Hello From The Magic Tavern - 56 - Dungeon Guard

Episode Date: April 4, 2016

This week I meet a dungeon guard named Chad. Seems nice!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungChad: David PasquesiMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTricia: Kate JamesKern: Spencer HamProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast on the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened the podcast before, hello From the magic tavern. This is what's going on like a year and four weeks ago I believe I fell through a dimension. You can just say about a year about a year. I don't know I think people come they anticipate the extra week every every week I add another week I have so a year and four weeks ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the fantastical land of phone. Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King somehow through the dimensional portal and I use that to upload podcasts I record every week.

Here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of phone, and I'm joined as always by my buds, by my co-hosts. I am Yusador, wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great holes of T'rukkis, the elves' nomi is fying ya'llak, the dwarves' nomi is sewn in in hook stangies, and I am known in the northeast as Gaskin-East. As Gaskin-Wenius may star, and there may be other secret names you do not know yet. Like baggy me thingies.

Baggy me thingies. Yes, that's one of them. Yes, we've established that's one of my other names. Have you ever considered just getting rid of all the other names and just going 100% baggy me thingies? No, not really. I think about it Why take some time? You sure in the next week. Why would I do that? Just it simplifies things a little bit. You're gonna save yourself a lot of time First of all by just going down to one name. I don't and I think that's the winner. That's the one

That's the one that's the winner. Yeah, baggy me thingies. It's it rolls off the tongue But I just made these just take some time just think about it a little tree people just saw me they made baggy me thingies I know and I assumed it was my name It could be it could mean anything and tree people talk. That's true. All I'm asking you Sador Take a week consider Changing your or limiting your name to just bagging me thing. I shall rise to this challenge. Yeah, Yusidora is not afraid of reexamining himself. Yeah, if he is willing to defeat the Dark Lord and to take any measure to do so,

then why not turn that very powerful lens back upon himself? Yep, bagging me thingies. Chuck, and also my other co-host, Chuck, the talking badger. Yeah, how's it going? Pretty good, how you doing, Chuck? I'm good, I'm good. I have been thinking about it, the talking Badger. Yeah, how's it going? Pretty good, how you doing, Chant? I'm good. I'm good.

Good. I have been thinking about it, and even though I'm cursed, I'm deciding to live life as if I'm blessed. Yeah. Hashtagas, bless cool. Yeah, because I feel like I could go through throughout the rest of my days, either being cursed or being blessed.

And I feel like I'm going to choose the greater of the two, which is I have nothing left to fear. Yeah. And I'm gonna accept for the curse that is going to kill you. That's going to save my body, but... But in your mind, in your mind, you're blessed. Yeah. Here is a bag of coins.

Thank you. Thank you. Well, I can go to the casino and go. Well, I was hoping that you would just try to pick them all up and maybe one of them will be a curse reverse coin. No,, I'm not you know what I'm not gonna try and fight anymore I've accepted you're not even gonna try accepted my lot in life. You're just accepting death I'm just accepting it. I think we all should accept death. There's something beautiful about that But chunt I think you're too young How old are you, John? It doesn't matter. Hmm. Do you not remember?

It's not that. It's the, it doesn't matter. Age is a number and you're obsessed with numbers. That's true. And you have been here for four weeks. Obsessed with numbers, yet bad at math. And that, that is all true. But you know what, Chan, I'm gonna try my best to change your mind.

Don't, don't even, don't bother. Just embrace life. I feel, I'm towards. I feel very at peace. I feel I have a secret I've been putting up a vision board. I've made this vision board where I put whatever I went in life to come to me And when I sat down to make it all I drew on it was a picture of you and a picture of you Barney and used to do it. What are we doing in these pictures? Just sitting smiling could you put your there, there's a bubble, a thought bubble

and you're thinking of numbers. Could you put a picture of the dark lord on there, but not exactly of the dark lord because that might summon him into your space and then just put two big red X's over his eyes? No, I'm not even, I'm not concerned about the dark lord. It doesn't concern me. He's quite curious.

I don't like this chunt. I feel great, I feel better than ever. Well, you know what, I'm great. I feel better than ever. Well, you know what, I'm more interested in talking to our guests. I'm very excited. I pull this guy away from the bar. This is Chad and he works in the nearby dungeon. Hi. Hi, Chad. Thanks to meet you. Nice to meet you too. What sort of worker are you doing there in the dungeon?

I'm not allowed to say. I understand. Not entirely. You know, I could, I work with, my tasks are very sincere. Oh, I'm fine, understandable. Can you give hints? Yeah. Oh, I, I torture. Oh, I'm just, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, with that,

let me, train gas. You're a badger, right? Yeah. Nice, yeah. Absolutely. Can I get you a drink or something, So with that hand, let me try and guess you're bad. You're right. Yeah nice. Yeah Can I get you a drink or something? I'm good with my with my meat. Oh wonderful. Good choice. Thanks. Thanks very much Yeah, nice to see you guys. This is a It's nice to talk to people sure. Yeah, I bet yeah. Yeah. Is it get lonely in the dungeon? Oh, yeah Yeah, why me what yeah?

Yeah, sure Yeah, except for the? Oh yeah. Yeah, well, I mean, what? Yeah. Yeah. That's sure. Yeah, except for the torturing part. Oh yeah, that's really a nice recipe for me. I mean, not for me. Yeah, for you. Yeah, a lot of the folks don't enjoy it.

Like, the ones being tortured most of the time do not care for it, except for the massacasts. And then what I do is I don't torture them. Yeah, smart. Oh, clever. So when you come to the, I've seen you here before, and you drink quite a bit.

I do, and alone usually, yeah, it's nice. Yeah, I feel a little more social tonight. I gotta tell you, I don't know if it's a moan or? Yeah, it's lucky for us. Do you, I mean, do the screams kind of linger? Like when you walk out of the dungeon, does that carry with you, or once you cross that threshold,

is you just like boom, like party chat, does that carry with you or once you cross that threshold is just like boom like party chat Does that does that linger in your data? Is that affecting? Yeah, I think I'm kind of you know, I Dungeon work or 24 seven. I mean, it's not the kind of job that you can just leave you're you're you're pretty much on call The time yeah, I mean in your mind anyone sure. Yeah, yeah, this is what you this is what you always dreamed you would do that That's why I dreamed of be in like a farmer. Oh Sure, who doesn't I imagine in this world probably? There were a lot of farmers. Yeah, do more like what do kids in food like fantasize about growing up to be They fantasize alive, okay growing up growing up growing up yeah like teens

Okay, growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing up. Growing's the things of an idiot child. Sure. And we classify in food, there's two classes of children. There's children in idiot children. Yeah. I mean, if you're an idiot child, like good luck. Yeah. Idiot children are the first taken usually. Yeah.

Oh yeah. They emit an odor that's akin to, you know, some take say animals can smell fear. They can also smell also smell stupidity. The vicious ones can smell stupid. The vicious and lazy animals can smell. The vicious and lazy beasts can smell stupidity. Oh, that's a terrible, that's the worst combination. And the fairy folk, they, they'd stay until if you're stupid or not like that, they'll come out of their dimension and take you away to make you a chain-lein child. Like that. At least take advantage. Yeah.

Oh my. Chad, you're seeming very, very affable, very open, like the most talk I've ever seen you. I hate to ask this question. I got a promotion today. Oh my god. Oh my god. There's a bit of a celebration. Wow.

A lot of relations. Thanks so much. Wow. Thanks a lot. That's why I'm kind of celebrating celebrating and I didn't really have anybody to celebrate with So I appreciate that I don't have rooster speak for the table. I wouldn't I don't want to No, it's not me. I'm glad we can be Resurrected is razor glasses. This is to chat I don't think you guys I don't think there's ever I don't think anybody's ever raised a glass to me

Well consider us friends now. You're a friend chat. We were very glad to have you here tonight. We're very glad that you've found some work that you like and that you can do and that you... I'm good at it, I don't know. I'm good at it, I gotta tell you, I'm good. What type of torture is like your real house?

I like red hot irons. Oh. I have very shapes, but red hot irons are really, I can get them hot fast, and I can cool them down just as fast as you know what I'm saying. Yes. I don't, I think. I mean, you don't, if you take a red hot iron,

you can cool it by touching it on something that's not as hot as that. Oh, that's why they're skin-steamed. Oh, right. It's stealing the heat. Oh, I never. Oh, right. It's stealing the heat. Oh, I never would've thought. Their body is stealing the heat. That is the power of heat, transference.

So when their body steals the heat, that's theft, and then you get to punish them again. Ebb-Eb-Boom. The circle of life. Huh, you know, the more I learn about the torture, the less I'm into it. Oh. And again, no, no, no, I don't mean that.

I mean, judging your role. Being rude. Sorry. No, it's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody's entitled to their opinions. I, I, I, I, I don't know where would this be. That's, of course, you're that absolutely right, Chad.

But you see, Arnold is a strange visitor. Oh, hey, welcome. Yes. So sometimes we have to let him know how things work here in Fune. So Arnold, what sort of dungeon would it be if there was no torture? Yeah, do you have torture on Earth? And how about this, a real nice, sunny dungeon? Yeah.

Ah, honey, he made you look like a total idiot. Oh, you're in trouble. Here's a slice of pie. Well, yes, we do have torture on my world. And, but we choose to just think of it as a word on my world. We're just like torture. And that way, we don't think about it much beyond that. And it's so that we're...

So kind of like when you slaughter a cow and then you call it beef to try and disassociate. Yes, we call it, we still call it flesh. We're eating flesh, flesh of a mammal. We sure. The flesh of a mammal. We like to divorce our, where I come from, you like, you like to do a divorce?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, my wife and I are not divorced as far as I know. But like, we like to divorce ourselves from the details on my world. It just makes things easier. Like, torture is a little more acceptable if you don't know the details. Could she have declared you dead by now?

I don't really know how that works. Maybe. I've been gone a year and four weeks a year and four weeks. Yeah, it's an odd way to mark time. Isn't it strange? Yeah, here we'd say a year and a month. Yeah, a year and a month. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Well, I mean'd say a year and a month. Yeah, a year and a month, right? Oh, oh.

Oh yeah. Well, I mean, look, four weeks is an exact one. They count out the days and the dungeon. They count the days. Sure, a lot of the girls, a lot of the online days. They know each and every one of those. Yeah. Are there other guards for you to be friendly with?

There are other guards, but we're not friendly. Sure. What precedent would that set for the, out of be even set for the, how to be even worse for the people in there and just here, you know, gay chatter outside of the cell? I'm just going to extrapolate from what you've told us. I assume the promotion was too head-to-tour.

I'm allowed to do other activities that I was, you know, I've been taking classes. You get, there's a certification process, of course. Sure, of course. I don't want just anybody doing just anything. Yeah, sure. And so I was, there's a few new devices I'm allowed to use now. Wow, that's exciting.

Hey, raise a glasses to chat. I'm not that good at it. I'm not that good at it. I swear to you, I'm not that good at it. No, no, no, no, I am. Look, I'm very into being. I'm a kid. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God.

I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God. I swear to God., it breaks my heart to think of somebody having no one to celebrate with, you know? Another Saturday night, he ain't got nobody, just got some money, because you just got paid? Why else would you have money? Yeah, that's true. Do you have to- No, you know how I'm imagining how he wishes he had some chick to talk to. He's in an awful way. Do you wish you had some chick to talk to?

I'm in an awful way. No, I'm sorry. You just became friends with this guy and you're already being rude. I'm sorry. I know there are certain things You can't tell us but can I make some guesses? Sure sure fingernails stuff. Oh, yeah, yanking them out. I'm not supposed to say okay guys It's awesome fingernails andails, toenails are actually, toenails get a scream like you would not believe. Finger nails, people are kind of prepared for it, you know, on the other hand, but toenails, they don't know what that's like.

Because fingernails, a lot of people tear them when you're digging for tubers and things like that. You tear out your mouth. You're mocking the days on that wall. What's your finger nails? Like when you're digging for tubers and you're thinking, God, I wish this was my career and not just a hobby Why would you call out that he's not a farmer?

Oh, do you get it doing eyeball stuff and you like I'm not allowed to say yes Yes, absolutely. Yeah, you're not in your head profusely. Yeah, no, I am I yeah Yeah, yes, we do we do I am and that's one of the new devices that I was just certified for it's a hook On your way sir Don't say because I'm not supposed to leave the dungeon with it. I don't want to put you on the spot Could you I really shut down. Oh please please I'll raise my glass Tachad, Tachad, Tachad. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Let's break it. Let's break it. Think about it. You know what? Let's take a quick break. And I will think about it. Don't jump into a decision.

I need my eyes. I'm sorry. But, uh, but... Balls? Yes. I do. I do need both. Alright, well let's take a quick break and we'll be right back. Alright, so during the break I thought about it. I, you know, I took the information in break I thought about it. I took the information in, I really gave it a chance, but I need both of my eyes. I'm sorry.

But could we see a demonstration on something else? I do need all my toenails, but that does remind me of a question I had. When you said we're brought up fingernail stuff and you're pulling them out, is there other fingernail stuff? Or is it tearing them taking half of one? Oh, tearing it right down the middle. Oh, down the middle. Straight down the middle.

So not like hit the top half, like the side half. Oh no, you split it down the middle lengthwise and tear off only one half and leave it there. So it catches on things. You're good at what you do. I've also was thinking during the break while Arnold was considering whether he wanted to give up one of his eyes And I've decided that you said all shall out himself to be tortured

Then it hurt. Yeah, you said or you can recover from stuff. Sure. You're a door. All right You do you want to see the eye thing? Oh my god Oh my god, you can't tell anybody The chat is the fucking coolest I love this guy. Although can I ask is it torture if there are no stakes, I'm not even so shy with this. Chad is the fucking coolest. I love this guy. Although can I ask, is it torture if there are no stakes? I'm sorry? If they want it to happen. Yeah, or if they can recover from it. Oh no, it's still torture.

Oh, okay. It will be excruciating. I mean, that's the thing about torture. Yeah, it's for the pain. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, it's not. It's literally the whole point. Yeah, yeah, it's not for the incapacitation as a ceremony.

Actually, that kind of queers a deal. Yeah. If the guys passed out, that's not literally the whole point. Yeah, yeah, it's not for the incapacitation as a ceremony. Actually, that kind of queers a deal. Yeah. If the guys passed out, that's no fun for you to do. Yeah, you wake up tortured like, no, yeah. Oh my goodness, I have been tortured. That's the wrong verb tense. You do have that where you come from? Verb tense.

We do, we do, actually, yeah. But yeah, you're right, it's always, oh my god, I am being tortured. That's the one you're looking for. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause time heals all. yeah, and when you wake up from being tortured time is he but still time is started to heal That's and that's also a good question though does time heal all there's a you know on the cobbler shop that's I and he's got Time wounds all heals. Yep. Yep. That's good. That's good That's huge

It took me so long to figure out. Yeah, I just thought he had it wrong. Yeah, for, you thought he's an idiot child. Yeah, for years. Yeah. And I thought, oh, we should pity him and bring our business there. Yeah. Well, yeah, let's get to, let's torture. He's still right up on the table. All right. Oh, wow. Here we go. All right. How's that? And just talk us through what you're doing here.

Well, this is this, it's, it's a, we call it the claw. You know, technically it's not a claw. It's a hook, but we call it the claw. And that goes, it goes right in C. That's the tear duct. That's what you're looking for. That goes right in the tear ducts around the back. So that spray was, that was, that was a mix.

That was, yeah. We call that that. It's one of. That was a mix. That was yeah. Yeah, I would call it that one It's one of this a humor material in there and tears and blood Yeah, yeah, yeah, and then we give it a little tug Is not coming out that easy Yeah, and we let him rest for a second. I think it's over. That's part of it I feel like I'm watching a master painter like this is the precision to get right into that tear duct. Like I can't even see it. Like how do you even know where that is?

I got good eyes, yeah. And so we give it another little tuck. Another little tuck. And he thinks it's coming out on the third one. But we don't do anything. And then yay. Oh! There we have it.

And this is the eye. See, this is the eye. This is with all in all its glory. Still looking around. Yes. Oh, that was, there. And they're also delicious. Oh no, he didn't have like an apple.

Like a time apple, yeah. You still had the chance. Tachad, Tachad. Tachad, Tachad. Oh, okay, Tachad. No, we just first four times. Oh, man. Thank you. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh, man. Oh, that's fun. I gotta tell you, I've never done that in, you know, around, you know, folks.

Yeah. In audience, you never had an audience. Never. I mean, you were grinning the whole time. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, work. Chad, can I ask you, are torturers, like, is that something that you intend to get into or do you kind of fall into a job like that? I don't know, everybody's story. Sure. I can tell you mine. I was visiting the around the dungeon.

I was digging foods. Sure. And two person such. Sure. And I just poked my head and one of the lower down at ground level. There's a call the garden. The garden sells. Like the, yeah, they're easier to get in. Yeah, they just touch somewhere. Exactly. You can't just start at the cells at the top. In this case, cells at the bottom. Yeah. And so those are for the lesser

criminals. They get stuck in some some lines. So like that, cells at the bottom. And so those are for the lesser criminals, they get stuck in some some lines of like that, or people with positions that don't, they should be punished, but they can't be terrible. So I knew I look in and there, and I've seen what's going on. And then they heard me and they grabbed me in. And so I got tortured myself. And I thought these guys are good.

This hurts like a son of a bitch. And I thought, you know, I didn't really, even know that was, I didn't even know it was a possibility. And I thought, you know, I didn't really know that was, I didn't even know it was a possibility. I was just enamored with it for my first time. I ever felt being tortured. Yeah, I was, I wanted, of course, I wanted to be on the other side.

Sure. And they were, they got love him. This one guy, Grandal. Grandal. He kind of took me on his wing. And I, I'm here for a little while, I gotta tell you, because it's a dungeon. Sure.

And all what that entails. Anything goes. Yeah. Yeah. I think I've heard of Grandel and I've heard that he's tough, but he's not half as tough as Grandel's mother. Never mind. All right. I thought I'd have to take your word for it.

Be so small. Some very small section of Earth people are loving it. I'll take your words for that. My guess is it's real small. Yeah, it's small. Anywho. Chad, I just had a quick question. I know you said you don't really have strong friendships with the other guards, but do you ever do the classic good guard, bad guard routine?

I know what you're talking about. Yeah, no, it's more fiction That doesn't really have it's like bad guard bag. That's it. We it's pretty. Yeah, pretty pretty steady Then not a lot of good guards. Yeah, we don't want to yeah, we don't it's not a lot of good guards No, there was such a thing no bait and switch for you right? I noticed you see you you were tortured yourself Yeah, I noticed not to be rude I noticed you walk with a lamp was that no that's before oh that was before born with it born with it Where was your torture located was that on my back took out a couple vertebrae? Yeah, I used to be considerably tall

Oh, yeah, they must have been impressed about how you were recovered from that. Yeah, well, they were good Yes, they didn't they didn't damage the spinal cord, which is a real, I mean, they must, I think they kind of liked me. Yeah, sure. Because, you know, that's a really easy to sever. For sure. Really easy to sever the spinal cord. They had to go to a lot of effort to know.

Oh yeah, absolutely. That's great. What a lucky guy. I think my eyes started to grow back. Oh gosh, I got the claws I think my eyes started to grow back. Oh, gosh. I got the claws ready. Oh, sweet boot. It looks painful to grow.

Would you say it's more painful to lose it or for it to grow back? Oh, I would say that's anytime that a wizard has to regrow a part of himself. The pain is not the physical pain, but the pain is the mental anguish of not understanding what may be coming in the place of what you lost. Oh, it's not always the same. It's not as tit for tat. No, not always. So tit for tit?

Exactly. Yeah. So you could just grow anybody part where your eye was? It could just be a finger or a foot. A whole foot. A whole foot, that would be rough. We'll see what happens. Old foot eye. Oh, it is oh it is starting to see a little foot

It might just be an eyeball with a toe on it. I could pull out the toenails That's not usually the sound all this kids is that is an eye foot. I don't think I yeah Is an eye foot I don't even know if that hurts. I know where those nerves are going. Yeah, exactly. Now, Yusur, if we put Wizard Eye on the menu, would you be willing to go through that? I'm not feeling entirely well.

Oh, no. So I don't think I'd want to be doing this on a regular basis. All selfish of you, but sorry. I take that as a compliment and you shoot. Chad thank you so much for sharing your special nightwear. Really it's my pleasure thank you guys for toasting me as I say that's a that's a unique adventure. Chad that's now it's getting silly. Oh there was like a sharp cutoff back from like seriously knock it off. Okay. Yeah we angry. Yeah, we do want to talk about that. Yeah, okay.

How about I read some emails? Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course. E-mails. Yeah, we get messages. It's hard to explain. We get special letters from people in my world who listen to this.

Arnie let's us use his phone and we get to, of course, on here. So here I have one from Ari Anderson. Ari writes, hi guys. Big fan of the show You are all awesome. Speaking of how awesome you are. Is there some sort of level system in food a ranking system that keeps track of how powerful Someone is if so what level is Arnie best wishes from the kingdom of norway? Norway. That's what I said. Yeah. Is there any ranking system exactly a power? Yeah, what is there? said. Yeah, is there any ranking system exactly? I'm probably are yeah, what is no no? I mean Norway You didn't exactly say Norway

Yeah, no, yeah, okay. Yeah, you're right. I know why it's not the same as Norway Is it is that we're talking about Norway? Yeah, Norway. Okay. Yeah, there's a it's a land It's a country in my world. That's like there's Norway that I'm yeah You know you're gonna get me to do that. Yeah, oh Norway, Norway. No, no, a lot of the ladies always say that. Yeah. I mean, there are lots of levels, I suppose, that are rich people, there are poor people. There's royalties. There's surf dump commoners. They surf to surf. Yes, certainly. There are people who are strong and powerful and can defeat people who are weaker and play a ball. Kind of a cast system, right? Yes, exactly. But if you mean some sort of regimented numbered system,

that does not exist. Well, Earth is obsessed with numbers. There's the weak in the strong. Yeah, I mean, and that's pretty obvious. Oh, yeah, it does my someone's armor if it's made of gold versus tin. Sure. Because I was thinking nor, I think you're going for the whale,

norwhal with this big unicorn. Oh, yeah. Do you have norwhals on earth? We do, I think. So here in Foon, there's unicorns. Yes. And then one day unicorn fell into the lake. Yeah.

And it was struggling and struggling and eventually drowned. And then six months exactly it rose back up with no legs. And it was a normal. Wow. Yeah. Are you sure it's the same creature? Oh, yeah. Look at it. The horn. Yeah, how the fucking I mean, I just said, how could that be two different things? It had the same name. What are we going to go to the lake and dredge the bottom to see if there's a course and I have the same name what was it the unicorn's name was normal Jeremiah

novel oh okay Jeremiah was a normal he was a good friend oh I never understood it but did you drink his wine what I heard he always had some mighty final let me read my other email here shut up for a second calling Francis writes hello writes, hello, hi, Chant. So my boyfriend Patrick and I enjoy frequently snuggling while listening to your podcast and I was wondering if you could pressure him to put a ring on it. I've been waiting four years and still nothing. Signed with love Colleen. After four years, it's finally time to get into cock rings. Oh, that's a kind of rink. Hi, an auto will know these were my words. That's my torture. Yeah.

For cutting off the blood flow to your come on. That's the four year anniversary. Fourth year is these cock rings. Paper is it? Yeah, paper, right? Yeah. What's it? Yeah. Up in paper straw into cock rings. Yeah, absolutely. Ivory. And now one of them.

Yes. That actually is a pretty good segue that one of them. Yes. That actually is a pretty good segue into one of the emails that I got. You can email me at Magic Tavern, at Buppies.supplies. It's a really email address. It's all I could get the firewall at the Burger King blocks other email sites. Anyway, hi Arnie, Chant and Yusidor. I have a question for Yusidor.

What about me? And Chad. I don't think so. Hi Arnie, Chant, Yusador, and Chad. I have a question for Yusador that's over 140 characters long. I hope you don't mind email instead of Twitter. Oh, I would prefer that you contact me at Yusador the Blue on Twaterton. Or you can cut your own wrists and let the blood seep out into a cup.

Take that blood, mix it with dark, dark brown sugar, bake them into a cookie, feed that cookie to your pet. Felt like that pet, all of your secrets and that pet shall find me in a dream. Anyway, Marissa, who wrote this email, says, my fiance introduced me to this podcast last month, and after listening to 50 plus episodes, it's become clear to me that nothing would make My fiance introduced me to this podcast last month, and after listening to 50 plus episodes,

it's become clear to me that nothing would make our wedding more special than having use it or perform the ceremony. How does it get more magical than being pronounced husband and wife by an actual wizard? I'm pretty sure it doesn't. He could bring Jen Levia, if he wanted to, from what I understand, strangers' weddings are considered a real panty dropper on Earth. Narway. There's even a preschool behind our house. Whoa.

So the whole... Wenders? Where is this going? Yeah, so it gets worse actually. So the whole rendered child fat thing shouldn't be an issue. It's about a year away, so just think about it for now. We have time. Lots of love, Marissa.

PS, you're our first choice, but I guess I could ask spin-tax since he's already here, I guess. I'll do it. Here in Foon, I don't know what preschool is in Earth. Here in Foon, preschool is if you're an idiot child, you go to school, and then you're so fucking dumb, you have to go to your previous school. Oh, so that's what we call it.

You're like, oh, I gotta go to my previous school again. Good, great. Well, I guess we would have, I mean, if we can somehow... If we get back to Earth within the next year. Yes. And Arnold is really united with his wife who has declared him dead and ceases child who knows him not. Then yes, I shall come and perform at your wedding.

Otherwise, I suppose you'll have to sort of a spin-tax the green that Charlottes in that Monterbank that disgusting phony of a wizard. You want to make sure that she still wants him in his current foot-eye state. Oh yeah, that's not going to look good. That's not going to be looking those wedding photos. I can probably file it down. I mean, check it right here.

I can probably take it out. Yeah. You want to try and take it out? Sure. I want to try and take it out. I can't. Oh, it's just you being a meltdown. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my mouth. Oh, my God.

Here you guys are. Oh, there you go. Thank you so much. Wow, that's amazing. All right, one more real quick email here. And it's two cents as long. Question for all. I think my mother may be a memory Grimland.

What do I do? Killer question answer And so ends one year and four weeks of playing pretend in a recording studio while avoiding connection with the flesh and blood people around them. Hooray? Shant the shapeshifter was played by Abel Raffai. Pity his character was encurst with range. Usador the Wizard, aka Bangimi Fingers, was played by Matt Young.

Did you identify the two moments during the recording when Matt was listening to others? Keep at it, Junior Detectives. Chad, the dungeon torture, was played by special guest David Pasquazie. David is half of the widely beloved improv duo TJ and Dave, and David's been in really too many movie and TV shows to mention, just IMDB him. His entire presence here must be fueled by a broad swath of pity. Sorry to interrupt, but yeah, you need to listen to this. Craig, is it another distress call from the Grass-Forn galaxy?

Yeah, let me play it here. This is current. This is current, is anyone out there? Guys, this is current from the Grass-Forn galaxy. I'm hey, hey, Craig. Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Last night we were like chatting before like the day ended and we were like Talking about like the future Yeah, when you were saying that you could envision like certain elements in your future Now more than ever

What what did you What did you mean by that and if you didn't mean anything you don't have to say? What did you mean by that? And if you didn't mean anything, you don't have to say it. I'm already like, what? What? What did you think I meant? Well, I thought that you were thinking,

like, oh, we're getting closer to being rescued. And I'm hopeful about that. But I'm wondering, again like we can table this When you think about like let's say we got rescued next week, mm-hmm, then like we go home What is the day after it look like for you? Oh probably No, nothing nothing. You don't Just play unwind. I just need some time to relax, you know,

we just moved. Yeah, no, yeah. I mean, this seems like, you know what? This is bad timing. No, no, really. Go back to the discol. Go, go, go. I'm like, this is like, ugh.

So, like, the timing is really bad. No, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I'm sorry. I don't have a mirror and I like, I can't like, ugh, okay, just, I mean, okay, forget it. Hey, good job. I'm just gonna be a good talk. I'll just, okay't like... Ah, okay. Just, I mean... Okay. Okay, forget it. Hey, good talk. I'm just gonna be a good talk. I'll just... Okay.

I'm... Oh god. Okay. Who put that there? That's okay. It's tripping from the... Just in a lot of... Okay. Um...

Are you good luck with the distress call? You always do such a great job. Thank you, and I will. Oh, see you around. Okay. Thank you, now. See you around. Oh, ta ta ta. Pretty interesting, huh? I guess I'm still not sure that storyline has that much traction. I think it's underrated.

You would. I do wonder when our next trisha is going to arrive. She's kind of overdue. Our next trisha? Anyway, hello from the Magic Taven is produced by Evan Jacoba, Ryan DeGeorgie, and Arnie Meekampe. This episode edited by Chris Rathjinn. Music by Andy Pauland, logo by Allert LePon, extra sound design by Jason Knox.

Visit us at hellofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. All right, Craig, onto your next task. This room of sand has to be sorted into three piles, very small pieces, tiny pieces, and tarantula.