Hello From The Magic Tavern - 75 - Make-Up Artist

Episode Date: August 15, 2016

An ambitious young make-up artist from the Unmarked Territories is ready to join Usidore's quest.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungGerm Crust: Mary TildenTricia: Kate JamesMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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The following podcast is a work of fiction, but it is also a proud member of the Thile Lampry, the Earwolf Network, and it continues to be sponsored by Cards Against Humanity. If you send a package to Cards Against Humanity 1917 North-Earth-Earth in Chicago, Illinois 60642, care of Arnie Nekamp for a million-minute tour town of Hogsface land of Foon, the 21-year-old millionaires at Cards Against Humanity will go through the charade of shoving it through the portal behind the Burger King, and somehow getting it to the hosts of the show. And now, enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of

Foon. I'm your host Arneany Camp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is the business. A year and a half ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical, fantastical land of Foon. Luckily, I still get a Wi-Fi signal from the Burger King through the portal, and I used that to upload a podcast. I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the Town of Hogs face, in the land of Foon, and I'm joined, I'm always joined, I mean with very few exceptions,

I am joined by my buddies, my Boone Companions, Shunt the King of the Badgers. Shunt, please. Hey, how you doing, bud? I'm doing great. And I'm also, I don't want to talk to you anymore. Bye-bye, bye-bye. Bye forever. And I'm also joined by my wizard friend,

Yusador, wizard of the 12th realm of a fesious master of light and shadow, not grandmaster. That's not a necessary application. For simply saying master is enough to understand that I have mastered all aspects of light and shadow. Wow. Yes? And like, how does that even work?

Have we ever talked about like how your use of light and shadow even works? I control any all forms of light. Uh-huh. I control all forms of shadow. Great. And I can take the various magical properties of light and shadow and create my magical wonders. Wow. Duh. And I'm also joined by my buddy, the King of the Badgers Chant.

Hello again. Oh, did I already introduce Chant? Yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry man. I'm a little hopped up on this red potion. Oh buddy, we have to have a red potion problem. No, I do not have a red potion problem I'm just look it's so fun. I just fill up I don't I have this new mug I'm a dad what's your superpower and I have about Seven or eight mugs full of red potion a day on her head is being dead of superpower It is it is a superpower It's one of my feats because Because here you just knock somebody up.

I mean, no, I mean, but being a dad, becoming a dad is maybe not a superpower, but being a dad is a superpower. I see the distinction you have made. I, for the stalwart nature of fatherhood, I, and parenting in general, I, whether you be female, male or somewhere on the spectrum, that does devote thy very life to protecting thy children, knowing that at least 40 to 50% of them will die. Yeah. And we're also joined by my good buddy, King of the Fathers.

What's this? We already said that. I said it. This is the third time. Oh, I'm sorry. I usually do him first, and then I do you second. We did that. Oh, exactly. OK, it went that order. Yes, huh? Do you need to lay down? No, I'm fine. I feel full of energy. I do not need to lie down

Honestly, I feel like I need to run around the tavern a little bit Hey, can you go over there and grab me a nail from the bar real quick over by the bar? Yeah, let's see how fast I can do it Hey, you said I've never seen a move like that I hate to say this I think we have to kill already I think he's so glad you said it I think he's I think he's gone I think his brain is finally just lost I think I worried when he came from another dimension into ours yes that he wouldn't maybe he doesn't have the fortitude to withstand our very universe it is unnatural to him yeah yes killing him will be a mercy. Okay, so it's agreed at this episode.

Yes, one of us will kill her. That's right, on three, one, two, three. I'm back, three. Three, what are we doing? Hey, I just realized I have a lot of energy, but I am still out of shape. Yeah, that bar is not as close as it looks. Did you bring the ale? What's that? Did you bring my ale with raspberry, the kings juice? Was that, was

that I supposed to do that? Yes. Okay. Alright, well, I'll do that later. I'll just order it. You introduce our guests. Oh, yes, of course. Hey, we are joined by, I'm very excited. We are joined by Gurm Crust, who is a makeup artist here in Fune. Yes, yes. Transfer to Fune. A transfer to Fune? Where did you transfer from? Just outside of Fune a little ways. The Unmarked Territory. Oh wow. This is the first time hearing. I'm very excited about the Unmarked Territory. Yes. I guess that's fairly self-explanatory, right? There's just unmarked territory along the edge of on the outside of the room.

Oh, yes, the terrible wastelands beyond food. You must be very brave and strong to survive them. Yes, you said I am. So, Girm, you grew up in a wasteland? You could say that. Yes, it was mostly full of crumbs. Just crumbs? Like crumbs of what?

Of everything. Everything turns into crumbs after it exists for only a moment. Oh, wow. I appeared into the wasteland once, and it was just a bunch of teenagers. The teenage wasteland? Yeah, it was awful. That's why nobody goes there, because nobody wants to be around. You must have seen them before their crumbs state.

Wow. So then how do people survive? Like, how do you not turn into a crumb? I ran away. Wow. That's why I'm a transfer to food. Well, welcome, welcome. I think sometimes two of the eagles fly over that area

just eating crackers. Yeah, that would do it. Yes, it rains crumbs, too. Yes. So does it happen to objects? Or does it happen to animals too? Like would a dog be chasing some candy and turn into a hairy crumb? Yes, that could happen.

That could. Yes. You seem real pleased with yourself. I am so pleased. Look, it has been a long time since I have said something that Earth people are loving quite so much. You're a real monster. So I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Germ. I should be talking to you about much more important things.

So you transferred from the wasteland to Foon. Yes, yes. And you're a makeup artist. I am, I am very proud to be a makeup artist. I have my own line. Oh, your own line of makeup. Yes. Does it have a name? Yes.

Prust foundation. Crust foundation. Yes. Yes. I specialize in textures. I find myself to be a very impulsive makeup artist. Yes. Anyone with any texture of face will do. Oh great. Could you could you give Yusidora a makeover? Well I did. I actually am very nervous because I use a door as a hero of mine. Oh wow! Well, you know, I use a lot of light and shadow in my work. Yeah, I shadow, right? Yes, that is part of it. I see you're wearing a blue eye shadow, is that because of Sadoora the blue? Well, the blue is special. I made it from berries that I found in my garden and yes, I do only put it on for special occasions. Oh nice. Yes, the makeup artist uses a light and shadow, not to dissimilar from myself, but to create contours and textures and shapes that were not there before the feasy eye.

Indeed. I'm so fascinated by what things you used to make the makeup, so you use berries maybe for some blue eyeshadow. What other things do you make your makeup out of? Oh, all sorts of textures. I've used stones before. Stones? Yes, just attach the stone to the face.

Add a little appenditure. That would add some texture Yeah, I see your your cheeks you need to be very red. Is that blood? Yes. Yes. It's my very own blood Yes, so you just make yourself bleed and then you put that blood on your face beauty is pain Yes, I don't have to make myself bleed it just happens. Oh, okay. Yes. I'm not sure if I... Oh, that's uh... yes. Okay, sure no, yeah, yeah. This common occurrence, I think. I totally get where you're... yeah, yeah. But you're a big fan of you, Sador. Yes, I mean, I'm gonna get up and move your chair closer and get a little bit closer. I want you guys to know each other. I'm very, I'm very flattered, of course, and of course, uh, I must then, if you are a fan, ask you this simple question.

Will you join my quest to defeat the Dark Lord of Foom? Oh, you're so off course! Yes! Oh, finally! The quest has a makeup artist! You would think I know a lot of people who think that isn't very important, but I am very good at doing makeup on the dead as well. Oh!

Yes. So if you said or dies on this quest, you can make them up. Oh well, hopefully that won't happen, but I mean if anyone dies, there are lots of dead children in food. Yeah, so much child death. And sometimes their parents want them to look alive, especially occasions. Sure. So I'm good at making them look like they're wearing eyes, I've had to open. I saw it before where you paint a little rock with the eyeball on it and

just put on top of their eyes. Yes. It's like they're just staring into nothing. There are lots of reasons to have a makeup artist on a quest with you. As Shiori mentioned, you can make up the corpses of fallen heroes, prop them up against something in your enemies. Oh, there's so many of them, they're just staring as so intensely. Yes, and honestly, a little bit of makeup makes you feel good. Yes, it's, a little bit of makeup makes you feel good. Yes, yes, yes, yes. It goes a long way. Yes, I actually specialize in faces like yours, Yusudor. I don't know if anyone has ever tried Yusudor.

Just real fucked up faces. Well, I wouldn't say that, but you do have a very Arabed texture to your face. Very true, very wrinkled, very weathered, yes. And I really love that kind of texture. I try to use it to know all my work. Is that brings pleasure to you? Yes.

His rib face? Yes. Is it a challenge with all that stubble? Like, he's growing his beard back. Is it tough to do makeup on a sort of stubbly bearded on the grass? Oh, no, I just did elongate it. Oh, really?

Yes. What would you use? I would use, I would say sometimes a little bits of clay, just to elongate the beard a little bit, add little pieces onto it. I also don't mind using meat. Meat? Just slap some meat on his face. Yes, I don't mind using meat on faces. Yes, she. We put it in our faces. Yeah, very good boy. Yeah, you've never worn a meat beard?

I don't think I have. I know. I feel like I would remember if I had. I mean, but let's be honest, I've found meat in my beard. I believe that. Feathers? Feathers. You use feathers as well.

I think you should look great with a feather beard. Here's the thing, you should or his beard. I don't know how long it would take for you to grow your beard back. She could make you a feather beard that you could have for a long time until it grows itself. It's his tempting. I would do it for you, for you. Really?

I would feel bad for that. I would want to compensate you in some way. Not necessary. And of course, you know, I don't want people to make fun of me for having a beard weave. Oh no, no. That's quite different. Do you think you don't think people would sort of look at me across the room, be like, look at this guy trying to look at all dirty featherbeard? I have created masterpieces for faces.

And no one has ever looked strangely at anyone wearing one of my masterpieces. If anything, they're looking out of something that I would call jealousy. They covet that beard. Yes, so if you are to wear one of them, I would say, you would probably be the most fancy person in the room. What would you use to keep the feathers on his face? Um, spit. Spit. Yes. And so that's how beards of a feather stay together?

I'm in. Spit, nature's glue. Well, you don't want, let's take a quick break. Let's all work up some saliva. And when we come back, makeover, makeover nights. We'll do a useador feather-beard makeover. Yeah, it's, yeah, it's and will win against the Dark Lord. And I will, and in this next segment,

we're gonna win against the Dark Lord. Looking good is the best way to win. So, all right, I got myself a little more red potion here and we are joined by my co-host, Sean. We already did this we did this part. What is going on? I could use that please oh sure yeah here here let me just put it just put it in this mug Okay, okay, it's different mug and I'm not gonna use mud blood. I hate my blood Bug blood. Hey careful. There's no magic. Yeahblood. No use. That's not a nice term. All right, but yeah, I'm gonna fill this mug up with my blood.

So just don't mind me. I'm gonna be bleeding into this mug. Yusador has been made over and he looks amazing. Wow. Oh my. My feather bed makes me feel so confident, proud, masculine. And your eyes are they're smizing which is like I've never seen it smies I just call smiling with your eyes. Oh, yes. Yes. I actually My best friend

Grazelda I'm created that oh really okay I heard about it on the banks of there's that river on the banks of Tyrae. I heard of smizing Oh, that's where she's from. And I think the way user doors cheekbones are extending, if you were not to street, like maybe you'd look like Lee Mabel. Maybe, maybe. Maybe?

Yeah. Maybe. Now, is there anything I need to know to take care of such a feather beard? What's the maintenance routine that I must go through every day? Well, I'd be happy to fluff it for you. Oh, that'd be wonderful. This is going to be joy to me on the quest. That's shant to be a problem.

Right. How long has a feather beard generally last? Feather beards could last up to a year. Oh, only a year. But you know what? Don't get yourself down. I would say feather beards are probably the most easily maintained of the beards. I've made beards out of oats. Yeah. Just pure oats. Yeah. And also horse. Horse.

Mm-hmm. Just the meat. Have you ever used like hail? Like I know it's, you know, like if you just collect a bunch of hail from the sky, you can make some with the oats. I don't have to. Do that. I think I must try that. Yeah, just think about it. In collecting hail, she's not a rich girl. Oh, it costs money. All right, we'll talk about this when she's gone. Oh, I do have some, I do have a little bit of money. Oh, I'm sorry, I don't know. I mean to, I do have my eyes, you're a light on the old man's money. I'm sorry. Yeah, I have a crust foundation. Oh, crust foundation?

Well, well, well. My company, yes, my makeup. That's right. So how many, so you've done quite well for yourself as a makeup artist? And as a crust fund, baby. Yes, well, I didn't have a family from the early beginning. You know, I was a runaway.

So I had to do things my own way. For a while, I was just disguising myself as just piles of things that you might find in the streets. Because then no one would bother me. And I realized that this was a skill I could use. So I started using it on other people who are just wandering animals. Anything that would give me the time of day. Let me break that down.

You were disguising yourself as things on the street with makeup? No, with the things on the street. Oh, with the, okay. I see, I see, I see. And that's all a matter of perspective, right? Like some people would say, look, I just dived into a pile of things in the street.

But if you think about it as disguising yourself as that pile of things, that's the first step towards becoming something. Yes, towards becoming a makeup artist. That's truly accepting the world around you. Yeah. And that's what someone who is an an entrepreneur would do. Yeah. So then how did you make the transition into professional makeup work? Well, she said so you started making up animals as they would pass by. Yes. How did they feel about it? Um, we didn't really talk about it.

Sure. Some of the animals probably talked, but some of them maybe didn't talk. Right. What is the most interesting creature that you've ever done makeup for? Yeah. I probably had ghost. Oh. Oh.

How does that even work? Oh, I have a bit of a ghost following. Sure. Like they just follow you, like are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, I probably had ghost. Oh! How does that even work? Oh, I have a bit of a ghost following. Sure. Like they just follow you, like are you, are you haunted? Yes. Oh, I'm just three behind her right now. Oh, hey, there's ghost.

Oh, you can see them good. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Wait a second, so everyone can't see the ghost. Oh, but it's because of the makeup. Right. It's not because like I'm cursed or something like that.

Right, so you know, I have a lot of colleagues that believe that makeup should disappear. That good makeup goes unnoticed. Sure. Good makeup goes unnoticed. But in my eyes, good makeup makes you be seen. Sure. So the ghosts, all they want is to be seen.

And I developed a sort of ghost foundation that instead of being transparent is actually very very visible. Sure, yeah they look goddy. Yes, yes. But great. I love the beautiful colors you use. I love that there's a pink ghost and then there's a blue ghost. Yes. Yeah. One that's just a pair of eyes that seem seeming to run away. Well, he's not being done made up. I had to stop in the middle and just so I could talk with you. Oh, wait, they're chasing pizza scull around. Well, I'm not responsible for it. Oh, pizza. Not pizza scull is chasing them. Oh man.

Oh man. No, Rassable. Can I ask you something? Absolutely. So you said you can do makeup for the dead, make them look alive. So say, like, let's choose at random, like, let's say Arnie died at the end of this episode.

You would be able to make him up in such a way that if we just prop him in this chair, put his mug in his hand, people walking by wouldn't know he was dead. Yes, I don't mean I suppose people would still come into interviews with him. Really? But they would, but here you look, if I died, which obviously I'm not gonna die anytime soon. If there was just like a, a, a, a me propped up here, like, the guests wouldn't get the great questions that I put out there. The way I draw things out of people, we could put some sunglasses on up here, like, the gas wouldn't get the great questions

that I put out there, the way I draw things out of people. We could put some sunglasses on you, put a shirt from Hawaii on you, and I feel like people would just assume you're still alive. Maybe. Maybe. Can I be honest? You're still a, you're still a, you're still a, I were talking about maybe killing you.

What? Don't, don't, not. What? I, we don't want to, you're one of our best friends, and we love you, but it seems like you've gone crazy. I've not gone crazy. You introduced me like five times. You're drinking too much red potion.

I'm, I look, okay, look, okay, maybe I'm drinking a little too much red potion. I'm sorry to do this in the middle of your interview. Oh no, it's fine, I did notice your face has kind of a melting texture to it. Yes, exactly. Oh, that's not bad. I have been feeling a little bit like I'm melting. I didn't know that it's actually physically manifest.

Absolutely. Okay, okay, maybe I should cool it on the red potion. I maybe, you know what, here's what I'll do. I'll pull back and only have four or five mugs of red potion a day instead of still too many. Still too many still too many hey there they're a medicine you know you're supposed to you're almost dying you're supposed to drink a red potion and replenish your life hey okay you're

right you're right I will only drink a red potion when I've come very close to dying like you guys said you were gonna kill, so I'm just gonna have, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no taking a red potion ever again. You could also dye your hair with it. I could dye my hair with red potion? Yes, and then that would be a different kind of dyeing. Oh! You wouldn't. That's, I like you. I like you. That's the kind of, that's the kind of talking I like.

I don't think you're hoping here exactly. Well, I'm just saying, you can use it for other things. You can ingest it in other ways than just orally. Really? Yes. Like, you can use that as a lotion. Oh, okay. You can use it on the ends of your hair and die like little tips.

Oh, and so would red potion absorb into my skin? Yes, and you'll get the effects, but it'll just be elongated. Oh, I see. You want to have four months. Oh, I see. I thought maybe you were suggesting like a butt chugging situation. What? No, no, that's grass. Do you guys not have that on, Finn? Oh, no, we've got it. We just know better than to talk about it.

Yeah, that's better. Even I don't talk about that. Oh, no, even you don't talk about butt chugging. I mean, sure, I tried to put super my butt for a couple of months. I wouldn't put red postures there. I am very good at making butts look like faces, but really, you're very good at making butts look like faces, but. Really? You're very good at making butts look like faces? Yeah! Oh, well let's all get to make over then. Could you give Yusidor's butt a feather beard? Oh, well I would be honored.

Let's do it. Well, Girm, thank you so much for joining us. Oh, my pleasure. And we should maybe wrap this up because, you know, I'm sure it's gonna take a while to put this feather beard on as but the listeners don't wanna hear every part of that process probably. And then we're going to war after that, the Dark Lord. Exactly.

Oh, and so then you're gonna, you sort of, you've just been treading water here at the tavern for the last year and a half. Now they have a makeup artist, a feather beard and very soon a butt beard, made of feathers, you guys are just going to go off and you're going to go to war. Maybe we shall not leave tomorrow, but soon a war is coming. I'm very good at inciting action.

Wow, I like how proactive you are. You're like, I'm going to dive in a pile of stuff in the street, and from here things are going to happen for me. Yes, a very widely. That's great. Well, dark and evil dealings all around us and we must prepare. Well, before we go, I'd like to read an email here real quick. Um, hey guys, this is sent to Magic Tavern at puppies.supplies, it's really email address.

Hey guys, I'm a former infantry man slash killing machine from the United States Army who has turned to cooking I'm a future owner of a food truck think hot food cart pulled by horses and I'm looking for a part-time job to help pay for it You guys looking for a guard slash cook for your tavern. Don't worry about how I'll get there I'll find you easily. I'll accept me and the blood of your enemies as payment sincerely Sergeant Adam Tadeo. I'm sorry if I'm very sorry Adam if I've mispronounced that. Sergeant Adam Tadeo.

Wow. Seems like a nice guy. Well, yeah, if you wanna have a job at Chuchu's Chow, I would definitely, could you some help over there? I mean, I would love it if someone from Earth came to cook food here because I'm, even Chuchu's Chow, I'm sorry guys, the food at Chuchu's Chow is just not to my taste.

Then not to my life. Wow, dare you. You store I think we have to kill Arnie. I agree. Hey, do we have time to talk about the food fighters? No, next week. Okay. Sorry, I'm sorry, we promise to talk about the food fighters this week.

Are they food fighters? No, guys, next week. Next week, next week we'll talk about the food fighters. This is taking ever long. Alas, all the images you've constructed in your mind have simply been an elaborate castle made of sand. And here comes my big salty wave to tell you that none of that really happened. Use it all the wizard was played by Matt Young. Junt was played by Adel Ruffy.

Gurm Crust, the makeup artist, was played by special guest Mary Tilden. Mary performs with Devil's daughter at the I.O. theater in Chicago, as well as the herald at the mission theater. Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Evan Jacober, Ryan to Georgie and Arnie Neekam. This episode was edited by Garrett Schultz. Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt. Is there any sort of internee stuff you need me to do? Oh, Trisha, yes. There's a storeroom full of sentient mechanical pens and I need someone to keep them company. Craig, can you finish this up while I show Trisha to the storeroom?

Uh-huh. Music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller LeBon, additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistance by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at hellofromthemagictavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter, thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thanks to Earwolf. Oh hello from the Magic Tavern is going to be performing live at the now here this fest in Anaheim, which is going on October 28th to the 30th. Now here this fest is like the Comic Con of Podcasts with live performances and special events for podcast fans. Besides Magic Tavern, you can also see comedy Bang Bang, How To This Get Made, WTF, lore,

super ego, the moth. I don't know how we got invited. And there's a lot more, really too many to mention right now. So just go to nowherethisfest.com for more info. Remember, Tricia, the Sension Pens may tell you things, horrible things, but they're just fooling. Oh man, I love pizza! Oh man, I love pizza!