Hello From The Magic Tavern - 64 - Jamillious the Mauve

Episode Date: May 30, 2016

I meet Foon's current Mauve Wizard who is also Foon's first black wizard.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungJamillious Washington the Mauve: Anthony LeBlancMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiTricia: Kate JamesKern: Spencer HamProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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And it's also sponsored by Cards Against Humanity. Have something to send to Arnie Chant or Usador, box it up and send it to Cards Against Humanity, 1917 North-Eleston, Chicago, Illinois, 60642. Care of, Arnie Neacamp, Vermillion Minotaur, Town of Hogsface, Land of Foom. And Cards Against Humanity will shove it through the dimensional portal. Now suspend your disbelief up to the very highest shelf where you keep the really upsetting porn and enjoy the show. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, shame on you. I forgive you. This is all that you need to know. A bit over a year ago I fell through a dimensional

portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the fantastical magical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from that Burger King in Chicago, into the fantastical, magical land of fun. Luckily, I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from that Burger King through the dimensional portal that I fell through, and I use that to upload a podcast. I record every week here in my favorite tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of fun, and I'm joined, as always, by my boon companions, my buddies, my co-hosts.

Oh yeah, baby. Junt the talking badger slash sheep shifter. Slash kings. Slash king of the badgers. That's so, how is it, how's it going being king of the badgers? Great. I feel like I must have asked you

that exact same question last time. You have, you did. I guess I just want to know, like how is your life change? I feel like I've seen you a little less chuchu since you'd be deemed king of the badgers. Well, I kind of let you store run Chuchu's chow. I pop in every once in a while.

Sure. But yeah, I just try and give some nice speeches to the badgers to pump them up, make them feel good about themselves. Well, what does it something you say to the badger populist make them feel better? Listen up, babies. You guys are great. Keep doing your thing. Badger on. Badger populist and make them feel better. Listen up, babies. Like, you guys are great. Like, keep doing your thing.

You know, Badger on, you know? Badger on, yeah. But, you know, I've been actually been very busy. I know you don't like talking about it too much. There's this curse. You're supposedly going to die soon. I feel like you're a little bit in denial about it. Not in denial.

It's just, you know, life leads to death and death comes for a soul and, you know, we rise and we fall and we break and we make our mistakes and, you know, death doesn't discriminate. Well, I am trying my best to reverse this curse. I'm supposed to collect a hard to remember. Akala was you want to write it down? I should write it down, right? Instead of just trying to song, remember it. But a cow is wide as milk, hair is yellow is gold,

a cape is red is blood, a slipper is pure is gold, I have the hair, I have the cape, and a bunch of badgers came to the Vermilion Minotaur this morning, dragging a dead white cow. What? I have a cow as white as milk. It's dead, but I have it. Oh boy.

I did not order her a cow to be killed. Some badgers have disobeyed me. Wait, did you tell me? And I will make them fear me. Really? So you're, wait, are you telling the badgers not to help you? Reverse the curse? I told them to help me.

You told them to help me. I didn't want to admit it to you. I mean, maybe they found the dead cow They killed it Now all you need is a pair of slippers. I need a slippers as pure as gold Which seems that's the tough one. I mean honestly the other ones not that hard So it's not why don't they just what can they just be slippers made of gold? I I want it as purers gold me. That's a good question. I don't know Gold. What is as purers gold mean?

That's a good question. I don't know. This is going to be hard. Even if it's just pure gold slippers, that's a high value item. Like you can get a cow. I mean a cow can be expensive. You can get hair. That was really easy.

The cape. Still not that hard. The slippers part. That's the hard one. Luckily, your friends with user of the 12th realm of a Fesiest Master of Light and Shadow, manipulator of Magical Delights, devourer of Chaos, champion of the great halls of Tarakas, Elves Nomiya's Fieing Elok, the dwarves Nomiya's Zonenhuks stangies, and I'm known in the Northeast as Gaston Wainius Mastar and...

There may be a name or two I've yet to reveal because these names are so powerful. They would let alone unthrown kings set oceans where there's land and land where there's oceans. I'm gonna go back to feline zealog. I'm gonna go back to feline zealog. Nothing... Nothing since then is really felt right. And you know what? If I learned anything last week with Jack Vorp on the singing sword, you don't run away. I'm gonna go back to feline zealog. I'm gonna go back to feline zealog.

I'm gonna go back to feline zealog. I'm gonna go back to feline zealog. I'm gonna go back to feline zealog. Nothing since then is really felt right. And you know what? If I learned anything last week with Jack Vorp on the singing sword, you don't run away. I'm gonna go back to feline zealog. I'm gonna go back to feline zealog. I'm gonna go back to feline's that like nothing nothing since then is really felt right and you know What if I learned anything last week with Jack Whorep on the singing sword you don't run away from love

You don't run away from me. You just try like wizard of the 12th realm of like a Sneezy elf or something Like at least let it be something delightful Okay, I'll think about it. I'll think about it. I said, next week I'll either do a Sneezy Elf or Feline Zellik. Although I gotta say, thank you, John, because Sneezy Elf really is making Feline Zellik look a little bit better. Look just that much better. But guys, I want to talk to our guest. I'm very excited. Wizards are such a big part of this world, and we've had a couple on before, Just that much better, but guys, I want to talk to our guest. I'm very excited.

Wizards are such a big part of this world and we've had a couple on before, right? We've had Spentex the green, you said, or you're you said, or the blue. We've had Candle Wizard. Candle Wizard, I haven't met him. He's an awesome dude. We haven't met Blorth the Brown, but we've met his creepy... Monkulous. The Monkulous. Uh, but you know what? We have on a Maw Wizard. Jamilist them off. Yeah, what we have on a Moved wizard Jamilus them off. Yeah, what's up? Yeah, Jamilus them off. Yeah, you know I'm just holding it down, you know one of the first black wizards You know just trying to you know make it make ends meet sure that magic happen

You know, I'm Jamilus the mob is my you know wizard name sure I like to go by my my you know my actual like is my wizard name, I like to go by my, you know, my actual birth name, Jimless Washington, you know, bring a feast and famine, you know, master the great plantation, shadow of the triangle trade winds, you know, the dwarves know me as that dude, you know, elves know me as always holding, you know, and I'm also known in the far south as boy, so, you know, I just always try to make it happen, you know. And the badgers know me as Jimi list the realist We don't say like that you don't say like that. Yeah, you know badges like they the bed is a cool man Ben is a strength you call people. Oh, I think you I get down with some badges. Oh, thank you. Oh, yeah

Can I just say you are the coolest wizard? Oh, hey like the watch it. I mean, that's not saying much, but by a great, by a great length. You said we're the best wizard, but I think just the way you wear your robes a little slug. Yeah, sometimes I wear my robes inside out. Yeah, sometimes. Just let people know, yeah, I got my own style. But it's cool when you do it.

When you said or does it, you're like, oh, you said or you don't, do you even realize you're wearing your robes inside out? I have my robes inside out like a half a year. Oh I was probably trying to cast a spell Yeah, usurus always trying you know his trousers are hard, you know what I mean? Oh, I try very hard and I succeed at every turn Yeah, yeah, you said or you know sometimes, you know

He would wander down to the know the darkest as the halls, and we let him hang out for a little bit, making it feel good about himself. Lem feel like he was a part of the... I was very popular at the Great Halls of Dragons. Yeah, sometimes he tried to jump in the freestyle spell circles sometimes. Ah, he tried to throw some off the cuff spells. Sure. But he tracks he tracks

That's when I first made it tiny horse Free style spell yes, wow Jamilis would you mind showing us some freestyle freestyle freestyle right now? Oh, yeah, I can do that Yeah, I'm coming straight to you coming with the magic mode making sure I got it with the crazy dawn I'm gonna put it up make it big. What is it? Whoa? What the book? Very impressive holy crap a wonderful feast just appeared here. I'm amazing Yeah, you know sometimes you got to eat you know this is the first good food. I've seen since I've gotten to food Yeah, yeah, you know when you come down to the south, you know

You get to enjoy some real good food. Yeah, I, you know, when you come down to the South, you know, you get to enjoy some real good food, you know what I mean? Like stuff that's not boiled or like, yeah, we have this concoction we call mumbo. Mumbo? Yeah, yeah. Oh, mumbo's delicious. Yeah, it's a lot of seafood mixed into a flour base. Sure.

It's like a stew that you like, like set up for a couple of hours, it's got some okakura in it Yeah, there's also a mumble Ia which is oh, yeah, that's a good stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I got a badger friend that makes a real like straight, you know true Southern you know mumble Ia sure, please introduce me. Oh, yeah I mean he's a Southern badger so you know I'm I'm I would love to love that he's there a little rough, you know a little That's fine that you sit here before they're very king Hey man, I mean, you know badgers have a hard time down south. Oh, yeah, yeah badgers man. They're being oppressed down there

Well, let me I'm gonna write this down John What are you gonna do for the badgers in the South? I didn't know but I'm gonna try and solve it Not I'm gonna try and solve it. It's not, I'm gonna skip. I'm gonna use it. That's neat. No one's told me. The badgers up up here, you know what I mean? Like the badgers are like, there's like freedom up here.

You know, badgers care. They can become anything they want. Oh yeah. I mean, I'm not even a badger, and I'm king of the badgers. So what does that say about? It's not a great thing to go back and tell your friend. Oh wow.

All right. Yeah. So you use front and edge of the. Oh, wow. All right. Yeah. So you use front and has a badger, man? No, I mean, I'm a badger, but I'm also a shapeshifter. I don't, yeah. But immediately, I'm going to make a decree that all Southern badgers can come up north and we will hang. Yeah, and then I'll find out about it a couple of months later, you know what I mean?

Jamil, so I'm, what's it like being, you're the first black wizard? I'm the first black wizard, you know what I mean? Jamil, so what's it like being you're the first black wizard? I'm the first black wizard, you know? I mean, I guess there is a black wizard, but you're, I'm the first, uh, racially, yeah, black wizard, you know, is that does that feel? Is it tough? Does it a lot of response? It's hard, man. It's hard, you know, sometimes, you know, not, you said, or is, you know, he's, he's

down, you know, I mean, like gets it I'm down to clown. Yeah, yeah He gets it is maybe not the right. I mean he tries. He tries. He's good-hearted You know, but that's some other wizards man that they just on some some crazy shit, man Sure, like there's there's a point when I that first you know went into the halls, you know I would get made fun of sure You know, I didn't have the robes and everybody else, you know, I would get made fun of. Sure. I didn't have the robes in everybody else's head. You know, I didn't have all the stuff.

I was down-scout with shit, you know. Sure. So people are like, yeah, you ain't got the proper spell books. You know, your cauldron is used. You know, like your ones are like, you know, secondhand. Is it bad to have a used cauldron? I mean, this is build up. Or is it like a teapot where it's like it makes it the flavor better?

Well, the remnants that get left behind in a cauldron used one can impact the effectiveness, the efficacy of the potions that you grate. So it can be a negative yes, certainly. Did you ever have cauldron residue mishaps from your use cauldron? I did I did actually You know, I was trying to you know conjure up a freestyle spell and I wanted to give myself a Jerry curl You know so so if I could solid month man, it was just yeah, yeah Really have Jerry curls on earth. We do. I'm not sure if it's the exact same thing. What's the Jerry cool curl and food? Oh, it's whenever you know your fingers start to like curl up and

Controlling. Oh, you know, and it's like It's like just dripping. It's all kind of dripping sweat. I mean your fingers are just dripping sweat Yeah, that's not as bad as it is on earth. Oh, okay Now Jamilus. Yes. Yeah, why will you brought forth into food? What great quest Yes, yes, why were you brought forth into food? What great quest Fills your heart with dread and wonder Well, you know, I am I gotta tell you y'all and it's hard for me, you know because sometimes

People always associate black with being dark sure, right? You know, I think there's somebody that you know you sudor knows That's really given you know people who are you know darker a bad name. Oh absolutely. You have the dark. And this is one of the awful only one of the awful things he's done. Sure. So the Dark Lord, this hard to talk about. The Dark Lord is a black wizard but he's not a black wizard. He was a member of our order. His robes were black. He became the Dark Lord and we have cast him out.

Is this an appropriate question? It's probably not. If I have to ask that beforehand, what, like the Dark Lord, what is his racial makeup? I assume he's white. I assume he's white. He's more of a bluish gray.

Yeah, a bluish gray. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How should I feel about bluish gray? Shhh. It's horrible that I'm immediately like, how should I feel about bluish gray people? Yes, it is. It is horrible.

Yeah, I mean, there are many great bluish gray people that I know. Yeah. They're all wonderful. I hate the dark lord with more than anything. I'm really ashamed of myself. I care about one horrible person who bluish gray skin. I'm like, well, should I be worried about bluish gray people and genre? Of course not.

These are the types of conversations about wizards we should be. Yeah, we have to have that open dialogue. You know what I mean? You've got to open it up. Yeah. So, you know, for me, you know, my biggest quest is I'm trying to, I'm trying to take back things. You know what I mean?

I'm trying to take it back from the'm trying to I'm trying to take back things You know, I'm trying to take it back from the dark lore So yeah, so you know I'm thinking like robes, you know black robes Not bad. Oh, you know, I mean even though mob is better You know, oh yeah, but black is swimming. But, yeah. You know what, let's take a real quick break. And let's get a drink and let's learn more about the Moff Wizard. All right, we're back. Jimiolis, what, could you tell me a little bit about your powers?

Like how does the feast and fam and like, how does that manifest itself? Yeah, it is. Also, can we dig into this? Oh my gosh, that's amazing food. He's been sitting here, he's been grabbing these chops here. Yeah, passing around, number family's down around. All right. So the feast and famine, it's a hard balance, you know what I mean?

Because sometimes you get to eat all you want. You're sitting at that table, you're full, you know what I mean? Your spirit is nurtured. Sure. But then some other days, you just don't know what to do. You know, everything's holding you down. Everything's oppressing you. So I take that, I find that inside that person,

and I'm able to manifest that, whether it be a bountiful meal, or whether I give them nothing but dirt, rocks, and coal. You know what I mean? Like Santa. You know what I call? Oh, it's like Santa. I learned like who? Well, on my world, there's a magical being who, not Moves, Robs, but like Red Robs.

Okay. I thought you said there weren't magical beans, but you said there's no magic. Well, it's complicated. I mean, it's more of a folktale in my world. Ah, and if you're bad, he gives you coal. But he doesn't take the taste out of your mouth. I'd love to's more of a folktale in my world. And if you're bad, he gives you coal. But he doesn't take the taste out of your mouth. I'd love to hear more about that.

Oh yeah, sometimes, if I walk up to somebody and they're just acting wrong, I just slap across the face. Yeah. The most direct type of magic that is. Wow. And then when you smack them across the face, they lose the taste in their mouth. Yeah, it tastes right out their mouth, man. Wow it's this magical, you know ability. I have a developed it slap Arnie. No, I need my taste

That's almost all I have it's all the happiest I have I mean, but you know Arnie's Arnie's alright, you know Is it a little yeah, I had her tail a little bit that you were you know a little discriminatory again swords, you know Oh, I just didn't know I'm just trying to educate myself. The word on the street, man. Yeah. You got to, you got to take care of that. Yeah, I passed the word. Sorry.

What you, what you don't understand, it, Arnold, comes from a very foreign land, even stranger than the most bizarre places you've ever visited in food. This earth is filled with large metal buildings and all sorts of machinations beyond our understanding. These base backwards people live their lives. What? No magic whatsoever. How do you live, man? You know, we're not really living. You didn't have magic, you know, like it's just like people just do what they want.

You know what I mean? They just take advantage of you, hold you down, you know, you can't, you know, get strong with them, you know what I mean? So do you see magic as sort of a balancing? Absolutely, you know, sometimes, you know, when a wizard manifests in this world, you know, it's always for a reason, right? Exactly, it's always for a reason. To rebalance the scales, exactly. Exactly. Yeah. I came about because of the Dark Lord you know what I mean like when the when the dark Lord made his turn you know

they has like oh man like we gotta regulate this yeah like we gotta make sure that that people don't understand don't like associate dark and black together yeah so like bam black wizard yeah you know in some ways your job is harder than use the doors use the door has to defeat the dark word, but you have to kind of like Deal with the consequences of his very existence that little will So yeah, I'm I must only defeat this Manifestation of pure evil you must win back the hots and mines of those who've been wrong by him Yeah, and how's that better to do that with the feast?

And it's called a bank was like crazy. It's like, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, what the, know, like, why, why a feast? It brings people together. Exactly. I'm saying, why do you badgers get it? Oh, yeah. You might badgers. You might badgers. You might badgers. Can I say a badger? Yeah, you might badger. Yeah, you might badger, man.

What is more intimate than sharing food with someone? Fights for families and, oh, fuck. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, all right. You store was in the middle of a beautiful, sorry, sorry. No, he's right, so awesome. Just, I'm sorry beautiful Sorry, sorry, no he's right so awesome. I'm sorry, we hadn't said or done anything crass in like minutes.

You should have done any dyslaptism. No, I need my taste, but that actually brings up a question that I have. Yeah. What do you, do you have anything for people who, so food is healing and it's good in it? But what about people who hypothetically have a problem where they eat too much food,

like they eat until they're full or satiated and they just keep on eating? He's talking about him. Oh, you know, those are different kinds of feasts. I manifest food feasts, but I can also make a feast of the eyes. You know what I mean? I can make an amazing color array

that just makes you just like, woohoo! And you know, or you know, I might have a feast for the ears, you know, I don't have like a great tune. You know what I mean? It's something real hard, like a party banger. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, like, it's all about delighting the senses or cutting off any sensation whatsoever. So then can you also make people blind? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I can cut off their, any sense they have So then can you also make people blind? Oh, yeah, oh, yeah I can cut off their any any sense they have I can cut it off Wow, so they can't smell anything until I allowed them to smell it. Holy can you make them mostly deaf? Well, I can make them I can make them you know, stuff. Yeah, I can make a most deaf

You know, I can make them you know like you know kind of a deaf jam. Oh, oh You know, like, you know, kind of a deaf jam. Oh, oh, oh, that sounds good. Jam up that jam. Jam their ears. Yeah, jam their ears a little bit. So, you know, a deaf jam. Mm-hmm. Do you ever sitting at home and suddenly you're like,

oh, shit, I forgot to ever give that guy a smell back. Like, I meant to, I meant to like just fuck up his smell for like a week and it's been years and I forgot. Well, one thing that's actually, I've been working on, because I did have the problem, because I am young, you know, sometimes I make mistakes. Sure. You know, and I've been working on my long distance take, and give, I can give it take a long distance, right?

Yeah, so I've worked up to, you know, probably at least three to four towns over, you know, I can just give you something, it takes up my way from you. Wow, wow, that's impressive. Yeah, I mean, you know, and I used to do has been helping me out a little bit, you know, he's been, you know, trying to like give me that, you know, world championship leadership that he has, you know.

I like to take young wizards under my wing when I have the opportunity to help lift them up for lifting them up is lifting all of us up. Is that not true? Not to change the subject, but I also run a restaurant and do a little cooking there. If you're not busy later, I'd love for you to come by and try out some of my... some of our food.

I can check it out. I can do it. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I can do it. Invite your friends. You consider him using magic to make your food to chew to yourself Absolutely not why why not it needs something and needs a lot Hey, how dare you and B you'd love to that fox face. So we made for you. Yeah, you ate it all didn't you?

Over time you chewed it for a long time. Oh, it's the worst now that the big issue is that you know Your magic affects the food, you know, so if he tried to use magic on his food, you know, it would make it real like all the food that was supposed to be heavy, be light, you know, and start to play with the flavor profiles, you know, that you get a chicken breast, it's all dark meat. Mm-hmm. Oh. But it's a road, you know what I mean? No, it's a road. I mean, sometimes you want some jumps, sticks and thighs, you know what I mean? But you know, sometimes, I mean, I'm going to let you in a little secret right here.

Hopefully, you could always, I can get mad at me. No, we, you know, him and I, we have a special name. I like to call him, you know, I like to call him Phillyus Jacksonius. Ooh. Yeah, because, you know, he is, he is the commander and champion of some of us wizards, you know what I mean? He can make us win in any situation. Wow, I can't remember the first,

I was just shorting it to Phil, Phil Jacksonius. Yeah, so, you know, so Phil, you can get it done, you know? He can win with anybody. Yeah. No matter who it is, he makes it happen. Wow. I like to coach young wizards You know you said or I've got to say

I've got to say the fact that the mob wizard likes you Makes me think a little more highly of you I mean sometimes amazing some of the other wizards. I'm already your sort of a jackass Only spin-tax who I have said time and time again is nothing but a But food a Charlotteson Shaqiners But face but he seems to have a little more, you know magical abilities I doubt this I mean business about the magic man sure it's about what's inside, you know

So you know what's you know, I think the reason I like him so much is it's a time as old as the realm, you know what I mean? It's, you know, a crotchety kind of sometimes to me on the surface, grumpy, white-older mentor. Shrews like helping that young black kid just had, you know, make some of them yourself, you know, and like, you know, sometimes you come knocking at that door and like, Hey, man, aren't you the guy who wore all those master spells? And then I say, you're the man now, dog. What does that mean? What does that mean? I'm gonna go find the forest.

Oh. Well, thank you so much for joining us. I'm so excited to finally met another wizard. You're no problem, man. You're not anytime, anytime, man. You know, once you come down south, I take care of you. Oh, absolutely. You know, this is the first time I'm really compelled to travel that far away from the tavern.

I mean, a lot of seafood, a lot of coastal regions. It's real fun, man. That's awesome. We have this real cool thing. It's called RDR. RDR. RDR. Yeah, it's like this cool. like it's a whole like two weeks

to just celebrate, you know, we have like magical floats, you know, we like, we toss like magic charms off the floats, you know. Oh, I can't. What do you have to do to get the charms? I mean, you know, I've got, I don't know if that's something you know, you can handle, you know. I feel like I really want those charms.

I mean, you know, you got it. What do I gotta do? I feel like I would, like anything you want to those charms. You gotta show your buttholes I What if I okay here's the thing this is embarrassing. I only have one but oh Yes, I have one but oh tragic. Oh man. Can I ask you a favor and and it's only if you're want to do it But as a king yeah, I've had a wonderful feast I had some chops and some some great food and if you would make me a cake that, but as a king, I've had a wonderful feast. I had some chops and some great food. And if you would make me a cake that is fifth for a king,

but if you would maybe bake a baby inside of it, it sounds like a good idea, but not some sort of kingly cake with a baby inside, but not a real baby. With magic, he could make a cake with a baby in it. And then when you eat far enough into the cake you've got a new baby. Like born from cake.

Nothing bad happens to the baby. You're like, oh, cuter baby, I'm a CD cake and I found a baby. Well, let's see that. We'll slice it up and whoever gets the baby in their mouth has to raise that baby. Chump, did you get any emails this week? Yes, I did. Let's take a look here. This is an email from Lauren Slusky.

Lauren says, hi, I did. Let's take a look here. This is an email from Lauren Slusky. Lauren says hi, Chunch. I was just wondering if you ever wanted to come visit Earth if you could. Where do you think you would go? I am from Canada. Canada? Canada, yeah. I am from Canada and we have lots of awesome things to see here So I think if you were ever to come visit Earth, it might be somewhere you want to stop by. You are awesome. Rock on. Thanks, Lauren. What What all is in Canada? Oh, boy, well, there's a lot of forests. I mean, it's not that dissimilar from food in that way. A lot of greenery.

I like finding forests. There's maple syrup. There's a game called hockey. May I ask you a follow-up question? Sure. Well, the people of Canada be offended by how you've just described their country. Rocky? May I ask you a follow-up question? Sure. But the people of Canada be offended by how you've just described their country.

I think they would be like, that's a wild oversimplification, but not wrong. Okay. I mean, Canada, I know you're so much more. But you know, Canada actually has like a maple reserve of like, it's like just billions of dollars worth of maple syrup. And people tried to steal it. There was a heist, there was a maple syrup heist in Canada.

And that's why I don't like to talk about earth stuff. I know, there's one of the email here, this is from Publito. Hey, John, it's a big fan here, so I was thinking if you would be interested in having sex with me, so you would shape shift into me, then you could go work in my place, I work in an office with a shitty boss, and all you definitely love it here. Anyway, think about it. And let me know, say how do you store for me and fuck Arnold. Cheers.

That's not nice. Yeah, I mean, thanks, probably so, but I prefer to just play offices and bosses with Ysador. Say hello to me. It says to say hello to me bosses with Ysidor. Say hello to me. Oh. It says to say hello to me. Oh. Hello Ysidor. Hello. Fuck you Arnold.

What? No, or maybe that was, I was supposed to be an action. Is that a verb? Who does? That's fuck Arnold. Hey, if you want to email me, you can email me at Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies. It's a real email address.

Here's one email I got this week. Hi, Arnie. you are the greatest. Love James Skink. Stop writing emails to yourself. I swear, I don't know if James Skink is a real person. And he's this one, so it's not me, but it's not me. All right, here's another one. Hello Arnold.

Ooh boy, someone smells a junt, but they misspelled it in a bad way, and Yusador. I have information valuable in regards to curses, dark lords, and magical dimensions. I want much to help you all in your quest. This information is time sensitive, and too valuable to send via email. In order to send this package through to you, I have set up an account with a local coin merchant to receive funds that will help with shipping through the portal.

However, my land is under revolution, and it is difficult to use money for exports. As the interim leader of my land, I am soon to lift our embargo. Please respond that you can submit 5 million coins to this merchant and I will be able to send you 10 times interest once our revolution has succeeded. We look forward to your purchase. Why wouldn't you do that? Let's- let's hop on that. Hurry up before you miss out. What's an amazing opportunity? We can deal with a lifetime.

We can help this person out, help ourselves, though. Exactly. Uh, but I don't know. It seems a little shady. Classic win-win. Ah, can you, Arnie? Yeah? Can you- I can't reach a scratch here on my left arm? Yeah, sure. Whoa! Holy shit!

Shunt! Your arm fell off! Oh my god.. Could you? Yeah, sure. Whoa, holy shit. Shunt, your arm fell off. Oh my God. Classic curse heightening. Oh my God, what? I can't clap. I can't clap you guys, I can't clap. You sure you can, just your gums delaying there. Just hit it with your hand.

Shunt's arm fell off. What do you mean, classic curse heightening? Oh, and curses get worse. Jimino's gonna whack me up here. You know what? This curse is a proceed, you know, your arm falls off or maybe your nose or maybe in a year. It's common. Hey, Jim Ellis, let me give you a hand.

Oh, yeah, man. He's already had a hand. Wow, yeah, well, I mean, he's gone so quickly from concern to prop comedy. I'm in shock. Oh, no. So this means that like we're in the end stages of this curse? Quickly from concern to prop comedy. I'm in shock. Oh no! So this means that like we're in the end stages of this curse? Yes, if you have anything to say to Chant, you should say it as soon as possible. Oh my god.

He probably has... Anyway, from... The time is three... Three weeks to five weeks to live. The time has been so ambiguous up until now and of some... I have to admit somewhat convenient way, but now it seems like we're really moving close to the end. Yes.

Yes, I'm gonna die. Chant, chant, man. Can you, can you do me a favor, man? Sure. Before you go. Yep. You let all those badges free in the South, man. Oh, absolutely.

Oh, were they not free? No, wait, are you horrible? No. Yeah, I mean, just immediately. Yeah, they're free now sir Yes, you come down south Yeah, maybe maybe maybe for a day or two. Yeah, absolutely and lead a couple of marches For Badger freedom. Absolutely. You got it hand in hand Well, well hand one hand

Shunt, you're gonna die Well, hand one hand. Shut your gun, die. And so are three pasty friends finish stumbling through that racial minefield without imploding. I for one am stunned, and now onto our credits. Imagine a fire extinguisher aimed at one of those PA systems they used for school announcements. That's the level of nuance brought to use Adore the Blue as shouted by Matt Young. John to the Badger King was played by Aval Rafaie like a scoop of vanilla ice cream slowly melting over a stack of yellowing dad boxer briefs. Jamilius the Move was played by special guest Anthony LeBlock. Anthony is a second city main stage alum and a second city resident director.

For a fun distraction, ask Anthony anything about comic books and then enjoy the sensation of decaying into a skeleton made of dust and blowing away. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Evan Jacober, Ryan DeGeorgi and Arnie Neekamp. This episode edited by Ryan DeGeorgi. Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced- oh, me did that. What a hint. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Alan LeBon, extra audio assistance by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz.

Visit us at hellofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks to the Chicago Piedcast Co-, and of course, thanks to Ear Wolf. Uh, oh, you know what? It looks like we're getting another distressed call from Kern. Hello, this is Kern from the Grousehorn Galaxy. I need your help immediately. My hydration pump crank is broken. I don't know if that's a technical term,

but it's the thing that runs around. Kern, can I enter chat? Trisha, I just, I think I just overheard, and I think like if you that's a technical term, but it's the thing that runs around. Can I enter that? Trisha, I just overheard, and I think like, if you can explain what it does, people might not know that that's what you call it. That's totally fine. Great point, Trisha. Yes, it's this little lever thing that runs around

and it usually gives air. It's like a humidifier. Yes. I think what it does is it circulates the oxygen that we take in, therefore, dissipating the carbon monoxide that we are expelling and taking that to a separate area of our chamber so that we are not then poisoned by our own carbon monoxide.

So you could, and you could explain it that way, but I think, I think a lot of people would understand that hydration pump is- No, no, they totally would. No, I'm not saying that they wouldn't. I just think like in this case more information Yes, sometimes better because then people can hear it and decide how they feel about it. Right You know, it is now down to 10% level though. So you should probably That's alarming and just if anyone's listening we're concerned that this might impact, you know, our life.

I don't want to like get alarmist. No, no, because we don't want just days ahead for us. We want years and decades, you know. We want to know. Yes. Are we only having this conversation because we're at 10%? Like, I need to know that how come we never had this conversation when we were like in the 80s or 90s How come it took us till 10%

I'm a little bad at communication. No, you're not bad at all. I think it's completely human behavior. I just want to Sometimes I feel like my own Communication crank is located, you know No. Hmm, should we keep modeling these or? Greg, do you see that light that's off? That monitors my interest level in distress calls from Kern. I wonder if our ratings will go up when Chunk dies. I'm sorry, I'm a spoke.

I wonder how much our ratings will go up when Chunk dies. Thanks.