesn't matter. Yeah, I'll just walk right through fire. Sure. Don't care. Can I can uh we've clearly established that you can set me on fire it doesn't matter.

Yeah. I'll just walk right through fire. Sure. Don't care. Can I ask a question? I won't drown. I can breathe underwater. Yes, what's your question? Do you have a regular blood in you? I have all kinds of blood in me. All kinds? Oh yeah, I just find it and I put a little extra in. Oh, maybe that's why I can't kill you. I feel like someday I'm gonna hire someone to kill you. What what? I don't know. How I feel like somebody I'm gonna hire someone to kill you. What what? I don't know. How dare you.

Let's jump into some of these emails, actually. What the hell? What the hell? What the knife down? We get people write us letters, basically, who listen to this podcast, and we respond to them on the show. I won't freeze to death. You say that you almost anything can kill you,

but you keep saying all things that can't kill you. I know, I said that, but then I think about it, and I'm not sure what would kill me. Well, we'll find out someday. All right, hey, I got this email, hello and happy birthday, Arnie. Oh, thank you, my birthday was a while back. This is Austin, the giant from Moore, Oklahoma.

I have been a follower of your podcast since week one and find it absolutely tremendous. Anyways, I wanted to say that it seems you don't get very much fan mail as Chant and Yousadore seem to take most of the spotlight in other emails. Therefore, I wanted to say that you are my favorite one in the show. All of your earth stuff references crack me up. I can't believe you've turned 40 you seem so much younger and you and down and hip you seem so much

younger and hip as if you were the same age as my friends we're in our early 20s so don't let the others get you down about your age thanks again for everything you guys do on a weekly basis. You're not old until you act old. Great for listener and fan, Austin the Giants. Oh, Arnie. That's great. Oh, Arnie. Why have you written this email to yourself?

It is the saddest thing I have ever heard in all of my days. I was believing you'd say you're over 300 years old. I was starting to believe it. And then you said it was from Oklahoma. Oh, ho! Which is just, I mean that sounds ridiculous. You just made up the word. No, but there's a K in it.

I don't understand where. Here's the look. I fully admit that if I were to write a fake email, it would be all so hard for word to say. It would sound just like that. It would sound just like that. It would sound just like that. It would sound just like that.

It would sound just like that. It would sound just like that. It would sound just like that. It would sound just like that. It would sound just like that. It would sound just like that. You sound way much hip or younger than you are. Yes! Yes! What about you, John? Did you get any emails? I did. I got an email here. You can always email me at John's. That's John with 6Ts at gmail.com. I got an email from Kevin Sauer.

He says, hi, John's big fan. May I have permission to call you Chuchu in a future email? Oh, how nice. Oh. Yeah. Oh, great. It's very friendly. Chuchu is at us.

It was that the whole message? That's the whole thing. Okay, great. We also got one here from Karate Stereo. It says, hey, Chuchu. So I, so I memory Grimmons are kind of shapeshifters in your world too. Wait, I want to interrupt you, Chant. Did, what's the person Karate Stereo?

Karate Stereo. Did they send you an email beforehand asking you if they could call you to shoot in the same thing You should they should formally ask you most their way almost their way. Oh, no don't kill them So memories are kind of shapeshifters in your world too. What would happen if you fucked a memory Grimmlin That's decided completely random example took the form of your probably ex-wife Would you turn into a memory Grimmlin or would you turn into your wife? I anxiously await your reply? Love Simon. I feel like are they suggesting that we're the same person?

No, they're suggesting that... Sarah, move down. Yes, exactly. They're saying that there was a parallel memory Grimmlin who was probably Chun's ex-wife, just the way Sarah is, probably your ex-wife. She has moved on and found another man to satisfy her in a way she never could. Yeah, what do you call it a colloquialism? What is it?

Do you, what is it? Do you turn into things when you have sex with them? Yeah, my brother had that. Oh, it's not something I have, it's who I am. Did your brother got put a spell on him? He said that too. Here, I got another email here. Hey, Arnie, Chuchu and Yusidor, I was wondering Arnie, have you ever considered the doppelganger

effect or some sort of clone effect? Maybe when you went through the portal to Foon, you never actually left Earth. Maybe there is some sort of copy of you living your day-to-day life back on Earth while you are trapped there on Foon, and that's why Sarah hasn't tried contacting you because to her and your daughter Everything appears fine just a thought. Oh boy. That's very possible I mean that would explain a lot of stuff if there was another I mean it's very far escape season three But I don't it's very what I don't talk about earth's it, but yeah, what the hell is it?

It would take stay too long I couldn't I couldn't explain best by you guys. I don't think I'm gonna be able to explain far escape season three to you guys I think we get it's Merkins best by Is like my okay fair enough. I don't know well someone Well some of our listeners find out if there is a version of me on earth the thing about double gangers You have to be careful of is every time you make a copy the copy is of a lower quality than the original Oh my god, so there's a lower quality version you hear in here in food. Yes. Give me that wallet. What is TGIF? TGIF Fridays. What is it? It's a restaurant that celebrates the last day of the year

He said what is TGIF and then you said it's TGIF Fridays So you explained what one of the letters means, but not the other three. I think it stands for that Grim when I fucked. Mmm. TGIF, maybe. Oh, boy. All right. Hank, how much would it cost to kill Chuchu?

No. And what's Chuy? Uh, right now I'm probably like 17 pounds. I gotta afford that, I bet. Four rupees. Am I never going to find out what TGI means? Hmm. And so, another weekly meeting of the Peter Pan Syndrome Club is brought to a close. Isn't

it a shame fantastical realms like that don't exist, but they don't, because if they did and the Sci-Fi channel found out about it, they'd make a badly scripted mini-series of which we'd watch the pilot and then give up. Usador was played by Matt Young. Ugh, forgive that sigh of infinite disappointment. Chant the talking badger was at all refined. That's a vera by just made up for doing the bare minimum of something. Punk The Assassin was played by special guest Ross Kimball. Watch out for Ross in the upcoming Christopher Guest Netflix series, Mass Scots.

Bungery Chobbins was played by Tom Gottlieb. Craig, I'm guessing helping me with this outro stuff is all you have going on these days, so have at it. OK, hello from The Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Neacamp, Evangelicaver, and Ryan D. Georgie, this episode edited by Chris Rathjan, music by Andy Polind, logo by Aller LeBon with extra audio assistance by Jason Knox.

Visit us at hellofromtheMagicTavron.com or on Facebook or Twitter. I'm not allowed to get on Twitter until I finish mucking out the plasma siphoners. All of this fake stuff was sponsored by Field Notes and the Chicago Podcast Cooperative. Visit FieldNotesBrand.com or 400 North May and visit the Chicago Podcast Cooperative at www.ChicagoPodcastCoUP.com. Greg, over here by the viewport, have you ever seen an inverse black hole? Oh, no, I haven't. Neither have I, and there aren't any visible right now.

Okay. It's a funny old, famed life. you