Hello From The Magic Tavern - 6 - The Vermilion Minotaur

Episode Date: April 9, 2015

After spending so much time in the Vermilion Minotaur, I finally got its owner and proprietor, Otok Barleyfoot, to be a guest on the podcast. Chunt will be there too. Usidore is already pretty drunk so I'm not sure what to expect from him.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungOtok Barleyfoot: Nick BaerMan Yelling in Background: Evan JacoverMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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made memo books and other products including seasonal limited editions. Visit FieldNotesbrand.com or 400 North May. Hello from the Magic Tavern. A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neekham. I'm from Chicago. If you haven't listened to the podcast before, here's a real quick explanation of what's happened. A few weeks ago, about a month ago, I fell through a dimensional rift behind a burger

king into this magical land called Foon. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from the burger king, I guess, through the dimensional rift. And so I'm hosting a weekly podcast from a tavern in Foon. The tavern is called the Vermilion Minotaur, and I'm actually very excited this week that I've been able to talk the tavern owner into being a guest on the podcast, and we'll get to you in a second. But first, I want to introduce my mostly weekly co-host, Chunt, the Talking Badger. And your roommate? Hey, how's Badger. And you're roommate?

Hey, how's it going? Family roommate? Exactly, you've been very kind to let me stay with you. I've been there for almost over a month. Yeah, it's flown by. And you said, or the wizard is, do you have sarcasm in your room? Yes.

Oh, because I said, it's flown by, but I, you're being sarcastic. Yeah, okay, I'm sorry. No, do you want me to not? I'd rather you're too long I'd rather know that you're with me in safe than out somewhere else wandering around But I because I have like nothing. I have no we have plenty of open rooms. You have plenty of open rooms here We do well why don't we go ahead and introduce our guests our guests? Why don't you introduce yourself? Oh? I'm sorry. The power of chaos. Champion of the Great Walls of Dragass. The El's no me as fiend.

The door's no me as soon as it's finished. No mistake. No I know. He says. Guess when I say. You are going to go in the house. Usador is here. He's just wandering. I think he's a drunk. I think he's wandering around trying to get people on his Quest. Fiannielick is here nearly every night of the week. Also you referred to it. You know him as Fiannielick. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm I'm half Half-elf. Oh, you're half-elf. Wow. Okay. Oh, I'm sorry. So this is half-elf. I'm sorry. Otak Barleyfoot owner and operator of the Vermillion Minotaur. It's a family run business.

I'm so excited to have you on because I've been hosting this podcast every week since I've gotten here. I love the Vermillion Minotaur. It's a cool, thank you, tavern and the lots of adventurers and interesting people come through here. I hope you've tried our Spice Potatoes. I haven't tried the Spice Potatoes.

I'm not a big starch guy. All right. If I were to look at you, I'd't tried the spice potatoes. I'm not a big, I'm not a big starch guy. All right, if I were to look at you, I'd say you're a big starch guy. Right, John, are you okay? I feel like maybe I'm a little high strong, okay? I'm a little high strong. I just came from a session. I had a, are you familiar with fetishes?

Do you know what fetishes are? Yes. I make a little whenever I change into a new animal. I'm currently a badger. I've been a badger for a while. There's a group of people who will pay me to pose for a fetish. And they have me, I'll eat grubs or something and they'll watch me eat grubs.

Or I'll wear it just like a wet t-shirt that says, like kiss the chun or something. Oh, it's the underbelly of the Hogspan. Yeah, there's got chun. So I mean, it's just that there's a certain select group who are into watching me and whatever state I'm in, do certain deeds. Yeah, I guess that explains why that one day you came home with a wet t-shirt that said chunt hardly wait.

Yeah, I don't know why I wrote that. I don't know what was coming into my mind, but John Hardly, wait. But I'm sorry, I got like, click it back to our guest. So, I love the Vermillion Minotaur. So, tell me a little bit about the establishment. Well, as you can see, it's carved out of the base of a barleywood tree right at the edge of Mixingle-Shain forest. It was carved out. I was wondering what the name of that forest was. Mixingel-Shane Forest. It was hard out.

I was wondering what the name of that forest was. Mick Schingel-Shane. Yeah. And so my family took it over right from the beginning. Called the Vermilion Minotaur because of the old Vermilion Minotaur legend. What is the legend of the Vermilion Minotaur? Oh, let me blow out some candles.

Oh, wow. Set the mood. I'm going to set the mood. Thank you, Sean. Sean used to work here, so we have a... I did not know that. That relationship. Yeah. Every once in a while, I'll bounce here.

Depending on the size of the animal, I'll be a bouncer. But if I'm a caterpillar, or something, I'll probably just... Stay inside. Back in the kitchen. Yeah. Is it safe for a caterpillar in the kitchen? I usually just wrap a cocoon around myself. Yeah.

So the Vermillion Minotaur... The Vermillion Minotaur, yes. Yeah, so the Vermillion Minotaur... The Vermillion Minotaur, yes, so the legend of Vermillion Minotaur is of course the old story when the Countess's baby was trapped in the forest and eight Vermillion Minotors invited the baby into their lab room and then the heavens rain down and then the horses came. It's a very... I'm not a good... You know, it's a fever dream. I think it's open.

It might be me. My wife was the story. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm sorry. It's a story I My wife was the story. Are you okay? Yeah. I'm sorry. It's a story I used to tell my daughter. I don't think I've met your daughter. Or your wife? Well, my wife.

My wife passed some years ago. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. She was crushed by a barleywood tree. Oh. And my daughter, she ran away away she wanted to be a warrior and she joined the the falsetto marauders falsetto, I have seen her in two blunders. I'm so sorry to hear about

The tragedies in your family. I don't know if you want to talk about it or we could change a subject We can talk about no, it's fine I and in fact quite frankly, I'm frankly, I'm looking for some adventurers to aid me in getting my daughter back. Really? So you have your own quest that you want to go on. Yeah. Fien Yelik, I have spoken to him about it.

He seems distracted with something else. But ideally, I'd get some help. Yeah, I mean, I have to stay here and do this podcast because this is pretty important communication, explain this world to my world. And it was like, he's got a similar situation where kind of similar where he's left his wife and daughter behind and he's done nothing to search for this.

No, no, no, no. You chose to leave them behind. No, that is absolutely not true. I have a wife and a newborn child at home, and I am heartbroken that I'm not with them, and I worry, and I think about it every day, I did not intentionally come here. I'm really just trying to make the best out of it,

and trying to do important work with this podcast, but I like you and very heartbroken. I've seen pretty jovial. No, can we get some spicy potatoes over here? Yes, please. The Spiced. So, okay, so you're trying to get adventures together. Right. Your daughter went off with the falsetto marauders? Yes, that's correct. They're a mercenary group of warriors. They're always looking for young trainees. And do they sing? No, you know when they're near,

because you hear like a... Uh-huh, uh-huh. Like a, uh-huh. Or your call. Yeah. And so is she in any particular, I mean, a first of all, you should go after her, but it seems like she chose to go off.

The falsetto marauders are the worst kind of people in the face of food I mean they're disgusting animals what horrible things that they done they killed off all of the sheep oh I mean we don't have we used to have sheep we don't have anymore I know when my cousin was a baby they walked by and just like smacked him. I gotta say. I crossed the face, like a baby. Look, I'm not saying those things on the run.

I'm not saying. Are you laughing at my cousin getting smacked? I'm so sorry. And that's not the only baby that's smacked either. Sure. Look, I'm not saying that. When you hear that sound coming into town. We're going west, we're spin-dash to the right end.

We're going west, no one uses those last add-boys. I just never know about it. Was your fight? Hello. Not in here, boys. Look, I'm not saying, I just think that like killing sheep and smacking babies on every scale. On the scale of the kind of awful things

that you could do in this land, the stuff I've kind of heard about, that seems pretty small scales. Would you want your daughter, your abandoned daughter, to join a bandit as an exegg? Angry, baby-slapping, sheep killing marauders? No, of course. I'm just saying like, if this is what she wants to be doing

with her life, Activia had a beautiful voice. Activia? My daughter? Her name is Activia. That's great. We used to, anytime we'd see around time, we'd kind of sing it. Activia.

OK, well, you know what? Let's take a quick break. I'm cutting my rope. I've caught my rope. We got help, you said, or we're going to take a quick break, refresh our drinks, and help you, and we'll be right back with more tails from the Vermillion Minotaur. His evil will go on. Take him off. Take him off. Take him off. Do theest to the side.

It's time for him. We can no longer stand for evil. He will go on. To the made our lives. Oh, it's true. This is your last chance. I won't ask you again. This is the I won't ask for you tocomendals with me on my wonderful journey.

So much gold and honor prestige to be won. All right, so we, I guess we've helped use it or at least as much as we possibly can. I want to talk a little bit more about the Tavern itself. Well, it's a place to meet friends to have Good conversation. Yeah, we've got some sort of out of bar activities. We do we've got a mittens team and in fact we're down a guy if All right, we'll talk later. I don't I'm not very athletic myself I know Yusidor has been really wanting to get into playing mittens yeah yeah he's mentioned that not okay that's fine yeah I get it I don't even we've got a

wizard that's not a big so we don't really deal what's it like running a tavern in a magical land is it dangerous dangerous? I mean, I know we're on what is this big, through fair road, you probably get a lot of strange creatures and adventurous coming in all the time. Right, well, they always come in here. I mean, where do you think they get their rumors and their gossip? They come here to the Vermillion Minotaur

and our bar keeps are more than happy to supply it. Yeah, but it can be dangerous. I mean, I told you how my daughter is gone. Life is crushed. I know we talk. We have to do that. We do need too much. That's really bringing the podcast.

Let's not talk so much about that anymore. So the bartenders being kind of rumor-mongers. Are they trained to do that? It just comes natural. I mean, people come for, you know, they're looking for work. They're looking for adventure. And they ask the barkeep. Are you, do you collect rumors yourself?

Like are there any juicy rumors floating around lately? I mean, I've got a couple. I mean, I don't know if I want to split it up. I've got to give you one. I'll give you one. Okay. So the Ravens crew? I don't know what that is.

Well, they're kind of kidnapped children. Uh-huh. Yeah, the Ravens crew. They don't smack them though. They kidnap. crew. They don't they don't smack them though. They just No, they don't smack them or slap them Right, they're just a kidnapping of children. It's a religious cult. Oh, why the Ravens crew They're very and so they kidnapped children they bring them to their palace and Brainwash them. Yeah, anyway, there's a rumor than one of them is working

At the Cobbler. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I don't know if it's a former Ravenscrew member or current. Uh-huh. But that's just one little rumor. Yeah. I heard that one. Yeah, that one as well. No one told me. I heard he's also, uh, Erie's gay. That's fine. Yeah. No, it's fine. I mean, I've had sex with male animals. I'm just saying it's it's something to talk about sure Of course, usually you have to buy a second ale to get that extra rumor. I see so it's kind of I mean I blew as well. It's like an unspoken menu item right, you know, it's Oh, another let me be clear. Sean doesn't care about home and sexuality. It's just It's just a dog. It's Everyone loves to talk about sexuality, right?

Sure, of course. Do you have, I mean, in your world, do you talk about like who's gay and who's not? Yeah, I suppose we do. Yeah, but it's not like an assie way. It's like, oh, that's fun. I mean, unfortunately, some people do talk about it in a nasty way, but then also people,

I guess people do generally gossip, especially if you're like not sure or surprised, or like it switches. John accepts all. Food is a pretty accepting place. It seems like it. It does. It really does. There's so many different things to be accepting up, really like people that have sex with animals and then turn into those animals. Thank you. Can I ask you something real quick?

Yes, my friend, is the same thing. Trump, wait. Hello. Hello, that's Trump. You said, or if you're gonna try to engage us, I wish you would be on the podcast. I'm sorry. I wait if you're gonna try to engage us. I wish you would be on the podcast. Do you really, you know every week you've been on this podcast? I know, but I'm working hard this week on. I'm going to recruit some adventurers to defeat the dog lord. I'm re-committed. All right.

I feel like two more drinks and he'll be in the wizard state. Oh God. I hate the wizard state so much. It can be a blessing. Do you have any, like, what's, like, what's, what are the perks of being a tabernon? Well, like I said, everybody kind of comes to me. Yeah, you know, and I've known people since they were since they were young Sure been here my building their fathers and their fathers fathers We also do a good deal of charity work really and if you could that's what can if you're gonna be around It would be great for you to chip in yeah, if I have time what like if you have time to give money

Yeah, if I have time, what like if you have time to give money I don't have money. He didn't ask for a time could be asked from the donation. Oh, I thought he was suggesting that I do some charity work Oh, I thought you're suggesting donation. I was suggesting a donation, but also I mean we have our Brimley and Minotaur March coming up and if you march around The outskirts of the town with us that would also... And what is what are we raising money for? Um, for an extension to the for million minutes one. That's a not wait for it to hold on. That's not charity? That's not charity! We uh do you know that we do we house eight on web mothers? I did not know. Well now you do. So because so is this because of your wife and that you know child

He said you didn't want to talk about it. I really I guess I don't but it just seems so Chant right didn't it seem that seems like probably why do you think that he slept with those women? No I'm you think he's a father of this. I'm not accused of anything and even if I did I did, I'm a widow her, my wife died. That's true. You can have sex with as many people as you want. I have something. I can't see something direct. Because you seem real, and not real hurt to get home.

Are you gay? Do you have a wife? Are you gay? I'm not gay. I love my wife and my child. And I really do want to get home to them. I'm just, you know, while I'm here, I'm trying to make the most of it.

You should know that there are a couple of rumors about you. There are rumors about me? I spread most of them. Yeah, I'll chant. What are the rumors? Well, there's one that you're gay. Which you can't be upset with, right? I am not upset.

No, I'm not. Here's the thing. I'm not having sex with anybody here. I guess I can understand while people, you know, I haven't immediately cycled up to a wench here, so I guess I'm, that means I'm gay, but I'm not. We don't call them wenches.

I'm just faithful. I'm sorry, what do you call them? Barmaids? Barmaids. Fair, fair enough. All right, what's another rumor about me? I don't know if you're gonna wanna hear it. Is it really that bad?

I told people that you poop standing up. One time. And in Foon, that's the sign of a... that's the dark sign. I mean one of the dark signs. That means that like evil? I didn't know... look first of all the plumbing here is weird. There's no really good... I mean, in my world, going to the bathroom is very like, much more of a convenient situation. And so I was just trying to figure out the least grotesque way to kind of like poop in the arrangement here.

And, you know, I was standing up, trying something out, Chant walked in on me, it was embarrassing. It was really embarrassing. D, something besides a poop pot and a pissle brush. Where you come from? We take out a sword. Yay, young whiff, others. Got to be on this quest. No, you stay away. I'm very, very, very old. Yeah, and you like, stop. No, go your day jobs. Oh, what kind of adventuries you're gonna have with a bunch of unwed mothers?

You're sick. You're bringing this down. I really, I was so excited. I feel like this is really taking a horrible turn. I was, you know, I love the Vermilion Minotaur. I'm so excited to have you on as a guest. I'm sorry if I've offended you and I'm sorry, I have clearly upset you as well. No, I told you I had a long day of being fetishized, so it's just...

Okay. What's that? Well, what are some things coming up with the Vermilion Minotaur? People listening to this in my world, if they can somehow come through that dimensional rift if they find themselves in fun sure, like things they could expect

if they come to the Vermilion Minotaur. Well, we have opened Mike Knight. Really? Once a week? Absolutely. That's so strange because before I came here, you guys didn't even know what microphones were. What microphone? Microphone.

What is open mic night? We have a guy named Mike and he'll split himself open. Oh God. He's an inside outer. Which means he can exist either with his skin intact or sort of popped out Oh, and then he'll do like two three minutes of stand-up It's it gets pretty crowded here

An open mic nights. Oh, I'm gonna what night what night of the week is open mic night? Flenday Flenday all right here's what I'm gonna do I'm gonna figure out what day flenday is I'm gonna kind of try to make it a point and not mate. Flenday. Flenday. All right, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna figure out what day Flenday is. I'm gonna kinda try to make it a point and not come on Flenday. I'm sorry, I just... I was testing out some new material.

I told you about this the other day. As it comes to support my new material. Ah, I didn't know. Chance performing. Yeah. Chance observations. All right, show us some of your material. Don't make me be funny on the spot.

Alright, well how about this? Have you ever been walking next to a tree and like a leaf will fall and you're like chun's up with that? That's my catchphrase is chun's up with that. Chun's up with that? That's pretty good. I don't want any feedback from you. That's just one thing going on and then there's chun's Knight. There's a lot of Chant's centric knights here.

I mean, I've been here since I was a kid. I've been running around here. Otak's been like a father to me. A little Chant, you should've known Chant when he was a little guy. What was he like? Well, he went through different phases. He was different animals.

Yeah. What has been your favorite form that Chant has been in? Otter. Otter. Otters are pretty adorable. Yep. You should come in here, just lay on my back, crack open clams on my tummy.

Oh, that's pretty cute. And I need to have sex with a caterpillar. Yeah. Yeah, to the kitchen. Yeah, I'll see you in three months. Yeah. Oh, talk, thank you so much for agreeing to be a guest on Hello from the Magic Tavern.

I love the Vermilion Minotaur. I'm glad that people get a little bit more of a sense of this place we've been podcasting from every week. You're using my best booth? Yes, and please, I mean, I know you're often very busy running the place, but if you ever want to sit in on the podcast, please, please do. Thank you. And maybe we can get word out about your Mr. and daughter or about Activia.

I mean, we won't dwell on it too much because it's kind of depressing, but you know. All right. All right, use the door. As always, please, if you enjoy this podcast, go to iTunes, give us a review, give us five stars, and just let people know. This is a major discovery. I'm sure most of Earth is really going crazy about it right now. But on the off chance that isn't major news, please get the word out there.

Also, you can email us your questions about FUN at magic tavern at puppies.supplies.sware. It's a real email address. It's all I could get for some weird firewall with the Burger King Wi-Fi. It's not worth going into. But we got an email from Joshua Bright who asks, is there an amusement park in FUN? If so, what are its mascots and assorted attractions? I don't know if you would even know what an amusement park is.

It's just like a large, like a fair or festival that is just always there and you go in their rides and people dressed up in weird costumes. We have, there's Topo land. Yep. And it's, you's topple land. Yep. And it's, you basically climb it to the top of a tree and they'll, some it'll knock over the tree and you just, it's where you go to die.

It's where you're ready to die. I feel like that would be. So we don't have to term a measement part. It's not talk about that. OK, we call them death parks. I know, but his wife is killed by a tree. Shot no. Yeah, I mean, we have that rapport.

So at the death parks, the trees aren't doing it intentionally. It's part of the ritual. I see. Is it common for people to go and kill themselves at this topple park? I mean, if tree topples in the forest is in one here, it's pretty good. Chantza, chant, for that. Well, what another wondrous array of imaginings in a fantastical world that isn't real because it's fake.

Chant The Badger was brought to glorious life by the human Adel Rathai. Usador the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Special guest O'Talk Barleyfoot was played by Nick Bear. He would agree with me that assembling an army of robots powered by the souls of children is no easy task. You can follow Nick on Twitter at N-B-A-E-R. Don't be terrified by the unconventional spelling. And Evangelkova was in there somewhere yelling in the background, produced by Evangelcaver

and Ryan to Georgie, edited by Ryan to Georgie, music by Andy Poland. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Allard LeBan. Learn more about the show and the fantastical world we've haphazardly assembled at hello from themagictavern.com or follow us on Twitter at Magic Tavern. The Cooperative at ChicagoPodcastCoop.com