Hello From The Magic Tavern - 78 - The Bandit King (Live from the Steppenwolf Theater in Chicago)

Episode Date: September 5, 2016

The tavern is busy, and the Bandit King is here!CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungThe Bandit King: John ThibodeauxCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Wait, that can't be right. These Steppenwolf Theatre? Wow. This podcast at Steppenwolf is the least believable thing the show has ever done. Even I'm having trouble knowing what's real and what isn't anymore, and I get a lot of briefing on that. Anyway, the show continues to be sponsored by Cards Against Humanity. If you want to send a package to the show, send it to Cards Against Humanity, 1917 North

Elston, Chicago, Illinois, 60642, care of Arnonee Camp, Vermilion Minotaur, Town of Hogsface, Land of Foon. Someone from Cards Against Humanity will make sure your package gets to the land of fune, which again does not exist. Enjoy the show! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neacamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, hello. And you're going to be a little bit confused, but let me sort of be your guide as to what you're about to hear. About a year and a half, I fell through

a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago. If you're familiar with the city of Chicago, it's the one at the intersection of Irving and Clark. And I fell through that, some intersection applause. I fell through that portal into the fantastical, magical land of food. Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from that Burger King through the dimensional portal that I fell through, and I used that to upload a podcast that I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, where we are now. In the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon, and I'm joined every week by my co-host, Chunt, the King of the Badgers. Oh! Oh! Oh!

A little podcast-friendly high-kicking. Bing-Bong! So, John, for new listeners, you are a talking badger. I'm a shapeshifter. You are a shapeshifter who is currently and, frankly, almost always in the shape of a badger. Yeah, I'm currently a badger I'm also the king of the badgers who are the king of the badgers. Yeah, thus the scepter the thus the scepter But I don't always carry it so this is a little bit of a deviated scepter. Oh

And uh, where's your where's your crown? My crown I don't wear all the time, just because I'm having a little bit of trouble with my subjects, so I don't want them to be able to directly pick me out of a crowd. Yeah. You don't want your subjects to be able to tell that it's you? Not unless I want them to, you know?

Sure. Just because things have been a little weird. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like they're tired of me being king, so I'm just, you know. I'm tired of you being king. Yeah. Well. Until a new plot line is introduced, I guess.

Yeah, you never know. You never know. And I always never want to introduce this guy. I uh, I always never want to introduce this guy. But you know what, I will even though I know that our listeners could not care less. But my other co-host is Yusudor the Wizard. I am Yusudor! Wizard of the 12th World of Ezeus, Master of Light and Shadow, Minipulator of Magical Delights, The Elves No Mi is fying out. The dwarves No Mi is zoning in who extinguis. I say it.

I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it.

I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it.

I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it. I say it. The Elves No Me is fying out. The Dwarves No Me is zoning in who extinguishes. And I am known in the North East as Gassam Wainius Maystaya. And there may be other secret names you do not know yet, so don't even try to say them or I'll smack you in the face. So you said, or I'm sorry, normally I, you know, I get ready for our podcast, I take

out my laptop, I set out some microphones, I realized that this week I did not set out a microphone for. You had one thing to do. But luckily you discovered that just over a few feet away from our table, there's another microphone here in the Vermilion Minotaur. That's right. How? How is there just another microphone here? I have been using my great magical powers to duplicate all of your gigamy cookies.

You've been replicating Earth technology? Yes. It doesn't usually work right. Often it cries itself to sleep. Oh. Yeah, the other day I had to tuck in an iPhone. Had to kiss it on the forehead, tuck it in, and then slowly melt it into nothing.

Oh. Well, I have buried so many iPhones. Oh. Usually an iPhone will last about two years before you have to bury it. And then it dies immediately. Earth people are loving that joke. Nays sadly, these did not even last two months

before I did have to dig a small hole in the ground, throw them inside as they screamed, no, no, you said, oh, and then covered them with dirt as they continued to scream, I'm alive, what are you doing? I want to talk about something that happened just before the show. Yes, of course. This, I don't think I've ever seen this happen before. This is the first time I ever saw a Yusador use Stairs. It's not pretty.

Not pretty. There's like, what are all the things that you carry, Yusador? I have my sword. My trusty sword, I have my pipe. Yes. For smoking pipe, we eat, I have my pipe. Yes. For smoking pipe weed, I have my bottle. Just your bottle. Just my bottle.

In case I need to capture a fairy, perhaps? No. So it's good to have an extremity bottle. Don't knock it. Yeah. Of course, I have my great staff of wizardly power. And I have a little, uh, something to make the day a little bit better.

But I just realized, especially, something to make the day a little bit better. But I just realized that, especially with the sword and the staff, it is hard for you to negotiate stairs. Yes, this is why I, in the mornings, I sit up at an exact 90 degree angle and fly through my chidneys unless I have to walk down the steps in the front of my Hubble. Also, have I never mentioned that there are stairs behind the Vermilion Minotaur? l don't think you have. Yeah, there's just like a steep, there's just a long, steep thing of stairs just going down into the ground. Yes, yes, that's where I buried all the dead technology.

Right behind the Vermilion Minotaur. So there, every day we can go down there and say, goodbye, razor phone. Goodbye. Yeah, he tried to make a phone that was an iPhone but also served as a razor. It's terrible. Yeah, that's a horrible idea. But we got it to say one thing and the one thing it said was 2001 called and that's it. idea but we got it to say one thing and the one thing it said was two thousand one called

and that's it like what does that mean but we're the we're the stairs go behind the vermilion minotaur down and down towards the ball the ball of course down towards the ball you've never been in the ball never been to the ball and then into the ball

well that's where all the ghosts are. Why do you think I bury things back there? If you bury something near a bog, it comes back to life as a...as a specter. Oh, wow. What about pets? Have you put pets in there? Uh, you should put them in a cemetery. Oh, and a...

How do you...how do you spell that? Cemetery? Yeah. S-E-M-E-N-T-A-R-Y. Okay, yeah, that sounds about right. What? So, if I, so say I had like a pet wolf and I... You couldn't handle a pet wolf.

Forbion your capabilities. I would suggest you get a hamster or maybe like some gravel. Yeah. Yeah, Wolf would walk all over you. A wolf would walk all over me, would you step all over me? Are you kidding me? If you had a wolf, it would run in here, it would go to the bar, get a big drink of beer, sculpt it all down, look, you go, woo, woo, woo.

Yeah. His jaw would descend to the floor. He wouldn't be able to control it. Tongue would lol out. But I see what you're saying. You're trying to say that it would be a step-in wool. It would be a stepping, it would be a stepping-in wool. That won't fall all over you.

Yeah. I saw what I saw with the first hand. Wait, guys, let us not speak of the ghost. I just heard ghost said it was. The ghosts are angry. So I saw wait guys let us not speak the ghost that was the ghost of anger the ghosts are very angry I want to I want to mention really quick that if you're listening at home and you would like to send an email to the show which we answer on the show you can always send those to magic tavern at puppies.supplies it's real email address

and and say you're listening say you're listening to the show right this very moment. You're like, I've got a question. I'm going to send it to the show. You can send those emails and we will, if we have time, answer some of those emails on the show. Okay, why are you telling me? LAUGHTER Yeah, you're just staring him dead in the eyes. LAUGHTER

Ease up. Hey, Arning. Arning. The hell? Ease up. Ease up? Yes. Listen, I don't's up. Hey, Arning. Arning. What the hell? He's up. He's up? Yes. Listen, I don't... I don't want to tell you this, but you store spin complaining about the intense eye contact that you make with him.

Really? He said you're always trying to make meaningful eye contact with him and it's upsetting. Do you know that most people can't even look at wizards straight in the eyes? They usually, you know, look downward or look at his like, yes. People don't look wizards in the eye? Oh, they usually, you know, look downward or look at the eyes like, yes, people don't, people don't look wizards in the eye.

Oh, they try. But unless they wish to catch on fire spontaneously or find themselves with an extra neck growing out of their current neck, that's the worst is when you see a guy with not two heads, but two neck, two neck. Another neck. Is the neck? Boy, I got so many questions about this.

Just the neck. Just, and you try not to look at it, but the person, they're like, are you looking at my, it's like, yeah, of course I am. So what's at the end of the second neck? Does it just like fleshed over or is it just sort of like, it's usually open with a hole in the middle that kind of spurts everyone's eye? Either that or they put like a nice little bit of like, it's usually open with a hole in the middle, it kind of spurts everyone's eye. Oh. Either that or they put like a nice little bit of decoration on it.

Oh. Like you can kind of frost it like a cake. Yeah. Put a little strawberry in the middle. Yeah. Hey, you know what? Actually, I want to make sure. I'm so excited to talk to our guests, guys.

I've heard this guy is very sort of famous in Foon. So I'm going to just welcome out the Bandit King. Oh, notorious bandit king. What brings you here today? I was traveling through your very area, and I decided to stop in for a cup of ale. Oh, that, that, that is, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. You're not at to some nefarious plan or evil doing or near dueling. Well, in Bandit Island, where I hail from, we're always up to near dueling, it's sort of part of our government. Oh, yes. Bandit Island. Yes.

Yes. So is Bandit Island populated entirely by bandits? Yes indeed. Yes, we are. Once you're there, you're a bandit. Sure. That's the way it works. Oh wow.

It's like the Olive Garden. Exactly. How do you know about the Olive Garden? Oh, I'm sorry. I was talking about an earth thing called the olive garden. What is the olive garden in food? I was talking about a garden of olives that we have on Banda D Island. Oh, okay. And once you arrive there, you have to eat an olive,

and then you've been indoctrinated. Oh, wow. Okay, wow, that's good to know. But these olives are evil. So if everybody on Banda, which reminds me, if you're hungry, we do have some dead sticks here. Oh, yeah.

We have a bunch of dead sticks. They're like bread, but they're... Why are you looking at me? It seems like you want to explain it. LAUGHTER They're dead sticks. They're made with dead yeast. When yeast dies, it still has flavor. So you cook dead yeast and you make dead sticks. They're made with dead yeast. When yeast dies, it still has flavor, so you cook dead yeast and you make dead sticks. Oh wow! And it's impossible to run out of them.

Oh, so they're endless dead sticks? I prefer just saying it's impossible to run out of them. No, okay. That's good. It would be my honor to, meaning a fellow king, it would be my honor to grab you a drink. What would you like? I'll take a cup of blood. But... Okay, I'll be right back. Can you be a little more specific? I prefer a positive.

A positive. Got it. Be right back. He didn't go anywhere. Seriously. Sorry, just jump around. You know how I'm a total asshole. I do know how you are a total asshole. No, no, no, I'm sorry. You want some A-positive blood?

I'll go get it. Arnie, you're just sitting here staring at me. What? Christ, I'm the one that can't go downstairs. Are you happy now? Yes, I am. Look, I'm sorry, Bandit King. This is something we do.

Chant 9 per 10, like we're going to go get drinks. We come up for reasons not to, so that you said, or we'll go and do it. Ah, yeah. Well, we play a lot of pranks on Bandit Island, too. I'm sure. What is a Bandit prank? Mostly just killing another person.

I get it. Yeah, yeah, that's the ultimate prank, the eternal prank. And then you take their things, and then you have more things. Yeah, absolutely. So if everyone on Bandit Island is a Bandit, is bandits bandit each other? Yeah, that's sort of the foundation of our entire economy. Oh.

Yeah, how does the bandit economy work? It's sort of like a barter system, and by barter, I mean stealing. OK, so you're just constantly all stealing from each other? Yes, exactly. Well, even like your relatives? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, what a bandit, brothers.

Hmm. Hmm. Look, if we were on my island, you would die for that. Sure. Sure. I think I would die on most islands for that. Can I ask one? I don't, I might have missed it.

What's your name? Your first name? My name is Rayquanius. Rayquanius. Oh, very nice to meet you. Can I just call you Rayquan, I'm not, I'm not a misstead. What's your name? Your first name? My name is Rayquanius. Rayquanius. Oh, very nice to meet you. Can I just call you Rayquan for short? Yes, sure. Two, how did you get your black eye?

Oh, someone tried to bandit me. Oh. Who would bandit the bandit king? Well, there's the bandit court jester. Uh-huh. And sometimes he likes to play jokes, and he's jokes are sometimes not funny and then i hit him and then he hit me back

oh i see but i'm sure i'll and you can hit someone if their jokes aren't funny no yeah yeah no no no don't hit me my jokes are all really funny hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh

hh hh diii diii hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh hh h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h h Mmm. Ah, ah, die! Die! There was no a positive blood, so I got you this ghost blood. Sorry, ghost blood was all they had. Enjoy. Yeah. Drink it up.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, bands get beatschewsers, you know? Bottoms up. Enjoy! Drink it up? Yep, yeah, bandit's can't be choosers, you know? Bottom's up. So, so bandit king, how did you become the bandit king? Well, as in all monarchies, when the monarch dies, a nugs one takes his place. I just happen to facilitate the dying of the previous monarch by killing him. Oh, I see. Yeah, it's a very violent place banded island. Yeah, I can imagine. How long have you been the banded king? Well time is really relative, isn't it? Whoa.

The, uh, I'm sorry, I'm getting very distracted. I'm getting a flurry of emails. Oh, why don't you guys talk amongst yourselves? Isn't anyone going to ask me what I killed on the way back in here? I'm getting a flurry of emails. Why don't you guys talk amongst yourselves? Isn't anyone going to ask me what I killed on the way back in here? What was that? What did you stab at the top of the stairs there? I don't want to talk about it now.

Come on, please. It was a bog demon. It was a bog demon that came from the bog. That's a problem. They usually stay down in the bog, but now they're getting braver and braver because every day the dark lord's influence begins to take sway here in hog's face. Yay! In every day he becomes more and more powerful as the boy behind the bar allows docked eagles and evil men to step

blemish into the tavern yay in the in this bandit king who seems harmless enough on his bandit island who commits such acts of treachery is stealing what he's told recently food is stealing food food from sweet young babes and the like who who probably need that food desperately. You're a beard is lower. No, it's fine.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Yusudor, I was checking my email. What was that thing that you just saw? The dark Lord's influence grows every day. Damn it. Ian War powerful. Moment by moment. Second by second. I, we must defeat him.

I, we must all band together. We must form a party of strong men and women and elves and dwarves and halflings and E.Y.A. Ian bandit kings. Bandit king. Thou art aist Chevious, Rascalian, but can you join my quest to help me defeat true evil?

Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow. What do you pledge to my quest? Yeah, what does a bandit have to offer? Well, I can make people feel uncomfortable. What was that?

No, they're... Exactly. I don't think that Bob Demon is dead! Oh, no. Oh, God. Use it or... Get one of that sword. That sword is far too real.

That sort is far too real. Well, while they're off, I potentially killing someone. I got an email here, it says, Arnie, do you wear a pink shirt to every live show? All of my shows are live. Does this maybe suggest a deeper psychological problem? Do they have mental health professionals in FUN? What general theories of practice dominate the mental health profession in FUN? Question mark, use it or forever,

Billy Yum Yum 2x2. What do they do in FUN if people seem like they need some mental help? Well, normally they'll just lay down under a tree and sleep it off Sort of try to sleep off their mental illness It's worked for me for time to time really so what are what kind of mental? This is a very personal question. I'm realizing well, it's just us Yeah, it's just the two of us. What kind of problems plague the bandit king?

Ugh. It's mostly, I guess, the killing. No, sure. And the still being alive? Yeah. Yeah. It's like, why did I survive? Why am I the king?

I feel like an imposter sometimes. So you sometimes you're like, I stabbed and killed that guy. Why did I survive that stab? Yeah. And then I look down into the crystal clear ocean waters that surround Bandit Island and I see my reflection and I think who is Ray Quadias? Who is Rayquanius? He's the banded king. That's your name? Yes. Oh, I wasn't here for that. Welcome back.

We didn't miss any talk about mental health, did we? No, not at all. No. Don't worry, it was just a cat. It was an evil cat. It has been dispatched. I have another email here. It says, Hello, Arnie. I was wondering if the wolves of Foon,

what a queen says. We were just talking about that. I was wondering if the wolves of Foon had a name that they knew Yucidor has. If so, what is that name? Also, what is the name of Yucidor's favorite wolf friend? That's it. Thanks. Arnison sent from a razor. Well, of course I'm good friends with the great wolf lords like King Tentius.

King Tentius. King Tentius. And they know me be as Roooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo We just have more in common. He seems like a cooler guy. Sure. So you're good friends with King Tentias? But you're like, it's brother's cool. What makes him a cooler wolf? Just the way he comes his hair. Yes, hair is perfect. Really perfect hair. He's got a little wolf pompadour.

I saw him the other day he was at, do you know Vic, the trader? He was like, Vic, the trader's standing, his hair was perfect. Wow. Just great. That's perfect hair, trader vix, I think. Yeah, actually.

That hair will go away with age, though. Right now, he's just a teen wolf. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Just a, it's true. Just a teen wolf plant sports. Yeah. Yes, sometimes. Sometimes I go down to where the Wolf lords are playing,

and I bring my cart, and they sort of get on top of the cart and balance themselves as I pull the cart around with Grim Hoof. Wow. Those are some amazing styles that they must have. That's...that is the very brother's name. I feel like I heard a... Style is the wolf, really. the very brother's name. I feel like I heard a style of the wolf. Really? Yes.

Super hairy guy. What's next? I want to answer one more email here real quick. It says, Chunch Crown is chunch out of the insane crown posse. Now that he refuses to wear his crown tim yes that's that's the real reason i'm not wearing my crown is i got kicked out of the insane crown posse oh no chun yeah yeah yeah so sorry for new listeners the insane crown posse is an

assortment there's new listeners seems unlikely the insane crown posse well you could probably explain better than i could yeah the insane crown posse was a three kings they all hung out me the king of the horses and another guy i believe it's the king of the other i'm sure you're my angel of the germany angel of the king of the horses and the king of the otters and uh... the king of the horses didn't invite me to one of his parties and ever since then there's been a giant riff to giant chasm in our friendship

And I got kicked out. Yeah, it must be terrible when other kings don't invite you to do something. Oh Wait, was that a burn on? Bandits I know it's the Game of Bandits. Yeah. You're in Bandit Island. Yeah. Oh, what could be a lonely life than being a bandit king on Bandit Island? No peers to run and play with.

No friends to come to your aid in your time of need. Nay, just subjects. Looking at you, hoping to take your title of bandit king away from you Or to at least snap your coin purse off your belt and that was opportunity they have for their all skirly as bandits Thank you for describing my life back to me You are welcome So so bandit king were you were you bandit or did you become a bandit? Well, I think every true bandit is forged in the fires of misfortune.

Oh. Is that literal? Is that literal? I know, I was not burnt by misfortune. Oh, okay. That's hard to know. I mean, so many things in this world sound like they're just a metaphor, but they are literally true.

Well, yes, it is the nature of our land. How air. I did have some unfortunate things happen to me as a young boy, and that shaped me who I am today. Wow. I feel like this is a question you should never ask someone, but what are the unfortunate things that happened to you as a boy? I thought you'd never ask. Also, Arnie, just between you and I later on,

I want to ask about his mental health. Oh, okay, yeah. You said you didn't cover it yet? No, no, we haven't talked about mental health at all. I'm just super curious. This is a lot deeper of an interaction than I thought it would be. But that unfortunate thing that happened to me

or multiple things, my parents were taken from me. Your parents were taken from me? Yes. Did a bandit steal them? Yes. Was that bandit death? No, it was an actual bandit. OK.

And was he like, ah, I'm going to steal your parents and sell them to children? No, he left a note. Wait, ah, I'm going to steal your parents and sell them to children? No, he left a note. Wait, well, hold on. Hold on. Stop everything. Did you just suggest that a bandit stole someone's parents to sell them back to children? Yes.

Yeah, so they're like, oh no. Let's walk us through that. Yeah, let's just unpack what you say. I too would like to know. No, no, I mean, I was just assuming if bandits abducted parents, like what other use would they have besides to sell them to children who, for whatever reason, can't have parents of their own.

Maybe they've tried for a long time to have their own parents. They can't. They're like, look, maybe it's responsible. They're already so many parents. We should just adopt some parents. We try having a black market for parents on Bandit Island for a while, but it didn't work out. It didn't work out.

No, no, no, no. Children generally don't have a lot of money. That's the problem we ran into. Yeah, there's no one could trade any goods or services for the parents. So I'm sorry, Bandit King. So your parents were stolen from me. A note was left on my bedroom floor.

It said, if you want your parents too bad. Oh. Oh no. Like why did they need to communicate that to you? Now, Bandit King, I do not mean to be ins insensitive Was it possible that your parents wrote this note? Damn Just saying did the handwriting look familiar It was all cut out letters cut out letters. Yes, but cut out of what

Cut out wood wood. Yes, obviously What else would it be? Yes, it has crossed my mind that my parents left that note And if that's the truth, I don't want to face that truth So I immediately retreated into my own self and went on a long quest that has brought me here. Wow. Yeah. So do you think so the note said, if you want to see your parents again, too bad, how was to spelled? Because that's going to make a difference in my theory here. I have a theory, how was two spelled? It was a T with two O's. Nah, nevermind. OK.

It's good to say if it was spelled two bad T-W-O, then maybe that means like two wrongs make a right. And there's something on that path. You're really barking up a dead tree. If you're cutting lettuce out of wood, it'd just be easier to do the number two. That's true, yeah. Save a lot of time.

Well, whoever stole my parents had a lot of time to carve the message. Yeah, that's the other part. Yeah, that would take a long, like it. It would premeditate it. Yeah, that seems like a clue towards maybe it was your parents. Right, they're like, all right, look, we're going to abandon our child.

We just need to spend half a year carving these letters. Hey, hey, hey! If one person in this room shouldn't speak about abandoning their children... Yeah. You know what? Yes, yeah, and boo, thank you. You know what? You know what? No, no, no, he's right. I've been trapped in this world and I haven't done enough to try to get home to earth and see my family again. So, you know what? You know what? No, no, no, he's right. I've been trapped in this world and I haven't done enough to try to get home, to earth and see my family again. So, you know what? Right this moment, I'm gonna get up from this table and I'm gonna go and find that dimensional rift.

Because, you know what, Arnie? You should do that. You know why? Because you're a bannet king. Because you stole your child's heart. Arnie, before you leave on this journey, let me tell you one thing. No matter how long and how far you search, when you find what you're looking for, you won't be the same and neither will it.

He was just making a joke about not getting it up from the table. So bandit king, what brings you to Hogsface? Great segue, aren't you? He really knows how to host a podcast, doesn't he? Towards the end you say what brings you to Hogsface, but we talk about everything else first? Yeah, okay. I'm going in reverse order. I'm on a fact-finding mission. I need to reform our system of government.

It's been failing on Bandit Island. Oh, wow. Yeah. It is a banditocracy. Yeah. How does a banditocracy work? Well, it's very complicated. A lot of ins and outs, a lot of checks and balances and what have you. But essentially, there's a king and then everyone votes with their own blood. Mm-hmm.

And so the bigger people get more votes because they can let more blood out of their bodies. Sure. Check it out. There's a giant that lives there that's becoming addicted by his voting power. Yeah. Have you ever thought about setting up a religious monarchy? We have, but religion doesn't go over very well

on an island where everyone kills each other. Mm. True. That hasn't stopped religions on Earth. LAUGHTER Yeah, we don't know much about the religions on Earth. What's, uh, he's talked about Christianity, I think. What's... Yes, let's get into it.

Yes. Let's dance around this gasoline fire, shall we? No. I don't know. I mean, well, I mean, historically, a lot of them have been violent. You know, it just, it just, hate happens with most of them. Or it had to rank them order of best to worse.

Yeah. Yeah. Ranked, rank Earth's religions from best to worst. From, from least violent, from best, I would say, least violent. He's going for it. I would say, on Bandit Island, we call this a trap. I'm gonna say, lease violent agnostic

uh... second lease violent atheist i think the agnostics are maybe a little less violent than the atheist for some reason and then blah blah blah blah blah blah blah you avoided that well thank you well bandit king uh... we probably to wrap up here but uh... is there anything we can do for you to help you make Bandit Island's government work better?

Well, it would be nice if someone could help us dispatch of this giant who votes with all this blood. I hear your call. A call for a hero to step forth and take on your quest. I shall slay this giant with my sword and my staff in hand. I, in my trusty steed, grim with the fifth fastest horse in food. I, we shall together, travel to your island. Oh, well, how am I going to get there with a horse? I know. We'll ask Captain Shark to take us there in his boat. Aye, and then rumble for the eye. Shall set foot upon your island, and we shall find this giant. And I shall look him in the eye, and you shall grow a second neck out of his first neck.

And then I shall take my sword, and I shall smite him with it, and I shall cast a spell of fire that shall consume him fully. Sounds like a plant. I was just going to suggest that like whatever part of banded island the giant lives on, you just say that's in a different district. You just say like... It's still a part of the island. Well, you say technically look, but we're just sort of trying to figure out the best way to make it. And so giant, you, you're voting in a different election

entirely. Arnold speaks wisdom here. Let me in's a good time to tell you. I've seen you sit down. I've seen him come in that Westside, Eastside, North and South. Oh, let the rezoning on Bandit Island take place now! It's all done. Take care of it. I'll just have to take your word for it. Why wouldn't you take a wizard's word? Okay, back up. I mean, of course I would. Yeah.

Get a little excited about it. Hooray! There we go. Well, beta king, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks for having me. I'm going to return to the bandit island now and hopefully not get murdered. Yeah. And you, Sador. thank you for joining me every week. You're welcome. And Chant, also, you're a good friend. You're a good friend.

Wow, you seem so utterly uninvested in saying that to me. I love you, buddy. I love you. I love you, Sador. Oh, well, I love both of you, too. And you know what, I love you, Bandit you. You used to do or oh I love both of you too and you know what I love you bandit king Thanks, I'm not ready to go there. I have into me see you That's all right. Ney bandit king. Yeah, we never got to talk about his mental health issues No, he can lay under a tree and figure it out you've joined us here today and you are now a part of our circle

Thank you Now a part of our circle. Thank you. You seem not at all enthused by that. But thank you so much, and thanks to everyone in the Vermilion Minotaur, and thank you from Hello from the Magic Tavor. Well, that was fun. As the note pinned to my chest tells me, none of that was real and you shouldn't believe any of it as if you did.

John Thicking of the Badgers was played by Adel Raffai. Use it or the wizard was played by Matt Young. The bandit king was played by special guest John Tidot, John and Matt both performing the improvised Shakespeare company. You can also see John perform weekly in the show, three Pete Monday nights at the I.O. theater in Chicago. Hello from the Magic Tavern was produced by, uh, Oop sounds like we've got another alert for an email here.

Let's see, uh, this is from Molina Trimbley from Quebec. She sent an audio of her roommate Jacqueline, no last name, saying Yusudor's name in French. Sort of Canadian French. Manipulateur des plaisirs magiques, des vords du caos, champion des grâles de taches, les selves me connaissent en tant que fienne, Yalik. Piaise, Lilleux. Ha ha ha. Les filles me connaissent en tant que zone in Houston, je suis connu dans le nair estoun,

de tasse moignasse, maix-tart. Gaffine, et... Féquillez quoi? Mais connaissez-que comme étant le goût qui parle fort, dans L.O. From The Magic Tavern. Je sais pas, mais je sais que je sais pas. Je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais pas que je sais I'm bored. Is it a U? Oh, away. Oh, it's a U. Oh, away. Oh, away. I was baked. Come on.

I'm up with that yellow darkened. Kept back qua, apparently. Looks like you can look stuff up on this console. I didn't know that. Kept back qua. Anyway, hello from The Magic Tavern was produced by Arne Eni Camp, Evan Jacober, and Ryan D. Georgie. This one edited by Garrett Schultz, music by Andy Poland, logo by Aller LeBon,

additional audio effects by Jason Knox, production assistants by Garrett Schultz. Visit us at aloefromthematicavern.com or on Facebook or Twitter. Thanks so much to the sounds like Chicago Festival and Tyler Green for putting it all together. Thanks to the Chicago podcast co-op and thank you to Ear Wolf.

He's probably gonna be out of the nutrients shower soon, so I've gotta go fight some fresh towels. Bye!