Hello From The Magic Tavern - 60 - Confidential Courier

Episode Date: May 2, 2016

This week we talk to Jimminent Turlybirther, the Confidential Courier. What's he couriering? We'll see if he'll confide.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungJimminent Turlybirther, the Confidential Courier: Tim BaltzMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Keep in mind, easily bamboozled Earth residents, the following podcast is not real, but it is really part of the butt puppy, the ear wolf network. And it continues to be sponsored by a mystery sponsor, who, if I can just go ahead and cumberbatch this, is cards against humanity. There's really no one else it can be, and frankly we've gotten enough mileage out of this Prius of Aruse. They're asking listeners to send small physical objects to cards against humanity, 1917 North-Earth-Earth in Chicago, Illinois, 60643. Care of, Arne and Ecamp,

for Million Minotaur, Town of Hogsface, Land of Foon. And they'll shove those objects through the dimensional rift, and now slip into your favorite pretending robe and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arne Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is the spiel. A little over a year and a month and some change ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king into the fantastical magical land of fune. Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the burger king through the dimensional

Rift that I fell through and I used that to upload a podcast that I record every week Here in the tavern the Vermilion Minotaur and the town of Hogsface in the land of fune and I am joined as always in the land of Phoon. And I am joined, as always, by my buddies, my pals, my co-hosts. I am Yusador, wizard of the twelfth realm of a fesiest master of light and shadow. Many, many, of magical lights, devourer of chaos, champion of the great halls of the Rockest. The elves know me as fying, Yelik. The dwarves know me as zone in a new extinguisher, and I am known in the North East as gasmoine gasmoine gasmoine and there may be other secret names

Oh names of such potency I that if I were to turn them into a liquid form They would coalesce until they became a crystal and grew into a great stalagged mic Ender stalagged tight and then they came together into a single unit and Feel the cave filled with magical crystals and wonder. Hey, nobody. Good, how are you? I'm doing alright.

I like your new hat! Yeah, well, thank you. Why did you decide to buy a new hat? Um, I found it. Oh, you found that hat. Yeah, I found this hat. Very nice. Thank you.

It's bright green. Yeah. It's a shaped much like my hat. Mm-hmm. Why, well, alright. Yeah, I'm wearing a big ol' green wizardy hat. Hmm. Weird. Yeah, it has nothing to do with you.

Hmm. Hey, and also my other co-host. Oh yeah, baby. It's a chunt. Bow down. Oh, that's right. King of Badgers. You are now. You have been named King of the Badgers.

That's right king of the badges you are now you have been named king of the badgers. That's right. I accepted How like what is the life like now is king of the badgers pretty similar except that will wear this tiny crown Neil We are a Neil Neil. Neil show your fealty. Oh wait. I have to kneel. Yes. Yes, but I'm not a badger But I am king of the badgers. All right No Not a Badger, but I am King of the Badgers. All right, uh, this is gonna take a little second. Wait, no, no, no, no. So are you like local, is like a local chapter, King of the Badgers? Are you like Hogs face King of the Badgers?

Or all of Foon King of the Badgers? I don't know, what did I say when I announced it? I don't know, can you remember? I think it was just King of the Badgers. Oh, okay. So that implies if you're a Badger, I'm your king. Wow Are you the king of badgers on earth? I guess so And also don't forget I named you both nights in my service. That's right

Of course an isle serve you as bravely as I serve that good king Albane Bellaroth of the Northeast And you know what I'm just excited guys. We are all rocking some cool hats tiny crown green hat blue hat. Yes hat night Nice very much looks like spin-tax hat. Yeah, I think this might be a leftover spin-tax hat Oh, he might have had an extra one that he dropped. I have it. It doesn't do anything as far as I can tell Nope, why don't you take it off and reach inside of it? Okay, all right. Yeah, though. It's's no it's it's a hair as yellow as gold Hair as yellow as H A R E. Oh, it's a hair as yellow as gold. This could be useful I'm been collecting a cow as wide as milk

I've already forgotten what you need to tell what is for things. Yeah Cow is wide as melka hair as yellow as things. Yeah, the cow is wide its mouth. A hair is yellow is gold No, the cap is red is blood. It doesn't matter. I'm dying soon A hair is yellow as gold corn. A hair is yellow is corn. Oh, play way off It was nice knowing you chun Fear not for the awnings plan. It has not worked. I have brought you this mystical geo Whoa, oh, let me see that if you sleep with this under your pillow for the next week. I'm glad you said under your pillow Yes, yes under your pillow if you have sex with this geo'd under your pillow for the next week

I believe it's you're your curse. Wow Wow, well I may not live to see tomorrow, but I'll gladly join this fight. You know, it doesn't matter that this hair, this rabbit, isn't the right color, because I already have hair as yellow as corn. I mean, I've already collected that. Oh, when did you collect that? I just, literally, it was the first thing I got. I mean, it's like the easiest thing in the list.

Oh, okay. It's yellow hair. Like, how hard is that to collect anywhere? I walked around Hog's face, I found the blondest person I could find, and I asked if I could have some of their hair. It weirded them out, but you know what, they gave it to me, and they asked me to go. So I have a cape as red as blood, hair as yellow as corn. I am halfway to reversing the curse. If you could just remember the other two things.

Do you have any guests this week on? We do, I'm very excited. We are joined by Jim, I might be saying this wrong. Jiminent, Turley Berther, the confidential courier. Hello. Wow, what a rogish figure. I sauntered over because as you can see I'm wearing a hat to conceal my identity. Oh, welcome. It's not nice. Yeah, it's at night. Yes, at night

So Jim and it why you're hiding your identity. Yes. Yes. Well, I am a confidential career My name is Jim and in Turley, but perhaps you've heard of. Or perhaps you've heard of me as what my friends call me, Jim Currier. Jim... Jim Currier! For short, Jim and in Turley Bertha, the confidential Currier, but my friends know me as Jim Currier. And of course, my fans are all known as Bertha's. Oh! Yes, of course.

I have heard of you and I have heard of your travails across all of food with your mysterious packages and letters I've seen you many times before you said or but I've always kept my distance Smart what smart What's what are you delivering is there? Well, I couldn't possibly talk about that. Oh, cuz it's confidential It's confidential. I mean I am am someone who, if there is a package that must be exchanged for great sums of money, treasures, antiquities, something needed to save one's life,

or perhaps you just want to bury something in a mixed-ingleshane forest. Sure. I'm the person that you call. Wow, so you're well-traveled throughout all of Foonits, huh? Very well-traveled, I've been known to go on many adventures. Wow, I'm sorry, we sort of blew past this. Your fans are called Berthers?

Yes, Teryi Berthers, but for short, they go by Berthers. Yeah, I gotta say that. They're good people. Good people. These Berthers are good people. They're very wise, intelligent, well-read, good people. Yeah, it's gotta say, not the same on earth. Really?

What are birthers on earth? Birthers on earth are people who just are searching for conspiracy theories where they do not exist. Well, I guess the theories exist, but... Yeah, but then they should come to food. We're all manner of evil. We're all manner of evil. We're all manner of evil. We're all manner of evil. We're all manner of evil. We're all manner of evil. We're all manner of evil is about us at all times.

And the Dark Lord may strike from the corner, for ye his agents be all around us. And I, even the good kingdom of the North East, is not ready for the evil that gathers itself in strike right now. What part do you play in this Jim Korea? I'm just a man who's currently holding a very secretive package. What? His hands are in his lap.

Oh, yeah. I could take them out. Oh, okay, sure. You just kept them there for warmth. Thank you. I feel more comfortable. It was a little odd. Why do you keep your hands in your lap?

Oh, well, you know, just... I forget where they are. I'm casting a spell. Again, if you have a package, you have, just, uh, I forget where they are. I'm casting a spell! Again, if you have a package, you have something secretive, something of great value that you need transport, that you cannot risk the safety of, and you give it to me. Jim Currier. Wow, Jim, what is like, I know it's confidential.

But what is like, could you share like some of the past things that you've carried? Ooh, boy, sure I could share some of those. Favorite? My favorite ones? I did take the blue rock of the sea. Oh, sounds cool. I took the blue rock of the sea.

I took the blue rock of the sea from Percy Tuggled Earth. And I delivered to his wife's captain. Oh, sure. Oh, I then beheaded. Wow! Yes, because that was just an incentive. That was kind of a bonus that he offered being. Oh, you know, get my wife back.

That's not a normal part of your delivery service. No, no, but I've been- That would be an awful end. Here's a package for you sign here. I'm gonna get your head off. Alright, yes read the fine print always. This requires a beheading. No, but the the birthers did love that. They love the beheading. Yes, well, I see some other ones. Well, I the scrolls of Poomphine. Ooh! They've been missing for over a hundred years. Well, I knew where they were for a while, and they're missing again because I put them in another secret in place.

Oh, yes. I must draw this information out from your mind. Here now, listen to me, Jim Courier. Become one with Yusador's mind and tell me all of your inner thoughts He's using that voice he uses when he does magic tell me your inner thoughts. Are you asking? I'm asking very nicely. Are you asking for another story? Yes, yes, yes, exactly. I'd be that wasn't you casting a spell You know, not at all just persuasive voice. Yes, exactly. Oh, that was polite and focused. Thank you. I appreciate it. You're no problem. I once took on

behalf of a great Duke in the West who will remain nameless the Dimple sphere of evil. Oh, yes, I took it and I placed it in a hole Ah, and then I covered up that hole with dirt and leaves and I can't tell you where that hole is Sure, yeah, I always hated about the dimpled sphere of evil is like you just can't stay mad at it Look at those dimples. They're adorable. It's so cute so charming at any point in which you hold it the dimples are always showing Yes, exactly, but that's how it's evil sneaks up on you. Yes But yeah, I've said too much. My fans know all these things. If you're one of the Berthers, then you know what Jim Courier has been through.

But the more I divulge about my past, the more worried I become that I'll tell you about what I'm carrying right now, which I really can't. Oh, you're just telling us right now? No, I really can't tell. I'm sorry that you would just accidentally tell us. Well, no, but we're in the Vermilion Minotaur. As I walked in, I saw a few suspicious elements that dwarf in the corner You know there's three elves at the bar all peaking out from behind the same magazine. Yes, they're straight. Yeah

That habit girl that that when I walked in she she put out one pinky in one thumb and Kind of rocked her fist near her ear and mouth the words called me. Wow. That was suspicious. What does that mean on phone? That's a symbol that people do when they want you to cast a mind connection spell. Oh. They're saying I'm connecting to your mind. Unless you hold it out in front of you and then it's about surfing. Oh, I don't. From Hawaii? Yeah. How did you know? I'm just guessing. Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't do that. And of course, come on. Please drink my friend drink up here. No, gentlemen, gentlemen, I came for the

spice potatoes. If a drop of meat would have passed these lips, so I might divulge exactly what it is I'm carrying and I mustn't do that. I can't do that. How much? How much? Should I attempt to think last of tenth wine? I tell you, a drop of talent wine passes these lips, and I might be keen to divulge exactly what it is I'm carrying. How about a rainbow bowl? I tell you. Well, drop just a sip from a rainbow bowl, and I might divulge exactly what it is I'm carrying. How about a cup of spill the beans?

Oh, spill the beans. I'm not familiar with this, what is that? There beans that are scattered in a white molasses? Hmm. You know? Oh, yeah. I tried. I tried.

Oh, no, no. But if there's something that will give me a buzz, that will get Jim Currier going, then I might be inclined to. Oh, look at this. Oh, nice waitress. Hello. Yes, that's a tramp. Yes, a tramp.

Oh, my. What's up, amongst friends? A nice pint of need. Yeah, I should... Well, I'll take one sip just to... Just to loosen up on Hat Knight, age of... Yeah, Hat Knight! To Hat Knight!

Alright, but I won't be telling you anything, I promise. Oh, yay, and two of me, all yours. Oh, he is, Jim Curry. He's perfect. Just... I'm sucking it down! You mind me? Mmm...

Oh, yeah, oh, well, he's really... He's really gonna tell him a drink. I'm currently carrying the secret beads of Firlingshire. Whoa! I don't even know what that is! What is that even possible? What is that? What is the secret beads of Firl, Firl, Firl, Firl?

Alright, first off, you store. Who is this man in the food or screen hat? Ah, this is Arnold, Y'all the Earth. It's Arnie. I'm not from this world. I'm new here, so I don't know of all the magical items that you have. An Earthbeeg. Yeah.

Yes, yes. Interesting. Well, I'm sure I can trust him. He won't even know what this is. Yeah. The secret beads of Fervingshire are two beads that, when used properly I can trust him. He won't even know what this is. Yeah! The secret beads of furling chide are two beads that, when used properly, can solve any dilemma, any quantity, any predicament, and offer you the solution to your problem.

Really? But it is of extreme importance that you remember two things about the secret beads of furling chide. Okay? And that is, it is most important to unlock them in the precise way and to transport them in the precise way. And if you should not, then you run the risk of evaporating into a fine mist that is doomed to travel the fields of fune being inhaled and exhaled by all manner of beasts. You aren't even like a ghost. You're not even that coalesce.

You're just a mist that is part of the atmosphere with consciousness. It happened to Stephen the King. Stephen the King. He turned into a mess. Yes, he did. Yes, he did. And some say that was perhaps because he failed at unlocking the secret beads of Ferdinand Shire.

How do you... How do you... How do you... How do you... How do you... How do you... How do you... How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How do you- How many problems can the beads unlock? Is it like a one problem thing? There's a limitless amount of problems that the beads can unlock. Look, unless I have more meat or talent wine, which I really shouldn't do, I can't tell you anything more about the secret beads of furniture. On me.

Yeah, you still as buy-in? This is dangerous. I squeeze about chance. I'll tell you, this talent wine, talent wine mead, you're in need of another round. Yes, that's what you're in saying. That's what you're in saying. The whole rhyming thing. Full pint of mead before a nice glass of Talith wine and you know, you're feeling fine and dandy for another round. Yes, exactly. Yes, exactly. I love I love how these expressions are not pithy like they just kind of keep They keep going past like it's like you get it, but then there's a couple more words. What do you what do you mean? I mean, it's they they go on a little. Oh tell me some pithy earth and say oh this should be good

Do you want a rhyming one or just any earth thing? I can't imagine you remember a rhyme, but go ahead. A red sky at night, sailor delight. Red sky at morning. Sailor take warning. What the hell does that mean? It means that if there's a red sky in the morning, the weather will be bad. And if there's a red sky at night, fuck a sailor. Now, I would there be a red sky at night, fuck a sailor. Now, I would there be a red sky at night. It's night time.

I don't know. I've never seen it. Does this happen on earth? Yeah, I mean, it's just the same. I mean, we have things like that. It's the same, it doesn't mean anything. Like there's certain snakes in food that are poisonous and some that aren't, they look very similar.

So we have a saying of like, when you see certain colors together, like, there's a saying of red and black, friend of Jack, the guy who handles snakes, so you're fine, right? Red and yellow kills a fellow until he's dead and then has family mourns him. See, there you go, it goes on. It just keeps going a little bit past the rhyme,

that's what I'm saying. You know, one of my favorite ones is pint of mead, glass of talonth wine, oops, I poured them both into into a rainbow bowl and now I'm at risk of telling you even more about the secret beads of furling chow, my fellows. I think he's telling what he's doing. Yeah, pretty much. Well, oh, the waitress is back. Hello. Yeah, whatever he wants, whatever he wants. I'll have a glass of talinth wine.

I kind of want to turn around while he drinks it. I'll have a pint of meat. I don't know if I can watch that again. And I'd like them both poured into a rainbow bowl with enough room. They really mix love to that cup when he drinks. They were chilling. Ah, here we are.

Oh, I can't. It's sort of like, I feel like it's the first time I've ever watched pornography and I was like, I was not prepared to see these things. Sometimes I wonder if this is like it's the first time I've ever watched pornography and I was like, I was not prepared to see these things. Sometimes I wonder if this is what it's like to watch me. Yes. Pouty, pouty lips, up to pretty, pretty liquid. Down goes the rainbow bowl, the pint of me, the tannin thwai, and I'm feeling fine and dandy.

You have a cup of spill of beans. Yeah, don't mind if I do Ah, no you tried to trick me. It's barely a liquid Disgusting. Oh, there is a pithy saying if you have a time traveling charmed that you go back a couple of days And you know something bad has happened. They say be kind rewind That's a good one. Yes, that's exactly the right number of words for that expression Yes, exactly fair. That's great. Well number of words for that expression. Yes, exactly. That's great. Well, you know what?

Let's get a couple more drinks. Let's take a quick break and we'll get back, we'll talk a little bit more with Jim and it cricket. And we'll be right back. What did you call me? Jim Currier, you ponds. Oh, no. So, Jim and it. How you doing alright?

Well, I'm doing fine. So, let's talk about these beads. Yes. The secret beads of what was it again? Secret beads of furloughlygshire. The secret beads of furloughlygshire. How do you... Secret beads of furloughlygshire.

You said that there were like two things about them. Like, you had to... Yes, very careful. I'll get to that. First, we must talk a little about the origin story of these secret beings. Sure. Yeah.

This is our origin story. This is plastic. Where did they come from? Where did they go? Where did they come from? I know. That would ride. Some say they were first found in the Hailbearing Creek

by NIST, the God of the people people. The people people. Some say they were directly pulled out of a volcano by, oh, Lord Tugglemereth. That's what I heard. Then he turned into a cow and turned into a wolf and, and turned into an owl, then turned into a mouse, who became Rodan of Firling Shire. Am I going to go? I thought it was showing off.

That's possible. Either way, whatever the legend states, the two most important things, knowing how to unlock and activate its powers, and transporting it properly. Shire, as you will surely be turned into a fine mist. Yeah. No. You put his hand up to his mouth and then barf between the fingers. That's not pretty sucked. He's eating a bag of...

No, we may have overshot the amount of... Can't let good talent wine go to waste. Yeah. Some of you water for my courier friend. Yeah. Thank you. Maybe another talent wine has lost some of it between my fingers.

All right, gentlemen, where were we on this precious hand night? All right. Can you see the beads? Are they probably under your hand? You'll see the beads after another round of pints and glasses and bowls, my friend. His hands are back on his...

Yeah, okay, sure, sure. So it's unlocking them. Unlocking the beads. Now it takes a very meticulous, comprehensive, particular mind to unlock these beads. You must be fastidious. You must approach them with exactly the right precision and technique, which is why for Ians these have also been called anal beads They're specifically anal about how you are not that potential. Oh, yeah, that makes sense. Oh, yeah Now harnessing the power of these anal beads just to just to okay

How many would you have? Um, I'm guessing more. Yeah, what would you be a man who took six anal- anal beads to try and unlock the mysteries of the universe and solve all your problems with six anal beads? I'm no expert, but six seems like too much. Two seems like too few. I'm writing all of this down. Most great travelers through Foon who have been lucky enough to access these anal beads

if only needed two. Okay. Now, activating them. Yeah. First transporting them. There's only one way to properly transport these beads. I have a guess. But, can you go ahead?

Well, what is your guess? Arnie with the green hat? How do you have to, let him speak. Yes, go ahead, Arnold. Well, here is my guess. Yes. Would it help if you had two buttholes? What? What are you talking about? I mean, mean sure it would help everyone if everyone had two but holes

You wouldn't put so much strain on the one that you had that's what I've been saying one for any is one for outies That's what I don't know Well, let's make them both a swinging door. I'll use them however I please Fair enough. Hello, waitress Fair enough. Hello, Laters. Oh God. How do you say am I pounding it, right? Where were we? Yes, transporting my beads. You were very close actually. You transport them in your one but one. I say. I say. You put them, you put them both in there. And they're secure. So now, you can search through my bags. You can behead me, you can torture me. And, you know, unless you give me enough rainbow bowls,

they're not just gonna pop out. You know, how many rainbow bowls before they just pop out? That actually is something that I really don't want to find out. And I think I'll reveal all of this information, but I won't reveal that. It's upwards of seven or eight.

Oh, okay. You don't have to abuse. Okay, then transport. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Ooh. Oh, where am I at? Come on, Jim Courier. Okay, he doesn't look so good, guys.

Activating them. He must be this properly. You will absolutely evaporate into a fine mist doomed. Follow the rolling meadows of food. You put the menu mouth and you speak what your quandary is. That's it? That's it, yes. How would you do that wrong?

What's that? How would you do that wrong and turn and done this? Well, the next time you hit with mist, try to ask that fine miss what it did wrong. That's true. I don't understand like, like, what part of the process could you mess up and turn yourself into a miss? Perhaps you just think they sit in your butt crack and not actually go inside. I suppose you could, you know, try to wash them off before you put them in.

Oh no, no, no, you cannot wash them off. You'd be like, this is gross, I'm not going to put this in my mouth. You might take a mountain then think like, oh, if I bury one, I might turn into an anal bead stock. Yeah, are we getting close to that? I told you what you need to know to unlock the potential of the secret beads of herding check. So I put them in my mouth and I ask for what I want.

You speak your quandary. You put your predicament out in the world. You dictate your dilemma. And if I do that wrong, other people are going to see error missed. You'll turn into a fine mist, and the beads will drop to the ground. Oh, boy.

Why did you smile when you said see error missed? I had an earth people I loved. Can we travel? Can we try to do this, Jim? Oh, boy. Look, pop those beads out. Shunt will put him in his mouth. He'll save his own life. I think Arnold's problems are the most pressing personally.

Mm, Bennett. They're not. Asked him out. He'll have trapped here away from our family, your family that you love. I know. You did not mean to leave behind that you love so nearly. Yes. Are you kidding? That is your problem?

That's my problem. That is a noble and honorable problem That is now I'm supposed to be I'm supposed to be Supposed to be 30 leagues away across several islands and bodies of water tomorrow with the secret beads of furling shy But yes, where are you delivering them to and to whom? Now that I couldn't possibly say Another rainbow ball please. Ah, oh, just the scent of it will let me tell you.

I'm just delivering this princess, Elrathion. Princess, Elrathion. Princess, Elrathion. Princess, Elrathion, Princess, Princess Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-El-Elr-Elr-Elr-Elr-El She's the oh we broke him she fucks that big that turtle with the spikes She lives in that castle with the turtle with the spikes before anyone says anything more I just want to see the princess with the castle the spikes. She looks like a she looks like a she looks like a strawberry With a bunch of whipped cream and nobody's seen her forever though because every time somebody goes to the castle They're always like that princess is in another castle. I hear it, look at this. He changes castles frequently.

I feel like nothing has really underlined my predicament here in phone more than this moment. I'm a stranger in a strange land, so I don't know if he's spouting drunken gibberish or everything he's saying is literally accurate. You'll find out when I put these beads in your mouth, earth boy, and solve your problems. is literally accurate. We pose like a kid with stroke. I love it. Quick, John. John. What? No, no, no. Papa finger. I'm a king. I am royalty. Look, I'm just saying you've got the smallest hands. Why do we not wanna hurt him? What do you mean? No, we don't want to hurt him. Just kind of like out. Just pop it out. Yeah, Ana. Let me shrink your hands. Yeah, on a, let me shrink your hands. No, no, no.

Come on. Ooh, it works. It's tiny hands. I do. It's tiny hands. Oh, I do. I do. It's tiny hands.

Guys, wait, first, before you do anything else, just use your tiny hand to tip your head. All right. It's, it's had is so heavy. Adorable. It's adorable. There you go. There you go. Yeah.

All right, fine, fine. Look, if I can save Chun's life, if I can help use it on his quest for the Dark Lord, and if I can get home to see my family, my wife, and my daughter, and solve any other number of problems that we might have that we've forgotten about the void, I don't know. This has been a lot of episodes. I've forgotten some of our problems. I'm going to use my tiny hands to try to get these beads out of this birth or buttle. tiny hands to try to get these beads out of this birth or but all. Okay, careful. Okay. Do you have rock bottom on earth?

This is, guys, I know my hand is like halfway in his pants. Is this wrong? That's the big thing. Right? Go, go, go, go. Okay, all right. Go. I don't.

You're down the front of his pants. What are you doing? No, I'm just going to rip. Wait, oh. Uh oh, all right, I'll try another approach. Hmm, uh, but, guys, I don't feel anything in here. I just realized before you said that, this might have just been a ploy. One of his eyes is half open. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, This secret beads of furling shy are having been seeding in a thousand five hundred years.

Thanks for all that memories and the talent wise and meet in the rainbow bowls. Hey, this guy's just a little pervert. Suckers born every hat night fools. He's just a pervert in a hat. No, no. Oh, what a missed opportunity. So now let's really get to know each other. Oh, fuck it now. Uh, well, uh, Jim and I feel betrayed, but to be fair, I had a lovely time.

I was the one that put my hands where they were not supposed to go. Your tiny, tiny hands. I feel a lot of things right now, but trails, not of them. Yeah. Be baggled, be baggled your fingers. You got baggled. Be a fool, you got baggled, you punts. The, what the, what the,

I'm trying to be out any emails this week. I have, yeah. Here's an email. you, Pads. The, uh, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what The second is I was wondering if you chant would like to go to prom with me prom Prom it's like a dance. It's like a celebratory dance. Oh, I already have a date That seems weird, but I'm sure he would love to have you as a date too Okay, plus how cool it would be to bring a talky Talking sheepshifter to prom. It's on April 30th if you want to come. I can email more details to your end Pass it through the portal. You store in Arnie. You're to, though Arnie would probably want to see his wife and daughter. Anyways, thanks for being awesome and hilarious.

You know, I started to keep track of Earth time here, but I think people probably already passed. Then no! Thanks, Liza, but no! Let's see here. What are they celebrating? Um, school, just, you know, being just getting older, getting closer to being adults and past experimenting with adult things. Oh, but, and then there's usually a theme. It's like a dance party with a theme, like under the sea or, or be kind.

Under the sea. Or be kind rewind. Hey Arnie, you should go. You just experimented with adult things. So, Moving your face All right, uh, if you move you ponds you got back old I did get back God I got back old hey I if you want to email me you can email me at magic tavern at puppies.supplies

Here's an email I got from Chloe the subject line is wizard of the 12th Realm of Fisees. And the... How dare you! And Emo says just the thought, absolutely love the podcast, Chloe. So you know what I think I'm gonna try that out. Like the gas, my anus thing has been going alright, but I'll try... Next week I'll try Wizard of the 12th Realm of Fisees. What did you just try listening?

Reve... Reve... Reve... What if he is... What if... No one listening? Reverend, Reverend. What have you just, what have you- No one here could give it together. What if, look, don't tell me- You know, when I've had too much. We've been talking a lot about how much gym it's been drinking. You've always been going like, glass for glass. He's baggling himself.

You know, I know something in terms of the emails I'm getting. I know it's a lot of people on Earth are named Jared. Like, I got an email from a guy named Jared in the Jared. Like I got an email from a guy named Jared in the mill and I got an email from a guy named Jared, Dirty Head. I feel like everyone on Earth is named Jared. Not, no, it's, Jared is not, there's not that many Jared's on Earth, I don't think. Okay. What about take your word?

What about Billy Yum Yum 2x2? That's everybody, that's like most of the names. Yeah. Here, let me quick read one more email. Hi gang, thanks for keeping us Earth folks updated on the goings-on of FUNE on a recent episode. You asked for people to suggest puzzles and riddles, so I thought I'd send in a classic Earth logic puzzle and see how you all would answer. Here goes. You and three friends, Chant Arnie and a memory Grimlin, are trying to cross a river using a fairy. However, the fairy can only... Ooh, can the fairy fly? You and three friends, Chant Arnie and a memory Grimland, are trying to cross a river using a ferry.

However, the ferry can only... Ooh, can the ferry fly? No, it's like a boat. However, the ferry can only carry you and one other person at a time. What's more, you can't leave Chant alone with Arnie or they'll start arguing. You also can't leave Arnie alone with a memory Grimland

or, ugh, or he'll try it anyway. Et cetera, et cetera, this goes on for quite a while actually. Uh, what do you do? Excited to hear your answers. I'm sure the mind of a great wizard like you said, or, we'll make sure it work of this one. Richard, go. I have an answer.

Yep. Okay, so mine would be to kill Arnie, put him face down in the water, put the member gremmon on my back, and float across on Arnie's dead body. You used to roll the ass. You're a little about, you don't, you know, let's sink it. I'll's dead body. You used to own tears. You own a boat! No, let's sink it. I'll just sink it. You used to own what's your answer?

A man! Oh man. I've got an answer for you, Arnie. You could find the two secret beads, a furling shire inside me and put that quandary into it and get across that body of water. Let's get a room for our friend. I think he'll be spending time. Oh, I almost forgot one last thing.

Well, speaking of Pocchan, Pocchan objects, two holes. Someone has been poking objects through the small dimensional rift behind the Burger King. I've sort of found them laying behind the tavern and someone sent us a package to cards against humanity in 1917, North Elston Avenue, Chicago, Illinois, 6-0-642,

care of, Arnie Neekham spelled very wrong, for a million-minute tour, town of Hogsface, land of food. My hands are a little too small to open this. Chant, would you open this package? Yeah, baby. Let's see what we got here. Oh, there's a card in here. It says,

hello boys, longtime listener, first-time trans-dimensional mailer. I went to the Burger King and he gave me these tokens of his esteem. Arnie can show you how to put them on. I'm sure they kind of remind me of Tanikin, don't they? Given previous deliveries, anyway, enjoy as long as you get them. Love and Earth stuff, Liz H. And it looks like these are some sort of crowns, and there's little birds on them. A little cardboard crown. I love birds. Wow, now I can have two crowns.

I think they're crowns from these birds with mad. They're little cardboard crowns you get at the burger king, but they have angry birds on them for some reason. Now they look more mad than angry. Is this what birds look like on your world? No, not even close. Yeah, there's a little pig here, just like Tannigan. Uh, yeah, and this is the perfect time to get this on, on Hat Night.

Yeah, don't cry. Yeah, on Hat Night. Hat Night. Oh, new hats on. Who are you fellows with your new crowns? Say, uh, I'm a, I'm a confidential career and I've got to see... He already worked us. What?

You're gonna have to go and work this, you know. You have to go to another table and start over. My fault, gentlemen. Hat night. This guy knows what he wants. Wasn't it fun listening to all those human beings make up all those things that aren't happening? All I know is I'm at the end of my quest because I've already got. A man as planned as mud, a wizard as loud as god, a badger as bored as me, a plot as

thin as Callista Flockhart circa 1994. Oh, I said it. Usador was played by Mat Young like a man with a personal vendetta against Quiet. Chant, or as I call him, Argui, was played by Adel Rafaie. Jimin and Terley Berther, the confident courier, was played by special guest Tim Bolts. Be sure to check out Tim on bajillion dollar properties on CISO, which is now available on Roku, Chromecast, Amazon Prime,

and any number of other places. Just Google CISO or something. You can do it. Craig, bring us home. My Boba Fett Glorfindle fanfiction won't write itself. Hello from The Magic Tavern was produced by Arne E. Camp, Evan Jacoba, and Ryan D. Georgie. This one edited by Chris Raffchen, music by Andy Poland, logo by Alan LeBon, extra sound designed by Jason Knox.

Visit us at hellofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks to Ear Wolf and the Chicago podcast co-op. If you need more, shut in your life, why not listen to Adel Refie's new podcast, Siblings Pecular, available on iTunes and other podcast places right now. It's Siblings Pecular, it's spelled like Pecular. It's for looking Siblings Pecular. It's pronounced Pecular. Just listen, you'll get the eats, it's the whole thing.

Just listen to the show. Also, Magic Tavern will be doing two shows at the Chicago Improv Festival. First, on Friday, May 6th, the cast will be interviewed about their process. If you can call this a process as part of Improv Nerd. Then on Saturday, May 7th, they'll be doing a special live show that will not be recorded. So if you want to hear it, get your tickets now. More info at www.ChicagoImprovFestival.org. We're also maybe going to do some live shows in Chicago in like July and August, so keep

your eyes on the Magic Tavern Facebook page the best way to get that information. What do you think of this? Here is said Glorfendo. Let's get you out of that rocket pack and into some flowing satins. Be honest. I just feel like I don't know enough about, um... No, it's good. I like it.