Hello From The Magic Tavern - 69 - Halfling Bards

Episode Date: July 4, 2016

As a special treat for Chunt, I've paid for Foon's biggest band to make an appearance.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt Youngnymbee: Storm DiCostanzoGrundle: Paul SabourinBlemish: Martin WilsonMysterious Man: Tim SniffenProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Chris RathjenTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Since his death in 2009, the world has struggled with how Michael Jackson should be remembered, as the King of Pop, or as a monster. The new podcast Think Twice, Michael Jackson, offers a fresh perspective on the art and the artist, his life, his work, and his legacy. Listen to Think Twice, Michael Jackson, wherever you get your podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, a brilliant scholarship student attending Bishop Gray Academy, the and Add Free on Wondering Plus. The following podcast is not real, but it is a tiny, unloved component of the EarWolf

network. And it continues to be sponsored against all out-cries of common sense by cards against humanity. Want to send a package or gift to Arnie, Usador and Chant? Me neither. Just send it to cards against humanity, 1917arth-Eleston, Chicago, Illinois, 60642. Care of, Arnie Neekam, Vermillion-Minator, Town of Hogsface, Land of Foon. Someone at Cards Against Humanity will have the enviable task of shoving it through the portal behind the Burger King. And now, ready? Set? Pretend. Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of fun, I'm your host Arnee Nekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this was going on. A year and some number of months ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a burger king into the magical, fantastical land of fun. Luckily I'm still getting a little bit of a Wi-Fi signal from that burger king. It must be coming through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast that I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogg's face,

in the land of Foon, and I've joined as always, my best buds, my Goon Companions, my Boon Companions, my Foon Companions, Chunt, the King of the Badgers. Oh yeah, baby. How you doing, Chunt? Pretty good, I'm feeling alive, and yeah. Oh man, it's, yeah, baby. How you doing, Chant? Pretty good. I'm feeling alive and yeah Oh, man. It's yeah, just it's got to be life-changing to have a sort of near-literally life-changing. Yeah

Extended my life. Yeah, and I see you got a pack. You got yeah, I got somebody sent me a box of potions Yeah, people have been shoving things through the portal behind the Burger King and we usually do this at the end But someone's what is it? someone sent us a bunch of boxes of Final Fantasy 12 potion No, it says final fantasy and then there's an X and then that's the line and a line. Yes, and it's there. It looks like Are we gonna try these? Yeah, it appears to me to be some sort of marital aid. It does. Potion Knight. Potion Knight.

Cheers, let's see what this is made of. Yes, of course, drink something that just came through a portal. I think this is Cologne. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. All right, I'm gonna try it even though. Even I am not foolish enough to do this.

That is like Cologne. And I am not foolish enough to do this. Then there's like, Kaloah. And I am Yusudah, wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow, manipulator of magical delights, the hour of chaos, trappian of the great holes of Tarakas, the elves know me as being y'all. The dwarves know me as Zurin who's sages, and I am known in the North East as gasmwyneous meystar. And there may be other secret names you do not know yet.

And Eid and I, I'm not foolish enough to drink blue potion that is unmarked and undeciferable. Well, you know, you say you don't want to drink blue potion. All, everything on this box is in, I assume, Japanese. So this, I, we're assuming it's a drink it means nothing might not be it might be Cologne and you got cursed again no but you know you said or you said you wouldn't drink blue potion oh well I'll just make my own blue potion now what I know red potion is a health potion what

is blue potion but it's magic potion of course it's just blanket magic and just refills your magic you like feeling like feeling like, oh, God, I have enough magic. I have enough magic. Oh, yes, magic. I hate magical again. And when you're in grade school, the rumor is yellow potion makes your dick smell like. That's a rumor.

So you don't want to fill up your magic? No, thanks. I'm getting a lot of magic right now. Hard pass from you, Sadoa. Well, guys, before we bring in our guests, I have a special surprise for you guys. I just want to say, um, I know that things are a little weird and fun right now. King Albane passed away under mysterious circumstances.

Oh, you killed him. He's not that mysterious. Guys, again, look, there are a lot of people in this tavern when we talk about the fact that in To Save Chun's life, I accidentally made a deal that killed King Albane. Let's just keep that under our eyes. So you didn't know someone was gonna die? I knew someone, I knew it was an ethical choice, one that I did not take lightly,

but I thought if I'm gonna save my buddy's life, I would take it, I didn't know it was gonna kill the king. And now look at us sitting around drinking cologne. Now, Trunt, I think it's unfair to say that Arnold killed King Albey. I think it's fair to say that certain actions that Arnold took led directly to the death of King Albey. That's better put. I know I want to do something special. I'm so excited that Sean's still alive. So I asked around for something that you guys would really enjoy. I found out that your big fans of-

Of Spice Potatoes, thank you, Arnold. Yes, sir, around a Spice Potatoes. No, everyone. You said, or there's still no Spice Potatoes. The Spice embargo in Migos is still in place. I know you're really jonesing for Spice Potatoes. Really need some Spice Potatoes. It's been too long since you've had that disgusting food.

It's just a potato. Then what is your surprise? Our surprise is the barred Nimby and Grundel. What? I'm going to show my gosh, show my gosh, show my gosh. The famous band. They are here. They are where, where, where. Come in, come in guys. Oh my gosh.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Is the dream come true? This is the dream come true? It's so good to see you. Oh, it is wonderful to meet you at last. Yeah, yeah Yeah, that is to be YouTube before we started anything or any you get that the second gold we talked about Yes, yeah, okay. Yeah, I had to have I had to have nimby pimple bottom poop a lot of them You're such a good friend you are

I just gotta count this here. Just just ease up there. Yeah All right, okay, we're good. All right guys doing Yeah, excellent. We're excellent. There are more money hungry than in person that I thought that you would ever be Oh not at all not at all. We're here because money represents love sometimes and your friend loves you very much Yeah, that's very true and he's terrible at math So I am fully endorsing your counting of that money. I didn't believe that Arnie really loved me until nimby just said it. Shunt. Is it? Yes, oh yes sir. He's an intern. He's an intern. He said my name. Yeah, well was written on the piece of paper Already gave us like a corporate event. I wrote down some details about you guys some thing. Yeah, we're personalizing this for you

Yeah, for the next What is it? Twenty-three minutes was it yeah, we're going to spread our joy here? Yeah, well, you got to understand that he's kind of a pretentious prick. Oh, no, not at all. I just easy just blow up. I think you're a fine that other halves of this duo, maybe the pretentious ones. No, I'm just telling it like it is, okay? You always do and we love you. We all love you so much for that. I love you so much for that. I don't need to hear any of your BS Well, we'll see what comes out today You get a blue potion left

Sometimes That we all regret I don't know what this stuff about a year to have me to him. I think I've got a handle on this is on you I'm just going to say that. This is on you. We really got a lot of it. So, yeah, that's the stuff. All right, let's do this. So, now I'm new to Foon relatively. I've heard tales that you guys are one of the biggest bands in Foon. Like, how many?

One of the... Try the V. The V. How much the band? I mean, you've heard of Foonopalooza, I'm sure. I have heard of Funa Palooza. We own that shit. Literally own it. We have 53% of Phuna Palooza.

We get the tunic rights. They always play... Yes, yes, tunic rights. They always play last right before the changing child is taken away. Yes. Last's right. Every night. Yes, this is my favorite. Lasts rights. Every now. Yes. This is my very end. There goes the changing child off to the sky changing child. And that's all you get really. Oh, wonderful.

It's it's all a contract way. I have goosebumps. Yeah, part of the deal that I made with them is that they would only sing snippets of their songs You could need our full quote. Oh, yeah, also you're not allowed to touch them. Please do not touch me do not touch me Oh, thank you. Thank you. Can we get you something to drink or to eat there? They serve roosters feet and Pork shank and also wants to ale and don't bother We're so accustomed to the best food in the world where we come from So can I get a couple of heaps of pork shank that'll be really good. Give him pork shanks It keeps in the worst gas. I think I am I was born before you two seconds

Yes, and that's good enough in our land I am so cool to see them talk. This is the reason they broke up say 17 times. Wow Technically, it was 18 but but the one time didn't really count because I was asleep. Oh That's right. Do you got a sleeping spell put on upon you? Oh God don't remind me that pixie was the worst This is why date. This is why this happens. You understand this grondol a guy needs what a guy needs to be I know you do and the people from our land shouldn't behave such think for yourself I had a great friggin time I'm sure you that's right we haven't even time in our listeners I mean it's very obvious to

look at you our listeners may not know the you tour halflings you can use that term yes okay oh I'm is that not is that a only halflings call it's kind of a diminishing term oh we just call ourselves the people the people we are the people well my my hippie brother calls himself Sure, I prefer better in small package people sure It's just like if you know what I mean. That's a lot to say yeah Lots of say it makes the name tag a little log but now I I hate to impose much. You're good anyway, aren't you? Yes, I can tell Mr. Wizard go ahead

But you see Arnold has paid for you to come here and to play a certain snippets of your songs and I would really, really love to hear the lightning that did end, ETHREN. Oh, yes. That was one of our favorites. I don't know if it was. I never, but we'll try it.

Oh, that's one of the lightning that did end. ETHREN. Lightning. Oh, that's a wonderful lining. Did it end up? Lining. That did it, Atherin. Yes, wonderful. It was frightening. The way it ended, Atherin. Like a thunderbolt from the sky

that came from underground. And the Ather ethnicese were cooked, and they were delicious, so tasty with a bit of wine. I love my wine that comes from my land. There is no better wine. And it goes on from there. We can't get it. I got to admit the bridge of that song kind of sucks.

They were really damn stupid. I was one of my favorites. It's based on an old fable where lightning came out of the ground into the sky and then hit the town of Etheran and all the Etheran people were cooked alive. But they went delicious. So it came out of the ground. Yes. It went into the sky.

It came back down. That's right, it's our people. It's our people. The most wicked of people get punished that way. Sure. If you guys are taking requests, for the next 17 years, yeah, yeah. This is possibly for me. Yeah.

And this is a song that I had running through my head when I was thinking I was going to die. That's for us. They have a song that is like my favorite song of all time. And I said if I ever got married, I would want this song played. It's called Graveyard Love. Oh.

It's my favorite song ever, Graveyard Love. Graveyard Love. Yeah. It's called Graveyard Love. Oh! It's my favorite song ever, Graveyard Love. Graveyard Love. Yeah, it's just a really beautiful... That was written for my eighth wife, who was really lovely before she betrayed me. Oh. But I don't mind, I understand it means something to you. We really gotta work on those pre-nuptial agreements.

But... Yes. After number five, you'd think you would've wised up. But whatever. This might be a personal question. What formed did this betrayal take? Well, I was on the road at the time, and she gave away some of my lands. Oh. To me, that was the really crazy thing.

Oh, yes. The worst betrayal is one between your wife and your brother. That's correct. And I was able to get it back because he passed out, and I was able to. I kind of do that a lot. Yeah, sounds like. Very easy to cut him back out of passed out and I was able to. I kind of do that a lot. Yeah, sounds like. It's very easy to cut him back out of the wheel as well, which is the key to happiness.

Yeah, I'm excited to hear it. Maybe I'd love it. Maybe there's another oldie. I got to think about this. This is unbelievable. Do you remember how this one starts? I actually, you know what, good. If you could start it off for us, Chuck.

He's going to start. This would be pretty cool. He did pay us extra to it for you have your joy dance girl in a graveyard She was buried six feet deep I Took a shovel dug her up now. Yeah, this is pretty good and she's dancing now on my feet. You're singing more than I would have guessed. She's my graveyard love. A dead little thing, my graveyard love. Oh Wonderful Thank you for dredging up those wonderful memories. I gotta say chat

This wizard I could do without You seem pretty good. I got issues with wizards. Oh, thank you. You seem like a pretty cool No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, by any chance do you play bass loot? I do. Ah, this could just could take care of our little problem. Yeah, our bass loot is got abducted by Orcs. Oh, last week. He wasn't one of the people anyway, so I don't feel too bad, Len. That's true. So, when do people have issues with wizards? Ah.

Oh, don't get me started on this. A Yusidor, is it? Yes, yes, Yusidor the Blue. Yusidor the Blue, I don't think I've heard of you. You're of course you've heard of me. I am the Wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow Minipulate her of magical lights The wicked Eddie Bells here champion of the great holes of Tarkas the elves know me as fiend y'all You can save the name is so new fangies and I'm known in the northeast as gas-wayneous mey star

And there's so many other secret names that I have not yet revealed here I have to apologize for my brother Yes, here's some rather particular ideas about how the world is I myself have I Understand the truth of how the world He goes go ahead you're going to do it. I can't stop you. Okay. Well, I know what I get into a whole thing here But since we've opened this door You know how the king in the northeast died you know king Elbein Bellar. I know exactly door. You know how the king in the northeast died, you know, King Albaid Beller. I know exactly how he died. He's the fat man. He was a very good king. He

got the fad. He was a complete puppet. He had no choice. He goes. He was run. Oh gosh, I hate to get into this whole thing. Oh, but you're going to. I sure am because they asked and I just they deserve the truth So there's a gathering of the northeast wizard trilateral consortium the lagoon on the about the lagoon on the lagoon on the they are the people in charge of making beans control the entire economy Oh sure there's the flu monotti do you guys have any new songs? Well, I do not subscribe to this I generally find that that he undercuts his own positions. The question is who benefits. Okay, that's always the question you have to ask.

Follow the money. Follow the buddy. And the fact of the battery, it goes to the bean people, the Fluminati who are all about ride-nod logs, and then there's the alchemical council who are also just tools of the Northeast Wizard Triadal Consortium. They're putting together, okay, they get the alchemists to make these potions that they then aerosolize. They bring them up on Eagles backs, they flow them in the air, they call them alchemy trails. Do not talk about the Eagles, they are my good, good friends.

The Eagles, oh gosh, don't even get me started on the Eagles, they're tools of the bad. I'm sorry to cut you off, but I'm neutafoon, so it's so hard for me sometimes to know whether the things people are saying are logical or a little like, in this case they're not, I will say that my dear brother is not typical of the people, and he has unusual ideas,

which generally find that everyone is wonderful, so long as they stay in their little last full paradise, keep your eyes closed, very well. By my point of view of course by the sheep I mean the sheep people of the southern place Good friends of my good friends. Oh, well, I do have a song about about and you know this song It's it's so popular and famous and the one that's made us all our money by the way You have yours, and I have mine. Keep it that way.

We'll all be just fine. Sing it with me. You have yours, and I have mine. Keep it that way. It will all be just fine. Yes, that's right, very good! Very good! What does that mean?

Well, it means that the people from what it means to me is we have the most wonderful lands and other people have what they have and that's terrific and as long as we keep them separate we'll have peace and that's what the good king represented and why it's so sad that he's passed away. Oh wow, so a lot of sort of segregation No, not at all. You came through a portal. Did you not I did? Oh, yes, are there more of you? There's a lot of me. Oh, there's a lot of me and they get worse. They get a lot of work Okay, why are you assuming you're the smartest in the room? They know what they're talking about. Okay, okay, okay You know what actually let's take a quick break. Let's talk more about where you come from. I'm a little interested about this.

I'm interested in here. Are you an actual alien food? Do you represent another species of people who might like land? I do. I am a new species on food, I suppose. And oh boy, I gotta say my species. We like land. We really like land.

But I'm here, I'm just here to observe and to share my observations with the people of my world. I say a spies, what you're saying? I don't need to be a spy. I'm working for that Kiggy was talking about this burger Kig. I don't work for the burger Kig. What is that here? By accident, by accident.

Sure, that's what he wants you to think. Yes, exactly, that's what he wants you to think. Yes, exactly, that's what he wants you to think. Look, look, look, look. How deep does this rabbit hole go, guys? I can't see you for different reasons. Shut, you've been a rabbit once in a while, don't you? You know how deep this rabbit hole goes? Let's take a break and then really dig into Arnie.

Oh, no. I speak now to all those souls inside this part of casting. It is I blemish. Now that good King Belaroth is dead and chaos and war are sure to sweep across the land. Be sure to come on down to the Vermilion Minotaur for a glass of need and a whispers of secret conquest. and the whispers of secret conquest. Located on the travellers road near Mcsheenble Sheen Forest. So, Nimbi and Grundel, yes, let's talk less about me and my race as possible, invasion, hypothetically, a foon in the future.

I want to know a little bit more about you guys like what's it like? Being brothers and being in a band together being on the road is wonderful Not with him but just in general. Well, they have a song that's kind of it's a little bit about their backstory Just a little bit. Oh, it's called half and half and it's it's just a song about you know two two half wings You know you're hitting the road but it's yeah it's one of my parents would you guys play half and half is that of course we will we we hate that song we'll do it do you have any times people shout out half and half and we have like play that song that explains your backstory I hold the candle and say heaven out

we were born in a land that everyone knows as the best land in the land. And we meet ourselves into a two-person singing music band. And we went out in the places where they don't have very good music. And we kicked a lot of asses. And we took a final pass. And it's half and half and it's half for you and half for me and have except when I renegotiated the contract now I get 60% but happily you're

always drunk most of the time stop going through my pockets you son of a bitch. I swear to God, I'll cut you if you do it again with a witch. I kind of stretch that right in my Darzy. But I was right in the second half of this song. And why are you always metting with witches? Because they are the best at the Colonel arts. You certainly know what I'm talking about, right? That's right, you always fail, and that's why about right you always fail and that's why you are always drunk and that's why you would always amount to nothing in our land wonderful wonderful it's kind of get set it's kind of work out some stuff on your

stage it's honesty honesty honestly I'm most important I don't understand why people love that song so not at, but you like it. Now let's get back to Arnold and his invasion of food. I'm very interested in this discussion. Please tell us. Now, what you'd need to understand is he not really an alien. He is a human or as you know him, a double-ling. Yes.

And I think by this eyes of him, I think he might be a tripling. Good one, Chad. Thank you. Yeah, nailed it. These guys are so supportive. Thank you. Thank you. That's correct. Just we dig Yeah, it nailed it. These guys are so supportive. Thank you. Thank you. That's great.

We did you, man. You should. You guys, oh my gosh, since you guys are being so nice, I hate to put you on the spot. I have a restaurant called Chuchu's Chow. No, I've been looking. We used to do it on I own it. We've been looking for some sort of like jingle or some sort of song to get people in the door.

It's just Chuchu's Chow. So any song that you have. Hold on, nearly. This would cost you daily. Oh, it's just Chuchu's child. So any song that you have. Well, originally this would cost you daily. On the pan, pan, money. Ah, okay. This is all the rest of the money I've gotten from Funcite sponsors. Oh, that would buy several, several hectares.

This will give you about 17 seconds. Oh my god, this is worth it, right? So Chuchu's child, yes? Chuchu's child, yeahoo-choo's, Chow, yes. Choo-choo's, Chow. Choo-choo's, Chow. Choo-choo's, Chow. Choo-choo, you are wondering around the land of food.

And you are feeling a kiss for some badger food. And I want to go a place where Jews are to loud. Try Choo-choo's, Chow. No Choo's allowed. Choo-choo's not allowed. I wanna go a place where Jews are to loud try to choose Ciao, no choose allowed. He always does this. Let's just go with song. Let's just go with song. No, let's not.

Shunt, I know you're really supportive of your favorite band, but you don't want a jingle that talks about they're not being Jews on your hands, I like Jews, but if they're gonna write a song for me, let's just let it slide. In fact, the bad is, they're in with the trilateral council. Yeah, he goes again, you have 17 seconds.

It's a lot of use. I don't use that anyway, you like. You know, I know it's never good to engage with the conspiracy theorist, but what is the trilateral council in thing? The trilateral council. It's a work of fiction. You know what?

I've done the research, I've been on the underweb, and I know these things. You go right ahead. The underweb is the spider people under the ground Capture everyone secrets as they whisper them into the ground at the floor of their huffles Yeah, they capture them there They gather them and those of us in the no call it this information Just go down there and just kind of browse what percentage of the underweb is porn a surprise look about

Action really surprised about but anyway the trilateral commission is gathering of the 14 most powerful wizards in the land of food. Why would I hear them? You said to all, please tell him this is a complete work of fiction. It's rotting his brain along with the belief. If there was such a committee that did meet, I would of course be there. All I know is I've seen the attendance sheets and I've seen them in it, so I've never seen your day about any of the goddamn wizards. This is a perfect segue for a jamming song

called Wizard's Suck. Oh Wizard's Suck. I didn't want to write this. It's sort of an ironic piece. I kind of took the lead on doing this one. Not my favorite. The land is undissied from various conspiracies and killing our leash. And the people in charge of all of this evil are the wizards of the northeast wizard, trilateral consortium, run by the Jews. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no little subtle it's like in the studio we can do magical things where we can kind of make it sound swirly and such because it makes me dance yeah no I get it like I love Elvis Kustel I'm listening to Oliver's Army and I'm like whoa wait what was that word okay hold on keep me this isn't it never it has an army it's I don't want to talk about it oh is this the invading army that you're gonna be sending the king tell you to scout for the army no look if they do come they'll say, look,

Aller's army is here to stay, but it's not a- And what's the attraction of having a- That's rather catchy, I'm going to use that, I think. Yeah, you would. Oh, you know what? Now, since I'm paying for all of this, since I spent literally all the money that I have- Yes, you have three minutes left. Which I'm sure will be fine because I-

Because- It's a sponsor's, we'll just keep coming forever. Right? Okay. After this episode, I cannot be sure of that. Ah! Do we have time for two more songs? because it's a sponsor's we'll just keep coming forever. Right? Okay. After this episode, I cannot be sure of that. Do we have time for two more songs? I think we can manage that.

Right. I would just like to request a song. It seems like you have such a huge back catalog. I must imagine you have a song. It's legendary, yes. I must imagine you have a song that includes a unicorn, a goblin, leprechaun, and... You better say zero juice. And zero juice.

And zero juice. And zero juice. And zero juice. And zero juice. And zero juice. Hold that I got to remember the lyrics of this one. This is one of the way deep back can. Sure. Back can.

Sure. La-di-da, a unicorn, This is one another way deep back Sure, sure And he said I hope that neither of you are That's not the leader No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, You know, we're almost out of time that you're contractually supposed to be here. Are you give me a couple extra minutes for Chuck? Oh, man, Chuck, you're welcome. Oh, yes. Everybody just loves you. We have yet to meet someone. Everyone by you.

Love you, Chuck. Getting, love you. We're gonna figure out what's going on with you in a someday. What would you like to him, Mr. Ony? I'm just curious. I feel like Chuck is too shy to ask this, but if you meet a cool band that you love, you want to hear something before anybody else Are you guys working on any new songs? We are always working on new songs. Yeah

The despite the fact that he carried no actual power. He was a tool of the conspiracy That's not true. It's all he's a nobel and righteous man who left us alone regardless We're not dubbies that we're gonna capitalize on the whole Boarding for for cake belleroth the North East Yeah, but we have a bit of a tribute song if you're interested Yeah, this is a food premiere this right here. Yes, oh wonderful. Thank you It really speaks to the love of the people and the other people This one goes out to shut oh my god

That's one song. Sweet, sweet King, King Elbein, Beloroth, dead before your time. Why did you have to go? All our dreams, all our plans and hopes and dreams wrapped up in your fate We miss you mighty king Though we know nobody was to blame If there were, we'd hate to be them Cause if we found the one responsible

We'd kick his teeth in, and eat their skin And beat them with their own arm Probably spew them to the liver and cook it and set their insides on fire and violate their course And violate their Oh My god, Arnie did it Arnie did it. Oh, yes, I made you dreams come you did it buddy. Yeah, you made my dream come true Thank you. I'm going to be humming that all week Well, Nimby and Grondel. Thank you so much for being here I know I paid you a lot of money to be here, but I still appreciate it

We would have been here if you've even if you'd paid us half that amount. Oh, well that's good to know now. Brother does not speak for the organization door for me. You guys are amazing. I mean, you murdered it. You murdered it the same way Arnie helped me out. Yes, yes. You know, as always, you can email the show if you email me at MagicTaver and at puppies.supplies.

It's a real email address. We've found a little bit behind on our emails. But here's one I got recently. It says, classifications of giant slash basketball. Hey guys, I'm a 6'10 college basketball player, and I had a couple questions. One, I've had many people call me a giant throughout my life, so I was wondering if there is a certain height you have to reach to be considered a giant, or if they are completely separate race from humans. 2. I know Mittens is a big game in Fune. I was curious if there was a game similar to basketball. And if there is how popular it is in comparison to Mittens, you're truly neb the possible giant

Ben Lammer. That name sounds familiar. By the way, all- all- all- all- Bittens games are rigged in Fune. The Mittens games. The Minnes games are rigged. They're rigged by the North-Earthly Wizard, trilateral consortium. It ordered to keep the people d'assil. It's all fake. I'm starting to come around to that. Yeah, we do have basketball. I'm the Homemokyloos friend loves to play basketball. Oh, yeah, that's right. I'm on a basket. Yeah. Well, so what's the what is the the cutoffoff for being a giant like our giant's a race? If I were to stand on your head you'd be a giant. Oh wow. Of course they're a race the people are race humans are race Or as the people know them double-ings. Yes, and then giants your third race the quadlings all of them can

Mingle with inner meeting. Oh, they shouldn't but they do theion After concerts I yeah I went to a giant ladies So you're really into her house there a whole lot of what you know what I am into anything that's in front of me in the moment and it's shameful I live life to the fullest so many of those Rooster feet I have a letter here. This came actually with the potions. I'm just seeing it here This says deer Arnie Chunt and you TV. Yeah, you know me. Oh, you said over the blue I've been very worried about our dear friend Chunt and his ever progressing evil enchantment. That's gone Maybe last week I heard Chunt speak about his final fantasy 7 and I remembered hey

I have some leftover potions from one out one of my quests So these were collected over a decade ago I hope they retain some of their magical properties and this is from Greg. Well, thank you Greg They look really they look the bottles are cool. I'll put my maybe I'll put my one sperm in here Oh, it's good idea. Yeah, I'll just what then I will definitely never drink from these again just to be safe I do received a package here. It says Amazon prime on it I'm using my great wizards strength open it, and inside there is... Very little, it's a big box.

Let's see, there's a long piece of wood. It's an arm. It is bent at one end. It's a stick arm. It's a back scratcher, but I think it's maybe meant for chunt. It's a better stick arm for chunt after he lost his arm. Oh, how nice! Upgrade to your stick arm, but you have your real arm back now. Now just use that to scratch my itchies.

Yeah, well in that case, in case your arm ever falls off again, you'll have a better stick arm. It's only a matter of time before you lose another arm. I'm guessing. We got a package from a Halley Farward. Hi Chant, I'm Halley, a human female from Earth. I was devastated here about your curse, and I'm sending a Care Package. A dabbling. Please enjoy this assortment of Earth candies, which includes some stickers. Oh wow! Holy cow, that's a great assortment! Let's see what we have to do.

Those are just like the mushroom travels we have back home. Mushroom travels? Yeah, we always ask for a bowl of mushroom travels back stage before every concert. We have the takeout the adjanted ones. If they haven't taken the adjanted ones out, then we know that we have to go through the whole setup. Yeah, absolutely. What did you mean you were in this as fun-size? That means it's a disappointingly small.

There was a movement for a while to call Halflings fun-size, but we voted it down. Yeah, no, we had the king execute those people. Oh, wow. Boy, you know, I have to say, I always thought the halflings is being kind of just sort of nice. We are, we're the nicest people in the world.

Everybody can be wonderful how they are, separately. It is miserable and I hope to. I never have more fun than when I get on my car and I visit a halfling town and I have a big feast with them and maybe I do some fire over for them. Yes, really a blast. It is delightful when you go away after.

And then I go, wasn't that fun for you? Goodbye forever. Maybe I'll be back. Maybe I won't. And then you go on an unexpected journey. No, it couldn't be. Yes, very true. All right, one more email here.

This is, says, my name is Steven and I'll be honest, I really want to send you guys a PlayStation with some of the games Arnie has helped make So he can show Yusudor and Chant that he really did used to be good at his job That's right back on earth. I worked for a company called Jackbox Games I can only imagine they have new games coming out sometimes soon That you should buy if they still exist The PlayStation however is too big to fit through the portal behind the Burger King I just got through trying my dilemma is there is a daycare fit through the portal behind the burger king. I just got through trying.

My dilemma is there is a daycare just down the road Arnie. Do you think showing your boon companion some cool games is worth a few scoops of Render Child Fat? Oh my god. If you want me to proceed, I may be able to prove Jeff Goldblum right and show that life finds a way. Don't worry, Sean, Earth people are loving it. Guys, I-I-I-is awesome as it would be for us to play some video games say this anymore clearly or obviously do not murder children

I'm coming down hard on this and I'm taking a stand. I've never seen you said or so Adam. Yeah, do not murder children To give us games that is true. What what do you have back home in the mysterious land of? What is it earth? Yeah, we have do have a lot of land We we have a lot of land, but we've used almost all of it. I see so let's say I'm for you. Do you have walls do you have walls in your land? We do have walls? Do they keep people away from other lands? You know what? Basically, they they give you a false sense of confidence that maybe you're keeping people from other lands out,

but they don't really. They're mostly just like a huge hassle to maintain. I don't think so. I think that might be our solution here, this portal. So, you want a wall up in front of the portal? Absolutely, don't you want to keep your lands? Well, I just have a little hovel on top of a hill. You should keep that from whence your power and your joy and your love comes.

Oh, I suppose I do want to protect you. Yes, you do! Absolutely you do. I said oh no again that I want to protect every man, woman and child and food and if earth has become some threats then yeah, I shall take up sword and Staff and fight them with all my mind. You said all you all a good man. Oh Talk about already a tip like a minute and a half for them to turn this simple to wizard here to his to his will to the dark halfling Doc that's a really bad Stephen King reference Is this another king that you're working for oh?

Is he higher than the burger king? Higher at times in his life. I think he's I think he's gotten clear of that though Would you guys mind Playing us out? Sure, what would you like to hear do you have any favorites Mr. Chuck? Do you have any you talk a lot about the wall and about the wall? Do you have any songs about the wall? We have a whole Sugg cycle called, there'd be a Gruddles the Wall. Oh wow. Yes, from our old man, Frank Toid. It starts like that, and as you remember, this is a a 22nd gap because it builds the suspense when they were Frank Dory

They had a song about use the doors. It was like hey you so door. Oh, yeah, I remember. Oh, I love that song Yes, I love you. I never made the connection. I apologize There's a wall Lingers above us all You're the call the call of the impenturable wall The wall is tall, and it's not small Though we are small, by you and me You and I

Don't let it go, I'm trying to come back again You are In-sufferable With your conspire say theory I think I hate you more than you That's all I got, thank you so much guys Thank you so much, I was so excited to learn about the dark side of the food Say everybody else away Who would have thought so much imaginary fun could be crammed into an audiophile?

What a wonderful year venture we've all had. Usadolu Wizard was played with effortful grace by Matt Young. Shut the King of the Badgers was played by Abel Refy in a performance of paralleled skill. Musical duo Nimbian Grundle were played by Paul Suchborin and Storm Dekostanzo, who happened to be real-life musical duo Paul and Storm. You can find their music at Paul and Storm.com and on Twitter at Paul and Storm. They also co-produced the Jococruz, an annual week-long cruise full of comedy, music, gaming,

and general nerdery. Hosted by singer-songwriter Jonathan Coolton, see Jococruz.com for full details. Blemish was played by Martin Wilson, who by now I am convinced simply has nowhere else to go. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Ryan DeGeorgie, Evan Jacober, and Arnie Neacamp. This episode, edited by Chris Rathjim, production assistants from Garrett Shultz. Want to see hello from the Magic Tavern live?

It's not much different, but it seems to keep happening. There are live shows coming to Chicago in July and August. You can get more info by going to HelloFromTheMagicTavron.com and clicking on the link upcoming live shows. Thanks as always to the Chicago Podcast Co-op and Earwolf. If you've made it all the way to the end of this podcast, you deserve a naughty secret. I have a small patch of scaly skin behind my left ear that always smells of marinara sauce. Mull over that for the rest of your life.