Hello From The Magic Tavern - 50 - Larry Birdman

Episode Date: February 19, 2016

Larry Birdman is in town for a meeting to have a meeting to form a panel to change some Mittens rules and he stops by the podcast to discuss the Mittens Super Calvalcade Part 1.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungLarry Birdman: Rush HowellBlemish: Martin WilsonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig:Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Evan JacoverTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Citizens of Earth, take comfort in your isolation in the universe and know that the following podcast is not real. But, it is really sponsored by Emporium. Emporium's three Chicago land locations combine the best arcade games, craft beer and live events. Check out EmporiumChicago.com slash CPC for a free drink or game tokens. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnie Neckamp. If you haven't heard the podcast before, this is the business.

Almost a year ago I fell through a magical portal behind a Burger King into the fantastical land of fune. Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal. I have to imagine it's coming through that same magical portal that I can't find, but I know it's out there somewhere nearby. And I use that to upload a podcast that I record every week here in the tavern the Vermilion Minator in the town of Hogahog's face, in the land of Foon. And I am joined, as always, by my co-hosts, my buds, my Goon Companions. What's up? Chant, you are back to being a badger!

That's right. Poppy knows what he wants, and Poppy likes veggies. So you're just an alligator or a crocodile, wherever you were, for just a week. Yep. Back to being a badger, badger. Do you plan to swap around or? No, I don't plan to swap around. Uh-huh.

This isn't a conscious effort, I fall, you know. I'm attracted to someone and I, you know. Sure, I guess I think, because you can change, I guess I think of you being more conscious of wanting to change, but yeah, you're right. It's just who you have sex with who you have sex with Yeah, I have no agenda. I have an agenda. Oh, no. Where I am, Yusudor. Wizard of the twelfth realm of Ephesius. Master of light and shadow. Minibiliator of magical lights. Devour of chaos. Trebin of the great halls of Tarnakis. The ills Nobius Fia and Yelok, the doors Nobius Zonin and Huxangies,

that I am known in the North East as Gatsby. Gatsby Anus. Mmm, I should never have avoided that contract. And maybe other secret names you do not know yet. Does it bother you in the least that you're outsmarted by a barbarian? The Crom came up with a better joke than I could come up with. Mmm-hmm. Well, yes, a little bit, but mostly I'm just enjoying the gas my anus.

Like, that gift was given to us and I'm going to keep it going for a while. Do you know, do you have on earth the high road? Or, we're playing to the top of your intelligence? I've heard of those things. I've heard of those things. We also have this wonderful thing on my world called low hanging fruit and it's delicious. By the way, I wrote it so high, it's so far away.

By the way, my agenda is to defeat the dark lord. Oh yeah, we always forget about that. It's all I talk about. Yeah, all the time you should know as brain is turning, thinking of new ways to overcome the great yield of the princess. You brand new stop you mid-paintification on that. What have you done this week to help you in your quest to defeat the Dark Lord? I traveled all the way to Skirr. I spent many hours going through many mystical texts looking for arcane knowledge that would give me some edge, some bit of power to

overcome the dark load. And, eh, there. What did you do all week, huh? Yeah, what did you do all week? Did you get the lunar sword yet? I have not gotten the lunar sword yet. I actually spent a little more time around the Vermilion Minotaur this week because blemmish started like painting the walls all black and and I'm just sort of trying to keep blemishes creeping us at bay as much as possible. I thank you for this. Yeah. Good luck. Which one is blemish? Well, we should get to our guess. I'm super excited because we are joined once again by Larry Birdman. Hello Arnie, thanks for having me back. It's good to be back in the tank.

Welcome back Larry. Oh thank you, thank you. To that time of year, we're very excited. The Super Cavalcade Part One is nearing an end, I hope. I really, really hope. It could be weeks. And for new listeners who haven't heard when you're on before, explain what food mittens Lee is. Yeah, I just explain all of mittens like well

That's it's a tall task the rulebook is about 645 pages long But I can tell you that mittens is the most popular sport in all the phone I'm Larry Bergman. I'm the commissioner of the food mittens league the FML and the FML, and the Supercavulcade Part 1 and Part 2 are our yearly championship in two parts. Part 1 involves the second and third place team over the course of the year playing in the semi-finals, if you will, and the winner of that plays against the worst team for the championship, which is one of the rules out of many rules that I'm really dislike. That's right. As I remember, you are the one of the rules, out of many rules that I'm really dislike. That's right. As I remember, you are the commissioner of the league, but you're really just like the

vast majority of the rules. Well, I just like, I wouldn't say the majority, but I would say several key rules I really don't like. And so I'm actually here in town for a series of meetings that coincide with the end of the first cavalcade, to have a meeting and finally meet with a panel of seven elders to discuss some changes to the rules. So you're having a meeting to have a meeting to have a panel. That's correct. To discuss. Even the change. I chose my words very very carefully. We are having a meeting now.

That meeting will hopefully lead to a meeting. And at that meeting, we will choose a panel. And then that panel will get together and hopefully change a few of the rules. It seems so hard to reform anything in this game. I was just going to commend you for cutting through the red tape. Yeah, yes.

Are changing rules or laws in your world pretty simple, then? I don't know. I don't follow it that closely. We haven't changed a minens rule in probably 15 years. Wow. Not since I've been commended. What was the last rule that got changed? Well, oh, the last one that I can remember

is that you're not allowed to kill a guy for taunting you. Oh. It used to be perfectly legal. Yes, you were allowed to. I really missed that. I do too. Back when I played, you could kill a man for taunting you now. You can kill someone only for, you know, the five or six other reasons that you're allowed to kill someone in a...

It's the only time in all of food. You can't kill a man for taunting you. Very frustrating. Yes. So I'm not going to ask you to name all five or six weight reasons that you can kill someone, but what are like four of them? Four of well, one is if they are, if they get in your line of sight without requesting permission. Sure. That's tough in a sport. I know. So there's a lot of legal killing because of that. One is adultery.

Another one is... Sorry, clarifying question. Does the adultery have to happen during the game? No, or just in general. Totally unreasonable. There's no time for coitus during a game of mittens. No, I've just... You have to do the foreign language flashcards. There's no time for coitus. That's right. We've got the foreign... You're making frittadas, you're doing flashcards, you're doing all these things, you don't have time for that. No, if a man is ever or a woman is ever committed adultery,

they're free game to be murdered during a game of mittens. Oh boy. Another one is mispronouncing the name of the team that you're playing against. There are a few others, but you know. Man, aren't you? You should really join the team. See where the talk starts. It's the team.

I actually have a question for Arnie. Shouldn't we talk about all the exact same things that we spoke about with Larry before? Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just, part of it is, you know, it's a very complicated game. I haven't lived with it my whole life. So part of it is refreshing my memory of how this, what's a popular game on earth? Uh, football?

How do you play it? Uh, um, well, uh, what's a popular game you actually know something about? Hmm, hmm, uh, Let me ask you a question. Pac-Man? If I could. How was football invented? I don't know. Here's my frustration.

One of my biggest frustrations with Mittens is the sport of Mittens was originally designed by a man and a series of children's books. I don't think he thought through it. I don't think he thought through it. I don't think he thought through the rules at all. They just wrote it into a children's book. And then soon enough, people started playing Mittens, and then it got more and more popular. But we have all these traditionalists who demand

that we don't leave the canon, which are these children's books that were written. What were the children's books? What were they called? They were called the loneliest son of lonely. Sounds like a very sad story. Such as Puypler's books. What were they called? They were called the loneliest son of lonely. Sounds like a very sad story. Such as Puypler series books. Really?

Yes, it was a very popular series. And it was basically, it was a bunch of young boys and girls who went off to a reform type school. And they would go to the reform school and at that reform school, there was this sport called Mittens and it was written. And it's been very frustrating to me ever since because the rules don't make any sense. Sure.

So what are some of the reforms that you want to make? Well, I want to make three key reforms. The first is I would like to get rid of the bird catching rule. I guess to go back over it. In the sport of Mittens, if you carry a potted plant 2,000 yards, fighting against 31 people who are allowed literally to try to murder you the entire time. And get that pot across 2,000 yards, you get one point. If you catch a bird, you get 700 points. I find that very frustrating. That seems unbalanced. Yes, one game this year was 2,800 to 10. And yet in my view, it should have been 10 to zero.

It was a slaughter on the field, but one team called four birds. Second rule I would like to change is, I would like to, I think the penalty system doesn't make any sense. Now what a penalty is, Arnie, is, if you do something that's outside of the rules, then the other team loses someone. I say yes. Oh, which to me seems unfair. Yeah, really, really incentivizes you to break the rules. That's exactly right. So what most of the game is done is

either you're trying to keep one team from catching a bird or you're spending a lot of time hiding from the referee that the other team is committing a legal axe. So there's a lot of cover-up the referee that the other team is committing illegal acts. So there's a lot of cover-up of your opponents doing illegal acts. So people wildly breaking the rules and then other people just really trying to distract the referees from that fact.

That's right. A lot of complicated dance numbers right in front of the referee. It's amazing. It sounds very chaotic. What's one thing that's always happening are people are taking metal chairs and bashing other people with them,

which is illegal. You can only do it with a wooden chair. So if you have a metal chair and you're bashing them, what will happen is someone on the other team will knock the referee out, right before someone gets bashed with a metal chair to prevent the referee from seeing it. How does someone even follow this game? Like when you're watching it,

like what are you even paying attention to? The beauty is you've got 62 people to be watching and it any given time and You know it's like a fucking wears Waldo picture of a Terrific I will I will I don't want to talk about our stuff really wonderful I just bought a visual smog as well. I just bought a to to catch up on the season this year I just bought a magic box to make sure that I'm tuned in and watching. How does a magic box work? Oh, it's terrific.

Magic box is just the large, like, four foot by four foot box, and there's 10 tiny, tiny men and women who live inside of it. They receive information telepathically, and then they recreate amongst themselves what they're receiving telepathically. Oh, wow. It's pretty straightforward. and then they recreate amongst themselves what they're receiving to help out. Oh, wow. That's pretty straightforward. It's great. It's really good for programs with 20 or less characters. Sure.

In a middens game, not quite as good because each person has to do three. Yeah. And I lost one of the guys. I had to stop watching because I ran out of horses to motor. Oh. Oh, that's right. You watched through murdering horses.

You could always walk and pop. I could walk and pop, but You watch through murdering horses. Yeah, you could always walk in pop I Could walk in pop, but I prefer to murder a horse. That's it. That's way let me clarify. I am not killing horses I am murdering them sure Well, I feel like we've got a whole murder discussion. We need to have but first let's actually take a quick break We don't want to have a murder conversation Drinkless, well if you kill a horse, it's murder. Oh god. Can I get a bowl of floating fruit?

This is blemish from the Vemilian Minotaur. Come up down to the Vemilian Minotaur for the Rooster's Feet Special. Thirteen for the price of twelve. Just ask for blemish's dozen dozen and perhaps I will give you a cast of cats blood to go along with it. Come to the Vimeleon Minotaur at the base of McShingleshane Forest. All right great thanks blemish for doing that. Because the Vermilion Minotaur still does sponsor the podcast even though Otoch is off on his quest and Blumish is in charge of the tavern for a while. Larry, are you currently seeing one? Do you

have any sort of romantic interest? Well, it's, you know, I'm pretty busy. I've had some some bad luck in the past with a few women, but you know, I'm pretty busy. I've had some bad luck in the past with a few women, but you know- Did you get into a wife's death? A few children that I, yes, yes, all three of my wife's died. How did they die? It's a kind of really insensitive question that normally I would ask.

Oh, yeah, wow, I guess you're really close to me. It's okay, I mean, it's pretty well publicized. You know, if you listen to the media, there's been a lot of suggestion that I murdered all three of my wives. That's what I heard. Yeah, that's entirely not true. That is a... There's an entire program on the magic box about it.

Yeah. And I know that there's a moment where you walked into a bathroom and you didn't know that there was a teleport of mirror. And then he said, you kind of admitted to it. No, I did not. That's not what I'm sorry. Now what happened? So in my view, what occurred is my long time rival.

A lot of people know Larry Birdman had a great rival with Dick Wizardry. And the two of us were the two best Midlands players. Birdman against Wizardry was well known everywhere. I frankly think that he hired someone to take out each of my wives. At the same time, that's what I think. What an amazing story.

It never even occurred to me that Dick Wizardry might be involved in this. Yes, well that's what I think. I think Dick Wizardry tried to make a murderer of me. It's Dick short for anything. Yes, it was previously urban, but he went by dick wizardry because one of the moves in Mittens is called the dick.

It's when you start going left and then instead go right. Yeah, and so he was. So that's the dick move? That's a dick move. That's the frittin' middle? Arnie, you wanna hear this frittin'? And you say he's trying to make a murder of you? I believe he is, yes.

So you contend that you had nothing to do with these murders. I don't just contend it. I went through the legal process here in Foon and they've been acquitted on three separate occasions. How does the legal system work in Foon? You have multiple options. Multiple options. If you're charged with a crime, you can have a trial.

You can have a trial by fire, which is similar to a trial, but next to a fire. You can have a trial by trail. There's multiple different ways. You can have trial by heated debate, which is a trial by fire, but you also have debate. I prefer the trial by fire, because if you just have a trial a lot of times you're like who said that what's who but if the fire's there you can see everyone yes I'm very much prefer my first trial was trial and you know without the fire right and yeah no one can see it and we had a missed trial which is when I forgot to go to the trial and missed it he just missed it so then we later I came back and we had the trial I was acquitted and then we had a trial by fire for the second one.

I was acquitted of that as well. And then the third we had trial by argument, which you spin a wheel, you pick a topic, you argue about whatever that topic is. What was the topic? Oh, I'll never forget. It was very fortunate for me. It was mittens.

Oh, that is the rules of mittens. Wow. I don't know. That seems pretty. That seems almost unfair. You go with what the world is. What are some of the other, like how many topics are on the wheel?

Oh, 100 I think. 100, yeah. Are they always standard? Like is it a hundred set topics? No, there's like 50 that is set. And then you know, it just depends on what the tribal council or the judge would like to put on that wheel. Sure.

I've been a judge a few times. I hate to take you to task here, Mr. Birdman, but I must ask, what about the bloody gauntlet? Well, what it would use the doors referring to is they were bloody gauntlets found in the back of my Bronco. Your Bronco? Yes, of course. I have a horse. In the... Okay. Bronco. You're Bronco. Yes, of course. I have a horses. In the, okay.

When people went to my house, they searched my Bronco and found on the back where these bloody gauntlets. And a lot of people said those gauntlets were likely used during the murder of my second wife. It was a beautiful, beautiful snow white Bronco. It was a big chase. But during the trial by fire, I attempted to put on the gauntlets and just at the moment that I tried to put them on to demonstrate that they they weren't mine. I thought they were dick wizardries. I would recognize those gauntlets anywhere. Just at that time the fire blew out and no one ever knows for sure whether those gauntlets fit me or not. So there's a lot of conspiracy theorists, I don't blame you, used the door, a lot of people think. You know. Now I am not here to level blame it to you. I must simply look at the facts as they present themselves.

Because that is how magic works! So yeah, I don't know if I'll ever marry again, but you know, I've certainly been through the ringer with respect to those three wives. So what is that? So this seems like a really heated, I mean at the very least this must be a heated rivalry between you and Dick Wizardry. Yes, we had rivalry by fire. Is Dick Wizardry still around? Yeah, where is Dick Wizardry? Oh, you better believe it. Oh, he lives in Capital City. He played for the Capital City White Trash, which has become controversial now because it's a long, it's a nickname that's existed

for a long time, but it's a derogatory, and in some people's minds, a derogatory way to talk about poor white people. Yes. And, but the fans of Capital City say, no, no, no, this is, this is a tradition. It's a tradition. We've called it the white trash for years. And so now that's one of the big issues in front of me is trying to get the capital city to

change their name. And as you can imagine, Dick Wizardry doesn't want to change. Is there like a, what would be a good name for them to change it? Really anything other than white crackers red necks. That would, those would both be good because capital city is famed for its wonderful crackers and They're also it's very bright there and so often people will burn the back of their necks sure Absolutely well, so what are you gonna do during the offseason if the cavalcade is I guess gonna be done soon? Well, hopefully hopefully done soon like said, I've got three rules proposals. I don't think I touched on the third one, but the third change.

Oh, yeah. I really, really want to make. For the first one-third of the game of Mittens, either team is allowed to say, nope, we're done and stop, and then just restart the game entirely. Really? And that's called a first trimester abortion. And I don't like that rule.

I'm strongly against that rule. Now, has there been any talk and making it possible to end the game later? Oh god, no one endorses the second or third trimester abortion. No one is for that. But there is a team from the small town of life, L-Y-F-E. And so life is famed.

It's a team that always starts very quickly. They get out to fast leads all the time. So fans of life don't like these first trimester abortions. So anyone that's pro-life is anti a first trimester abortions. And so there's been a petition about that. And I totally agree because for instance, in the cavalcade ongoing right now, they stopped at six times in the first trimester.

We had six of those and it's just very, very frustrating because the game is already now gone about what three weeks longer than we hoped. Yes, wow. As a Skurfan, I very much believe that this should be allowed. I am definitely not pro life. I think that this is a good end game. I think they should be able to restart whenever they want. This one doesn't work for me. Throw it out. Yep. And so that's what's happened. Skurr, I forgot.

You said you're a Skurr fan. I'm a Skurr fan. Nice. Well Skurr is in the cavalcade right now. And if they win, they will go forward. And who is Skurr again? They're the Skurr. Buzzards. Buzzards. Skurr buzzards. Yes, of course. That's why I think they're going to have a good end game.

And I think they should be able to restart whenever they want. This one doesn't work for me. Throw it out. Yep. Nice well skirr is in the cavalcade right now and if they win they will go forward and who is skirr again? They're the skirr buzzards buzzards. Yes, of course. That's why I run out of horses on Although I was murdering horses to follow the cavalcade, but the cavalcade's called an extra long mission I Honestly in the last week or so have not seen a single horse around hogs face I murdered them How many how many horses have you murdered recently? 40 103

That's it's a worth it. Yeah, absolutely. It's the best way to view if you can but only wizards are able to do that Yes, of course. Yes now. I'm sure there'll be more horses They'll just walk into town in a couple of days. Now I'm sure there'll be more horses. They'll just walk into town in a couple of days. I don't know if it works that way, but yeah, so I've I think it does. Hopefully got some downtime, you know, between the first cavalcade, the second one will start 20 minutes after the first one's over and then they'll play that out. Yeah. And then, you know, this year is an exciting year because we're heading for the 10th anniversary round table, round robin circular superstation wagon. So that will be terrific.

What is that? Wait, first of all, what is that called? That is the 10th anniversary round table, round robin circular superstation wagon. So what that is is every 10 years the 10 teams that finish first over the prior 10 years who are not allowed to play for the next 10 years. They will all get together and have one huge octagonal plus two game of mitten. So and I'm sorry. So they all play they all play together. Yes, we're busy building the field now.

It's going to be, it's going to be in skirt. It's going to be very exciting. So it takes a long time to build, you know, 10 different 2,000 yard fields. Yeah. And they'll all start in the middle and just have a battle. And we'll see who the champion is. So then what happens all the teams that lose?

To the teams that they can never again play mid. Never again. Never again. Never again. Wow. Another rule I'd love to change. Have you ever participated in this event? Yes. Did you win? I won once.

And then 10 years later I won again. And then in my final game, a lot of people don't have a 30 year mittens career. I did. 32 year mittens career. In my final game, we lost in the 10th anniversary roundtable, round robin, circular superstation wagon. And I was forced to retire.

Yeah. And then you're like, you know what, I love the game so much, except for some of the rules that I really do not like. Right. I'm going to be commissioner. Yeah. Some say I did it to take the heat off of my third murder trial. But I say I did it for the level of the game. Sure. Yeah. Now, you're very fortunate. You are not picked as most valuable player in one of those games, because the most valuable player is actually coated in gold.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Coded in gold and then sold. Yes. Who, and then just to big like sports fans by the player? Yeah, can be anyone. I, a lot, you hope it's a sports fan. I'll tell you that. You really hope it's not someone who just kind of took a fancy to you?

Yeah, just a pervert. Yes. Who wouldn't want their favorite athlete coated in gold sitting in their home? Yeah. It's the perfect memento. Mm-hmm. I'll never forget Karim Abdul-El-Sender, one of the great players in the history of Mittens.

He was the most valuable player in one of the 10th anniversary roundtable, round robin, circular, superstation wagons. And the more time you say it, the more comfortable you seem with the name. I don't understand. I've been comfortable with it for years. It's a very well-known Mittens event, but I'll never forget Karim getting coated in gold and sold to a just very clearly a perfect.

Do you have perverts on earth? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The sad thing about the Karim sale was that, the way the pervert just rubbed his own hands as he looked on and watched and sort of licked his lips and... He made no bones about it. He was just very, very clearly going to do some weird stuff with cream. It was upsetting to watch.

He made no bones about it that later on he was gonna make some bones about it Larry, thank you so much for coming back. It's been a real pleasure We have you back much thinner. It's been almost a year since the last time. Yes, it's it's great to be back You know hope you're becoming a mittens fan. Arnie. I know you'd never seen it before last year Still haven't seen it well the hogs face team the hogs face hasn't had a team this year because since I threw Flower off the cliff and now flowers left the hogs face for quest with Otox. Is hogs face gonna get a team again at some point? I suspect so.

Certainly they've petitioned to have one and I don't see any reason that we shouldn't do that. But I have to say I'm a little disappointed. You have watched a single mittens game. We have many, many ways to watch. Many great teams, not just a Hogs face team. You can watch Skur play or Dagger Day or the White Trash. Anyone you want?

The next time I find a horse, I'll bring you. You can murder the horse. And then you can watch a log with me. Yeah. I think I might, Pat, but you know, I'm not a big sports fan, even sports in my world, but you know what? I've got like, you know, football so well a big sports fan, even sports in my world, but you know what? I've got to seem to know football so well. You don't follow it. Maybe you could play, Arnie, have you ever thought about trying out for a team?

Oh, even thinking about it, sounds exhausting. Well, you couldn't be a basking. Yeah, no way. You couldn't be a hillsman. They have a hundred to two hundred different tasks. You couldn't be a miscellaneous. Who's the biggest player on the team? Well, usually the quarterback.

Quarterback? But you've also committed adultery, so someone could murder you. That was an accident. It's an accidental adultery count? Yes. Oh, boy. Yeah, I should not. I should not play this game.

Have you ever... That's... We have a thing in phone call AA. Have you ever... Purted that? I wonder if it's the same thing as we have on my world. accidental adultery. You go in and you have a meeting and you talk about it.

Everyone just talks about their accidental adultery stories. Well, the name is a bit of a misnomer because I think most people are going there in order to have purposeful adultery because it's a lot of people who claim to have had multiple occasions of accidental adult drink. Great place to meet up. If you're looking for more adult drink. There are a few people who have legitimately slipped on something and then puts their genitalia into another living creature. Uh-huh. Well, I'm going to read some emails. Oh, great. This is the Chun at Gmail.com. Chun with six teas.

This is from Thomas Meadows. Thomas writes, a few weeks ago, Arnie asked people to email if they had said use the doors full name during sex And whilst it hasn't happened to me, I met a woman last week who before having sex with her Maybe get on my knees and say, chant, please Chants up with that lots of love Tom Meadows. Not really a question. I suspect I didn't have it a little more braggadocious than I would expect Let's see here. Also if you want to email me you can email me at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies.com. I've been getting a lot of theory emails lately about what's happened, there might be a version of me still on Earth, although it might just be a joke.

But anyway, I got another theory, high Arnold Itzarni. I have a theory regarding the mystery man at Thanksgiving with your wife. I'm pretty positive, a memory goblin, it'd be a gremlin, has slipped onto earth and its stole Sarah's memories of you. Why is this version of Arnie so much better? Well, Sarah's love for you must be strong, since she remembers you as fit, successful, and attractive as the fat, sloth, Yusador and Chant described weekly. Either that, or she just imagines you that way

to keep from being depressed by her life choices. Either way, she seems awesome, and you just keep doing you. Love the podcast, best wishes, Oli. There's a sort of positivity, and there's somewhere that I'm going to take. But yeah, I mean, yeah, maybe my wife sort of positivity and they're somewhere that I'm going to take. But yeah, I mean, yeah, maybe, maybe my wife is comforted by her nice memories of me

and they've manifested themselves in some way. It's possible. Now, of course, you can contact Yusador on Twatertown at Yusador the Blue or you can cut your own finger, prick it with a rose, bushes thorn, dip that blood over the paper on which you have written your name and your deepest desire, set that piece of bloody paper aflame and I shall hear your wish." I have another email here, this is from Steve, Steve says Mr. Chunt, Arnold has been lying Y'all wish! isn't real, where's he? Um... I don't know. Yeah, where were that email come from? Look, first of all, why Earth is real? Why would anyone invent an entire fictional alternate reality?

It makes no sense. Attention. It's the sad person and he eats a lot of attention. That does describe you. The sad person or people? Well, I'm mostly thinking of one person in particular, but I suppose you're right. Well, Tom Biggill's worth created an alternate universe in the loneliest, loneliest, lonely boy,

and that's where Mittens came from, so I think creating an alternative universe can be good, but if you do it, think it through. Can I get a copy of these books anywhere? We'll just go watch the plays. Oh, okay. Yeah. Or we can watch it on my magic box? Magic box? Sure.

Oh, you know what, here, while I read one more email here, hi Arnie, I was too lazy to dig a grave to contact Yusidor and I don't have a Twatt account. But I wanted to let him know he's our team name and mascot for the St. Baldric's team, my friend Jen and I have created. We hope to harness his power to help raise money for children's cancer research.

So maybe you could figure out a way to get some magic stones through the portal. Magic stones, that's not helpful. Anyway, check us out at www.saintbaldricks.org slash team slash usador. Arnie, what kind of team, what kind of sport is cancer research? Oh, it's an important sport. I suppose our world like this one has, I mean, has struggles with child death. And we should do anything we can, we can to help

counteract that. So if you go to this website, I believe you can also, their team is called actually teamusudor, Wizards of the 12th Realm of Fesius. And so I guess there are people on Earth wanting to raise money for cancer research, and I'm sure that they are very confused by that name. It doesn't really mean anything to them, but if people want to go and donate some money or something, they can go to that site. Fear not, whatever confusion may be caused by this name.

For use it all, shall rally the troops to your cause. I shall not rest until I can do all I can. From here in Foon, which is not very much. But I'll try. I want you to take a moment and find that childlike part of yourself that still believes in magic and crush it under your heel because none of that really happened. If there were a magical world, surely there would be more gender variety than this onslaught of cis-hetero-white-30-something-men, speaking of which, phone call from Matt Young, who played Usador, the shouting cartoon store called They're Running Out of You. And another call came for Adel Rathai, who played Chant the Shape Shifter. It was Bernie Sanders' campaign office. I said, no thank you, Adel is Hillary all the way. Larry Birdman was played by special guest

Rush Howell, and Blemish was played by Martin Wilson, who even while I've been speaking, has posted over 500 pictures of his family onto every available form of social media. Sorry kids, Daddy didn't have time to raise you, he was chasing that Instagram dream. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Ryan DeGeorgie, Evan Jacober, and Arnie Neekampe, this episode edited by Evan Jacober. You know Craig, it's been so long since I've done the full credits, I can't even remember what all the other bits are. Do something.

We usually say music by Andy Poland and logo by Aller LeBon. This week's sponsor was Emporium. Check out EmporiumChicago.com slash CPC for a free drink or game token. And check out the Chicago podcast co-op at ChicagoPodcastCoop.com. Oh, if you want more magic tavern, I'll listen to episodes 132 and 133 of the OneShot podcast, where alternate universe versions of Arnie Usador and Shunt showed up to play a role-playing game. That's fun.

Craig, did you move the dream catcher from over my bed? Yeah, it was dripping something viscous all over your sheets, so I threw it in the ionizer for cleaning. Well, don't come crying to me when Dream Demon's clawed their way into this world while I slumber. I never know if you're kidding. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm just getting bored.