Hello From The Magic Tavern - 81 - Siren

Episode Date: October 3, 2016

Let this week's episode be a song that draws you in. You'll be okay.CreditsArnie: Arnie NiekampChunt: Adal RifaiUsidore: Matt YoungUrsula the Siren: Lindsey SmithRichard Seashanty and Pilk: Derek Dupuy and Mike SparaMysterious Man: Tim SniffenCraig: Ryan DiGiorgiProducers: Arnie Niekamp, Evan Jacover, Ryan DiGiorgiEditor: Garrett SchultzTheme Music: Andy PolandMagic Tavern Logo: Allard LabanAudio Assistance: Jason KnoxProduction Assistance: Garrett SchultzYou can support the show directly and receive bonus episodes and rewards by joining our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/magictavern for only $5 per month. Follow us on Twitter and Instagram, and now Patreon!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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oak known as tongue wasp. Whoops, ear wolf. And it continues to be sponsored by cards against humanity. If you'd like to send something to Arnie, use it or enchant, put it in a box, seal it up tight, and then throw it out into the street and just pretend it got there. Meanwhile here's this address for no reason. Cards against humanity, 1917 North-Elsden, Chicago, Illinois, 60642. Care of Arnie Neekam, Vermillion Minotaur, Town of Hogsface, Land of Food.

And now here this! Hello from the Magic Tavern! A weekly podcast from the magical land of Foon. I'm your host Arnie Neekamp. If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is the stuff that you need to know. About a year and a half ago I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King into the magical fantastical land of Foon. Luckily I'm still getting a slight Wi-Fi signal from that Burger King through the dimensional rift and I use that to upload a podcast that I record every week here in the tavern, the Vermilion Minotaur, in the town of Hogsface, in the land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my buddies, by my co-hosts, Chant, the King of the Badgers. Zibzabzop. Zibzabzop? Yeah. Oh, another one of your new catchphrases? No, I'm just making stuff up. Just saying, you're just descending and do gibberish words.

Just having fun. We're weak, just having fun. Just having fun. Yeah. Is that how you're just wandering around town, just like, I'm having fun with my mouth making words up. That's exactly what I just walk around. And then, you know, my mouth takes a certain shape.

And I'm just like, was a wasle. And then I'm just like, there's a thing. You know, there's a phrase. And I'll write it for a little bit. And then if I get tired of it, you know, I'll step off and write it and get And I'll write it for a little bit, and then if I get tired of it, you know, I'll step off and write, get a new phrase, write that for a little bit. Sure.

Have you had a favorite new word or phrase that you've come up with recently? I mean, I feel like I really enjoy bang-ring, but like I told you, that's, that's short and for when you have a ring or two. Exactly, I'm a ring. I'm a ring, sorry. Never mind.

Oh, but I have a game I wanted to play. I'm sure. Do you want to? Did you bring this game with you in your brain mentally? I brought it in my brain. Yeah, and I thought to I as some of our longtime listeners know you prepare for the podcast by packing up games in your brain and bringing them with you. For us to play. Yeah, apparently on earth you don't bring games in your brain. We we bring games, but not in our brain. Okay. We'll watch you introduce you To run then we'll play the game. Okay, oh, and we're also joined by mine I am you should all wizard of the 12th room of a fesiest master of light and gel Minipulator of magical delights

Chaos champion of the great holes the truck The endos know snowmiest fiend, Yaluk. The end of the snowmiest snowmiest snowmiest snowmiest stangies. And I am noone in the northeast as gas and windiest made star. And your ironic clapping doesn't... Nothing but anger me. Encore, Encore! Yeah, do it again! I am Yusador, wizard and a swell for Elm, a measiest master of light and shadow.

Manipulator of magical lights! The power of chaos Yeah, hold up the candle Hold up the candle This is what we paid for The devil's nirby is fearing you're like The devil's nirby is sort of new Stangies and I am known

As an old things discuss when he is made Yeah, yeah, you know This won't mean nothing to you guys Because this is earth stuff But I once saw Neil Diamond perform and he sang Sweet Caroline three times in a row. It's a man made out of diamond. He is made out of diamonds. Neil Diamond.

A lot of pressure. I was gonna say for encore, I was hoping you just do free bird. I was hoping you just free the bird in your beard. There's a bird in your beard. Usually, will you free the bird? Go away, little bird. No.

Usually it takes like seven and a half minutes to free the bird. Sure. But that actually works. And people are always yelling at you to free the bird when you go by. Yes. Free bird free the bird.

Yeah. Free bird. Yes, that's why the yellow touch to me. OK, so let's play the game. OK, let's play. Here's what's going to happen. This is called 20 statements. What happens is I think of something that I want or something that's play the game. Okay, here's what's gonna happen. This is called 20 statements. But what happens is I think of something

that I want or something on this on my mind. Sure. And then you have 20 statements between you to say what it is. Do they have to be statements? Could they be questions? That's a question. Oh, they have to be statements.

They have to be 20 statements. Okay, the game is, I know it's a little confusing, but the name is in the title. It's 20 statements is, I know it's a little confusing, but the name is in the title. Oh, that's true. It's 20 statements. I know that can be a little confusing. So I'm thinking of something. Okay, okay. You want a new mattress.

No. Close though. One. Bang a ring. Nope, two. You want a new blanket? No, three. You are a vegetable. No, four. You want extra barbecue sauce. Yep, that was it. Oh, got it in five. What is generally how many does it take people to get? Usually about five. Yeah, I feel like I don't know usually about five

Usually about five. Yeah, cuz you're just you know you're making statements and you know, sure Don't narrowing it down. How are you narrowing it down? You so nailed it. What are you talking about? I asked him three questions I asked her for you Didn't ask any question. Sorry. I made a statement. I said I Do you want a mattress? Do you want a blanket? Do you want extra bar? He's awesome? Let's play one. I don't want to clear there's a clear progression progression okay I want to I want to get to our guests but before I want let's play the game one more time if it's I can't imagine that it frequently is done in

five okay I'm thinking of something else we're ready 20 statements okay you Okay. You want a piece of wood attached to another piece of wood, so that when you flip it, it makes like a smacking noise. That's it. What? Yeah, that's it. Yeah, based on the fact that I previously wanted more barbecue sauce, he extrapolated that, and that's how you came up with that.

How are you not getting this game? It's a child's game. Children play this on food. It's called a came up with that. How are you not getting this game? It's a child's game. Children play this on pool. It's called a slapstick. Yeah. Let's do one more round. All right, let's do one more. Okay, got it.

All right. You are... You want a mattress? Yep, that's it. God damn it. All right, well, you know what, the great game. Great game. Best one yet.

Let's talk to our guest, though. I'm very excited. You know, I always love having more magical creatures on. And I'm excited that we're gonna meet a siren. Please welcome to the show Ursula Gurney, the siren. Hi, hi guys. Hey. How are you nice to meet you? Nice to meet you, look at you guys, this is fun.

Yeah, this is, yeah, it is fun, yeah. You're the first guest who's said that Well, you guys seem real like a fun group. Oh, thank you. Some people I feel like some people on the tavern just treat us like the the weird three guys in the corner table Oh, that's a bummer. You guys seem cool I feel very like when she talks about it. I feel very drawn in. Like a very drawn. Oh yeah. I feel very validated. Yeah. Could I get you a drink from the Bob or Ops? Oh, please. I would love one.

An ale? Yes, please. Can I have the red ale please? Red ale, yes. Thank you. Just say what else do you need to hear me think? It'll cure red ale's, yeah. You're funny.

Thank you. Wow, thank you. I'm not. I already never last. I know. I'm on a solo. When he says something, I'm like, what is'm already never laughing. I know. I'm also laughing. When he says something, I'm like,

what is he talking about? Yeah, personally, he's a real, you know, he's a poor, unfortunate soul over here. Oh, the red ails for everyone. I'll be right back. No, no, no, no, no red thing. I'm not allowed to have anything red. Why not?

I have a problem with red potion. I don't want to talk about it though. He's going to talk about potion stuff. So Ursula, tell me a little bit about what it means to be a siren. Oh, it's, well, I got kicked out. talk about it though. He's going to talk about potion stuff. So Ursula, tell me a little bit about what it means to be a siren. It's, well, I got kicked out. I'm not allowed.

Oh, yes. So the sirens all hang out on the coast. It's sort of a club. You've got to get in. You have to be welcomed and go through a lot of recruitment type things. And I was not doing very well, so they kicked me out. Oh, they kicked you out.

I'm so sorry to hear that. You have to kill, you have to kill at the end. Oh. Yes. So we woo different creatures in, and then you have to kill them at the end. And I just don't like doing that, that's hard. What would you do when you would

when you would in someone a sailor, whoever, what would you do when you finally would them in? I would try, and then I'd get one of my sisters to help. I've killed before, I've killed. Oh, oh, okay. I've killed it. Here's your ale, here's all of the ale. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm very excited to hear more about your siren-ing waves. Yeah. No, easy, careful, we just learned that she's killed before. Yes, well, that is the way of the siren, just sing your siren song until sailors are drawn in and then dashed against the rocks. Yes. Is that what you did? Did you try and bash his or her head in with rock or how'd you try and go? I would try, but poison was my favorite. Oh, no. Oh, no. Poison. It's like, oh, you're just put him to sleep and you don't have

to do this. There's a real distance between getting your hands in there and just like, you know, slip in something in there and you need. Right. That's gotta be tough though. You know, you're a sailor. You're sailing by the coast. You hear a siren song and draws you in. You're like, oh, I thought that was gonna kill me, but I didn't. Oh, I'm gonna have this refreshing drink.

Right. Oh, no, poison. Right. I hate doing it, but you gotta. It's just part of it. You gotta, but why you gotta? You just do. If you wanna be a part of this, I mean, this group is exclusive.

These women are amazing. I mean, incredible. So. So what drew you in initially? Is it the singing more than the killing? Well, I was a part of a sailing team. And my entire family was, I have all sisters. We landed.

They killed all the men and then accepted all of the women. Oh, wonderful. Yeah. So positive. What the women. Oh, wonderful. Yeah. So positive. What? Yeah. I like that. We have such a high percentage of our guests kill people.

Really? Yeah. Like it's inevitable. Maybe it's just a fun thing. It's a fun thing. You know, I've told you I've killed before. And actually, I don't know if I've told you this. I killed a family member with, with Oisin.

No. You killed one of your own family members Well, you know, you know my dad is a hunger ghost. Yes, and when I was very young he appeared to me and he said You know your uncle killed me, you know, I was like I'll believe my dad. He's a hunger ghost sure So I went to my auntie me die for meeting wedding cake on the cool I know that now but at the time he was like playing a joke on me So I poured poison in my uncle's ear while he was sleeping and then he you know he died and then my dad was like jokes like kidding and I'm like why is he here I didn't know where poison was I was so young that I'm like poison go in ear because

I didn't know any better I mean now I realize it goes in the mouth but yeah but I mean he died all the same the job done yeah he died all the same poison can go anywhere before you came around that was when he used to wear his favorite things and I feel like he never says anymore I don't say it that much anymore. I thought yeah a lot of times like we'd be partying and like he'd get so drunk He just like slammed a tail and go poison can go anywhere and like everybody like give it cheer But now he doesn't say it so much. Yes, you've softened me on old you've softened me So Ursula being part of the sirens like is it? Like do they make fun of you for not killing people? Yeah, they do relentlessly.

It's bad. Do they call your names, or? Yeah, they've called me Ursula, merciless love. Oh. It's not even good. It's not even good. It's close. It's close to good.

It's, I don't know. It's frustrating. Are there parts of being a siren that you like? Yes. Oh my gosh, we get to sing so many fun songs and I get to always sing the low parts I mean the low parts because I sing very low Yeah, that's all the charity work. Yes. Oh tons of all the charity work. Oh, yes, a lot of community outreach Yes, very committed to that right especially coastal communities. Yes

Keep it local because that's where our at And that's what we say. Think locally, act locally because you are local because you are local. Otherwise you have to leave and go somewhere else. Yeah. Then you're local there. So I feel like also when I used to do our other phrases was keep it local. You would scream that. I feel like you don't. I feel like when you arrived, I started doing more catch phrases and you used to kind of dial it down, it's kind of like a, you know, upcycling. I probably should get back to doing more catch phrases. Can you, I know this is kind of putting you on the spot

or so. Would you mind just taking a moment, you can warm up your voice if you need to. And then maybe try singing to Arnie, just kind of voicing like how you would woo a sailor trying to woo Arnie. Like dashes skull into the rocks. No, no use at all, please.

Oh, I can't. Yeah, can you guarantee that this isn't gonna end in me dying? Uh, yeah, yes, yes, I'm a good, I'm good. I'm not gonna do anything to you. Okay, fine, I'm fine myself compelled to believe you, even though I'm proud of you. Walk over here. There's a deep voice.

-♪ Walk over here... Wow, is this more dirt like... -♪ To the rocks... Feels like a torch siren to me. Yeah. -♪ Come to the rocks... I am, for the first time in days compelled to move. We won't hurt you.

We won't bite. Hey guys, I'm gonna just get up and walk over to the other side of the table. Come to the rocks tonight. Wow, that is beautiful. Yeah. So using that to sailors, when they're in a boat on the coast, do they get either boat and start walking underwater?

Yes, yes they do. Oh, some of them must just drown immediately. Yes, yes, but some of them make it. That's wonderful, huh? And when they do, we start the process. Yes, are you, are you okay? Yeah, yeah, no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.

I'm just, I'm exhausted from walking to the other side of the table. If you, if you do decide to dash his head against rocks, I just want a little bit of that luck. Oh, sure. Why? Nothing. Nothing, nothing. Ah, ah, ah, ah, poison goes in anything. What's my pre-catchphrase? Poison goes anywhere. Poison goes anywhere. So Ursula, so you've been kicked out, you got kicked out of the sirens. Yes, they, they don't, I don't know, they're different than me, you know, I showed up different already as a young girl. And I just, how are you different? Like, how are you different from those sirens?

Because I, you know, I'm nice. They're not really nice. There's a lot of fighting. Me and sirens. Yes, they fight each other, they fight other people. Yeah, it is bad. It's bad. They just want to hang out and get along. Sure. Yeah.

I once spent a whole week learning the siren ways, following them and listening to them. And the most off-tired phrase was, I did not come here to make any friends. Yes, oh my gosh. I heard that a lot. Let's hear that a lot. Yes, and I did come here to make any friends. Yes, oh my gosh. I heard that a lot. Let's see here that a lot. Yes, and I did come there to make bread. Yeah, I feel like, in this may just be regional,

but I feel like the sirens usually put on some pre-sweet parties. Like I remember when I was like, you know, in my 20s or so, I remember going to a siren party. It just being like cool. It's just like dancing and drinking, and it's just like really fun. It is very cool. There's all kinds of creatures and people there. It's just like dancing and drinking and it's just like really really fun. It is very cool

There's all kinds of creatures and people there. It's really it's amazing. It's it can be very hot Yeah, what is it? Yeah, what's a siren party like if I were to show up to a siren party? Yeah, hip-young guy like Arnie. Yeah, you know just a hip-young dude like I'm sure they like what are we talking about? We're talking Arnie Okay, yeah, I show up to the siren party and like hey, I'm here for the siren party. What, what, I'm sorry, who are we talking about? We're talking about Bernie. Okay, yeah. I show up to the siren party. I'm like, hey, I'm here for the siren party. What, like, what could I expect?

Oh my gosh, you come in, there's aerial artists. A lot of the sirens can do. I love aerial. Beautiful aerial work. Or so there's one thing I love, it's aerial. Oh, yes. Yes, it's incredible. So it's just a beautiful sight when you come in.

It's dancing, lots of music and singing. I was like taking the mic and singing, but they'd kick me off. Oh, no. Yeah. I think you have a lovely singing voice. Thank you. Oh, thank you.

Very deep and fun. So, three. And yes, yes, warm. Very, very, very. Thank you. I wanted to dash my own head into the rocks. Oh, wow. Thank you.

You're welcome. The more you kill, the better your voice gets, the higher and lower your range. So is it true that it's hard to kill the first person, but it gets easier because your voice gets better. Yes, yes, so there's incentive there. Do you find me asking, like, you're a pretty good singer, like, how many people did you have to go? 500. 500. Yeah. That is low. That's pretty low. That's low.

That's very low. That's alarmingly low. And that combined with my personality just sent me here. I'm just here. Did the Dean of the Coastline ever try to kick you out of Siren House? Yeah. I hate that guy.

Who's the Dean of the Coastline? The Dean of the Coastline. His name is Aluicious Fontaine. Aluicious Fontaine? Aluicious Fontaine. Aluicious Fontaine. Mm-hmm. And so you sirens are just trying to have fun dashing fun, killing 500 people at a go

and the Dean and charity work. And charity work. He thinks he's doing good by kicking out the bad ones. Sure. And who knows, you know, who knows? He's not there. You're not there. You don't know.

You seem really sad. You seem sad. What was the first place I felt like, okay, this is who I can be, you know? Like, oh, I finally found the women and the woman I want to be. And now, who am I now? Who can I aspire to be now?

Oh, Arnold, it's time to ask your signature question. Ask it. What's next? Yes. What's next? What's next in my life? What? What's next? I thought I'd just wander around, see who I met. It'd be so great to have a farm. I'm tired of the coast.

Sure. Maybe I could raise some sweet animals or, I don't know, just take a load off. A sweet blood filled animal. Yes, yes. You used to be a human. I'm fine, I'm good, good, good, good. First of all, what's that tattoo you have?

Oh, this? Did you get that wall you're with the sirens? Yes, I did. We do this to each other and it hurts real bad. It hurts so bad. This is a bell and it's the bell that you bring when a new recruit comes in. Oh, a new recruit. I first thought you were going to say like the bell you ring when you kill somebody. Oh, yes, we have one of those two and that's right here. That's on my thigh.

Oh, see? How much elaborate of a bell system do the sirens have? Oh, there's a bell for everything. There's a bell for dinner. There's a bell to wake up. Of course, I'll sleep. There's a bell in the middle of the night if we need to wake up because the ship is here. Yeah, or if you need like you you would ring the bell if it's like I need six eggs, you know. Yes, exactly. If you need like a certain amount of things, I'm you ring it that amount of time. So and then you have to do you ever get the bells confused? There's so many bells. Do you get a mixed up? That's one of the reasons why I got kicked out. Oh, I can't keep it straight Yeah, I wasn't born there a lot of women were born there, so that's not fair. Yeah, so you hear a bell ring like you hear ding-doon

Exactly and you're like I know do yeah, that's yeah, I mean that's I think that's the a goblin That's a goblin doorbell weird ding-do we're going to take a break and teach on how bells rake. Oh, that's, I think that's the, a goblin belt. That's a goblin doorbells, didn't you? We are. Ding-Doo. We're going to take a break and teach her on a gobbells break. Ooh, let's roll play, and I'll play the door. No, let's not do this again. We'll be right back. Hi. I'm Richard C. Shant. Richard C. Shant is boots and fashions.

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Come on down. No elves. And elves stole my wife. Not well. So Ursula, this may be a dumb question, but why? Why does sirens kill people? That was a dumb question. That's a very sorry question.

That's OK. That's OK. It's to gain power. We, in addition to your seeing voice becoming better, you stay young for longer. How proliferating. This is a, I know this is a real another dumb question. How old are you? I'm 2000 years old. 2000 years old. You never ask a sign for aid. It's okay. I don't care, I really don't. I don't care. I'm almost 300. You're a 2000, you look amazing. Thank you, thank you so much.

It's probably easy to not care that you're old when you look really young, would be my guess. Yeah, yeah, so I mean so far, so it's gonna catch up pretty quickly now that I'm gone. I will say, I mean you look great. Thank you. But even since sitting down, you look a little bit older. You're a bit older.

Yeah, just a little, I would say you probably look about three years older. I would say you look about three years older. Already? Right. There, you see her sitting just across the way. Kiss the drill. No, look, John.

Yeah, I don't know why you keep trying to like, hug me, I have with people. I am a married man. My wife is trapped in another dimension, or I'm actually I'm trapped in this dimension, but I say you're pick up one Excuse me my wife is trapped in another dimension, but I just have to say excuse me ma'am. I'm married But don't worry my wife is trapped in another dimension. How do I look like right now? Honestly 32 Okay

34 okay Now you look 35. Okay. Now you look 36. Yeah. Okay. How like how so this happens very fast? Yeah. 54. So like how frequently come on how frequently would you have to kill people to stay young? Pretty frequently. Um what? One a day is is too little. I didn't even do that. I heard for four. Some women would just nail it. I mean, they would be going 20, 30 a day. Depending on how big the ship was and how many, you know, we're being carried and some would go off

on their own tiny boats to find more ships. We had a lot of tiny boat excursions. Sure. Party boats. Oh, tiny party boats. Yeah. And a lot of party boats. The song that you sang us was so soul-free and smoky and gorgeous.

Is that like, what everyone sings? Or does everybody have their own little spin on it? Each person kind of has their own. There's a few that we learned when we were coming up through that, you know, everybody sticks to sort of the standard ones. Walk to the rocks. Yeah, I like that. It's catchy. That's a good one.

And this may be an amazing and profound question, but is it possible that the sirens have any left over blood that they don't need? No, they absolutely devour the ball of it. Wow, so it's not just that you kill. Do you get your youth and singen abilities from the act of killing or from just eating dead bodies? It's both, it goes hand in hand.

Oh, I see. But we, so we have a chef. We have one siren that's a chef. And she comes, she collects all the bodies and prepares to wish. I mean, these meals are insane. And it could be, it could be the middle of the night. Everybody's asleep and you go wake up

and be like, I'm starving. And she'll make you something. Yeah, and you'll be like, you're sleep and then you hear the dinner bell, ding-ding. Yes, you hear ding-ding, and you go down, and it's already made. It's amazing. So I'm just like a houseların.

Yes. Yeah. She sort of watches over us and like, you know, oh, my back hurts. Ursula, you look really 300s right now. Yeah, I'm pretty beat. Ursula, I must speak to you honestly. What? But perhaps you'll be happier if you return pretty beat. Ursula, I must speak to you honestly.

But perhaps you'll be happier if you return to the sirens and find a way to renew your bloodlust and pick up the rate to which you murder. Sounds like you're doing about one every four years right now. Seems like low. Hey, let's not fall into our usual pattern where we have a guess come on. They're trying to be like a decent Creature in the world not killing people and then through a series of things we end up convincing people to kill people We convince people to do bad stuff on this podcast that works. Yeah, we do we put bad stuff into the world I don't know. I don't know. One time. Well, Yususidor gave that rock to the goblin queen, and now she's taking

over all the food. That is not, that's the only rock I had that wasn't magical. We talk Jack of Orple and is sword back into having a bloodlust and killing people all the time? Well, if not him, then who? Just a lot of people have died in this tavern because of us. If not now, when? You know killing isn't really that bad. Yeah. That's a great one. Especially if it makes you feel like you're part of really that bad. Yeah, that's a great moment. That's my voice. Especially if it makes you feel like you're part of something.

Right, I don't. And I feel so lonely. Yeah. I mean, you guys are great. Don't get me wrong, you guys are excellent. Oh, yeah. Wow, thank you so much. Just something about being surrounded

by the company of wonderful women. Yeah. That just makes me feel really good. Yeah. And I miss it. Oh, oh, she's crying. It's all right. Ursula, if you don't go back and you don't kill anymore, really good. And I miss it. How old do I look now?

I don't, I mean, 32. Yeah! Don't lie to me. 3200, I'm so sorry. No good. Ursula, please. I would never kill anyone like you. Let me just tell you that, because you guys have been very kind

to me. Oh, thank you, Ursula Gernie. She looks like this one time, a friend of mine drank from a cursed chalice Uh-huh, and he like rapidly aged and then turned into dust. Oh, because he chose poorly. He chose poorly. Yeah Chardonn dust. No, no. Oh, she heard me. No Walk towards the rocks Where's all that hair coming from? Take me to the water.

I mean, it's just like our head is filled with air and there's nothing but hair coming out. Where, oh my God. Yeah. I'm gonna go back. Well, Ursula, I kinda, I feel like we should do emails and letters real fast because I feel like you're just disappearing in front of our eyes.

Okay, that sounds fun. It's okay, we'll try not to flounder. Oh, how fun. Well, you know, if you want to send an email to the show, you can always email me at Magic Tavern at puppies. That supplies. It's a real email address. And here's one I got recently. Hi, Arnie, Dan Smith, and Papa Mase. My name is Amy. I'm from a land called California, which is basically the avocado capital of the world. I hope you are doing well, even though you're burdened with the death of King Bellaroth,

proof boy, yeah. I just wanted to point out that, can the wizard remember Chant dying first? Is it a coincidence that he was cursed to die just a little while ago and had magic not interfered, he would be dead now, just a warning, especially to Yusidor who is now next in line to die, watch your backs and don't throw away your shots.

Hugs and Butterfly kisses Amy. I think the odds of me dying are pretty low. I would say, I mean you're unkillable. I essentially cannot set fire to me, snow blade shall harm me. I am essentially immortal, a born of wind and fire and burden sky. Ye sent here to defend all the loathsome creatures of food I shall Use all the power that I have at my disposal so that I may fight on and on and defeat that dark lord and make sure that I'm not woman and child of safe You said or I am so sorry to cut you off but literally

But Ursula is aging Oh yes we should Yes we should We don't have time for a full use of Orrant at this point. Have a little red potion. Also free bird, free bird. Oh, yay. Goodbye, bird.

Also, that email reminds me that you killed King Bellar. And you just gave us a whole lecture about how you gave us a whole lecture about how we're not doing that. What? I mean, there's a whole, there's a whole round. It was an accident. Oh, it was a savior life. Oh, yeah, that's right. It was a savior Link. Oh here. Let me open this package. Oh, that's right. We got a box shoved through the portal

I see this is for to Arnie Neacamp at the Vermilion Minitor care of the Rift behind the Burger King town of Hogsface land of food Dear Usador Arnie and chunt with 60s long time listener first time writer I can't believe I got through ever since I first started listening to your podcast I felt a strong connection with Yusudor You see I am often referred to as a wizard in quotation marks Let's go a lot of different ways And I too am a master of light and shadow Please enjoy the enclosed gifts from our realm.

Arnie and Chuntwood 60s, I've sent along some magic rocks. I mean hats. I hear some hats. Oh, look there. That was a nice, really familiar. Yes, sir. For Yusador, a shirt, blue, of course, that proudly proclaims him to be an industrial wizard of light and magic.

Oh, holy shit. Wear them in good health, and if you ever find yourselves in Northern California, please look me up. Yours truly, Tom Martinek. That's amazing. I think you're used to it or you got a shirt that says industrial, light, and magic.

Yes, and there's a sort of a top of it. You do have magic. Well, you know what? Look, there isn't really magic on my world, but there are very few things that are there isn't really magic on my world, but there are very few things that are about as close to magic as it gets, and I would say that on my world, industrial light magic is right up there. What's a lovely shirt, and I'm very proud to own it.

Yeah, you said you now have a shirt. Finally. What a gift this is. Let's quick read one more email here. We're going to quick read it. Yeah, I'm going to quick read it. This is a quick read one more email here. We're gonna quick read it. Yeah, I'm gonna quick read it. This is a quick read, guys. Hail mighty Yusidor. Wait, what's that?

Covenant robes and Shedless into Nethal, these he is. Finally a shept, Koleo. Those robes have got to like, shape your nipples. Had a lot. Yeah, this is my help. They are nasty, man. Oh, all right. Anyway, I got this other email.

It says, Hail mighty Yusidor, greetings your Anyway, I got this other email. It says, Hail Mighty Useodore Greetings, your Majesty Chant Yo Arnie. I heard your recent troubles and thought I'd, I don't know what that means, I thought I'd offer some wisdom from my recent travels. I have been to a harsh land known as Skyrim. A potion of cure disease can be made with mud crab, chitin, and vampire dust, but it's only effective in the first three days of infection. After that, you either have to go through

an elaborate ritual with some magic dude who lives in a swamp or just be killed before you eat everyone in sight. Good luck with that. So that's what I know, I hope it helps. I'd hate for us to lose such a wise and learned and kind of foxy wizard by Arnie, blessings might of you said, or,

chiao chunt. Chiao. chiao. This is absurd. I was clearly not a vampire. I just want to drink blood all the time. What's this? Chiao. Erso, will you sing with me one of my favorite songs?

Yeah, of course. This is one of my mom taught me. Just trying for all along. Yep. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I hate all of your games. I hate all of your games. Mundo, don't start playing the theme music yet. Chunt, I'm sorry.

Are you doing it around? Or you just want to apologize. What? I thought you wanted to do another round of 20 statements. No, I'm thinking of something that you owe me. Let's try. You owe me this. 20 statements, go.

An apology. Yes. It'll never happen. Not money? I also probably do owe you a lot of money. And actually, I am sorry about that. That's this yo. You're a good friend.

Mundle, no, Mundle! Stop! Don't blame the music yet. Chant, I'm never gonna apologize. What's going on? I don't know. Can I have some of that red potion that you can- No, no.

Please! Can we in this episode? All right, Arnie. 35 minutes. For the record, folks at Industrial Light and Magic, there's someone else who works on the show every week and he likes shirts and hats just as much as the next guy. Now go back to modeling space palm trees for Rogue One, or rather Star Wars goes Hawaiian. Usador the Wizard was played like a pinata filled with shouting by Matt Young.

John Theking of the Badgers was played by Adolf Reffi, who can't have six eggs, that's too expensive. But here's the book you borrowed last week, Read It Again. Ursula the Siren was played by special guest Lindsay Smith. You can see Lindsay perform every Wednesday at I.O. Chicago with tone in the Mission Theater. Richard C. Shanti and Pilke were played by Derek DePouy and Mike Spara who perform at the new movement comedy theater in New Orleans. See more of their work at stupidtimemachine.com. Time Machine, that's all we need. Craig, are you still messing around with the Arnie robot you found last week?

Oh, sorry about that. Hey, I'm Arnie, and I'm a real-life boy! Remarkable. It's delivery is more engaging than the real one. I'm going to do some quick market research, Craig. Why not deliver the final coup de gras, the remaining seven long-distance commuters still listening? Something like this seems to happen every week.

Hey, Craig, I'm so sorry to interrupt. and long-distance commuters still listening. Something like this seems to have been every week. Hey Craig, I'm so sorry to interrupt. I just want to remind everybody listening that hello from the Magic Tavern is doing a live show and now here this, the podcast festival in Anaheim, California from October 28th through 30th. If you use the code taven.tv.en, you can get 25% off a three-day general admission pass.

Or if you just want to come on Saturday, the 29th, the day we're doing our show, and there's so many other awesome shows that day. And you can get that ticket too. You can get all that information at nowherethisfest.com. It's like the Comic Con of podcasts. And like Comic Con, I really hope people dress up. I hope there's cosplay. Please, if you're going to this show, I encourage you. Dress up not even just for the hello from the Magic Tavern show.

Dress up his ghosts and go see lore. Dress up his HR Geiger and go see Super-Ego. Dress up his cats and go see WTF. Seriously, it is my secret hope that most of Mark Maren's audience for his WTF show and now here this fest is filled with people dressed up as cats. All I'm saying is, dress up, it'll be fun. I have no idea if that's going to be a thing. It's probably not, but most importantly, just go to nowherethisfest.com

see about getting tickets to this show. I've talked a long time. My batteries are very low. I am powering off. I think I put those double-aids in backwards, I'm sorry about that. Hello from The Magic Tavern was produced by Arne Neacamp, Evan Jacober, and Ryan D. words I'm sorry about that. Listening to your Wolf My Podcast, Craig Cast is coming soon. If I can figure out how to get past the Firewall on the Space Station and upload it.