Hello From The Magic Tavern - 70 - Goblin Queen

Episode Date: July 11, 2016

It's goblin day at the Minotaur again and we're joined by the Goblin Queen herself! She's very approachable!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungFibro Myalgia, the Goblin Queen: Kelsey KinneyAlabaster Camerdan: Tommy MarangesMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Ryan DiGiorgiTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Earwolf Network, and it's sponsored by Cards Against Humanity. If you want to send a care package to the world of Foon, the easiest way is to send it to Cards Against Humanity, 1917 North Elston, Chicago, Illinois, 60642, care of Arnie Neekam, Vermillion Minotaur, Town of Hogsface, Land of Foom. And then the cards people will get it to them somehow. Maybe send them a guide about how to have a multiple episode arc that doesn't feel like an active artistically bankrupt

desperation, or a muffin. Enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon, I'm your host Arne E. Camp, and I usually do the intro part, but Charn, why don't you do it today? About a year and some change ago, this guy, one of my best friends, fell through a magical portal. Per? Fuck you dude.

Fell behind a magical portal, behind a Burger King. Per? Fuck you dude. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haover. I was out with my insane crampossy baby. Oh, yeah, bedbodies. That's right. So Chant, you are the king of the badgers. And you started hanging out with some of the other animal kings. Hang out with the king of the horses. I hang out with the king of the ottermen.

And we call ourselves the insane crampossy. Because we're all the three kings, baby. Three kings, are we? Yeah. You just cause trouble around Hogs face, it seems like. Yeah, with bad boys. You know what, you just had a near death experience, so if you just need to kind of let off some steam, I get it. Totally. Thank you.

We're also joined by our dare I say it more responsible, co-host. I am Yusador, an over five dozen weeks ago, Arnold fell through a magical portal behind the burger potent Tate's castle and then was transported Into the land of Foon. I an airy day though he is surrounded by danger and evil and dark evil dealings He doth contend and insists that he's send Mrs. Bacti's homeworld of Earth where perhaps his sweet baby, daughter and wife may hear him and be returned into his arms someday. Now that's an intro. Yeah, but you said, or, hey, Ben, buddy,

you haven't been around much, is it? Oh, yes, very busy. You said, or is a wizard for new listeners? Yes, it's traveling all over Foon, gathering bits of information, uncovering lost rooms within deep, dusty libraries. and all over Foon gathering bits of information, uncovering lost rooms within deep, dusty libraries. I and I, I bought a bed and breakfast for a week and two. You bought a bed and breakfast?

I know, I bought a room and a room. Oh, room, I was hoping. You know, I was talking to Jen leave you. I'm like, if feel, not busy. You should just stop by the bread and back, Kristen, we'll have a nice weekend together. You're in a long distance relationship with the wizard Jen Levy, huh?

Yes, she and I meet on the astral plane where we do some astral flight. So long distance dating, yes. And you know, she's often dismissive towards me, but I think she's coming round. I so I did go there and she did come. She joined me at the at the what? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? Nothing. Just having some fun. Bed boys. She did arrive. How many times did she arrive? She arrived at the bed in breakfast.

Three times in a row. One how? One stupid appeared. You sure one wasn't like a fake arrival Well once she appeared as a unicorn and I was like oh, Jen leave you I believe that's you and she transformed herself flew into the sky Return to the earth as a phoenix was burned into dust and not and then took her normal human form Wow, that's the entrance. It's like lightning shooting out of the ground into the sky and then back down to it. It's a lot like that. Wow, so I'm so excited! You saw you finally had your romantic weekend with Jen Levy. Yes, we had a romantic weekend together and then early Sunday morning we knew the weekend was coming to an end.

And I went and I did throw some water on my face from the water basin and when I did return to the other room Genleivia was gone and all that was left behind was a rack of ribs. She'd been a rack of ribs the whole time. I don't know where she was. She fooled me again! She is such an amazing wizard! I don't understand. She clearly sent her rack of ribs in her place, disguised it as her, and I spent a weekend with her rack of ribs! Oh, okay. How are you feeling about that?

Well, I had a good time. Hey, that's good! You had a good time. It's important to focus on that. Next, it'll be my turn to pull a prank on her. Oh, I'm excited to hear about it. You got anything cooking? Oh, I will. No, I am going to bite my time until I know exactly how I trick her next. I, for this, is the way that wizards do court one another,

by impressing each other with more and more impressive tricks. Sure. Yeah. You get your baby back. I will get my baby back. Get your baby back baby back baby back baby back. Baby back. He said. Oh, he turned into ribs ribs. My week, thank you for asking guys. I was really good. I've been continuing to try to get the lunar sword getting a little bit deeper into the dungeon.

Things are getting a little harder. lots of stalagtites. I always get them confused, which ones stalagtites hang down, right? stalagtites hold tight to the ceiling. Yeah, so the stalagtites, the stalagmites might reach the ceiling. Yeah, there's a lot of parts of the dungeon where stalagtites fall, but they fall sort of like, you can track when they're gonna fall. But once they fall, they're down on the ground. Yes, but then there's another one right after it.

What? Then take years to form. I know, but they're just constantly falling. And then I come back and you know what, the same ones are back and they falling. No, that's not how geology works. So you're still looking for the lunar sword. Do you have spinning your wheels on earth?

Yes, we do. But I'm getting, look, I'm getting deeper into the dungeon. I feel like I'm just about to get past the boring stuff. Have you noticed that most of the things you've encountered aren't even another person, but just some part of the environment that you steam afraid of? Yeah.

Speaking of getting past the boring stuff, who's our guest today? That's a good question. Hey, guys, this is exciting. You know, I know it's been a weird time in Fune. There's a lot of sort of political upheaval and so I thought it would be good to talk to another bit of royalty besides you,

King of the Badgers. Thank you. I work in a talk to the Queen of the Goblins. Ooh. Yes, hello. Hi, I'm the Goblin Queen. My name is Fibro Myalgia. Fibro Myalgia. Yes. The Goblin Queen. Well, yeah,romyalgia fibromyalgia the goblin queen

Well, yeah, some call me a queen some call me a shrew, you know, oh, wow rose by any other name What's it like being queen of the goblins? I got to tell you it's rough. I don't I don't come to taverns You know every day, but this week has been especially difficult for me. Yes You're lucky. This is the day of the week that God ones are allowed inside the vermilion Minotaur. It's it's not it's not a nice thing that they're only allowed in one day out of the week Well, it's kind of my fuck you to the system. You know to just show up on the one day where they allow us there It's like yeah, I'll be there and that's you're fucking my hoard. Yeah, that's your fucking system I'm coming I'm coming on the day. I am allowed it

It's well known throughout the land that the goblin queen gives zero fucks give zero fucks that is true Yes, wow, I started that phrase giving zero fucks Giving zero no one had said that before me. Wow. Yes before that have been like, ah, boy I give about three fucks. Yeah, well that's what fibromyalgia does to you, you know, you start to give a ton of fucks after a while. Sure. A fibromyalgia. I feel like I'm focusing too much on the fucks. No, no, no.

No, no, this podcast should be called focusing on the fucks. I just like that you can't, you undersold the number of fucks, it's like name that tune of fucks. I can give zero fucks. It's like name that tuna fucks. I can give zero fucks but whole weekly What see you by the name for the podcast Weekly but how is weekly spelled? Okay, I see fiber. Oh, may I call you fiber? Yes. Why not everyone does your majesty? I everyone does. Your majesty, I just wanted as a queen of the goblins, surely you have some sway to come to peace with the elves.

The main reason that there is a spell over this tavern that does keep goblins out is that elves and goblins tend to not get along, which I do not agree with, but I Could you could broke a some piece between goblins and elves? I mean I would I would be the first one at that that piece treaty signing. I have to tell you that you said oh It's not the goblins. That's wonderful news. It's not the goblins. It's the elves. It's the elves They're up a tea. You know, they just have this added. Are you glad you not saying that about us I said fuck several times that's true that is true but they are they're just they're so kind of sending and they think there's so much better than everyone and you know that might be true they might be better than us but they don't need to rub it in our face just because they're beautiful race with an amazing poetic language

doesn't mean they're any better than you or will monsters that live undergar. Exactly, exactly. I will admit that elves can come off a bit hot-y at times, but if I can help broker this piece, I would be glad to. May I take your words, your sweetened kind words, back to Heliconteth. The... Heliconteth?

Heliconteth. Helaconteth. Helaconteth. Yes. So the King of the Elves. Oh, wow. How do you spell that? H-E-L-A-Poster-V-L-L-A-C-A-N-A-Poster-V-T-H-A-Poster-V-E-T-H-N-T-H. Oh, wow. You've never entered a contest?

Uh, you sort of... I would love it if you could get it in touch with Helicatuntheth and tell him you know that we need to end this feud It's meaningless. That is good news You said or is an ally of the Goblins if I remember correctly. He hates the orcs though. Oh, I hate oh Well, who doesn't I mean you have to draw line somewhere. Right. Yes, absolutely You said or what are the goblins know us? The goblins know me is chilling Right, that's correct. Jell and gang gang gang. Yeah, so checks out so your majesty

You said you know, I don't call me your majesty It's just I don't even deserve that title. They should have gone to my older sister I shouldn't even be just anyway. I'm what happened? How did you how did you come to power? Well my older sister and Seffali was supposed to take over You know the lineage she was supposed to wear the crown on her dainty, you know deformed skull and she She couldn't do it because literally the crown was just too heavy and her skull was too weak Oh, what like when they put it did they try to put it on? They, oh, they put it on and it went right down.

I'll tell you, it was something to see. Oh. But, uh, she survived. Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm so sorry. You know, that's okay because I don't know, little, little, no, in fact, goblins can actually be brought back to life. Oh, yes. I never knew that.

That is true. So we did bring her back to life and Oh, yes. I never knew that. That is true. So we did bring her back to life. And she, oh, she begged us. She begged us. She's like, please put me out of my misery. Stop bringing me back to life. I'm so unhappy. And we just kept bringing her back and bringing her back.

And she just never was the same after that, you know? So I took over as the queen. Yes. So, but you don't feel I took over as a queen. Yes, yes. So, but you don't feel like you're a good queen? I just don't really know what I'm doing out there, you know, I feel like. I appreciate your honesty. I could be a school teacher.

I could do so many other things, you know. I love children. I've had them twice. I've eaten kids on separate occasions, and I've enjoyed it. but it's so much child death I so much child death and also not enough at the same time It's so interesting, but it's like you're sad about it, but also you're hungry Yeah, I know just since I have you here queen

There's a there's a guy. There's a thing that lives in Fune, his name's The Granche, and I don't know what he is. He's kind of this green guy, he's kind of hairy. Yeah. He's a mean thing. Does he have a name? The Granche. Just the Granche. Yeah. Have you seen him? Uh, no. Well, I think I've seen two different things that I think might be The Granche.

I'm curious which way it's going, which one it is. I'm just curious if he is a goblin or what he is, because he sounds like a looker to me. I mean green and covered in hair. But his heart is like the size of like a pea. Yeah, that's true. I'm looking for an a man most of the time. Yeah, just a pea-sized heart, pea-sized brain and a pea-sized pea if you know what I'm talking about. Really? It's like all small. All small all the time. I'm into that. I'm into mini the time I'm into that I'm in miniatures I have a collection at home yeah a collection of miniatures I do I have a miniature thune actually set out wow you know you're Nick thune yeah a Nick thune in fune uh in a monsoon

it's the setting I have going on right now, but I switch it up. Wow. You know, one I got here, one of the things that was in my camera was a Nick Foon stand-up album, and it seems to become really popular in Foon. Why do you think he's caught on and you haven't? It's a good question. It's a good question. I won't be appreciated until after I'm dead. You said, or would you mind giving the queen a gift, maybe a miniature, to add to her collection? Do you have a horse?

Why would love that? I don't have a horse. It's so weird because I have all the food and there are no horses in the entire city, so I would love a horse. Ah, but, Karth, Teren, Tess! Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, for you. And a monocle. I love that. Look at that. One of his legs is already broken. So I can just take him right out back to skip all the good stuff. Oh no. So Fiber, you said that this was a specifically hard week. Was there anything extra rough going on? Well, I, uh, I've been trying to get

a degree at night, you know, just while I'm not ruling the underground hordes and it hasn't been going well. I haven't told anyone this yet, but I actually didn't get accepted to University of the Phoenix and I don't know, I don't know what else to do. You know, I kind of feel like I've hit rock bottom. Shouldn't they just let you, I mean, you're a queen. Like you said, or you have some connections there? Oh, yes, of course I do. I can put in a good word there if you'd like.

I just don't wanna get it that way. You know what I mean? I wanna earn it. Yeah, I wanna get in there with my own grimy little hands and just tear it up myself. Sure. Sure. I wanna learn about socioeconomics, a micro level because once again,

that's small stuff that gives me, you know. Sure. Absolutely. You know what? Let's actually, let's take a quick, let's take a quick break and refresh our drinks. What do you want to drink, by the way? Oh, I would love just a pint of ale. I'm trying to be, you know, just one of the guys. One of the guys. All right. What do you want, Yusudah? I'll have a mead. And, uh, Trent, what do you want? Kings juice. Great, I'm gonna have a red potion. I know I was taking everyone's orders,

but I don't have any money. I spent all my money last week. Hi there. I'm Alibaster Camardan. Of Alibaster Camardan's adult coffins for adults. You might be wondering, what is an adult coffin. It's not a sex thing. Why do people ask that all the time? We specialize in coffins for humans, adult-sized humans.

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in a child-sized coffin. They really crammed him in there. So come on down to Alibaster Camardin's adult coffins for adults for a free consultation and find out about the alternatives to manually dismembering your loved ones and spreading them out across several burial plots. Alright, great. You know, I gotta say, I feel really refreshed. I love this red potion several burial plots. All right, great. Whew. You know, I got to say, I feel really refreshed. I love this red potion.

I've started taking it. Since I've been doing my dungeonering to the lunar sword is exhausting. So this red potion really picks you up. Ah, yes, yes. It's delicious stuff. Really a good picker up. Is anyone else need something to eat?

I brought up some pork shanks for the table You seem are you alright? You said are you sin bummed? Pork shanks remind me Rips rips. Oh How I do love gin leave you. What did you do with those ribs? Everything Do you smoke them? You put a rub you better believe it baby Do you smoke him? You put a rub.

You better believe it, baby. I mean, after. I mean, after you discovered they were ribs. Oh, I ate them. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, that would not be my choice. All right. Wait, come on.

Different strokes or different views. If you come into your room and you see a pile of ribs. You would eat a rack of ribs. Come on, be sure. Absolutely. I would eat a rack of ribs, but not one that I just spent a week and having intercourse with. Watch. Oh, right. I would eat a rack of rinsed, but not one that I just spent a week and having intercourse with. What?

Oh, right. Yes, I did. No, no, yeah, I forgot. I just think it's beautiful you found love. Yeah. Thank you so much. What about yourself? Yeah, bro. Do you have love in your life? Oh, gosh.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No goblin princes that sit by you on the throne? You know, in my day there were one or two suitors that maybe came knocking upon the old metal slab against the cave door, but not anymore. No, no, no. Is that a euphemism? But keep going. No, no, no, I would never call my area cave, you know, even though I do like to keep it still at tight.

Oh, well, well, well. But it's always back. I will say though, I'm open to looking for the possibility of finding maybe pursuing love. Oh, what's like a perfect date for you? Something simple, you know what I mean? Like maybe go watch someone get em bombed or flayed or, you know, quartered and drawn or drawn and quartered rather you know anything like that I'm very simple tastes and

then just you know maybe back home to have very loud sex so my parents can hear sure yeah oh I have so many follow-up questions oh please first of all I just a comment I've got to say it's great for a first date you don't want to put too much pressure on it go and watch a horrible torture So you don't have to be talking the whole time exactly. Yeah, and then afterwards you can share your thoughts on how you Exactly, you're like oh, that was not the best torture, but you know, I'm glad we saw it together Yeah, let's talk about this the cannon of this torturers, you know work. Yeah, exactly You can tell so much about how someone will raise a future goblin child with you by what they think of how someone tortured someone.

Sure. And there's no, I mean, I do, I'm personally not a fan of torture, but I have to imagine that seeing a torture with a big crowd makes it more benefit. Oh, it's a different experience. Yeah, you got to be on the floor, get the blood in your face. If you're not a fan of torture, why do you keep making this fun? I saw that. When you come. But going back to my other question, your parents, you mentioned your parents a couple times. So you're queen of the goblins,

but your parents are still alive. I guess I don't really know how royalty in the goblin society works. Yes, it's quite confusing. The lineage is actually not through your parents. It is through your aunts and uncles. So it's kind of like a lateral like L or 7 move like a Toronto chess board if you were a knight. That's how you become the queen or king. Oh, do they have chess on Earth? They do. Which it sounds like at least

a moderately similar game. Yes, you know, knights moving in L as fibro just described and then bishops move on the diagonal and The king can only move one space the queen can go wherever she wants and then the rooks They just move up and down and the pawns there are pawns on the furrow and the pawns They can move one space at a time and they can move over and take someone and then if they get to the other end They set the whole board on fire. Oh, wow. And of course, the whole thing is played.

Of course, I'm sure it's like this on Earth and just an open man's chest cavity. Oh. So you just play right on the chest. Open Michael hosts a lot of games. Oh, wow. So he opens his chest and you play it. You play chest.

Yeah. Oh, it's chest. Yes. Oh, I've been pronouncing it wrong. Oh, the tea's silent. Yeah, the tea is silent. You don't pronounce the tea. I see. Okay, I have one more question's chest. Oh, I've been pronouncing it wrong. Oh, the tea silent. Yeah, the tea is we don't pronounce the tea I see okay. I have one more question about chess is

What's a bishop in Finn? There's a there's a type of person that's an artificial person It's just an artificial person and you you run into them very rarely But they they look sort of normal, but they're sort of stiff and there's a little bit weird, and you're like, what's up with that guy? Wow. You're not looking good homes. Yes, exactly. Your aunt or your interuncle died. Yes, yes.

You became queen. My aunt died. I became queen. I took over after, incephaly, course. Yeah, but it takes the pressure. It takes the pressure off of you to have kids as royalty then right it does But it puts the pressure back on my poor deformed sister to have children. You know if I have to get out of this You know she's gonna need to pop out a few puppies. Yeah, yeah now fibro. Yes, I I don't mean to put any pressure on you, but there has recently been a death amongst the royals

of food. And would you ever consider marrying outside of the goblin realm? I knew this was coming. To form some sort of alliance with another kingdom. Use the royals on just like my mother. I don't mean to put any pressure. Just curious. No, no, no, I have thought about it and you know, I'm sorry. First of all, I don't mean to put any pressure. I just, just curious. No, no, no. I have thought about it. And, you know, I guess it's hard to let someone into your cave. And no, I'm not talking about that.

Not even. Not even. You know, into your home, into your heart. And it's hard to do that. This might seem obvious to me. But if you were to marry someone outside of the government, why would they come live with you? Why wouldn't you just go live with them? Why would they go to your outside of the governor, why would they come live with you? Why wouldn't you just go live with them? Why would they go to your cave? I mean,

I would never... It's gross in there. I would never move out from underground. Never, ever? No, never, ever. Where would I get tin and aluminum and palladium just at a moment's notice? She's got a point. You could have people bring it to you. You could just stockpile it

No, no, no, I'm a I'm a doer not a Delegator. Do you do a lot of your own mining? I do I still mine. I still mine every day That's impressive. That's noble, but you know what like I If you're gonna lead you got to learn to delegate. That's an important part. I know I just don't I don't I It all comes down to me just not believing in myself. I know. I just don't, I don't, it all comes down to me just not believing in myself. You know, I need to either just step up to the plate or go home and buy a plate.

Hold on, I'll be right back. Oh, you start. You should believe in yourself. You're great. Here, hi-fi, bro. I'll be, I've never hi-fi-fi-fi-fi-fi-fi-fi-fi-fi-fi-fi-fi. If you did believe in yourself, what would you do? What would you like to accomplish for the goblins

that you feel like you're incapable of accomplishing for the goblins? I just feel like goblins don't get a fair shake. You know, people see us and they're like, oh, they're hideous and they're just so slimy and gross looking. But there's so much more, like, awfulness inside of us that no one even ever gets a chance to see.

You're tired of them focusing on the surface. Yeah. A rosiness. Yeah, we have just like terrible, terrible things going on all over. You know, hearts and our brains, not just on our skin. Not in our boils, our pus fields. Yeah. Just terrible like ready to pop boils. Yeah, speaking of which, here's an afghan.

Okay, thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'm so sorry about that. Ah, ah, ah, consider. Fibromyalgia. Queen of the goblin hordes of the underground. I grant unto thee this rock of confidence. Wow.

When air thou disthold this rock in thy hand, thou shalt feel a surge of confidence like you have never felt before. Oh my goodness. Oh my, a man has told me this before but I've never really felt that way when I touched his rocks in the end. I feel different, I do. I can feel it working. Oh good, good Arnold, this rock is total BS. Oh my God, I feel so much more confident I could do anything!

Wow! All the other rocks are real though. I'm going to... I'm going to usurp the throne. You know what, yes. What? Phoon does need a leader that knows what's going on, and the goblins have been living underground in the shadows for too long.

I am going to take over Phoon. With my hordes and with our pillaging and our murdering we will turn food into a world of waste. So if I'm hearing you right you're saying that since the king of the North is dead there's a bit of a power vacuum. It might be a good time for your underground hordes to rise up and take over all of them. I think you're hearing me exactly right, Arnie. Can I see that rocky end just real quick? No, no, no, no. I believe this stays within my palm.

OK. So until the end of my life, and then when I'm brought back to life, I'll put it back in my palm, and then when I'm brought back to life after that time, I'll put it back in my palm. How many times does a goblin, like, do goblins ever, if they keep coming back? Do they ever, is there ever like a cutoff point

where it's like, that's enough of that goblins? It feels like there should be like a term limit on it. You know what I mean? It's sort of a thing there's not. There used to be 12 regenerations and then they just thought, well, yeah, because you're like, well, why are we living in?

Well, we're never gonna get to 12. What an arbitrary number. I think they changed it, it was 12 and then they're like, well, they made the Bakers dozen 13, so we'll pop it up one more. And then it was just, it felt so silly. It was silly, exactly, exactly. And then when it got expanded, pass that, you're like,

I feel like there was an explanation, it doesn't really make sense, but I wanted to happen, so I'll just go with it. I'm done talking about this. Well, Queen Fibromyalgia, thank you so much for joining us. Oh, thank you so much. I'm a little unsettled that once again, we may have accidentally unleashed something really terrible on the whole world of food. I feel like everything's gonna work out great for me.

Yeah. Yeah, gosh, you know, false confidence. Not a good thing. I'm a rockstar, man. It doesn't matter. It's gonna lose one, so I think. Yeah to lose one. Yeah, all right. Well, guys, we've been continuing to get a lot of packages shoved through the portal behind the tavern, and it's awesome.

And I'm very appreciative. And if you send us something, and we don't get around to mentioning it, please know that we get every package and that we really appreciate all of them. Unless by chance they get lost in the mail or something, and we don't get them. But just assume that we do get all of them unless by chance they get lost in the mail or something and we don't get them But just assume that we do get all of them. Let's quickly go through some of the stuff people send us this week Let's see we got a very large box of candy here from Ken Shinkman Oh from a bull candy store dear food friends and army Your podcast has given me many hours of entertainment and educated me about a new land. I wanted to thank you for that.

I know that you have talked a bit about Candy Bar's from Earth, so I thought it would be a good idea for you to try some other types of Earth candy. Since I happen to own a candy store, both Candy Store and Com. I have included a selection for you. Enjoy Ken Shinkman. That's awesome. Speaking of Candy, we also got and gosh, I'm so sorry, I can't find who it's from Someone sent us kinder happy hippococo cream. That's fun to say kinder happy hippococo cream. 20,000 roaring arcs

And it's these cool little hippocandies. I also received a book which was very nice. It's called on grief and grieving by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. What's the what are those two little dots above that letter? Kubler, is she one of the Kubler else? Oh, that's an umla an umla out and what a what's the cool out? What are the Kubler elves? They're these tiny elves. They live in trees. They they make food. I don't believe it No, we've seen them. No, I don't believe they exist. Hi, Usador. I'm Haley, a therapist on Earth. I'm so sorry to hear about Trump's terminal curse.

Don't worry, we cured it. I hope Arnie's potion works. Potion. But if food forbid... Oh, there's a goddess, she's invoking the name of the goddess. But if food forbid, the worst happens. Maybe this book will help. It's a classic on Earth with love, Haley. Thank you so much, Haley. Thank you, Haley. There is so much death in this world. I'm sure that I will use this book often. And as soon as Arnie is dead, I plan on reading it. And, Chuck, what are the Kubler Helves again? There are these little elves that live in trees. That makes me angry. Hey yeah, I reached into that box of candy and I pulled out a bag of pop rocks. Oh wow

Can I dump this on a rock? No, you actually put that in your mouth That doesn't seem right. You want a pop of rock? See I grew up with pop rocks. I love them You put them in your mouth and they make sounds and I never thought about until now now, Pop Rock sounds kind of dirty. Why? It sounds dirty in about two different ways. Anyway, I received a package here from Celia Cleveland with a pile of notes, but they're sticky on one side, but they're all the same underneath. They all seem to be stuck together. It says high five. You're a and then there's an option for champ star hero or okay person. She has crossed an X next to star and okay person. Now in the package she has included a snickers for chunt, magic rock for you, Sador. This high five and this high five

for you, Arnie, you rock. See what she did there. A little post-it note. I have a couple extra post-it notes, so now I have Post-it notes that I can somehow use on my quest to get the lunar sword. Oh, Sean, I have a question for you. What are the Kubler elves? Ah, they're these elves that live in trees. If I give you this coin, can you make it so that doesn't exist? Hey, I also have a package. Another package here. These are little golden slippers, like little ballet slippers. Something that we needed. We're getting a lot of people sending us stuff to try to save you, Sean. It got here a little late but luckily we saved you anyway. But they says hi Arnie. I'm

Halle from Portland, Oregon. I'm deeply satan by Chun's predicament, but maybe there's still a chance. And close please find a slipper as pure as gold. Well, at least it's very gold with Ho Pally. I don't know why this all means. I think she's the same one that sent me the book. Oh, really? Yes. And they sent us something last week. Really? Hally, thank you so much. I don't know why. Maybe it's because it reminds me of... Is it one on Earth named named Halle? Very few people. But you know what?

For some reason, this kind of chokes me up. It reminds me of a little gold baby booty of my daughters that I had to lose to save Chant. But I guess I have these now. Baby booty. Chant's dear than pop rocks. Thanks for listening to Buttal. You're a pervert.

Hey, Chant, I have a question for you. What are the Kubler Elves? What is this? But what are they? They're Elves that live in trees. I accept it. I accept it. I've come to accept it.

What do you mean you've come? So much wonder, so much fantasy, and Arnie. But less we forget, none of that really happened. Use a door, the adult education class on putting together your vio demoreal was played by Matt Young. Chant the black hole where enthusiasm goes to die was played by Adel Rafaie. Fiber My Alja, the queen of the Goblins, was played by special guest Kelsey Kinney. Kelsey currently performs on the second city main stage. That's right Chicago comedy lemmings.

Kelsey made it, so ask yourself, what have you been doing wrong? And Alabaster Camardan was played by Tommy Maranges. Tommy is the co-creator of the game's secret Hitler, and the author of the book Descartes Meditations Bro, which you can get on Amazon, or philosophybro.com, Backslash Book. There's no dignified way to say Backslash. Craig, I'm going to spend a few moments in my shame closet. It's all you. Oh, that's never good.

Hello from The Magic Taffer was produced by Arnie Neacamp, Evan Jacoba, and Rhyndi Georgie. This is one edited by Rhyndi Georgie, music by Andy Poland, logo by Allard LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at hellofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. You also might notice we're featured on iTunes at the moment. Might be a good time to get your friends to try us out, huh? Get those numbers up, yeah. Thanks to the Chicago podcast, Co-Up, and Earwolf. Oh, and Matt Young, aka Eucodore, is on our fair city, season 7 episode 4. That's the July 5th episode, and he's also on siblings

peculiar episode 13, also July 5th. So if you need to mat in your life, there you go. I don't know if you do. Craig, based on these stains in my shame closet, have you been secretly trying to mate with a rack of ribs? You put me in there with the ribs and hid my clothes. you